Date: Thu, 3 May 2012 07:51:42 -0700
From: Flip McHooter <1977.flip@gmail.com>
Subject: So Cal Summer 1969-Chapter 34b

This story is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters and incidents
are either the products of the author's imagination or are used
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locations or business
establishments or persons living or dead, is entirely coincidental. All
rights reserved. No part of this story may be transmitted or reproduced in
in whole or in part in any form or by any means, mechanical or electronic,
including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and
retrieval system without the written permission of the Author or Publisher,
except where permitted by law. Copyright © 2012 by Flip McHooter.

Because it's based in the past, some of it may not be politically correct
as I have tried to be true to 1969.

Thanks to everybody who has emailed me, I appreciate the tips and
feedback. Comments are always appreciated! Flip.  1977.flip@gmail.com


Chapter 34b


I rushed over to Jake and at the same time yelled at the guys to control
Ace so he couldn't cause any more damage. "How bad are you hurt?" I was
surprised he was still standing up. He looked pale and had his right hand
holding tight around his left bicep. I could see a small trickle of blood
weeping through his fingers.

"I'm not sure. It's hurts, but not as much as I thought it would when you
get shot."

"Lemme see."

He took his hand away and even though it was pretty bloody, there wasn't
anything really pouring out. I was relieved, but still scared. "Let me pull
up your shirt sleeve so I can get a better look."

I slowly rolled up the sleeve and was thankful to see that it looked just
like a big scratch, kind of like what you get when you crash off your
skateboard and you skin your arm or leg on the curb out front. It was only
a quarter of an inch wide and maybe two inches long. But thankfully, it
wasn't deep at all.

"Is it okay?" Jake asked. I think he was more scared than in pain.

"Yeah, bud, it's all right. You're gonna be okay. We can clean it real good
and then wrap it up in some bandages my mom has in her first aid kit. I
don't think you even need stitches. Dude, that was close." Then I heard a
noise behind me and I had to take my eyes off Jake and turn around.

"Stop it, you little pricks! You broke my legs. Get off me, God-damnit!"
Ace was the one really whining now, not like his teenage son who had just
been shot in the arm. And it was a truly, fucking hilarious sight to
see. Lisa was sitting on Ace's stomach, while Cooper and Colton each had
one of his arms outstretched and were holding them down -- and they weren't
being very nice about it either. Enzo and Kenji each had a leg, Enzo
holding on quite a bit harder than Kenji was. Tucker was over in the corner
taking the bullets out of the gun and shoving them in his pocket. And
finally, Jordy and Chris were standing there, looking at Ace and smiling
ear-to-ear. Chris was actually poking at Ace's knee cap with his golf
club. I bet he was going to be a little sadist when he grew up.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I was pissed. Royally pissed! I ripped Jakes
favorite tie-dyed shirt right off of his shoulders, and then ripped off a
couple of strips from the bottom. He winced when I tied them pretty tight
around his arm so that he wouldn't go bleeding all around my mom's new shag
carpet. Bullet holes were one thing that we might be able to cover up, but
drops of blood everywhere might be something else. Once I was sure he was
going to be all right, and after a quick kiss on his forehead, I marched
over to Ace and our band of merry men sprawled out all over him.

"Great job, Jordy and Chris. You're the best little dudes ever!" I said,
looking at all of my friends piled up on Jake's dad.

"I agree. I think we're going to have to take them to Disneyland," Enzo
shouted out.

"Yeah!" the little dudes said, smiling at each other. Chris was so happy he
gave Ace another whack in the knee with the golf club.

"Are his knees really broken?" I asked the group holding him down. Jake had
come up behind me, but I think he was so mad at his dad that he didn't want
to be any closer. I actually think that with Jake's fast temper, his dad
was going to be a dead duck in a matter of seconds if Jake got his hands on
him. Then he'd end up just like his partner the Dark Man was dumping in the
canyon behind our house.

"I don't really know. Let's see," Enzo said, picking his leg up by the
ankle and twisting it around. Ace let out a yell, but his leg moved around
pretty easily, back and forth, and we didn't hear any cracking or anything
like that. "I think this wimp here is faking for sympathy. Can you really
imagine him being our boss? Not in this lifetime mother-fucker!" and he
slammed his leg down hard on the floor.

"Yeah, well, thankfully this was all a ruse to get him secured. But no, I
couldn't stand being around this guy," I said.

