By Kit
This story is a revised version of Not Always Easy, the original of which
was posted to the Nifty Archive a couple of years ago. It
is a story about a gay teen male and may involve sexual activity between
males, so if this is likely to offend you, or is illegal where you live then
do not read any further. All the events and characters in this story
are fictional and any resemblances to real people are purely coincidental.
The story is copyright of the author and may not be distributed
or placed on any web sites without written permission from the author.
I would like to thank my editor, Richard Lyon, for his hard
work and encouragement and also Richie Ryan for his moral support.
Any remaining errors are purely my own fault.
If you enjoy this story then you might like to take a look at my second
story, 'Tapping', which is currently also being posted in the gay/highschool
section of the Nifty Archive. Also, why not take a look at one of
my favourite stories on the net - 'What We Are' by Richie Ryan, which is
also in the gay/highschool section.
Chapter 14 - Changing Friendships
When Sue announced that Rob and I were queer and that she'd seen us both
kissing, I was looking across the room toward her, so apart from John who
was standing next to me, everyone in the room was in my field of view.
Sue had been looking directly at me as she made the announcement and I was
shocked by the depth of the hatred I saw in her eyes. My first thought
was that it was fortunate that I'd already come out to my parents, so Mike's
mum was the only person there who didn't already know I was gay.
If Sue had expected me to feel afraid or guilty, then she was disappointed
because my first real emotion was concern for Mike whose face was a mask
of horror and pain. He pulled his hand away from hers as if he'd been
burned, and he looked at her as if she'd suddenly turned into a complete
stranger. If Sue had expected everyone to stare at me, then she was
mistaken, because the only person looking at me was Mike's mum. Everyone
else, including myself, was staring at Sue until Mike's mum broke the silence.
"Is that true?" she asked, "Are you gay, Paul?"
I nodded 'yes' and all eyes turned to her as we wondered what her reaction
would be.
"Oh, well," Mike's mum said after brief pause, "I never would've guessed."
From the calm way she spoke and looked at me, she gave the impression that
she had just found out something new and unexpected about me, but that the
information was only mildly interesting. She was surprised, but not
shocked, and I might have expected the same response if I'd told her that
I enjoyed playing soccer. Sue's face became flushed as she looked around
the room, obviously surprised, angry, and frustrated at the lack of reaction
to her accusation.
"Don't you care that your son's best friend is a poofter?" Sue said,
almost shouting.
"I've known Paul more than half his life," Mikes mum said sternly, frowning
at Sue, "He's one of the nicest kids I know and he's like a second son to
me. He and his family have always been there to help Mike and me whenever
we needed it, so why should I care if he likes boys or girls?"
My mum smiled and reached across to squeeze the hand of Mike's mum who was
sitting opposite her. As Sue's eyes looked around the room searching
for support, John put his hand on my shoulder as a sign of solidarity.
"Doesn't anyone care that he's a disgusting, wicked, sinful homosexual?"
Sue almost screamed in frustration.
"He's gay, but he's certainly not disgusting and he's neither wicked nor
sinful," my dad said, his voice shaking with suppressed anger, "But even
if he were sinful, he's our son and we'd still love him."
Though I never really doubted that the people I loved would be so supportive,
when I heard Dad's words I could feel tears of happiness begin to form in
my eyes. However, that happiness was soon dimmed when I saw the pain
and confusion on Mike's face as he sat stunned and immobile. Sue stood
up and was visibly shaking as she turned her back on the rest of us and looked
down at Mike.
"We have to talk!" she hissed loudly at him.
Without waiting for a reply, she strode purposefully out of the kitchen and
into the living room. For a few moments Mike didn't move and he looked
like a lost child as he just gazed helplessly around the room. I wanted
to go over and hug him, but under the circumstances I didn't think it would
be a good idea. Then Mike took a deep breath and followed Sue into
the living room, and as he was leaving the room my mum looked over at me
with concern in her eyes.
"Are you alright, Paul?" she asked.
"I'm okay, Mum, but what about Mike?"
"We'll soon find out," Mike's mum said with a worried frown.
I was shaking, and John, who still had his hand on my shoulder, must have
felt this because he guided me to the table and sat me down. My parents
and Mike's mum began to talk very quietly and intensely, but I was too emotionally
shocked to listen to what they were saying. The only words that filtered
through to my consciousness were spoken by Mike's mum.
"I thought she was such a nice girl... so friendly and polite..."
Despite the support I'd just received, I began to feel very depressed and
guilty because it seemed that my best friend's birthday had been ruined because
of me. I wondered if perhaps Sue wouldn't have caused this upset if
I hadn't given her ammunition by kissing Rob. When I heard raised voices
coming from the living room, I began to feel even worse, and my heart became
heavier as the voices became more and more angry.
