I'd been expecting a message from Eric for a while, so I'd had time to plan what I wanted to do about it. I didn't respond, but I did leave it on read. It was a little childish, but he wasn't exactly above that tactic either. I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole thing, because I still had mostly good memories of us.
It had only been about two months from meeting him to the breakup, but most of that had been great. And in the weeks since, I'd gone from furious and miserable to kind of okay about the whole thing. No one's first relationship lasts, and at least Eric had made that quick for me.
Then there was the thing going on with Jamie, which I hadn't even told Ellie about yet. That complicated things, in ways I couldn't quite wrap my head around. I didn't think I was in love with him, or even in danger of going down that path. There were enough signs there to tell me that he didn't think of it as anything more than casual physical fun between friends, and I'd begun to suspect that's exactly how I felt about it too.
There was some power in not being the sex-starved, lonely nerd I'd been before, and I probably had Jamie to thank for that. Maybe that - and needing that to deal with Eric being back in the picture - kind of made the whole situation with Jamie seem more appealing. Eric's message had me confused, a little annoyed, and a little wistful. But one thing I wasn't feeling was desperation.
I let him stew for almost the entire day, and it felt pretty amazing. Like I'd learned how to respect myself. When I eventually relented, it was mostly out of boredom. Sure, I could ride it out and maybe make him grovel, but I just wasn't sure how much I cared about that. I had nothing else to do, and I wanted to see what he was going to say.
There didn't seem to be more than that coming. I let him stew again, keeping myself busy for half an hour tidying up my room. It seemed appropriate to make him wait a bit, and I wanted to see if he'd offer up anything else. When I got back to my phone and saw that he hadn't, I responded.
That felt like another good point to leave him hanging, but I was already out of things to do. So I typed and erased a few responses - most of them not even real messages. I just wanted it to look like I was typing a paragraph to him and stress him out, if I couldn't make him wait. I was still feeling a little bit petty, and willing to indulge that impulse. Eventually, I settled on what I knew I was going to send him anyway.
I let out a deep breath. I hadn't been quite prepared for him to say something like that. It's not like he'd ever been really honest or introspective, so hearing it now was oddly comforting. I was almost expecting him to brush the whole thing off, as if it had never happened. When he didn't, it made me miss him quite intensely, if only for a second.
With prelims approaching, I'd actually started marking my calendar with what I was doing each day. Louis and Angela's influence, I guess. We were planning regular study groups, here at my house, so I'd had to make sure I could keep track of all of them. Nothing derails me more than people unexpectedly showing up at my door. My week actually was mostly booked - either AP maths classes or study group meetings on the days between. It was only Saturday afternoon though, and I didn't have anything planned tomorrow, but I wanted to test a theory.
I don't know if it told me much that he wasn't doing something on a Saturday. Half his friends weren't talking to him, and school was starting to get more serious as we approached prelims - even for the North Grove kids. But it was at least a little gratifying. A moment of panic flared in me - it occurred to me that I'd need to look good. I messaged Ellie.
I messaged Eric.
That gave me just over an hour to get ready. Ellie showed up after a few minutes, and I explained the situation to her. She wasn't happy, but she reluctantly agreed that I'd need to look good if I was seeing him again - even if she really disapproved of it in the first place.
"Why are you even doing this?" She flicked through my shirts with a frown on her face.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because he's a bastard."
"He's not a bastard, he's just got stuff going on." I shrugged, and tugged a shirt from the rail. "Besides, I'm not just automatically going to take him back. I just want to hear what he has to say."
"I suppose." She sighed. "Not that one. You need to wear something more casual. You can't make it look like you tried to dress up."
"Okay, thanks." I put it back, and she moved over to the folded clothing on my shelves.
"What if he wants to get back together?"
"I'll probably say no." I shrugged.
"Probably?"
"I don't know. In theory, yeah." I scratched my chin. "But I also never wanted to start dating this year at all, and look how that worked out."
"Yeah." She looked worried. "Just be careful, okay. Don't go running back to him just because he smiles and says everything is good now."
