It felt like finals were flying by, and I hadn't even noticed. Every day was a rigidly structured routine, courtesy of Louis and Angela's grand study plan. Sometimes that involved strictly doing nothing at all, since certain days were scheduled purely for rest. We'd either hang out together those days and have fun, or phone each other to make sure we weren't flailing at notes we'd already studied. I was fairly certain that rule was for Sue's sake - we'd had to stage an intervention at her house a few times.
But it had been a lot of fun. Maybe it shouldn't have, and maybe I should have been a bit more stressed about school. But every exam along the way went great for me, and when we weren't with Angela, Sue, Ellie and Sara, Louis and I spent most of our off-days alone together. Doing incredibly fun, incredibly nerdy stuff. It was almost one of the happiest times of my life, and I was sad it would all be over so soon.
We only had one final left, and we were going out in style. AP maths was two days away, and John's birthday evening - and the morning recovery period, for those of us who would need it - lined up with the enforced rest period that Louis and Angela had scheduled in. The morning before, and the night before that, we'd do our final cramming for that exam.
But for now, we were supposed to be relaxing and enjoying ourselves. So we were at a dive bar, where Ellie and Sara chatted about their dresses for the Matric dance, Melissa and I were trading sarcastic barbs and dirty jokes, and John and Louis were throwing back shots like someone was paying them for it.
I wasn't drinking, because I was driving again, but I almost felt like I didn't need to. I was too happy to care. Sure, the place was noisy, and the floors didn't look like they'd ever been cleaned. The tables were kind of sticky, and the only other people in there - a skeletal couple who were covered in tattoos, and an incredibly old guy who was unironically wearing a cowboy hat - kept giving us dirty looks.
But the burly, hairy bartender was just happy we were all there, and all eighteen, so he'd kind of given us the run of the place. He was busy setting up the karaoke machine, at John's request, when three more people walked inside. One was Gary, who made a beeline to where Ellie and I were standing. He wrapped his arms around her, lifting her up off her feet and giving her a kiss. I laughed, and wondered if she'd instructed him to be that dramatic, or if he just knew she liked that sort of thing.
The other two people were a bit of a surprise, but kind of a nice one. Jess, dressed in a sequinned top that looked way too classy for this place, and Vince, about as ready for it as anyone else in his casual beachwear. John got up as he saw them, and walked over, giving them each a hug. I looked over to Ellie, who smiled mischievously at me as she dangled off Gary's arm.
"Glad you're finally using your meddling powers for good." I grinned.
"I felt like mixing things up. Watch." She nodded towards the group.
Melissa and Louis had gone over too. Jess and Melissa hugged - which was something that I'd never seen, even before the drama. After Louis and Vince had talked for a bit, Jes dragged Louis off to have a fairly serious-looking conversation with him.
After that, it was more or less one big, happy blur of activity. I spent most of the time chatting to Gary, who was the other designated driver for the evening. We commiserated over being the only two who weren't drinking. We had a good time though, and I liked him more and more. He seemed smart, if pretty quiet. I'd occasionally lose him to Ellie's need for affection, but I didn't mind just sitting down and soaking in the atmosphere.
The karaoke machine was also eventually set up, and the real fun began. It consisted of almost everyone getting reluctantly pressured into singing something, interspersed with John taking every other turn. I did a duet of Take Me or Leave Me, from Rent, with Mel. Which both of us mangled. Ellie and Jess sang some Taylor Swift song together, Vince rapped something I wasn't even vaguely familiar with, and Louis and Gary both flat out refused.
John didn't have a half-bad singing voice, although he and Louis kept up their drinking pace, so the songs more and more frequently became love songs that he sang a bit sluringly while staring at Sara. Which, at least, she seemed to be enjoying - smiling up at him and occasionally whooping.
"I love you baby!" he yelled, after he'd finished his latest song.
"I love you too!" She laughed.
Melissa shook her head. "Ugh. Sickening."
"If you think that's bad." Sara grinned. "We're about to do a duet. And he's choosing."