The discussion around the kitchen table died away and Mike's mum stood up,
possibly intending to go to the living room. However, before she could
step away from the table, we heard the sound of the front door being slammed
and Mike, red faced and eyes brimming with tears, returned to the kitchen.
I don't remember ever seeing him so unhappy, and despite the spectators,
this time I couldn't resist the urge to go and comfort him. As his
mum was already standing, she reached him first and we ended up standing
on either side of him, holding him between us.
"Where's Sue?" my dad asked.
"In the driveway, phoning her dad," Mike responded hoarsely, "She's gonna
get him to pick her up and says she'd rather wait outside than stay in this
house any longer."
His mum and I hugged him even tighter as he tried to fight back the tears,
obviously embarrassed by his public show of emotion. Dad, equally embarrassed,
said that he'd stand outside and keep his eye on Sue to make sure she was
safe until her dad arrived to collect her. Seeing that Mike might need
a little privacy now, Mum and John went home. As soon as they were
gone, Mike allowed himself the luxury of crying, and as the floodgates opened
and tears flowed down his cheeks, his chest heaved with heavy sobs.
His mum led him to the table where he sat down, resting his arms on the table
and hiding his face on his forearms. I sat on one side of him with
my arm over his back while his mum sat on the other side, gently stroking
the hair on the back of his head. Apart from the sound of Mike's sobs,
we sat in silence for several minutes, then his mum stood up, saying that
she'd make us some tea. By the time the tea was ready and she'd placed
three mugs on the table, Mike's sobs had subsided. Although his face
was still hidden, I guessed he was still crying because I could hear him
sniffing back the tears.
"I'm sorry," he said eventually, in a voice that was barely a whisper.
"What for?" his mum and I said almost simultaneously.
"For Sue... what she said. I didn't know she could be like that...
so full of hate. She's always been so loving and sweet, and I thought
she loved me like I loved her." Mike's voice cracked and he heaved
a deep sigh before continuing, "She said she hated me when I said I
knew you were gay and you were still my best friend."
"It's not your fault, Mike," his mum said, "I misjudged her as well.
This is just a part of her that never came out before."
All this time his voice had been muffled because his head was buried in his
arms, as if he was afraid or ashamed to face the world, but now he raised
his head and looked at his mum.
"But she seemed like a different person, Mum. Really vicious..."
He looked at me with red-rimmed eyes, and seeing him like that, I felt my
own tears begin to flow.
"And she made all sorts of weird threats, Paul," he said, "She said she knows
how to deal with queers and she had friends in your school."
He frowned, and an expression of confused worry competed with the look of
misery on his face. My heart sank as I had visions of meeting the same
fate as Dan, but at my school I knew that I would have no best friend like
Steve to come to my rescue.
"She was emotional... just making silly, idle threats," his mum said, "Just
ignore them."
I thought to myself, 'I'm not so sure...'.
Unfortunately, the thought was vocalised and escaped my lips, so they both
looked at me questioningly. I hoped that if I kept silent they would
ignore my words, but that hope was in vain.
"What d'ya mean?" Mike asked after a few seconds of silence.
For a few more seconds I didn't respond because I didn't know what I should
say.
"Yes, Paul, what do you mean?" his mum asked with a frown.
I was tired, upset, and emotionally drained, so my brain wasn't functioning
well and my judgement was impaired by the guilt I felt at ruining Mike's
birthday and spoiling his love life. So when his mum repeated the question,
my only option seemed to be the truth, and I told them what Dan had told
me about Sue's involvement in his beating. As the tale unfolded, their
expressions showed several emotions including surprise, shock, and
horror. When I finished speaking and my words sank in, I was taken
by surprise by Mike's final emotion, a violent anger directed at me.
"You knew and you didn't tell me?!" he yelled at me as he stood up.
He towered over me and I was afraid, even though I knew he would never get
physically violent with me. In all our years together, no matter how
angry we occasionally were with one another, the only blows we ever exchanged
had been in play. On the other hand, I don't think I'd ever seen him
so hurt and angry, at least not with me, and I instinctively cowered down
and shrank away from him.
"You're s'posed to be my best friend and you didn't tell me!" he shouted
angrily, then groaned as if in pain, "You could've told me about her before
I got so involved... before I could be hurt so much."
With that he ran upstairs, and I looked helplessly at his mum, only to find
her looking accusingly at me.
"I only found out on Monday afternoon!" I protested. "When could I have told
him without hurting him? If Sue hadn't said anything he need never
have known."
Her look softened, but she didn't seem as understanding as I'd hoped.
"Even if Sue had never said anything, you would've had to tell him eventually,
before he got even more involved with her," she said.