"Me, either," Jake said. "I don't want to see this piece of shit ever
again. I can't even believe he's my dad. What a wimpy piece of
shit. Bummer."

"You know, it's been so long since I've been this close to this bastard, he
doesn't really look at all like us," Lisa said, staring at Ace's face,
which was funny because she was still sitting on him and flicking his nose
with her fingers.

"I was thinking that same thing. We don't look like him at all, sis. We
need to tie him up and gag him like he did to me. Then we're going to have
to come up with a good way to get rid of him once and for all."

"Maybe one of those new snuff films with him as the star!' Lisa said.

"What's snuff?" Jordy asked. I'm pretty sure everyone else was wondering
the same thing.

"Tobacco you suck up your nose or put between your cheek and gum. It's just
gross," Lisa said, throwing them off the track. She had just stepped into
it big time and really had to backpedal to get out of this one. "Makes your
teeth all yellow and then they fall out one by one. Baseball players use
it."

"Eww."

"That's gross!"

"Wait! Wait! Just let me go and I'll never come back. I promise," Ace
said. "I promise I'll go to New York and never see you guys or your mother
again. I promise. I fucking promise!" Ace screamed out. He really was a
total freakin' wimp.

"After shooting your son, and trying to kill my dog, you really think we're
just going to let you go? You'd fuck anybody over just to save your scrawny
ass, wouldn't you?" I said, playing a little mind game with him. "I don't
fucking believe you."

"But I'll leave, I swear it! I'll even send you money every month!"

"That's it, isn't it? Money! All about money. Where's the rest of my
t-shirt? I need to gag this sorry ass prick who says he's my father. I
think they must have switched us up at the hospital when I was born because
I can't even believe I came from his stinking sperm." Jake reached down and
shoved a big wad of his bloody, ripped up t-shirt into the guy's
mouth. "That takes care of his big mouth. Now we need to tie him up real
good until we can decide what to do with him."

"Jordy, run to the laundry room and get some rope out of Dad's tool
kit. You know where it is, right?"

"Shebang!"

"Chris, go help him out. Get a knife from the kitchen so we can cut it up
in to the right pieces and tie him up real good," Enzo told his little
brother.

"Hot Dog!" he yelled, and ran after Jordy.

Sloan didn't move though, and she was standing right next to Ace's head,
breathing hard on his face and drooling down his neck.

The little men were back in a flash and it took almost all of us to pick
Ace up, set him in a dining room chair and then tie him up. He squirmed,
twisted and struggled like the creep that he was. We finally got him
situated with so much rope that there was no way in hell that this prick
was going to be able to get free. He almost looked like a mummy.

"Maybe you should plug his ears so he can't hear what we're going to do to
him," Tucker teased.

"That's a great idea. What can we use?" Lisa asked.

"How about we stuff his ears full of cotton balls and then hold that in
place with some Band-Aid's? I'll go get that stuff because I've got to fix
up Jake's arm," I said. "Keep an eye on him. Be right back."

"Use Scotch tape and wrap it around his head. We can pull it real tight and
make weird faces out of it on him," Chris said. He was one little
space-cadet, that's for sure.

I ran to the bathroom and was back in no time. We finally got Ace tied and
taped up. And Chris was right: his face really did look funny, but boy, was
he ever pissed. The four of the biggest guys picked him up along with the
chair and then they set him down in a corner so he couldn't see us, but we
could still see him. The only problem was that he could easily slide around
on the dining room's hardwood floor. We solved that by laying him on his
back so he was staring straight up at the ceiling. We also turned the radio
on as double protection from him hearing us. We turned it on to Lawrence
Welk first, but then somebody said that he'd probably like that kind of
music, so we switched it to some rock on FM. They were playing Iron
Butterfly, which seemed appropriate for our situation.

Jordy and Chris were super-antsy, and they wanted to tickle him and make
him pee. When we all said yes, they jumped at the chance to do that because
they were still mad that he shot Jake and this was their way to get even. I
told them to get some newspaper to set under the chair so cleanup would be
easier.

Sloan still wouldn't take her eyes off him at all. Somehow she just knew
that this was a bad man and a threat to her pack so she just sat staring
straight at him from about five feet away. I don't think she ever took her
eyes off him the entire night.

