My resolve to not text Eric started wavering as the week wore on. I missed him, and when he still hadn't messaged me by Friday afternoon, I eventually caved. My brain still wasn't capable of making good choices and, if anything, his silence had only annoyed me more.
Motherfucker.
And I want a boyfriend who's not an asshole, I thought. But I started trying to behave, since I knew I wasn't being entirely rational. We settled on a place, and when I phoned Ellie to tell her about where we were going, and when, she had an interesting response.
"I'm coming with you."
"What, like a chaperone?" I asked sceptically.
"No, like moral support. Plus, that mall has two boutique dress shops, and I'm still toying with the idea of buying something off the rack for the dance and just making changes, if it's unique enough. It'll be so much easier. Just phone me when you leave and pick me up in front of my house. I'll be ready."
Sure enough, she was waiting for me on the sidewalk when I arrived. She tried to be glib and encouraging on the drive over, but I kept catching her giving me worried glances, and when we were done parking and walked into the mall, she gave me a very fierce hug before running off to look for her dresses. I headed to the cafe Eric had mentioned. He was already there and had a table, so I joined him and the waitress took my order for a tea.
"I'm glad you came."
"Why wouldn't I have?"
"I don't know." He shrugged. "But it wouldn't be the first time you left me hanging to prove a point."
I sat there fuming, but said nothing. There was very little I could say that wouldn't make it worse. Nothing I could think of, certainly. I just didn't understand why he was being like this. Until I did, I would probably just have to keep wrestling with how angry he was making me, and try not to say anything stupid. It felt so unfair, after the thing with Jess - all I wanted was some time to just be happy together again. But I didn't know how to make that happen. Not when he was being like this.
"What did you want to talk about anyway?" I eventually managed to ask, in what I hoped was an even tone. I felt a flare of annoyance and exhaustion, like I didn't even want to be there with him. Pushing that down - trying to let it go - I waited, as patiently as I could, while he built up the nerve to talk to me.
He looked like he might be sick, and took a deep breath before speaking. "I... I can't do this any more."
Jesus Christ. Like the fighting was my fault. All my hard-won self-control crumbled. "Then stop fucking with my emotions. Holy shit, Eric, I really like you, but these past couple of weeks you've been putting me through-"
"Jay, that's not what I mean." He interrupted me, wincing. "I know I haven't been great. But it's because I've kind of been dealing with... I don't know how to tell you this. I just can't do this any more."
"What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?" I glared at him. "What exactly, Eric, is it that you can't do any more?"
"I can't be with a guy."
That I was not expecting. It felt like the world at that moment changed to a much colder, more confusing place. It was as if I'd snapped out of a vaguely unpleasant dream, only to fall right into an absolute nightmare. Not quite trusting that I had actually heard what he'd really just said, I looked away for a second. I cleared my throat, and turned back to face him.
"What?" I croaked.
"Listen, I know you won't understand," he said quickly, with a slightly wild look in his eyes. "But I did tell you I could be attracted to girls as well, and I-"
"You said-" I interrupted, but then shook my head. It was difficult - impossible - to get out all the words, and I didn't know how to begin. My anger was rising, and I could hear my heart thumping in my ears. I felt like I could black out, or even like I wanted to hit him. "Is it Jess?"
"What? NO, Jay. No. It has nothing to do with her." LIAR! Everything in me screamed. I had no way of knowing, of course, but I just couldn't believe him. "I'm so sorry, Jay. I promise it's not about you. It's just about... my beliefs. I just don't feel like I'm going down the right path any more, you know? This isn't me. It's not who I want to be any more. I promise it's nothing personal."
It sure fucking felt personal. It felt so very, very personal. The whole time I'd been mad with him, I'd had this longing for how we were at the beginning - cautious, playful, exhilarated. I just wanted to go back to that. Because I had never been that happy before.
But he just wanted an escape route. Or a better option. Anything but me, basically. I felt my annoyance and shock vanish, to be replaced by something harsher and colder. Like an iron door slamming shut. "So what am I? Collateral damage in your journey of self discovery?"