Knowing me so well, she could see how miserable and guilty I already felt,
and she knew how difficult it was for me to reach quick decisions, so she
took pity on me.
"Paul, I do understand that you couldn't really have told him before today,
but you do realise that you would've had to tell him soon. You're his
best friend and you owe him the truth, even if you think he won't like it."
With my eyes fixed on the table and silent tears running down my cheeks,
I nodded my head 'yes' and sighed. I knew she was right and I felt
like a little child being scolded by a parent.
"But will he still be my best friend?" I asked as the terrifying thought
came into my mind.
"Of course he will!" she said gently, patting me on my head.
I looked up to see her smiling at me, and knew that at least she was still
my friend.
"Now go up and talk to him," she said as she stood up, "I'm sure he knows
already that you'd never deliberately hurt him, so explain to him what you
just told me. As for me, I'm going to bed now... it's been quite a
day!"
She smiled again, ruffled my hair, and went upstairs. After a couple
of minutes during which I gathered together my courage, I went up to Mike's
room and knocked on his door. When there was no response I knocked
again, opened the door a crack and called his name. Greeted only by
silence, I went in uninvited to find Mike on his bed, fully clothed and lying
on his stomach, with his face turned away from me. I sat down on the
side of his bed and tentatively spoke his name but he didn't move or speak.
When I gently touched him on his shoulder, he flinched but didn't pull away,
so I stroked his back. I knew he was awake and could hear me, so I
told him that it had been less than a week since I'd found out about Sue.
I explained that I'd still been working out how to deal with the information
when Sue had made her outburst that night. Still there was no response,
so I told him how much I cared for him and valued his friendship and how
I'd never hurt him on purpose.
From his bedside clock I could see it was almost two o'clock in the morning
and I was very weary, so as I spoke I lay down on my left side, facing him,
and rested my right arm on the small of his back. I don't remember
when I fell asleep, but when I awoke with the dawn about three hours later
we were still in that position. Thinking that I had better go home
and wait until Mike had time to consider things properly, I began to get
up off the bed. Either Mike was already awake or my movement woke him,
but whatever the case, as I sat up on the edge of the bed, he turned over
to lie on his side facing me. He gave me a small, almost shy smile
and reached out to grab my arm, pulling me back. I fell on my back
onto the bed and he put his arm over my chest.
"Let's get some more sleep," he mumbled as he closed his eyes.
He cuddled up to my side and seemed to fall asleep very quickly. We'd
not slept together like that since we were about fourteen, and as I relaxed
into sleep, I realised that we were still best friends.
The next thing I remember was being awakened by a tapping on the bedroom
door and Mike mumbling something incoherent that was probably 'come in'.
His mum entered the room and placed two mugs of tea on the bedside table,
at which point I noticed that Mike still had his arm draped over me.
I was relieved that she could see that both of us were fully-clothed and
lying on top of the bed covers.
"It's nine o'clock and I thought you might like a wake-up call and some tea,"
she said with a big smile on her face, "I'm glad that you're both friends
again."
"We never stopped being friends," Mike said as he sat up and looked at me,
"I was just upset and didn't understand."
"Are you still upset?" his mum asked as Mike and I sipped our tea.
"Yeah," he replied, "I s'pose I am, but not as much. Maybe Sue's calmed
down now as well... I'm gonna have to talk to her."
Startled by those words, I looked sharply at him. I couldn't believe
he might intend to give their relationship another chance, and I was just
opening my mouth to question him when he pre-empted me.
"I still love the person I thought she was," he said, "Maybe the person we
saw last night wasn't really her. Maybe it was some kind of... aberration.
But I can't just give up without finding out, and I should give her a chance
to explain now that we've all had time to calm down and think."
I didn't know what to say, but after I'd told him about Sue and Dan, I couldn't
see how he could believe that her behaviour last night was an 'aberration'.
As I struggled to express that thought, and tried to find words that wouldn't
hurt him, he must have seen the doubt and disbelief on my face.
"You do understand, don't you Paul?" he said looking at me pleadingly, "I've
got to at least try to sort things out, try to get her to change her mind,
make sure she didn't mean those threats..."
His voice trailed off as he saw the doubt in his mums face and the fear in
mine. When Sue had made him choose between her and me the previous
night, he'd chosen me, but that was in the midst of anger and tears.
Deep down inside myself I believed that if she was sweet and loving when
she gave him the same choice again then he would still choose me, but there
was a tiny nagging doubt. Also, I wondered if it was fair of me to
expect him to choose me over the girl he apparently still loved.
Absorbed with those thoughts, it took me a few seconds to notice that Mike
and his mum were both looking at me expectantly. I had thought that
Mike's question was rhetorical, but now I realised he was waiting for me
to give him an answer.