Jordy and Chris started to work on him, and the first thing they did was
take off his loafers. They had barely gotten started when Jordy screamed
out, "Hey, look at this!" He had pulled out a sharp dagger from the
opposite leg that held the gun.

"Give me that, and be careful you don't cut yourself," I told Jordy. "We're
going to have to strip him and see what other surprises he might have."

"Yeah, but we can do that later. He can't get untied. Tucker and I really
tied him up good. Look, he can't even move," Colt said, poking him in the
ribs.

While Jordy and Chris, plus Sloan, were messing around with Ace, Lisa
brewed some coffee for us while I cleaned out Jake's wound. Luckily, it was
just a scratch and the worst thing was that it might turn into a small scar
that was always going to be a reminder of what his dad did to him. Then we
started to discuss quietly what we should do next.

"I think we should just dump his ass down the canyon with his friend," Enzo
said.

"Yeah, but what do we do about the car? That car is easy to spot. I'm
surprised that Mrs. Kravitz hasn't been over here to see what all the noise
was about," I said. "That reminds me. Can two of you guys go wash off the
blood from the patio before it dries? If there's no blood, then there won't
be any reason for anyone to be snooping around back there or up the trail."

"C'mon, Tucker. We'll go do it," said Colt. They probably wanted to go have
a quickie or smoke a doobie. That left me and Jake, Lisa and Cooper and
Enzo and Kenji to decide what to do with Ace.

"You forget. There are two cars," Coop said.

"Shit. You're right." That was from Lisa.

"Well, we can't do anything with the green one across the street. We don't
have the car keys," I said. "Whatever the Dark Man did with his body, the
keys are probably with him at the bottom of the ravine. Actually," I said
thinking out loud, "that works to our advantage."

"Why?" asked Lisa.

"How?" asked Jake.

"Well, let's say it takes a few days before someone like Mrs. Kravitz to
complain about an abandoned car in the neighborhood to the police. By that
time if they look for the driver, he'll be toast by then and can't say
anything to anybody. You have to admit, the cops have been pretty stupid
around here lately."

"I'll second that motion," Jake said.

"And I don't want the Dark Man to get in any trouble," I added.

"So then what do we do with Ace's car?" Lisa asked.

"Well, that's harder and is going to require some thinking on our part,"
Coop said.

"You know guys, I could call up my dad and he and his guys could clean up
this mess, no problem-o," Enzo said.

"Yeah, but then he'd know what we've been up to. I don't want him pissed at
you. And he might always hold it over our heads. He might make us do some
shit as payback. No offense, dude. Like we're fuck-ups or something. No, I
think this is our problem to solve. Well Lisa's and mine. And all that
activity might tip off Mrs. Kravitz and then more people would be involved
and could get hurt. Good idea though," Jake said.

"Yeah, that was a good one. So close," I said. "But it really is our
problem and we're gonna have to take care of it."

"C'mon, everybody, let's really think," Lisa said. "Think hard."

All of a sudden Jordy and Chris started laughing and yelling. "Look! We
made him pee his pants!" they shouted.

We all walked across the room to look at the pathetic sight. As much as I
hated this guy, it really wasn't very funny. I think the rest of our group
felt the same way I did. Most of all, I think we felt sad for Jake and
Lisa.

"Very good, boys. Now clean it up before it starts to stink," Enzo told
them. Fine with me if he wanted to give them the bad news.

"Oh, man," they whined.

"Hey! I think I've got an idea," I said.

"What?" Jake asked me.

"Hold on, let me think for a second. Yeah, this might work. Let's go to the
kitchen and get some coffee. We can still see Ace from there," I
said. "Clean that up guys and then come in the kitchen with us. We're gonna
need your help in a minute." I whispered my idea briefly to Jake and he
nodded in agreement.

We got to the kitchen and got our coffee fixed up. I hated coffee and had
to put tons of cream and sugar in mine. Most of the other guys did
too. Just as we were finishing up, Colt and Tucker came in from the back
deck while Jordy and Chris came running in from the family room. I pulled
out some instant cocoa for the little men and started warming it up. They
were probably going to have to stay up all night with us and I couldn't
have them falling asleep and ruining my plan. Once everybody was ready and
had their drinks in their hands, they gathered around to hear my plan.

"Okay, first of all, you have to promise me that every single one of you
will keep an open mind about this. Some of you might not like what we're
going to do. Especially Jordy and Chris. Coop, you might have a problem
with it too," I said.