"I'll definitely try." I sighed. "I do have to do this though. I feel like I need to."
"Yeah, I know." She shook her head slowly. "Go shower, I'll pick something out."
"Thanks."
Once I got out, I put on the clothes that she'd set out for me and let her start working on my hair. She was in no mood to be sentimental, but I, at least, was really glad I had Elllie for stuff like this. She'd fussed a bit over my styling, and a lot over my emotional state. Then she'd headed home, and I was ready to face Eric. On the surface, anyway.
***
"You look good," he said as I sat down at the table on Vecchio's balcony. He'd chosen a much more private spot than one we'd been at in the cafe for the breakup. I guess I could give him points for that, at least. I could probably safely yell at him now, if I wanted to.
"Thanks." I wasn't about to tell him that I thought he looked good too. He'd had a haircut, so it was much shorter than it had been last time I saw him, and I kind of liked it. We sat there for a few seconds without saying anything, the distant crash of the waves the only thing breaking the silence.
He tapped his fingers on the table. "I didn't know if I should order you something, so I just got you a hot chocolate. Is that okay? Are you going to stay for dinner?"
"I've already eaten. The hot chocolate is fine."
"Okay," he said quickly. "Awesome."
More silence. For once, I didn't feel like I had to be the uncomfortable one. He was being fidgety enough for both of us. That type of thing would usually have freaked me out, but I sort of wanted him to be uneasy around me. It felt appropriate.
He sighed. "Sorry, I don't really know where to start."
"I have time." I shrugged.
"You don't seem mad."
I thought about that for a second. "I'm not. I'm bad at holding grudges."
"Yeah," he smiled. "I guess you are."
"But we'll see how this goes before I rule it out."
"Hah. Fair." He chuckled.
My hot chocolate arrived, and after the waiter left, he looked at me intensely, but didn't say anything.
"Yes?" I asked.
"I've got quite a lot to say."
"Good."
"But you kind of need to rein yourself in."
"What?" I laughed.
"You like to make... comments. Jokes." He grinned ruefully. "It'll make it hard for me to keep going."
"But sometimes something funny pops into my head and it's hard to keep quiet." I took a deep breath, and stared at him expectantly. "Okay, fine. I'll try to be serious."
"I don't really know where to start."
I smiled slightly. "When I was a young boy... dot dot dot."
He laughed. "Okay, fine. When I was a young boy, I felt different. Probably not the way you're thinking. I think it was because my first exposure to other people, that I can remember, was as a kid at church. My mom and I always sat in the front row, and when my dad was done speaking - oh, and that was another thing, he was also the only dad who went up to the front to speak. But anyway, when he finished, we would always stand next to him while everyone came up to talk to us. I didn't feel important or anything, but I knew we weren't quite like the rest of the families.
"I don't know where I'm going with that, actually. But I probably should be talking about my dad. I really used to think he was a weird guy when I was little. I guess I do now, too. Maybe. But back then he was always confusing me. I never quite got why he reacted to stuff the way he did. I remember when I put on my mom's big, floppy sun-hat, he laughed. But when he saw me walking around in her high heels, he got mad. They were both her things, so I had no idea what was making him freak out about it. Don't say it - I know what it means now, obviously.
"But yeah, there was always stuff like that. It's why I've always been closer to my mom. I used to think he hated me, or something. Eventually, I realised he's like that with everyone. He'd be really sweet with mom whenever we were around church people, but whenever we got home it was like this wall of silence dropped. Like being nice was his job. I guess it was. Is."
He took a deep breath. "So... the divorce sucked. You always tried to get me to talk about it more, but I never really wanted to dwell. But yeah. My dad kind of went crazy - which was pretty much the least surprising thing in the world. And yeah, I hate to whine, because it was my mom who went through the worst of it. But my life fell apart, in a massive way. I got moved away from Vince, and Jess and Mel. Yeah, her and I were much closer back then.
"Anyway, it was pretty lonely. I didn't have a lot of friends at church, really - Jess and I just hung out most of the time. My mom also didn't want to keep sending me to my dad's camps - she was kind of worried he'd kidnap me. But I fought her on that - I guess I thought I'd get a pat on the back from him for coming. That didn't really work out. After the divorce, he barely even kept going to them. He'd passed on the leadership to some other guy, and that guy's son..."
