The story is copyright © 2016 by "Its Only Me from Across the Sea". All rights reserved. It was first published in May 2016 on iomfats.org
I know I'm gay. That's the easy part.
I know most boys aren't gay. I know some will play around for a while, then find girls, and move on.
The hard part, and what's not ok is that I can't work out how to find one who will play around with me. He can grow into girls and move on if he wants, but I want him, or a bit of him, now.
I'll settle for even a quick fumble if I have to. I ache to be touched by someone else. I've tried sitting on my hand until it goes numb, but it just feels like being touched my my own numb hand.
I've found gay porn. I love gay porn. Actually, no. I love imagining a boy my age in gay porn with another boy my age. I've heard about Piccolo, Danish, I think, which had legal pictures of boys my age. Or, rather, legal pictures then. Today you'd get jailed for even saying you'd seen a copy. But I'd like to see a copy.
Apart from David in the showers I've never seen another boy hard. Seeing David isn't even interesting. He's ugly as an ugly thing in an ugly forest, and his cock's too babyish for what I want to do with one anyway. He's my age, but I must be further ahead in the puberty race than he is. Everyone's at a different stage.
What's dead lucky is that my parents are wise over my internet access. They gave me some simple rules. They told me never to give out my contact details, not ever, and to come and talk to them if I find anything that worries me or I think needs to be explained. They know I look at porn. Dad says he knows I will anyway, and knows I'd be able to get round any parental control gizmo, so he'd rather I looked at it in peace and quiet and privacy. "It's only people and bodies," he said. "There's nothing special about bodies, nor giving pleasure to another person. Well, there is, but I mean it's not something to be afraid of seeing. And you might learn something."
Dad also told me to have the good sense not to taken pictures of my cock on my phone and especially not to send them to anyone else if I did. And he said not to go looking for pictures of girls my age naked. If I found them he said they'd be illegal. And what fourteen year old boy wants to be on the Sex Offenders Register for either of those things?
He did ask me to be sensible about not embarrassing anyone else who might use the computer. And we had a chat about the less appetising things people do. I mean, some of those things are nasty. Who wants to eat shit? I've tasted my own pee, which is salty and unspecial, my own sperm, which is odd and not as pleasant as stories make you think it is, but I draw the line at shit. If it smells bad it's not meant to go into the mouth!
I've been spanked, as a punishment when I was younger. I didn't like it at all. I've read some stories where boys get hard when they're spanked and enjoy it. Good luck with that. I reckon that's not for me. I saw a site, once, with boys bent over a stool. I liked their bums, all taut under short shorts, but I don't want to spank one, or be the spankee. Is that even a word? I'd like to stroke one, and strip one, and, and, and...
But I'm coming to that. Not 'cumming', no. Coming.
And I told him I was much more interested in pictures of boys my age, not girls. He told me to look at other boys in the showers at school, and take a mind photo. And not a word was said about my being gay. Weird. Well, he hugged me and told me he loved me.
So, this puberty thing. My cock's started to grow, and my balls aren't tight against my body any more. No hair yet, and I kind of like it that way, for the moment. Compare me and David, he who got hard in the showers, mine is wider and a tad longer; it starts out heading forward and then curves down. There's air between my soft cock and my balls. David has a little spout that rests on a sort of protruding tight ball sack. It's like a lump on his front with a spike on it.
Not really sure why I even described that. It must interest me more than I thought. It's not a cock I wank about! And the face, that is most definitely not a face to wank over, er, about.
So, I've been looking for things Dad will approve of. Hmm, that sounds odd. What I mean is, I've been looking on the internet for things that are sexy, erotic, and yet ones that Dad will not put in the Sex Offenders Register class of thing.
Bel Ami is ok, but they're too old. And those cocks are huge. It must be like those theme park rides where there's a height gauge. They must audition those boys against a cock length and girth gauge before checking out their so called acting skills. The videos are cool, but it took me a while to get used to seeing a tongue in an arsehole. There's even a plot, of sorts.
I quite like Mike 18. They're more like ordinary boys. They look a bit like the seniors at school, though. Well, we should be so lucky to have seniors that hot, but they still look old.
There's one special pair. I've seen them 'together' often. I found them through Boycall. Now that's a site I've spent hours on. Sorry, Dad! Anyway there's one who likes getting fucked and is really into it, or rather has it into him, and the noises he makes don't feel dubbed afterwards. Before I saw him I wasn't overkeen on the idea of having a cock up my arse. But seeing his face, hearing him moan, and watching his sperm fly with him all breathless and sweaty, that's given me more wank material than anything else.
And I'd like to find out about it.
The arse and cock thing, I mean. It looks awesome. Unless he's acting. But you can't act that, surely? That's real sex; well, real gay sex.
The thing is, I found some other stuff, too. It's Japanese and it's plain awesome. I don't really know what to call it. I know, I think, that 'anime' is animated stuff. What I like is the ones where boys my age or younger play I'll show you mine if you show me yours. The best one for me so far is Natsuyasumi, which I think means Summer Break, where Yuu meets Natsuki, and gets his first ever blow job. But it's more than that. Yuu finds out that Natsuki isn't a girl, and he finds out in the three episodes what his cock and arse are for. It looks as amazing as that older boy in the video. I don't understand why Natsuki dresses as a girl, but that's not important. The fucking is amazing.
I know it's a cartoon. But, well, wow.
I want what Yuu gets. Well, and what Natsuki gets, too!
A lot of the others seem to be about older boys making younger boys do things. The older boy always seems a bit scheming and distant, and yet there's something appealing. I don't think I'd like a much older boy. But I think I'd like one who's a bit older and knows what he's doing... I want to be fucked well, not just have a cock rammed up me. And I want to do it back, too.
But how? Who?
What I've done is to experiment. There are two sink plungers in the bathroom, one long, one short. The long one's not been used yet.
So, at bath time, I took the small one, about seven inches long, which is fatter than my cock, but thinner than the one going in and out of gay video boy, and has a lovely curvy shape, applied vaseline to my arsehole, put the base on the floor, positioned myself very carefully, and sat down on it.
Which was two mistakes. The first was not locking the bathroom door, which I found rather distracting as my buttocks hit the floor. The second was being overambitious. My God! Owwwwwww! Side to side it felt as it it was tearing me apart, but inwards and upwards it felt huge, like it was rearranging my bowels.
I wanted it out. And I Wanted It Out Now! And that was in Capital Letters.
But I'd sat, not squatted. My feet were out in front of me. There was nothing to help me raise myself off it except my arms. Idiotic. I could have leaned over, but I tried to push myself up with my hands to get rid of the two pains I'd never had before, and my left slipped on a bit of dropped vaseline and I fell back down, refucking myself with it, and harder than before.
I must have got quite a way up before I dropped back down. The sucker thing had sucked to the tiled floor, so it came out a few inches before I fell back putting those few inches back in. But then... Then I felt the inwards and upwards pain again, a little less, maybe, but far less tearing apart pain, and one great thing. It hit a spot I never knew I had. Which was better than interesting. I was still concentrating on trying to get off the thing when a head came round the bathroom door.
"You all right? I heard a thump?"
It's fucking hard to speak when you're sitting on a sink plunger with the handle so far up your arse your tongue is getting splinters, and a massive, well, for me, erection, and gasping because the handle has just hit something you never knew was there to hit in the first place.
