Date: Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:28:15 EST
From: HnstSkr4@aol.com
Subject: The Journey Begins - Written By Chuck B. - Chapter 1

Author's Notes:

First off, I want to introduce this new story.  This story features a young
man who is gay and not out.  His name is Eric Keiser and he is 16.  Eric
faces religious challenges as well as family challenges as he faces who he
really is on the inside.  He'll find himself as he moves through the halls
of high school and the paths of life.  I hope you'll enjoy this story.  To
the fans of the mirror, I will not be destroying characters.  What you see
is what you get with these characters.

Okay, these characters are meant to resemble any living or dead person.  I
make no apology to anyone who is offended by anything in this story.

Let me know what you think of the story by emailing me at
_Hnstskr4@aol.com_

Copyright 2008 by Chuck B.

The Journey Begins
Chapter 1 - The Journey Begins

My name is Eric Keiser and I am 16 years old.  I'm a junior in high school.
My family has lived here in Lake View, Indiana all my life.  We are a
highly religious family.  All of my siblings and I have been baptized into
the same religion.  I've always felt like somehow I don't quite fit in at
church.  I've known about myself for some time now, about four years.

Today is March 3rd, 2008.  I'm sitting in class waiting for Mr. Smith to
enter the room.  His Quest class is my 6th hour class.  In his class, we do
a lot of journal writing, talking about feelings, and our relationships.
Out of all my teachers, Mr. Smith is my favorite.  Not only is he hot but
he is smart and always has encouraging things to say.  Mr. Smith already
has today's journal entry topic on the board so I guess I should get going:

"Dear Journal,

I've never admitted this to anyone else before and I am terrified, but here
it goes.  I'm gay!  Writing it out like that made me even more afraid.  I'm
not even sure why, just that I am.  I've not told anyone because I'm afraid
of rejection.  I don't want to lose my family or my friends.  My church
would excommunicate me for being gay and being true to my feelings.  They,
the church, think that being gay is wrong.  How can it be wrong when it's a
part of who I am?"

Mr. Smith signals the end of the journal writing time.

Next, he places his ballot box in the center of the room.  "Okay, today our
question deals with someone in our lives being gay.  I want you to take one
of the papers that are being passed out and I want you to copy down the
questions that are on the board.  Leave a space for your answers.  Your
questions are: Is it okay to be gay?  Why or why not?  How would you react
to a family member or a friend who told you that they were gay?  I'll give
a few minutes to write your answers," Mr. Smith explained, as I copied down
the questions and started writing my responses.  I know that no one will
see my answers but I still feel scared.  Why is Mr. Smith doing this to me?

My answers to his questions are, "I have no problems with anyone being gay.
It would hypocritical of me to have a problem with it.  After all I am
taught to love everyone.  Secondly, I am gay myself.  As for a family
member or a friend telling me that they are gay, I have no problem with it.
It wouldn't change a thing."  With my answers being written down, I quickly
got up and placed them in the box.

I watched as one by one my classmates put their responses into the box.  It
sounds crazy but I wish that I could read their responses.  I watched them
as they dropped their paper into the box.  I realize that it's pretty
pointless, but I'm curious.  Of particular interest to me are the responses
from my friends Cathy, Dale, and Cody.  I hope their answers are positive.
Steven stood up and walked past.  I tried to turn away but I couldn't.  His
body just draws me in.  Now Mr. Smith approaches his box signaling the end
of this little exercise.

He reaches in with his right hand and pulls out five pieces of folded
paper.  In a deep voice, he reads my written response, "I have no problems
with anyone being gay.  It would hypocritical of me to have a problem with
it.  After all I am taught to love everyone.  Secondly, I am gay myself.
As for a family member or a friend telling me that they are gay, I have no
problem with it.  It wouldn't change a thing."  I watch my friends.  Dale
makes a face of disgust.  How can he do that?  Oh wait; he is a member of
my church too.

Mr. Smith unfolds the next piece of paper and reads it, "I'm not really
sure if it okay or not, but I don't think it should matter because love is
love."

He unfolds the next one, "Being gay goes against everything that I've been
taught.  I can't choose my family but I can choose my friends.  I refuse to
be friends with anyone who's gay."

Suddenly, I felt sick.  How could someone be like that?  I looked at Dale
and thought, "Must have been him."

The next one reads, "Being gay isn't a biggie for me.  I'm not gay myself
but I have a cousin who is and I love him death."

He opened the last slip and sat down in his seat.  "I'm gay so why would it
bug me."  It was simple but to the point.

