Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2012 15:06:03 +0800
From: Ben Ng <ng.ben9@gmail.com>
Subject: Rick's Diary Epilogue - One More Thing

Epilogue: One More Thing...

Ben and I are together, and we couldn't be happier. It's
everything we wanted. After the three-day getaway in the
cabin, we decided to go on a road trip. We wanted to see the
country, before we both become too busy with work. We were
young, and we wanted to be crazy and wild, for one last time.
Ben was excited; he wanted to show me where he grew up.

"We'll drop by my home, and I'll show you around!" He
exclaimed. "I'll show you the barn, where the farm hands used
to jerk off together and I used to spy on them as a kid. And
I'll show you..."

Suddenly his tone changed. He stared into the empty space in
front of him, and he was lost in thought. "Ben, are you all
right?"

He didn't seem to hear me. He was mumbling to himself. "And
I'll show you... the water hole, where I first..."

I've known him well enough to know that he only ever become
this way when he thought of Jimmy, his first love. Although he
had a major breakthrough, Jimmy was not forgotten. Once in a
blue moon Ben would be sulking near the window, looking out
all night long, as if waiting for his return. He wouldn't talk
to me about it, and whenever I caught him daydreaming he would
snap back and pretend nothing happened, but I knew better.

"Jimmy?" I asked tentatively, but I already knew the answer.

He sighed. "Yes. That's our secret place. That's where we
messed around, and where I first..."

"Ben, we don't have to talk about it. We don't have to go. I'm
happy with you, wherever I am."

He shook his head. "No, it's time to face it. I've been
running away long enough." There was resolve in his voice. I
suddenly panicked. Are we opening up Pandora's Box? May be I
was as much a coward as I accused him to be. I thought we were
over this, but clearly there was still unfinished business.

He took a deep breath and continued. "Rick, after we
graduated, I went into another depression." He has never
talked about the year after graduation. I didn't see him for
that entire year and he didn't answer my calls. I only learned
about it briefly from Josh, but Ben never wanted to talk about
it. I still remember he said he went to hell and back.

"I realized I couldn't be happy without you, but I was so
afraid of what might happen if we get back together." There
was a look of horror on his face. I thought about the outburst
that almost took his life.

"I was trapped. I couldn't be happy without you, and I
couldn't be happy with you, if I was still obsessed with
Jimmy." He seemed to be in another world, and his face was
contorted with pain.

"I thought about killing myself again. This time you wouldn't
be there to save me. I just thought... that I had no way out."

"Ben, it's over now. Please..." I was begging him to leave that
painful place. We had been so happy since we got back
together. Why revisit hell?

"No, Rick, let me finish." His eyes were wet, but he sounded
surer than he has ever been. "You told me not to run away,
right? I'll tell you everything."

I knew it was inevitable. Yes, I told him not to run away, but
I was so afraid that this will break us apart like last time.
I would not let anything get between us again, but I also knew
he had to face it, once and for all.

"That night I decided to kill myself. I couldn't bear living
with the memory of Jimmy, and living in a world without you."
He looked at me with such sorrow that I couldn't help but
hugged him. We parted and he gently pushed me away.

"Somehow Josh found me. He decided to look for me that
particular night. I hadn't seen him for weeks and he just
thought he'd pay me a visit." He forced a smile. "If it
weren't for him, I wouldn't be here today."

I suddenly felt a sense of gratitude to Josh as never before.
Not only did he bring us together, he saved Ben's life! Even
though I knew Ben was fine, I couldn't help but felt so
nervous! My hands were sweating and my heart was beating so
quickly! I was so close to losing him! Why didn't I visit him?
Why did I just give up?

"Josh... saved my life. We had a long talk. I told him
everything. He insisted that I go to counseling. He
practically dragged me there. He even sat in with me. I was so
depressed I couldn't bear to tell the story again to a
stranger. Josh told it for me. He went with me a couple of
times until the therapist said he could see me alone."

All this time, I haven't heard any of this. Why did Ben keep
it from me until now? He sighed deeply. "My therapist said
pretty much what you said, Rick, that I was idealizing Jimmy,
and it's time to put it behind. It's time to let go and start
living."