She got up, laughing while Melissa made gagging noises. Louis slid down in the booth next to me, sighing heavily and leaning his head on my shoulder. He seemed a bit unsteady.
"Flagging, are we?" I put my arm around his shoulders, and tried to hold him stead.
"John's already making fun of me for not keeping up with him. But he's twice my size, and he didn't have to wake up at dawn for a study session."
I laughed. "You're not complaining about that, are you? If I remember right, you're the one that shifted everything earlier - and forced me to wake up early - just so we'd have time to get ready for tonight."
"Yeah..." He chuckled. "Sorry about that. I'm fine, I think. But if John makes me have one more shot, I'll die."
"Well, don't let him. He seems pretty busy, anyway." I nodded to the little makeshift stage where he and Sara stood as they serenaded each other. "You should have a Coke or something."
"Yeah, that's a good idea."
I settled him back against the seat, and took my arm off of him. "Here, I'll go get you one."
"No, it's okay." He sprang up, wobbling slightly for an instant before stabilising. "You're driving us home, and I haven't paid for a thing all night. I'll get you something - you want a Coke too?"
"Yeah, sure." I shrugged. He smiled, and headed off to the bar.
"You're our ride home?" Melissa asked.
"Yeah, to John's place, right? Didn't Louis tell you?"
"No, Louis never tells me anything." She scoffed. "Usually not until it's too late, anyway."
"How is it too late?" I chuckled. "That's such a dramatic thing to say."
She grinned ruefully. "Ellie's a bad influence."
"Yeah, she is." I laughed. "She seems to be having fun."
"Yeah." She looked across at them, and back to me. "That Gary guy's cool. And it's great to have Vince and Jess here. Almost like old times, except..."
"No Eric."
"Yeah, fuck that guy." She grimaced. "Sorry. Probably shouldn't bring him up. But since I already have... Are you talking to him at all? Louis said he might have done a dad-is-here disappearing act."
I blinked. I'd almost forgotten that Louis and Ellie were still the only people who knew about what I'd done with Eric and Nick. It made it kind of hard to answer. I was mostly over it now, but remembering that it had happened still caused me to feel a vague pang of guilt. "Uh, no. We haven't talked."
"Sorry. He's... he's so frustrating."
"Yeah, I think he's just got problems. Nothing I have to put up with, though." I shrugged.
"Exactly. Let him sort his own shit out. Think you'd ever take him back? If he became less of a train wreck, or something."
"No." I shook my head. "I think we'd have to start over, in a way that's not really possible now."
"Yeah, I get what you mean." She nodded. "You seeing anyone at all?"
I grinned. "Are you flirting with me, Mel?"
"No." She laughed. "Shut up. If I was flirting with you, you'd know it. Because you'd be uncomfortable. Anyway, here's Louis with your Coke. I'm going to go chat to Jess for a sec."
Louis set the drinks down in front of us, and collapsed onto me again. I let out a small chuckle, and put my arm around him again. He looked up at me. "What?"
"Nothing. I'm just having a good time."
It was really pretty amazing. The place was disgusting, and the three patrons who we were annoying weren't exactly being welcoming. But I was hanging out with a bunch of people I thought were pretty cool. I hadn't drunk a drop, but I was still all warm and fuzzy on the inside, and so happy to be around them. Even Jess, even knowing what she had done. I blamed Eric more for that anyway.
"Yeah, I'm having a good time too." Louis sighed happily, and twisted his head back into my shoulder. "Remind me to thank Ellie. This was exactly what I wanted. You know. When I tried with Eric and Nick..."
"Yeah, I know. You just wanted all your friends together again."
"Yeah. Jess apologised to me, by the way."
"Oh, cool. For what?"
"Old stuff. She's been bit off with me, ever since my thing with Eric. It was really nice to hear her say it. I didn't know how much I needed that."
"That's great." I squeezed his shoulder.
"Yeah. Eric's not here, I guess. So it's not all like my friends are back. But fuck him." He tensed. "Or, I mean-"
"No, I agree. Eric can go to hell." I squeezed him against me. "All the best people are here, anyway. Right?"