"I'll do anything to keep Jakey," Jordy said, and went over and slipped his
little arm around Jake's leg.

"Me too. I like Jake," Chris chimed in.

"Aww, me too," said Coop, laughing, as he walked over to Jake and planted a
wet, sloppy kiss on the side of his cheek. "He might be my brother-in-law
someday." That made everyone in the room bust up. It was totally out of
character for Coop, and after he realized what he did he started blushing
with embarrassment.

"Okay. First things first. Everybody gather round and make a circle and
grab each other's hands."

"Where's this going, Ryan?" Lisa asked.

"You'll see."

"What is this, Ry? Cub scouts?" Colt asked, grinning.

"No you nimrod, we have to take a vow of secrecy. Look: This is super
freakin' important. Everything that we have done so far, everything that we
are going to do, everything that you are about to hear and everything that
we are about to do has got to stay private, just between us. Totally
private. This is serious stuff. That means no one talks about it after we
do it. Jordy, Chris. That means that you can never, ever, tell anyone about
this as long as you live. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Okay, everybody swear their allegiance."

We all agreed, and then shook each other's hand, seriously I might
add. When we were done everybody was looking at me for an explanation.
"Jordy and Chris, after tonight, you are no longer boys and now you are
officially young men. What we are going to do is what adults, grown-up men
and women, have to do. This is your first adult responsibility. Got it?"

"Yeah! What do we have to do?" Chris asked, looking up between me and his
older brother. He seemed awfully proud.

"That means we can never tell Mom and Dad, ever, right?" asked Jordy. He
got it and was totally serious.

"That's right. This is a super-secret, just between us. This is G.I Joe
stuff. It would get all of us, you included, into so much trouble that you
might have to go to prison. But that's what adults do to keep their best
friends safe. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I think we do," Jordy said, looking over at Chris.

"Me too," Chris added. "Friends and family first."

"Esattamente," said Enzo.

"So what's the big plan?" asked Kenji. He was excited to hear it. Actually,
everybody was. I guess the coffee and cocoa had kicked in since it was
going on three in the morning and no one was sleepy in the least.

"Lisa, I'm sorry to ask you this, especially in front of everyone here, but
I don't have a choice. Can you give us an abbreviated version of the
Polaroid's you and Jake took at your old school? Especially the ones with
that cheerleader chick Fiona? I think that was her name. I might have an
idea that could work out the same way with Ace, only with better results."

"Oh, God. Okay, here goes. I was being harassed by one of the girlfriends
of the quarterback on the football team at our old school in San Pedro that
I had, well, messed around with at a keg party. It's no secret I like
sex. Coop's heard this story already so it's no surprise to him."

"Actually, it gets me hot!" Coop said.

"So anyway, she was a total bitch and talked shit about me and Jake, at
school behind our backs, after she heard what I did with the team. That
bitch even fixed up her whore mother with my dad! So we had to get
even. Long story short, we set her up and got her drunk and naked and took
incriminating pictures of her and her boyfriend's younger brothers. Ohhh, I
see where this is going now! I love it, Ryan," she said, turning to me.

Jake piped in and continued the story, "We got her drunk, and then we took
Polaroid's of her naked with my friend and his ten-year-old brother. That
shut her up for good and was the talk of the school after everyone saw the
pictures. But how can we do that with my dad?"

"Well, remember how fucked up my mom was when she came home from that
Italian restaurant after she mixed up her pills with that red wine they
were drinking? What if we do the same thing to Ace, and then once he's so
totally wasted, we take pictures of him naked with Jordy and Chris. Then we
shove him back in his car, maybe roll it down the street, with the pictures
spread out all over the floor and pose him half naked at the wheel. Then we
can call the cops anonymously and say that there is a pervert in the
neighborhood and we think he's in front of the house. We'd have to do it
fast before the sun comes up or he comes to, but I think it'll work. What
do you guys think? I think it will work."

It took a couple of seconds for all of this to sink into everybody heads,
but most the crew was on board right away. Obviously, Jordy and Chris had
no plans to get naked with an older person, let alone a guy -- a guy that
has just threatened to kill us.

"No way!" Jordy said, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Me too! I'd get naked with a girl, but not a guy," Chris said.

"Well, you get naked with us when we go swimming," Jake pointed out.

