Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 18:38:20 EST
From: DomLuka@aol.com
Subject: The Log way Chapter 01

If you are offended by male/male relationships, or male/male sexual
relationships, then you shouldn't be here in the first place. If this
conduct is illegal in your area, you must EXIT NOW.

This story is not to be copied or posted elsewhere without permission from
the author.

If you are interested in a story about gay teenage males, then please take
your time and enjoy. Feedback/comments/suggestions and even complaints are
welcome at DomLuka@aol.com


Chapter one: A new day

It wasn't my first day at a new school. I had actually been there for a
little over a month, but I had transferred in the middle of the year. I didn't
really know anyone yet. I didn't really want to know anyone. I guess you could
say, at the time I had a pretty shitty attitude about life in particular.

The problem was people. I hated people. I know, that said, sounds like the
problem was me. But it really was people. I hated people. I felt like every time
I met someone new, or trusted even an old acquaintance, something bad came of
it. I knew that this was a bit irrational, and I was working on it, I really
was, but it was happening slowly.

I didn't trust people, so I was quiet around them. I purposely avoided making
any friends at my new school, even when people went out of their way to be
nice to me. And that happened more often then I would have expected it to. There
was even a group of kids who hung around me at lunch and tried to include me
in conversations as if it had always been that way. I knew their names, but
they were only acquaintances, people who didn't really know me. But that was
okay. I really didn't want them to know me.

There were only two people in the world that I trusted. Christopher and
Anthony Dovan. Chris and Tony. My brothers. They were both twenty-one, four years
older than me. We had been reunited just over two months ago, after three years
of separation when they both moved out of my parent's house at eighteen.

I was only fourteen then, and didn't really understand it at the time. I
vaguely remember that Tony and my father had an argument not long before my
brothers disappeared from my life. My mother had drug me away before I could figure
out what was happening, but the next thing I knew, Tony and Chris were both
gone. I wasn't that surprised that Chris left too. Even if whatever differences
Tony and my father had, Chris wasn't a part of it. That's just the way Tony
and Chris were. They did everything together. They were twins.

I remember that when I was really young I was always jealous of the bond they
had, but then again, I'm not sure I would have wanted a mirror image of
myself walking around either. I guess it was just the bond that they had, that I
wanted. They even shared a room their whole lives at my parent's house. There
were five members of our family and six rooms in our house, but they always
shared. I never understood that. I loved having my own room. But it must have been
that special bond thing between them again.

Not that I didn't have a bond with my brothers. They always looked after me,
and included me every time I started to feel left out. I was close to both of
them. In fact, I was the only one who could tell the two of them apart, my
parents included.

They were both identical in every single way, but I could tell them apart. I
think it was something about the way they looked at me. Tony was always more
serious, he had a penetrating gaze, like he was always trying to read you,
while Chris was more of a free spirit with this spark in his eyes that left you
wondering what he was about to get into next.

But other than that, they were identical in every way. At eighteen, they
stood just over six feet tall, with the same broad shoulders that every male
member of my family seemed to have, with a natural hokey player build that none of
us really had to work for, including myself. They had dark blue eyes and
blonde hair; they even kept their hair the same, longer, cut to frame their face.
And I'd never tell them because they'd just get big heads over it, but my
brothers were definitely studs. They inherited my father's facial features as
well, with strong jaw lines and straight noses. They even had the same dark
freckle in the same spot, just below their left eyes.

I remember realizing what good-looking brothers I had at a very young age. I
idolized them, and not just because they were handsome. It was more than that.
They were so outgoing, and could draw people to them on their charms alone.
Later, I discovered that I could muster the same charisma, but I credit even
that to my brothers. They were everything to me, and when they left, it hurt.

It really hurt. They didn't even say goodbye. I begged my parents to tell me
what had happened, but no one would say a thing, they wouldn't even tell me
where my brothers had gone. When I kept asking, it was my father who put an end
to it.

Dad was a harsh man. I'll never deny that. I wont say that he beat us when we
were younger, because he didn't. But more than a few times he had raised his
hands to his sons, usually in the form of a harsh slap on the back of the
head, or an open handed slap in the face. But it was the verbal discipline that
kept his boys in line.

My father had a way of letting you know when you were a disappointment, and
after my brothers left, I was always a disappointment. After he told me that
Tony and Chris were no longer his sons or my brothers because they had gone off
to `sin with the devil' I was no longer able to ask about it. I just had to
take dad's word for it or suffer the consequences.

Maybe my parents never spoke my brothers' names anymore, but they were all
but forgotten. It was like our family was broken, and all of a sudden the full
attention of both parental units had turned to me, and it couldn't have come at
a worse time.

