"Jay! Great!" Ellie grabbed my arm. "You can ride for free - it's quiet today. Gary's going to finish his shift, and then we can go eat together or something."
She marched me towards one of the cabins of the ferris wheel. I'd just walked the whole way from the parking lot facing into the setting sun, so my eyes hadn't yet adjusted to the shadows around the base of the wheel. I blindly let Ellie lead me, and she popped open the door of the cabin, and shoved me inside.
"Oh, God," a girl's voice said as I sat down.
I looked up and it was Jessica, with the same shocked expression on her face as the last time I'd seen her. But she had no way to get away this time - and neither did I. My head snapped towards Ellie, who grinned, shrugged, and shut the door. On the other side of the glass, she danced away quickly, and the cabin shuddered into motion.
After a few seconds, I let out a nervous laugh. "Hey Jess. Come here often?"
She shook her head, and I thought I saw the corners of her lips twitch up. "No. Gary's only just got this job. I've been hanging around with Ellie today."
"She clearly has plans again."
"Yeah..." She tugged nervously at her hair. "She thinks I need to talk to you."
"Why?"
"About Eric."
It was the last name in the world I needed to hear right now. I still felt so guilty about how it had ended. The way he'd looked at me before I left. "I wish Ellie would leave things alone, sometimes."
Jess shook her head. "No, she's right. I owe you an apology."
"For the kissing thing on your birthday?"
"No." She winced. "Or, yeah, actually. For that too. I guess I haven't apologised for that either."
"No."
"Well, I am sorry for that." She looked up at me. "Really sorry."
"Uh, okay." I shrugged. It didn't seem to matter so much now.
"But also about what happened with Eric at that camp. The one right before you guys broke up."
"Why would you apologise to me for that? I thought you'd want to apologise to him."
"To-" She jerked back, and narrowed her eyes at me. "Why would I apologise to Eric?"
"You told his dad he was seeing a guy. You outed him." My mouth dropped. "Holy shit, you get why that's wrong, don't you?"
"Okay, first of all, that was years ago." She crossed her arms. "And I didn't tell his dad, I told my camp counselor that - in confidence - and she was the one who gossiped with his dad about it. Plus, I did apologise for that. Also years ago."
I frowned. "That's not... Jess, this last camp? Didn't you tell his dad?"
"No! Did he tell you I did?"
"I..." I tilted my head. "He said he thought you had. Why else would his dad have come down on him the way he did?"
Her face went pale, and she glanced away. She took a deep breath, and looked back at me. "Did he... tell you anything else? About that camp?"
"No." I frowned. "Something about some guys trying to persuade him to be more... Christian. Or something. But other than that, no."
She closed her eyes, and exhaled. "Oh god. You're going to fucking hate me."
"What?"
She looked up, and fixed me with her gaze. "Jay... Eric and I... at that camp... We kind of hooked up."
I barked out a laugh, causing her to flinch slightly. I felt a brief surge of rage at Eric, but it was quickly washed away by indifference, and an almost bitter sense of amusement. Of course. Of course he'd done that. Every time I felt the slightest sympathy for him, it turned out I was wrong. I'd been feeling guilty for breaking his heart again, and he'd done this.
"He..." She cleared her throat. "He didn't tell you?"
I shook my head, and kept quiet.
"I'm really sorry."
I inhaled slowly. "So... what happened, then?"
She cleared her throat. "He um... had wine. So he asked me to come back to his cabin, and we drank a lot, and then I kissed him again." She winced. "Sorry."
"It's fine, Jess."
"It really isn't though. And we didn't stop there."
"Ah. So did you-"
"Not... really." She grimaced.
I raised my eyebrows. "What does that mean?"
She shifted in her seat. "We um... got naked and everything. Started touching each other and... stuff. And then he..." She looked away. "He couldn't get hard."
I don't know why, but I burst out laughing. It just felt perfectly ridiculous. Not only had Eric not told me that he'd actively cheated on me right before he broke up with me, but his fling with Jess had probably led to him feeling like he wasn't as into girls as much as he'd always thought. Which was probably what had driven him to his crisis point.
I couldn't quite figure out why his dad had intervened, but the whole thing seemed ridiculous. Jess seemed to have caught my laughter, and the two of us sat there, slowly moving on from breathless guffawing to weak chuckles. I wiped a tear from my eye. "Sorry. That might be inappropriate."
She grinned, and shrugged. "What's appropriate, right?"