"Yes," I sighed, "I understand. You've got to try..."
Feeling physically and mentally uncomfortable, I got up off the bed.
"I'd better get home for a shower and change of clothes," I said, "I'll be
back with John in an hour or so to move the furniture back."
His mum escorted me downstairs, and before I left the house I gave her a
big hug.
"Thanks for your support last night," I said, then as I turned to go I smiled
and added, "Oh, and thanks for the tea!"
She just smiled and waved good-bye.
When I got home, my parents and John were in the kitchen and had already
finished breakfast. They asked if I was okay and wanted to know how
Mike was, so I updated them on the situation. They, and especially
John, were shocked to hear about Sue's involvement in Dan's beating and I
think they all shared my doubts about Mike attempting to fix things with
her.
"One other thing," I said at the end of my report, "I really appreciate the
way you all stood by me and defended me."
"Did you expect us to do anything else?" Mum asked.
"Nah, I guess not."
Mum offered to cook me breakfast but I wasn't really hungry and I headed
straight for the shower.
"Oh, Paul!" Dad called as I was leaving the kitchen, "Maybe you should be
a bit more careful where you do your snogging in future?"
Although he was smiling as he said it, I could tell he wasn't really joking,
and nodded my agreement. Mum and John grinned at my embarrassment as
I blushed and left the room.
When John and I went over to Mike's house to move back the furniture, Mike
clearly wasn't his usual cheerful self. John tried to raise the mood
with a few jokes but he didn't really succeed and much of the work was carried
out in silence. Before John and I returned home we told Mike and his
mum that our parents had invited them for lunch. Politely declining
the invitation, Mike told us that he intended to go and see Sue and his mum
said they would just snack on the leftover party foods.
As it was another warm spring day, I realised that the morning's exertions
had left me in need of another shower. When I'd finally cleaned myself
up and spent several minutes deciding what to wear, it was time to go and
collect Dan. In my eagerness to see him again I arrived at his house
a few minutes early, and while he finished getting ready upstairs, I got
to meet his parents in the living room. Although Dan's parents were
very charming and welcoming, I was relieved when Dan came downstairs to rescue
me from their questions. While I appreciated that parents are naturally
curious about their child's friends, I wondered why they seemed to try to
extract the maximum amount of information in the minimum amount of time.
With that in mind, I decided to do whatever I could to mitigate Dan's ordeal
when he met my parents.
During the drive back to my house, I gave Dan a summary of the party and
the subsequent events precipitated by Sue. He made sympathetic and
supportive comments throughout my tale, but when I mentioned Sue's threat,
he became very concerned and insisted that something be done about it.
I pointed out that Mike was going to try to defuse the situation and that
until we heard from him there wasn't much we could do except enjoy our lunch
and the rest of the afternoon.
"What time do you have to be home?" I asked.
"Well, as it's the first day of school tomorrow, I told my parents I'd be
home by about eight. Do you have any plans for after lunch?"
"I'd almost forgotten about school!" I groaned, "But yes, I thought we might
go for a drive up into the hills and maybe park up somewhere for a chat."
"Sounds good to me... anything particular you want to chat about?"
"Well, yes and no," I replied hesitantly. "I mean, of course I just enjoy
talking to you, but I do have a particular topic in mind and I'd like to
chat somewhere a bit more private than our dining room!"
"Oh, okay..." Dan said, clearly intrigued.
When we entered the house, John greeted us both with a friendly wave then
followed us to the kitchen where I introduced Dan to my parents. They
made him very welcome, and having been assured that they didn't require any
help, we went to the living room to await the call to lunch. After
Dan and I sat on the sofa, John perched himself on the nearest armchair.
"Look, Dan," John said, "I'm sorry I was nasty to you at the cafe when you
tried to tell us about Sue."
"No need to apologise," Dan replied with a wry smile, "cos even if I told
you and even if you'd believed me, what difference would it've made?
It was only a week ago... what could anyone have done about it?"
"Was it only a week?!" I said, and then groaned, "Somehow it seems much longer
than that!"
Lunch was roast leg of lamb with all the trimmings followed by Mum's wonderful
home-made trifle. Sunday lunch was always the big meal of the week
at our house, but it seemed that this week Mum had made a special effort
to make things even better than usual. I wondered if that might be
related to the fact that I'd told her all about Dan's culinary skills.
The meal was made even more enjoyable because my parents, though clearly
very interested in Dan, were relatively restrained in their questioning.
At the end of the meal we all complimented Mum on the food and she seemed
particularly pleased when Dan asked her for the trifle recipe.