"Now, are there any responses to what your classmates have said?"  One
girl, who is Christian and has an opinion for everything, agreed with the
hater.  She said her parent would kick out any of her siblings who are gay
and that she would have nothing to do with them.  A couple classmates were
on our side and couldn't understand how any parent could treat kids like
that, or how a true friend could just toss a friendship away over a friend
being gay.  I'm still really shaken by the haters in the room.  I want to
say something.  I even have the words on my tongue but I can't.  Exposing
myself isn't something that I want to do right now.  Mr. Smith has his eyes
on me.  Watching me and waiting for me to say something.  I know he wants
me to defend being gay, but I'm going to say anything.  "Okay everyone, see
you tomorrow."

The last hour of the day is finally here.  Miss Gonalez's English class is
one of my favorites.  I love to write and always have.  The bell rings and
Miss G. does the attendance.  "Okay everyone today's writing prompt is to
write one paragraph about something that no one else knows about you.  It
will be graded and then returned to you."  I decided to write about being
gay.

"One thing that no one else knows about me is that I'm gay.  You don't know
what's it's like to be different.  It's hard to face sometimes because all
my life I've been taught that being gay is wrong.  I'm afraid to say
anything because of the hatred that is out there.  I don't think it's right
that I can't step outside of my shell.  Right now, I am accepted by my
family and friends.  They accept me because they don't know about me.  If
my family knew, they would not be able to accept that part of me.  Some of
my friends wouldn't be able to deal with me being gay.  I think it's
important for my friends and family to know that I haven't changed.  I am
still the guy that I've always been.  I want them to love me like they
always have.  To my straight male friends, you're safe.  I'm not out to
have sex with you."  Miss Gonalez stands up and goes to the back of the
room and turns on the overhead.  She pushes a button on the back wall and
the screen comes down.  "Okay everyone times up."  She was about to move on
when Mr. Smith walked in.

He went straight to the back of the room and started talking to Miss
Gonalez.  Everyone knows that you DON'T interrupt her when she is about to
start teaching.  Mr. Smith turned and point to me.  A paper was passed
between Mr. Smith and Miss Gonalez.  He turned and exited the room.  Miss
Gonalez walks up to my desk and drops the note on my desk.  She immediately
heads to the back of the room.

For the next fifteen minutes, she reviews with us how to write a letter.  I
sat here partially listening and partially stewing about the content of the
note.  For as badly as I wanted to read it, I knew reading it would be a
mistake.  Miss Gonalez tolerates nothing but absolute attention as she's
talking.  After her fifteen minutes of instructional time, she walked up to
the front of her desk.  "Get out your planners!  Your homework is to write
a letter to anyone in the room.  They won't receive it but it will be
graded and returned tomorrow.  I want a minimum of three paragraphs.  You
have two minutes to get it written in your planners."  Now I can peak at
the note.

To be honest, I'm more than a little nervous about this note.  Why would
Mr. Smith send me a note?  What did I do to deserve a note from him?  I
opened the note.  I glanced down in fear.  He just wants to see me after
class for a few minutes.  What if this note is telling me that I'm failing
his class?  What if the note is about my quiet spell in his room today?
The bell just went off ending seventh hour.

I walked two doors down the hall and arrived at Mr. Smith's room.  He
smiles as I approach his desk.  He gets up and walks to the long table in
the middle of the room.  He thumbs through the pile of journals and pulls
mine out.  A blue 3x5 card marks a page in my notebook.  "Eric, I wanted
you to come down to my room so that we could talk about your journal entry
for today..."  He started to read my journal entry to me:

"Dear Journal,

I've never admitted this to anyone else before and I am terrified, but here
it goes.  I'm gay!  Writing it out like that made me even more afraid.  I'm
not even sure why, just that I am.  I've not told anyone because I'm afraid
of rejection.  I don't want to lose my family or my friends.  My church
would excommunicate me for being gay and being true to my feelings.  They,
the church, think that being gay is wrong.  How can it be wrong when it's a
part of who I am?"

Hearing my words kind of shook me, I'm really not use to hearing my private
thoughts read back to me.  "...Eric, how long have you been in hiding?"

At this point, I wanted to run.  I'm not ready for this yet.  "I guess
since I was twelve."

He seemed kind of surprised by my answer. "You've known about yourself
since you were 12 and you've never said anything to anyone?"

Why is he questioning it?  I told him the truth.  "I've been afraid to tell
anyone because I'm a chicken."