"Yeah..." I nodded, still smiling.
"I am really sorry, though."
"It's fine, Jess."
She groaned. "It's just... I feel like such a shitty person. It was all fun and games for me when I thought you were some straight guy Eric had a crush on - he'd done that a few times. But then when you two started dating... It pissed me off. And I tried to ignore it, because I had Frank. But then we broke up, and I just... it sucks to watch someone you used to feel that way about be happy with someone else."
"Yeah, I know the feeling." My mind went to Eric and Nick. Even him dating Nick hadn't made me want him again, but there was something about it that had made me feel wistful. I'd been wondering the whole time what things might have been like if we'd never broken up in the first place. Now, that seemed like a much less pleasant thought.
"And then I saw you guys kissing - that day, in the water, at Louis' birthday party." She sighed. "I never saw him with Louis... God, there's another person I should apologise to."
"Why? What'd you do to Louis?" I frowned.
She shook her head. "I was just kind of dick to him after I found out about them, and I didn't really stop. Then I had the chance to be nice to him for one damn day at his party, but Frank dumped me, and I saw you and Eric... I just wasn't feeling great. And then things went to shit so quickly after that, he probably still thinks I hate him."
"Yeah, you should probably tell him. Louis, of all people, won't hold it against you."
"Yeah, he's like that." She sighed. "Kind of makes me feel even worse."
I grinned. "I know what you mean."
"I've just been a mess ever since things fell apart with Eric, and I've just gone around being a dick to the wrong people."
"I'm sorry." I smiled sympathetically.
She laughed. "For what?"
"Just about how you feel. About being part of that, I guess."
She shook her head. "It's not really your fault, is it? Eric's the one who's been fucking with my feelings."
"Yeah, he does that."
She rubbed her temple. "I can't believe he didn't tell you about what we did."
"It doesn't matter." I sighed. "I wasn't planning on getting back together with him anyway."
"Good move."
"But thanks for telling me. I think it helps that I know."
"Sure." She bit her lip.
"What?"
"Sorry. I'm still just a little shocked you're not shouting at me."
I grinned. "I've made some bad choices myself, lately."
She laughed. "I bet I have you beat."
"Oh, really?" I didn't really want to tell her about the thing with Eric. I hadn't even managed to tell Ellie yet.
"Yeah." She crossed her arms triumphantly. "Frank's gay."
"What?" I stifled a chuckle. Oh god, poor Jess. That was a terrible track record.
"Apparently I'm some sort of magnet." She scrunched up her face. "But at least I wasn't as hung up on him as I was on Eric. We're kind of friends now. I needed someone to hang out with once Eric ditched me, and Gary's busy with Ellie half the time these days."
"I'm glad you have a friend."
"Me too." She rubbed her arm, and smiled. "So do we hug, or..."
I laughed. "No, we can't let Ellie see that. I want to pretend I'm mad at her when she lets us out."
"Good idea." She grinned. "I'm on board."
Ellie was too good at reading me, though. By the time we'd gotten out, it was clear that Jess and I weren't uncomfortable any more. We went to dinner at a nearby restaurant, and I got to know Gary a bit better. He was a very quiet guy, very willing to let Ellie take the spotlight. Which was probably all she needed in life.
Jess ribbed her cousin about how sappy and romantic he was with Ellie, and I quietly contemplated my situation. I couldn't feel guilty about how Eric had looked at me when I left him. Not after what Jess had told me. But it was still hard to get his face out of my mind. And then there was Nick to consider. I just didn't see any way this could end well for him.
But what Jess had given me, at least, was something else to think about. I'd been wondering if there was anything I could have done differently after Eric got back from camp, to keep us from getting into this mess. But now I knew that even that wouldn't have been ideal. It was at least enough of a way out that I was able to enjoy my evening with the three of them. When we finished, Gary and Jess headed off together, and Ellie came with me to my car.
She twirled on the pavement, giving me an elated grin. "Gary's great, isn't he?"
"Yeah." I nodded. "He's very nice."
"And Jess isn't the monster we thought, is she?"
"Yeah." I sighed.
"That sounds grim." She raised her eyebrows at me, but I didn't reply for a while. For once, she seemed content to just wait for me to speak.
We got to the car and drove out of the parking lot in relative silence. When we reached the first traffic light on the way home, I turned to face her. "I need to tell you something."
"I hope it's scandalous." She grinned across at me. "I'm already having such a wonderful day."
"Yeah." I grimaced. "About that..."