"Slipped." Managed that word at least.
"Yes, but are you hurt?"
Am I hurt? Well, actually, not at all. The arse pain's gone. The pride pain's there, though. "Don't think so."
"Want a hand up?"
I laughed, suddenly. I already had a sink plunger right up. I didn't think a hand would fit too.
Laughing made the handle move.
The moving handle hit that spot again, not as fiercely as before. Must have been past it and wiggled it with the side.
The wiggling made me gasp a little. Which came out as "Oww!" Or as close as I could morph it into an 'Oww!' "Nope. I'll get up when I've got my breath back" But, in my head, 'For God's sake go away!'
"Ok." and the head withdrew.
All of which quite ruined the rather interesting occasion. But at least I hadn't, probably, been caught with a sink plunger up my arse. Imagine if he'd come right in and helped me to my feet! Mind you I was imagining a call through the door of "Wash the sink plunger when you've finished with it, please!"
What I knew, as I sat there in disarray, was that the sensations had gone from an oddly pleasing unpleasant set of pains to rather interesting in no time flat, albeit not comfortable. This was something I was going to repeat at a better time, and behind a locked door, and in a better way. The mood had gone, so I struggled off my fake cock.
Two things, both unexpected. No mess. Seriously, I though shit was kept just inside the back door, but the handle came out clean. And the second hit me. There might have been no mess on the handle, but boy did I need a shit, and suddenly!
Only I didn't. Not much anyway. But I sat on the loo thinking I needed one for ages.
Which was not pleasing at all. And the bath was getting cold. At least I'd turned the taps off before I'd sat on PlungerMan, so there was no overflow to handle.
My arsehole felt odd. In the bath I felt it. Tight shut, but, well, tingly. Tingly in a good way. PlungerMan was going in there again! Just not that night.
I wondered if poking things up your arse always made you want to have a sudden shit afterwards. Obviously there was only one way to find out. And, if you hardly needed to go anyway, I wondered if there was any point in sitting on the loo afterwards.
When I was eleven there was a stupid school playground joke that ended 'and you know what sperm looks like in bathwater?'
When the gullible nodded sagely and said 'yes', the joke was, apparently, on them. But they were the ones who could get sperm. Or were lying about it.
That night, and many previous nights, I knew what sperm looked like in bathwater. And felt like. The texture changes totally. Weird, stringy stuff. Call me odd, but I love the feel of the fresh stuff on my body as it dries. I like stroking it into my skin, massaging my far too sensitive cock with it, rubbing it into my ballsack. I'm not keen on the stringy stuff that has to be got out of the bath before Mum or Dad sees it. Down the plughole, obviously!
At school I still hadn't worked out how to get a boy to experiment with. Stories made it all so easy. There were signs. Not to me there weren't. All the other boys kept themselves to themselves on sex things. Or they tried to be cool with the girls. But fourteen year old girls don't want fourteen year old boys. They want seventeen year old boys with driving licences to take them on dates.
Actually, that thought's worth hanging on to. Well, if I can find a seventeen year old boy with a driving licence and that I fancy enough.
That night, though, I prepared the ground. Well, no. I snaffled PlungerMan and hid it under my pillow, ever practical tried and failed for a really good shit, had a bath, vaselined my arsehole, and went to bed in a state of high expectation.
Wiser, I wasn't going to sit on PlungerMan again. A loud thump two nights running would have been a bit much. 'Did you know you've sat on the sink plunger?' That was not a question I wanted to hear.
Video Gay Squealing Boy seems to be fucked from every direction and loves all equally. I'm sure he has a name, I just don't know it. I like my pet name for him, anyway. One of the latest was him standing, one foot on a chair, regular partner fucking him from behind.
PlungerMan went in the same way. I had one foot on my bed, and tried him gradually. Massaging the opening with the rounded tip was excellent. I was hard, he was hard, so I pushed him harder. He went in to the inward curve about two inches down the handle.
One of the pains came back, the stretching one, not so fierce, and oddly rather pleasant. The weird thing is that turds were larger than this handle, but it still stretched me. It made me gasp, but quietly.
I wiggled it and something went on fire inside me when I wiggled the tip forwards. And, even better than that, that odd clear pre-cum stuff started to leak from my cock. My foreskin usually still just covers the tip when I'm rock hard, but it had retracted a smidgen, and I could see it leaking from the cherry pink tip inside. The pre-cum, I mean.
This position was too difficult. So, a choice. To remove PlungerMan and lie on the bed, or to keep him in and lie on the bed?
I got the inwards and upwards pain as I sat on it as I got into bed. Removal had been decided against. That was a mixed result. If this is what Yuu and Natsuki were having when each penetrated the other, I was up for it, pun intended. Yuu's face was tense the first time. I could quite see why! Natsuki was relaxed and smiling. I could see that, too. I was half and half.
Squidging further down in the bed wiggled PM inside me. He was deep inside because the cup was gripping the sheets, so he was missing the hot spot – Memo to self: find out about the geography tomorrow – but it was... very interesting.
Some of those videos have the fucked boy's knees by his ears. I tried that. PM abandoned ship. Quite fast, too! He pinged out and I had to check the sheets! Should have held him in. His outbound journey felt fun, but far too brief. And I couldn't keep my knees there anyway. But, putting them back as far in that direction as I could, PM's re-entry was a‑ma‑zing. He hit the spot. I wiggled on the spot. He hit it and hit it and hit it. I inned and outed him past it, hitting it each time. I swear I could have made it just by PM and hot spot pressure, but I needed it too urgently.
Left hand took PM, right hand took my cock, and I blurred my hands with motion. It was so intense. I had to clamp my lips together to stop squealing out loud. Every time PM hit that spot my cock jumped. And I was leaking so much I was almost slipping off with my cock-hand. So hot so intense, I felt fire and ice inside me as I missed my body completely, hit my forehead with shot one, and the top of my chest with shot two. And I've never felt so much. My teaspoonful seemed like a dessert spoon full. And the sensations kept on and on until I had to rip PM out because I needed him gone. And even that was amazing as he left and I felt so empty.
Out of breath?
You bet I was.
And, dammit, instead of being able to lie back in the amazing glow that was starting, PM had triggered my 'you need a shit and you need it now' reflex.
And that came to nothing just like before.
The glow stayed. And my arse felt hungry. What is was not getting was another session with PlungerMan that night, though, nor any other type of food. I couldn't even explore it with my fingers it was so sensitive.
Saturday I sat down with the internet, and searched for explore anus in Google, and found some interesting stuff, not least of which was Self exploration as my top result. The description said 'Instructions for any man or boy needing to explore their own bodies sexually to learn about their anus.' I liked the way it was written. It talked to me as a boy who didn't know much, and it had pictures. The animation was great! And the final one showed me why PM going in a long way had made me feel re-arranged. Angle him forwards to hit the hot spot, angle him backwards to go deeper.
Obviously there's only a finite depth, so PM's taller brother will not be in play any time soon! Or, if he is, sat down upon is something he will not be.
The 'rents were about, so exploration had to wait until bed time. And boy, did I explore. PM stayed in the bathroom. Seems, I ought to have used a candle anyway according to the site, but PM's going to be a good friend for a while yet! Seems I was right about the 'boy do I need a sudden shit' reflex, too. Afterwards it was less... insistent, less annoying. Still had to be answered, but less so.
I'm ahead of myself.
