"Well..." Ellie looked like some sort of mystic oracle, shrouded in the plume of steam that was rising from her coffee. The look she was giving me was far from mystical, though. She was clearly exasperated. "Do you want me to be honest or do you want me to be helpful?"
I sighed. "Can't you just be both?"
"Not at the same time, this early in the morning." She took a sip from her cup and closed her eyes. "You'll have to choose."
"Okay, fine. Honesty first."
"Excellent choice." She set her cup down, and fixed me with a serious look. "You are an entire idiot."
"I know." I groaned and put my hands over my face.
"Seriously, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You had 'no idea'?" She sighed dramatically. "Everyone knew, Jay. Everyone."
"You're exaggerating." I looked up at her.
"Sue asked me to confirm that the two of you weren't, in fact, dating. Because she didn't believe you. According to her, you two 'act like a couple' already." Ellie snickered.
"Oh god."
"Seriously though, I honestly thought you guys were... you know..." She shrugged. "Doing stuff. For weeks now, even. A couple of months, almost. Since moderation, you've been hanging off each other, and cuddling up together, and giving each other these goofy smiles." She shook her head. "And now I'm wondering what the hell's been going on. Like, fine, if you didn't notice Louis was into you - that could make sense. We're all bad at that, sometimes. But really, Jay - the only time I've seen you that willing to touch someone or be touched by them was with Eric. You didn't notice that? About yourself?"
"It snuck up on me, okay?" I bit my lip.
"I feel so much better about this exam now. Because if someone so dense can always do so well, I probably have a chance."
"Yeah... Do you want my notes?"
"In a second. I haven't been helpful yet."
"Oh, you noticed."
"Don't get snarky. You still need my help, right?"
I sighed. "Yeah. I don't really know what to do now."
"Have you tried talking to him?"
"I messaged him last night."
"Did he reply?"
"Yeah, but... he kind of shut things down. Here." I pulled out my phone and showed her the text.
"Well, well, well. Isn't he diplomatic?" She arched an eyebrow.
"Why does he keep apologising? Shouldn't he find out how I feel about it first?"
She shrugged, and handed back my phone. "Maybe he's an idiot too."
"Is this the only help you're going to offer?"
"I don't know what you want from me here. Talk to him. Kiss him again if you want to."
"I do, but..."
"But what?"
I sighed and felt a sinking feeling in my chest, as I figured out how to say what I was really worried about. "What if he keeps apologising because he thinks it was a mistake? Like, maybe it's not about it being a bad thing for me. Maybe he thinks I'm a bad choice. For him. And that he should stay away from me."
Ellie rolled her eyes. "Well, if he does, then he really is an idiot. He'd be lucky to have you. You're cute, and when you're not making mean jokes, you can be kind of nice. And you two obviously get along. If it's not you, then I don't know what he could possibly want."
"Thanks, but... It's Louis, you know? Aside from you, he's my best friend."
"Nawww, thanks." She clutched her hand to her chest.
I smiled, but carried on. "So if he thinks I'm... gross, or something. I don't know. I'm going to be pretty upset."
"Why would he think you're gross?"
"Because." I crossed my arms, and threw myself back on my chair. "The stuff I got into with Eric and Nick. And the whole thing Jamie, too. He knows about all of that. I haven't even been having sex for a whole year, and I've clocked up a body count of three guys, and..."
"Ugh. Can you stop feeling guilty about that? I cannot even tell you how boring I find that sort of thing." She drained the rest of her coffee, and set down her mug with a firm clunk. "Do you even know how many guys Louis has been with?"
"No, but I-"
"So why do you care about it?" She exhaled sharply.
"It's just... every time Jamie or Eric comes up, he kind of... I don't know, he seems awkward about it."
"Yeah, because maybe it bugs him that someone else got to have you."
"Well, then how much does it bug him? Was it an issue because he didn't think he could have me, or has the fact that I've been with them... ruined things?"
"I highly doubt it's the latter. But you know what's a great way of finding out?" She leaned in conspiratorially. I sighed, but humoured her anyway and leaned in too. She grinned, and then reached forward and lightly slapped the side of my head. "Ask him, you absolute imbecile."