"I'm having the best life." She laughed. "Well, go on."
I started to tell her - slowly, haltingly - about the mess I'd gotten myself into
***
Telling Ellie helped me shake off the last of the awful feelings I'd been nursing about things with Eric and Nick. She still thought I should have told Louis, but I just couldn't, and eventually she stopped prodding me about it.
I spent days dreading a message or a phone call from Eric, and I was so relieved every time Louis messaged me, because it meant Eric still hadn't said anything. Even though I felt guilty every time for not having told him.
When something did finally happen on that front, I was surprised to see that the message wasn't from Eric. It was from Nick.
Blocked.
Shit. I wondered if Eric had told him about what he'd said. I assumed Nick wasn't mad about me fooling around with Eric - that would be a little weird and hypocritical. But if Eric had broken up with him, and told him it was about me, his reaction made more sense. A few minutes later, I got a message from Louis.
Right. Okay, that partially explained the Nick message. So Eric had shut down again. I wondered for a second if his dad was really back. Or if I was the one that had done this. Fuck. I needed to talk to Ellie, but I knew she was going to be with Gary again today. And I couldn't just ignore Louis, who was still messaging me.
My immediate thought was to tell him he wasn't responsible to pick up the pieces every time Eric fucked up. But then I remembered that this could very easily be my fault, and I just felt very guilty.
It didn't take long at all until I got another message from Nick. I'd clearly been unblocked, and it didn't seem like he was angry any more.
He told me where, and I messaged Louis.
I swung by Louis' place to pick him up. I tried to convince myself on the way there that this was something with Eric's dad again, or that he'd just not told Nick anything. It didn't really work, and I was still mildly anxious when Louis climbed into my car.
"We have to backtrack a bit. He wants to be picked up too." He grimaced. "Sorry, I didn't offer, but I mentioned you were on your way to get me and he just... signed up."
"It's fine." I shook my head. "I feel like he's taking this better than I did."
"Yeah," Louis laughed. "Better than I did too."
I frowned. "I can't really be friends with Eric after this, you know."
"Yeah." He sighed deeply. "I'm so sorry."
"For what?"
"For giving him a third chance." He blushed. "It killed me that he had done the same thing to you, but he was so torn up about it afterward that I really thought... I don't know. I just kind of bet he wouldn't be doing this again, and I lost. It's honestly kind of ridiculous."
"I think I get it. He's been your friend forever, and you didn't want to ruin your last days of high school."
"Something like that." He settled back in his seat, and stared out the window. "I also felt like if I was shitty about it after he came back to his senses, you guys might not get back together, and that maybe I was being-" He shook his head. "Never mind. I feel so stupid. Melissa and John were right, this whole time. I tried to be like this noble ideal of a friend, and he just..."
"It's fucked up."
"Yeah." He sighed again. "Sorry."
"Don't apologise to me." I felt a pang of guilt. This could all still be because of me. "I've fucked up worse."
"A little hard to believe." He grinned ruefully, which faded when he saw the look on my face. "You want to talk about it?"
"I don't know. It's a little fucking embarrassing." I gritted my teeth. I should have just told him right away, when it had happened. But I hadn't wanted to bug him right after how upset he'd seemed that night, and then I'd had time to start feeling ashamed about it.
"You can tell me you know. I promise I won't judge you."
"Yeah, I know." I took a deep breath. "But we're almost at Nick's. I'll tell you later."
"Okay."
***
Nick fluctuated between seeming 'completely fine' and 'absolutely falling apart'. Sometimes he seemed cheerful and talkative, but then he kept going off on minor rants about all of Eric's flaws - the religion thing, the pop culture judgements, the way he'd never just talk about anything personal.
I could tell Louis still felt really guilty, and every time I saw him trying extra hard to be nice to Nick, I almost wanted to grab him and tell him and shake him. Maybe tell him that this was all my fault, not his. So I tried to wrap it up quickly, seizing on a few lulls in the conversation to drop hints that I would eventually need to get home and drop everyone off.
Eventually Nick picked up on them, or just ran out of steam, and Louis at least looked satisfied that he'd done something about the situation. When I dropped him off at home first, he'd waved at us and watched me pull back onto the road with a look of concern on his face. Nick and I spent most of the drive back to his house in silence - he seemed to have burned out most of his energy earlier.
He took his seatbelt off and turned to me. "Do you want to come in?"