I tried making a 'thumbs up' with my hand and sitting on my thumb. Close, but no cigar. That reminded me of cigar tubes. Hmmm. Easily portable, and I've got some in my old toy box. Not that sort of toys, real toys. For playing with. Hmmm. Ok, kids' toys. Mum has vanilla pods in similar things, too. Anyway, the thumb idea wasn't much cop. Went in, and the hand was trapped. Very pleased I trimmed my nails, though!
So I lay on my back with my legs apart, all relaxed, and had an explore. I know what it looks like, but, wiping apart, and the PlungerMan Experiments (in capital letters, what else?) touching was not a thing I had done much of, except in a cursory way when washing in the bath or shower. That was to get clean, not to get off. I'd wanked in the shower couple of times, but almost lost my footing at the end, so gave that up ages ago.
The entrance is actually sensitive. Wow. Who knew?
Well, gay blokes, obviously.
It was gentle and restful just circling with my fingertips, round and round. Look, it isn't a rosebud. Those stories are rubbish. Rosebuds are pointy at the tip. The tip of my dick is more like a rosebud than my arsehole! It feels smooth, yet ridged, and yielding. Without vaseline, in the bath, there's no way in. With vaseline the centre dips slightly and shows the finger the treasures beneath.
I couldn't resist sniffing my finger and looking at it. Clean as expected and smelling of vaseline. It returned to its task. I know PM had been deep inside, but the finger was awkward to start with. I could feel both sets of muscles, one I could relax if I concentrated really hard, the other I teased into relaxing, in to the first knuckle.
As it all yielded quietly the finger was as in as it was ever going to be. I either need longer arms or a more flexible back, or both. The tip was in a warm void. The rest of the finger alternately was clamped tight or half not clamped depending on what I did with my muscles. And I could just, with my fingertip, find that hot spot. Prostate, the web site said it was called. It seemed further in than the diagrams.
Every time I touched it my dick jumped.
I looked at my right hand. The left was occupied inside me. I was using my first finger, but the next one is far longer. So, I reasoned, if I swapped fingers I could reach.
Swapping fingers gave me a geometry problem. What the heck should I do to keep the index finger out of the way. As I pushed the middle finger in the index finger acted as a limiter.
Added finger one to finger two. That would give me a better reach.
Potential, but no.
Finger one plus finger two were wider than PlungerMan, and were very hard to make go in even as far as the first joint.
I pulled two out and put the first one back in, and hit the target, near enough. Exploration done for that night I took hold of my cock and pulled the foreskin back, luxuriating in the feel of the precum on the hugely sensitive tip. I wanted to try just tap, tap, tapping the arrowhead underneath, with my other hand inside me trying to rub my prostate. I didn't want a furious wank, just whatever these two sensations gave me.
And it built, slowly, softly, quietly, almost stealing up on me from behind, I had to use all my willpower not to go for the power wank strokes. Tap, tapping closer and closer. Suddenly I had zero control at all. My buttocks clenched, I crushed my left hand and showered my chest with an amazing, but different explosion. If there's an A-Level in Wanking I'm going to pass the practical exam. Wonder if you can get a degree in it?
I managed to extract my poor left hand, and found that I could control the dump reflex. I didn't go along the landing to the loo. I lay there. Yes, I smelled my left hand's fingers. An odd scent. Not poo, somehow earthy, musky, maybe? Appealing, but not enough to lick. My right hand was smoothing the volleys of cum around on my body. Sometimes I leave it lying there and watch it liquefy as I doze off. Sometimes I wipe it all over me. Call me kinky if you like, but I love it. I'm even almost getting to like the flavour. Almost. I can imagine, though, what sucking another boy's cum out is like. Unless his tastes foul then that is going to be swallowed. His balls are going to be empty.
And yes, I know most of the liquid comes – cums? – from the prostate.
But I'm going to use his built in drinking straw to get the lot. And my finger is going to be deep inside him massaging more and more out of him.
If only I could find him.
I can't even picture him.
Actually, unless he's fugly, I don't really mind who he is.
"Dad, Mum, I'm gay."
Not the way I expected to start Sunday, but, oddly, they were as unfazed by it as I was surprised to hear myself saying it.
"From the clues you've been leaving behind in the browser history I can't say I'm surprised." Dad said. "I read the site about self exploration and stuff. It's outside my experience, but he seems to make a lot of sense."
That wasn't what I expected to hear. We spent a while talking about me and how I needn't be in a rush to be sexual at all, let alone 'something'-sexual, that I could easily be bisexual, that about half the boys in the world admit to going through a phase of being attracted to a boy, boys, and get past it, all that stuff I half expected. And yes, they told me how much they love me, and I knew they meant it. They said they didn't care if I brought a boyfriend or a girlfriend home, which was pretty great.
"I'm not about to. I'm not attracted to anyone in particular, just boys in general, and just not girls at all."
"I'd like it to happen soon, Mum. I don't know how to tell if anyone else is gay or not, though."
"Does school have some sort of gay club?"
So, on the Monday I found out, and it does, and it meets on Wednesdays in a room off the library. Mum is, potentially, a genius.
Tuesday, after some more very serious explorations the night before, when I did finally manage to reach with a pair of fingers and find it was not just amazing, but AMAZING, I took the bull by the horns, so to speak, at lunch.
"I'm going to LGBT Soc tomorrow after school."
"You a poof, Jer?" Ben James asked me.
"Card carrying member, mate. Thought it was time I found others."
"Way to go! Jerry's a poof! Good for you, Jer." Ben surprised me by that. What was great is none of the boys at the table looked upset at all. And, even better than that, there were no 'Squeeee!' sounds from the girls. No Yaoi fangirls! That was a relief.
"How d'you know?" That was Leigh-Anne
"How do you know you're not a lesbian, Leigh?"
"Fair point. Damn. I was thinking about asking you out... Not."
"I may be a brat, but I like boys!"
"Yep, butt, too. I mean yours is cute an' all, Leigh, but it's not a boy's. If you were a boy I'd ask you out."
"Never mind. I like gay blokes. They can't get you pregnant!"
"Can, too! Just won't be going there!"
"Too right you won't. I'm saving that part of me." Leigh-Anne blushed when she said that. Ben picked up on it.
"Who for, Leigh-Anne?" He nudged her and winked.
"Not you, you dork!"
"Guessed that. But who?"
"Rich Stone." She grinned, still blushing.
"But he's in year 13!"
"Yes, and he's got a car!"
"You girls and their older crushes with cars," I said, wondering who Rich was. "Does he know you're saving yourself for him?"
"Don't you dare tell him, Jeremy Halstead! And no stealing him from me, either, any of you. Especially you, Jerry, I am so not going to lose him to a boy!"
Ours was a huge school, almost 1,100 of us, so the chance would be a fine thing. "If he turns up tomorrow night he's not batting for your side, anyway, Leigh. Anyway I've no idea who he is!"
"He'd better not," she said. "If he does I suppose you can have a go."
"A year 13's too old for me, I think. He'll be 18, pretty much" I was truly amazed we were having this conversation. It was surreal, almost. I'd just come out and we were talking as though nothing was different. The it hit me. Nothing was different. And no-one else thought anything was different either. This was the world so many people had dreamed of, that sexuality wasn't important, except when it mattered, in finding a partner.
We drifted into the usual other idle prattle and lessons. Which were also the usual other idle prattle.