After clearing away the dishes, we all sat around the living room chatting
for about an hour before John said he was going to phone Marie and I said
that Dan and myself were going for a drive. I had expected my parents
to be a little disappointed at my cutting short their opportunity to interrogate
Dan, but they just made a fuss about how much they'd enjoyed meeting him
and told him that he must visit us again soon. Before we left for our
drive Dan went to the bathroom, and as I waited for him by the front door,
Mum came up to me and gave me a hug.
"What's that for?" I asked, surprised.
"Do I need a reason?" she asked. "But anyway, I've got lots of reasons.
After last night I thought you might need all the hugs you could get, and
I wanted to thank you for sharing your friend with us. We always knew
you had good taste in friends, and Dan just proves that."
As usual under such circumstances, I blushed profusely and hoped my face
would return to a more normal colour before Dan returned.
"He'd make a good boyfriend," she continued with a twinkle in her eye.
"Muuuuum!" I whined feeling my cheeks burn even more.
"But what about you and Rob last night?" she said, growing more serious.
"Has he become your boyfriend since we last talked about it?"
"No, it was just a friendly kiss!" I protested in a whisper.
"Okay, I believe you. You're a good boy, but all this is new for you,
so be careful you don't mess with people's feelings. Mike's one of
the strongest people I know, and you saw how much he was hurt last night...
strong emotions like love can cause a lot of pain if you play around with
them."
"Yeah, I know," I said sadly.
Mum gave me a final hug as Dan came downstairs, so at least I had a good
excuse for my red face when he saw me. We said good-bye to my parents
and drove off toward the hills.
The day was warmer than usual for an English spring, so we drove with our
windows down, and despite the recent emotional upheavals, I felt light-hearted
with the wind blowing through my hair. Although I'm a careful driver
I couldn't help sneaking glances at Dan who had a carefree smile and looked
particularly cute in his pale-blue button-down shirt. For the first
few minutes on the road we just relaxed and enjoyed the day without speaking.
"Your parents are really nice," Dan said after a while, "They seem much more
easy-going than mine."
"If they weren't so easy-going then John, Mike and myself probably would've
driven them nuts by now!" I said with a smile.
"You're lucky having a brother... well almost two brothers really."
"Yes I am, but you've got Steve," I pointed out, "and he's better than most
brothers."
"Anyway, I like your family... and your mum makes a great Sunday lunch!"
"My mum definitely likes you as well," I said wondering if I should tell
him more.
"Oh?"
"Yes, she thinks you'd be a good boyfriend."
I glanced sideways to assess his reaction and saw him blush a deep crimson.
For some reason I was totally delighted to have found someone who blushed
even more than I did. However, the blush was his only reaction and
he made no verbal response. A couple of minutes later I pulled into
the same lay-by in the hills where I'd previously had two long talks with
Rob.
The choice of this particular spot was probably not random, though I don't
remember any conscious decision to make that our destination. When
I'd been there with Rob it had been night and quite deserted, but on that
sunny day there were a couple of other cars there. Fortunately, the
lay-by was large and the other cars were far enough away from us that we
could talk privately. As I turned toward him, Dan smiled at me and
waited for me to speak, but it was several seconds before I could decide
what to say.
"D'ya... erm... d'ya still feel the same about me?" I asked looking into
his deep brown eyes.
"Ya mean do I still love you?" he said bluntly, returning my gaze. "Yes,
more now than ever before."
"Well, I think I feel the same about you," I said and felt my face flush.
Because I hadn't thought this out in any great detail, I don't know what
reaction I might have expected from him. If I had expected anything,
then it probably wouldn't have been the frown I actually saw.
"You only think?" he asked, not looking very happy, "and what about Rob?"
"Well, I thought I was in love with Rob, but now I don't think it was the
real thing..."
As I searched for the words to express my complex emotions, I waited to see
if he would say anything, but he just studied me with an intensity that made
me uncomfortable.
"I mean, I love Rob as a friend," I continued, "and the sex was great, but
that just got me all mixed up..."
"You had sex with him even though he doesn't love you?" Dan asked trying
to hide the hurt in his voice.
"Yeah, but not all the way... only as far as you've gone with Steve," I replied,
adding the last part because I felt a need to justify myself.
"And now you think you love me?" he asked, emphasising the word 'think'.
Though his attitude wasn't actually unfriendly, it was cooler than it had
been during our drive, and at first I couldn't understand why. Then
I realised that for months he'd loved me and not had that love returned.
For months he'd probably felt both pain and hope as he tried to gain my love.
Then just a week ago I'd offered him a mere crumb of comfort when I told
him that I might give my heart to him when I gave up hope that Rob might
love me.
Suddenly I saw things from a different perspective and realised how much
I had unconsciously been hurting him. It became clear to me why he
was so cautious about accepting that I really did have strong feelings for
him. As I obviously wasn't sure myself, how could he be sure that I
really loved him, and if he couldn't be sure then he couldn't risk being
hurt even more in future.