"He helped me process the whole thing, and I can tell you... it
was hell. I couldn't sleep, I felt guilty, lonely and
depressed, but Josh was with me all along. He suggested
calling you, but I refused. I couldn't face you... yet, not
until I'm done with Jimmy."

I nodded. I understood all too well. "The therapist also
realized I was using sex as a coping strategy, and he
suggested that I stop all the sex. It was difficult, but Josh
was so supportive. He was a real friend."

"We broke up, so to speak, and we didn't have sex at all while
I was in therapy. But he stayed by my side all this time." Ben
recounted slowly. "One year of intensive therapy... the
therapist said if I could let go of Jimmy I could date and
have sex again, but like a normal person, not as a sex
addict."

"How the hell can you survive one year without sex?" I asked
incredulously. This guy couldn't live one day without getting
off!

He laughed. "I have no idea! I thought it was a miracle. I did
jerk off, but that's it. No girls, no guys either. It gave me
a lot of time and space to think things through. But I
couldn't do it without Josh. He stayed with me almost 24/7. He
was so afraid that I'd commit suicide."

"Wow!" I had more respect for Josh as every second passed.

"I was also on antidepressants, if you were wondering." He
smiled sheepishly. "It did help a little."

"I didn't realize it was so bad..."

"Anyway, when it was almost a year, I was finally able to
admit that Jimmy left and would probably never come back. I
was able to accept it as it was."

"That's great."

He let out a deep sigh. "Yeah. The therapist announced that I
could date and have sex again, but I had to keep in mind not
to be obsessed with it again."

A crooked smile appeared on his face. "That's where the three-
day fuck fest comes in, to celebrate the end of hell!"

"He told you not to be obsessed..."

"Oh, come on, I didn't have sex for one YEAR! Can you fucking
believe it?"

I shook my head. "Never. Ok, so may be you deserve it."

"But it turned out... the fuck fest was with you, not Josh." He
smiled warmly at me.

"Josh is really incredible. He loves you enough to be by your
side when you are most down, and when you get better he gives
you up to me?" I shook my head. "I didn't know if I could do
that."

"He's a saint, Rick. I owe him my life. There is nothing I
won't do for him... and for you too, of course." His charming
smile melted my heart.

"I'm so glad he is happy with Mike now." I said.

"But do you know that he still loves me? He still wants to get
together with me, but he didn't want to piss you off."

"I already told him it's ok. I owe him that much. If it
weren't for him we wouldn't be together. He had you but he
gave you to me."

"Yeah, saying it is one thing, but actually seeing us
together..."

"Ben, I'm over all that. I'm happy with you and that's all I
care about."

"That means you are really ok with me fucking Josh?" He asked
excitedly. "What about a foursome? Wouldn't that be cool?"

"We talked about it, right? I'm ok with it." Ben took out his
phone and started messaging Josh. Before you know it they
already set up a foursome.

"Just like old times, huh?" He winked.

Although we started the topic on the road trip, we didn't
finish it because we sidetracked to Jimmy, and ultimately
ended with a foursome. I didn't want to revisit that place
until we had to.

Mike and Josh entered the cabin hand in hand. They were really
open with affection. I was so glad to see them. I have learned
from reading sports news that Mike came out to the public as
bi. There was a lot of support from the GLBT community and the
general public, but also a lot of noise in the football
circle. Most of it was positive though. I applauded the
decision and praised him for it.

Mike shook his head. "It wouldn't be possible without you two.
I want to help others who are like me, or should I say, what
used to be me, just like you helped me, Ben, and Rick, of
course." There were tears in his eyes and we hugged tightly.
Ben just smiled. He was already taking Josh's hand and leading
him upstairs.

"So, should we do it in separate rooms, or one big awesome
foursome?" Ben asked.

"We all did it in Ben's room before, didn't we?" I asked.

"Yeah, let's do it right here in the living room!" Ben said
excitedly as he lay down some sheepskin rugs right in the
middle of the room. We shook our heads as Ben hurriedly
prepared lube.

"Condoms, anyone?" He produced multiple condoms from his
pockets and fanned them out. "I prefer bareback, but it's up
to you..."