Theoretically? Absolutely not. But I still felt like all of this could have been my fault. If I hadn't let Eric goad me into going home with them that night, they might be completely fine. Hell, if I hadn't drunk as if the world was going to end. If I hadn't gotten tangled up in their weird relationship, maybe they'd even still be together.
Or not - but then it wouldn't have been my fault or my business. And I wouldn't be sitting in my car with a guy, giving me a look that I was fairly sure came with a bunch of intentions. Intentions that, the way I felt, I wasn't entirely sure I could resist. Between my guilt and the fact that I still found him attractive, it seemed difficult to say no.
I cleared my throat. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."
"I'm not in the mood for good ideas." He grabbed my collar and pulled me into a kiss. "Now, I'm going to ask you again. Do you want to come in?"
I didn't say anything, I just looked into his eyes and nodded, and we headed inside. It was quiet in his house - no one seemed to be home. Instead of leading me up to the attic again, Nick took me into his room. It wasn't quite the same wild, creative space as his studio, but there were still sketches all over his walls. He started kissing me while pulling me over to a bed with black sheets.
On the way there though, I saw a sketch he'd pinned to a corkboard on his wall. It was Eric. Unlike the naked painting upstairs, this was just one of his face. Nick had drawn him with a slightly vulnerable, hurt look. Just like the way he'd looked at me after I'd told him that I didn't love him. I wondered what Nick would have said to bring that look out of him. To be so familiar with it that he could sketch it.
I pulled away from Nick. "I'm sorry. I just can't do this."
"What?" His eyes flashed darkly. "Why not?"
"I just don't think it's a good idea." I shrugged, and took a step back.
He laughed, shaking his head, and then stepped forward and put his hands on my shoulders. His face moved in close to mine. "And when has that ever stopped you?"
I nearly winced at that, true as it was. That was pretty much my whole problem. I disentangled myself from his arms, pushing him off of me when he didn't immediately let go. "Sorry."
"So, what? You're just leaving now?" He asked incredulously.
"I think that's probably for the best." I frowned.
"Fine." He crossed his arms. "But tell me what happened between you and Eric."
I cleared my throat. "We uh... fooled around a bit. That was allowed, right?"
"Sure." He shrugged, pouting slightly. "Was that all?"
"More or less," I said carefully.
"Did he let you fuck him?" The muscles of his jaw tightened.
I didn't say anything. I didn't have to.
"That bitch." He laughed maniacally. "I knew it. He never let me do that, you know. Said he just didn't like the idea in general. But of course the heroic fucking ex comes along, and boom. Nick who?"
"Sorry, I didn't know."
"No, you're just so fucking innocent and doe-eyed, aren't you?" His arms dropped to his sides, and his hands clenched into fists. "Everyone loves Jay, and I'm just the piece of shit that never deserved Eric."
"No one said that."
"Who cares if anyone said it out loud? Like I couldn't tell exactly what Melissa and John and everyone thought of me."
"I liked you."
"Fuck off, you liar. You hated me." He shook his head. "You hated me the worst, because you wanted him and I had him."
"Where the hell is this coming from?" I was beginning to get angry.
"The worst part is that he wanted you. He wanted you so badly. He never stopped talking about you. I swear to god, one time I think he actually cried out your name while we were having sex. But I just ignored it, because I wanted him more than anything." He tilted his chin up at me, a dark gleam in his eye. "And if I couldn't have him, I could at least fuck things up for the two of you by getting in the way."
My jaw nearly hit the floor. If I had been feeling sorry for him, I wasn't any more. I felt tainted. This whole thing had been such a mess. I'd fucked a guy that had pretty much hated me. And his boyfriend, who loved me. I didn't feel anything for either of them now, really. Except maybe disdain.
Eric wanted me, but couldn't even be faithful. Nick wanted Eric so much he didn't even care that it wasn't mutual. So the two of them had just cynically carried on with each other, and both tried to make me some sort of battleground for their relationship.
I pitied both of them, but I couldn't bring myself to care any more. It made me feel like such an asshole. "I should go."
"Yeah, why suffer a single fucking consequence for getting what you want? You can just go slutting your way around from guy to guy, and not give a shit about how anyone else feels." He was practically shouting. "I should just fucking tell everyone you're gay!"
I froze where I was. He'd crossed a line, but panic didn't well up in me - anger did. It was mostly directed at Eric. More abstractly at his dad, and possibly at society and religion in general. That Eric could be so messed up that it hurt other people like this. That my sexuality could be used against me as a threat at all. That we even lived in a world where there could be any negative consequences for just being who you were.
