Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2013 11:44:05 -0700 From: B.E. Kelley Subject: The Peace Within Chapter 10 This story is a work of FICTION. The events described are my own invention. Any similarities to actual events or persons are strictly coincidental. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original story. You may not publish it or any part of it without my explicit authorization. This story contains depictions of consensual sexual acts between teenage males. It is intended for mature audiences only. If you find this type of material offensive or if you are under the legal age to read said material; please proceed no further. Comments are always welcome at: hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com The Peace Within Chapter 10 I didn't sleep well that night. Lately I've been able to go right back to sleep, after my nightmares, but my visit with grandpa really hurt. I found myself missing Patton more and more. When I got to school the next day, I guess Marshall could read the look on my face, he came up to me, outside of my English class, took one look and hugged me. It wasn't one of those "bro" kind of hugs, where the guy puts his arm around you and slaps you on the back, no, Marshall held me for a second and cradled me in his arms. "What was that all about?" I asked, when he was done. "You looked like you needed it," said Marshall, "rough night?" "Kinda," I nodded. "I have an idea, why don't we blow off first period?" said Marshall. "You mean ditch?" I asked. "We'll call it taking a personal day," Marshall grinned. I thought about it for a minute, I'd never ditched school before, if I just did it this once, what could be the harm? "Yeah, ok, I guess we could do that," I agreed. "Cool, you'll have to drive though," Marshall grinned, "my car's in the shop all week." "Oh, ok," I replied, "were should we go?" "It's early, I'm hungry, let's go for breakfast, how about Rick's on 5?" said Marshall. "Sure, I could eat," I agreed. We walked out to my car and ran into Henry and Lee along the way. We didn't talk long, they both looked surprised when I told them I was ditching school. Marshall and I climbed into the Volvo and I pulled out of the parking lot. "I like your SUV, it's much nicer then my car," said Marshall, "I've got a little Civic and it blows in the snow." "Yeah, we were lucky, my mom decided to give me and Patton the Volvo so she could get a Porsche," I explained. "Awesome, does she ever let you drive it?" asked Marshall. "I can't drive stick, besides, she told us when she first got it, that if we even looked at it funny, she'd "get," us," I laughed. It was a quick drive to Rick's on 5, there is usually a line out the door on weekends, but as it was a Monday, after the morning rush, we got seated immediately. We both ordered coffee, loaded it down with cream and sugar, then waited for our breakfast to arrive. "So what's bugging you?" asked Marshall, over his coffee mug. "I went to visit my grandpa at the rest home yesterday, he has Alzheimer's and he likes it when I read to him," I started. "That's really nice, my grandma's in a raisin ranch over in Greenwich, I don't visit as much as she'd like me to," said Marshall. "Well, I didn't used to visit much either, that was Patton's thing, but now that he's gone, I've been trying to go once a week. The problem is grandpa forgets everything and I have to remind him that Patton's dead. Every time I have to say it, it's like pulling the band-aide off the wound, you know what I mean?" I asked. "Yeah, every time you tell him, it's like it's happening all over again for you," said Marshall. "That's what it's like," I nodded. "That really sucks, I don't know what to say," said Marshall. "Where were you that day?" I asked. "When the shooting started?" asked Marshall, "I was in art, Mr. Waverly's class." "Did you see or hear anything?" I asked. "We heard the gun shots, then the fire alarm started going off," said Marshall, "shit, I thought it was firecrackers at first." "I heard everything," I stated. "What do you mean?" asked Marshall. "Patton called me from the library." "No way!" Marshall exclaimed. I don't know what compelled me to open up to him, but once I started, I couldn't stop. "I was sick that day, I was home in bed and the phone started ringing. I picked it up and I could hear the fire alarm, and Patton told me something exploded and there were gun shots," I explained. "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to," said Marshall. "He stood up to Carter, told him to leave everyone alone, that they hadn't done anything to him," I sniffled, "and you know what Carter said?" "No," said Marshall, practically whispering. "Fuck off you jock douchebag! And then he shot him, he shot Patton and when he was done he shot that girl and the bastards laughed. Every time I go to sleep, I relive it in my head," I had tears running down my cheeks now. "Ok, I've got French toast and bacon and a ham and cheese omelet, who gets what?" said our waitress, then she saw my tears, "honey, are you ok?" "He's alright, and the French toast is his, the omelet's mine," said Marshall, getting rid of her. "Parker, I'm so sorry you had to hear all of that but if you look at the bright side, at least you got to talk to him before he died," Marshall reasoned. "He said he loved me," I sniffled. "Of course he did, you guys are twins, he probably loved you more than anyone," said Marshall, he put his hand on top of mine and held it. "Thanks," I nodded, when I'd composed myself. I appreciated how Marshall