"No! Jay, I care about you. I never wanted to hurt you."
"You care about me?" I laughed bitterly. "That's why you're doing this here? In a public place, where I can't cause a scene. Yeah, you fucking care."
"Jay, that's not fair, I-"
"Oh, FUCK OFF!" It occurred to me that I'd maybe said that a bit loudly, and I carefully modulated my voice. "What's fucking fair about this? Fair would have been you leaving me the hell alone in the first place. Fair would be you not acting like an asshole for weeks and then dropping this fucking bomb on my head. Do you REALLY think I'm the one who needs to be 'fair' here?"
"Okay, I can understand why you're upset, and I'm really sorry."
I scoffed. "I'm shocked that you can scratch together that much empathy, you fucking sociopath."
"Jay." He looked at me reproachfully.
"I can just leave." The realisation blasted through me. I had barely registered that I had even said it out loud. I just felt an urgent desire to be on my own. Away from the other people in the restaurant whose eyes flicked towards me whenever I got too loud. Away from anyone who could look at my expression and wonder what I was thinking. Away from Eric. I stood up mechanically.
"Jay, please don't go." He looked up at me desperately. "I want to make sure you're okay. I still want to be friends."
"I am not okay." My voice sounded so cold to me - it was like I was a different person. "And I'm NOT your friend."
"Jay."
"Go fuck yourself, Eric."
I stormed out of the cafe, seething with rage, right past the waitress who was carrying my tea to the table. I didn't bother to look back to see if Eric was watching me - I just quickly made my way out of what would be his line of sight and texted Ellie.
She was waiting for me next to my car by the time I got there, a worried frown on her face. "Are you okay?"
"Eric broke up with me." I heard myself say in a flat voice.
"Oh, Jay," she said. "I'm so sorry. I-"
Her voice was cut off as I got in the car and slammed the door.
She opened the passenger door, but didn't get in. "Uh, do you want me to drive?"
"Okay." I hopped over in the passenger seat and closed the door, while she made her way around the car.
She got in and spent a moment adjusting the seat and mirrors. A distant part of my brain flickered in annoyance that I'd have to put it all back later. Then she started the car, and we spent a few minutes in complete silence as she navigated out of the parking lot.
"Are you okay?" Her voice had a slight tremble.
I said nothing. It hadn't even really registered that she'd been talking to me.
"Jay."
"What?"
"Are you okay?" she asked softly.
I sat there for a second. My knee-jerk response was just to tell her I was fine, but I couldn't get the words out. In my head, the phrase 'I'm fine' sounded so ridiculous I nearly started laughing.
"No," I said.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"No."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Stop talking." It came out sounding a lot harsher than I had intended, and she instantly went quiet.
We spent the rest of the drive in silence, and eventually she pulled around the corner to my house, and parked my car in its usual spot. We both got out quietly, and she handed me my keys. Then she grabbed me in another fierce hug.
"I'm so sorry." She let go quickly, then walked away from me and around the corner.
I entered through the front door and grabbed some leftover pizza from the fridge. Not that I was sure I wanted anything to eat, but I needed a plausible way to skip dinner without being bugged by my family. I texted my mom, telling her I had food and that I'd be in my room hunkering down for my test, which would pretty much guarantee me some alone time. Then I put the pizza away in my mini fridge and locked both my doors.
I began to pace mechanically, clenching and unclenching my fists as I went. My mind was still having trouble settling down on any one thing - snippets of what Eric had said to me rearranged themselves and played back to me in strange sequences. I felt like if I concentrated hard enough there was a secret code there that I could break, and it would just fix everything. But no matter how hard I tried, nothing revealed itself - no pattern emerged, and the events of the day remained fixed in reality.
