Oh, there, there:
he has a new folding fan!
the neighbour says.
I could not have a single moment of intimacy with Yukichi. We were lucky if we just could exchange a few words far from inquisitive ears. I could not see him but in his school uniform or in that of the sports group, therefore I could know of his body just his gait, his face and his hands. And yet I already knew that Yukichi belonged to me and I to him. And I was happy.
Also the second year elapsed and Yukichi was amongst the best students of our school. I was clearly proud of him. Even in Mathematics, a subject I knew he didn't like, he had quite good marks. And the final judgement, decided by all the teachers, was rather flattering.
Tachikawa, after the meeting of the year's end of all the teachers, came near me and, talking with a low tone of voice, said: "That pupil Ida is really growing up nicely, isn't it?"
"What? Ah, yes, he is a good student."
"And he is always in love with his teacher of German language."
"What? Why?" I asked, trying to understand where he was aiming.
"And I think that professor Fujita didn't at all erase him from his heart. Am I wrong?" he continued in a conspiratorial tone, with a smile.
"I don't understand..."
"Come on, don't you trust me? I am your friend. But you know also that I am a fine observer. You two are still in love with each other, aren't you?"
"Between Ida and me there is nothing more than the normal relationship that could exist between a teacher and a student. Really. And anyway, if even we both wanted that, there could not be anything more, you know it very well. He sleeps here in the school's dormitory and doesn't go back home not either in the rest day, therefore we cannot even meet out of the lessons." I answered cautiously.
"Yes, of course, I know that. And I think it is a real shame, isn't it? For two people in love, I mean."
"Anyway, even if it was as you think, there will be nothing to do. You in person told me that between a professor and a student there could not be any different kind of relationship, didn't you?"
"Yes, certainly yes. But you will be his teacher just one more year. Two have already elapsed and the most is done, isn't it? You both have been exceptional -- continuing to love each other without trespassing the set limits. So then, I was thinking that..."
"You were thinking... what?" I asked curious, without even trying any more to deny the existence of a reciprocal feeling.
"As you know I am a member of the council of the elder teacher of this school. And I received the charge to decide for next year who have to be the colleagues who should act as counsellors for the students of the terminal year. A student can ask to meet his counsellor even once a week, in the small lounge, face to face, alone, as you know. So I was thinking that, if you accept, I'll entrust you the students Oshima, Nosaka, Yoshida and... Ida of course. Do you think to accept my request?" he asked with a conspiratorial smile, but without malice.
"I will do my best to be a good counsellor to all the students that you will entrust me." I answered trying to hide the joy I was feeling at that proposal.
"I am sure you will. As I am sure you will not allow yourself to do with Ida anything compromising. But I think just right you two could have at least the chance to communicate safely, in peace. It will do good to both of you. At times, even just being able to hold each other hand while talking, could be a priceless pleasure, am I wrong?"
"I am grateful, Tachikawa, for the trust you are showing me."
"You are still young, dear Fujita. You are just thirty-four years old, right? You are still young, but you deserve the utmost esteem and trust. I know you will not make me regret my decision."
"Absolutely. I am really grateful, professor Tachikawa."
"Eh, amongst colleagues, and not just in school, we have to help each other, right? I envy you. You always preferred boys with an age of after high school, therefore when at last the boy will leave this school, he will have the right age for you, and all will be done, will it not? On the contrary, I am doomed to love adolescents..."
"Your Kikujiro? This is his name, right?"
"No, I left him, it's almost six months. He was growing too fast, both in age and in claims. And then, I met a delicious boy near his fourteen years. He is really a flower. Are you smiling? Yes, I know, I always define them so, when I am in love. One day I will invite you and introduce him to you. He comes from a very good family, do you know? He is the grand-son of the new Education Minister."
"Of Mori Arinori? Is he the son of Ryoichi, by chance?"
"Do you know them? Yes, he is, Mori Aritada. He comes to my place for private lessons of English. But how comes that you know them?"
"When I was a university student, I was their guest. We are also far relatives. But, how did it happen?"