"We are exclusive, Ben, we haven't fucked anyone else." Josh
said.

"So are we!" Ben exclaimed and threw away the condoms. "Let's
do it in the raw!" He couldn't wait any longer and started
stripping. In no time Josh was on the rug getting fucked
senseless by Ben.

Mike and I looked at each other. There was longing in his
eyes. "Rick," he whispered, "although I'm with Josh now, I
still think of you. I still think about the times you fucked
me, how awesome it felt. I want you to do it again."

I held him tightly and said, "Whatever you want, Mikey bro."
It was hard to explain. Although I loved Ben deeply, Mike was
very close to my heart. He has loved me all these years and I
wanted to give him everything he wanted. I stripped him
tenderly and got him on the rug. He lay down and looked at me
longingly.

"Fuck me, Rick!" He closed his eyes and smiled. I looked at
his magnificent body, that giant body which has gone through
hours and hours of ruthless training, those muscles that
couldn't be any better formed, without one ounce of fat. In
the past year or so, while I started getting out of shape,
Mike was ever more muscular. He looked amazing, and I was
about to fuck him!

I let my hands roam all over his body, feeling his soft dirty
blonde hair. I massaged him, just like before. He moaned and
sighed. He was so relaxed, unlike before. I remembered last
time I fucked him he was full of shame, now he was totally at
ease. What a big change in a year! Mike has matured greatly. I
was so happy for him.

I lubed up and entered him. He grunted loudly and he looked as
if in pain. "It's been a while." He whispered. "Josh wouldn't
fuck me. He said he's a total bottom."

I remembered that night in the room, when Mike looked to Josh
to be fucked. It was funny that he chose Josh over me. I
wondered if that meant anything. In any case, Mike was so
excited he was shaking. He wrapped his legs around my waist
and pulled me in. Those powerful legs held me like a vice
grip.

"You really want it, huh?" I looked into his eyes and asked.

"Yes, Rick! I fantasize about this every day!"

I started thrusting in him and leaned down to whisper in his
ears, "Then we should do this more often!"

There was a sparkle in his eyes. "Really?"

"Yes, look at those two! I don't think they'd mind!" Turning
our heads, we watched Ben fucking Josh senseless and they both
loved it. In a sense those two were a really good match,
sexually. I didn't feel any jealously, especially knowing how
much Josh has done for us.

"This is my dream come true, Rick!" He whispered excitedly.
"We are not a pair, but I can still be with you! This is the
next best thing!"

"Yes, we can. I can foresee this becoming a four-way
relationship." I smiled. It's not so bad to get together with
Mike once in a while.

"Oh!" He wanted to say more, but my cock hit his prostate and
he yelled. His body tightened and he started convulsing. His
climaxes were always so intense, always a sight to see. He
held his fists tightly and started screaming. The other two
paused and watched.

In one loud, sustained scream, Mike started cumming. His cock
spewed tons of cum all over himself, and on the rug as well.
It was all over the place. He kept shaking and bucking his ass
against me. It was intense.

"Nice one, Mike." Ben commented causally, as though
complimenting him on a nice pass. He resumed fucking Josh at a
fervent pace. Mike and I hugged tightly and he kissed me. The
look on his face told me he hasn't stop loving me at all.

"Finally I can have you again." He whispered.

I was so touched. "I want you to fuck me, Mike, like you did
before." I looked deep into his eyes and said. He smiled. We
exchanged places and his giant cock was at my entrance.
Somehow he was able to get it up again.

"I thought you don't do second rounds?"

"Just for you, Rick. I'm so excited to have you." His cock
throbbed. It looked so huge, especially since I have gotten
used to Ben's size. Ben looked at it and raised an eyebrow.
The only thing that he was ever jealous of Mike was his cock
size. Mike has an inch over Ben, and it looked even bigger
now.

"I've never been so excited!" Mike whispered. He pushed and
his cock slipped in. I've been fucked by Ben regularly so it
wasn't a problem at all, but when he pushed his entire cock
in, I sucked in air and my body tightened. I knew what Josh
meant by Mike's cock reaching places Ben couldn't reach.
Having been so used to Ben's size, and this being so long
since I was last fucked by Mike, I suddenly started shaking
and felt my orgasm rising!