When I realised that it wasn't going to work, I began to hate everything. I hated Eric - what the fuck had even been the point of him coming into my life, if he was just going to do this? I hated Jessica. This was all her goddamn fault. I even, for a second, hated Ellie. A part of me knew it wasn't fair, and didn't believe it, but I just hated the fact that she'd seen me after... After. That she'd pitied me. It was infuriating.
My pacing took me right up to my bedside table and, looking down, I saw Eric's thoughtful Valentine's Day gift that I'd left there - the copy of Pride and Prejudice. My hate coalesced on that damn book - it represented something that my whole body screamed needed to be destroyed. I grabbed it and began ripping handfuls of pages out at a time, throwing them on the floor. When there were no more pages left I tried to rip the cover, but it was thick, laminated cardboard and wouldn't give, so I crumpled it up and stomped on it.
Stepping back, I examined the mess, and was suddenly hit with a wave of exhaustion. I was panting, I could hear my heart beating in my ears and my hands were shaking. It felt like I'd been going without sleep for days. I sat down on my bed, and kicked off my shoes, and quietly contemplated the scattered pages on the floor. Eventually, I got uncomfortable, so I shifted until I was partially lying down.
***
Next thing I knew, I was waking up, groggy and dry-mouthed, to my phone's alarm. There were a blissful few moments of confusion, and then reality reasserted itself and I remembered what had happened yesterday. I shuffled out of bed to shower and get dressed, then I poured myself some orange juice and tossed a few slices of pizza into the microwave.
I sat there eating my unhealthy breakfast, and paging through my notes for the test. Revision tests rarely worried me. We'd already been tested on all the material before - the most recent stuff, just two weeks ago. And with Eric not talking to me for most of the week, I'd spent a lot of time obsessing over everything else to distract myself - even AP maths. I'd managed to do every practise question paper over the week, and even had time to circle back to my problem areas. Everything made sense - in the limited confines of mathematics, at least.
I heard my phone go off when the time to leave drew close. It was Ellie.
There was no response. I went out to open my gate for her, and then we headed inside without saying a word. She was quiet this morning - cautious, I guess. I felt a pang of guilt, and turned away from her to finish packing up my bag. She paced around the room.
"Bad book?" Ellie had wandered near the bed, and was busy stepping over the torn pages and crumpled cover.
"Good book." I sighed, turning to face her. "It was a gift."
"Ah." She bit her lip, and sat down at my table. "Do you want to do anything after the test? Like we could go to the beach, or get ice cream or something."
"No."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I looked away. "There's nothing to talk about."
"Okay." Her tone was soft. "Do you want to go now?"
"Not yet. I want to arrive just on time." Louis was going to be there, and my brain was already going into a flat panic at the thought of talking to one of Eric's friends. Even Louis, who'd been nothing but kind to me, would still make me think of what I'd just lost. I didn't know if I could bear that.
"Why?"
I sighed. "I kind of just want to get in and get out."
"Right. We can do that. I can also tell Louis not to talk to you, if you want."
I almost winced at her helpful tone, and the way she'd immediately realised what my problem was. She was being a great friend, and I was suddenly by a pang of guilt at the way I'd treated her.
"It's fine." I grimaced, tugging at my collar. "Sorry about yesterday. I was kind of rude."
"You were fine." She reached across and squeezed my shoulder. "Really."
"Thanks." I attempted to smile.
"Let's go now, and wait in the car if we have to." She got up. "I'll be quiet. I promise."
"Okay." I grabbed my bag.
Ellie picked up my notes. "I wouldn't mind a quick look at these, anyway."
True to her word, she didn't say anything on the drive over, and while we waited in the school parking lot she quietly poured over the notes. When there were only a couple of minutes to go until the test started, we made our way to the classroom and sat down. I sat down near the front, with Angela and Sue, as usual, and Ellie made her way over to sit next to Louis.
The test was easy, which was a problem. I finished very early, and by the time I was done checking, double-checking and triple-checking my answers, I still had half an hour left to wait. We weren't allowed to leave early for this one, so I just had to sit there alone with my thoughts. By the time we were let out, I was feeling anxious and irritable, and it didn't help when I looked up and saw Louis and Ellie approaching me together.