The year I turned fifteen I had started to realize things about myself. They
were things that had been there long before I turned fifteen, only now, I was
beginning to identify certain feelings I had. Of course I tried not to think
much of it at the time. I thought it was a phase. I even had a girlfriend, Anna
Crossle, and she was perfect, gorgeous with long, auburn hair, and she was
sweet too. We had grown up two houses away from each other, so she was a friend
as well as my girlfriend, and I really did love her. What was better was that
my parents loved her too.

But there was also Nicky Davis. He was my best friend and actually lived in
the house between Anna and me. He had dark brown hair, a never ending golden
tan, and a certain grace about him that I had always admired. And most of my wet
dreams revolved around Nicky, not Anna.

By the time that my brothers left, I was pretty sure that I was in love with
Nicky. Not that I didn't notice other guys, but Nicky was special. He was also
as straight as they come. I discovered that after I was able to put a word to
the feelings I was having. I was gay.

Unfortunately, liking boys instead of girls was not acceptable for my family.
The narrow-minded, racist comments were never really spoken in my house, but
they talked about it in church, and my parents were very strict about church.
If the preacher said it, it was true. I'm not really sure which religion we
were, my mother came from a Mormon background and my dad was catholic- you
figure it out. But being gay was a sin, no matter how they looked at it.

I could never bring up being gay with my family. But I couldn't hide it from
myself either, so I ended up breaking up with Anna. She wasn't exactly happy
about it, but I managed to keep our friendship in tact and a month later she
was going out with Nicky. Lucky bitch.

But Anna was not the only one unhappy with the break up. My parents were even
less happy, and all of a sudden I was being introduced to every girl from my
church. It was weird to me. I was only fifteen, and my parents had never taken
interest in my love life before. Before my brothers left, they hadn't even
taken an interest in me before. I really didn't get it.

At first, I showed no interest in the girls my mother introduced me to. I was
too busy struggling with the idea of being gay. I was pretty sure that I was,
I mean, I could appreciate a pretty girl, but it was completely different
than how I appreciated a good-looking guy. But when I didn't show interest, that'
s when things got really weird.

My father began to make comments when I fucked up. Fucked up meaning, I didn't
go out for football, or when I brought home cookies from a home economics
class- which was required by the way, and the cookies were burnt. Suddenly, I
was a no good `fairy.' I had no idea what that meant. I asked Nicky about it
once and he said that he heard some guys at school calling a faggot that.

The realization made me sick. Like I said, racial terms were foreign in my
house, until then. I was suddenly panicking. Did my parents know I was gay? Was
it obvious? Had I done something to make my father think that I liked boys? I
wasn't about to take any chances. I went from showing no interest in girls to
dating every one of them they threw at me. This tactic worked for quite a
while. I even went out for football and took up everything else that might
seem `straight' to my parents. For a while, when my father started commenting
on people he thought were gay, I'd even agree with him. the words `faggot'
and `queer,' and even `cocksucker' left my mouth more than once, and every
time they did I hated myself a little more.

But the lie was taking its toll on me. I knew what I was and I hated it. And
I hated my brothers for leaving, placing all of the undesired attention on me.
But I survived. I learned to survive. It wasn't until after my seventeenth
birthday when everything turned to hell.

There was a new kid at school. Dan Pierce. He wasn't the most attractive guy
I had ever met. He was short and had a round face, but there was something
about him that drew me in right from the beginning, and although he wasn't
gorgeous, he was what I would call cute.

I didn't really go out of my way to be friends with him; actually, he was the
one who did all the work at first. It was strange really; he just came up to
me one day and said he lived in my neighborhood, that he needed a ride home.

I was completely stunned at first. For one thing, I had never spoken to him
before, and for another, we didn't exactly run in the same circles. He was what
my friends would call a complete `nerd' and I was a jock. I'm sure if he had
approached me in front of Nicky or anyone else, it would have raised some
sort of suspicions, but he didn't, and I agreed to drive him home after school.

Dan turned out to be a talkative guy, and really easy to just be with. When
we got to his house he mentioned that his parents weren't home and he asked me
in. I really considered not accepting the invitation, but there was just
something about Dan that I wanted to know more about, so we went inside and spent
the entire afternoon together, just getting to know each other. It was in his
small, video game filled bedroom that he put me on the spot with no warning
whatsoever.

"I'm gay. Are you?"

I couldn't believe him! I mean, he said it so easily and I tripped all over
myself trying to deny it before I finally gave up and told him that I thought I
was. And it really did feel good to be able to say it out loud, and I felt
somehow that I could trust Dan. So I confided in him, but I also made it clear
that I thought the feelings I had for other boys were wrong. Gay people were
sick. They were perverts. I couldn't be one of them. If Dan knew what was good
for him, he wouldn't be one of `those people' either.