had said "are twins," rather than were. "Listen, we don't have to go back to school after breakfast, if anyone is entitled to a day off, you are, why don't we go down to Old Saybrook, spend the day at the beach?" said Marshall. "Yeah, you know, I think I'd like that," I smiled. Marshall smiled back at me and dug into his omelet. I've started to love his smile, it's such a happy expression, he doesn't hide anything with that smile, you can tell exactly what he's thinking when he flashes it at you. His eyes are beautiful too, they're green and sparkly and so innocent. I don't know why it's taken me so long to realize how special Marshall is, or how special my feelings are for him. I wish I understood why I was so far behind my peers when it came to sex but for the moment, I was content to enjoy the day with my special buddy. It took an hour to drive from Wallingford to Old Saybrook and Marshall talked the entire time. It wasn't like his usual talking, he wasn't telling bad jokes, but I do think he was trying to entertain me. I was grateful for his antics, it took my mind off the deep conversation we'd had at the diner and what can I say, he was so cute when he was being animated. When we got to Old Saybrook, we wandered around town for a while, had some ice cream and then drove over to the beach. Marshall grabbed his backpack and pulled a soccer ball out. "I figured since we're going to miss practice, we might kick this around the beach," he smiled. "You always carry a soccer ball in your bag?" I asked. "Yes," said Marshall, seriously. It was late May now, school would be out soon and the weather was turning hot. It was hot that day, after a few minutes on the beach, Marshall took off his t-shirt and tossed it in the sand. He looked radiant, his blond hair glowed in the sun, his body was lithe and toned, his pecs were well defined and his torso tapered towards his waist. My abs were tighter but that's only from swimming, it's the best exercise for you. He was wearing a belt but Marshall's shorts hug a little low on his hips, his grey Calvin Klein underwear stuck out a bit and I couldn't help but think he'd look amazing if his shorts happened to fall off. This was a new experience for me, I'd never examined another boy so closely before but it was definitely having an effect. I hope Marshall didn't notice me adjusting my shorts. I guess I was a little distracted because Marshall kicked the ball towards me and it went sailing behind me. I ran after it and when I turned to come back, he was right behind me. He must have run because he was panting. "We better get back," said Marshall. I looked at my watch, it was after 2pm, school got out in an hour, it took an hour to drive back and people might notice we were gone. "Yeah, I was having so much fun that I lost track of time," I replied. Marshall tucked his t-shirt into his back pocket and then put his arm around my shoulder as we walked to the car. I savored that touch, it was warm and he even smelled nice. I thought about what Peter said, about how I should approach Marshall and ask him if he might have deeper feelings for me then just friendship. I was nervous about it, I was enjoying the time I was spending with him and I didn't want to say the wrong thing and blow it. I resolved to wait for the right opening. We talked all the way back to Wallingford and that made the trip seem much faster. We drove past Bartlett Academy, school was out and we spotted a number of our peers. We thought about going to practice but decided against it, we had classes with our teammates, we'd be inviting too many questions and didn't want Coach Riley to find out we'd ditched. Instead we went over to Marshall's house, he's an only child and his parents were at work, so we had the place to ourselves. Marshall got noticeably quiet as we entered his home. He guided me to the family room and I took a seat on the coach, I sat at one end, then he sat right next to me. I thought that was a little strange, you'd think he'd sit at the other end, but no, he was right next to me, our knees were touching. "I know everyone thinks I talk too much and that my sense of humor makes me kind of an ass but..." he began. "I don't think that," I interrupted. "Please, just let me get through this," said Marshall, he was speaking softly and looking down at his feet. "Ok." "People think that about me but it's not true, I just do that so no one looks at me to hard, so no one figures out what I really am," said Marshall. "Uh, what are you?" I asked. "I don't want to freak you out, Parker, but, well, I'm gay and um, I kinda, sorta, um, like you," Marshall choked out. It was quiet for a second, it took me a moment to process what he said. Here I was looking for an opening to tell him I was interested in him and he'd done the heavy lifting himself. "Marshall, I kind of like you too," I smiled. "You do?" he replied, his head snapping up and his green eyes boring into me. "I do," I stated, then put my hand on top of his, "this is all really new to me, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you but then you just opened up to me." His smile was brighter then I'd seen it before. "Ok, so, this is awesome, I thought you might get up and leave, or call me a faggot and tell me to drop dead," said Marshall. "Marsh, I'd never do that, you're a really special friend and I've developed some pretty strong feelings for you," I admitted, "and um, you're really cute too." "You think I'm cute?" Marshall smiled and blushed. "I think you're very cute," I blushed back. "Would it be alright if