The party went well, except for the fact that I welcomed Noah and his family awkwardly because I was in complete shock when they were invited to our little gathering. Oh God, I could be completely lost in his blue eyes. I think he noticed that and stared for a couple of short seconds and broke the somewhat awkward silence. I also didn't shake his hand because I could've possibly be clingy to it and kiss him right there, so I needed to control myself. Also, let me tell you something. The more I learned about Noah and his family, the more I fell for him. His parents showed us a picture of him when he was little and he was really cute! As the pictures progressed, the more he looked gorgeous and handsome rather than cute. I am falling into a pit and I don't even know what surface I would land on. It could be either enjoying the new type of comapany with someone or laying on the cold and hard ground. I'm expecting the latter because even if he is gay or bisexual, I'm nothing special. I liked to think that I'm special before, but let's be real. We're all human and we'll die in the end so who cares what you are doing or what you look like right now? My new motto is literally just to be decent and be good to others. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
The next hours happened and met another kid of my age. His name is Fin. His parents had already settled in this street even before he was born. Sadly, he is going to be a sophomore this year which means that I'm going to be stuck with Noah, but he said that if we needed any help in any subject, he'd be glad to do so. Great! Speaking of Fin earlier, he is 5'9", emerald green eyes, a redhead, and pretty lean. We had a great talk ever since they came to our house a little while ago. We decided to go upstairs since I told him about my new PS4. I told him I am not really a video game guy so he would probably win all the games, since he is a geek about these type of stuff. We played some video games we bought at the store until Noah came upstairs.
"Hey, can I play too," Noah asked happily since he finally found people around his age.
"Look Fin, I had a great time but I'm just really tired now. You and Noah could play around until your parents decide if you'll be staying the night or you'll go with them," I said that as my heart was beating through my throat. I probably said that to him in a low voice since I noticed Noah still staring at us for an answer.
"Sure, we'll let you know if we're staying here overnight," Fin said with a little confusion.
I ran past Noah and went to my bedroom. I locked the door and then jumped on my bed. My heart pounded in my throat. My vision was starting to have black spots. I couldn't control my breathing. Where was mom? I needed her at that moment.
My body was numb, I couldn't move. The last resort I had was to turn my body around so that I'd face the pillow to limit my breathing and relax a little. God, I wish I wasn't screwed up as before. I wish I wasn't gay, but I couldn't help feeling feelings for boys. I know it sounds so stupid now, but I was not like this before. I was a carefree boy who didn't think of what others had to say about me. I should probably explain to you what happened to me before we moved later. My mind was overthinking. I was in an overdrive. A few minutes later, my breathing slowed down and I felt nauseous. The next thing I knew, I was sleeping and I was hugging something. I opened my eyes a little bit and I was hugging my human-sized pillow. And of course, I was poking it with my pole but I decided to go against it since I was so tired due to my mental and physical breakdown.- - -
As always, the morning came way too early for me. I woke up and noticed that my underwear had a white spot from my wet dream. Some of it was also on the pillow. I needed to wash the pillow case again, ugh. I went to my table and pulled out from the drawer my journal when I was still living in Manila. I only bought it a couple of days before school started. Usually, I didn't write anything. However, special events, whether good or bad, were written in here. I opened it and read the first page:
June 6, 2016
Well, what an awkward day at school. Ever since the summer incident happened, I lost most of my friends. I cut off the people who were okay with what happened to me in seventh grade. And what's worse now is that my ex-crush who I really liked was my classmate. I know that our school is small, but please give me the reason why the stars aligned like that? Obviously, I needed to confront him. I still like him somehow. The only reason why I did that to him was because friends aren't supposed to lie to each other like that. I became vulnerable with what we've discussed. Well, I guess, he's a playboy.
Then I read the next page:
June 10, 2016
So I confronted him today, through chat. Well, yeah I'm still that scared of talking to him. It didn't go well at all. He already told all of school how much of a "faggot" I was, how much I liked sucking dicks and putting it in my ass. I just told him to leave me alone. I don't know how I would face the next ten months through a reputation like that. It is especially true since most of my "friends" in here are toxic and fake to each other. Also, when walking down the hallway, I got a lot of stares from people I didn't even know. They whispered and after I passed by, they would start laughing. Gah, why? Can't I be able to love who I love? I wish they'd be as accepting as other people.
I skipped the remaining pages and read the last one. I could still vividly remember how I wrote it with tears almost wetting the whole page:
June 19, 2016
My mom got a call. My dad, who was working in Hong Kong, died. The last thing I remembered from what my mom said was that he had a heart attack and that the doctors couldn't revive his heart back to beating. Because of my dad's life insurance, we would be receiving a $500,000 from them. The last time he visited here, I was so distant at him because of all the years he wasn't here at home. I was mad at him because he didn't go to my graduation. I was mad at him because he hadn't see me win in a competition. And when he left, I decided to stay and I did not even say that I love him or have a safe flight. I AM SO FUCKING MAD AT MYSELF. WHY DID IT HAVE TO END LIKE THIS?"