"Hey, Jay," Louis said with a sad smile.
I didn't want to talk to him right at that moment, but it was a little late for that. Remembering how I'd snapped at Ellie the day before though, I did my best to keep my tone friendly. "Hey, Louis."
"We don't have to go get that stuff today, if you don't want to."
"Oh, shit." We'd arranged to buy the things we needed for the science project, after the test. The general idea was that, afterwards, we'd be stress-free and able to be creative, since we'd have to improvise for some of our material choices. "Sorry. I completely forgot."
"That's okay, we can do it whenever."
"Thanks," I said. "I'm probably no good for that today."
He just nodded sympathetically.
"Wasn't Jay going to be your ride though?" Ellie asked.
"That's fine, I'll just call my mom." Louis said. "I can hang around here for a couple of hours, right?"
"A couple of hours?" Ellie gasped. "If you need to wait that long you can come back and wait at one of our houses."
"That might be nicer." Louis fidgeted with a button on his shirt. "I think she's busy today, so I don't know when she'll be done."
"Jay?" Ellie gave me a pointed look.
"Um, yeah. Okay." I didn't know if I wanted to hang out with Louis for hours. I liked him, really, and he hadn't made me think much of Eric so far, but he probably eventually would. And I also wasn't sure where we stood now - after how I'd been with Eric, it would probably be weird for me to carry on being friends with his friends.
But I also felt like I wasn't going to be able to make Ellie keep him company when it was my fault he was at a loose end today. It just didn't feel right. She'd probably also have something to say about how it would be rude of me to abandon Louis, and knowing her, she probably wouldn't wait to be alone to do it.
Something did occur to me, as we climbed into my car. "Uh, Louis. I can just drop you at home if you want."
Ellie leaned forward conspiratorially. "OR..."
"Here we go." I felt a sense of inevitability.
"We can drive up to Avalon, and get day-drunk on cocktails to celebrate the end of the term."
She would know I wouldn't want to do anything. Why was she pushing me to hang out with Louis when we didn't have to? I had to resist the urge to glare at her. "The term ends on Wednesday."
"Whatever." She scoffed. "This was our last test, and we don't have any projects or homework due next week. The term is over. Let's celebrate. I want to get DRUNK."
I sighed, but it turned into a light laugh. Ellie gave me a mischievous look, and turned towards the back seat.
"Louis?" she asked.
"It's more fun than what we were going to do." He shrugged, and looked up at me through the mirror.
I bit my lip. Louis wasn't to blame for what Eric had done, and he'd always been very kind. Besides, I was now roped into a school project with him. Not seeing him was not going to be an option for a while. I blew some air through my lips. "Fine, let's get day-drunk."
Ellie squealed in delight, and I started up the car and headed up the coast. Ellie and Louis mostly talked to each other the whole way, letting me quietly drive. It provided a nice distraction from having to think about anything else. I could just focus on the road and sporadically pay attention whenever my mind would otherwise have had time to drift.
We got to the place Ellie had suggested - a small restaurant right on the beach - and their conversation carried on seamlessly into the arrival of even the second round of cocktails. Once again, the alcohol had loosened me up, and I was beginning to participate.
"As fun as the science project stuff is, I'm enjoying this a lot more." Louis said.
"Yeah." I managed a slight smile, although it felt very fake. "We can do that tomorrow, if you're up for it. I'd like to get it done before the holidays."
"I can, but..." He grimaced. "Let's maybe just wait until next week. Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine." I said, convincingly. I even wondered to myself if it might not have been true. "I'm out having cocktails with friends. Eric can go fuck himself."
"Wow." Ellie clapped her hands together, smiling. "Forceful. I approve."
"Sorry, Louis." I said quickly. "I know he's still your friend."
"Yeah, maybe." He shrugged. "I'm pretty pissed off with him myself. Oh, and Melissa is too - she told me to tell me she's on your side."