Dan had a slightly different opinion on the subject. He told me that we weren'
t sick. We weren't perverted. We were just different. He also told me that it
wasn't a choice. I didn't want to believe him. If I believed him, then I
would have to be a fag and my dad would hate me.

He showed me articles he had saved. They said that being gay was just like a
genetic thing, like being left-handed. It wasn't a choice. It was the way we
were. At least after talking to him that first time, I had a few things to
think about. Maybe I wasn't sick. Maybe I wasn't perverted. I was gay. I had
admitted that to myself before. Now, I just had to accept it.

I wont say that I was interested in Dan, at least not in a sexual way, at
least not that first day, but I definitely needed him somehow. I needed his
friendship. I needed someone to confide in, and I found that in Dan my first
afternoon at his house.

And Dan seemed to have more experience then I did when it came to being gay.
He had even had a boyfriend before he moved into my neighborhood. He had
accepted his sexuality, and although he wasn't `out' to most of the world, his
parents knew about him, and they had accepted it. Needless to say I was shocked
about his parents. They were nice people, and if they accepted that being gay
wasn't a sin, maybe my parents were wrong. that was even more to think about.

In three days I formed a friendship with him, one I kept separate from
everything else in my life, but Dan seemed to understand. He was new, but he was
outgoing and had already made friends of his own, so we didn't really see each
other except after school.

But then on that third day, things took an unexpected twist. Dan kissed me.
All of a sudden, all of those feelings of not being interested in him as
anything more than a friend vanished, and things escalated quickly from there. Dan
introduced me to my first sexual experiences with the same sex, and I loved
every second of it.

For almost a month we spent every free moment we had together. I never
brought him home with me for obvious reasons, but I was always welcome in his home.
I never really told his parents about me, but I'm sure they figured it out,
and they were always kind. I always felt comfortable in Dan's home. Sometimes I
never wanted to leave.

But then, tragedy struck. One day Dan never showed up for school. Half way
through the day there was an announcement. There had been an accident. Dan's
parents had been driving him to school when a larger vehicle ran a red light. The
entire family was killed on impact.

I lost it. My friend, my lover, the only person who truly knew me, was gone.
I broke down and left school. This puzzled everyone I knew because no one knew
that I had even known Dan. But I had, better than anyone else around that
town, and I was devastated.

The details of that day are foggy enough, but I remember what happened well
enough. It was Nicky who found me. I was such a wreck, and he, being the best
friend that he was, took me to his house and tried to figure out what was wrong.

I broke down and told him everything. Nicky said he understood and he didn't
even care if I was gay. He really was my friend and he said that nothing would
change it. Others were less understanding. There was someone else that day,
at his house, listening in. Anna.

Honestly, I don't think that Anna would ever intentionally hurt me. We
really were friends, but she had heard everything, my entire confession to
Nicky.  She too, came from a family where being gay was not within the
family guidelines. She was afraid for me. She thought that I was sick, or
in trouble. Maybe she only wanted to help me.

She didn't.

She went to my parents with the information she had, and that night, my
parents confronted me. I was such a wreck. I had lost Dan. Nothing mattered
anymore, and I told my parents that I was gay, none too subtly.

I don't know how I expected them to react. I figured that the worst that
could happen was that I could be thrown into the street. I was wrong. I
never knew that my father could be so violent. The entire scene was so
surreal.

I'm not as big as my father, but I wasn't small. I was a complete jock; at
seventeen I was standing at five eleven and a hundred and seventy pounds. I was
no lightweight. I wasn't out of shape either and I knew how to throw a punch,
but something about the idea of striking my own father sat wrong with me. I
couldn't do it. I wish I would have.

I vaguely remember feeling like a punching bag. My body ached until it went
numb. I could hardly stand by the time he stopped, and then I sat there, bloody
and broken as my father announced that he was going out for a drink and I'd
better not be queer when he got back. When he was gone my mother went on to
lecture me about sinners and hell in her most motherly voice and commenting on
the mess my blood was making on her floor.

I took that time to reflect. Were these really my parents? It was so hard to
believe. I mean, I know that there are people out there who cant accept their
own children, but why did my parents have to be those people? After meeting
Dan and his family, it seemed to natural that a parent should accept their
child no matter what.

But mine didn't. I didn't have my parents. I didn't even have my friends.
Sure, I had Nicky, but how long would it be before he thought I was sick, like
Anna did? Somewhere in the back of my mind and in my heart I knew that Nicky
would never do that, but I couldn't trust it, not anymore. My world as I
knew it was gone, and I didn't feel like I had time to grieve it.

I got angry.

I was angry because I was bleeding and my mother didn't care. She was too
stupid to see it. And the girl next door, the one I had known all my life had
betrayed me to a father who would never accept me. And Dan, Dan had left me! He
was dead, and I hated him for it. He left me, just like my brothers.

