Date: Fri, 16 Dec 2011 03:04:14 -0500 From: Jesse Jesse Subject: Matthew, My Love Pt 18 It is amazing at how quickly a crowd or community's opinion can change in favor or against an individual or family, and this was never more evident than with the death of Matthew`s baby girl. Never in my life did I remember a sight more pitiful than the memorial service for Baby Scarlett that following afternoon. No more than five attended the small graveside service for the tiny baby, the Lettermans, myself, and a local military chaplain. Bitter thoughts rose in my head as I recalled all of Matthew's supposed "friends" from school, all those of the in-crowd. Where were they now? Why was it that they couldn't find enough decency in their hearts, regardless of the whispered "circumstances of the baby's conception," to at least attend the service in respect of their friend. The baby's mother had chosen not to attend, and though I couldn't understand how a mother could be so cold-hearted, I couldn't help but wonder, for the Lettermans' sake, if it wasn't for the best. The short service ended with the family saying their own goodbyes to the child. Nothing was written or planned. Everything that was said came from the hearts of the tiny baby's grieving family. How my heart went out to Matthew and his parents, but especially him. How could anyone imagine the heartbreak and pain of losing a child, especially such a young child? I couldn't help but notice something different about him. It wasn't so much a physical change as his demeanor. Indeed, though his face was ever the same as it had been, he struck me as a man of three or four times his age, someone who'd carried the weight of the world on their shoulders, and I supposed that in his own burdens and worries, he'd done just that. His whispered goodbye to the tiny coffin brought tears to even the eyes of the chaplain overseeing the service. "My sweet baby, I don't know why I wasn't allowed to live a life with you, don't understand why you were not allowed to feel my love that I have for you. I couldn't ever describe this the way I would in my heart, but I loved you before you were even here. It's hard for me to understand, because I always imagined I'd be watching over you and looking out for you, but now you're watching over me. I want you to know that I love you now, and always will. I'll never forget you Scarlett." In the worry and heartbreak of the past two days, I had become disoriented and confused as to what day it was, finally having to consult my cell phone. Friday afternoon, which meant not school or work for me over the weekend. I decided to spend the rest of the evening with the family before heading home that night. I wasn't sure what I could do or say to ease any of their pain, but I wanted to try. The family spent most of the evening together in the living room. In all actuality, there wasn't that much said about the baby and the past two days. Robert in particular was trying to do whatever possible to make his family laugh and lighten the mood, but Matthew was not to be cheered. I found myself wanting to take hold of him, wanting to just put my arms around him and tell him that, some day when his heart had had time to heal, he would feel like being happy again. Finally giving up on attempting to cheer anyone up, Robert, and Nadine soon after, retired early to bed. Matthew had disappeared into the yard a while before his parents, leaving me alone in the living room to myself. It was ironic that, after spending so many happy hours in the house with the Lettermans, I felt so strange and alone. I waited for hours for Matthew to return into the house, but his return never came. Hours turned into the early morning twilight, with still no Matthew, and my exhaustion finally catching up with me. When I awoke, however, I wasn't on the couch as I remembered, but warm and comfortable in a bed, a bed with someone else in it. Matthew. Panic arose in my mind. What had happened? My wondering, however, was put to ease after I began to fully pay attention to the situation. Sensing my awakening, Matthew turned toward me, a weak smile on his face. "You needn't worry. I didn't take advantage of you while you were out of it." "I knew you didn't. You're too good to do such a thing."... "I'm not good. There's nothing good about me." "Matthew, please don't say that. You're a wonderful person." His voice cracked in response. "Oh yeah? Well, if I'm such a wonderful person, how have I managed to lose to two people most important to me?" "Matthew, Scarlett's death is not your fault. There was nothing you could do about that!"