"I don't want you guys taking sides. I feel like you've been friends forever."
"No, it's fine, seriously." He looked at me directly. "This might seem kind of weird, but the stuff that's happening between Eric and the rest of us - it's not entirely about you."
Ellie raised her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"
"Sorry, I really shouldn't bring it up." Louis rubbed his cheek. "But I promise you, it's something we've been tense about for a while. I just don't want you to think you've caused all this group drama."
"Thanks." I let out a deep breath. "I'll try not to think that then."
"Melissa actually said she wanted to ask you and Ellie to come to the movies with us next week. Sara and John, too. Without Eric, of course. Or Jess. They're on her 'shit-list'."
"Oh, that'd be great." Ellie said. "Would John be okay, being there with Jay and no Eric?"
"Yeah, John hates Eric. Oh shit," Louis blushed. "I probably shouldn't have said that. Too many cocktails."
Ellie and I exchanged a glance, but neither of us pressed the issue. Although I suspect she really wanted to. Louis clearly didn't like to gossip, and he was just trying to be helpful. Hearing that Melissa was willing to throw down with one of her closest friends to be nice to me - that was kind of great. I wasn't sure I'd say yes to the movies, but it was nice to know the offer existed.
Louis got a call from his mom, who was ready to pick him up. Whatever she'd been doing had been nearby, so it wasn't long until he was handing us the money for his drinks. He got up, and turned to Ellie. "Take care of him."
"I always do." She grinned.
"I'm right here, you know."
He laughed. "Sorry, Jay. Take care of yourself too."
"I'll try."
He nodded. "Bye, guys." We waved, and he headed out to the parking lot.
"Well..." Once he was out of earshot, Ellie leaned back in her chair and gave me a scandalised look. "What do you think this underlying group drama is? It all seems very stressful."
"Who knows?" I shrugged, and grinned. "Remember how infiltrating this group was your plan?"
"No idea what you're talking about." She smirked. "What do you want to do now?"
I sighed. "I don't know."
"Should we go home?"
"I don't think I can drive right now." I considered my drink. We'd had quite a few already. I took another sip.
"We can get an Uber."
"I'm a bit worried about leaving my car here, though."
"Hold on, I have a plan." She took out her phone and began tapping away. "Jamie can drive us back."
"Does he have a driver's licence?"
"Yeah, he got it last week. It's what made me think of him." An amused grin lit up her face. "His parents weren't expecting him to pass, so they were caught off-guard, and he didn't get a car. He might not for a while. He'll probably be happy enough to get a chance to drive. Plus, we can buy him a virgin cocktail or something to say thanks."'
"Okay," I said. "Good plan."
She put her phone down. "Okay. Jamie's on his way. Let's get another round."
She managed to signal the waiter, who went off to get our drinks, along with one for Jamie - who, Ellie assured me, would be along soon.
"So, John hates Eric, and Melissa's on your side." Ellie said.
"Let's not talk about them right now please."
"Okay, fine. We should go to the movies with them next week though."
"I guess."
Ellie sighed. "You worry me."
"Why?" I tilted my head, frowning.
"Because you agreed to do something after I'd only mentioned it once."
I laughed. "Well, I'm fine."
"Are you?"
I took a deep breath. "Probably not, but I'm trying not to think about it."
"That's... healthy."
"Well, whatever it is, I don't want to talk about it in front of Jamie, please."
"Right." She sat up straighter. "You could tell him you know. I think he's got a gay uncle."
"It sounds like you're trying to set me up."
"I mean, if he looks anything like Jamie..." She made a growling noise.
I rolled my eyes. "Why is Jamie free today, anyway? Doesn't he hang out with Ryan and Drew? Ryan has a car, doesn't he?"
"It's still the whole Megan thing. He did what we said, and took her side. So now they're fighting, or they don't like him any more, or something. Maybe. Boy drama is secret drama."
I laughed. "It sounds like things aren't going well with her anyway."
Ellie just shrugged.