I jumped back, grinning ruefully. "Fine."
It didn't seem that easy though, but I doubted she was going to offer up any more than that. What exactly was I supposed to say? 'Hey, Louis, is it kind of off-putting that I've fucked your friend, his annoying now-ex, and had a friends-with-benefits relationship going with a confused guy?' I couldn't ask him that. Not when I didn't think I could bear it if the answer was yes.
"Now, get me your notes, and get ready. We've only got like an hour until we have to leave."
"I am ready." I frowned, and looked down at my clothes. They were clean, and it wasn't like I was wearing pyjamas.
She looked me over and sighed. "You're ready for an exam. But we're going for lunch with everyone afterwards, and then we're going to hang out at Sara's all day. You really think that this." She gestured up and down at me. "Is what you're bringing to that? I won't allow it."
"Shit." She was actually right. If I had to talk to Louis, I couldn't do it looking like this. The school had let us write finals out of uniform, so I'd just been picking clothes that were comfortable, and that I could throw on quickly. I don't know if Louis had ever cared about that sort of thing, but I was suddenly nervous.
"Correct." Ellie smirked. "Go hop in the shower again for a few seconds. I'll pick out some things for you to wear, and then we'll sort out your hair - but I need you to wet it."
Once I got out of the shower, she put me in something casual enough that I wouldn't specifically look like I'd dressed up for an exam but, according to her, still made me look 'dreamy.' I didn't complain, because the t-shirt and jeans combo was still comfortable enough to write an exam in, and they'd be warm enough for when we were on the beach afterwards.
She artfully arranged my hair, did her cologne spraying trick, and I sat drying while she went through my notes and asked me questions. It was almost a relief to have her drag my mind back to the final. By the time we'd left, and finished the drive over to the school - during which she'd kept asking me questions - I'd almost completely forgotten about Louis.
It helped that, due to the way the tables were arranged, he sat somewhere behind me, far to my right. I was in the second row, so the only person directly in front of me was Caitlyn. Without turning - which you didn't want to do, in case someone thought you were cheating - I could only see a handful of people. I saw Louis come in, but it was close enough to the start of the test that I didn't get a chance to catch his eye and try to figure out how he was feeling.
Then we got going, and it was pretty easy to tune everything else out. For a while, at least. I finished early, and checked my answers. It all looked good, but I didn't want to leave too quickly. No one else was done anyway, but I also usually liked to double and triple check my paper. I was just taking a quick break between checks, because I could usually catch mistakes I'd been missing if I did.
I tried to look around, and distract myself from thinking about Louis too much. There wasn't a whole lot I could look at, anyway. Caitlyn was clearly also done - aside from Sue and me, she'd always been pretty strong at the subject, so it made sense that she'd also be finished earlier. Sue was probably already done, but she'd never leave a test early - she'd just repeat her checks, over and over, until the examiner kicked her out.
Angela, like me, would only ever do about two or three checks and then leave. So it wasn't surprising when she walked into my field of view, set her paper down in the cardboard box at the front desk, and serenely glided out of the hall. Caitlyn's head snapped up to watch her - probably not the only person, since the people who left early always freaked the others out a bit.
Caitlyn started rifling through her paper very quickly then, and soon she was getting up too, tossing it in the box, and marching off in the same direction as Angela. It was her trademark competitive spirit, I guess. I was going to take my time and check carefully, but now that I knew Angela was waiting outside, and I had someone to talk to while I waited for Ellie and Louis, I was more willing to finish up.
It didn't take me long, and I was satisfied that if I'd made a mistake, it was probably too well hidden for me to find. I didn't look up on my way out - I assumed Sue would be giving me a death-glare for leaving early, and Louis... Well, I wasn't sure if he'd even look at me yet. But you also didn't want the examiner to think you were trying to communicate, so I had other reasons to just get out quickly.
I didn't immediately find Angela on my way out, which was slightly weird, but I assumed she was in the bathroom or something. So I did a circuit of the main school building, because I had nothing else to do, and by the time I got back around where I'd started, she was waiting there, a slightly gloomy look on her face.
