Autumn evening:
desert is the station
But I'm not alone.
The long journey ended, at the Hamburg port we said good bye. We both were conscious that probably we would never again meet, and yet we parted with a "see you", as if really we had to meet just a couple of days later. Without mawkishness, sure, but with some sadness. It was ineluctable, we both well knew that, but we had fitted well together.
From Hamburg we went by train to Berlin, escorted by officials of the Chancellor Bismarck and of our Embassy who came to receive us. The chiefs of our mission were hosted in a nice villa at the gates of the Capital. For us students, instead, the Embassy had expressly rented a house. It was not far from downtown, an old but dignified building, not far from the railways station. We all had to attend German classes at the Imperial University, but then, if we were proficient in our studies, we were almost free.
My companions, who in Japan were so westernised, now tended instead to hang together. I, on the contrary, was curious about the life of that country so different from ours, therefore I was more eager to form bonds with the German students. It was not so difficult for me, because they were, after all, curious about a so "exotic foreigner" as a Japanese was to them.
It really was a world different from ours. Germany is one of the main powers in Europe. As our chief had explained to us, we had to understand the reason of its power. But inside me, besides that interest, there was also a more personal, secret desire: to find other men like me. Possibly also a lover, or at least some adventures. So, from the first days, I started to look around with that aim clear in my mind.
Anyway several months elapsed before I found someone. The hints that Larry had given me, for sure helped. But he had also warned me - in that land any kind of sexual relation between two people of the same gender was illegal and one could even risk prison. Who knows why, such a modern land, had so an absurd law? And similar laws, I became aware later, existed in almost all the civilised Europe.
It was Autumn when I had my first adventure in Berlin. A gentle Autumn evening, also in Germany Autumn is a very beautiful season, with its thousands of quiet colours, its delicate nuances of yellow, orange, brown and green. Also air has a peculiar colour and smell. Someone said that Autumn is sad, but I don't agree - it is a quiet, warm, placid season.
I had dinner at the home of one of my German university fellows, and was going back to our home. I was passing near the Saint Francis Church, when I noticed a soldier, in his tight uniform, leaning against a street lamp. I looked at him, curious. In that young soldier there was something languid and attracting. His uniform gave a nice emphasis his shapes and in particular the swelling in his basket. He too looked at me and when our eyes met, he sketched a smile. I thought it could be a discreet signal, as well as just curiosity for the fact that I was so clearly a foreigner. I couldn't tell. My curiosity, united to hope, pushed me to go towards him.
I was now at a few paces from him, when he straightened up and went in the direction opposite to mine. At first I thought I had been wrong interpreting his half smile, and stopped, hesitant to look at him going away, and was about to resume my way. But when he reached the crossing with a lane, he turned towards me, looked at me, smiled, now more openly, end entered the lane disappearing from my sight. So, I decided to follow him, even if I didn't clearly understand how things were.
I saw him standing a little farther, looking in my direction. My heart started to beat faster and I continued to walk towards him. When I was at a few paces from him, he again resumed to walk and turned in another lane. Again I asked myself if I was mistaken, but decided to follow him. He stopped near a house main door, under a gaslight, looking again towards me. I advanced with a decided pace. This time he didn't move.
When I was near him, I hesitantly said: "Good evening."
"Ah, you speak German, happily." he said with a smile.
"Yes."
I was not wrong. He was interested in me because I was a stranger, but he also wanted to have sex with me. The door near which he stopped was of a landlord where he thought to take me. I followed him, filled in anticipation. The apartment was dreary, badly illuminated, and smelly. The room had a wide bed and in a corner a flaking sink.
He paid for the room, after the landlord said him "Tell the Chinese not to piss in the sink." We locked the door.
"I am not Chinese." I said.
"Ah no? And where are you from, then?"
"Japan."
"Is it not the same?"
"Are you Spanish?"
"Me? No, I'm German." he said somewhat surprised.
"Is it not the same?" I then asked with a smile.
He too smiled and said: "Yes, I understand. But now, let's undress, come on."