"Right." He said sleepily. "Not Sue and Angela. We like them too."
"We do. But Angela isn't eighteen yet, and Sue's still stressing about the final, so..."
"Yeah, so they're probably studying and getting way ahead of me. And you don't have to worry about that, because you're so fucking smart with maths."
"And only with maths. And hey." I shook him lightly. "Don't get all maudlin on me. You'll be fine. I'll help you with all that stuff tomorrow. You're staying over at my house tomorrow, right?"
"Uh, maybe? I think my mom said something about going to a work party that was right down the street from you, though. So either way, I'll be there late and could use the help."
"Sure." I laughed. "Now, do you think Jon's going to throw up in my car?"
Louis chuckled. "I hope not. He's usually pretty good with holding his liquor."
"Yeah, well, he better."
"Just point his head out of the window." He laughed. "It'll be fine."
I grinned, and checked the time on my phone. It was getting late, so the bar would be closing soon anyway. I doubt anyone really had energy to keep going after we left - Louis was flagging, and it was kind of shocking that John was even still alive. That was half of the people I had to give a lift home, anyway. So this would be over for me as soon as they needed to go home. I didn't really see us seeking out another bar.
The bartender was nice enough to do a last call. Most places like this, they'd just kick you out, but he'd clearly been very happy with the evening's tips, so he was still being nice. Vincent and John - against everyone's advice - each had three more shots, and then we all decided to call it a night. We marched out to the car, Louis hanging off of me, and Gary helping to support John.
John tried to head for the passenger seat, but Ellie very skilfully got in his way as she kissed Gary goodbye, and then beat him to it before he'd even had time to realise. So John got in behind me, Louis got in the middle seat and Mel sat behind Ellie, and we waved our goodbyes to the others and I got ready to drive off.
Once we'd all piled into our seats, I was pretty nervous. Cleaning John's puke out of my car would really suck, but he was also sitting directly behind me, so if he was a projectile-vomiting kind of guy, I was doomed. Louis was sitting in the middle, and I could see his face in the rear-view mirror. He didn't look worried, and that was at least reassuring.
With one last nervous look back, I started the car, and we were on our way. I tried to drive slowly and steadily, taking corners at a snail's pace and keeping a very firm grip on my steering wheel.
"God, you drive like my grandma." Melissa laughed.
"I don't want John to vomit on me. Or in my car."
Louis looked up and smiled at me through the mirror. "He's going to be fine. Aren't you, buddy?"
"Yeah." John inhaled deeply.
I remained anxious, despite Louis' confidence. The stakes were high. At least the dive bar was only a short distance away from where John lived - and Louis and Mel were going there too. I kept checking up on Louis' facial expression though, just to make sure he didn't start looking worried.
"Oh god." John groaned.
"Out the window, please!" I pushed down forcefully on the button in my armrest, and cool night air started pouring in through the window next to him. I looked at Louis' expression, but he looked more confused than concerned.
"Not going to puke," John said. "It's Sara."
"What about her?" I asked.
"We need to go back to her house."
Ellie chuckled, looking up from her phone. "What? Why?"
"Just love her so much. We need to go back. Please, Jay."
I shook my head, smiling despite myself. I definitely wasn't driving his drunk ass all the way back to her house, but it was very sweet of him to feel that way. Officially, I was going to join the others when they inevitably mocked him about it later. But the secret romantic in me thought it was adorable that he felt that way.
"John." Louis said calmly. "You're going to see her tomorrow, remember? She's done with exams now. You-- Ellie, what are you doing?"
"Recording. I just thought Sara might like to see this. So she doesn't have to miss you too much, John. Say more things." Ellie giggled. I looked over, and she was twisted around in her seat, pointing her phone at him. My eyes flicked across the mirror just in time to see Louis roll his eyes.
"Hey, Sar-bear!" John clearly was done moderating his volume.
"Sar-bear." Melissa snorted. "Ellie, I'm so glad you're recording."