"Hey. Did it go okay?" I hope she hadn't left early because she was giving up.
"Hi." She shook her head, and I wondered if I'd just imagined her expression. "Oh, yes. It went well, I think. You?"
I shrugged, and grinned. "Ah, yeah, all good. Think I got everything."
She nodded. "Well, in that case, can I ask what you got for question eleven? The matrix one. I think it tripped me up a bit."
"Sure."
I tried my best to recall what I'd given as my answer, and she'd seemed satisfied with the bits of it I could piece together. She pulled out a book and I aimlessly played on my phone, while we waited for everyone else to finish. Ellie was out next, and came to sit down next to us. Weirdly, instead of starting to chat - she wasn't the fan of silence that Angela and I were - she started to text me.
I sighed. Louis had that weird hangup about me and Jamie, and the guy actually being around probably wouldn't be helpful. But Ellie had been right, earlier that morning - the two of us just really needed to talk. It just didn't seem like we'd be having any luck. Jamie and Louis both stayed until the end of the session, and came out chatting to each other, which felt like the last thing on earth I needed.
***
From school, we drove to Sarah's house to join the rest of the group, and from there we walked to the restaurant. Ellie managed to grab Louis and keep him walking with her, so that seemed like a good sign, but I realised - as I got stuck in dull conversation about soccer with John, Jamie and Vince - that it could have been a better time for me to have talked to Louis instead.
Once we sat down at the restaurant, Ellie nudged my leg and gave me a subtle thumbs-up. I hoped that she had managed to tell him about Sara inviting Jamie without making it seem like a big deal. But Louis was being awkward around me anyway - not making eye-contact, and not directly talking to me. It didn't feel great. And it didn't help that Jamie was also staring at me a lot when he thought I wasn't looking.
At least we were still all fairly cheered up by the fact that we were done with exams now, and lunch was so raucous and noisy that I don't think anyone even noticed that Louis and I weren't interacting very naturally with each other. It was almost enough to make me forget about how I felt - trading light-hearted sarcastic barbs with Mel, chatting about movies and holiday plans with John and Gary, laughing along with everyone else at Vince's antics, and having some meaningful conversation about future plans with Angela.
By the time we got back to Sara's house, I'd only just gotten nervous about being around Louis again. In theory, I could talk to him easily now. Jamie hadn't come back with us - he'd had other people to hang out with, after lunch. And there was enough space for the group to spread out, so Louis and I could wind up alone together. In theory, anyway.
I still wasn't entirely sure what I was going to say to him, so I didn't really try to seek him out. It seemed like he wasn't too eager to immediately be alone with me again either, and he spent most of the time chatting with John and Vince.
Angela and I ended up sitting together as the sun started to set, and the fire that John and Gary had lit got going. Sue hadn't come with us after lunch, either - she hated the beach, and wanted to go see her boyfriend, who she hadn't even talked to since exams had started. So outside of Ellie and Louis, and Sara to a lesser extent, Angela didn't really know anyone here.
I was happy to sit and talk with her. Not only did it help me put off the Louis thing, but Angela was a calming influence, a lot like he was, and I kind of needed that. She looked so relaxed now that exams were over. She'd let her brown hair loose, and her glasses were packed away somewhere safely in her bag.
I'd met her parents once, and they were kind of hippies, insofar as that was still a thing - her dad had long hair and a beard, and her mom was almost always barefoot. It seemed genetic now, with her twisting her toes in the sand and smiling softly at me, her blue eyes calm as a lake.
"So, are you planning anything for the holidays?" I asked her.
"Just some quiet time with family. I won't be eighteen until the beginning of next year, so I won't be going up to Ballito." She shrugged. "Not that I'd want to."
"Yeah, I'm not so sure about it myself." Ballito was a town a few hours up the coast where most high school students migrated to for the summer break after their last year, and a whole industry - pop-up clubs, concerts, and lots of accommodation - had sprung up around it in the last decade or so. Ellie was still trying to convince me, but it didn't really sound like my thing.
"Well, I'm sure if most of the people here go, you'll have fun." She leaned back in her chair and surveyed the group. "You know, I think this is the most social I've been since I transferred to Elohim."