My being gay didn't matter. Not a bit. Mum and Dad were pleased when I told them later that day.
I really must find out Squealing Gay Video Boy's name. It's easier to think of him by a name. He's not a hunk. His face would never turn my head. But he's so into being royally rogered it's amazing. I want to do both, but not to him. One thing, though. That may be an average todger deep inside him, but there's more of it than there is to PlungerMan. Well, I think PM's longer, but certainly not as big around.
But I'm not as big as SGVB (work it out) anyway. I'm not 5'4" yet and I have, by comparison to me, a proportionate and growing gentleman's area, and, just perhaps, the whisper of a single and faintly visible pube.
Damn, I wish I could see one of those Danish magazines.
So, someone my age will be, pretty much PM's size. Someone older will be a lot bigger. But someone older's more likely to know what he's doing and someone my age'll be as fumbly as me. But that would be fun. And Natsuki was Yuu's age and knew more than enough.
I think my head's going to explode.
Anyway, I've nothing bigger than PlungerMan unless I whittle something in the shed. Oh the conversation potential. 'What're you making, Jerry?'
'I need a bigger thing to stretch my arse for an older boy, Mum!'
'Make sure you varnish it, dear, you don't want to get splinters.'
That is just not going to happen. If I had money I could buy something. I quite fancy a Rampant Rabbit, though those bunny ears would get in the way. My browsing is now including sex toy sites. And WOW! I get hard looking at toys, now!
Today's LGBT Soc day. I don't suppose it's going to be the glorious start of me losing my virginity in any of the three ways gay teenagers seem to need to lose it, but who knows?
I've a lot to think about now. Rich Stone is not a member, whoever he is, so Leigh-Anne's safe. I think I'd have made a play for him out of pure badness if he had been. I haven't yet lost even one third of my virginity, and I think I'm turning slutty.
Ben was there, though. That wasn't something I expected. That's two card carrying poofs at the same lunch table.
It was an odd meeting. Not that I had any idea what to expect. I didn't really know what I'd hoped either. I knew it wasn't a pick-up thing. It's mainly support, but you do get a better grip – ha! – on who's out, and a rumour mill about who's not yet out.
And no, no rumours about Rich.
I'm not sure I'm any further forward, not at school at least. I'm not too sure about the local youth club. Don't get me wrong, I'm a bit of a chav, too, but they're more chavvy than I am. I use grammar and stuff and want A-Levels. They're pleased if they get two GCSEs and a budgerigar.
Ok, not the budgie.
So, on my list of possibles, is one. Ben. Lucky his surname isn't Dover, or Doon.
Better not go there.
I can talk to Ben. I hardly knew any of the others. I was a bit shy, truth to tell. This was my first being out to a wider group.
My batphone rang on the way home. "It's Ben." I knew that. It said so on the display.
"Hi. Didn't I see someone who looked just like you five minutes ago?"
"Idiot! Can we have a chat? Have you got home yet?"
"About half way."
"I'm on my bike. Well, will be after I hang up. Where are you?"
"Cromwell Road, near the shops."
"Be there in two." and the connection broke.
He was wrong. It was three.
I waited for him to catch his breath. Ben and I didn't hang out after school. "Can we go to the park?" He got off his bike as he asked me.
The stuff between us had changed some. I had half an idea that he wanted to talk about the gay stuff, but not sure what. We walked together towards the park, half a mile away, both quiet. He started. "Thanks."
"Making me brave enough to go this evening."
"Yup. My first time, too. My mum don't know."
"Mine does. Dad, too."
"How'd they take it?"
"They kind of didn't. Treated it as 100% normal."
"Wow. Hope my mum will."
He looked worried since he'd spoken last. "Mmm?"
"You're not about to declare undying love for me are you? I like you as a mate, and your pretty fit, and you're easy on the eye, but I'm not up for love yet."
"Half, I spose." Dejected looking.
"Don't frown, it doesn't suit you." Ben had clear light blue eyes, mouse blond hair, and a perpetual smile. I'd never seen him frown much, ever. It didn't suit him. Three little moles under his left eye made his face interesting rather than beautiful, er, handsome. No, beautiful. He was cute, though, in a boy-cute way
"I don't know anyone else our age, Jer. Not a gay someone else." He was looking as if he might burst into tears.
"Nor me. Well, now I do." I knew where this might go, but did I want it to? "Right, mate. We're good enough friends at school?"
"Yes." I detected a sniffle.
"We can be better friends if you like."
"I'd like that..."
"I'm not falling in love with you, Ben."
"I kind of fancy you rotten, always have, but I'll take what's on offer."
"Dunno what's on offer yet. This is all new to me, too. I mean I know I'm gay, that's not new. It's the boyfriend stuff that's new. I'm not sure..."
"Let's just be good mates, Jer? Please?" Puppy dog eyes
"Works for me. What you doing right now?"
"Talking to you in the park."
"Twat! I mean now after school, not now, now!"
"Not a lot."
"Right, good mate. Come home with me for your tea?"
So he did an ET and told his mum's voicemail where he was going.
Cheese on toast with ketchup and Worcester Sauce, my cordon bleu top dish, later we were up in my room. We're not posh. We live on one of those council estates the Tories sold off. It's a decent home inside. Outside, not so much. Whatever Mum and Dad do with the garden it still looks exactly what it is, but inside, it's home. The 'rents bought it about 15 years ago, so I must have started here. It's a big house. My kid sister Cheryl has her room, Mum and Dad have theirs and we've a tiny spare room where I have to go when Gran comes to stay.
And no, we didn't fall into each others arms and fuck each other's brains out. I was, suddenly, not quite ready, and I don't think Ben was, either. But we talked a lot. He and I, we'd never talked before, not about anything except school stuff.
It wasn't logical, but the gay thing was almost a chasm between us. We avoided it for ages. A whole ten peculiar minutes.
"This gay stuff..."
Well, that was awkward.
"Let me show you something?"
"Seen it in the showers!"
"Not that." I opened the laptop. I have Natsuyasumi bookmarked. I clicked away the fucking annoying pop up adverts. " This !" and then I clicked the play and full screen buttons.
"Comic book stuff?"
"Wait and see"
"This is a boy and a girl. Jer."
"I refer the honourable member to the answer I gave earlier." Prime Minister's Questions wasn't lost on me!
"Twat! Which, incidentally, since she's a girl, she'll have."
"Have you no patience? I want you to see this." I did, though I wasn't sure where I was going with it. "This is my absolute favourite almost-porn."
"Still a boy and a girl, though! And the subtitles suck bigly!"
"They do. Pretend they're good."
"Wow, Yuu's got a pixelated dick! And a BJ!"
"Yup, it's not just the subtitles that suck bigly!" I was getting hard, too. Wondered if Ben was. I'd heard of 'Friends with benefits' and wondered...
"Mate! She's got a dick. A chick with a dick!"
"More interested now?" I looked at his trousers. I though I could see a reaction.
"Silly sod's run away! Wait, wow, he's having a wank. And about her, him, er..."
"I wank to this all the time, Ben."
"I don't suppose..."
"I do. Want to now, you and me?"
I locked the door. Didn't want Cheryl walking in on us. She's only ten. "All off. I'm not about to get cum on my school uniform."