"We're driving home, and I really love you and I miss you. Louis's helping me not to puke - he taught me this thing with breathing and humming. And Jay's driving us home. He's really, really nice. Isn't Jay really nice, guys?"
"No, but that's why I like him." Melissa leaned across into the front and nudged my shoulder. I grinned at her.
"I think Jay's lovely," Ellie said.
"Thank you."
"When he's not being an idiot." She smirked.
"So, very rarely then," I said darkly.
"No, you're nice. And smart." John reached forward, around the seat, and patted my shoulder. "Right, Louis?"
Louis and I made eye-contact through the mirror again, and he looked like he was trying to suppress laughter. "Sure. Jay is both nice and smart."
"You like Jay."
"Yes," Louis said patiently. "Jay is great."
"Mmm." John took another deep breath. "Eric wouldn't... taken us home."
"Eric doesn't have a car." Ellie shrugged, still holding her phone up.
"Eric doesn't have a soul." Melissa's tone was dry, and John started chuckling weakly.
"Jay is nice." He finished off with one last deep, emphatic breath.
Ellie settled back in the seat, tapping on her phone and holding it up in front of her. "So, there you go, Sarah. John loooves you, Jay is nice and Eric's a dick."
"Hear, hear!" Melissa laughed.
"Say good night to Sara, everyone!" Ellie held up the phone, and we all shouted good night - John being the loudest, of course.
"Eric is a dick." John said, after a few seconds, and Ellie snorted.
Louis leaned forward, and indicated a road that I was approaching. "Turn here. John's place is just at the end of this street."
I pulled up next to the right house, and John fumbled with his seatbelt mechanism while Louis and Melissa shuffled out. It took Louis opening the door and helping him before he managed to get loose. He climbed out and braced himself on the door, and started tapping on my window.
I laughed, and pushed the button to roll it down. "Yes?"
"Thanks. You're so nice."
I chuckled. "Thanks, John. I think we covered that."
"By the way... Something... I think you really need to know." He let go of the roof to rub his neck, and swayed for a few seconds before his hand shot out to steady himself again. Both Melissa and Louis gave him a worried look, and I wondered if there was a graceful way to finish this conversation before he vomited all over me.
"Oh?"
Melissa crossed her arms, her tone sharp. "Leave Jay alone and let's go inside. It's cold and I'm tired. And so is Louis."
"Yeah, Louis." John nodded solemnly. "But... I think..." His face looked slightly green. "Oh no."
For a second I thought I was about to get puked on, but he turned very quickly and sprinted past Louis, nearly knocking him over. He only stopped once he'd reached the nearest flower bed, which he then proceeded to retch into very loudly. We all winced, and looked away. When the noise stopped, I looked back out. Louis grimaced, and stepped closer to the car.
"Thanks Jay. I'll deal with that. You can probably go now." He reached in, and gave my shoulder a quick squeeze, before turning away to join Mel in helping John.
I rolled up my window. Ellie looked up at me expectantly. "Are we going?"
"Just a sec. I just want to make sure they get inside." I nodded out my window.
"Cool. Look what Sara replied with."
I chuckled. "Tell her 'No problem, us idiots need to stick together.'"
I watched as Melissa and Louis slowly pulled John upright and began marching him up the path. They got to the front door, and after Melissa had dug in John's pockets, they managed to open it and head inside. I hoped for his sake that his parents weren't around - it wasn't exactly a good look, showing up in that state.
"What do you think John was on about?"
Ellie tapped away at her phone. "Pfft. Like you don't know."
"What?"
"Wait, seriously?" Her eyes darted up to me.
"Yeah, I have no idea. What do you know?"
"I thought... Never mind. I'm trying not to meddle, anyway."
I raised my eyebrows. "Since when?"
"Okay, it's a fairly recent resolution." She laughed. "Like, since we got in the car. Because I did tell Mel earlier that she could be your date to the Matric dance."
I sighed. "You weren't going to run that by me first?"
"I know you're still on the fence about going, so I thought I'd convince you to go and to take Mel at the same time." She grinned. "Save myself some effort."