I nodded. "Was this the one that you traded handjobs with?"
He rubbed the back of his neck, and grinned. "Yup. And then the next year's camp was the one where I met my first boyfriend. Ian. The guy who lived in the same building as us, back in Avalon."
"Right. You realise this is terrible PR for church camp." I smirked.
He laughed. "Yeah, I know. Shut up. I'm not going to thrill you with tales of gay hookups, so wipe that smug look off your face." He shook his head and grinned. "The point is, the church camps were my way of trying to reach out to my dad, and that stuff happened after he ignored me. I don't know if it was why I did it - but it definitely felt like I was rebelling.
"So yeah. But then my mom got remarried, and we moved back out this way. It had been over two years, and I hadn't seen the rest of the guys - and I was trying to cling to Ian, which turned out to be just as impossible as holding onto my friends had been. But by the time the next camp rolled around, Jess was there. Which was amazing - I had her back.
"And things with Ian had finally died out, so I was... I don't know. I felt like I needed something. And Jess had gotten surprisingly hot. You didn't know her as a kid, but man... those two years we were apart, she'd- Ah, sorry. Maybe I shouldn't mention Jess."
I shrugged. When he'd mentioned her name, I'd pictured the way she'd looked at me in the grocery store, and that had probably shown on my face. I did my best to shake off the thought. "No, it's okay. I'm fine. Really. I mean, she's been a big part of your life."
"Yeah. So I think I told you about most of that - her and I ended up dating. But then I told her about Ian, and the guy before him and... She was fine, I guess. She freaked out a bit, but then sort of ended things with me in a good way. We stayed friends, and she brought me back into the fold with the rest of them.
"But then Louis... Well, you know what he's like. So stable and together. He immediately noticed something was weird between me and Jess, and he didn't push, but he let me know I could talk to him. Something was weird between him and John then too - so Lou and I kind of ended up hanging out together more anyway. One day, I eventually told him the whole story, and he came out to me. I'm guessing he's told you about most of this."
"Yeah, we've talked about it."
"Well, yeah. Knowing Louis, he probably didn't tell you that Jess freaked out when she found out the two of us were doing stuff. Which - by the way - wasn't much. We only kissed and jerked off together once."
I crossed my arms, feeling slightly annoyed for a reason I couldn't quite pin down. "Is this important to the story?"
"No. I just don't want you worrying that I have another ex lying around to make you nervous."
"Yeah, I think I can trust Louis not to do anything like that, at least."
"Ouch."
I just shrugged.
He sighed. "Yeah, that's probably fair. Sorry. Anyway, Jess freaked out and told my dad."
"Fuck. Seriously?"
"Yeah. And... this is probably the most fucked up thing, but when my dad stormed back into town, full of God's wrath and a newly-found desire to be a parent, I was kind of happy."
"Shit."
"Yeah, so I blocked Louis out of my life - really harshly, actually. And I tried to live up to my dad's expectations. But basically the second I was back on the straight and narrow, he upped and disappeared again. Job done. Son fixed." He looked down, and inhaled deeply.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay." He shrugged. "It was kind of my fault anyway. And kind of Jess's, but she apologised, and we got over it and started hanging out again. I thought I could pick up where I'd left off with Louis - but he wasn't interested. He kind of got as mad as I'd ever seen him. Which was entirely fair. I'd treated him like shit. But John fucking punched me, and Mel was... hostile."
"I'm familiar." I grinned.
He let out a bark of laughter. "But yeah. We all made our peace, eventually. It was pretty clear Louis wasn't pining for me, and Jess got a boyfriend, so I just tried to be happy with being single. But then I met someone new."
"Me?"
He smiled broadly - and maybe a little sadly. "Yeah. You."
"And then it all went to shit."
He winced. "We had some good times first though, right?"
I shrugged and grinned. "They weren't terrible."