It wasn't really anger at Nick. But Nick was there, and he'd just threatened me. I grabbed the door tightly, and slammed it shut, turning around on the spot. He flinched, and his eyes widened. Maybe he thought I was going to hit him - really hurt him, with no one around to help. The panic on his face calmed me down, but not enough to stop the venom in me from spilling out.
"You know what really happened with Eric and me? Yes, I fucked him. Sorry, I didn't know that was a big deal. But he did, and he didn't give a shit about your feelings." He flinched at that, but I kept going. "And I didn't even finish fucking him, because he told me he loved me. So congrats for that. You're right. He wanted me. And he doesn't want you. No one does."
Now I'd crossed the line too, but I couldn't stop. I might as well have punched him. He looked like I had - his eyes were wide, and his jaw was slack.
"So go ahead. Tell 'everyone' I'm gay. It's not like I hang around anyone who doesn't already know. Prelims are over, so I have to grit my teeth for a few finals. That's all you'll be able to ruin for me. If people even believe you. Maybe your pathetic little pod of gal pals will, but you'd have to tell them about you first."
I should have left off there, too, but I was angry and scared. And determined to not let him see that. "Whatever. Out me and I'll out you too. But don't be surprised when I'm fine, while you're getting slurs painted on your locker and sent to counselling with a priest. I think we both know who everyone hates more, and it's not me. So go fuck yourself, Nick. No one else seems to want to."
He'd started crying, and it brought me back to myself. I almost wanted to apologise, but Nick was dangerous, and showing the slightest hint of weakness would probably be a mistake. Maybe I'd just seriously fucked up - maybe he'd do it anyway, and probably call my bluff. I had no way of knowing, but I couldn't back down.
My only real option was to get out of there as quickly as I could. I stomped out of his room, slammed the door behind me, and shuffled to the front door as fast as I could. I practically ran to my car. My hands were shaking as I drove over to the next street, and pulled onto the curb.
I felt sick. My heart was pounding in my ears, and my vision felt like it was tinted red. I took deep, gasping breaths of air to steady myself. It felt like the drive home was going to be impossible, so I phoned Louis.
"Hey. Nick just blocked me. Is everything okay?"
I exhaled sharply. "Yeah, um, well, no. Sorry, I know I just dropped you off, but can I come talk? I need to talk."
He must have heard the tremble in my voice. "Yeah, of course. Do you want to go somewhere or just come here?"
"Uh, there, I guess."
"Okay. I'll open up, and you can park inside."
Given how close it was, it felt like it took me forever to get to Louis' house. He appeared in the doorway without me having to message or call him, and he opened the gate. I rolled my car onto the driveway and pulled to a stop.
I didn't immediately get out, so he walked up to the car, opened the passenger door, and got in. He didn't say anything at first, just gave me a concerned look and put a hand on my shoulder when he saw me shaking. Then he pulled me into a hug.
I told him everything. Not in graphic detail, but I mentioned the threesome and that I'd done things with them separately, and Eric's confession. I told him about Nick's revelation from earlier, and the way I'd lashed out after.
I apologised, repetitively - for not telling him, for making bad choices, for anything and everything. It was hard to even look at him. I felt so ashamed, and I burst out crying at the end. He just held me while I sobbed, and I felt so ridiculous.
"Jay, it's okay," he said softly. "You could have told me, you know."
"I just felt..."
"What?"
"Like you'd think less of me."
"Why?" He frowned.
"Because I'm... Easy." I grimaced. "Or slutty, like Nick said."
Louis laughed. "Oh come on. Like he can talk." He quickly pulled me into another hug. "Besides, do you really think I'm one of those idiots who cares about dumb stuff like that?"
"I don't know." I shrugged and sighed.
"It could be a bit of an economic issue, though." He turned to me and grinned. "You know, with your virtue tarnished like this, you'll never find a rich husband. I guess you're just going to have to make peace with the fact that you're going to wind up a spinster. And your parents might have to sell the farm now."
I couldn't help but laugh at that. "Shut up."
"Seriously, though. I know you've got a weird repression thing. At least a bit. Probably because your school keeps telling you to hate yourself for having sex."
"Yeah." I couldn't argue with that - they kind of did.
"But, you know - safe sex, consenting adults. Right?"
"Yeah."