All the time he had been waiting patiently for me to answer his question,
he had been studying my face and gazing into my eyes with a mixture of hope
and fear written on his face. In that moment my usual indecision vanished
and I knew exactly what I wanted and what I would do. Maybe I'm just
weird, but there are times in my life when things look confused and unclear
for ages, then suddenly and for no apparent reason, everything clicks into
focus. There are moments in my life when I am in a state of indecision,
and then I suddenly realise that my course of action is so obvious that it
doesn't require any thought at all. That was such a moment.
Not caring if we were being observed or not, I quickly reached out and took
his hand in mine, clearly startling him with the speed of my action.
"Dan, when I said that I only think I love you, it was because I'm new to
all this and maybe I'm not sure what love is. When I was a kid, I had
crushes on other boys, but it wasn't love, and now I realise how I love different
people in different ways... I thought I was in love with Rob, but now
I see it was just friendship mixed with sex."
He didn't appear to be reassured in any way by my words so far, so I took
a deep breath and tried to express myself better.
"What I do know for sure," I continued, "is that I like being with you a
lot. I'm happier when I'm with you than when I'm not with you, and
I miss you when you're not with me. I know for sure that you are one
of the sweetest, cleverest people I know, and you're very cute... no, you're
gorgeous! And I've never felt this way about anyone else before."
We both smiled then, and when I squeezed his hand gently, he squeezed back
harder.
"But," I continued, and he began to frown again, "I've made mistakes... like
thinking I was falling for Ben, then thinking I was in love with Rob.
Those mistakes just hurt me, but if I make a mistake with you, then I hurt
you as well... and I never want to hurt you."
"And what does that mean for... for us?" he said with a confused expression.
"It means that for both our sakes I want to be sure before rushing into anything."
"So I have to just keep waiting?" he asked, beginning to look sad.
"Depends what you mean by waiting," I said, eager to explain the decision
that I'd reached just a few moments earlier. "If you mean waiting by
doing nothing, then I don't want us to do that. What I'd like... if
you want it too... is to get to know one another better and spend as much
time as possible together. I want us to become closer and closer until
we're both sure that we're really in love and really ready to take things
further."
"But I'm already sure that I'm in love with you!" he protested. Then
after a pause he continued, "And what do you mean by taking things further?"
"You may be sure, but after my recent mistakes I've lost confidence in myself
and I need to be able to trust my own feelings again. As for taking
things further... I mean sex..."
My voice trailed off as I said this and I could feel myself blush so I moved
my gaze from his face to our hands which were still clasped tightly together.
With my Catholic upbringing, this was not a topic I found easy to talk about,
but I knew that we needed to discuss it.
"So ya mean no sex until you're sure you love me?"
I couldn't read the emotion in his voice and I hesitated to look at his face.
Then he took my chin in his free hand and raised my head so that he could
gaze into my eyes. He was smiling as he took his hand from my chin
and I continued to look into his beautiful eyes.
"Look," I said, trying to explain, "I don't know about other people, and
it doesn't really matter to me what other people do... Maybe I'm just
odd, but sex with someone has a strong effect on me. It makes me feel
a very close bond and confuses my other feelings for them. That's what
happened with Rob, and I don't want it to spoil things with you."
"But you're still friends with Rob," Dan pointed out, "so it didn't really
spoil things, did it?"
"Yeah," I said, "but I think it might've spoiled things for me if we'd gone
all the way."
I hesitated, wondering if saying more would be giving away a secret, but
then I decided that I needed to be totally open, and I was sure that Rob
wouldn't mind me sharing this with Dan.
"Rob wanted to..." I continued, "to go all the way that is, but then I realised
it just wouldn't feel right with him. It didn't seem... appropriate
for our relationship, and that's when I first realised that I wasn't really
in love with him."
Dan smiled, and I was relieved when he nodded his understanding.
"So how would you like things to go between us?" he asked, stroking the back
of my hand with his fingertips.
"Well, it's not just up to me is it? I can't just dictate terms...
that wouldn't be fair!"
His eyes sparkled and I couldn't understand why he started to laugh quietly.
"No, it wouldn't be fair," he said, "and I know you would never do that.
But tell me what you'd like to happen and then I can agree or disagree."
"Okay, I guess it would be nice to gradually get, ya know... get physical,
as we got closer and closer. Eventually I want a boyfriend who I can
stay with forever, but to do that we need to know if it's real love.
When I've found someone like that to commit myself to, then I can feel ready
to... errr... go all the way..."
My voice trailed off as I wondered if my words sounded as pathetic to him
as they did to me. As I tried to assess his reaction, his smile widened
into a grin.