"The kid and me? I'll tell you. Not as you could guess. We first became lovers, then he decided he wanted to learn English. Or, to better say, he decided to learn English to become my lover. We met on the day I went to admire the blooming cherries with Kikujiro. Not far from where we spread our rug, there was the Mori family. I know just more than by sight Mori Arinori, so I said to Kikujiro to behave well, not to make me cut a bad figure, and went to pay my respect to the Mori family, then I went back to sit near the boy. When, while greeting the Mori family, I saw the young Aritada, I was simply shocked by his beauty. It has been love at first sight. But what to do? I was asking myself, I would for sure not have occasion to court him. After a while Kikujiro went to buy some drinks. I was there, alone, waiting for him, when I saw Aritada approaching me.
"The boy greets me and says: 'Who is this boy sitting here with you? He seems very clinging and you have much patience with him.' 'He is the son of friends," I answer not knowing what to say. 'Ah, really?' the boy asks, then adds 'I have been observing you for a while and he seems to me a low rank boy, notwithstanding his snobbish manners. I would not be so capricious, if I had the luck to be your friend. I would respect you, I would do the utmost to please you. Why do you not get rid of him, and take instead me at his place?' I look at him taken aback, and I ask him 'Do you know what are you saying, boy?' He answers 'Yes. I read in your eyes you like me -- even if I am still so young, I am able to understand these matters. I like you. Think about it, and if you free yourself of him, just let me know.' 'I could, I'll let you know, but how could we meet, anyway?' I ask, conquered by his boldness. 'You are a teacher of English, I heard. I could develop a sudden interest for that language. If you get rid of that boy, just send me a letter.' he said with a smile full of promise, and lightly went away.
"I already had a half intention to leave the actor. And that boy attracted me terribly. Therefore, that same evening I dismissed Kikujiro and wrote to Aritada telling him that it had been a real pleasure meeting him the previous day while admiring the blooming cherries. And I enclosed a poem:
Cherries admiring:
any other flower, oh,
at once forgotten.
he understood my message.
"I was soon summoned at Mori's house and was requested if I was available to teach privately English to Aritada... and so now we are lovers, and believe me, never a choice has been more happy. He is young as I like, and each time he is with me, he opens for me the Paradise doors. Do you know that he had his first man when he was eleven? And that he always chose his men? Isn't he exceptional? He is strong and determined like an adult and yet, when we share our intimacy, he is sweet like the most valuable honey, he his available and docile, he does its utmost to please me." he concluded with a dreaming and visibly pleased expression.
"I congratulate with you." I sincerely said.
As a counsellor, I had to be available for my four students one hour every day from Monday to Friday, when they could come to fix a meeting with me. I was waiting with longing for Yukichi to show up. He was prudent, he didn't ask to see me at once, but just on the third day.
When he entered in the small room, his glance was luminous as a day of Spring. "Professor Fujita, I couldn't believe to my luck when I read on the notice board that you were to be my counsellor. Amongst so many students and so many teachers, to be entrusted exactly to you! Destiny has been kind with us... We have so a full hour all for us, and not just today!"
On impulse, without reflecting, I spread my arms and he run to me. I held him tight, he held me tight. We were happy, deeply moved, stirred. Our bodies were reacting to that sweet embrace, to that coveted, and until that day impossible, proximity.
He became aware and then, with a lightly sad but wise expression, he said: "It is rather if we sit at the table, professor, before it becomes too difficult for me to control my desire."
"Yes, Yukichi, it is wiser. We have to keep faith to our engagement. One more year has to pass."
"But at least, I can tell you how much I love you."
"And I to you, my Yukichi. How are you?"
"Fine, near you. And you?"
"It seems to me as a dream being able to talk with you so, without fear of being overheard. I'm thinking of you day and night, do you know?"
"I'm counting the days parting us from the end of the school."
"Did you already decide what you will do, once you leave the High School?"
"I will try to enrol in the new Tokyo University. I will study German. I want to become a teacher of German like you are. If you agree."
"If only you could became a teacher at the University, how it was my dream!"
"And as the University, luckily, has not yet a dormitory, I will go to live... where you decide."
"Not with me?"