"Same." I nodded. "Is it weird that we've been working on school work together for so long, but we've only just become friends this year?"
She pursed her lips thoughtfully and then, after a short while, shook her head. "I think it's unfortunate, more than anything. It's been great getting to know you a bit better this year."
"You too."
"Thanks. But, no, I don't actually think it's unusual - at all - that we struggled to make friends. Even with each other. I think we were both working through some things, and everything seemed so new." She scrunched up her face. "And when we met, we were both at that age where any girl and boy who show the slightest interest in spending time together are assumed to be dating. Or pressured to start."
I laughed, and rubbed the back of my neck. As it was, some of the guys I'd hung out with over the years were always assuming I was dating either Angela or Sue. And that was just because I'd do homework or group projects with them sometimes. It would have been much worse if we'd ever hung out socially. "Yeah, that wouldn't really have worked out."
"No." She chuckled, and relaxed back into her seat. "So, no, I don't think this could have gone another way, really. But I'm pleased we're close now, at least, and I hope we stay in touch. And I'm grateful you trusted me enough to come out to me."
I smiled, nodded, and didn't say anything. After a brief period of silence, she looked at me thoughtfully.
"I've been thinking about this a fair amount, actually." She leaned forward, and brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "About these friendships, and other things. There's a lot of wasted time behind us, and after tomorrow - school is over. We're all moving on."
"So does that mean there's no point trying?" My eyes wandered over to Louis, and then snapped back to her when I realised where I was looking.
She gave me a knowing smile. "No. The opposite, in fact. The time's already been wasted, and we can't get that back. But finals are over - we don't have to worry about anything until university starts. And the clock is now ticking. It's time to get the things you really want. Hang out with the people you want to hang out with, do the things you want to do. Love the people you want to love."
She gave me a pointed look, and I laughed and looked back at Louis. "But what if what I want is bad? Not for me, but for other people."
"Well, then surely they get to decide what's good for them and what's not. Don't they?"
"I guess."
"I'm assuming I no longer need to be coy about that, given that you won't stop staring at him."
I laughed, and shook my head. "You know too much."
"It's hardly a well-kept secret." She grinned. "But honestly, I think you and Louis both need to be a bit more honest with each other, and with yourselves."
"I'll bear that in mind."
"Please do. I can't go around fixing everyone's problems. I've got enough of my own."
"Oh really?"
"Nothing I want to talk about." She laughed, and leaned back in her chair. Her tone was calm and confident, but she was blushing slightly.
"Fine, fine." I shrugged. "But it's not like you don't know all of my business."
"Well, I don't broadcast mine for anyone with eyes to see."
"Ouch."
She smiled, shrugged, and took another sip of her drink. I chuckled softly, and we lapsed back into a comfortable silence. For me, it was a fairly thoughtful one. The thing about letting Louis decide if I was a bad choice was hard to come to terms with. Because what if he thought I was? At least if I was the one that made that call, that he deserved better - and I really believed he did - it wouldn't break my heart in quite the same way.
Maybe Ellie was right, too. And that the two of us really needed to talk. But how was I supposed to do that? My throat clammed up at the idea of even starting to broach the topic. Looking back on what I'd done this year, I couldn't imagine why he'd be okay with that, when the prize was me.
Ellie came and sat down next to Angela, and the two of them started chatting about their dresses. Ellie pulled out her phone, and they started scrolling through pictures. "It's a lace-up corset, so it's going to take me ages to get into, but you should see how it looks on me. I've mostly sewn it myself, but my mom's done some of the more complicated stuff, so it looks great."
"It's absolutely lovely." Angela said, "I'm sure you'll look amazing."
"Thanks." Ellie beamed.
I dragged myself out of my chair. "I'm going to the bathroom."
"Did I scare you away with all this girly talk?" Ellie raised her eyebrows, and dramatically jabbed her phone in my direction.
"No." I laughed, dodging out of the way.
"I hope you and Melissa are ready to match tomorrow."
"Yep. She gave me the tie earlier. It's in my car." I shrugged. "Don't worry, I won't ruin your 'special evening.'"