"Gee, thanks. But yeah, I don't blame you for thinking I fucked things up. So you know the rest, except..." He paused, looking up at me.
"Except what?"
"I, uh..." He cleared his throat. "I... I think Jess told my dad again. He came down on me like a tonne of bricks, telling me I needed to 'get on a more righteous path' or something like that. I promise you I wanted to ignore him. I was going to. He even recruited this horde of guys my age to try and encourage me to be a bit... Ugh. I don't know. 'More Christian', I guess.
"But I wasn't feeling great about it, and I was just trying to ignore them and get out of there and back to you as quickly as possible. But then you were a bit... I don't know. You made me mad. So I stayed, got drunk, and I don't know what is was about what they said, but I went home ready to break up with you."
"So you're saying it's my fault, for fighting with you?" I pursed my lips.
"What? No, Jay. No. I... Listen, I think it was more that I felt like I was being a shitty person in your life, and you deserved better than me. So I could let you get on to better things, and I could try and live the way my dad wanted me to."
I scoffed, feeling a slight welling up of rage in the pit of my stomach. "That's so fucking condescending."
"I'm sorry."
"So you want to be back in my life now, though?"
"Yeah. In whatever way you'll have me."
I turned my head away. "And do you think you're a less shitty person now, or do you just think I deserve worse?"
He sighed. "The first one, obviously. Or... I'm trying, anyway."
"Okay." I shrugged.
"You're still mad."
"That's fair, right?" It had come upon me as a bit of a surprise. But I was almost happy that I was at least feeling something.
He nodded sadly. "Yeah. Listen, I get it. After that thing happened with Jess, I was an idiot. And then I was an asshole to you after I got back from camp. So when I took you to that coffee place-"
"Because you didn't want me to make a scene."
He frowned. "That wasn't what it was about at all."
"Didn't feel that way."
"Jay... Hell. If I'd been alone in a room with you, there was no way I was going to be able to resist you."
"Oh." That sort of hit me. I'd almost forgotten the way we'd been around each other physically. He'd always seemed - for whatever reason - to struggle to control himself around me, as much as I did around him.
"Yeah." He shook his head. "Anyway, I thought it was this big, noble gesture of letting you go. But it was just me hurting you more, after weeks of already hurting you. And I'm really sorry I did that."
"Right," I said. "Thank you."
"Are there other things you're still mad about?"
"I guess." I leaned back in my chair, and tapped my fingers on the table, staring at him. "I'm still a little annoyed about the Jess thing."
"Oh, yeah." He nodded. "That. I'm sorry, you were right. I mean, you would have been right just on principle, even if it was a misunderstanding. But she definitely... I don't know. Jess is not a very good person. I won't be seeing her ever again."
I didn't know what to say to that. It almost felt like I should have mentioned seeing her over the holidays - and the way she'd reacted. And I wanted to remind him that what they'd done had taken two people, and the way he'd reacted had been almost worse than the fact she'd kissed him. But him writing off his best friend was a big step - even if she had done something really shitty - and I wasn't really in the mood to defend Jess, of all people. So I let it drop.
"So what do you think?" he asked, after a few minutes of silence.
"Eric..." I began, but didn't really know what to say.
"I'm not trying to force forgiveness out of you, or try and make you be my friend, or... anything. I just want to know what you want."
"I don't want to get back together." I forced myself to continue despite the hurt look on his face. "Not right now, and maybe not ever. Sorry."
"No, that's fine. And fair." He nodded. "I get it."
"I think I can be your friend, though."
"Thanks." He smiled. "That means a lot."
It might have been easier if he'd been less mature about it. But he'd acknowledged my feelings and accepted my choice, and it kind of felt like that was exactly the correct response.
I really wanted to give him another chance. But the practical part of me knew it was a bad idea, and even the more reckless, impulsive part of my mind couldn't figure out a pathway to go back on what I'd just said. So for once I'd locked myself into a what seemed like a good decision.
Something about his story still didn't sit right with me, and after wondering about it for a second, I realised what it was. I looked over at him. "So, what's changed?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've done this before." I shrugged. "Are you going to do it again?"