"But just tell me about it next time, okay? You don't need to feel like you need to deal with this stuff on your own, because you think I'll judge you." He grabbed my shoulder. "I won't."
"Okay."
"Did you at least tell Ellie?"
"Only after the thing with Eric." I shook my head. "Fuck. I'm just as bad as him, aren't I?"
"You're absolutely not." His voice was serious. "Jay, you did nothing wrong."
"I shouldn't have said that stuff to Nick."
"Probably not, no. But then, he shouldn't have threatened to out you."
"Why are you always so nice to me? I feel like a fucking monster."
"Jay." He put his hand on my neck, and looked right into my eyes. "This is a mess, sure. But it's Eric's. You didn't do this, you just reacted. And maybe you reacted badly. But so did Eric, and so did Nick." He sighed. "And so did I. So please don't feel guilty about it."
I snorted. "How did YOU react badly?"
"It doesn't matter." He grinned ruefully. "But trust me. If I could go back a year and do everything differently, I would."
"Yeah, me too." I took a deep, steadying breath, and smiled up at him. "Thanks. I should have talked to you much earlier."
"My point exactly. And no problem." He pulled his arm back. "Now, do you want to have tea and watch a movie or something before you have to head home?"
"Yeah." I still felt a bit shaken, but just seeing him had already helped. It would be nice to calm down a bit more before going home. "That would be nice."
"Okay, well then come inside."
We got out of the car, and he led me through the front door. His house was fairly old-fashioned, everything sectioned off into rooms, no open-plan spaces. There was a lot of wood, and antique furniture, and the walls were cream. I could have told you Louis lived there - it just matched him so well. It was so mature, well-thought-out, and neat. He led me past a stairway to a door at the end of the hall.
"Sorry, my mom's here. You're going to have to say hi."
I nodded, and he took me into the room which turned out to be a kitchen. His mom, a willowy blond woman with a warm smile, looked up from her laptop as we entered.
"Mom, this is Jay."
"Hi Jay. You can call me Mara." She smiled and shook my hand. "It's nice to see you and Louis are friends. That science project was just wonderful. Louis said it was your idea."
"We decided as a group, I guess." I shrugged.
"You can pick out a movie so long, Jay." Louis indicated a door at the other end of the kitchen. "The living room is just through there, and the remote's on the coffee table. I'll make the tea."
"Okay, thanks," I said. Louis's mom smiled at me, and I attempted to smile back.
I went through into the next room, sat down on the couch, and could still hear Louis' voice through the wall as he talked with her, but hers was muffled.
"No, he's okay. Just a bit of personal stuff."
Muffled response. She sounded worried. Which was fair - I probably looked like a mess, and had shown up out of nowhere.
"No, nothing like that. Just relationship stuff."
Muffled response. Curious, maybe?
"None of your business."
I laughed quietly at that.
"No, we're just friends."
Muffled response, amused tone.
"MOM!"
At that point I started thumbing through the channels. It sounded like Louis was finishing up the tea. A lot of the responses were quieter, and I couldn't make anything out. I felt a little guilty for having overheard, but I would have had to blast the TV at full volume to have drowned out his voice.
Louis came out of the door, shuffling slowly with a cup of tea in each hand. He set them down gently on the table, and settled on the couch next to me.
"So you're out to your mom?" I asked casually as he sat down.
"Oh god." He went bright red, and looked back at the thin kitchen walls. "You heard all that?"
"Not the whole thing. Just you. Sorry." I grinned. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop. You were just right by the wall and everything you said was very clear."
"No, it's fine. I should have realised." He smiled. "Sorry, my mom's very inappropriate sometimes. She thinks that every guy that comes by is my boyfriend."
"How many guys come by?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Thousands. You should see this place in summer. It's like Pride in every room."
I laughed, and continued flicking through movies.
"Why are you browsing the horror category?" he asked.
"I thought it might make me feel better."
"Fine, but just so you know, I'm a total baby about horror movies. So if there's a jump-scare I will scream and pass out on you."
I chuckled. "I'm looking forward to it."
"Well, as long as you're warned."
I settled on something that turned out to be a little disappointing, although Louis was exactly as skittish as advertised. I was laughing by the end, but the cheesy jump scares would actually make him jump, and the corny, overdramatic music would make him bury his head in my shoulder when it got too intense.
"I'm honestly a little worried about you." He laughed when the credits were rolling.
"Why?"
"You found that stuff funny."
"No, just your overreactions."
"I did warn you."