"Where you decide, as I said." he answered with a smile filled with warmth.
I stretched out my hand and took his own leaning on the table: "And at last we can be together. I desire you, Yukichi."
"I am yours, you know it. And you will make me yours. I knew other men, before you, but no one made me yet his own. You will be the first, and the only one."
"Did you have many men, before?"
"Well, I am still young but... more than one."
"Why did you fall in love with me?"
"It was possibly our destiny, don't you think? Perhaps in a preceding life we were married, who knows. Or anyway lovers. As soon as I saw you, at the admission ceremony, I understood that I could belong only to you. That I had to be yours. I never doubted it a single moment."
"Do you know that your love made me the happiest man in the world? Do you know that I never loved anyone so intensely? That I was waiting for you since always? Even before knowing you really existed?" I said and told him about the portrait I drew, years before.
He listened and nodded, happy but not at all astounded, as if I told him obvious things.
That hour passed even too fast, but was delicious. We never had had so much time just for us. I was deeply grateful to my colleague Tachikawa.
He came again and we spent more hours together. As to come to meet me he had to ask for the authorisation to the various teachers, we agreed that he would ask each time to a different teacher and mainly to Tachikawa, so as not to be too conspicuous. Moreover I, as the other students came, gave them a date for the following week, so that it was not only Yukichi to come often to see me.
Each time we were alone, desire flared up really intense, but we were determined not to trespass the limit we had imposed on ourselves. We were talking about us, about our love, also about our desire, and we made plans.
All seemed to proceed for the best, but in September there happened a small accident.
I bought a new suit and my faithful Naosuke, who was anyway always so careful, forgot to move my turnip from the old waistcoat to the new one. I didn't notice that. Therefore that morning I went to school without my turnip. I became aware only when it was time to go to the classroom and I, as usual, looked for my turnip in my waistcoat pocket. And my first hour was exactly in Yukichi classroom. Woe is me! What could think my sweet boy seeing me without my turnip? What could I do? I was worried.
I entered in the classroom a little tense, looking at once towards my Yukichi -- his expression didn't change, he remained serious, impassive, but his eyes widened a little and became fix, glassy.
I went to the desk and immediately said: "At times, inadvertently, one in the morning forgets important things, or even essential. They are unforgivable forgetfulness, for which one would never end to apologise. Nothing changed, notwithstanding the appearance, even if our forgetfulness could give pain to somebody. But there is no reason, absolutely no reason. This morning, for instance, I forgot to take with me my turnip, but tomorrow it will surely be again at my waistcoat and nothing will be changed." My students must have thought that it was a bit weird speech, possibly exaggerated, eccentric. But the light shone back in Yukichi's eyes, and just that was important to me.
When we met again alone, I at once apologised for the unintentional pain I caused him. He smiled: "You have been skilled in making me understand it was just an unimportant episode and I had nothing to fear. Thank you, anyway, for worrying about me. It has been a real love deed for which I am grateful."
"Because I love you, Yukichi!"
"And I love you, more than ever." then he added with an air of sweet reproach: "But I could possibly forget to wear my trousers, but never the talisman to remember you my love."
I smiled: "I would like seeing you wearing just your talisman..."
He too smiled, but didn't answer.
Of course I was talking also with the other three students entrusted to me. But with them we almost exclusively talked about their studies and the prosecution at the university. One of them, Nosaka Shigeru, was really passionate of classical Japanese literature but his family wanted him to specialise in modern languages and literatures. He didn't want to oppose them but was deeply distressed.
"Listen, Nosaka. You could dedicate to comparative literature studies. So, even making happy your family, you can study what you most like."
"Comparative literature? What does it means?"
"It means that you have to know very deeply your own literature and that of at least one or two foreign countries, so that you can find all the points they have in common, also the less evident, to then point out how they are faced and developed in the two cultures."
"It seems interesting! Who teaches comparative literature? In which university?"
"Nobody yet. You will have to do all by yourself. But Europeans are masters in this subject, they printed several good books about the comparative method for literature. And you are able to read, at least, those in English and German, then to learn the method and to apply it. If you are interested, you could even become the first, or one of the first experts in comparative literature in Japan."