But suddenly, my brothers were all I could think of. I had come to the
conclusion a while back that my parents had somehow driven them away. Now I
was certain of it. I started to ask myself questions, like where were they?
Why couldn' t they have stayed? Would they hate me too, if they knew the
truth about me?  I needed to find out.

I'm not really sure how I got out of the house that night. I remember a lot
of pain was involved and my mother was screaming at me.  I thought of going to
Nicky's house, but my father would find me there. So I thought of my brothers
again, and then I remembered something. I wondered why I hadn't thought of it
before.

Gina Leto. She had been Tony's girlfriend practically all through high
school.  They had been really good friends too, and if he still kept in
touch with anyone, it would be Gina. I happened to know that she had gotten
married recently, and lived just on the other side of town.

I managed to drive without getting into a wreck, which was a miracle because
my left ankle was throbbing and I could hardly see out of my right eye, but I
made it to her house just as it was getting dark. The last thing I remember
that night was the shocked faces of both Gina and her new husband when I
collapsed right on her front porch.

I woke up sometime the next morning, in a hospital. I had a few broken ribs,
a concussion, a sprained ankle and a dislocated shoulder, and the doctors had
all kinds of questions. I didn't answer any of them. Then there were police,
wanting to know what happened. I didn't tell. My parents never came to see me.

It was sometime that afternoon when I woke up to find someone holding my
hand, blue eyes gazing at me worriedly, eyes I hadn't seen in three years.
It could have been one of two people, but I didn't have to ask. I already
new, and I burst into tears right then and there. It was the first time I
had cried since my brothers left.

"Tony," I sobbed.

My big brother leaned over the bed and gathered me into his arms as gently as
possible and I held onto him for dear life.

"Shh." He hushed me, "It's okay, we're here. Let it out, bro."

I suddenly felt another hand touching my shoulder on the opposite side of the
bed and glanced up to see Chris, the mirror image of Tony, also worried, his
eyes red and tired, but he was still there. My brother's were there. I grabbed
Chris's hand and cried harder as he sat on the bed and hugged me too.

Apparently Gina had done the right thing. She had contacted my brothers, not
my parents, and I was grateful for it. After three years I had my brothers
with me and I lost all feeling of being angry with them for leaving me. After I
had calmed down, Tony was holding my hand again, sitting on the bed as Chris
paced the room, demanding that the nurses give me something for the pain before
he decided to do it himself. I told him that I was fine before he decided to
raid the hospital pharmacy, so he then took up residence on the other side of
me and switched gears rather quickly.

"Owen," Chris said to me, "You gotta tell us what happened, bro."

All of a sudden my panic was back. My brothers didn't know about me. I was
going to have to tell them and I was terrified of their reaction. My eyes began
to tear up all over again. Tony saw it and squeezed my hand.

"It's alright Owen." Tony insisted after sending our other brother a sharp
look that clearly told him to `back off.' "You're safe with us. You can tell
us. Did dad do this?"

I hesitantly nodded and heard Chris curse beside me. He was squeezing my hand
a little too hard and I flinched. Chris immediately released his grip and
gave my good shoulder a comforting squeeze.

"What happened?" Tony asked gently.

"I fucked up." I croaked. "It's all my fault Tony, I really fucked up."

"Bullshit." Chris said, forcing me to look at him with his matter of fact
tone. "Owen, I'm telling you right now, whatever it is, you didn't deserve this
and that fucker"

"Chris!" Tony cut him off and then turned his attention back to me, as Chris
suddenly left the side of the bed and began to pace again. "Owen, Chris is
right, whatever it is, you didn't deserve this. We need to know what happened."

I felt myself pulling my hand away from Tony as I thought over the last
twenty-four hours. Tony sensed that there was something wrong when I pulled away,
but he still let me.

"I'm gay." I said it very quietly, pleading with my eyes as I stared at
Tony, searching for his reaction when there was none to be found. "Dad found out,
and" I sobbed again. I swear I was turning into a blubbering idiot. I had
never cried so much before in my life.

I stared at Tony through my tears, needing him to say something, but he just
stared at me with a distinct sadness in his eyes, so I looked at Chris, who
had stopped pacing, his body had gone rigged and I was afraid again, waiting for
him to reject me. And then my worst fears repeated themselves when Chris
suddenly stormed out of the room. Chris hated me too.

Chris's sudden departure only made me cry harder and I found myself
desperately reaching for Tony's hand again.

"Tony please! Please don't hate me!"

I was surprised by his immediate reaction. He latched onto my hand and leaned
close, his eyes reddening with emotions of his own as he quickly shook his
head.