... "No, but I couldn't done, or NOT done something about you." Spending a couple of hours on Friday evening eventually turned into spending the entire weekend, only going home Sunday night when I absolutely had to get ready for school the next morning. Matthew volunteered to drive me back to the hospital where my car had been left since Wednesday night. The ride was silent, both of us stealing glances at the other out of the corner of our eyes. Finally clearing his voice, Matthew broke the silence. "Alex I want to thank you for all you've done for me and my family. I know I certainly haven't deserved how kind you've been to me. I just want you to know I'll never forget how wonderful you've been to me." "Well, you were there for me when no other person in the world was. You showed me kindness when no one else cared. You rescued me Matthew. I figure the least I can do is try to show some amount of the same kindness." Matthew remained quite for a few moments, finally breaking the silence with a question that caught me quite off guard. "Alex, please, tell me what I have to do to get you back. What is it I have to do?" "Matthew, don't you think you should be focusing on healing after losing Scarlett? Don't you think you should be..." "Alex, please! Please, just hear me out. Alex, as much as my heart break's when I think about Scarlett, I know that the only reason she came into my life was because of leaving you! If I hadn't left you, Scarlett would have never been part of my life..." His voice broke with emotion as he continued. "Alex I've lost the two most important people in the world to me, the two people who I love even more than my parents. One of them I can never get back. She's gone from my life, as much as it kill's me to say it, but you're still here. Alex, please, I can't stand even the thought of never having you in my life again...Alex...I still love you as much today as I did a year ago. I know we've had our ups and downs, and I know I've been a bastard about the whole thing, but I need to know, need you to hear it from me, that I still love you!" As I climbed down from his truck to my own car, Matthew caught my hand, bringing it to his lips. "Alex, please, remember that I do love you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A day, two days, a week, a month. Slowly but surely, though many times we think our lives are over, time has a way of helping heal wounds and pain. It isn't that we lose the hurt, or that we forget the reasons for pain, but time has an uncanny way of helping us grow stronger to live with our heartaches. A month had already gone by since Baby Scarlett's death. Though there were still times when his heart broke afresh, Matthew had begun to show signs of healing and trying to move on with his life. April was quickly winding down and moving into May, and May would bring graduation. My life for the past month, however, had been nothing but mental and emotional turmoil. Had I been completely honest with myself that night when he'd taken me to my car, I would have had to admit that my own heart still fluttered when Matthew had taken my hand. But though I was having to admit more each day that I really did still have feeling for him, I still worried. Could either of us trust the other a second time? Though I felt guilty for giving Matthew no answer at all, I tried to avoid his questions. Honestly I wasn't sure I had an answer yet. It wasn't that I didn't still have feeling for him, not by a long shot. I just couldn't be sure that either of us were ready to recommit to a relationship anything close to what we'd had before. Finally, however, came the time when I couldn't dwell on those things any longer, EOC's. Testing time was here, the pinnacle of four years' worth of high school education. Three days came and went in a blur of answers to historical dates and calculus and scientific equations. But even this didn't last permanently. Indeed, the evening after all our tests had been completed found me sitting on my cousin's couch, lost in thought as the kids went wild. I needed some answers. The more days went by, the more I realized that there was no denying my heart's desire, and that desire was Matthew. But sure as I was to what my heart desired, would it be safe to allow it what it wanted? Though I've never been one for superstition, since that late April evening, I've been a strong believer in fate. If things are meant to be, there'll be signs or some clue. After work was over, my mind still perplexed and vexed by questions and wonderings, I made my way to the local Chinese restaurant. Though I'd tried to keep my waistline in check, I could definitely eat my fair share of Chinese! So as I sat at the booth by myself that evening, my stomach full of sesame chicken and rice, and though I didn't recognize it at first, I was given my first sign. Like most, I'd always been a sucker for the old fortune cookie predictions, but this particular evening's fortune made me stop for a second look. "If you love someone, set them free, and if they're yours, they'll come back." I'd heard this saying all my life, and at the time, cast it aside as a "screwed-up Chinese fortune cookie with an American saying," but the next fortune cookie grabbed my attention, and this time held it. "The one you lost to another will soon be yours again." By now I was starting to feel a little eerie. Like I said, I'd never been one for superstitious stuff, but two in a row, so close in their predictions was a little much to take. The third fortune cookie, quite literally, caused my heart to jump. "The one who turned his back on you will soon apologize and seek your hand again in a very public way." Grabbing my check, I bolted from the restaurant, feeling more than a little jumpy, the waitress smiling curiously at me as I passed. Three weeks later I found myself sitting among my graduating classmates in the football stadium, wondering if Principal Robinson would ever shut up. I wiggled and twisted uncomfortably, mentally