Date: Thu, 27 Sep 2007 14:40:37 +0200
From: dino alpacino <dinoalpacino@gmail.com>
Subject: In the still of the night 3-Too close for comfort

The sun shone straight in my face and I squinted my eyes. I was in bed,
sitting up, with an impressive case of morning wood. 'A cold shower
wouldn't be such a bad idea.' I mumbled. I remembered dreaming
something. Rowing, water, Thomas.

Stumbling to the showers, I noticed the light headache. Nothing an aspirine
couldn't take off. This time I wasn't the first one in. The room was
steamfilled and the sounds of chattering guys under the spray bounced off
the wall.

The tepid water, I didn't go for cold after all, revived me. I couldn't
help but check out the other guys in the shower. Suddenly my nightly
adventure sprang to mind and I quickly faced the wall again. What the hell
happened there, I wondered. I knew there were guys who dug guys, and
apparently Edward was one. But was I? I had never thought about it. I'd had
some girlfriends in the past. I had sex with two of them. I liked
it. Didn't I? Sure I did. But it wasn't as exciting as what I'd seen last
night. It seemed so forbidden. It WAS forbidden. This was a jesuit
college. They made sure no coeds ever came into our halls, and vice
versa. And if sex the way God had meant it was forbidden, unholy things
like... I pondered. I had never been the religious type. Why start now? But
I had never been the queer type either. I turned the warm faucet shut and
gasped when the cold water struck me. I managed a few minutes but then it
was too much. I got out and toweled off. Besides, I had a training to go
to.

The sunlight warmed me and I casually strolled to Duquesne Hall. A band of
girls in tracksuit passed me by and I smiled at them. I was surprised to
see so many people up already. Taking a closer look around, I noticed
everybody was either running or stretching. Right, we all had taken the
resolution to get up early and start the day with practice. I bet next week
only half the people I saw now would keep it up. Behind an open window
someone was playing a Django Reinhardt record on his grammofone. I stopped
to listen for a second. The needle dragged the shellac between tracks, a
dry creaking sound. Thomas came out of the main entrance and I called his
name. He turned and smiled. Just then the record picked up and Nuages set
in. I froze as the images flashed before my eyes. The swaying green, the
sunspotted body. His naked body.

'Hey Dylan. You okay?'

'Er...yeah.'

'What's up?'

'Nothing, I mean...I just remembered what I dreamt last night. Strange.'

'You can tell me all about it. While running.' He said and jogged off.

I followed and ran up to him.

'So, what was it?'

'What?'

'The dream. You're really spaced, are you always like this in the morning?'

'No, not really.' I answered, absentmindedly.

'Some dream then.' He laughed.

'Well...no. It was just uhm...you were in it.'

'Oh, really?' he said casually.

'Yeah, usually I forget what I dreamt right after I wake up.'

We crossed some teammates who were running as well and greeted them.

'Seeing you brought it back, is all.'

'What did I do?'

'You swam.'

'I do that in real life too.' He said with a chuckle.

'Naked?' I asked, and mentally smacked myself.

'Uhm, usually in trunks.'

I was beet red by now and pretended to focus on the track ahead.

'Oh, was I...? I mean in your dream?' he asked intrigued.

'Yeah.'

'Wow.'

For a few minutes all that could be heard were our feet hitting the
gravel. Inside my head though I was yelling at myself. "Idiot." Over and
over again.

'How did I look?'

I glanced over at Thomas who was looking at me, smiling mischievously.

'Nude.' was my laconic reply.

'Good nude or bad nude?'

'Male nude.'

After that, he left the topic alone. For which I was grateful. We ran a lot
that morning, just talking about random things. Were we came from, he was
from Boston. Our families, he had three sisters, one older two
younger. What our majors were, his were Ancient Literature and History. We
didn't breach the subject of girlfriends. On my behalf there wasn't much to
tell anyway. And he didn't seem inclined to bring it up. Two hours later,
we were back where we started. Standing in front of his dorm we stretched
side by side against a picket fence. I caught myself stealing glances from
the corner of my eyes. He really did look good.

'Same time tomorrow?' I asked.

'Sure, if that works for you.'

'Of course, why wouldn't it?'

'I don't know, you might want to sleep in.' he said with a wink.

'You weren't that good.' I replied, casually turned around and walked away.

His laughter sent me on my way, smiling happily. It didn't last long
though. I became uncomfortable with the thought of something I couldn't
even put into words.

A shower would do me good. I was soaked in sweat and my mind was
troubled. Edward was no longer in bed. Good, I hadn't yet decided what I
was going to do about him. If I had just seen him and hadn't stayed to
watch I could've just pretended nothing had ever happened. But I had a lot
of questions. Not in the least about myself.

The shower didn't really solve any of my problems. It was crowded with
athletes who'd

just had practice, or came back from working out. Too much testosterone in
one steamy room. For me at least. The rest of them were so comfortable
though. Playing grab ass, towelsnap, the works. I just did my best keeping
my eyes up and my cock down. It had all of the sudden become a problem for
me. Leaving the showers, still befuddled I decided to go have a smoke
outside and fiddle a bit. 'Just clear your head, and it will all be
allright.'

The smoke did me good, the first one of the day always did. I sat under a
big oak peoplewatching. Picking up my violin I started fiddling. After ten
minutes of playing depressing gypsy laments I gave up. It would keep
haunting me. I needed to put an end to this one way or the other. I hadn't
a clue how though.