"That all seems very reasonable to me, and I agree," he said, then his tone
became deadly serious, "But I already know I love you, and if you'd
have me I'd commit myself to you now."
Knowing that he blushed easily, just like me, I was surprised that he didn't
go red or show any other sign of embarrassment when he spoke those words.
In contrast, however, it felt as if my face was positively ablaze.
"But," he continued, "if that's where we both want to go, where are we now?"
"Now? Now, I'm certain that I already love you as a friend and that
I want to be with you as much as possible. I know that I feel something
special for you that I've never felt for anyone else, and I believe it's
what people call being in love. Soon I hope that my belief will become
a certainty."
Dan leaned across and hugged me for several seconds, and I began to worry
in case someone saw us and tried to cause trouble. Eventually he pulled
away and I could see tears in his eyes.
"This is the happiest day of my life," he said simply and quietly, "thanks,
Paul."
"Let's go home," I said, unable to think of any other response.
We drove back toward the town in comfortable silence and I felt as if a new
phase of my life had just begun. Although I hadn't forgotten about
Sue's threat, or the other more minor problems in my life, I felt light-hearted
and free. The only cloud on my horizon was my concern about Mike and
the hurt he must still be feeling.
"Hey!" Dan exclaimed as we drove past a road junction, "My house is that
way."
"Before I take you home, I thought I'd take you to meet my parents."
"But I already met your parents!"
"Yeah," I said with a grin, "but they've not met my boyfriend yet!"
As we drove home I felt nervous and excited, like a little boy going to see
Santa, and when we entered the house I felt happy and proud, like a kid going
to show off his brand new bike to his friends. Dan also looked very
happy and slightly nervous, and he was also rather bemused by my sudden hyperactive
behaviour. Maybe it was silly and childish for a seventeen-year-old,
but I just couldn't help myself.
"Mum! Dad!" I shouted as I dragged Dan into the living room.
My parents, startled by my sudden and noisy entrance, looked up from the
Sunday newspapers to see Dan red with embarrassment and me flushed with excitement.
"Where's the fire?" Dad asked with an amused expression.
Dan was hanging back behind me, so I took a deep breath, grabbed him by the
hand and pulled him forward.
"Mum, Dad," I said, "I want you to meet my boyfriend, Dan!"
Neither of my parents looked particularly surprised as they both stood up
slowly. Dad walked over to us and shook Dan's hand.
"Nice to meet you, Dan," he said, smiling and pretending that they'd not
met before.
Before Dan could respond, Mum rushed up to him and gave him a big hug.
"Welcome to the family, Dan," she said.
"Thanks," Dan mumbled through his embarrassment.
"Oh," Mum said as she finished the hug, "Mike stopped by a few minutes ago.
He was very upset, so maybe you should go right over and see him."
My good spirits quickly faded and I began to feel guilty that I should have
been so happy when Mike was feeling so miserable.
"Okay, we'll go over right away," I replied.
"And boys..." Dad said as Dan and I turned to leave the room, "Maybe you
should try and keep your... errr... affections discreet. We don't want
people like Sue causing more trouble, do we?"
"Don't worry, we'll be careful," I said as Dan turned an even deeper shade
of crimson.
We arrived at Mike's house to find him looking both sad and worried.
After I introduced Dan to Mike's mum, she left us in the living room while
she went to make us some tea. Mike told us that he'd spoken to Sue
on the phone but she'd refused to meet him in person until he dropped his
'queer friend'. After trying to reason with her for several minutes,
he came to realise that on the subject of 'disgusting homosexual perverts'
she was incapable of being rational. He'd then gone to Sue's home,
hoping that she might prove to be more reasonable in a face-to-face discussion,
but her father answered the door and told Mike she had refused to see him.
As Mike turned to leave, Sue's father had poured insults on him, accusing
him of being a 'fag-lover', so it was clear where sh'd learned to hate gay
people.
As Mike was finishing his report, his mum rejoined us with the tea and sat
with us as we drank it.
"Well at least you have your friends, Mike," she said, "and you've had other
girlfriends before Sue so you'll soon find another one."
"I s'pose, Mum... but I loved her more than the others."
"I'm sorry, Mike," I said, feeling his unhappiness.
"It's not your fault Sue's the way she is," he replied, "and I s'pose it's
just as well I found out now rather than later... What worries me most,
though, is that she repeated her threats and said she knew people at your
school..."
"We can't let her do anything to Paul!" Dan said to Mike.
Both of them were obviously concerned, but anger appeared to be Dan's predominant
emotion.
"Of course not!" Mike responded, "But what exactly can we do?"
There was silence for a couple of minutes as we all took stock of the situation.
"Mike," Dan said eventually, "can you meet me at morning break tomorrow...
at the main entrance to the Sixth Form block?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think I may have an idea," Dan replied, "but I'll talk to Steve about
it first."