"You've even had your little pecker sitting on my shoulders when we play in
the pool," I said.

"But that's different," Jordy said.

"And besides, he'll be passed out. He won't even know you're there," Lisa
said, since she was the expert. "He won't even see you. It won't be any
different than when you climb up on me out at the pool and play with my
boobies."

"They play with your boobs?" Coop asked, laughing, but not really all that
shocked.

"I told you I was off men, but I didn't say anything about boys," she said,
rolling her eyes and giggling. "You're the only man for me now."

"That's better."

"Well, we're all going to have to make sacrifices to make this plan
work. Jordy, a GI-Joe frogman would do whatever it takes for his country,
right?"

"Yeah, well..."

"And Chris," Enzo asked, "Isn't this part of being famiglia?"

"Well, yeah, I guess ..."

"And wasn't he just going to kill us?" asked Tucker.

"Well, yeah."

"If you do this, I'll give you little men one last extra-special treat,"
Lisa said. "Something that you will remember forever! A little welcome to
man-hood treat. Do we have a deal?"

"All right. As long as we get to see your boobies again."

"And maybe your cho-cho too?"

"I'll think about it."

"But just us. Not in front of the other guys, okay?"

"Eww, her cho-cho? Really?" asked Kenji. "That's just gross."

"Say's you!" Chris said.

"Okay, little man! We get it," said Jake.

"How's this: Just Jake, Lisa and me, the little men, plus that drunken old
scumbag in there. And if you want, we'll all get naked too, if that makes
it easier for you little men to do this. Is that okay?" I asked.

"Oh, all right. If it's for Jakey and Lisa then I'll do it. But we get to
play with your boobies' later, right?" Jordy asked.

"And you still have to take us to Disneyland and go on every ride with us,"
Chris added, looking up at his big brother Enzo.

"Yes, Jordy. Chris, you and Jordy c'mere. You guys pinky swear with me,"
Lisa said.

All of the older guys started giggling, even Coop, who probably wished he
had this much excitement when he was almost eleven. Then Lisa whispered
something in their ears which made them practically jump for joy.

"I swear!"

"Me too! I swear," Chris said.

"I'm going to regret this, but I swear too," Lisa said, hooking her little
fingers with both Jordy's and Chris'.

"Okay, so how are we going to get him wasted? He's all tied and gagged up,"
Tucker asked, changing the subject, thankfully. "Do you really want to
untie him?"

"Good question. Ry?"

"I'll go see how many Valiums my mom has upstairs. Then we can mix it up
with my dad's scotch. We might have to hold his nose and pour it down his
throat," I said. "But we can do that while he's still tied to the chair. I
don't think it will be a big problem. If she gets too low on her pills we
can always have Coop deliver a refill. She'll never know."

"I can do that, but hold on a minute, guys. If you give him too much of
that Valium stuff, he might croak," Coop said. He should know since he was
the resident drug dealer and deliveryman for the pharmacy. "Then we'd have
a lumpy dead body to dispose of. Are we really ready to deal with that?"

"Not really. I don't," Enzo said. "It's one thing leaving a guy in the
ocean, but it's another to throw him down the canyon."

"Let's just give him a little bit at a time and watch his progress. My dad
said that my mom took two pills and had two glasses of wine when she came
home all mellow and feeling no pain the other night. I think we need to
give him a little bit more because he's bigger than her and I really don't
want him waking up and messing with the little men. Jake, remember when she
yelled at you to get to the party?"

"Oh yeah, man, holy shit! That was freakin' hilarious. I agree. Ace has to
be a bit more dopey than your mom was. Let's start with two pills and one
full glass of booze. A big glass. We can take it from there and add more if
we have to," Jake said.

"Okay, be right back." I flew up the stairs and on into my parents'
bedroom. My dad's golf bag was lying spewed out on the floor and his clubs
were all over. I was surprised we didn't hear the little men rummaging
around up in here and making a commotion earlier. I didn't bother picking
up the mess as I made my way to the back, where their big bathroom
was. There was time for that later. I rooted around the medicine cabinet
until I found what I was looking for. Shit! She sure had a lot of pills in
there. One for everything, I guess. I found the Valium, and a bottle of
Premarin. That one sounded womenie and would probably be fun for Ace. So I
grabbed that one too and then went running back downstairs.