"We don't hate you Owen." He said quickly, "Never. It's okay, I swear."

"But Chris" I glanced towards the door.

"Chris doesn't hate you." Tony stated, "He's just mad at dad, I swear."

"No, he hates me." I said dejectedly. "But I can't help it Tony, I'm gay!"

"Owen, I'm gay."

That little piece of information seemed to bring everything to a stand still.
I stopped crying, stopped thinking, and lie there stupidly gaping at my
brother.

"Look," Tony sighed, obviously aware that I had temporarily lost the ability
to form proper sentences. "I don't know how much you know about what
happened when Chris and I left, but that was the reason. Dad found out and you can
figure out how he reacted. Chris was with me then, and when I left, so did he.
Dad and I got into it pretty good, I'm sure you remember that much. It was
after mom took you away when Chris got into it with dad. I swear I thought they
were going to kill each other. Chris was so mad at him for saying all of the
things he did to me and well, he walked away just now because now we're both
reliving it with you. We don't hate you Owe."

"You're gay?" I asked incredulously

Tony managed to crack a small smile.

"Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I never really got the chance. Chris
and I, we tried to see you after that. We wanted to explain what was going
on, but dad sent us a restraining order. We tried to send you a few letters
too, but I'm guessing you never got those either." he said sadly.

I shook my head and he squeezed my hand again. That's about the time when
Chris came back in. I stared at him for only a second before he was at my
side again, taking my hand from Tony. I also realized that my more carefree
and tough brother had been crying.

"I'm so sorry Owe," Chris said, "We never should have left you there, I'm
so sorry."

I reached up and hugged Chris hard, and for a few minutes we stayed like that
until I suddenly felt very tired and Chris reluctantly backed away, but they
were both really close, and we all just stared at each other for a few moments
in silence as I tried to comprehend everything I had just learned, and my
eyes fell on Tony again.

"You're really gay?"

They both laughed at me.

"Oh, he is so gay." Chris remarked.

"But what about Gina?" I asked Tony, "You were with Gina for like forever!"

My brothers exchanged knowing looks with each other, and then smiled at me
again.

"Actually Owe," Chris said, "I was the one dating Gina. She knew about Tony
too, and agreed to pose as his girlfriend for mom and dad, but I was the one
dating her. Chris and I would have even switched places whenever she was over,
I would pretend to be him with Gina while mom and dad were around, but it
wouldn't have worked with you around. You could always tell us apart anyways."

"That's why you always saw me with Gina." Tony continued, "it's not that I
didn't trust you Owen, but we did it so mom and dad wouldn't find out."

I lifted my hand and held my head. I couldn't believe this. Tony was gay.
Somehow things seemed to make sense now. My brother's didn't abandon me. My
parents had kept us apart. For three years. I was on the verge of tears
again, and then panic gripped me. My parents could keep us apart again and
when I looked at them, they knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Oh god!" I cried.

Chris and Tony were instantly at my side again.

"Shh,." Chris insisted, "don't you worry about a thing."

"But what am I going to do?" I demanded, "Dad"

"You let us handle it Owen." Tony interrupted, "he's not getting anywhere
near you."

"Damn straight." Chris growled, a little louder than necessary, which earned
him another admonishing look from Tony. Chris lowered his voice, but the
anger was still there. "He won't get near you Owe."

"And we're not going anywhere." Tony promised, "Now you get some rest."

"That's right." Chris smiled, "You let your big bros take care of
everything."

I stared up at them helplessly. I didn't want to cry anymore, but my eyes
weren't cooperating.

"So much has happened." I shook my head, "I don't know"

Tony touched my shoulder and smiled reassuringly, even if it was a sad smile.

"It's okay Owen." Tony insisted, "You just rest. We'll have plenty of time
to talk later."

Somehow, I ended up falling asleep right after Tony suggested it, but I
really didn't want to. I was afraid to go to sleep in a way, like I didn't
want to miss something important. I was almost afraid that the next time I
woke up, my brothers would be gone. I wasn't sure I could handle that, not
after everything. But I fell asleep anyways, a fretful sleep as thoughts of
Dan swarmed through my mind.

Dan was dead. The day before he had died, and it was like I was just now
fully realizing it. I knew that he was gone, but a part of me still expected to
see him again. I had never really lost someone like that before, not someone I
was close to, and when I thought about Dan's parents too, it was almost too
much to handle. I woke up crying well into the afternoon.

Chris wasn't there, but Tony was. He hadn't left me and he explained that
Chris had just gone to find something to eat other than hospital food. I hadn't
eaten much, but I couldn't blame Chris. He never really did like hospitals.
Unlike me, Chris had spent a lot of time in hospitals. I was too young to fully
understand what was happening back then, but I remember Chris's best friend
when he was fourteen ended up with cancer. He died in a hospital and Chris was
with him a lot. It was the one thing I remember that he and Tony never really
did together.