Jamie showed up a few minutes later - we could see him in the parking lot - and our drinks had arrived by the time he'd gotten inside. Ellie was right about his willingness to drive, but he also seemed to want to hang out with us. She grilled him on his relationship, and he mostly joked it off, but it seemed fairly clear things weren't going well with his girlfriend or his friends. We ordered a few more drinks each, and spent the rest of the afternoon there. When we were done he took us home, and walked back to his place.
***
Jamie, at Ellie's insistence, agreed to be our designated driver twice more that week. I wasn't consulted, somehow, in a deal that involved my car. But he had driven quite well that day, so I didn't really mind. It got me through that week without having to talk about Eric, which I was grateful for - the only time I saw Ellie again was when Jamie was around, and she respected my request not to bring it up around him. She'd occasionally text me about my 'unhealthy response', but it was easier to shut the conversation down in that format.
Weirdly, I ended up texting Louis a lot that week. We'd messaged back and forth to settle on a day to meet up for buying those materials for the project, and after that he'd just kept the conversation going with me. He kept asking how I was, but he seemed happy to avoid the topic of Eric. It came up once, but I'd just told Louis I didn't want to talk about it, and he'd let the matter drop pretty quickly.
If only it had been as easy not to think about it. I'd had to be honest to myself about reality - even if I was trying to think my way out of my feelings. I'd been slightly ashamed when I'd gotten back into my room that day, slightly tipsy, and had to deal with the debris of my earlier outburst. It felt really sacrilegious to have damaged a book, especially one that nice - regardless of who had given it to me.
I had gotten my overwhelming rage more under control, but anger still dominated my emotions. Hating Eric just felt so much easier to cling to. I didn't want to sit around feeling sad that it was over. What I wanted was to rewrite history, in a way. I wanted everything that had happened between us to be some sort of betrayal. That way it wouldn't hurt so much. It was all a trick, or a cruel joke that he'd played on me for his own malicious purposes.
I analysed every off-beat moment we'd had together, reading into his behaviour to try and find some dark motivation behind it. I managed to admit to myself at one point that maybe Ellie was right - I probably wasn't finding the healthiest way to cope. But I was stuck - it was a spiral of thoughts that didn't have a clear way out.
Eric, for his part, remained aloof - probably a good call, given how I might have reacted if he'd messaged me. At the end of the day, I didn't understand what had even happened, and he was probably the last person who could give me a good explanation. I had my theories about it being Jessica's fault - the kiss, and who knows what she could have done on that stupid church camp. But somehow, I was having trouble buying it.
Maybe that was just because I had trouble imagining him not being with a guy. The way we were together - I just couldn't believe that he could feel that way about me, respond to me that way physically, and still feel the same way with girls. But without the theory that it was Jess behind it all, the dark thought that crept into my mind was that maybe it was me - maybe I wasn't worth it.
I found myself dreading meeting up with Louis the following Saturday, even briefly entertaining the thought - as I turned my car into his driveway - of immediately turning around, heading back home and rescheduling again. But I hadn't even had time to consider before he'd popped out his front door, clearly having already seen me on the approach.
"We don't have to do this today, if you don't want to." He climbed into the passenger seat.
Confronted with the actual idea, it suddenly seemed very childish. Even worse if I had actually cancelled on him at the last minute like that, and he had seen me pull up to his house and then just turn around and leave.
I shrugged. "Have to get it done at some point."
"You'll cheer up when you're thinking about the project. You really got into the designing and the building. Your face lit up."
I laughed. "What a creative way of calling me a nerd."
"Sorry." He grinned ruefully.
We settled into silence as I pulled out of the driveway and headed off. It would take a little while to get to the mall we were going to. After a few minutes, what I was dreading had happened - his tone got serious.
"So, I... uh." He cleared his throat. "I need to tell you something."
"Yes?"
"Sorry, I know you really don't want to talk about..." He sighed. "Eric."
"No." I gritted my teeth.