I kissed you?" he asked, shyly. "Ok," I whispered. Marshall leaned forward and I met him in the middle. His eyes looked deep into mine, his are so beautiful, I love that shade of green, and he has such a pretty face. We closed our eyes at the same time and leaned in to kiss, only to bash our noses together. "Ouch," I groaned. "Shit that hurt," said Marshall, "let's try that again but this time keep our eyes open until our lips meet." "Yeah, good idea," I giggled. We tried again and this time our lips met instead of our noses. His lips were soft but tight, I think mine were too, something wasn't quite right. "Not bad, but I was a little nervous, can we try again?" asked Marshall. "Sure, I was nervous too," I admitted. The next kiss was perfect, it was soft and sweet, I felt a little of his breath escape and I inhaled his essence. "Wow," I muttered, when we pulled apart. "That was nice," Marshall smiled, "do you wanna do some more, I mean..." I didn't let him finish, I put my lips back against his and put my arms around his shoulders. It took him a second to get comfortable but then he put his arms around my waist and we really started to make out. I felt Marshall's tongue brush across my lips, then I parted my lips just a fraction and stuck my tongue out too. Our tongues met, it was a new sensation, so we both pulled back, then went at it with gusto. I sucked on his tongue and he sucked on mine, our hands probed and caressed each other, then Marshall leaned forward, gently pushing me on my back. We're both good sized boys but there was room on the couch for us to lie facing each other while we kissed. Marshall moved his hand down to my hip, he rested it there for a moment, then he stroked up and down my torso. I placed my hand against his cheek and stroked his face, then his neck. I had my hand on his chest, I was rubbing the firm muscles and then he reached down and put his hand on my thigh. I don't know what happened then but I started picturing my cousin Kevin. I shook it off, it was just brief flashes at first, I couldn't figure out why he would come into my mind while I was making out with the cutest boy in the world. Marshall moved his hand higher on my thigh, he was getting closer to my crotch and I sensed that he wanted to touch me there. He rubbed my thigh, then moved his hand up to my stomach, he rubbed my stomach and his hand went lower. When Marshall's fingers came to rest at my waist, gently pulling at my belt, I saw Kevin again. I couldn't see what he was doing, but he was smiling and giggling. I felt Marshall move his hand gently over the front of my pants, he was about to grope me when I heard my voice, my 8 year old voice, telling Kevin, NO! "NO!" I exclaimed. Marshall pulled back from me so fast that he rolled off the couch and landed on his butt. "Parker, I-I'm sorry," he spluttered, "I thought you were having fun and I..." "I have to go, I've got to go right now," I stated and rose to my feet. "Please stay, I didn't mean to do that, I just got carried away," said Marshall. "I-I can't I have to get home," I spluttered. "I'm so sorry," said Marshall, he had tears in his eyes. Marshall's state calmed me down a little. I wasn't sure what had just happened but I know one thing, it wasn't his fault. I didn't want to ruin things with him, my God, being with him and what had been happening between us, well, he's the best thing in my life right now. "Marsh, it's not your fault, please don't cry," I whispered and put my hand on his shoulder. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just got carried away, I'm sorry," he whimpered. "I promise it wasn't your fault," I stated. "Will you stay, we can just talk," he offered. "I can't, I have to go home, but Marshall?" "Yeah?" he asked, hopefully. "I'll be very sad to leave you and I can't wait until the next time I see you," I explained. "Ok," said Marshall, he gave me a weak smile and wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. "I'm so sorry I upset you," I stated then kissed him on the cheek. "It's ok," he sniffled, "you better get going or I won't be able to let you go." I gave him one last hug, to reassure him that he hadn't done anything wrong, then I got out of there and sped home. Mom's car was in the driveway when I pulled up to the house, I could smell dinner cooking when I came into the kitchen. I said hello, told her I'd had a good day, then went up to my room. I couldn't relax, I couldn't figure out why, just when things were getting hot and heavy with Marshall, I thought about Kevin. I haven't seen Kevin in years, he died in Iraq and we went to his funeral but I didn't feel anything about it, I hardly knew him. This was all very strange and I couldn't figure it out. I ate dinner with my family but as soon as we finished, I excused myself and went back to my room. I tried to purge thoughts of Kevin from my mind by thinking of my day with Marshall. It had been a perfect day, it got off to a rocky start but we went to the beach, we had fun kicking the ball around and then we opened up to each other and made out. While I thought about making out with Marshall, I started to get hard, I unbuttoned and unzipped my shorts, then started to rub myself through my boxerbriefs. When I was fully erect, I kicked my shorts off and started to pull down my underwear, that's when I froze. We were 8 years old when my aunt and uncle came from California to visit us, with their 15 year old son, Kevin. Uncle Alex was Dad's brother, he moved out to California for college and stayed there when he graduated. Dad was