Oddly shy for two blokes who'd been naked in the showers so often, we undressed facing away. No-one, with the possible exception of Dad's head round the bathroom door during The Plunger Man Incident, no-one had ever seen me hard. And Ben was about to. And I was about to see him. In the showers his dick was unremarkable. I suppose mine was, too. All I knew before we both turned round was they he and I were growing into puberty, bigger that David's cocklet, and neither of us had hair. His foreskin's one of those long overhanging ones, mine's like a pen nib. One for writing on the ceiling right then.
"Ready?" We both said it at once.
"Ok. Go!" I said it, and we turned. And both pairs of eyes were looking down. "Wow!" Ben was bigger than me. About a whole half inch. And his skin was half retracted already. I was harder than I've ever been.
"Wow yourself! You're hot! I mean wholly hot!"
I was already blushing. I stepped towards him, avoided the possibility of a kiss, and nuzzled my way down his chest. I felt him vibrate as I went lower. Wank be damned. I wanted hm in my mouth.
His tip touched my chin. Now or never. I pulled back a tad, opened my mouth and touched him with my tongue, right on the pink tip. It tasted... slightly salty and of not much else. The salt vanished as soon as I tasted it. My lips eased the rest of his skin back, and I licked around the ridge. And he was vibrating so much I had to hang on to his bum to try to hold him still. I heard him make an "Nnnnnhgghhhh!" and he jerked and I tasted something new. I half recognised it, just like my own, yet not. A little bitter, a hint of salt and sweet, rather slimy, not something I wanted a bowl full of, but I was going to suck all he had out of him. "Nnnnnnghhhh!" I wondered about trying to swallow his cock and rejected it.
Then he was pushing my forehead, pushing me back, panting. "Too much! Stop!"
Wow. I'd just given my first ever blow job! I almost went over the top myself just from feeling how he reacted. His flavour lingered in my mouth. That was a flavour I hoped I'd always remember. Ben got a little bit more special as I tasted him.
"Wow, Jer. That was..." He was panting still.
"Fun or what?" I was like the cat who got the cream, Which I had, I suppose.
"I didn't expect... I mean I only suggested... Wow. Amazing."
"That's ok, Yuu!"
"Yuu, eh! Well, at least I know you're all boy, Natsuki! You swallowed..."
"Wasn't about to waste it."
"What's it like?"
"Mixed, to be truthful. None of that 'sweet boy nectar' crap you ready about in some of the stories. It's a bit bitter, salty, a hint of sweet, and slimy. You never tasted your own?"
"No. Er, do you want me to..."
"Not unless you want to. I'll settle for your hand right now."
"No, I'll have a go. Tell me when..."
"You don't have to swallow, Ben. Or get it in your mouth if you don't want."
"Just try and tell me. I'll decide then."
My dick hadn't gone down. It was so hard it almost hurt and his tongue tip almost made me fire off as he licked into and under my foreskin, then peeled it back with his lips. And that was it! Bang! No warning, no time to tell him. "Sorry!" I was in a weird mix of far too fast and wow, awesome! And out of breath too.
"Well, it doesn't taste wonderful," he said, "but it could be a lot worse. I thought you were going to tell me?"
"I was. Bit of a hair trigger. Sorry." I wasn't that sorry, but what the heck. I'd just given and been given my first ever BJ! "Want a return match?"
"Not today, but yeah. I'm up for it." He was, too, still! Or maybe again!
"Jerry!? You home?" Damn. Lucky we locked the door. Mum's voice called up the stairs. I could also hear Cheryl, all excited. She must have been to ballet, come to think of it.
"Yeah, Mum. Down in a minute."
In stories one of us would have ended up wearing the other's underpants. Not us. His went into his pocket, mine under my pillow. Then downstairs, not a little flushed. "Hi Mum. This is Ben"
Pleasantries followed, have you boys eaten questions happened where we managed to keep straight faces. That isn't a word I'm getting a cheap laugh for. I hate the idea that gay is the alleged opposite of straight. The opposite of straight is bent or crooked. I am so not bent nor crooked. I'm gay. And we escaped to the path.
"See you tomorrow, Jerry."
"Yup. Ben, nothing's changed. We're good?"
"We're good. Still fancy you rotten!"
"Daft sod. Piss off home!"
And he pissed off home. Loads to think about now. And loads to remember.
I got a text message: "Thanks J you're amazing."
Sent one back. "Not so bad yourself Ben."
Not exactly a boyfriend. Good. A friend with benefits. That works.
PlungerMan had a night off.
I had plans. Not to follow the plot of Natsuyasumi, but certainly to do everything Yuu and Natsuki did, except Natsuki would not dress as a girl, not ever. Nor would he dress Yuu as a girl. I think maybe Ben is Yuu right now. Not that it matters.
Leigh-Anne noticed something right away, but wasn't sure what. "You're different, Jerry."
"Nope. Same me. Still a card carrying poof."
"No. You don't normally smile all the time. You grump a lot."
"I so do not." I over grumped to make the point.
"Whatever! I think you got lucky. If it's Rich Stone I'll kill you now!"
"I still don't know who that is, Leigh. And no, it's not."
"So you did get lucky! What's first base for gay boys?"
"We're English. We play cricket. We have wickets, not bases. Give me a break Leigh?"
"Guys, Jer got lucky!" the whole lunch table leaned in at once. Yes, even Ben. "Now, I wonder who with? Anyone we know, Jer?"
"Look, if and when I get lucky, I'm certainly not telling you lot. Fuck, it, can't I have any privacy now you know I'm not classically heterosexual?" Jeez, I was waiting for her to go 'Squeeeeee' now.
"No. I may have to set you up with cute boys. You have a faghag now Jer."
"Cute boys, that's fine. But if you think you're getting all the gory details you've another think coming!" I liked the idea of cute boys. Ben's face didn't. That might be a problem. I want to play the field... well, if I can actually find the field in the first place.
"If you don't tell me, they'll tell me!"
"Ok, Leigh, just how many cute gay boys do you know?" Ben joined in.
"Well, there's Jerry to start with."
"And to end with," Ben said.
I wasn't going to mention that Ben had been to LGBT Soc, and most certainly not that he and I had drunk at the fountain of eternal youth. I wondered, though, if he could go to the club, and folk knew he'd been there, why he was being so cagey. His privacy, though, his property.
"I still bet he bowled a maiden over," Leigh said, returning to the theme of cricket since baseball wasn't allowed.
"Gawd, Leigh, give it a rest. And that joke fails on so many levels. Maidens are girls anyway." Bethany came to my rescue. Ben's too, had she but known. "As for 'first base', if you got to first base with a boy, what would you be doing? Coz that's probably what gay boys do, too."
"She'd be going to the loo in pairs discussing it, that's what," Ben told her. "That's what all you girls do, talk about boys in the loo!"
"True, that." Bethany was laughing. "If she ever lands Rich Stone!"
"Sods, the lot of you," Leigh was laughing, too. "If I ever land him I'm telling no-one!"
Leigh and Bethany are both pretty as hell. I think I'd go for Bethany if I were Bi. She's less top heavy. Leigh's got more front than Blackpool. Boys seem to prefer big tits. They're both fun, though. The girls, not the tits. They each give as good as they get. They're good mates. We all are. I'm not going to let me and Ben spoil the group.