I looked over at her, and shook my head slightly. "Okay, give it a go then."
"Fine. Well, for the former, I'll just say that I dare you to tell your mother you're not taking part in such an important life milestone."
"Fuck. Good point." She was right. My mom got weird about stuff like that. She hated to think I was missing out on something. I'd never been too worried, since I was always happy to hang out in my own little world. But if I decided not to go, there would be pressure from her. Ellie would make sure of it, if nothing else. "Continue."
"Well, I thought it could be nice to have Mel around."
"Sure." Not exactly a home run swing, but Mel was fun, and she was Louis' best friend - even if they hadn't had much chance to hang out together recently.
"You weren't planning on taking a boy, were you?"
I blinked. "To the Elohim High Matric Dance? What am I, an activist? And besides - literally who?"
"Mmm. Who, indeed."
I frowned, casting a quick glance in her direction. I wonder who she thought I'd be taking. Jamie, maybe? Did she know something I didn't? "Can you make more sense, please?"
"Not important. Anyway, Melissa. I just thought it might be nice to have the full crowd there - well, almost. I've convinced Angela and Louis to go together, and because he doesn't have anyone else, Jamie's going to bring Jess-"
"Seriously?" That seemed a bit weird. Jamie could probably have had any girl from the school as a date. Even the ones who already had partners might be tempted to upgrade, if he'd only asked. It was Jamie, after all.
"Yeah, why not? He's not seeing anyone." She shrugged. "So that just leaves Vince, and he'll probably be fine with joining us for the after party."
"Wow, you really have it all planned out."
"I do. I've even talked to my dad, and he's letting us have a whole set of rooms for free."
"Wow. That's pretty generous." Ellie's dad owned a few small hotels in the city, so he'd be the owner of whichever hotel we ended up staying at. But the crowd Ellie was gathering seemed like it'd need a lot of rooms.
"Yeah, I still have to map it out - some of the single people might have to share." She shrugged. "And Sue's organised the limos, so we're pretty much all set."
We reached a red light, and I turned to give her a searching look.
"What?" She let out a tinkle of laughter.
"It's just kind of a lot to take in, all at once." I grinned. "Not that I'm not grateful."
"Right." She nodded, and beamed. "I'm just so excited. This time last year, I didn't think I'd have this many friends to go to the dance with. You know that Sue got two limos? We possibly could have all squeezed into a stretch, but she didn't want to crowd it."
"Go Sue. Do we have to pay her back?" The light turned green, so we pulled off again.
"No, she's making her dad pay. I think they sort of want to, because I've organised the hotel rooms." She sighed happily. "It's all just going to work out, and be a magical night."
I sighed. "So I suppose I should consider myself convinced."
"Yup." She cheerfully threw herself back on the seat.
"All right. Sounds fun." I shrugged.
"Wow. Hearing you say the word fun without complaining is... eerie."
"Thanks." I laughed. "I guess I've learnt a lot this year."
"Yeah, I think you have." She nodded seriously. "I think the stuff with Eric was probably good for you, even if he was a bit of an asshole. A complete write-off of a person."
"The mess with him and Nick, too?"
"Yeah, maybe not that." She tapped her hand on her arm rest. "But at least you provided me with drama."
"I live to entertain." I grinned. "Do you think you've learned anything this year?"
"No, but then, it's hard to learn anything when you're already so perfect."
I let out a loud bark of laughter, and nodded. "True."
She actually looked a bit disappointed, and didn't immediately respond.
"What?" I asked.
"You're too earnest these days. My self-aggrandising humour feels weird now." She shook her head. "Too much time with Louis."
I grinned. "Well, maybe you need some new material."
"Maybe." She pursed her lips.
Her sulking stopped after a while, and she started talking to me about her plans for her dress. She was wearing purple and gold, from what I could gather, and Gary would wear a matching gold tie. I was a bit tired to take much of it in, or participate enthusiastically. Not that she seemed to mind much - as always, Ellie was just happy for the audience.