"How are we going to give these to him? He's not going to take them
willingly, is he?" Kenji asked me as I descended the stairs.

"Well, he's got to be pretty thirsty by now. Let's crush them up and pour
them into a glass of scotch. Maybe if we put some ice cubes in it so it
looks like a real drink he'll suck it on down. What do you guys think?"
Jake asked, looking around the room.

"That's boss, man," Enzo said. "My dad loves his scotch."

"Our dad, too. He was so pissed that his liquor cabinet was raided after
our last party that he cussed us out and told us we can't ever have any
more parties as long as we both shall live," Colt said, laughing and
looking over at Coop.

"Don't look at me, dumbass. I just wanted a little party with my swim
buddies and a few friends. I didn't expect you to invite all of the hippies
in Pasadena, although that band, the Ramrods, was pretty cool."

"Well, my dad usually only drinks beer, and sometimes he makes margaritas
and some other fancy drinks, but he does have a couple of expensive bottles
of scotch in the liquor cabinet." I went in the family room to get a bottle
out of the wet-bar, but first took a good long look at Ace. He was still
tied up tight and wasn't moving. Yeah, boy was he in for a day of
reckoning. Heading back into the kitchen, I was reminded that my mom had
all of the latest kitchen gadgets, and after looking all around in the
kitchen and pantry, I finally found the Molcajete that my mom had picked up
in Tijuana last year on a day outing with her snooty bridge club. It was on
a top shelf over the refrigerator. I was pretty sure that she had never
even used it. She was like that with her shopping. Just don't get me
started on her shoes.

"Here," I said, holding out a fancy, dark bottle of Glenmorangie Scotch
Whisky that my dad had bought when he got his first promotion at the
bank. I just hoped that no one would drop it on the floor or I'd be dead in
the canyon like that goon. "Would someone please pour a double shot into
one of those round glasses over there? No ice yet, okay? I want to crush
this shit up and then mix it in real good with the booze so Ace won't be
able to tell that there is something in it. Hey, Jake? Do you know how your
dad likes his scotch? With or without water?"

"I don't know. Does it make a difference?"

"Oh, hell yeah it does! If my dad has a good bottle of scotch lying around,
he drinks it straight, without ice. That's called something, but I can't
remember exactly what it is," Enzo said. "Boss, I think."

"Neat," Kenji said.

"Bitchin'," I said.

"Cool," said Jake.

"Far out," said Tucker.

"Outasight," said Lisa, chiming in.

"Not bitchin' and not cool. Not far out and not outasight. It's neat," said
Kenji.

"Right on! I know it's neat and cool and all, but what's it really called?"
Jake asked.

"It's called neat, God-damnit!" Kenji said again, this time loudly and
getting kinda perturbed.

"Cool."

Colt and Cooper were starting to laugh now. They both knew the true
definition.

"What the fuck are you guys arguing about?" asked Lisa. She didn't know
either, just like the rest of us.

"Neat! God-damnit! Not bitchin', not boss, not groovy, not far out, not
outasight and definitely not cool! It's called NEAT!" It was Kenji who was
flying off the handle now and made us all stare at him. He'd never gotten
angry like that before. After he calmed down he explained: "When my dad was
dying from cancer last year, he said the hell with it and had a shot of
good scotch whiskey every day before dinner. He liked it `neat' or without
ice or water. I don't know why, because one time he shared a glass with me
and I almost puked my guts out, it tasted so bad. Give me a joint any day."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks, Kenji. So, will someone make me a glass of this scotch,
NEAT?"

"I'm on it," Lisa said. I could always count on her.

I finished grinding up the two Valium pills and added one of my mom's
Premarin pills, but then added a second one for good measure. Lisa set the
drink down next to me and picked up the bottle of Premarin. After looking
it over, I was surprised when she said, "You know this is made from horse
piss, right?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? That my mom takes horse piss by pill?
If that's true, no wonder she's so wiggy. She must get hers from Mr. Ed."

"Yeah. Horse piss. Makes menopausal women more normal and stops their hot
flashes. Are you really going to add them to his drink?"

"Well, uh, yeah, I guess. Why not? I just thought it'd make him all womenie
and stuff. Maybe easier for us to handle. But now I don't know. Really?
Horse piss?"

"Yeah, really," she said, locking eyes on me. "But let's see what
happens. It might be fun. Maybe his dick will fall off. Anyway, we can use
this as an experiment for next year's chemistry class."