Saturday, I was to go to Ben's in the afternoon. That was only going to happen if all my homework was done first. The 'rents want me to get a load of good GCSEs, me too, and I look on track, mostly. I knew Ben's folks had some sort of naughty site blocker, so I downloaded Natsuyasumi onto my laptop. I half inched a good dollop of vaseline, too. It's bloody hard to carry a dollop of grease about. At least part of it was pre-prepared inside my underpants.
Arrived at half one. His mum were out having a hair-do and shopping in town for the afternoon. They're just the two of them. No idea where his dad is. We had a while.
"I brought the laptop," I said. "Kind of obvious, really, since it's the size of a small paving slab."
"I liked that cartoon thing."
"According to the site I downloaded it from, it's called Yaoi Anime, but I've been looking this stuff up. I think it's probably Shotacon. Maybe not. Maybe they're old enough. It's pretty confusing."
"I understood most of those words," he said, "and the words made real sentences, but you're talking scribble!"
"Yeah. So, Episode 2?"
"Are we going watch and do what they do?" He locked his bedroom door even though the flat was empty. "We can't make a load of noise Jer. The walls are thin. I heard the neighbours having a huge row the other day. They threw crockery at each other, followed by unbelievably loud sex."
"Bet you had a wank over that!"
"Yuck, no. Not if you've seen them!" He clicked the vid. "Wanna get undressed?"
He was taking off his T, putting it on my tiny pile of clothes. I'd come commando!
"You've got a great body, Ben. Nice dick, too. Do we need the vid? I only brought it sort of in case."
He blushed. "I want to do everything you do."
I knew what I wanted to do. We'd talked about showers first, and he smelled of shampoo
"I've something in mind. I just don't know quite how to start."
"I've heard of foreplay, but how to two gay friends, do that?"
"Not sure I want to kiss yet."
"Maybe another time. What've you got in mind."
"We....ll...." I was nervous, suddenly.
"Look, Jer, I'm as nervous as you are. Just tell me. I can always say no."
I'd clicked past the weird dream sequence titles to Episode 2. we were about eight minutes in. "That. I want to do that. And I want you to be Yuu."
"Wow! I'm up for that. I've dreamed about that with you."
"You mean with Natuski! You're Yuu!"
"I want you on your back."
"God, these subtitles are stupid!"
I wasn't watching. I was on his bed, naked, on my back. I knew I wanted my knees by my ears, but I wanted Ben to work a bit, too. I knew I was ready vaselined. I just wanted to be touched.
"I hope I do this right," he said. And he lifted my legs, looked at my arsehole. "I've never seen an arse before." and he lined up, kind of.
I felt the tip touch me, the grease made it sort of stick. It didn't feel like PlungerMan at all. This was alive, hard inside, soft outside. PM was all hard all over. " How?" He asked.
"Gently at first, then I don't know. I've not done this before." He wasn't huge. PM and he were similar, kind of. I felt pressure. Then it slid away.
"Sorry." He tried again. "Skin got in the way. I've pulled it back."
Pressure again. Nothing like PM, then it was. I opened up suddenly and all of him was inside all of me. All. It hurt. Not the inwards and upwards hurt, but the opened wide hurt. And I loved it. Loved it! I needed the pain. This was my first ever time and I wanted Ben's mark on my soul. I grabbed him with my arms and somehow with my legs and pulled him in. "Push in deep and stay still." I remembered to be quiet. It was a very loud whisper. "I need to remember this. It hurts and I want it to hurt!"
"So tight, so hot. Wait... It hurts?"
"Shh. I like it, need it. Push in as hard as you can. Make yourself as big as you can!"
It was spectacular. If nothing else happened, this I would remember always. The hot, red pain I felt was easing. Too fast, yet not fast enough. "Ok, now, Ben, do whatever makes it feel good for you."
And he did. He had his hands round my ankles On the in thrust he couldn't get deeper if he were part of me. On the out stroke he sometimes left me completely and forced his way back in. Time lost all meaning. I was focussed only on the hot human feel inside me, sometimes hitting my hot spot, sometimes scraping past it, sometimes missing. "Oh Jer... Jer..."
"Try to make it last, Ben. As long as you can, but don't stop, not until you absolutely have to. I want you to fuck me as hard as you dare. I won't break!"
Maybe Natsuki could get an orgasm with just being fucked, I couldn't. Not that day, my first ever time, at least. But I was so close. It was like nothing ever before. PM was a pale imitation of Ben's urgent thrusting into me, sometimes accurate, sometimes wild. It lasted as long as he could. Suddenly I felt his body contract, and a huge jolt as his hips thrust into me. I almost heard the explosion as he came into me. Screw the stories of feeling hot spurts. I always felt it was bollocks. What I felt was a hot, sweaty, panting Ben pushed even harder into me that when I pulled him in. And then he was on my chest, done, spent, out of breath.
And then he kissed me! And I loved it. And I didn't want to be a slut any more, play the field any more. I wanted Ben. My Ben. My Ben.
As his tongue fought mine my arse fought him, and squeezed him out. Damn. I wanted that to stay there. My Ben. "My Ben."
"Wow. Do you mean that, Jer?"
I didn't know I'd spoken, but yes, I meant it. "Yes. My Ben. Yes. I mean it. My Ben."
"Wow. I do, you know. Think I'm in love with you, Jerry."
Gawd, we make an ice cream company now. "I think we may have to be 'Jerry and Ben'. 'Ben and Jerry's already taken"
"Actually, my arsehole."
"I said that!"
"Yeah. My Ben." I liked the way it sounded.
"Later. Don't need anything right now. Unless..."
"Unless you can get your cock hard again and put it back inside me!"
But he couldn't. And not for lack of trying. He snuggled instead. I had the dump reflex real bad, but I fought it off. I felt his sperms trickling out of me a little, hoped my hole would soon grab hold of them. I wanted to keep them.
"Was that as good as it looked?" He was whispering into my ear.
"You're going to find out," I whispered back. "But probably not today. How about you?"
"You have no idea," he told me. "No idea at all. But you will have."
Monday, I wondered if Leigh-Anne would just know.
Lunch came. We all sat as usual. I was miles away and I caught, "... look over there. He's just dreamy." from her.
"Is that the famous Rich Stone?"
"Yeah, Jer." She was almost drooling
I hate the 'Yeah Jer' rhyming thing. It's as barf-worthy as 'Yerry Jerry' would be. "The tall, dark and handsome one?"
"No, the fat boy next to him with all the acne."
"See what you mean. He's a bit of a hunk. No, not Zit-Boy."
I got up. "Back in a tick." and went over to him. "Rich?"
"Yup. Who're you?" Not a local accent. Interesting.
"And you want, what, exactly?" Tough guy voice.
"Your body, obviously!" He started to glower. "No. Joke. Look, there's someone wants to meet you. And she's a bit shy." He had to have a brain. You don't stay on past 16 if you're thick as pig shit, but brain cells did seem to be missing. Even so he came over. Must have been the word 'she' that did it.
"Leigh-Anne, this is Rich Stone. Rich, Leigh's been talking about you all term."
Leigh was red as I've never seen her before. Mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. "If this is a joke, Jeremy Halstead, I'm so going to kill you."
"Ok, obviously I was wrong. Mistake. Sorry, Rich."
"No, wait, you weren't. Rich, Hi." Gabble.
Now he was blushing. It's not that hard to talk to people. "Talking about me all term?"