I dropped her off at her house, and then headed to my own bed, collapsing onto it with a happy sigh. One more exam, and then I was done. I'd go to the stupid dance - with my friends there, it could even be fun. I'd dance with Mel, watch Sue navigate a formal evening which she'd find boring, roll my eyes at Ellie every time she wanted a photo, and chat about all the ridiculousness with Louis. It actually sounded pretty great.
***
Louis walked from the glass door and into my room. His face was scrunched up, and he was shielding his eyes from the light outside. He groaned as I cheerfully slapped down my AP maths textbook on the desk with a loud thunk.
"Hey. How's your head?" I grinned broadly.
He gave me a wry smile. "I was just trying to be a good friend and support John in his drunkenness."
"And it nearly killed you."
"Pretty much." He nodded slowly, and lowered himself gently onto my couch.
"Do you want some coffee?" I asked.
He sighed. "You don't have coffee."
"I'll get some from the main house." I shrugged. "Just wait here."
"Will do. My hero."
I laughed, and headed through the laundry room and the garage, and into the main house's kitchen. It was the middle of the day on a Wednesday, so no one was home. I didn't think there was any rush, but I was happy to see Louis - even though he was barely functional - and I didn't want to make him wait for too long. I quickly made his coffee, and carefully carried the cup back to my room.
He'd spread out into a lying-down position on the couch. Faint, reflected sunlight from outside lit up his head - he'd thrown his arm over his eyes, probably to block it out. I watched him for a few seconds - the gentle way his chest moved up and down with his breath, pulling his shirt up to reveal a sliver of his flat stomach and treasure trail. It occurred after a second that I was just creepily standing there staring, so I shook myself out of it and walked over to the coffee table, setting the drink down next to him.
He pulled his arm away from his face, and smiled weakly up at me. "Thank you."
"No problem." I sat down on the edge of the couch, pressed up against his legs. "I assume you're not ready to go right this instant."
"Yeah." His voice was croaky. "Give me a few minutes, and we'll get on it."
"No rush from me. I've revised everything twice, so I'm happy to just go over whatever you want." I shrugged, and squeezed his knee. "How long are you going to be here? Are you staying over until tomorrow?"
"No. My mom is actually going to be around tonight, and she wants me to go home with her. Something about it being the last exam she'll ever get to drive me to."
"Right." Well, that was annoying. It seemed like the last time he'd have a good reason to sleep over at my place.
"Yeah, that thing she's going to is just down the street, too."
"Hopefully not at Eric's house."
He grinned. "No, the other side of the hill. Probably even closer."
"Okay. Well, I'm going to read a bit, but when you're ready, we'll get started."
"Great." He pulled himself up into a sitting position. "I didn't bring any of my stuff. I've got the question numbers I want to look at on my phone. I just need your textbook, and something to write on."
"Yeah, that's fine. I've got a spare notepad and everything."
"Ah, good. Thanks. What would I do without you?"
"Honestly?" I laughed. "Probably have a lot less stress in your life."
"Don't be ridiculous." He grabbed his cup of coffee, and took a tentative sip. "I'd have a lot less fun, and one less best friend."
Hearing that kind of made my stomach flutter. I guess we'd spent so much time together that being as close to him as John and Melissa were shouldn't have been too surprising. But it was a great feeling, anyway. Louis and Ellie were who I considered my best friends, and to hear that he felt that way too was kind of great.
I let him finish his coffee in peace, and I lay down on my bed to read. I was rereading Jekyll and Hyde, less because I liked it, and more because the moderation session had made me wonder if Angela had been right that I was more like Utterson than Jekyll. She probably was. At least I was talking to people.
Most of Jekyll's problem seemed to be that he was navigating what was happening to him alone. The 'baser urges' thing I'd thought about myself seemed a little bit dramatic. People had sex, people made mistakes. I probably had all the unwilling bible-studies sessions that school had forced on us to blame for that. It seemed the best explanation for why I thought being a little bit promiscuous was tantamount to going around beating people to death.