"Good." Ellie grinned, and I walked around her chair and headed to the bathroom.
Sara's parents were home and probably sleeping, so to prevent them getting annoyed with us, she was keeping us out and making us use the semi-outdoor bathroom. It was almost around the back of the building, and the way to it was an incredibly narrow alleyway between the main house and the garage, where you had to step over a gutter to get out.
Very impractical, but you could just about squeeze through. Going in, I was completely alone, but on my way out, I saw that suddenly I wasn't. Louis was coming up the pathway towards me. He saw me and stopped, realising the issue. There wasn't really enough space for us to get past each other.
"Sorry, I'll go back," he said.
"No, it's okay. Here." I stepped up on the drain next to him, pushing myself against the wall so he could squeeze past me.
I realised it was a mistake as soon as I did it. He ended up pressing right against me on his way. The smell of his grapefruit face wash and the slight hint of the beer on his breath flooded my nostrils, and I almost groaned in frustration at the position I'd put myself in. Once he was past, I climbed back down, and turned to face him. He let out a deep breath.
"Okay." He laughed nervously. "Thanks."
He turned around and marched down the alleyway without looking back at me, and then opened the door and went in. I stood there for a second, trying to get the smell of him out of my head. Up until then, I had actually thought I was dealing with it better. But clearly, I wasn't.
I needed to talk to him. But how? I couldn't follow him to the bathroom, and it wasn't as if the others were going anywhere any time soon. He wasn't exactly angling to sit alone with me. I took a deep breath, and made my way back to the beach.
"You okay?" Ellie asked me as I came to sit back down next to her.
"Great, I see we're back to that question."
"Okay, fine, be grumpy." She grinned. "I'm having the best day. AP maths is over, I get to wear the dress I've been slaving over for months."
"Instead of preparing for finals-"
"While preparing for finals." She gave me a dark look.
"Sorry, sorry. It is impressive that you've sewn your own dress, and I'm sure you'll look beautiful..." I was distracted - Louis had emerged from the alleyway, and headed over to talk to Melissa.
"Thank you." She dipped her head, but carried on frowning at me. "Better than what you've been doing alongside finals. Falling in love with a guy and not even realising it."
"Not so loud!" I shot a worried glance over at Louis, but he didn't seem to have heard us. "And ouch. Was that really necessary?"
"Probably not." She chuckled. "Sorry. I know it's still not... yeah. Have you talked to him yet?"
"No. When would I have?" I sighed, and slouched in my seat. "He avoided me around the exam, and we've been around you guys all the time since then. The closest thing I've had to a conversation to him was a few seconds ago. We brushed together while I was leaving the bathroom, and he was headed towards it."
"Oh my!" Ellie put her hand to her mouth.
"Relax. It was hardly a magical moment." I scrunched up my face, and groaned. "Although, yeah, that didn't exactly help."
She chuckled, and put her hand on my shoulder. "Sorry. So you can't get him alone, huh?"
"No, I-" I frowned. "Wait, what are you planning?"
"Me? A plan?" She got up, her eyes sparkling mischievously. "What a crazy idea. Don't get in the water. I'll be right back."
"Don't get in-" It was too late, she was already gone.
I had no idea what she meant by that. There probably wasn't a point in trying to find out. And, honestly, the thought that Ellie had some magical solution to the Louis problem was kind of encouraging. I grabbed my drink, and watched as he headed towards where most of the group was gathering. I realised that if I didn't join them, I'd be the only one left behind, so I got up to make my way over.
Vince cheered when he saw me. "Awesome. Jay, we're all heading to the water. You coming?"
"Uh..." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ellie was straining to catch my eye. When I turned to face her, she widened her eyes and set her lips in a flat line. I blinked. "No thanks, it seems a bit cold."
Vince shrugged. "Too bad. Louis?"
"Uh, I actually have to leave you guys now. My mom's in the area, and she wants to pick me up tonight so she can help me get ready for the dance tomorrow."
"Ah, okay, that sucks man." Vince nodded. "We'll see you tomorrow then."
"You coming?" Louis asked him.