To me, to look at a well-shaped male while he undresses, has always been a real enjoyment, even if now I prefer for me to undress them. But at that time I would have been too shy to do it. So I enjoyed the show while the soldier was undressing and I followed suit. He too was observing with care all over my body as it revealed to his eyes. I was his first Oriental, I think. He, I never knew his name, he was to me my second Westerner and my fourth man. Even if he was not really beautiful, he was not bad at all. We made love. He had an almost animal sensual charge, and a strange smell. All the westerners have a strange smell, to tell the truth, not unpleasant, when you are used to it. Possibly the people of each land has his characteristic smell, and possibly it seems to me that we Japanese don't have it just because it is my same smell.
After we made love, while we were dressing, he started to ask me several questions - who I was, what was I doing in Berlin, and so on. A curious thing - he asked me if I was circumcised. When I explained him that no, that all we Japanese have the glans naturally uncovered, he seemed really amazed. Westerners in fact, have all the prepuce skin completely covering their glans - it is very uncomfortable when you have to wash it, I think, but I always found it really fascinating.
When he heard I was a student, he asked me: "So, possibly, you would like to earn some extra money from time to time, right? Students, like we soldiers, are always penniless."
"Well..." I hesitant answered, not understanding what he really wanted to say.
"If you feel like it, I can take you to meet some people... Very rich people, important, who like young and available males. You who are a stranger and so different, would for sure be welcome. You could even find a steady lover ready to maintain you... Are you interested?"
"Why are you proposing me that?"
"Because those sirs pay me if I introduce to them a new boy, nice and available."
"But do you do sex, with them?"
"Sure, and each time I receive gifts, and money."
"I don't understand. How does it work?"
"They organise parties, and we are there, we eat and drink with them, and if one of them asks us to accompany him somewhere, it is done."
"We, you say? We, who?"
"My friends, soldiers, students, even some workers. All chosen people. If one of these sirs wants to have a party at his place for his friends, he tells me. He tells me how many boys he wants. I spread the news to my friends and we go. It's simple and safe."
"But what people are the guests?"
"Aristocrats, rich merchants, bankers, industrialists... and even some politicians."
I thought it could be interesting, both to enter in that milieu, and to have sex, so I accepted, even if I had the feeling of becoming so a geisha of the lowest degree.
It was so that I met Otto von Kleiden.
I didn't meet him the first time I went with that soldier at one of those parties, but a good while after. In fact in that period Otto was abroad. As the soldier had foreseen, I raised much curiosity and several were the men who asked me to "accompany" them.
Those "parties" were in all and for all just like any other party. You ate, drank, and chatted. Just, when between one of the guests and one of the boys seemed to raise some feeling, the guest, in one way or another, invited the boy and the two went away together. The first time, I remember that very well, a middle aged banker with whom I was talking and that I liked enough, suddenly asked me if I would have liked to see his collection of ancient handguns. At first I thought I was not his type and that the invitation meant what the words said, but I accepted because I was too shy to refuse his offer. He brought me with his landau to a house where there was not even the shadow of a handgun, but as compensation there was a wide tester bed that gave us hospitality for the night. The following morning he accompanied me near my place with his landau and, just a moment before I got out, he slipped in my chest pocket something. It was a good sum, I later saw. Other times, instead, the invitation was more explicit, like "Would you like to spend your night with me?" But usually was just a simple "Do you feel like escorting me home?" or "I would like to show you where I live," or else "I would like to show you something interesting..." or "I would like to introduce you to my best friend" (that is his member, of course) or "Do you feel like coming to have the stirrup cup at my place?".
Also the gifts were not always money. Especially if it was not the first time having sex together. They could be clothes, or jewels or other gifts, but always of a certain value.
There were about three or four of those parties each month, and always in the mansions of the same two or three sirs playing the host. The guests, on the contrary, changed rather often, even if there were the regulars.