It was a short book, even if I'd been dragging my feet when reading it, so when Louis flopped down on the bed next to me, I was only a few pages away from the end. He'd buried his face in the pillow, and he didn't make a noise while I worked my way through the rest of it.
The book ended with a big dramatic letter from Jekyll, full of philosophical musings and anguish - honestly, it was enough to make me doubt Angela's opinion, because that was the most me-like thing I'd probably ever seen in a book. I wasn't in the same place about the Eric thing though, so I didn't take it too seriously. I set the finished book on my bedside table, and shifted to lay facing Louis.
He turned his head to look at me. "Hi."
"Hey." I grinned. "Is this you letting me know you're ready to get started, or are you giving up and having a nap."
He pulled himself up, and propped himself on his elbows. "No, I'm ready. Kind of. A nap would be nice, but I'll hold out until tonight. I'd rather get your help while I still can."
"What time do you think you'll leave?"
"I don't know. My mom likes to bail on work functions early. So probably around nine, if we're not done by then. But I'll just walk over there sooner if we finish up earlier." He flopped back down.
"You could hang around, even if we finish." I rolled over onto my stomach, like he was, and shifted closer to him, until our arms were touching. "You don't need to rush off."
He paused, and smiled at me. "Thanks, but she'll probably want an excuse to ditch the thing early, anyway. And it's probably good if I get more sleep."
"Okay." I rolled, and nudged him. "Want to get started then?"
"In a second." He groaned. "Your bed is so comfortable."
I laughed softly, and closed my eyes. I didn't really want to study any more for AP maths, anyway. Sue and I were the top scorers there, so she'd been sending me questions, sometimes because she'd needed help, and sometimes because she wanted to show off. I'd gotten slightly competitive, so I'd blown through the subject matter a lot faster than I usually would have.
It was pretty nice to relax like this, feeling Louis' warmth as the bare skin of our arms pressed together. Hearing the slow rhythm of his breath. Smelling the scent of lemongrass as it drifted off of him.
"Hey, you smell different," I said lazily. It almost sounded like a complaint. Maybe it was. I liked the way he normally smelled.
"What?" He laughed.
"You usually smell like grapefruit."
He raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, because of my bargain-bin face wash. I showered at Johns - this fancy stuff is his."
"Ah, okay." I grumbled. "I prefer the grapefruit."
"Thanks, I guess." He laughed. "I'm about to run out of it anyway, actually."
"Tragic."
"Absolutely." He chuckled, and propped himself up again. "Okay, are we going to lie around all day smelling each other, or are we going to do some maths?"
"Ugh. The first one." I buried my face in the pillow.
Louis, laughing, rolled me over, poking me in the ribs. I sat up and grinned at him and, with one last groan, I pulled myself onto my feet. We both shuffled over to my desk, and sat down. He was suddenly all business, consulting the list on his phone, opening the text book to the right question, and diving right in.
We each had a notepad, so I'd do the questions he wanted to alongside him. I'd done them before, but it was easier to explain that way, when I needed to. I made a bit of a joke about racing him, but it seemed to stress him out, so I eventually stopped mentioning it when I finished a question before him.
For a lot of it, I was just watching him as he worked. It would have bugged me if someone had done that to me, but he didn't seem to notice the attention. He had a way of fixing his eyes to the paper and biting his lip as he focused, and he'd only look up at when he'd stopped - with a happy expression if he'd finished, or an unhappy one if he'd gotten stuck. I didn't mind the relaxed pace, and I was happy to help.
"Okay, so I hit a wall with this one. What am I supposed to do here?" He pulled off his glasses, tossing them on the table, and rubbing his eyes.
"Oh god, this one's painful." I pulled the question paper closer. "You need to factorise the denominator, and then you use that thing where you guess the numerators to break it down into three fractions."
"The cover-up method?"
"If that's what it's called." I shrugged. He knew by now I didn't really bother remembering proper terminology - it wasn't really the way my brain worked. My general motto was that you could put the formula in front of me, and I could wrangle my way through it, but you should never ask me what anything was called.