"Not to the thing." Vince smiled. "But I'm totally crashing the after party."
"Awesome." Louis grinned. "Well, goodbye everyone."
He started hugging everyone goodbye. After Ellie let him go, she wandered over to Sara with a panicked expression on her face. Sara flinched, and I saw her mouth the word 'Ow' at Ellie, and the two of them leaned in to confer in whispers. I looked away as Louis stepped up to hug me goodbye, trying to not draw attention to them, but whatever they'd discussed had clearly been settled.
"Jay." Sara shouted, stepping up to us. "The gate gets stuck sometimes, so won't you go let Louis out, and make sure it closes? Since the rest of us are all going out into the water." She dangled the remote for it in front of me.
"Uh, sure." I grabbed it, turned to Louis, and shrugged.
Louis frowned. "Is that really-"
"Come on, everyone!" John shouted, and - like some weird hive-mind - the whole group bolted away from the two of us, leaving us standing there, staring after them.
Louis turned to me, a vaguely amused smile on his face. "Is this... some kind of set-up?"
"It might be." I grimaced. "Sorry."
"No, it's okay." He chuckled. "Ellie, I guess."
"Yeah." I bit my lip.
"Well, come on then." He gestured at the path to the gate. "You should let me out."
I nodded, and we both started walking. I had no idea how to begin talking to him about... anything. But he seemed equally quiet, and I wondered what he was thinking. By the time we got to the gate, the tense silence was obvious to both of us, and we both let out a bit of nervous laughter.
"So, um..." I scratched my chin. I was dying to ask him why he'd kissed me. Or how he felt about me. Or anything that could end up with us kissing again. But I had no idea how to even start that conversation, so I chickened out. "How long until your mom gets here?"
"I'm not actually sure. It could be like fifteen minutes."
"You could have gone in the water with them." Why hadn't he? I felt like I was second guessing everything. I'd already said I wasn't going in, but if he'd gone out on his own to wait by the gate... Maybe he wanted me to follow him, in that case. I couldn't figure it out.
He shrugged. "I would have needed to leave my phone behind. And she could be here in about five, maybe."
"Oh." Maybe it wasn't even about me at all, and I was overthinking things. I glanced at his face, but he was looking away from me. Five minutes seemed like an eternity, if we were going to pass them like this. "We'll probably need something to talk about, then."
"I actually have a good topic, but you'd have to do that talking."
"Yeah?" My breath caught in my throat. I supposed we had to talk about it eventually, but I still had no idea what to say.
He nodded. "Lord of the Rings. You could talk about that for hours."
"Right." I suppressed a sigh of relief, but I still grinned. I could talk about that, at least. We always did. "I actually have a pretty good new one."
"Hit me." He turned to look at me.
I smirked. "Fine. Sauron's the good guy."
"What?" He laughed.
"Sauron is a champion for the downtrodden. Orcs, trolls and goblins - and whatever else - flock to his banner, and he doesn't say no to anyone. They all share one pretty noble goal: To dismantle the racist status quo held in place by elves and men."
He chuckled. "You're so full of shit."
I leaned in. "No, seriously. The orcs - and all the other nasty looking things in middle earth - are peoples in crisis. They're basically hunted down by humans, and regarded more as pests that have to be eliminated than sentient beings. Why wouldn't they flock to Sauron, if he promises to save them from persecution and elimination? He's an effective leader, and he provides for his troops."
"Yeah, human flesh." He gave me a sceptical grin.
"Well, necessity can do that to an army." I shrugged. "Plus, Vegans pretty much think we're monsters for eating meat. Are you saying we're bad as orcs, because we're accustomed to a certain foodstuff and eat it when it's convenient? And some people in history have also resorted to cannibalism in dire situations, so there's also that."
"Okay, but Orcs are inherently evil."
"Yeah, and who tells us that? Elves and Men. Maybe Gandalf, I can't remember. The point is, of course the people who benefit from the unjust system are brimming with propaganda designed to uphold it. Hell, maybe they even believe it. It's not as if there's much of a call for academic studies into other cultures in Middle Earth, especially those who are already mostly deemed 'other'. Orcish society is probably just as much a result of their history and biology as that of any other race, but no one ever talks about that."