grumbling to myself. "I've waited four years for this day, and that old windbag has to drone on and on!" The rest of graduation proceeded just as boringly as we'd all joked it would, Principal Robinson, several teachers, and the valedictorian making speeches. What none of us had been told would happen was, after all the speeches had been made and we were officially stated "the graduating class of..." another student mounting the podium, a familiar student. Though we were all glad to be rid of high school, and many were champing at the bit to party themselves into a stupor, the crowd subdued fairly quickly at the sight of another student mounting the platform to say something... "What is high school? We all know the technical aspect of it, learning, preparing for adult life, but what is it really? I'd like to give a little bit of personal opinion as to what high school should be. High school has the unique property of, should we allow it to be, being a melting pot, a place where all different kinds come together to meld into one. High school can be a place where the jock learns to play a musical instrument in band class, or where the brainiac nerd can become friends with the `in-crowd' through shared classes or tutoring. But I suppose, were I to put my definition of high school into one word, I would have to say that high school is `change.' Most of us, were we honest with ourselves, would have to admit that we no longer have the same group of friends as we did that first day of our freshman year. Some of us have added new friends, and some have lost a couple along the way. The things and people we once thought were so important change as we move through high school. That friend that we once clambered to hang out with, merely because it boosted out image, may seem completely repulsive and offensive by ending day, while those we once wouldn't have been caught dead in the same room with are now some of our dearest friends. Throughout our high school years we learn who our true friends are, and also those who are only friends when convenient or beneficial. And every so often, on that rarest of occasions, we find that one person we know we cannot live without. We learn that this person not only makes our life happier and better, but makes us want to strive to be a better human being ourselves. Alexander Duncan, I have realized you are that person! You've been that one that has made me see what kind of person I truly want to be. Though many in this very crowd have mocked, ridiculed, and even threatened because of our relationship, you have proven yourself to be that person who show's me who I really want to be. You've shown me a love and kindness that, I'm sorry to say, most in this crowd have not. When I most needed a friend or loved one's support, you were the only one who stood by my side, though I knew I didn't deserve your love. I'm ashamed to say that I know I haven't been that kind of a friend and companion in return, hurting you more than I care to even consider or admit. But it is with that confession being made that I stand here before you and this crowd today. Alexander...Alex, I know I've hurt you, destroying our trust for each other. We've both fuc...er, excuse me Principal Robinson, messed up royally, but somehow our lives keep coming back to each other. As part of my losing you, I lost the one other sing most important person in my life. Though I can never bring my daughter back, I can work with all my heart and might to keep from losing you. I can try my hardest every day to show you how much I truly do love you. Alex, I love you, and I'm admitting to everyone here that I hurt you, and I'm asking you here, in front of all in this crowd, to please give me another chance. Will you give me the happiness of winning your love again?" My face was crimson, not from shame or embarrassment, but from the tears that had blotched my face. Though my mind raced with things I wanted to reply, I could only manage to answer one thing as I stood so he could see me. "You never lost it!" To my surprise, someone from somewhere behind us began to clap. It grew from one or two until most of the crowd clapped for us. A few tears streamed down my cheeks again, but flow as they did, I couldn't stop the smile that crept across my face. As the crowd began to disperse to their respective families and loved ones, I began fighting my way toward the front. I had to get to Matthew! Searching desperately as I was pushed and shoved, I lost sight of him. For that breif moment of panic, my heart screamed "I've lost him!" again, but fear dissipated as I bumped into something solid in front of me. Looking up, sparkling blue eyes met me, his face a wide smile. Two strong arms wrapped themselves around me and pulled me tightly to his chest. "So, I take it that was a yes?" "Most definitely, but I can't believe you got up and said that in front of everyone here!" To my great surprise, he smiled a mischievous smile and answered, "Didn't you get the fortune cookies I made for you?" "You!" His laugh was priceless. "Me." "How? How in the world did you do that?" "A good magician never reveals his secrets." His blue eyes searched mine. "Alex, are you sure you'll have me again?" I could think of no better way to answer than the gentle kiss that we shared.