"Fuck me hard, Mike!" I knew I was close so I wanted it hard
and fast. Mike didn't disappoint, in fact he was so excited it
didn't take him long. I could feel his cock throbbing in me
and at times it felt even thicker than Ben. I was in a world
of my own as he thrust mercilessly. We both started screaming
as we climaxed together. He collapsed on me while his cock was
still pumping juice in me. It was good to feel his warm body
on me again. He felt so heavy, yet I felt completely safe
under him.

"That was so good, Rick. Thanks!"

"Anytime, Mike, anytime."

"I must be dreaming. I can have Josh and I can have you as
well. This is too good to be true!"

"I think this is for the best, Mike." I kissed him.

Ben frowned. He looked as if he was hurt. He had no problem
fucking Josh but he was jealously that Mike and I had a
connection. "Jealous?" I asked him.

"You two look like a pair of lovers." He said flatly.

"He's my ex, after all." I replied.

Ben shrugged and resumed fucking Josh. Mike and I held each
other and watched them for a while. It felt right, the four of
us together. We were all happy. Ben lasted a long time, as
usual. Josh had several climaxes before Ben finally came. We
all cleaned up and took some rest. We were surprisingly all
very comfortable with this arrangement. We agreed not to have
sex with anyone else, so we didn't have to use protection. We
sat together and had dinner, just like friends do on Friday
nights, except we did it in the nude. In fact, for the entire
weekend, nobody wore anything in the cabin. Sex was
spontaneous and natural, nobody was jealous anymore or felt
left out.

Towards the end of the fuck fest, Ben and I announced that we
were going on a road trip, just the two of us. We talked about
going on Route 66 and journey across the country. They were
supportive of the idea. Ben was quiet towards the end and I
knew what he was thinking.

"We don't have to do this, you know." I suggested to him in
private.

"No, I want to. I have to face my past, right?"

"Yes. I hope this time it will be over for good."

"I hope so too." So on with the journey. We went to the farm
Ben grew up on. We visited his parents. Ben showed me around.
He showed me the water hole. It was just a clearing with a
small pond, but it held so many memories for him.

"This is where I... lost my virginity." He said slowly.

"Wait, I thought you..."

"I fucked him right here." He pointed to a patch of grass.
That was unexpected. I only knew Ben saved his ass for Jimmy.
I didn't know Jimmy gave up his ass for little Ben.

"I was twelve and I knew nothing about sex. He taught me
everything. He even let me fuck him. He said it's the best
feeling in the world and he wanted me to experience it." He
said it flatly and emotionlessly, as though telling someone
else's story. I wondered if he was able to finally detach
himself emotionally or just suppressing it.

"It was mind-blowing to a kid. I loved it so much. I guess I
was hooked since then." He smiled bitterly. "He told me I
should do it with girls. He just wanted me to experience it
because girls may not put out easily. And I did... a lot."

"This is the note he left me." He carefully took out a piece
of paper from his pocket. It looked so old and fragile. Words
were scribbled quickly, now so faint they could hardly be
seen. "I remember it by heart." It told of the reason for his
departure, and the promise that he would be back. Ben grabbed
the note tightly and it started crumbling in his fist. When he
opened his hand it broke into many pieces and was blown away
by the wind. We both watched as the pieces danced in the sky
and slowly flew out of sight.

"There it goes." Ben watched the last piece of it disappear.
He held my hand and we walked quietly back to the car.

We started on our trip. We drove his old, beat up truck his
dad passed onto him. It was probably older than him. It had no
air conditioning and as we went across vast stretches of land
of mostly nothingness we rolled down the windows and enjoyed
the wind on our faces. There were no cars anywhere in sight
and it was so hot during the day we both decided to go nude.
Even if cars were to pass by they could only see our upper
bodies. I spent a lot of time going down on Ben's cock while
he was on the wheel. He would have his right hand on the back
of my head while his left hand steered the wheel. I would suck
him for hours like that. When he wanted to get off we would
park on the side and fuck at the back of the truck, right out
in the open. It was wild and crazy. Sometimes we would go into
the bushes to do it. We sure left our marks on Route 66.