"Yeah." I smiled. "Thanks. This was a good movie night. Sorry for being such a mess."
"No, it's fine. I had fun." He grinned. "I'm going to have nightmares now, but it was fun."
"Sorry." I smirked. "Feel free to call me at 3AM if you need to."
"I definitely will."
"Great..." I looked down at the floor, and rubbed the back of my neck.
Louis' voice was gentle. "You okay?"
"Yeah. I just... I should probably get going. Don't want to waste your whole afternoon." I shifted in my seat, and looked up at him. I didn't really want to go. It felt like I'd left all my thoughts about Eric and Nick outside, and as soon as I left, I'd have to deal with them again.
"I'm seriously not doing anything." He shrugged. "It's fine. Do you want to watch another movie?"
"No." I smirked. "I think I've terrified you enough for one night."
"We could talk."
I shook my head. "I've talked too much already. You must be so bored."
"Bored? By you? Never." He smiled warmly.
"Unlikely, but thanks." I shifted on the couch.
"I could do the talking."
"About?"
"I don't know." He blushed slightly. "Well, yeah, I actually have a good topic. Might make you feel a bit less..."
"Like a walking disaster?"
He laughed. "Yeah, maybe."
"Well, now I'm curious."
He hopped up. "Hang on, I just want to check something."
I watched him move across the room, filled with curiosity. "Okay..."
He went to the door to the kitchen, opened it a crack, and stuck his head inside. He wasn't there for long, and quickly came to sit back down on the couch next to me. "Okay, my mom's in a call. We can talk about it."
"Oh my god." I chuckled. "What the hell are you going to tell me?"
He grimaced. "Nothing weird, don't worry. Just something I did that made her quite mad at me, so I don't want her to overhear and get reminded."
"Okay, well, now I have to know." I leaned forward.
"Okay, so I haven't ever really told you about how things went with my first boyfriend."
"Right."
He cleared his throat. "So, basically, we met and started dating, and then-"
"You can't try and make it a bit more of a story?" I couldn't help myself.
He rolled his eyes and smiled. "None of that's really the point. But fine, where do you want me to start?"
"I don't know. Like where you met, and how."
"Okay, I suppose I can do that." He sat back. "I was sixteen, and we went to stay with my grandparents for a couple of months. Mom was between jobs, so she had two months when she wasn't doing anything, and it was basically this big holiday."
"Good start."
"Thanks. So I don't know if I remember exactly how I met Nate, but his parents were my grandparents' neighbours. They did lots of things together, so we probably just ended up hanging out once at a dinner or something, and then we just found each other for everything after that. And then, one day, we were alone in his room... and he kissed me."
"Wow."
"Yeah. It was amazing, and I was so happy. Only thing was, he kind of freaked out. He knew he was gay, but he was a bit uncomfortable about it still. And, um, there was a bigger issue..." He grimaced. "He was two years older than me, so he kind of felt guilty about that, I guess."
I blinked. "Oh, okay. That's not that bad though."
"Yeah, I definitely didn't think so. Although, god, can you imagine dating a sixteen-year-old now? Even one you knew."
"Yeah, that'd be weird. Ellie's brother is sixteen, and I still kind of see him as a toddler."
He laughed. "Yeah. But anyway, I wouldn't let him get away. He avoided me for like a week, but then there was another dinner party, and it would have looked weird or rude if he didn't hang out with me. So I just kind of... wore him down."
"That does not sound like you." I chuckled.
"I got a bit carried away. But eventually he sort of... melted. I think he really liked me too, and eventually that won out. But he basically told me that anything we did together had to be my idea - he wouldn't try anything with me unless I suggested it first."
"That's kind of sweet."
"Yeah. And I..." He blushed furiously, and shrugged. "You know, I had an internet connection and a fertile imagination, so..."
"Oh my." I laughed. "Don't worry, I won't ask."
"Good." He grinned. "So there's your story. Now I'll get to my point."
"So efficient."
"Thank you. So, that happened over the two months I was there. He'd just finished high school, and was taking a gap year, so I saw him on most weekends after that - either we'd go visit my grandparents, or he'd come down here."
"Oh wow. Did your mom know?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "I've been out to her since I was thirteen, and she was pretty cool about the whole thing with him."
"Right."
"Yeah. So it was kind of nice. I only saw him on weekends, so it didn't get in the way of school, but it was enough. I think we really loved each other. We said it, anyway. And I was sure that I felt that way." He took a deep breath. "But then that year ended, and he went away to university. Which was about a ten-hour drive away."