"No, I won't. I'm better now. I'm not going to let my dad run my life."
"Did you come out to your mom?"
He grimaced. "No, not yet. I want to, but I'm just not quite ready yet to tell her I'm bi."
"You're calling yourself bi now?"
"Yeah, is that a problem?"
"I just thought you hated labels."
"Oh, yeah. I think I'm like... Happy to subscribe to it now, if it's easier for people to understand. I can use it, without it defining me, you know?"
"Yeah, kind of." I smiled, a little surprised. "I think that's a good way to think of it."
"Thanks." He shook his head. "I've been talking to Louis a lot since... Yeah. He's very good at giving advice."
"Yeah," I said. "He's been around for me a lot lately."
"He's a great guy." He sighed and looked away.
"He is." I sipped absently on my hot chocolate, and we spent another few moments in complete silence.
Eric seemed different. A lot less confident, and more jittery. It was almost making me nervous, and I didn't know what I was supposed to say to make him relax. But a voice in my head shut that line of thought down, because it meant I'd started to care - at least a bit - again. It wasn't my job any more to make Eric comfortable. I felt bad for him, but I wasn't about to let myself feel responsible.
"Jay..." He sighed. "I am trying, you know. To be a better person."
I nodded. "Yeah, I can see that. That's good."
"Thanks."
"I think I might go now, if that's okay." I got out my wallet. "I just need a bit of time."
"Yeah, of course. Put that away." He waved his hand. "I'll cover the hot chocolate. I'm the one who dragged you out here."
"Okay. Thanks."
"No problem." He stood up, and reached out to hug me.
I might have kissed him at that point, if he'd tried. There was just something about the contact - smelling his scent, feeling his body pressed against mine - that sent me right back. It was like I had been transported back in time, and nothing bad had ever happened between us. But I carefully held my face away from his, he let me go. The moment, if there even had been one, passed.
"Okay, bye." I tried to make my smile convincing.
His wasn't. "Bye."
I got in my car and drove home. I still wasn't sure how I was feeling. Or, rather, I still wasn't sure why I wasn't feeling more. I thought I'd either get enraged at him, the way I'd been when we'd broken up, or that I'd be longing for him so much that I wouldn't be able to help myself.
But I was still feeling something - a little annoyed, a little sad and a little confused - so it wasn't as if I'd gone numb or anything. It was just massively underwhelming. I messaged Louis immediately once I got back, giving him the rough details.
***
We went to the movies that Friday, like we were always going to, but things definitely got tense when Eric arrived. Melissa and John were openly hostile, although Vince managed to occupy them and soften the tense atmosphere slightly - as Eric's best friend, it had been a while since they'd seen him too.
Sara was overcompensating, because she seemed to feel responsible for John's behaviour, and Ellie was doing such a good job of being polite that I was the only one who could probably tell she was fake-laughing every time.
"Yikes." Louis said, as he, Ellie and I made our way to the concessions stand.
Everyone else had already eaten, but Ellie and I'd had to go to her brother's birthday party at her house, so we were only joining for the movie. Louis had come with us for no apparent reason. I suspected he just needed a break from the tension.
"Mel and John don't mess around, do they?" Ellie asked.
"No." Louis sighed, sounding tense and worried.
"They'll cool down, right?" I asked.
"I hope so." He shrugged.
The line was short, and I quickly got my popcorn and drink, and Ellie got her chocolate.
"Don't mention Jess." Louis said quietly as we walked back to the group.
"Why not?" Ellie asked. "Where is she, anyway?"
"I don't think we'll see Jess again." I whispered. Ellie's eyes went wide and she pursed her lips, but we'd reached the group, so she didn't respond.
The whole thing was a little hard to watch. Louis and Vince were working so hard to try and make everyone get along, but Melissa was clearly not convinced. She warmed to Vincent, but it became clear that it was going to be a while before Eric could be around her again. A lot of John's earlier behaviour now made sense. When Eric had been gone, I'd seen John open up to the group, but now he'd shut down again. He only talked to people one-on-one, and avoided ever addressing Eric directly.