I wished that Chris was there with me when I woke up, but I had Tony, and
over the next hour everything came out. I told Tony all about Dan, everything
that had led up to my confrontation with dad and how I ended up at Gina's. And
Tony just let me get it out as I watched the different emotions play over his
face. He was truly sad for me, and angry I think too, but not at me. It seemed
like the same anger Chris had had earlier, and regret that they had left me.

But Tony was better at dealing with his anger than Chris. Tony was always the
level headed one. He knew how to keep me calm, and it worked, and by the time
I was once again, all cried out, Chris was back, but his expression looked
kind of grim. He pulled Tony aside and it scared the hell out of me, especially
when they came back, because I immediately knew that my parents were somehow
involved.

It was Chris who moved to talk to me this time, with Tony hovering over me. I
stared at Chris, the serious expression on his face spinning my stomach into
knots as I said the one word we were all thinking.

"Dad?" I squeaked out.

"Hey," Chris forced a smile, "Don't you worry about him Owen. He wont hurt
you, never again, but we do need to talk."

"Please don't make me go back there!" I practically begged, and it had both
my brothers holding onto me in a second.

"Not gonna happen." Tony stated.

"Look Owe," Chris said, "I went to see them today, mom and dad it wasn't
very pretty, but the police are still asking questions about what happened. We
can't tell them Owen. And it's a damn shame too, dad should really get what he
deserves for this." he clenched his fist out of anger for a second, but then
turned back to me with a small smile, "But at least now we have something to
hold over him, Owen. If we don't tell the police what happened, dad's gonna
let you go."

"Let me go?" I didn't fully understand what that meant, but I liked the
sound of it.

"Yeah." Tony grinned, "You're coming home with us, Owen. For good."

That was just over two months ago. The transition wasn't as easy as I had
thought it might be. I spent some time in the hospital. Gina came to visit
a few times, but other than her and my brothers, no one else did. Not even
Nicky.  That hurt too. I felt like he had abandoned me, just like everyone
else. He wasn' t really my friend like he said he was. maybe he never had
been.

I couldn't go to the funeral for Dan and his parents, but Tony went for me.
He said that it was a nice service and some of the people there from Dan's
family had heard of me and hoped I got well soon. I wasn't sure what to
think of that.

Then, there were a few classmates there too. Nicky wasn't there, but some
other kids were, who recognized Tony, and pretty much let him know that
everyone knew about me now, around school. I guess I had Anna to thank for
that too. It also explained why Nicky never came to see me. I guess he was
okay with having a gay best friend as long as no one else knew about it.

It was probably better that I wasn't going back there.

The rest of my stay in the hospital was a blur to me. Chris brought a
councilor to see me when he and Tony both thought I might be shutting down,
and they were right. I didn't talk much to the councilor. My brother's
seemed to understand though, so they let me grieve in my own way while they
took care of every other arrangement on their own.

I'm not sure how they did it, but they managed to get all of my things from
my parents' house. Undamaged. They even got my truck, a black Mazda that had
belonged to Chris before he moved away. Chris left a day early with my things
and drove everything to my new home, two towns away. Tony brought me home the
next day, and I've tried not to look back since.

It was strange, getting to know my brothers all over again. They seemed to be
doing well for themselves. They lived in a nice building that contained four
apartments. We were on the second floor, and there were three bedrooms. One
had been an office, but Chris fixed it up for me before I got there. It really
was a nice place, open, and something about it just said `freedom.' But I
spent most of my time in my new room, except for when I had to go to a new school.
I had a lot to catch up on, so I was buried in homework anyways, and I sort
of didn't mind it. I had always been a good student, and schoolwork was a good
distraction.

But I was also locking myself away from the world, from people. I couldn't
trust people. I didn't make an effort to.

I also learned a few things that I didn't know before. A grandmother that I
had never met, my mom's mother, had left each of us a small inheritance, but I
couldn't touch it until I was twenty-one. The important thing I guess, was
that my father couldn't touch it. I already knew that he couldn't touch the
college fund my own parents had set up for me, I could get that when I turned
eighteen, so I guess I didn't have to worry about school.

Chris and Tony had opened up a club called the `Shadow' and Tony was going
to college while Chris managed the club. They both seemed well off, and the
club was doing great. It was eighteen and over, but I guess knowing the owners
gave me special privileges because I ended up working there on weekends doing
grunt work. But I sort of liked it. I got to be near my brothers and it earned
me enough money to keep my car.