Nosaka seemed enthusiastic about the idea, above all when I told him that I could find the books for him. In fact I wrote to Otto, with whom I was always in contact, asking him to find and to send me those texts, which he did with much solicitude.
I told Otto, in a previous letter, about my falling in love with Yukichi, and he sent me his wishes. About him, he started again to attend the saloons and to choose a different boy each time, meeting often those he liked best, but without binding with any of them. But I noticed that he was talking more and more about a young gypsy musician, and I asked myself if something wasn't being born. I wished it in my heart -- how pleasurable it could be passing from adventure to adventure, but there is nothing better than a steady lover.
About the other students, I didn't like so much Yoshida. He was excessively self assured and believed too much on his own value, he was excessively proud of his noble origins. Anyway I tried to treat him and to help him like all the others with my advice.
About Oshima, I gradually became aware he was attracted exclusively by his own gender. He was not really handsome, at least according my canons of virile beauty, but he was very likeable and agreeable. Without having ever faced the subject of his private life, I was more and more certain about my guess, who soon had a very dramatic confirmation.
It was a December evening, and I was waiting for Sadao, when there came to my home a clerk of the dormitory of my school to ask me to urgently go to the school. Oshima attempted suicide. They saved him, tried to understand the reason for that gesture by a talented student apparently without problems, but the boy didn't talk if not to say "Why didn't you let me die?" So they thought that I, being his counsellor, could be able to make him open up, confide.
I told my servant Naosuke to wait for Sadao and to excuse me with him, explain to him the unexpected event, I dressed up and went in hurry to the dormitory of our school.
Oshima had been brought to a room in the dormitory with only one bed, and was watched by another clerk. I entered and waved to the man to let us alone. I sat near the bed of the boy who was lying with his eyes shut.
"Oshima, I am professor Fujita. I would like to talk with you."
The boy kept still, his eyes shut, silent.
"I know you hear me. Open your eyes and answer me."
He didn't give sign of life. I then put my hand on his cheek in a light caress and said in a low voice: "I know that you feel terribly sad and lonely, and you think that nobody can understand you, help you. And yet, I am here for you, and I would really like to be of help to you. Why don't you try to up open for me, to tell me what pushed you to refuse to live? At times, just talking with somebody can help us to better understand."
From the shut eyes of Oshima, two silent tears come down. I dried them and continued to talk to him, trying to persuade him to tell me what was afflicting him, but to no avail.
Then, continuing to caress his cheek, I asked in a whisper: "Is it because you prefer men's love, isn't it?" I dared.
He widened his eyes, looked at me in amazement and murmured, in an almost imperceptible voice: "How can you know that?"
I hit the target! I smiled him reassuringly: "I don't know it, but I guessed it since a while. Don't you think it could be good if we talk about it? You can open to me without worries."
He told me -- for two years he was the lover of a man. They met, and then could make love, just in the weekends, that is when he went back home. For those two years he had been faithful to that man, notwithstanding he felt for him just affection. But, since the beginning of that school year, Oshima shared his room with a boy of the first year. Soon started between them a strong liking, then both became aware to be in love with each other, then they started to make love every night, swearing each other eternal love.
Then Oshima thought fair to tell the man that their story was at an end. But the man didn't want to lose him. So, being that man his father's employer, he asked his parents for Oshima to marry with his daughter, and he would take him as an adopted son-in-low, so he could have the boy in his home and continue to have him as his lover. His parents, not knowing the true reason for the proposal, and allured, readily and gratefully accepted.
Oshima tried to oppose but all his protests were to no avail. He didn't want to marry, he didn't absolutely want to go again in that man's bed, a man that now he hated, he didn't want to be parted from his boy, but he had to inevitably do all that. Therefore, he concluded, he had no other choice than put an end to his life.
"Who is your roommate?"
"Irota Masato."
"You really love each other?"
"Yes. If I can't stay with him, I'd rather die."
"And he?"
"He swore he will kill himself on my grave."
"Very romantic, exactly like in the old stories, but really not so wise, don't you think? There could be different solutions, don't you think?"