Otto von Kleiden appeared at one of those parties about one year after I was in Berlin. The mission went back to Japan with a courteous but firm "no" from Bismarck, who put the condition that Japan had to first change its penal laws. So just we students remained in Germany, in the house rented by the Embassy from which we received also a kind of monthly allowance. The study at the university was taking a good part of my time, but didn't prevent me from attending those parties, where I really wanted to participate, because they were my best occasion to meet important people and after to write interesting things in my monthly report to the Embassy, but also because I didn't dislike at all to accompany some of those distinguished people, even if they were all much older than me.
When Otto first entered the party hall, I at once noticed him. Not only he was really beautiful, but also the youngest I never saw amongst the guests. He was then thirty-one years old that is exactly ten years older than me. He had a proud, elegant, self-assured bearing. His eyes were penetrating, luminous, with a hint of a smile, as if everything and everybody after all amused him. He was tall, lean, elegant, and from him emanated strength, energy, and aura. I at once felt strongly attracted by him.
But that first time he seemed almost not to notice me, or at least he didn't seem at all interested in me. After greeting his friends, he went straight to talk to a young soldier and he remained all evening talking with him, until they both left together.
I have to confess that I felt somewhat disappointed. I hoped he would come to talk with me. That evening I had to content myself with a baron with the hobby of photography. Naked young men, of course. Before having sex with me, he made me undress and shoot several pictures. At first I didn't want to, I was really ashamed. I accepted only after he showed me dozens and dozens of pictures of young men he had had in his bed after taking their pictures.
Also in the following party, that Otto came to, he didn't seem interested in me. That evening he chose another soldier. So that I thought that he was interested exclusively in the young men in uniform. The same for two or three more evenings.
But at last, one evening...
I was almost resigned to the idea that that splendid man that fascinated me so much was not interested in me. And yet, each time I saw him, I could not avoid being more than conscious of his presence, I could not avoid continuing to look furtively at him almost continually, whoever I was talking with, even if I was at that point sure not to have much hope.
The dinner was over, we were chatting in the wide lounge, in small groups, as usual. There was a high ranking officer of the cavalry who seemed particularly attracted by me and I was asking myself if and when he would invite me to go with him, and if I would have answered with a yes or a no, when Otto, who was talking with other people, looked towards me and, contrary to other times, didn't look away.
He was looking straight into my eyes with his limpid and penetrating eyes, and I felt to flare up. I saw him standing up, always staring at me, and coming towards me.
I was deeply stirred. I looked at him, fascinated, almost like the sparrow mesmerised by a snake. I saw him come towards me, with his usual smile barely fluttering on his beautiful straight lips, whose corners bent slightly upwards. I held my breath for seconds that seemed eternal.
Meanwhile I stood up. He stopped in front of me.
"Good evening, Herr Fujita." he said with a polite tone.
"Good evening." I answered, astounded he knew my name. Therefore, he inquired after me! I then thought, confused but clearly pleased.
"May I offer you a drink?"
"Thank you. Very kind of you."
He made me a gentle gesture towards the drinks bar and we went there.
I was decidedly moved and almost trembling. When near the bar, instead of stopping there as I thought, he made me the gesture to go farther. Slightly stupefied, I followed him and he smiled seeing my confused expression. He guided me to the terrace.
Here he said me: "No, not here. I wanted to invite you to drink something at my place. I am certain you will not refuse."
"What gives you this certainty, sir?" I asked, mentally treating me as stupid not to have accepted at once his invitation. He could possibly, just for my answer, change his mind.
"The way you look at me every time, from the first moment you see me to the last. It seems that you have eyes only for me. You have to really like me very much."
"I am sorry to have bothered you with my glances."
"On the contrary!" he affirmed strongly.
"But you seemed unaware of me, sir."
"On the contrary..." he repeated, but this time with a gentleness that surprised me.
I looked at him, astounded.
"On the contrary," Otto repeated almost in a murmur, "you, Herr Fujita, attract me very much, believe me."
"I really didn't guess it. You didn't give me any hint to understand it, to imagine it. Rather, I thought you did not like me, you were not interested in me."