Ellie and Sara were probably doing the best to smooth things over, the easy chatter of their long-standing friendship filling any awkward silences. I was trying to be helpful, chatting pleasantly with Eric when I could - to show there were no hard feelings there - and chatting with Louis a lot to try and enforce a sense of normalcy. It was exhausting, and a feeling of tension persisted anyway.
It was a little easier after the movie, when we'd all gone back to Sara's house to lounge around the beach again. Everyone could branch out into smaller groups that worked - Vincent, Eric and Louis played in the sand, Melissa and John sat near the house in camp chairs talking quietly.
Ellie, Sara and I had arranged ourselves around the fire. I hadn't been back here since the night of Louis' birthday, and I had to fight off my nostalgia about how great that night was. Especially if I was going to have any chance of behaving reasonably around Eric.
Vince, as usual, decided at a certain point that it was time for another foray into the water, and went around gathering people. Ellie and Sara both got up to go, but I stayed put. Melissa and John also declined, and when Vince, Eric, Ellie and Sara made their way down to the water, Louis didn't join them. He came to sit down next to me.
"I think it's going well." I said.
"What?" he asked. "Oh, yeah. The Eric thing."
"Melissa hasn't killed him yet, so that's good."
"The night's still young." He laughed. "You okay?"
"Yeah, of course." I said. "You?"
"Well..." He stared into the fire, but shook his head. "No, never mind."
"Tell me." I turned towards him. "Please."
"It's just..." He sighed "It's a little stupid, after all this effort I've put in to get him back in the group. But... I'm still a little annoyed with Eric."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, he stopped talking to me during the whole thing too."
"Oh." I felt a flare of annoyance at Eric. I didn't realise Louis would have felt it that much, but it made sense. "Sorry. I didn't realise."
"I didn't want to whine." He shrugged. "You were the one dealing with an actual breakup."
"I suppose. But still, that's fucked up."
"Yeah. It just kind of brought back when we broke up." He shook his head. "Don't get me wrong, I'm very much over that. It's just... it kind of makes his line about it being his 'own, personal thing' sound like bullshit, right? I was just his friend this time round. Our relationship should have had nothing to do with his sexuality, other than that we have it in common. But, you know, he makes that decision and then he can't talk to me because I'm gay. It didn't feel great. If I came out to someone, and they ditched me for it, I would stop being friends with them unless they apologised, you know?"
"Yeah."
"Shit, sorry. I probably shouldn't have said that." He grimaced. "I don't want to influence what you're thinking about him right now... you know."
"No, it's fine. I don't think it changes anything." I sighed. "To be honest, I think I already know exactly how I feel."
"Right." He stared back into the fire, and went quiet.
I hadn't really made that realisation consciously until I'd acknowledged it to Louis. The more I saw of Eric, the more it was becoming apparent to me that I no longer felt the same way. Part of what had drawn me to him in the first place was that I thought he'd had something I didn't - the unbridled confidence to be himself, with no regrets and no apologies.
He'd talked about his sexuality sometimes like he was daring you to argue with him. He wouldn't budge for a second on his opinions on which bands were awesome and which ones sucked, or what console or cellphone was better than its competitor. Regardless of the topic, he could debate you for hours on why you were wrong, and he was right.
But all it took was some pressure from his deadbeat dad - and maybe his church buddies - and he was willing to dust aside something so fundamental to himself, something he couldn't change and otherwise didn't even pretend at trying. Pathetic. The word rang out in my head - I couldn't help it. But it was there now, like a burning brand.
I looked over at Louis - he was staring into the fire, completely unaware of my epiphany. Clearly lost in his own thoughts. I cleared my throat. "So he hasn't apologised to you?"
"Um, no." He shrugged. "Not personally. Not about that. I don't think he will. I guess that's okay. It kind of has to be."
I said nothing. Louis had made it too effortless for Eric. Louis was always making everyone around him feel at ease, even if it wasn't the best thing for him. Eric had probably apologised to the group as a whole, for 'causing drama' or something like that. Louis had probably told him to. But no one had been around to tell him Louis might deserve an apology too. It annoyed me - another dark thought to lay at the altar of Eric.