"But I just thought that maybe you deserved more information. It's what I would want, given-" he paused. "I just thought it might be a good idea for you to know more."
"Okay. I'm listening." My curiosity probably showed in my tone, and he seemed to relax - sitting back further in his seat, his posture loosening.
"Okay. Where to start." He took a deep breath. "Eric's dad is back in town. I don't know if Eric ever told you, but his dad is-"
"A pastor," I said, tight-lipped. Eric's name was still causing a reaction in me, which I kind of resented, and it wasn't lost on me that this camp was a religious thing that linked back to his dad's influence somehow.
"Exactly. Yeah," Louis continued. "He's not a very nice guy. He kind of... I don't know... He likes to exert control and make people live the way he thinks they should live. Eric's mom almost had to get a restraining order, when they were getting divorced."
"Oh, god." I wasn't quite sure how to process that, but it fit with what Eric had told me. A near restraining order seemed a bit more serious, though. A vague, hopeful glimmer sprung up in my mind - of Eric as some sort of tragic figure that needed to be rescued from his dragon of a father. I quickly snuffed it out. Eric wasn't mine to save. Not any more. After the way he'd handled everything, I wasn't even sure I wanted him back.
"I'm not saying this to excuse Eric's behaviour - his dad definitely doesn't know he's into guys. But he has an effect on the way Eric acts - when he can bother to be around. It may be the reason that Eric suddenly feels like he's not... I don't know... 'going down the right path' or whatever."
Something about the quote - Eric's exact words - struck me. "Have you talked to him?"
"No. Not since, you know."
I nodded. "But then how do you know it's because his dad is here?"
"Oh," he said, with a wan smile. "You're not the first guy he's done this to."
"Oh." I said. And then it hit me. "OH!"
Louis blushed, and shrugged. "Yeah, I suspected he hadn't told you. It's what I meant when I said the whole thing with Melissa and John wasn't exactly about you."
"Wow." I felt suddenly off balance. I clung to the steering wheel, glad there wasn't a lot of traffic. "Right."
"I hope it's okay that I didn't tell you. I didn't know if he had or not, and I felt like it wasn't really my place."
"He should have told me." I sighed. "And you were probably right not to."
"Thanks."
"So he did the same thing to you?"
"Yeah," Louis sighed, rubbing his neck. "I don't think we were as serious as the two of you - It had only been like a couple of weeks, anyway, and we hadn't really done anything. Melissa had to deal with the fallout - even though she was more his friend than mine, at the time - and John actually ended up punching him."
"Oh, wow."
"Yeah, it wasn't all bad though. I'd come out to John recently, and he'd gotten really weird about it, and I thought we were done being friends because of it. But then he did that, and though I didn't approve we were... kind of... better." He chuckled, and looked away. "So I guess it worked out well."
"Yeah..." I didn't want to pry, but I had about a thousand questions. "So, you stayed friends with Eric after that?"
"Oh, yeah. We avoided each other for a while - his dad was still around, so I basically didn't exist. But then, when Mr. Christiansen left, Melissa made Eric apologise."
"Of course she did."
"Yeah," Louis laughed. "He wanted to get back together, but I just wasn't there any more, you know?"
"Right." I could imagine feeling the same way. But it was much harder to see myself ever being friends with him again.
"And then he found someone else, so it became a moot point." Louis said softly.
"Me?"
"Yeah."
I didn't know what to say to that, but fortunately I didn't have to respond immediately - at some point we'd arrived at the mall. So we got out and made our way to the craft store. The conversation moved on - mostly to topics of what materials would make the best miniature medieval catapults for the project.
He had a targeted approach, whereas I just went around throwing anything vaguely interesting into the cart. I bought a lot of other items as well. There were some electronics project kits I thought I'd be interested in doing, and one or two gifts for Dot and Des that I thought might be fun bribes for the little monsters, when I needed them. Because all the things I wanted to buy had made up the majority of the cost, I just ended up paying for everything - mostly for convenience.