"We couldn't find any other solution. I will never, ever go back to that man. I'll kill myself, you can not prevent me for ever."
"For the moment, just wait. I will call Irota to come here to watch you, and meanwhile I will look for a solution for both of you."
"If Irota comes here, we will kill ourselves together."
"Why don't you rather make love? I will give order that nobody enters this room if it is not Irota to call, so you can have no worry. Listen, let make a pact -- if I can't find a solution, I will let you to do as you please, but until that day, you will no more attempt suicide. Agreed?"
"I don't know what you can really do, professor Fujita, but I accept your proposal. But, why do you want to help us? I cannot understand."
"Because I respect your love. Does your father know that you love Irota? Does he know about that man and you?"
"No, I never told him. And anyway it would be completely useless, believe me. It is for sure not him who would respect our love. And now that he gave his word, to his employer... he would just tell me to endure, as such is life! I know him very well. What solution could it be, besides death?"
"I don't yet know, but trust me, at least for a while..."
I went to talk with Irota. I found the boy determined to follow his Oshima to the end. I told him about the pact I made with his lover and I accompanied him to Oshima's room.
For that day I could do nothing more, but I already had a half idea about what I could try to do on the following day. Therefore I went back home. It was very late and of course Sadao would not be at my home any more. When I entered, at once Naosuke showed up.
"Welcome home, master. I... I have to ask your forgiveness!" he said and, falling to my feet, he prostrated himself in front of me.
I looked at him amazed: "Well? What's up? What have you been up to?" I asked.
"I know I should not have, but... When Sadao-san came, he and I... it is my fault, master, only my fault, but I always liked Sadao-san so much, and so..."
I understood and smiled. But with a severe voice I asked: "So, taking advantage of my absence, you two made love?"
"Yes, master." he whined.
"And I bet that you both even enjoyed it!"
"Yes, master."
"Good. That means that next week, you will be again at my place. I had anyway, sooner or later, to leave him, you know that very well. If you two fit well together, I can't but be happy for both of you. Stand up, come on!" I said gently.
"The master is not mad at me? The master will forgive me?"
"Certainly yes. But now, tell me in every detail how it happened. Sadao did accept at once?"
Well, now also that problem was settled and I was really happy for that solution.
Now I had to find a solution to the problem, much more difficult and serious, of Oshima and Irota. Next day I contacted several of my friends, amongst them there were also some influential people, and all of them sharing my same predilection for males. A plan took shape, developed, acquired body. Certainly there was a price to pay, but it could be worth.
I went to see the two boys and explained them my plan -- they had to run away from the dormitory, together. A coach would be waiting for them, and bring them to the house of a friend of mine in Kamakura. Here they would wait until another of my friends took them documents with new identities -- with a new name, they would pass for brothers. Another of my friends, who had just opened an editorial agency, would hire them with their new identity, giving them a fair salary and even a home. The price to pay -- they both had to renounce their studies, and to their dream to enter the Waseda university.
The boys immediately accepted, gratefully -- they would have willingly renounced to anything just to live together and the solution I was proposing them seemed to them even too beautiful -- a job, a home, a new life, together.
Oshima again asked me why I took all that trouble for them. So I answered: "Because I too love a boy. And I would never want that something could part me from him. Therefore, I understand you, boys. Also my friends will help you for the same reason."
"All of them are like us?" Irota asked astounded, then, with hesitant voice, asked: "But... what do they expect in exchange from us?"
"Nothing. Gratitude, perhaps. But not in that meaning, don't worry. Like me, each of them has his lover, therefore they are not looking for adventures. No, you really can love each other without obstacles, in a few days. Certainly your families will look around for you, but they possibly will not think to look for you as far as Kamakura."
Three days later they ran away. Of course there where investigations. Both the family, I presume, guessed the real reason for that escape, as the two boys had disappeared together, and just short after the attempt suicide of one of them... I too was examined for a long time, but I pretended not to have the faintest idea about the reason or about the place where they could have escaped.