"She has," Bethany said. "Now she can talk to you instead of telling us about you. Go on, Leigh. Go for a walk with him or something." And she did. They did. "That was awesome, Jer. Can you get one for me?"
"He is pretty hot. But he doesn't seem very bright. You sure you want one like that, Bethany?"
"Actually, no. I want one like, you, gay boy."
"Serious. I know it'd make no difference if I'd said before. I mean gay is gay, right?"
"Yeah. Sorry Bethany. If I were bi you'd be top of the list."
"Not a chance you're even a little bit bi?"
"Dunno. Not right now, that's for certain."
"Damn. Ah well." She turned to Ben. He looked like he knew what was coming. "How about you, Benny?"
I heard a gulp. Saw Ben look at me in panic. My Ben. Mine. How the heck do you tell a pretty girl you're taken when you're Ben and scared. "Actually, Bethany, you're hot as hell. But I'm with Jer." Now that was unexpected. Ben was bright red. That wasn't.
"You're shitting me?"
"He's not," I said. "I'm with Ben." He was grinning as I spoke. Red fading.
"And Ben," I added, helping her. Not.
"Are an item!? Fuck me!"
"Bethany Morris, such language from a beautiful girl." I was laughing. "And, well, it would be an honour, but I'm a card carrying poof, if you remember correctly!"
"You think I'm beautiful?"
"No. I know you are. Hot as hell, too. But you've got the wrong equipment." I paused. "She is, isn't she Ben?"
"Yup. You'd be on my list, too, Bethany."
"Fuck! You and Jerry. Wait. 'Ben and Jerry'! Don't you dare be winding me up. You'll be walking a Rocky Road if you do! You'll be Phish Food."
"That's the way the Cookie Dough crumbles." Ben.
"Brat!" She paused. "Oh look, I'm happy for you both. I just want..."
"What you need is a seventeen year old with a driving licence! Doesn't she Ben?"
"Don't I get a say in this?"
"Nope. Maybe Rich has a friend?" Me.
"If it's Zit-Boy then he can keep him!"
"That's Zit-ist! Total discrimination. Brothers and Sisters of Acne, arise and storm the barricades... Or something."
"You're a nut, Ben," she said.
He'd always been a good mate, but I'd not seen him like this. Ben had always seemed so serious while he was smily, too. He seemed to be relaxing into himself. His inner clown was allowed out to play, suddenly. I found my hand holding his. "Too cute!" Beth had caught a glimpse. "Ok, you're together. I think you'll make beautiful babies. OH MY GOD!" she raised her hand to her mouth. "Have you? You haven't?"
"Come on, Beth. You wouldn't kiss and tell, would you?"
"I would, Jer. That's what we girls do in the toilet in pairs!"
"Jerry and I don't, though." He squeezed my hand.
"No, I've heard what gay boys do in toilets! You can't talk with your mouth full through a hole in the wall!"
"Bethany Morris, you wash your mouth out with soap and water right now!" That's twice in five minutes I've used her surname! Go me!
"You know I'm teasing. You look good together. Guys, is this public knowledge? Can I tell Leigh-Anne?"
I looked at Ben, he looked at me. He nodded. "Sure? There's no going back?"
"Sure," he said.
"Be a bit discreet, Bethany. It may be 2016, but there are still some fuckwits out there." And then, "Ben, I haven't said it yet. But I do. Love you." He melted. She 'Squeeeeed'. "Bethany! A Yaoi Fangirl is what we don't need right now!"
"Leigh-Anne will be so jealous I got to hear that and she didn't." Then, "What's a Yaoi Fangirl?"
"Google is your friend, Bethany. Big G knows all your darkest and innermost thoughts." Ben laughed. "I didn't know either until Jerry showed me some Yaoi."
"You're a totally rotten pair of poofs! Teasing the poor little heterosexual girl!"
And we were, did, for ages. Leigh-Anne missed it all! All!
At home time I gave Ben some printed sheets from that site. "I do. I never realised it, Benny, but I do. I love you. I think I have for ages."
"Only you get to call me 'Benny', and only because you love me." My Ben was smiling. What are these?
"I know your mum keeps your internet locked down. I thought you might find these worth reading. Eat them when you've read them!" I'd printed out all the sex and exploration stuff for him. I know we can't get together for a couple of days. Think of them as homework."
"Homowork, you mean?"
"Brat! Yes, homowork."
I didn't tell Mum and Dad I had a Ben, er, boyfriend. And, weirdly, we couldn't get together in the week, except in school. LGBT Soc hardly counted. There was a lot of teasing between Bethany and Leigh. Rich Stone had turned into a big disappointment. He was a few tiles short of a roof in the relationships department, thought it started with hands. Seems for girls that's not true. Odd, really. Worked for Ben and me. Maybe that's why I like girls as mates, not as girlfriends. They're so complicated.
Saturday, though, Mum and Dad were taking Cheryl to London to go ice skating. A load of ballet parents were going. "Go and have fun," I said. "I'll have Ben round, probably. Or maybe go to the park and kick a ball about with him."
"I'll leave you some frozen pizza," Mum said.
Sometimes a plan comes together. I didn't even know I had a plan.
They'd gone by ten. I texted Ben. He was over in under five minutes. Stupid thing, we were shy again. "C'mere" I mumbled, and put my arms around him. "I want to get all naked with you, but I want you in my arms clothed, too. What I mean is, it started out as being just sex, but it isn't. Not now. I like you loads as a mate as well as falling for you."
I got a sigh in return, and he kissed the tip of my nose. And then my lips. And then he was dancing with my tongue. And as suddenly he pulled back. "Yeah, but sex is great too!"
We made it to my room. "I've got something I want to show you." I clicked on Squealing Gay Video Boy, on his back, legs apart. Regular partner boy with his bigger than mine and Ben's yet not massive cock inside him, pushing hard, SGVB's hand going urgently on his own cock, grunting, tensing, squirting. He grunts so prettily!
"Can we? Would you let me?"
"It hurt you a bit?"
"Good hurt, but yeah. That site though..."
"The exploration stuff?"
"Mmhmm. That says it needn't hurt at all..."
"I know. I read it. Did some exploring, too."
"We've got all day..."
This time I kissed the tip of his nose. "Lie down I think I love you!"
"You talked me into it, you smooth talking bastard!"
No idea quite when clothes had vanished, my duvet was on the floor on top of them and we were on my bed.
"I don't think I'd mind it hurting a bit, because it'll be you, Jerry." He sounded nervous, though. "Was it a lot?"
"I wanted it to hurt, It wasn't 'didn't mind', it was a need to know, to feel, to remember. And it was more than a bit, yes."
"Let's make it not. I'm kind of not into hurting. You can be weird you know."
We took our time. I spent the next few minutes kissing my way down his chest. I nipple nibbled. I'd read it was good. The way he wriggled it was! He smelled of peach shower gel. I missed out his cock, lifted his legs by the knees and sucked, very gently, each ball into my mouth. There was a different scent here, more earthy, peaches and boy, not peaches and cream. I took some time to study between his legs. Gay videos don't prepare you for the real thing.
I traced that weird zip fastener between his balls with my finger, lifted him further and saw, observed, studied the only real live arsehole I'd ever seen. It looked tight. The skin texture was different. Smooth and yet crinkled. The colour was very much Ben's normal skin colour, but the ridges made it a little different looking. It wasn't a hole. The way to his soul was tight shut, so tight it was only there to see if you knew it was there. And it had the scent of peaches and Ben. I knew it wouldn't smell of poo from mine.