happy to see his brother and the first weekend they were there, the grown-ups decided to go out for dinner and see a show. Kevin was left in charge of me, Patton and Patrick, who was only4 at the time. It was an uneventful evening, Kevin played with us, got us pizza for dinner and made sure we all brushed our teeth and put on our pajamas. Kevin put Patrick to bed at 8, but Patton and I were allowed to stay up until 9:30. Patton never made it all the way to 9:30 and sure enough, he fell asleep while we were watching TV with our cousin. I could see the whole scene in my head, Patton was curled up on his side of the couch in his white t-shirt and red pajama bottoms with the puppy dogs on them, I was on the other side, dressed the same, only my jammy's were blue with teddy bears on them. Kevin sat between us. "Looks like he's konked out," said Kevin, gesturing at Patton. "Patton never stays up," I replied. "I guess that means there's only one victim for the tickle monster," Kevin grinned, then he attacked me. He tickled my ribs and under my arms, I was twisting, giggling and writhing, but he wouldn't stop. I was panting so hard for breath that I thought my heart was going to pop, just when I couldn't take it anymore, he stopped. I lie there, trying to catch my breath, and Kevin started to untie the drawstring in my pajama bottoms. "Hey, what are you doing?" I asked him. "I just want to have a look," Kevin smiled, then he pulled my bottoms down to my knees, exposing my little white briefs. "Hey, don't do that," I blushed. "Why not, I just want to see what my cute little cousin has to offer," Kevin grinned then he cupped my balls. "NO!" I exclaimed, and slapped his hands away. "What's the matter Parker, don't you like me?" he asked. "Mommy and daddy said no one is supposed to touch me there," I scolded him. "They were talking about strangers, we're family," said Kevin, then he groped me again. I let out a little squeal, that made him laugh, but he kept touching me. I was only 8, he was a big boy, he was my cousin and he was in charge, I didn't know what I could do. When he tired of fondling my little package, he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, then had me sit on his lap. I felt something poking me in the behind, he kept flexing his hips and after a while, he let out a low groan and the thrusting stopped. I didn't know what happened but he pulled up my jammys and retied my drawstring. "That's our little secret, right?" said Kevin. "Yeah, ok," I agreed, not sure what else to do. I wanted to tell mom and dad what happened, despite what Kevin said, what he did to me felt wrong. I cried when I thought about it and tried to be brave, but I was afraid mommy and daddy would punish me for being a bad boy. Oh how I wish I told on him. Two nights later, I woke up in the night and heard sound's coming from Patton's bed, we still shared a room at that time. There was moaning and muffled voices, but I couldn't figure out what was going on. When it was over, and the noises stopped, someone tall got out of Patton's bed, when he opened the door, I could see that it was Kevin. "Nighty night boys," said Kevin, then he shut the door and left. A moment later, Patton climbed into my bed and put his arms around me. He hugged me so tight, I thought I was going to burst, he was also crying. "Patton what's a matter?" I asked. "He did stuff to me, you know, my privates," Patton sniffled. I felt terrible, I knew I should have told someone what happened to me but I didn't and now look what happened, he hurt Patton too. "I'm sorry Patton," I was crying now too. "Why are you sorry?" he asked. "Cause he did something to me the other night and I didn't tell mommy and daddy," I explained. "It's not your fault, I don't wanna tell anyone," Patton sniffled. "But we gotta tell now, he did it to both of us," I pleaded. "No Parker, you have to promise me you won't tell, I don't want anyone to ever know," said Patton. "But Patton," I whined. "No one can know, he's leaving, we won't have to see him again, promise me, ok?" he pleaded. "But..." "Parker, pretty please, just forget about it," Patton's voice echoed in my head. It was like someone just took a blindfold away from my eyes. Our cousin Kevin molested us and I didn't tell anyone because Patton didn't want me too. I forgot all about it, purged it from my memory, because Patton said to forget about it. I've heard of repressed memories before but I couldn't believe it was happening to me. This explained so many things, like why I'd never thought much about sex, why I'd been so upset when Kelsey touched my dick and why I flipped out when Marshall groped me. At first I was excited, knowing the source of this problem had to mean I could get over it, I mean, it wasn't blocked anymore, I could face it and move on. Then it set in that I'd failed to protect Patton, not once, but twice. The first time I failed him, I was an 8 year old little boy and I didn't tell when my cousin felt up my penis and rubbed himself on my bottom. I didn't tell and he ended up molesting Patton too. The second time I failed him, I was rude to Derek Carter and the next day, he saw Patton, thought of me and put a bullet in his chest. Patton was the best brother ever, he always looked out for me, always took care of me and all I'd ever done was fail him. I wanted to scream, I was so angry, I thought my head might explode. I wanted to vent my anger to find something that I could lash out at, the target presented itself, when I heard noise coming from across the hall, from Patton's bedroom.