"Fair enough. Orcs aren't ALL bad, but I still think Sauron is."
"Well, that's a different discussion, so I'll bore you with that later."
"You could never bore me." He smiled softly. "Not when you're so wrong."
"Your rebuttals weren't exactly that good." I shrugged, laughing softly. I put my hands in my pockets, and dropped my gaze to the floor.
"Yeah, well." He sighed deeply. "I'm distracted."
I looked up at him. We were standing very close. I guess I'd edged nearer than I thought while I was on my rant about Middle Earth equality. He was starkly lit by the streetlight which filtered through the gate and onto his face - bars of brightness against stripes of darkness. His head was turned slightly away from me, at first, but then he noticed me staring at him and our gazes locked.
It had always felt like Louis' eyes could stare right into my soul. How had I not known what that had meant? It felt so obvious now. I couldn't help myself. I didn't even know if he wanted to kiss me again, but I was already lost in his gaze. It didn't even feel like my hand that grabbed his arm and pulled him closer to me, or my neck that pushed my face towards his.
My lips felt like mine though. More mine than anything else in the world, when the fire and electricity of our contact rocketed through them into the rest of my body. I felt as if I was humming as our tongues connected, twisting past each other, sending tingles through me with every motion. As our bodies fit together - so perfectly, like they were made for each other.
I never wanted it to end. I knew the world wasn't a fair place when I was kissing Louis, because if it was, I'd have already been kissing him all the time. We were absolutely synchronised, and complementary. It felt exciting and unpredictable, but at the same time it was like coming home.
The smell of him surrounded me - the scent of his face wash mingled with the clean, fresh smell of his clothes, the light scent of his sweat, and the hints of smoke that had clung to him from the bonfire. I lost myself in the way his mouth tasted. Fresh, with just a hint of the beer he'd been drinking. And his face was cold from the wind, but I could feel him warming up as we kissed. All my senses rang with him, and it was otherworldly. I never wanted it to end, but it did. Far too soon.
He was pulling away, gasping, fixing me with that anguished look of his that made me regret... everything. Not only the stuff with Eric, and Nick. And Jamie. Every bad feeling that I could ever have caused Louis. Any second of pain, or disappointment, or annoyance that he'd ever felt while knowing me. Things I knew about, and the ones I didn't. It didn't seem fair that I could have brought any of that down on him. I almost couldn't face him, but I had no choice to listen to him as he started breathlessly spilling out words.
"Can you just... Just tell me that you don't want me? That you can't see me as anything other than a friend. That if we did things together, it would mean nothing to you, like it did with Jamie." He panted. "Tell me that, and I'll never kiss you again."
I looked up to him, and locked my gaze to his. "I can't."
He looked away sharply, and it almost felt like something was tearing in me. I still couldn't figure out why he was acting like this. We'd had the same kiss, after all. The only thing I could think of was that my worst fears were true. That maybe, even though he didn't care - as my friend - about how many guys I'd been with, and how many messy situations I'd gotten into, he probably didn't want to be with someone who was so easy.
"What do you want, Jay?" His voice was almost a whisper.
I want you to be happy. I just don't think you could be. Not with me. But I couldn't say that. It hurt too much to even think it. If Louis didn't want me, I'd probably understand. But hearing him say that I was a bad decision could actually break me. I wanted us to keep kissing. I wanted to be a better choice for him, but I didn't think I could be. "I... don't know."
"Don't you think you should figure it out?" His tone sounded almost... scared. As if he were the one who could be seriously hurt by me, instead of the other way around. I didn't know what to make of it.
"I... Louis, I-" At that moment, my phone started ringing. I didn't move. I couldn't, until he broke the spell.
"Who is it?" he asked softly.
I snapped out of my stupor, dug my hand in my pocket, and pulled it out. The name on my screen wasn't helpful in bringing me to any kind of sense though. Because it felt fucking surreal. It was Eric. I looked up at Louis - from the look on his face, he'd clearly seen who it was. He nodded.