"I could have paid for some of it." Louis said as we made our way out.
"Yeah, but I didn't want to have to split everything up, and halve the cost, and ugh." I shook my head. "Too much calculation. No maths - we're on holiday now. This is the first Saturday in two months where we haven't had those classes."
"Hard to argue with that." He grinned. "Should we get lunch?"
"Yeah, sure."
We made our way to the food court. He paid for my order - insisting, because I'd paid at the craft store - and we ate in relative silence. I was pretty comfortable around Louis at this point, so I wasn't talking incessantly to fill the time. It felt pretty natural to just sit casually at the edge of the food court, watching the crowd mill by.
I was just watching two guys walking along, holding hands, and I was about to mention it to Louis when I noticed that he was looking behind me, with an odd expression on his face. I turned without thinking, tracing the direction of his gaze.
"Jay-" Louis began in a stunted voice, but if he said anything else I didn't hear it.
Eric was there, hands in his pockets, shuffling along a course that would bring him directly next to us. He looked so different that for a second I wondered if it was actually him. Walking alongside him was a man who was obviously his father. I didn't need the tab-collar as a hint - barring the greying temples and the bitter lines around his mouth, he looked almost exactly like Eric. It was like seeing the ghost of a depressing future.
Eric's eyes drifted across the mall, and came to rest on me. His gaze didn't linger for very long, but it was clear that he saw me. His body language - already so stiff and strange - shut down even further. He sort of shrunk in on himself. His gaze moved coolly on from me, as if he hadn't seen us sitting here, and he just walked right past us. It kind of felt like being punched in the stomach. I froze in my seat. Louis' face went slightly red, and he clenched his fists.
"Jay," he said softly.
"I need to go." I got up, binned the empty packaging from lunch, and grabbed the bag of our day's purchases.
"Yeah, okay." Louis got up and began following me.
I walked quite quickly, and Louis was rushing slightly to keep the same pace. When I saw the entrance to the parking lot I sped up, ignoring Louis as he paused awkwardly by the ticket machines. By the time he'd caught up again I'd already thrown the shopping in the back of my car and climbed into the driver's seat.
"Jay..."
I didn't answer, and I had just started crying - the confines of my car at least felt like a safe enough place for that. The last thing I wanted to do was to just burst into tears in the middle of the mall. I didn't want to cry in front of Louis, either - it seemed slightly unfair somehow to make him see me like this. He must have had his own things going on, and his own feelings about all this Eric stuff. It really didn't make sense, or seem fair, that he had to comfort the guy his friend had fooled around with and then ditched.
"Sorry." I said, mopping at my eyes, and trying to contain myself. "I'm fine. Really."
"Stop being so-" he said, cutting himself off in exasperation. "Just come here."
He grabbed me in a tight hug, and held me as all my efforts to reign in my emotions failed. I just wept uncontrollably into his shoulder, probably getting tears - and hopefully not snot - all over his shirt. Luckily, I was past the point of being self-conscious. I hadn't cried about the breakup, and it was surprising how much of a relief it was, even though I hadn't wanted Louis to see it. Eventually the overwhelming tide of my sobbing receded - that, or I was just running out of breath. I pulled back slightly, and Louis let me go.
"Better?" He tilted his head to the side.
"Yes, sorry. Thanks." I grabbed some tissues from the glove compartment and began to mop at my face.
"We need to pay for parking. Give me the ticket, and I'll go do it." He gave me a cautious smile. "Are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah." I nodded, handing him the ticket. "Yeah, I'll be fine."
He paused while opening his door. "You know, you're an amazing guy, Jay. You'll move past this. It's fresh right now, but soon, it just won't be. And you'll be okay. Even if it doesn't seem that way right now."
"I just..." I shook my head. "I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time. Or what I'm supposed to think. About anything."
He gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Don't worry. You'll figure it out."
I nodded, and swallowed. "Thanks."
"Okay." He smiled, and opened the door. "I'll be right back."
"Okay."
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