I licked the zip. Ben wriggled and squealed. "What are you doing?"
Honestly? I had no idea. I didn't answer. Instead I found my tongue exploring the ridges, swirling round, tasting, well, not much. A hint of Ben. And he was wriggling, only towards me. I was licking Ben's arsehole! This wasn't planned. I was licking it and kissing it. And my tongue was swirling round and pushing at the doorway! Which would never do. Never. I heard squeals, felt him press down, and he opened a little, enough to let the tongue tip enter just a little. And, as I pushed, I felt him writhe and pulse. And I wanted to be inside him with every part of me. I knew he was there, I felt, heard him as he reached the peak, felt him push me away.
His chest was peppered with his sperms. "Jer, no hands! You did that with no hands."
I kissed him. "Dirty boy, I know where that's been!" He giggled.
"If I can kiss it you can kiss me!"
I snuggled next to him, and played with the peppered spots. Slippery! And I took my finger down with a payload to where my tongue had just been. The two moistnesses of spit and semen combined to make him slippery all the way in. My finger slipped in with nothing to stop it. My tongue must have loosened him. Something else to learn. "Ben? What do you think?"
"Can anything be better?"
"Wanna find out?"
"Yeah... If I say stop?"
"Got it." I scooped up as much as was left on his chest, applied it below, and pushed his legs back, knees to ears. "Grab your ankles a sec." I lined up. Wondered about foreskin and decided it could take care of itself. "Ready?"
"No, but go ahead!"
I didn't want to rush. I knew I wanted some pain and he wanted none. I'm not enormous in the cock department, but it was bigger than my finger. I added a little pressure. All sorts of sensations arrived at once. The biggest was a need to push inside hard. I had pressure holding me out, slipperiness inviting me in, and the oddest half tense feeling as I felt him ease open. "Ok so far?"
"Shut up and fuck me!" I sensed gritted teeth by his voice.
Tempting, but I knew that I needed to go slow. Gradually I eased ahead, watching his face. It was tense and relaxed at the same time. "Just like Yuu," I breathed.
"We've been here before. Yuu and Natsuki Yuu, not you and me you."
"Shh, I need to concentrate!" I was almost at the widest point of my approach to sanctuary.
"Go on. Feels weird. I think I like it!"
If I'd had pubes They'd have been tickling his balls. "I'm in!"
"No shit, Sherlock!"
"Nothing that matters. Go for it."
There's something entirely ludicrous about a serious conversation when up to your armpits in a gorgeous boy wriggling beneath you. I giggled.
"Do that again?"
"When you laughed it was intense."
Instead I pulled back. I wanted to be in control of myself, to aim for his hot spot every time I went in. It wasn't likely that he'd cum again so soon, but I wanted it to be amazing for him, for my Ben. My Ben. I knew I'd hit it on the first inward thrust when he squealed. Then again "Do that again. Do it more, do it lots!"
I didn't know about lots! I felt a tight band stopping me push in, holding me when I pulled out. I got lost in it, slowed down, savoured it, heard a voice "Harder. Fuck me harder. I won't break. Do it. Fuck me. Hard, hard, hard." then little grunts, like SGVB, "uh, uh, uhh, uhhh, uhhh!" The pitch rose higher, the grunts matched my thrusting. "Harder, harder, meeee, fuck meeeeeeeeeeee!" I didn't believe he could cum again, not so soon. Not much, but enough to make him throw his head back and wail that last 'me'. I had about five more strokes, then mine hit me, then it hit him, too. My body took over. Hips forwards, clenching, pumping into him, trying to replace what he'd just pumped out, trying to climb right into his body. I wanted, he wanted, we wanted it to last for ever.
And I collapsed onto him, pressing into him with all I had left, lying on his thighs, his chest, my cock most definitely wilting as the tremors ceased and the tears took over.
Which was something I never expected, to be sobbing and so happy, lying on top of my boy, my Ben, my Ben.
"Why're you crying?"
And so was he. I think we got the sheets wetter with tears than anything else.
We lay there for ever, wept out; we dozed a little, side by side, no longer one body, but two, linked for ever by something undefinable. He woke, or I did. I kissed his eyelids. He kissed my nose. We dozed and woke alternately, like breathing in and out.
"That," he said, when we both woke finally, "was something I can't begin to describe, and want to do an awful lot more."
"I'm leaking, I think."
"I did, too. Clench! I wanted to keep you inside me."
"Can't. Gotta go! And now!"
I knew that feeling, He'd be sitting there for ages, but it couldn't be denied.
"I love you Ben. Not sure why I never realised before. Maybe slow burn is best?"
"I love you too. But right now I need the loo!" And he wriggled clear and made a dash for it.
"That better not happen every time," he said when he came back. "I was sitting there, twitching, nothing happening, for ages.
"Want a bath? We've got hot water."
"I'd prefer a shower."
"Thought you might like to soak your arse."
"Tempting... tempting... no. Shower, please. But..."
"This is going to sound soft."
"Soft is one thing you're not." I didn't mean in the dick department. Ben always stood his ground, never gave way to anyone, even lads way bigger than him, and was a mixture of slim and four square.
"Jerry, will you wash me, please? All over. Top to toe?"
That sounded good. "Sounds like a plan."
"I mean just a wash. Like something a loving dad would do for his son. I miss my dad... I hardly remember him, but I remember being loved by him, held in his arms, given a bath by him. It'd be..."
"Completing?" I had an idea suddenly, maybe wrong, about what was inside my Ben's head.
"Yeah, 'completing'. That's a good word."
"I can't think of anything I'd like to do better. It's personal, a gift, me to you." He had tears again. I think he was somewhere else inside his head. "Benny?"
"He used to call me that. I loved him, Jer. And he died."
"When you want, Benny, as often as you want, even if you've told me before, I'd like to hear about him, and you."
"It's hard, mate. I've had to be strong for Mum, not cry, not talk about him too often, at all, really."
"You've got me now. You can tell me whatever you want whenever you need." It was odd, like a part of me had grown up ten years or more. Fourteen year old me had a boyfriend. Twenty four plus year old me had a kid, kind of.
I washed him just as promised. I remembered back to when Dad had washed little Jeremy. Made sure the shampoo didn't get into his eyes, and then soaped him carefully, a bit at a time, and massaged everywhere with strong hands, careful not to tickle, not to arouse, just to comfort, to make him feel valued, and clean and new.
We didn't talk as I washed him. It was a service, something very important, but so simple. Brothers do it for younger brothers, I'm sure they do, but this was more... cleansing, more intense, more personal. I washed every part of him, even the parts we'd just been using so hard. And neither of us were sexually aroused, even when I washed under his foreskin, even when I cleaned between his cheeks, even when I washed and massaged his thighs, his calves.
And then I rinsed him down one more time and wrapped him in my own towel, and cuddled and rubbed him dry. No larking about, no giggling. He was vulnerable. So, I discovered, was I.
I did kiss him when he was dry. On the forehead, like I thought his dad might have done.
I wondered if he was scared that loving me would make me die and leave him. I suspected it, didn't like to ask, not then. If it was important it would come out one day. More important was loving my boy in the way he needed at that moment.
And I did.
I never expected it.
But I did.
Whatever the future held I loved my Ben.
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