"You should find out what he wants." He shrugged. The sound of an engine rang out from beyond the gate, and we both looked up to see his mom's car. He smiled sadly. "You should find out what you want, too."
He quickly took the remote from my hand, and pressed the button. The gate started rolling open, and he leaned in to give me a gentle hug. Then he stepped back, turned around, and was heading towards her car. She waved at me, and I mechanically waved back, plastering a fake smile on my face as my phone kept ringing.
They drove off, and I stood there until my phone went quiet. I stared at the missed call notification in a growing rage. Why now? Why tonight, and why at that precise moment? Eric had already done so much damage, and now this. The part that hurt, though, was that it wasn't as much his fault as it was mine. If I could have just talked to Louis, then maybe he wouldn't have had to leave while looking at me like that.
Either way, I wasn't exactly in the mood for a relaxed beach party. I ran back to the chairs, left the remote behind, texted Ellie, and hopped in my car to head home. No way I could go back to them like that. All I wanted to do was to flop down on my bed, scream into my pillow, and wish for a time machine. So I could go back and fix what had become a very fucked up year.
Not that Eric was making that easy. I got six more phone calls on the way home - only one of which was Ellie, trying to make sure I was okay. But after I'd talked to her, with three busy signals popping up in that very short call, there were still seven more until my stupid phone finally went silent.
Of all the nights - of all the situations - to pelt me with phone calls, why tonight? A reasonable part of my brain tried to tell me that it made sense. One way or another, he could have figured out that my final exam was today, and assumed I was free. But I wasn't in the mood for logic, and a stupid clicking noise at my window was distracting and annoying me.
I glared up at it, and frowned. I wasn't actually sure what it was. It seemed very irregular - not mechanical at all. There were also no trees by that window, so it's not as if the wind could have been blowing branches against it, either. I stepped over to it slowly, and pulled back the curtain, looking out onto the street.
Eric was standing there, a handful of pebbles, one of which he threw at my window before it rebounded with a tiny click. I glared at him as he let the rest tumble into the garden bed and gave me a shy grin. I nodded in the direction of the gate, and let the curtain drop back into place.
Gritting my teeth, I stormed across the garden path to the gate. Which was where I found him waiting, stuck on the other side. I crossed my arms. "What?"
"Hello to you, too."
"I'm not in the mood, Eric."
"Oh, shit. Sorry. Did the exam-"
"The exam went fine," I practically growled. "Everything's fine, except for you. What are you doing here?"
"Right." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm here to apologise."
"Oh, really?"
"Uh, yeah." He shrugged. "Sorry."
I tried very hard to not roll my eyes. "What are you apologising for, then?"
"I... don't know." He scraped his foot along the ground. "For the whole thing with Nick, I guess."
"Right." I nodded. "Is Louis not talking to you?"
"Uh, no, not at the moment." He frowned. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"You're a lot better at apologising when he's there to tell you how you fucked up."
He groaned. "Jay, I really am sorry, okay? For everything I've done wrong. Can't you just tell me what it is that's bugging you, and then I can apologise for that?"
I laughed bitterly. The way he tensed at the sound made me think he knew how I felt, but maybe he still thought there was a way forward. I nodded. "Fine. Well, there's telling me you loved me when you still had a boyfriend."
"Fine. I'm sorry for that."
"And getting a new boyfriend, when you still had feelings for me, instead of just waiting for me to feel ready."
"I'm sorry for that too."
"Then, of course, there's also that thing where you slept with your ex-girlfriend at church camp and didn't tell me about it." I held up my finger. "Sorry, before being a dick to me, horrifically breaking up with me in a public place, and then trying to get back together with me while still hiding it."
The way his face fell made me feel a grim satisfaction, but I really was too tired. I couldn't feel happy about that. All I felt was pissed off again - at being lied to, and manipulated. At the fact that his very existence was ruining my chances with the one guy I might be happy with. I broke the silence that he seemed unwilling to, or unable.
I shook my head. "Get the fuck out of my life, Eric. Preferably forever."
I stormed back down the garden path and into my room, then I threw myself down onto my bed. He could stand at that gate all night, for all I cared. It was locked. For him, it always would be.
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