"Oh no. I like you too much." he said with warmth.
"Too much? I don't understand."
"Yes, too much. To me, from the first time I looked at you, you were different from all the other boys. And I don't intend to say because you are an Oriental. I feel too much, too much attracted by you, and this made me afraid. You have like... a power. I decided to resist you, but I could not. I am not able to put you out of my mind, of my thoughts. One pain drives out another, I was telling to myself, therefore each time I choose a different boy, one more beautiful than the other. But each time I could only think of you. So, this evening, I capitulated and decided to ask you to come with me."
I followed him to his home. I spent with him a night full of passion, really wonderful. Otto taught me to kiss. At first it seemed to me something strange, I was not used to it, but soon I found it terribly sensual and pleasurable. We fell asleep when it was almost dawn, tightly connected and, for the moment, sated. When I woke up, it was noon. He was still near me, awake, and was looking at me.
I looked at the watch and, seeing the time, murmured: "I was supposed to be at the university, now."
"And instead, you are here, with me."
"Can you have me accompanied at my home, sir, please?"
"Yes, if you want, but..."
"But?"
"Remain with me. Become my boyfriend, remain with me."
"Your boyfriend, sir?"
"Yes. My only boy. And just mine. If you say yes, I renounce all those parties, all those boys. Make me happy, and I will make you happy too, I promise. Come to live with me."
"But I have to attend the university, sir. And then my superiors, at the Embassy, what would they say if I leave our house?"
"To me they will not deny it. I know that you are here to study German society and economy. I will tell them that I offer you an internship in my father's industries. They will accept at once. If just you say yes. I never in my life begged anybody, but now I am begging you to accept."
"I like you very much, sir."
"Why don't you call me by my name?"
"I am not yet your boyfriend, sir."
"And you don't want to be?"
"You honour me."
"Please!"
"I..."
"I love you. Yes, I love you." he said with such a passionate and sincere tone that I felt overwhelmed, also because I clearly understood, in that moment, that in reality I too was totally in love with him.
We became lovers. As he foresaw, my chief at the Embassy not only didn't raise any objection to authorise me to accept Otto's official offer, but rather he complimented me on having got such a result.
Otto lived in an elegant mansion in the new suburbs of the Capital. In a corner of the wide garden, there was a small, two floored building where I was settled. On the ground floor was the kitchen, the room of the cook-waiter-general assigned to me to take care of me, the dining room and a lounge. On the first floor a wide bedroom, a small study, the bathroom and the veranda. All for me.
The waiter (or to better say the page, as Otto called him) was a man around forty year's old, and he was the only one who knew what really was the relationship tying me and Otto. He was a skilled, discreet person, but above all faithful to Otto and trustworthy.
Otto came to make love with me almost every day. What astounded me in his behaviour was that he was not at all ashamed that the page knew about us, and yet he was ashamed to undress in front of me, and when we made love, he always darkened the room so that I could not see him naked. At the beginning I suspected that he had some physical flaw to hide from me, and yet my hands felt a perfect body.
When I mentioned that, he said: "Just animals and primitive tribes have no decency about nakedness. But we are civilised beings and nudity does not suit us."
Here is another mystery of Western people. Differently than us Japanese, who bathe all together, naked, without any problem, but who dress with clothes that don't show the shapes of our bodies, the Westerners are ashamed of their nudity, but their clothes seem made expressly to exalt their sexual attributes. This is certainly not the only one, not the main difference between our two cultures. For instance, both we Japanese and the Westerners like and appreciate ancient objects. But while to us the marks of time are a value, a merit, to them, the more the antique object seems new, the more they appreciate it. We love the patina of time, Westerners instead, polish those objects until they shine as if they just came out from the shop or better from the hands of the craftsman.
Otto was very proud of me and very often he took me with him, introducing me as his lover to his friends partaking with us love for men, and as his close friend and protégée to the others. And about that, happened a curious fact.
"My family is of ancient nobility and is not accustomed to number amongst their friends people of humble extraction. You come from a noble family, isn't it?" he asked me one of the first days.