Both Chris and Tony said that I didn't have to work, they wanted me to focus
on school, but I decided that I could do both. Besides, I didn't want to be a
burden on them. After seeing the way they live, I couldn't help wondering if
having their kid brother around cramped their style. As it was, they seemed to
have friends but never invited anyone over if I was home. I guess they didn't
want to crowd me. I felt bad for that, but they never let on that it was a
problem for them. They were giving me time and I was grateful for it.

I guess things were going pretty well for me, being away from my parents,
but that doesn't mean that they were easy. I still had trouble making
friends, and I was only a shadow of my former self, both mentally, and
physically. I had lost a lot of weight in those few months. I still had the
natural family build, with the broad shoulders. We were just built bigger,
I was no acceptation.  But I could see my ribs now, and for some reason I
became very self-conscious of my looks.

I had never thought that I could hold a candle to either one of my
brothers, but I have been told that I look like them. I have the same
blonde hair, but I kept mine short and kind of spiky, and my eyes were a
lighter shade of blue.  I had the same straight nose, and I still do, I
guess my father avoided breaking it. I wouldn't call myself unattractive, I
have had my share of compliments, and I always thought my looks had
something to do with making friends as easily as I did. Friends had never
been a problem before, I always had them.  Until now.

But I really didn't want friends. I tried to blend into the background as
much as possible, and I tried to do everything I could to stay unnoticed by
attempting to appear as normal as possible. I let my hair grow out a little and
just combed it straight, with bangs. It was the worst hairstyle I ever had, but
it seemed to do the trick. I thought it made me look plain enough, that and my
dark, background clothes, baggy clothes that I never wore before helped me
feel hidden. It was a switch from the colors and jerseys and letter jackets I
wore before.

This change had not gone unnoticed by my brothers, who didn't believe that I
had changed that much in four years, mostly because they had been checking in
on me in small ways, buying my school yearbooks, asking old friends about me.
It was really very touching to know that they had cared, and the apartment was
filled with pictures of the three of us when we were younger.

But now my brothers were worried because I had no desire for a social life.
But they also left me alone about it for the most part, because my grades were
good and I kept insisting that I was all right, and didn't want to talk about
it.

So there I was, a month into a new school. But it might as well have been the
first day, because in many ways, it was the day my life started over again. I
was, for the most part, successfully blending into the background. Lunch was
almost over and I was sitting around under an oak tree with my `acquaintances,'
 listening to a couple of the girls talk about a dance coming up, which none
of them had dates for. I think they were throwing around hints. But the guys
weren't interested; they were trying to tell me about some great weed they got
a hold of last weekend and how I should join them next time.

They were always inviting me, but I never went. I didn't smoke pot anyways. I
wondered if I looked like I did. Oh well, these people hung around me at
lunch and I neither confirmed nor denied that I was anything like them.

It was about ten minutes before the bell rang for the next period when a
disturbance caught my eye on the other side of the courtyard. I probably
wouldn't have paid much attention to it, except it was a someone who
happened to catch my eye. I mean, maybe I was a loner who didn't want
friends, but that didn't mean that I didn't notice people, especially a few
hot guys once in a while.  This one in particular.

He wasn't in any of my classes, but I had seen him around, always with a
camera strapped around his neck. He took pictures for the yearbook; I knew that
much, and I was pretty sure he was a year older than me, a senior.

I always thought that it was ironic, that he ended up behind a camera when
he had a face that definitely belonged in front of it. He was probably
better looking than my brothers. He had a mysterious way about him. While
he was attractive and dressed nice, he had these great dark eyes that never
seemed to give away what he was thinking. His dark hair was longer, and
always tied back and it seemed to give him an unapproachable image, that
and the confident way he carried himself.

I had noticed right away that girls were always all over him, but most guys
kept their distance. At least until now they seemed to. Now, Dennis Gordon had
turned the camera guy into a target. I had seen Dennis around too. He was
captain of the football team and all around bully. He was in my gym class, and I
hated him from the beginning, but while he liked to pick on some of the guys
who I hung around with at lunch, he tended to leave me alone. That was probably
the smart thing for him to do. Maybe I wasn't what I used to be physically,
but I'm sure most of the anger I carried around made up for that, and that
theory was proved right that day.

Dennis had somehow managed to break camera guy's camera, and from the looks
of things, it wasn't an accident. Camera guy looked pretty pissed. He also
looked ready to take on half the football team, which completely shocked me.

He and Dennis were already shoving each other back and forth when I
noticed, and I was sure that if security didn't break things up soon there
would be blows exchanged. I had no intention of getting involved. None of
my business. But then this girl, Rachel, it think her name was, noticed and
pointed towards the disturbance.

"It's Dennis again." she remarked.

Adam, the one acquaintance who I had probably warmed to the most, a wiry boy
with unruly brown hair looked in the direction and shook his head. Whatever he
saw seemed to interest him because he perked right up.