I stopped reading, closed the journal and hid it again in my desk drawer because all of it was still so much for me to handle. I went downstairs and found my mom watching CNN while eating her breakfast.
"You know that they're biased too right," I said trying not to be too woke because I'm not. I'm just aware of the issues. After that, I'd move on with my life.
"I know, it's just that I want to watch the news from a very liberal point of view," she said while chuckling a little bit to herself.
"Can't we just watch on Netflix or something else," I said with a clear irritation in my voice.
"Oh come on, what's happening around the world isn't as bad. Plus, you can score some points with your Economics teacher because you know what the current events in the U.S. are," she said.
"I don't even know what type of Social Studies I will study this year mom," I laughingly said.
"Just sit here and watch or you can go to your room and watch on your own," she said with a sarcastic smile.
"Ok then," I said.
I went to the kitchen and made my cereal. However, instead of going back to my room, I went back to the den and watched the news with her. I'd like to admit that my mom is so good at making me feel guilty. A little bit of bad news doesn't hurt right? After watching for an hour, I got both of our plates, washed it and went back to my bedroom. I checked my phone. I decided that I'd delete all my tweets on Twitter and all my posts on Insta. I also decided to follow just a bunch of actors, actresses, musicians, and YouTubers. By the end of my deletion and unfollow spree, I ended up with following only 30 people on both apps. Probably some (or probably none) of you, asking what about your Facebook? Well, I still haven't decided on what to do with it. I think it'll be fun not worrying what something relatable should I tweet or what picture of myself should I post and then caring how many likes it got. In the long run, I hope I'll care less about my online reputation and more on my attitude and behavior towards others. Actually, I know that I'm not in my place to say this, but try it as well.
I fell asleep and took a nap until my mom woke me up to have lunch. After that, I went to the upstairs lounge, and played with my new PS4. To be honest, it was kind of relaxing. Time moved too fast and dinner was ready. My mom and I ate. We also talked about some school and the adjustments living in L.A. stuff. And that's when we heard a knock on our door, to my suprise, it was Noah and he was carrying a gym bag. Damn, he looked good always. I swear I think there's no time he looks unprepared or ungroomed going outside. Also, why was he carrying a gym bag?
"Hey Chris, I was wondering if I could spend the night," he said.
I was shocked. I couldn't even speak. It was like there's a big lump in my throat preventing me from doing it.
"Um, Chris," he said.
I snapped right out of my little shock moment,
"Sure," I said as my heart was beating so hard, it could probably come right out of my chest at that moment.
I let him in and when I looked at my mom, she was smiling like a crazy person. Was she setting me up with Noah? Doesn't mean I'm gay means I need help in finding my man, mom!
"Hey Maya, good evening and sorry for the short notice. Chris, can I, I mean can we play with your video games upstairs," he said while he was already going upstairs.
"Uh sure," I said since I don't even know how to handle if I could handle this situation anymore.
Right after that, I felt a little light-headed and right as I was about to step on our stairs, I fell head first.-
"Maya, what was that," I said while looking down the steps.
"Noah, please come here right now! Carry Chris upstairs and lay him on his bed. I'll bring the ice pack," she said calmly.
"Ok," I said and saw Chris unconscious on the steps. I carried him and put him in his bed. Maya came in and put an ice pack above Chris' forehead.
"Um, Maya, can I just continue what you're doing? You seem a little stressed out about what happened. Don't worry, he'll be fine with me," I said trying to offer a little help.
"Sure but if he's in pain, just go to the bathroom and give him an Advil. I'll be locking the doors and windows then I'll go to bed. If you need anything, just help yourself," she said gladly since I was trying to do something.
"Ok," I said.
She walked out of Chris' room and after a few minutes, I heard her closing her bedroom door. Since Chris was sleeping, I decided to watch some Netflix under his account. Of course, I kept the volume low. After watching for a few more hours, I slept and hugged Chris.-
Wait, who's hugging me? What happened? My head hurts like hell. Well, I couldn't really move so I tried to groan my pain to whoever is hugging me. When the person didn't respond, I tried to release from the hug and looked back. Holy crap, it was Noah. I can't do this. I needed to ditance myself from him. If he's going to continue this level of physical closeness, I'd lose my control. I'm going to sleep in the guest room. Suddenly, I heard a low voice.
"What are you doing I was comfortable," Noah said. Wait, why was he comfortable when his right arm could be numb as a dead person right now just because of him hugging me?