"Right on!" I said.

I took the drink from Lisa and then dumped in the powered drugs. I swirled
it around until the liquid was clear again. Then I turned around and told
the gang, "I need Colt to help me set him back up. The rest of you can
watch from in here. Let me go in by myself and try and be nice to him
first. If we're all just watching him he'll know something is up and then
it'll just be harder for us to make him swallow it. I also need you guys to
be quiet because I've got to pull out the cotton from his ears and I don't
want him to hear you guys."

"Great idea, Ry. Good luck," Jake said.

I went through the door into the dining room while the guys watched from
behind. I sat the drink on the table in front of him where he could see
it. Then I checked the ropes to make sure they were still tight and he
hadn't loosened them somehow. There really wasn't any way that he could
have untied them because there were so many and the guys used all of their
strength to make them tight. The guys had really done a great job. I guess
they had earned their knot tying badges in scouts. I pulled off the Scotch
tape holding the cotton in his ears without worrying whether I hurt him or
not. I knew it had to hurt because tears were forming in his eyes and
running quietly down his cheeks, but I really didn't give a shit.

"Colt and I are going to set you up now, dickhead. No funny business,
okay?" He nodded yes. The two of us set him up, and after we were sure he
wasn't loose or was going to do something stupid, Colt backed off behind
him, close, but out of sight.

"I figured you were pretty thirsty by now. I brought you a glass of my
dad's favorite scotch. I don't know why he likes it so much because to me
it tastes like, well, horse piss. But I'm not going to give you any if
you're going to fuck around. Do we have a deal?" He nodded his droopy head
indicating yes.

It took me quite a while to untie and pull out Jakes ripped-up t-shirt from
his mouth, but finally I got it undone. "That feel better?"

"What are you kids going to do with me?" he croaked at me. I was beginning
to think he was scared.

"Hey slow down! I'm here with a peace offering and you want to fight me
over it. Jake is more of a man than you are when you and your goons tied
him up. You know, we could have taped your mouth shut like your goons did
to him. Do you have any idea how much that must have hurt poor Jake when I
had to rip that tape off his face after I rescued him? He's just a kid and
you're supposed to be a grown man. You don't even care, do you?" I said,
loud enough to get his attention. "Now, for the second and last time, are
you going to be nice or am I going to have to gag you again and drink the
rest of the scotch myself?"

"No, no. All right. I am really thirsty," he grumbled. "Let me have a
drink. Then you can do whatever you want with me. I don't care anymore."

"That's better." I took the glass of scotch and held it to his lips, but
then I quickly took it away from him just before he could get a taste. "You
know, now that I think about it, I shouldn't even give you this. This is my
dad's favorite drink and he'd be really pissed if I gave it to a scumbag
like you." I put the glass up to my lips like I was going to drink it.

"Look, kid, just let me have some. I told you I'll be nice."

"You better. Okay then, here you go."

I put the glass back to his lips and poured the concoction down his
throat. He sucked it up like a baby nursing on a bottle. Any thoughts that
I might have had about it tasting gross were soon gone when he asked for
more.

"Maybe in a minute. We gotta talk first." I sat the empty glass back down
on the table and then slid a chair around so I could sit and face him. I
was able to see the guys standing in the doorway and Colt was right there
standing behind Ace ready to attack if need be. "I'm going to sit right
here and were going to have a little talk. Just so you remember, Colt is
standing right behind you in case you need some calming down."

Colt flicked both of Ace's earlobes hard with his fingers and the said,
"Hello." That made Ace jump a little and was actually kind of funny.

"Okay, we've all had some time to talk about what we should do with you,
but I wanted to get your opinion as well. First, I want to know why you are
such a prick to Jake, Lisa and Lulu? They are the nicest people I've ever
met and really don't deserve your bullshit. What the hell have they done to
you to make you so pissed off and evil?"

"It's none of your God-damn business. You're just a kid."

"Well, maybe I am, but that's beside the point. In the last few weeks, you
haven't made a very good impression on anybody around here. Oh, wait. You
did do one nice thing and that was talking to your friend Mr. Jimmy to get
us into the porno theater downtown. But then you got in a big fight with
Lulu, had your goon's stake out our house for the last couple of weeks
terrifying everybody, and broke the brake line on the microbus. Then you
kidnapped Jake. And then after we get Jake back and wrecked your boat, you
bust in here and almost shot my dog. That's not being very nice, now, is
it? If you're trying to make friends that's not the way to do it."