Other people's feelings weren't a priority to him. It reminded me how, after he'd kissed Jess, my feelings didn't matter. Something about all of his apologies felt off to me now. How had he known where he'd gone wrong, when he'd always been so oblivious in the moment?
I looked over at Louis, who only ever wanted his friends to get along. I couldn't ask him if he'd been helping Eric pretend to have a real, working conscience - he'd probably feel awkward about it. But it almost felt like I didn't need to. Caring about the feelings of others, and giving people good advice was just what he did.
He was probably the most trustworthy person I knew.
"Louis." I said quietly.
"Yeah?" He turned towards me, taking a sip of his drink.
"I've been hooking up with another guy."
He started coughing violently.
"Oh no, that poison was meant for Eric." Melissa shouted from her chair. "Sorry Lou!"
He shook his head at her and smiled, thumping his chest slightly and taking some deep breaths. He turned back to me. "Sorry. Oh god, sorry. That looked bad. Rotten timing. I inhaled some beer."
"It's fine." I laughed softly. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good." He took another careful sip of his drink. "So... this guy. Is it serious?"
"Define 'serious'," I said.
"I don't know. Dating, basically."
"Oh, no. He won't even kiss me."
"But if you haven't kissed, then-" He shook his head. "Never mind, stupid question."
"It's weird, right?"
"That he won't kiss you?"
"Yeah."
"I guess." He smiled. "It's pretty much my favourite part."
"I wouldn't go quite that far." I chuckled. "But I do miss it. Plus, it's just bizarre to me that he's had my dick in his mouth, but my tongue is apparently gross."
"Right." Louis blushed.
"Too much info?" I asked.
"Maybe a little."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. And for the record, I'm sure your tongue is fantastic and he's missing out."
"Thanks." I laughed.
"So how long have you been..." He tilted his head to the side and grimaced. "You know, 'doing stuff' with him?"
"Since about... a week into the break."
"Wow, for that long?" He raised his eyebrows. "No wonder you got over Eric so quickly."
"I like to think that was more due to a healthy support system and a rational approach to life."
"Still, the blowjobs can't hurt."
"I've heard they can, if you do them wrong." I snorted.
He laughed softly, and sat back, turning to face me fully. "Do you want it to get serious?"
I thought about that for a second. "Probably not. I like him as a friend, and I find him attractive, but those two things don't really connect. Does that make sense?"
"Well, some people think that romantic love and sexuality can be separated very easily."
"Like Eric."
"Yeah, he's a big proponent of that. I think it could work, for some people. I'm probably not one of them, though."
"Is it bad that I'm doing this?" I asked. "I feel like I should feel more guilty."
"I don't know." He frowned slightly. "If it's making you feel good, and it's not getting in the way of anything else, keep doing it. If it's not making you feel good, or it's getting in the way, then stop."
"Right."
"Hey - this is what you tried to talk to me after we painted the catapults, wasn't it?" He grinned.
"Yeah. Guess I'm not slick."
"No." He grinned. "I hope I'm giving you good advice. I probably tell people what to do too much."
"You're less of a disaster than me, so please always tell me what to do." I laughed. "But seriously, your advice is great. It always makes sense. Whether I'm smart enough to take it is another issue."
He put his hand on my shoulder. "You're smart."
"I can't calculus my way out of this one."
"No, I mean it," he said seriously, shaking me for emphasis. "I get that you think you're good at school and nothing else, but you're a very introspective person, and you know how to think things through, when you try. Give yourself time. You'll figure it out."
"Thanks." I beamed.
"No problem." He smiled, and slowly pulled his hand away. "I'm just going to go double check Mel and John aren't really plotting Eric's murder over there."
"You never know."
"Right?" He grinned broadly.
"Good luck."
He nodded and got up, going over to talk to the two of them. I just sat staring into the fire and thinking about Eric. It didn't seem like I could be anything more than friends with him now, and I was going to have to tell him that. I was still attracted to him, which was the weirdest part. We could probably hook up - like Jamie and I were doing. But I knew Eric would want more, and I couldn't give it to him. Not again.