Only to Yukichi, when he wanted to know all the story, I told the entire truth. At the end he embraced me and kissed me (it was our first kiss!) and said: "This is the reward that my man deserves for what he did for those two boys!"
"I hoped in a more intimate reward, to tell the truth." I said jokingly.
He deliciously blushed then, parting from me, said: "Still a few months ant then, finally, you can do of me all I desire for ever, professor. Ah, do you know, I already said to my parents that I have started to look around for a room for when I will enter the university. They agreed. And of course, I will find that room at your home. So, I guess that they will come to Tokyo to meet you and to see the room, you know how it is... Do you have a room, any room, to show them?"
"Certainly. It is small and nice, overlooking the river. I'll make it ready."
"But... in reality... I will stay with you? You will not put me in another room, will you? We will sleep in the same futon, right?"
"Certainly, my sweet Yukichi. It is two years I don't dream but this, you know it. I will buy a nice double mattress, expressly for you and me. The best and most beautiful I can find."
"Will you allow me to come with you to choose it, professor?" he asked lightning up in a glance filled with hope.
"Certainly. As soon as the school is over and we both can be free."
The last weeks elapsed rather quickly. Yukichi had good marks and also passed the admission exam for the Imperial University of Tokyo.
I then gave him my turnip, saying him: "Now I don't need this any more, it is yours, as I am."
"Then I'll give you my talisman, in the wait to give you all myself. But come, please, professor, as you know there are my parents who came to meet you."
Both were dressed with a formal kimono. His father was a man around ten years older than me, short and stocky, very different from Yukichi. His mother was instead a delicate and pretty woman and it was evident that Yukichi took mainly from her.
They both bowed deeply: "Professor, we would express our deep thanks to have cared our son Yukichi. He told us how much you assisted him with your precious advice. We really can not express all our gratitude. Here, it is a small present of no value, but we pray you to accept it all the same." his father said handing me a parcel wrapped in a wonderful silk furoshiki.
"You take too much faith in me. I can assure you that it was a real pleasure to follow your Yukichi -- a so talented boy." I answered.
"He told us that you have the courtesy to be available to rent him a room in your house, professor, for all the time he has to attend the university. Will not that be too much an annoyance to you? We are afraid our son could become a burden to you."
"No no, on the contrary, I am really glad if he can came to live under my roof. Would you like to come and see the room he can use?"
"Ah, professor, we entrust our son to you. We, living so far away, would not be able to really take care of him. Our hearts would be much more at rest knowing he can have a shelter under your roof. And you. Yukichi, be always compliant and submissive with the professor, more than if he was your father. Be sure to do always as and what he tells you, I order you."
"Do not have the slightest doubt, Father. I will be more obedient than a kerai to his tono-sama, I swear. A wish of the professor, will be an order to me." Yukichi readily answered looking at me with luminous eyes, but with a very serious expression.
They came to my home. I had Naosuke prepare a good traditional meal for us four, and after showing them "Yukichi small room", we sat at the table.
His father, during the meal, told me that he would send to his son every month a sum for his expenses and to pay me food and room. The family of the boy didn't certainly lack money, as his father was a wealthy land owner of an ancient family of the lesser nobility of the province. His mother was an agreeable woman, and his father had a deep classical culture. I liked them. Also they must have liked me, because after they left, while Yukichi was seeing them at the railway station, they were just singing my praise to their son. Yukichi told me so when he came back.
While I was waiting for him, I opened the parcel I received from Yukichi's parents. It contained a refined box of the best lacquer, with inside a set for the calligraphy, that must have cost a big sum. I called Naosuke asking him to put it in the right closet, and to spread the new mattress in my room.
"He is so beautiful, the young master! Congratulations, master. I wish you to be always happy, together."
"Thank you Naosuke. And between Sadao and you, how are things proceeding?"
"Ah, very well, yes, and we both are really grateful to the master as he allows us to stay together. He, each time he goes to drink at evening at the inn on the other side of the bridge, on his way back stops with me very often. He says he would like to never have to go back to his wife, he doesn't like so much carrying out his marital duties. I am lucky not to have such a problem. And to have a master like you, and a hot lover like Sadao."