"Okay, sure." He laughed. "But I did the cover-up method, and I'm still not getting the right answer. You skipped about half the steps when you did it, and I can't even read most of what's there."
"Hey!" I frowned, and pulled my answers over and checked the question. He wasn't wrong, it was a garbled mess. I'd written the answer neatly, and I was fairly sure it was right, but the rest was only just clear enough to let me follow my own thoughts. I braced my arm on top of the backrest of his chair and leaned in to look at what he'd written, to compare and see where he'd gone wrong. It took me a few seconds, but then I got it.
"Oh, here it is. When you have a repeated root you can't have two of your new fractions with that same root. One of them needs to be that root, and the other one needs to be that root squared. It's easy to miss."
"Right." His voice was soft, but I could feel his breath on my cheek.
I turned to look at him, and realised with a bit of a jolt how much I'd leaned in. He was looking right at me, and our faces were less than hand-width apart. I don't think I'd ever gotten the chance to study his features this up close. I knew his eyes were brown, but I'd never realised that they were actually a very light brown, with flecks in the iris that seemed almost gold.
This near to him, the scent of lemongrass flooded over me. It wasn't half bad. Not as good as the grapefruit, but it still kind of suited him. I suddenly got a bit self-conscious, wondering how long I'd just been quietly looking at him, when he leaned forward and kissed me.
My first reaction was shock. My thoughts were still marching through the steps of the question he'd just asked me, substituting one for A, simplifying the resultant equation and solving for B and C. If life were a comic strip, I would have had a thought bubble above my head full of equations, only to have it shatter when our lips made contact.
Then I moved on to feeling like an idiot, as my mind threw itself back in time, and I remembered little things - the way he'd nestled into me at the dive bar. The way he'd held me when I'd climbed into his bed to warm him up. The way he'd look at me sometimes - just the expression on his face. I hadn't known what it had meant. But I thought I knew now.
Then, with a bit of a jolt, I realised how much I liked to touch Louis. I'd hug him all the time. I'd put my hand on his shoulder casually. Fuck, I'd climbed into bed with him, wearing only my boxers and t-shirt. Would I have done that with anyone else? Even with the best of my friends? Even Ellie? Probably not. I didn't like it when just anyone touched me. Usually, I'd tense up, or avoid contact wherever I could. But Louis wasn't just anyone.
I'd barely had time to finish processing my feelings, and acknowledge how good the kiss was - god, it was so good - before he was pulling away, leaving me panting, disoriented. Delirious. I pulled back as well, my brain still reeling.
"I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that." His voice was strained.
I was still struggling to string a sentence together, and my hand went up to my lips involuntarily. My eyes dropped to the table - there was still a tiny fragment of my mind that was trying to solve the question he'd asked me - and then flicked back up to him.
But he was already standing up, his expression horrified. I was struggling to piece it together. Hadn't we had the same kiss? That wasn't the expression I wanted him to have. And why wasn't he still kissing me? I felt like a stuck record, lingering over the same track only to produce an unsatisfying conclusion.
"I'm just going to go. My mom's probably about ready to leave." He took a deep breath, and took another step away from me. "I'm really sorry."
I still couldn't quite figure out why, but I finally managed to get some words out. "Don't apologise."
He shook his head, and turned away from me. I was frozen where I sat, as he walked over to the glass door, wrenched it open and stepped out into the night. I wasn't sure how long I sat there before my brain kicked in again.
"Fuck." I leapt to my feet, and practically sprinted out the glass door, down the path and through the gate.
I stumbled out onto the street. Shit. I didn't know where his mom's party was, and I wasn't entirely sure how long it had been since he'd left. His kiss still had me feeling pretty disoriented. I looked in both directions, but saw no sign of him, so I jogged to the right - the forking of the road was closer there - and looked down both ways. Nothing.
Then I remembered what he'd said about it being the other side of the hill from Eric's house, and I ran back over to the fork at the left. Also nothing. I could have wandered around looking for houses that seemed like they were having a party, but that was unlikely to help. It was already too late.
Louis was gone.
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