"Ah."
"Yeah. So that was... rough. We decided we'd just do long distance. My grandparent's house is a couple of hours up the coast, so this didn't seem that much worse, and we'd already made that work. But this time it just... didn't."
"I'm sorry."
He shrugged. "I guess we were both just a bit naive. It was kind of hard to notice, at first. We thought he'd be driving back every weekend to visit me - and he did, for like the first month. Which was kind of insane, if you think about it - he'd rock up in the early hours of Saturday morning, and left in the middle of the day on the next Sunday. Driving for almost a day, just to spend a day and half with me."
"That's kind of sweet."
"Yeah, it really was. But not super practical. He was very tired and grouchy the whole time anyway. And after the third week, his car broke down, and he couldn't use it for a while. Then, after what it cost him to get it fixed, he didn't have enough money to spend on fuel for the drive. We sort of agreed it probably wasn't the best idea, and just decided to keep in touch online, and I'd see him around the holidays.
"But then... I don't know. We started drifting. Since we weren't physically together, we didn't really make time for each other. He'd go off to parties, I'd hang out with my friends, and we'd miss opportunities to talk. Eventually it got to the point where it could be a month between conversations."
"That's not good."
He shook his head. "No. And I think he realised it before I did. I was the one who had a cool, older boyfriend. It's not like high school was overflowing with options - I didn't even know about Eric back then. But Nate had friends, and went to parties - with other eligible gay guys around."
"Shit, did he cheat on you?"
"No. Or, at least, I don't think he did - he was a good guy. I think he just realised it was a bit weird to be stuck in a non-relationship with a high-schooler when he could have had something real. So he broke up with me."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"It's fine. It made sense. Well, it does now." He scrunched up his face. "Okay, so here's the part that's meant to make you feel better. When he broke up with me, I didn't take it well. At all."
"What did you do?"
"I..." He laughed ruefully, shaking his head. "I stole money from my mom's bag, hopped on a bus and tracked him down at university, and refused to leave his dorm until he took me back."
"Oh god."
"Yeah. I still feel so guilty about it. He went into a flat panic - there was an underage kid in his dorm room, refusing to leave, halfway across the country from his family." He laughed. "My mom drove through the night to come pick me up. She was so mad. I was grounded for six months, and I had to get a job to pay her back for the money I stole."
"Wow." I smirked. "You're a mess."
He laughed. "And here I am trying to be nice to you. I was a mess. Past tense."
"Yeah, unlike me. I am a mess. Present tense." I sighed.
"I'd say you're in a better state than you think." He smiled softly. "But yeah, my point is you shouldn't worry. You're not the only one with problems."
"Thanks." I nodded. "And thanks for telling me that."
He shrugged. "It is actually nice to talk about it. I usually try not to."
"Yeah."
"It's probably the reason I haven't dated so much while you've known me. I kind of don't trust what I want any more, you know?"
"Yeah, absolutely." I nodded slowly. "I feel that way too. I need to write off dating. Or... guys in general, I guess. Until I can figure out what the hell I'm doing."
He bit his lip, and shrugged. We drifted into silence. I didn't get uncomfortable around Louis any more when things got quiet between us, but I would have appreciated some more advice. He always knew how to solve my problems. But I guess, given his history, he hadn't quite figured out that part himself.
I cleared my throat. "I should probably head home."
"Yeah," he said. "I'll walk you out."
We made our way outside, and I hopped in my car and rolled down the window.
"Thanks so much for telling me that. It really helped."
"I try." He shrugged. "Now you know my supervillain origin story."
"I think of you more as a wise mentor." I grinned.
"Great, like I'm a thousand years old."
I laughed. "Only on the inside. You look great for your age."
"Thanks." He chuckled. "What are you doing tomorrow?"
"I don't know. Moping, Eating junk food, googling 'How to Make Better Life Choices'"
"You'll figure it out." He laughed, and clapped me on the shoulder. His hand lingered for a few seconds, before he gave my arm a quick squeeze and let go. "Bye."
"Bye." I rolled my window up, and headed home.
It really had helped. Spending time with Louis always put me in a good mood, and just knowing that I didn't have any secrets from him now was a massive weight that had been lifted off of me. I'm not sure that I thought his bad choice was anywhere near as horrific as mine, especially given how many of them I'd made lately. But it was nice to know I had a friend who understood, and didn't judge me.
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