"Oh, awesome!" he beamed, "That's Aiden Knightly! He is so going to kick
Dennis's ass. Good. Fucker will get what he deserves." It wasn't surprising to
hear Adam say this; he was usually the brunt of Dennis's jokes.

"Not with all those jocks there to back Dennis up." another guy, Shane,
pointed out.

I looked again. So camera guy's name was Aiden.

"You know him?" I asked to no one in particular, "that Aiden guy?"

Everyone seemed to look at me then. I didn't usually take an interest in
anyone, even the people around me, and I think I caught a few people off guard.

"What?" I asked.

Adam smiled and shook his head.

"Yeah dude." Adam said, "He's a pretty cool guy, friends with my sister."

I didn't know that Adam had a sister. Not knowing really didn't surprise me
though. Like I said, never really made a point to get to know any of these
people. I wasn't going to ask about Aiden anymore either. I turned my attention
elsewhere, not really caring about the fight anymore, but then something
happened.

I heard Dennis spit out the word `faggot.' There was nothing significant
about it this time I suppose. Guys like Dennis said it all the time. But
the last time I heard it in such a violent confrontation was when my father
used it while kicking the shit out of me. He had asked me repeatedly, "You
still a fagot boy?" and when I refused to deny it the next blow would
come. Now Dennis was using that word.

It was strange. I felt that sensation, you know the one, when all of the
blood seems to rush to your head and you just react. I reacted. It was like
I suddenly came out of where I had been hiding all this time and brought
all of that old anger with me.

I jumped up rather abruptly and headed towards the fight, leaving some
bewildered acquaintances to follow me. Adam was the first to catch up and
he grabbed my arm.

"Dude, what are you doing?" he demanded.

I wordlessly shook him off. I had no idea what I was thinking, only what I
was feeling, and I was about to let it out without thinking. I got there just
after Dennis threw the first punch and Aiden took it in the shoulder. Aiden hit
back, but was interrupted by some other jock taking him from behind.

I didn't even think, I grabbed onto the guy behind Aiden and threw him off
like a rag doll. I was sort of surprised by my own strength for a second there,
and it seemed to distract me from the fist that came at my face. I took a good
hit in the right eye, but the sting brought me right back into reality and I
started hitting back. That's when all hell seemed to break loose.

I hardly even noticed Aiden fighting next to me, or that Adam and Shane had
jumped in, as small as they were, to back me up. I no longer cared, this was my
fight, and I wanted to get to Dennis. I don't know why him, but I wanted him.

I had just reached him when I heard the whistle blow somewhere from behind,
and Dennis took no time before throwing his fists at me. It didn't do much
good. He was bigger than me, but I had adrenaline and a bad attitude on my
side and I let it out on him. I knocked him down pretty easily. But I
didn't stop there. I grabbed his shirt to lift him up and I hit him twice
more before I felt a strong pair of arms grab me from behind and pull me
off.

I immediately began to struggle, not that it did much good, as I suddenly
realized that there were security guards and teachers breaking things up
and screaming at people. I put it together in my head that the person
holding me meant no harm, but I still wanted them off. That's when Adam
appeared in front of me with a bloody nose. I couldn't remember him joining
the fight and realization hit me as he cautiously put a hand on my
shoulder.

"Dude, what the hell?" Adam said, "It's over man, what the hell happened?"

I had no idea what happened, so obviously I didn't have an answer for him. I
glanced behind me; surprised to see the one holding me was no other than
camera guy. He seemed taller than I was now, being so close, maybe a few inches
taller than me. His hair had fallen loose in places and he had a bloody lip, but
no other noticeable damage that I could see, although, he looked particularly
annoyed.

I silently put my hands up in defeat, but he didn't let me go until he looked
to make sure Dennis was gone. Oddly enough as soon as he let me go I wanted
him holding me again, and not because he was hot. It was because I didn't trust
myself all of a sudden, and those arms seemed a safe place to be to avoid
further trouble.

I watched as camera guy picked up his broken camera, and then shot me a
dirty look that I couldn't understand before he was hauled off to the
principals office. I watched after him for a moment and then looked at Adam
when I felt his hand on my shoulder again.

"Don't worry about him." Adam laughed as he watched Aiden go, "He's just
pissed that you stole his thunder, that's all." then he turned to me and
grinned, "Dude, that was fucking awesome! Where the fuck did you learn to
fight like that?"

I never answered. Didn't want to. Didn't have the chance to. We were the
next ones to be carted off to the principal's office. So much for staying
out of trouble and keeping to myself. But hey, at least I kept to my word
about making friends. I doubt having it out with the captain of the
football team earned me very many of those.

comments/suggestions send them to DomLuka@aol.com