I almost didn't notice when Ellie settled down next to me again. She delicately leaned her head on my shoulder. "You doing okay?"
I grinned. "That's only the first time you've asked me that tonight."
"You hate being asked that."
"I do." I laughed. "But still. I'm feeling a little unloved."
"Well, sorry." She smiled. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"That didn't sound happy."
"Well, I didn't say I'm happy. I said I'm okay."
She leaned over and hugged me. "At what point do you want to go home?"
"Whenever. I don't really mind."
"You're taking this too well." Ellie brushed her hair back. "I'm going to need you to scream at Eric and make a scene."
"I've kind of been waiting for Mel to go first."
She laughed. "Let's go now then. Yes?"
"Okay."
"Walking or Uber?" she asked.
"Either."
"Walking then. It's still early, and I'm full of energy." She bounced to her feet, and raised her voice. "Jay and I are going home. I'm tired."
"Lame!" Melissa set her drinkdown, slowly getting up and wondering over. She wrapped Ellie in a tight hug.
"I'll walk with you guys." Eric said.
"We were going to catch an Uber." Ellie said quickly, and avoided my gaze when I raised my eyebrows at her.
"Okay, cool, I'll order it." He pulled out his phone.
Melissa and Ellie gave each other a look, and then both looked over at me. I mouthed the word 'I'm fine' and went over to Melissa.
She hugged me. "If he tries to touch you, let me know and I'll kill him."
"Will do. Take care of Louis, okay?"
She fake-scowled at me, and pushed at my shoulder. "Don't tell me how to raise my kid."
I laughed. Louis and Sara came over to hug me, I shook hands with John and Vince, and we made our way up to the road. It was an awkward and quiet walk. I couldn't think of something I wanted to say to Ellie with Eric around. And I felt nervous to say anything at all to Eric in case Ellie read too much into it. She looked as tense as I'd ever seen her.
Fortunately, we didn't have to wait long for the Uber to arrive. Eric got in the front seat, while Ellie curled against me in the back. We got dropped off outside her house, and she stood there for a second, so I hugged her - not something I usually initiated.
"I hope you know what you're doing." She whispered into my ear. I just pulled away and subtly shrugged. Eric and I waved goodnight to her, and she gave me a worried look before heading up the path to her front door. We turned and walked down the road towards my gate.
"So me joining you guys on the way home was... not well-received." Eric grinned.
"That's one way of putting it."
"Sorry, I panicked." He laughed nervously. "It's still kind of tense, and you two were basically half of the people who were trying to be nice to me."
"It's okay. They'll get over it."
"Yeah." He looked over at me. "I also wanted to be alone with you."
As we turned the corner, he stepped towards me and pressed his face against mine. His warmth was intense in the cool night, and my whole face tingled at the contact. His lips were desperate, and searching, and I felt myself beginning to melt at his touch. I ran my hand along the denim jacket that he was wearing, and I gently pushed him away.
Fuck. I forgot how good he was at that. But it didn't change anything, although it definitely made it harder to think. I sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I know." His head dropped. "It's okay. I don't blame you. At all."
"I'm not saying never." I shouldn't have said that. I didn't know that. In fact, I was pretty sure that it was over between us. But the kiss had confused me. The one thing Jamie couldn't give me that Eric could. It didn't change what he'd done though, or the uncomfortable feeling that I didn't think I could ever really trust him again. "But I'm going to need more time than a couple of weeks, okay?"
"Okay," he said. "I'm going to go then."
"Yeah," I said as he turned away from me. I cleared my throat. "Eric?"
"Yes?" He turned back, a hopeful expression on his face.
"Please apologise to Louis."
"For what?"
"For... Jesus, Eric. You didn't talk to him for the last month either, right?"
"No, but-"
"Why not?"
"I don't know..." He shrugged.
"So apologise for that. He's your friend, and he deserves a little better from you, okay?"
"Yeah, okay." He nodded stoically.
I opened the gate and stepped inside, and he didn't start walking away until I swung it shut between us.
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