Seeing our puzzled expressions, Dan smiled and put his hand on my shoulder.
"Don't worry, Paul," he said, "we won't let anyone hurt you!"
Seeing Dan's gesture and hearing his tone of voice, Mike and his mum gave
him a curious look, and that reminded me that I hadn't yet told them the
news.
"Oh!" I said, "I forgot... as of this afternoon, Dan's my boyfriend!"
Mike's mum smiled and raised an eyebrow, obviously unsure what the appropriate
response should be.
"Congratulations to both of you!" Mike said with a grin.
He stood up, moved over to me, and put his arm over my shoulders, then his
expression grew more serious and he turned to look at Dan.
"Be good to him, won't you?"
I was surprised by the edge in Mike's voice, and I was concerned that Dan
would interpret it as some kind of veiled threat. However, Dan just
grinned and seemed not at all upset by Mike's tone.
"Of course I will!" Dan said.
Mike grinned and as I felt his tension dissolve, I was relieved that there
was obviously such good will between my best friend and my boyfriend.
'Yes, my boyfriend!' I thought to myself gleefully savouring the words in
my mind - 'my boyfriend!'.
Dan would tell us no more about his idea for dealing with Sue and as it was
after seven o'clock and we were going back to school the next day, we decided
that I should take him straight home. When we got back to his house
he invited me inside. Although I was tempted to accept, I knew there
was a lot to do to prepare for school, so I regretfully declined.
We sat in the car and held hands for a few minutes because we found it was
really difficult to say good-bye, and the only thing that I could think of
to make the parting easier was to suggest that I meet him at his house after
school the next day. He eagerly agreed to my suggestion, then before
he got out of the car, he leaned over and kissed me, completely taking my
breath away. It was a gentle kiss, and his tongue merely brushed against
my lips without entering my mouth, but it expressed a love that I'd not felt
in all the most passionate kisses that I'd exchanged with Ben and Rob.
As I drove home I was so high that I felt almost drunk, and in retrospect
I wonder if I was really in a fit state to be driving. My euphoria
must have been evident when I entered the house and greeted my parents who
both gazed at me in wonderment as I grinned inanely back at them. It
seemed to me that I floated upstairs, and I'd just got into my room when
I remembered that I'd not given John my news, though I supposed my parents
would have told him. When I went to his room and knocked on his door,
he opened it with his mobile phone held to his ear. Seeing that he
was busy I just whispered 'Talk later' and returned to my room.
Of course I guessed that John was talking to Marie, and that reminded me
about Rob, so with a mixture of emotions I decided to phone him. As
it happened, he seemed very happy when I told him that Dan and I were now
boyfriends.
"I guess that means we won't be having any more fun together," Rob said a
little sadly but trying to make it sound like a joke.
"Afraid not, but I'm sure someone as cute as you will find someone soon!"
"But we're still friends, right?" Rob asked, sounding more than a little
worried.
Ever since the night of Ben's party he seemed to have asked me that question
a lot, and before he'd told me about his brother, I might have wondered why
he seemed so insecure. Now I realised that he was terrified of losing
the people who were close to him.
"Of course we're still friends, Robbie, and we'll stay friends."
"And Dan won't mind you helping me with my maths?"
"Of course not!" I said instantly.
Though that hadn't cropped up in my conversations with Dan, I was certain
that it wouldn't be a problem.
"So you'll come over on Tuesday?"
"Yeah. Why don't I drive you home from school? We can drop John
off here then go straight to your place and work on your maths till dinner
time."
"That's great!" Rob enthused.
"Okay. Well, maybe I'll see you tomorrow at school, but if not I'll
see you in the students car park after classes on Tuesday."
Rob was happy with those arrangements, and for awhile we discussed what had
happened with Sue after Rob had left the party. He felt a bit guilty
that our kiss had caused such turmoil, but I assured him that sooner or later
something else would have exposed her hatred of gay people. I didn't
mention her threats since she didn't really know what school Rob went to
and I didn't think the threat applied to him.
Soon after my conversation with Rob ended, John came into my room with a
cheesy grin on his face. Apparently my parents had given him the news
and he was very pleased for me. His cheesy grin got even bigger and
cheesier when he told me that he was getting on so well with Marie that he
was hoping that soon she would become his first girlfriend.
As I got my uniform and other school things ready for the next day, my mind
ran through the events of the past week. That week, and especially
that last weekend of my Easter holidays, so many things had happened that
my once simple life seemed to have changed beyond all recognition.
The last few days had been so eventful and so full of emotional upheavals
that, possibly for the first time in my life, I was actually glad to
be going back to the relative quiet and order of school.
oo00oo