"Well, I had to. It's part of my job. You don't understand. You're too
young."

"Try me. Make me understand."

"I'm under a lot of pressure. This divorce thing is costing me a lot of
money and I goofed something up at work. I've been skimming money from the
theater and, well ..." he stopped talking.

"Want another drink? I don't think my dad will miss a little bit more."

"Sure." His face was starting to get flushed and wrinkly but he wasn't
slurring his words like my mom did, or acting like he was all that
drunk. Maybe he could handle his liquor better. Or maybe he was just
tired. It was three-thirty after all.

"I'll be right back. Colt, stay right there for a second, okay? Don't let
him try anything funny. If he does, you have my permission to whack him."

"No problem. I'll take this scumbag out with my bare hands if I have too."

"Good. Be right back."

As I walked through the dining room on my way to the kitchen, I held my
finger to my lips and motioned to the guys not to say anything just yet. We
all assembled in the far corner and I told them that he wasn't drunk enough
yet. I also told them that I was going to try and find out the real reason
that he wanted to kidnap Jake, but that I wasn't getting anywhere yet. I
asked Jake and Lisa if there was anything they wanted me to ask him,
because it was now or never. Neither of them did and said to just hurry up
and get this over with. Lisa said she was going to crush up another round
of pills for her dad.

Back in the dining room, with a new drink and pill cocktail in hand, Ace
was still wide awake. "I brought you another drink. But first, I want the
real reason you want Jake so badly. And why not Lisa? I don't get it."

"I can't tell you. Besides, it's none of your business. You're just a punk
kid."

"I'm offended by that! Now you're being a dick again. Why do you continue
to say that shit? See, it is my business, and if you want another drink
you're going to tell me. Besides, Jake and Lisa are like my brother and
sister now, so I need to know. That sorta makes you my step-dad, as gross
as that sounds."

"Give me a little sip first and then I'll tell you," he said.

"No."

"C'mon, step-son."

"Okay, but only half. And don't call me that ever again."

"Oh, that tastes so good," he said. The pills must have given it a nice
flavor. Yeah, I think this stuff was finally starting to work on him. I
looked up at Colt and he smiled back at me.

"So what's the deal? Why are you being such a prick?"

"Jake's not my son," he said sadly. There were gasps in the room, but Ace
didn't pay any attention to them. I was pretty sure he didn't even hear
them, or if he did he didn't care. "Lisa isn't my daughter either. I found
out a few years ago that Lulu was having affairs with some of her students
at the Music Academy. I didn't know until Jake started growing up and
didn't look or act anything like me. Lisa, too for that matter, but I
thought that was just because she was a girl. That's why I wanted to kidnap
him. To make Lulu pay," he said, and started to cry and hiccup. I guess the
womenie stuff had just kicked in.

"Here, drink the rest of this." I held the glass to his lips and almost had
to pour it down his throat because he was starting to get so groggy. I
almost felt sorry for him, but I couldn't because he was such a bad
man. "C'mon Colt, let's leave him to simmer for a second," I said, after I
poured the rest of the drink down Ace's throat.

The kitchen was abuzz with lots of talking, but the thing that I will
always remember to my dying day was the look of sheer joy on both of Jakes
and Lisa's faces. They both ran up to me the minute I walked in the room
and thanked me profusely for getting that out of him. I was covered with
kisses, which made everyone in the room laugh. Grilling Ace about that
hadn't been part of the plan and was something that I thought of on my own
at the last minute. I had always wondered why Ace treated Jake so mean
while my dad totally embraced him. Now we knew the real reason why.

"He's not our dad, he's not our dad, la-la-la," Jake and Lisa were singing
and dancing around the kitchen.

"So who really is your dad?" Jordy looked up and asked them.

"I don't know little man, but as soon as the Lulu's come home from Uncle
Gus's farm, we're going to find out, that's for damn fucking sure," Jake
said.

"Shebang! Maybe our dad can be your dad."

"Hot Dog!"

"Woof!"

And then, "WOOF, WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!"

"C'mon guys - into the dining room right now- something's wrong!"

***

As always, a special thanks to my editors Hans Schreiber and Jason T.