His face showed a hint of sadness.  In a stern but caring voice, he replied
"Eric, you're not a chicken.  I think the fact that you've managed to do it
for this one is incredibly brave.  I know what's it's like to hide from the
world, however I also know the weight that's removed from your shoulders by
coming out to someone.  Eric, I'm not suggesting that you should come out
to everyone.  I don't think that would be wise..."

Mr. Smith is gay!  Wow, I wonder how he dealt with being in the closest.
"Mr. Smith, are you gay?  How did you know the right time to come out?"

He looked at me and smiled.  "You can't tell anyone, but yes, I'm gay.  I
knew the time was right when I couldn't take it anymore.  I knew that there
were rumors floating around in high school and even in my family.  To put
it simply, it had gotten to be too much.  Like you, I was terrified to come
out.  Luckily, my folks were okay with it.  I did have one sister who took
some time to overcome her own views.  I even lost a couple life long
friends who never did come around but I'm lucky because someone who is very
close to me was kicked out of his home at the age of 14 by his family.
They have yet to accept him back into the family.  I want you to go home
and read your journal entry and then I want you to read what I've written
in red.  You better get going.  Have a great evening!"

"Thanks Mr. Smith, have a great evening!"

"Bye!" he said to me as I rushed out of his room.

I walked as fast as I could to my locker and grabbed my stuff.  Somehow, I
managed not to miss Cody, Cathy and Dale.  We always walk home together.
Usually, we vent about our homework, or whatever else we might feel like
venting on.  Today, I was lost in thought.  I could hear them talking but I
wasn't listening.  Mr. Smith had given me a lot to think about.

"Earth to Eric, anyone in there?" Cathy said to me, trying to pull me into
whatever they were talking about.  I just ignored her.  My thoughts were
much more important to me.  Finally, the walk was over.

The sidewalk seemed to be endless today.  I didn't want to tell my parents
about my day.  What was I going to say?  "Today, my Quest teacher and I had
a great conversation where he came out to me and I came out to him."  I
don't think that would make them very happy.

Sure enough, mom and dad were sitting on the couch.  Almost in unison, they
said, "How was your day?"

I looked at both of them while lifting my backpack from off my back.  I
dangled it in the air by one hand.  "I ended up with a ton of homework to
do.  I'm going to head up to my room."  I acted the way that I also acted
when I had homework.  Homework needs to be done first so that I have my
evening to write or play video games.  Arriving in my room, I grabbed a
couple pieces of blank paper.

"March 3, 2008

Dear Steven Hill,

You may or may not know me.  I'm the kid who somehow ended up in your gym
class for the three years in a row.  I'm one of your classmates in both
your Quest class and your English class.  I've always looked up to you.
Everyone seems to like you.  You have no problem saying what's on your
mind.  I've noticed you since the first day that I saw you back in our 8th
grade year.  In fact, it was kind of hard not to notice you.  My eyes were
drawn to you and they have been ever since.  You are the reason for my
yearly gym class.  I guess it's just been luck that you've been in each of
my gym classes.  Sometimes, I go home and dream about you.  Dreams where
you are my friend, my best friend and boyfriend, the type of dreams that if
they were real would lead to my excommunication.

I want nothing more than to be noticed by you.  It's not enough for me to
know who you are.  I want to be your friend.  I would love to be your
boyfriend.  No one would dare mess with me, at least not when you were
around.  I would feel safe around you.  Still it's a bit scary even to be
writing this letter.

It's scary because, I don't know if you're gay.  I can hope that you are.
It's on my mind a lot as of late.  I just don't know what to think.  I have
the biggest crush on you.  Maybe it even hinges on an obsession, but yeah,
I also have a few x-rated dreams about you.  Sorry for not putting those in
this letter.

Your friend, at least in dreams, Eric Keiser"

The letter is finished.  I'm so glad to have it done and now I can face the
journal.  Unzipping my backpack, I stick the letter into my English
homework folder and then take out my journal.  I open it up using the same
3x5 card that Mr. Smith had used.  I read my journal again.  Yeah...it was
pretty much the same but then I noticed the red comments with arrows drawn
to pieces of text.

"Dear Journal,

I've never admitted this to anyone else before and I am terrified, but here
it goes.  I'm gay!  (I guess that makes me the first person that you've
come out too.  How does it feel?)  Writing it out like that made me even
more afraid.  (It's perfectly okay to be afraid.  Just don't be too
scared.)  I'm not even sure why, just that I am.  I've not told anyone
because I'm afraid of rejection.  (There are always going to be people who
hate you and people who are willing to love you.  I've had both in my life.
You will too.)  I don't want to lose my family or my friends.  (I know you
don't want to lose your family or your friends, but honestly, you can't
change their minds.  They have to make the decision to love you
unconditionally or to walk away.)  My church would excommunicate for being
gay and being true to my feelings.  (Be True to Yourself!)  They, the
church, think that being gay is wrong.  How can it be wrong when it's a
part of who I am?  (You can still be true to yourself and believe in what
you want to believe in.)