"No... Mine, is a samurai family, that is warriors, people of war, not Court nobles."
"But your Emperor abolished this distinction? Didn't he?"
"Yes, lately he abolished it."
"Therefore you are a noble, now."
"If you want to put it so, yes. But anyway my family will be considered some kind of lesser nobility. I would really not be able to define it, it seems to me that nothing similar exists here in your land."
"Here in Europe, anyway, your social level could correspond to that of our title of marquis, or baron. Yes, we can say you are a baron. I could not be seen around always in company of somebody without a title, you understand."
I really didn't understand, rather the problem seemed to me funny and worthless. But it seemed important to him, so I accepted and to everybody I became the "baron Fujita". It is like if here in Japan I was called "Fujita tono-sama", it seemed to me to have almost usurped that title. Anyway one can get used to anything, so I got used to being called "baron".
Otto was a very elegant man, and he wanted me to be elegant, so he made all my wardrobe new, at his expenses. But he accepted that, at least at home, I wore my beloved kimono. I think that to him it was like a more or less exotic gown. He had never been able to appreciate the beauty and elegance of the kimono. In a way he was really tied to his culture and all that was different was, to him, in the best of cases, "amusing". At the beginning I was annoyed to hear him define as "amusing" what I explained to him about our culture, so little by little I ceased to talk about those subjects. But, after all, I was there to understand his culture, not to diffuse ours, therefore that didn't bother me so much.
When we were alone, he was very kind, but always very self controlled, with me, and also somewhat detached. I think it came from the education he received. About that he was not so different from us Japanese. In bed, on the contrary, he was very warm and let appear through, without any problem, the animal side of his personality. He seemed almost like two different people. In a sense, anyway, I preferred him in bed. He was more true, he didn't control himself. And he was able to bring me to incredible pleasure levels.
Anyway, I felt very good with him. He always anticipated all my desires, even the smallest ones, with a discreet solicitude. He was also rather jealous, I had to be careful not to seem too much interested in other men because, as soon as we were alone, he subjected me to a tight interrogation - do you like that one? did he make you advances? and you to him? would you like to do something with him?... Happily he believed in my answers and calmed down, at least until the next occasion. So I decided to be careful not to give him reason to have these fears, so that I too started to assume a more detached attitude with the others.
I lived with him a little more than two years, that is until I had to come back to my land. They were two very beautiful and interesting years.
When the time of our parting came, he proposed I remain in Germany with him. I would have liked it, but I could not - the duty towards my land imposed me to come back. Otto accepted my decision with his usual detachment, as a real gentleman, even if I think he was somewhat disappointed. The last time we made love, I asked him to make me a gift - just once, I wanted to make love in the day light, I wanted to see him, look at him, enjoy him also with my eyes. He didn't accept at once, I had to insist, but at the end he accepted. He really was splendid! I filled my eyes with his sensual and virile image.
He accompanied me to the ship that would have brought me back to Japan. On board, after he made sure I was well set and that all my luggage was on board, he gave me his miniature, mounted in a small frame, on a flat box lid in gold and enamels.
"Will you remember me, my little Shige?"
"How could I forget you?"
"You will find another lover, and then..."
"And you? Do you think to forget me?"
"No, it is true. Forgive me. But I am so sad to see you to leave. Possibly we will never again meet."
"Will you not come to Japan?"
"I don't know. I don't think so."
"Life, at times, reserves surprises."
"At times, but very seldom. I loved you, my little Shige."
"I too Otto. I loved each moment spent with you. And I loved each span of your body."
At these words he suddenly blushed, but I understood that he was pleased I pronounced them, because his eyes shone. The siren whistled and we had to part. The ship left the port and soon he was just a dark diminishing dot on the wharf, far away.
I went back to my cabin, and faced with some sadness the return voyage, that was without history. I didn't regret to come back to Japan, on the contrary, but it pained me very much I had to part from Otto, and I asked myself if I could have one day a lover from which not to be forced, sooner or later, for one reason or another, to part.