I looked carefully and saw that he was probably in a dream since his eyes were shut. I quietly made my way out of the room and into the guest room. Good thing was that it looked like a room so that meant that the bed was made and ready for any visitors we'd have in the future. I finally fell asleep with a mild headache.-
I opened my eyes a little bit and saw the clock. It was 1 A.M. Where was Chris? Was he in the bathroom? If yes, then why were the lights turned off? If no, then where was he? I guess I needed to look for him. My first guess was that he was in the kitchen. I checked but he wasn't there. Well, if he tried to go run outside, he should've woke me up so that we could both get some cardio. I went back upstiars and slept again.-
Surprisingly, I woke up to my phone ringing and it was my mom who's calling me. I stretched a little bit and answered the call.
"Chris, where are you? Go back to the house, NOW," she said.
"Mom, chill, I'm at the guest bed," I said with sleepiness still in my voice.
"Go downstairs now and have breakfast with me and Noah," Oh crap, I almost forgot that he was here.
"Ok," I said and with that I hung up. I went to my bedroom and brushed my teeth. I wore a blue tank top and a pair of sweatpants. For some reason, L.A. was a little bit chilly today. I went downstairs and saw Noah staring at me. Wait, hold up. Why was he staring at me?
"Holy crap dude! You look like you haven't slept for days," he said.
"Do I look like? Thanks for the information," I just wasn't having any of his concern right now. I look like crap because I feel crap. I might mess up again in this new life in a new city where nobody knows my secret except for my mom and a bunch of toxic people.
"Knock it off Chris," my mom shouted at me and then looked at Noah with a "sorry he's being an ass" look.
"Well, I'm pretty sure Noah here is the one that needs to knock it off because I remember him and me not even having the slightest of a conversation then suddenly he comes up here at night asking me if he could stay here. YEAH! I'M THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO KNOCK IT OFF," I said as I made my breakfast and went upstairs to have breakfast in bed. I went in my room to grab Noah's bag and dropped it out of my room. I closed the door and then locked it. At this rate, I know I'm pretty much grounded. I just need to confirm it with mom. Let's just hope and pray that not being friends with Noah is the punishment since I'd be glad to do so. I ate my breakfast then opened my phone to watch some series on YouTube Red or Netflix. But, oh boy, my mom turned off the WiFi. Out of all the things she could do, why choose the WiFi? I'm starting to lose my temper and a knock came right through my door.
"Go away I hate you," I said in a clear tone which meant that even if you have a hundred million dollars to give to me, I still won't be answering the door.
"It's me Chris," Noah said in a soft voice.
"I SAID GO AWAY," I said clearly frustated. Tears were forming in my eyes. Why couldn't I just be straight? I couldn't help liking boys. I tried myself to be straight but it didn't work. WHY? I started to sob and that's when I heard the unlocking sound of my door. It opened and I saw Noah being curious as to why I was crying.
"Hey, what's wrong? I'm your friend, you can talk to me," God, if he keeps this rate of engagement with me, I'd be pregnant by tomorrow. I also couldn't help noticing his voice. It wasn't too deep nor too high. It was just right.
"FRIEND? WE HADN'T EVEN HAD A CONVERSATION THAT LASTED LONGER THAN WHAT WERE DOING NOW. WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? ISN'T THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND? ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING?!"
"But talking out those feelings you had bottled out in a long time may help."
"SCREW THAT! YOU'RE NOT A FREAKING THERAPIST TO SAY THAT, OK? YOU ARE WHAT'S WRONG IN ME! DO YOU GET THAT! GOD DAMN IT," I said with anger clearly in between my sobs.
"Ok, it's just that I want to help you but I guess you don't want to help yourself," he said with frustation. I didn't know what he did next but after a few minutes, the door was closed and he was gone. He might also just go run and tell everyone that I'm a fag. What a good week before school starts!
- - -
Well, I stayed in my room. I occasionally got out during midnight to get food for all the three meals that I should be having in a day. Nothing I did cheer me up. I was listening to sad songs, bawling and would sometimes make fake cuts on my wrist like it was done by some sort of blade. Also, my mind was on an overthink drive:
WHAT IF I HAD AN ACTUAL CHANCE?
WHY DID HE HAVE ALL THESE EFFECTS ON ME?
WHY WAS I SO SCARED OF BEING SO CLOSE TO HIM?
WHAT IF HE REALLY WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME?
WHAT IF HE ALREADY TOLD HIS FRIENDS THAT I'M THE NEW GAY KID?
And the last question that haunted me was:
WHY WAS I SUCH A COWARD?
Those questions definitely didn't help me at all. I pretty much had more anxiety attacks and hyperventilations than pretty much any day in my whole life. I also kept on thinking of scenarios that I'd run into. Those happened in the late hours of night which gave me no sleep at all. I looked at my phone and it was already Sunday morning, to be exact 1:43 A.M. What the heck? I had been in my room, avoiding my mom for two days! Well, let's see if I could pull the "I'm really sorry, please pity me and I'll never do it again" card.