(You are a great person, and you need to see for yourself.  By the way, I
noticed that you seem attracted to Steven.  You might want to consider
coming out to him.)"

Mr. Smith seems to think a lot of me.  I am honestly just a little shocked.
He seems to know me.  If he noticed that I like Steven, I wonder who else
has noticed?  It would be strange if Steven knew and never said anything.
Guess I can't expect him to notice me.  After all, he is one of our
school's top athletes.  Being gay and being out would change people's image
of him.

Time for dinner and then time to bed, I can't wait for school tomorrow.

As usual, Mr. Smith has our daily journal entry.  Today, he has picked a
question for each of us.  Each of us has a question written in our journal.
"When are you going to tell someone else and when are you coming out to
Steven?"  He had given me two hard questions.  Two questions that I don't
want to think about at all.  "Mr. Smith, I guess I'll tell my friends
today.  As for Steven, I don't' know if I can ever tell him how I feel."
Mr. Smith gave us ten minutes to write our answers.  The rest of the time
was spent talking about things we hate.

"I want everyone to stand up and name something that you hate and why you
hate it.  "Let's start with Mr. Keiser.  Please stand up as your name is
called."

I don't know if I can do this.  I hate standing up and having to talk in
front of groups.  "I hate that have a problem with speaking up."

Mr. Smith looked at me and asked, "Why?"

"I guess because I'm afraid other people will think that I'm stupid."

"Any comments?"  Mr. Smith asked.

"Don't you ever feel stupid speaking up!"  Steven said, looking straight at
me.  Wow!  I never expected him to say that.  Awesome!  That really made my
day.

"Dale Scott!"

"I hate gay people!  They are constantly trying to get others to accept the
fact that they are flat out going against God's wishes."

"Anyone disagree with Dale?"

I guess it was what Steven said to me but I stood up.  "God makes us who we
are, and there is nothing wrong with being gay.  I'm gay.  I should know."

I think everyone including Steven and Mr. Smith had a jaw dropping
experience.  There were not anyone claps, but Mr. Smith was right.  I did
suddenly feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

"Mr. Hill, your turn!"

Steven stood up all 5'9 and 175 pounds of him.  Steve is one of the better
looking guys in the school.  I wonder if Mr. Smith was dropping hints about
him.

"I hate when people throw their views around and judge other people."  He
looked right at Dale and then sat down.

The bell sounded and as I was about to leave me seat.  Dale came up to me.
He looked at me with a very angry look to his face.  "Eric, I think it's
best that we stop being friends."  After speaking, he walked out of the
room.  After what, Mr. Smith told me about people who quit being his friend
when came out, I knew this might happen to me.  I had hoped it wouldn't
come down to this.  Dale said it loud enough that everyone heard it;
everyone including Mr. Smith and Steven.  I headed off to my next hour
class.

It feels so good to have the day almost over with.  I can't imagine this
day going on much longer.  At least Miss Gonalez class was usually lively.
She started off class by collecting our letters.  Since it was Friday, she
told us right away that there wouldn't be any homework.  It's not something
that we are used to hearing come out of her mouth.  Friday is the day that
she usually piles the homework on us.  She basically spent the entire day
going over business letters today.  By the end of class, I was overly
anxious to get home and relax.

I was in such a hurry to get out of class that I didn't notice Dale.  Cody
and Cathy were following close behind me.  "Hey Eric, did you see the way
that Dale looked at you.  He seemed really cold.  I still can't get over
how he reacted to your news.  What an ass!" Cody said as he patted me on
the back.  Why couldn't that be Steven patting me?  We walked home together
with everyone coming to over my house.  We sat down on the floor and took
turns playing video games.

"So Eric, are you really gay?" Cathy asked, as she took her turn at
fighting Cody, the current champ in the wrestling game that we were
playing.

"Yeah... I am!"

Cody turned to me and asked, "When are you going to tell your family?"

Cody knew my family enough to know that telling them would be harder than
telling people at school.  Oh... wait, what if Dale told someone at church?
What if my dad caught wind of it?  After all, my dad is bishop.  I think
that maybe I made a bad decision.  Now all I can do is waiting and see what
happens.  The Journey Begins Chuck B. Page | 1