It was an exciting journey. The landscape was beautiful. We
stood side by side and watched the sun set. We made love under
the stars. We held each other as we braved the cold nights. It
was just me and him, and nature. It was perfect.

There was only one more thing to tell. Towards the end of the
journey, we ended up at a small town. We entered the only
diner and sat down. As the waiter came to serve us Ben
suddenly froze. He gripped my shoulder tightly. His face went
pale and he was breathing heavily.

"What? You saw a ghost?" I asked. He didn't reply but kept
staring at the waiter as he poured water for us. Suddenly I
realized what it meant. Ben's reaction could only mean one
thing.

"Jimmy?" Ben's voice trembled.

"Yes. How do you know my name?" The waiter looked up
innocently, smiling.

"You... you don't remember me?" Ben croaked.

The waiter stared at Ben for a moment, then suddenly all
colors were drained from his face. He dropped everything and
ran towards the back door. Ben ran after him. Everyone was
looking at us but I didn't care. I followed.

Jimmy was running for his life, but Ben, being the athlete,
soon caught up with him. He tackled Jimmy down and both of
them rolled on the ground. Jimmy struggled and pushed Ben
away.

"How did you find me?" Jimmy asked, clearly scared. "Are the
cops here?"

"What?" Ben asked, hurt. "You think I'm here to bring you in?"

"Why are you here then? How did you know?" Jimmy was backing
away from us.

"We are just on a trip. I'm as surprised as you are!"

Jimmy seemed to have relaxed a little. "You really... didn't
know?"

"Jimmy, you ran away, only leaving a note! How in the world
would I know where you went?"

"I ran from town to town, finally settling down here, in the
middle of nowhere. I thought no one would find me again. I
didn't expect to see you here!"

Ben was almost in tears. "All this time... you were here? Why
didn't you come back?"

Jimmy looked at Ben, as though he asked a stupid question.
"Cops were looking for me! I had to run! How could I come
back?"

"But you said... you promised..." Ben searched for the note in his
pocket, only to realize it's already gone.

"I didn't want to hurt you! I wanted you to have hope!"

"Do you know how many days I waited for you at the gates? Do
you know..." Ben's hand was pressed tightly to his chest, as
though he had difficulty breathing. Ben has the best stamina
and the strongest heart I've known of anyone, yet it was a
heartache even the strongest heart couldn't bear.

"I'm sorry. I thought you'd get over me. I thought you'd move
on. Surely you'd understand why I couldn't come back, right?
I'd go to jail!"

Ben was hyperventilating. It was too much for him. I stood by
him and supported him. He pushed me away. "Thank God for
letting me see you again. I can finally let go." He mumbled
and turned around, not looking at Jimmy once.

"Wait! Don't you love me anymore?" What kind of twisted mind
would say something like that? I thought. I gave him a look of
contempt.

"Not anymore, Jimmy. Not anymore." He didn't turn around; he
went straight for the truck.

We didn't even eat. I drove to the nearest motel so we could
at least have a good night's sleep, after the ordeal. We both
needed it. Ben was silent all the way, until we were alone in
the room.

"How are you feeling?" I asked gently.

He didn't reply. He was like a statue. I held him in my arms.
"It's over, Ben. It's over."

He started sobbing. In all the years I've know him, he never
really cried. I've seen tears fall, but never like this. He
was bawling. I held him tightly as he cried into the evening.
Finally, he fell asleep in my arms. I held him that way until
morning.

"Feel better now?" I asked. I hadn't slept.

"Yes. It's done. I've got it out of my system. It's finally
over. I finally have closure." He forced a smile, but I could
see he was grieving inside. He wiped his tears away and got
up. He took a deep breath and sighed.

"Today marks the beginning of my new life. A life without
Jimmy; a life with you, Rick, and only you. I promise that."
He beamed at me and reached out his hand. I took it and we
hugged.

"Let's go home together, Rick." He smiled warmly, and I
followed him back to our truck, back on the scenic route, and
back to the home we co-created. That was the true beginning of
our lives together.