'I thought it was you, pining away under a tree, strangling that cat of
yours.' Edward smiled grimly.

'A remarkable gift you have there.'

'Yes, I can hear troubled thoughts from a mile away.' He said and sat down
next to me. 'Before you get any ideas, I can hear them but I don't want to
solve them, so don't bother.'

'I saw you last night.' I said, staring off into the distance.

'Poor old me? Where?'

'Over there.' I said, and pointed at the rhododendron bush not too far
away.

'Did you now?'

I lit another smoke and handed him one.

'So, out with it. Whatever you feel you have to say.' He said, exhaling a
cloud of smoke.

'Was that the first time?' I asked, silently hoping it was just an
experiment.

'Are you serious? I did a bang up job there. Experience, my friend, goes a
long way.'

He meant to defuse the situation, but I wasn't about to let it go.

'So you're...'

'A poofter? Yes.'

'Oh.'

'If you want to change rooms, go right ahead. But I'm keeping our room. The
ground level is ever so convenient.'

'No, I don't.'

'Don't tell me you're okay with it. Because you don't look like it.'

'I don't mind you being...like that.'

'Ah, I see. You've got a problem with yourself.'

'Never said that.'

'But you do.'

I didn't reply. To be honest, I didn't even know.

'Innocent little Dannyboy. Only a few days away from home and already the
unexpected encounters with self realisation come knocking at your
doorstep.'

I stared in the distance.

'It's allright you know.'

I just inhaled and bit my lip.

'I take it you haven't ever...'

'No!' I interrupted him, more forcefully than I meant to.

'Whatever you might think, it's not going to go away.'

I sighed. 'It's just that I...I don't know. I never really thought about
this before, you know?'

'But ever since Captain Crew came into the picture, you have.'

I was shocked that he read me so easily. He had only seen us together
yesterday. Jesus, I only met Thomas yesterday.

'Bullseye.' Edward said, but not in his usual jest. 'Tell me about him.'

'What's there to tell?'

'Why him, for example.'

'I don't know. I don't even know what there is about him. I hardly know
him. He just...'

'Gets your blood boiling?'

'No, I just feel this spark. Or something.'

'I catch your drift. There's a connection.'

'Yes.'

'Did you ever consider you only look up to him?'

'What do you mean?'

'He's an accomplished athlete. He has taken it upon himself to coach you,
it could be some sort of an older brother complex.'

'I dreamt of him.'

'This is turning more and more into a Freudian play, but go ahead. Tell the
good doctor your dream.'

I glared at him but started anyway. 'We were underwater. I was happy. He
swam to me and pulled me closer, told me to take off my shirt. He was
so...' I wandered off and stared at the foliage and the dancing
sunlight. It reminded me of the sun on the waterplants.

'Dreamy?'

'Naked.'

'Oh my dear boy, you're far gone.'

'Am I?'

'You tell me.'

'Anyway, before he could... touch me any further I was pulled to the
surface and I woke up.'

'If that's not clear as water, I don't know what is.'

'Indulge me, Siegfrid.'

'You're underwater. A dreamworld, a refuge. Water often stands for
emotions, things the rational mind won't allow. You are happy there, in
your underwater refuge, away from the real world and everyone else. He
comes to you. He chooses you, if you will. He is naked and invites you to
take of your clothes. I don't believe that needs explaining. But just when
it's about to get interesting, something pulls you back up. Out of your
reverie, away from him.'

'Hm, enlightening.'

'Hardly. Who pulled you out of the water?'

'No one, I just shot straight up, like a balloon.'

'Oh, this is good.' He said, laughing.

'What?' I asked, annoyed.

'You pulled yourself out.'

I let myself fall on the ground, looking up at the leaves and the
light. Shifting my head I saw Edward, leaning back on one hand, smiling
contentedly.

'Why didn't I just swim away then, if I wanted out?'

'You didn't, but your antiquated morals did.'

Another pause, I had to admit he was insightful. Or I was transparent.

'To hell with morality.'

'Absolutely.'

The talk with Edward had made some things clear, but complicated matters. I
couldn't act upon my desire, he was my teammate. I didn't know him well
enough to know what he would do. It wouldn't be very nice though, of that I
was almost sure.

For the next two weeks I spent time with him every day. Those were very
strange hours, charged with sexual anticipation and fear. The need to be
his friend, and the knowledge that I needed to hold a certain distance for
my own good. For I had decided that enamored as I might be, it would wear
off and eventually disappear. Edward didn't agree. According to him, it was
pure masochism that kept me from acting. He offered to show me where on
campus I could hook up at night with some random stranger. "to get it over
with", as he called it. He assured me that if it didn't satisfy me, at
least it would break the spell Thom had on me. I refused. Although I was
horny as hell, especially after my daily workouts, I wasn't about to throw
myself into the bushes and their incognito satisfaction. As a result
though, and Edward did have a point, I came to link Thomas with the resolve
of my sexual ambiguity. And downward into the spiral I went. The more I
tried to have a normal relationship with the guy, the more smitten I
became. It didn't help that he himself seemed totally unaware of the
situation and happily innuendoed away. Call it collegiate banter, I called
it torture. He would tease me about my body, he made sure to touch me often
enough during our training sessions. When we rowed together in a two seater
he would get out of his seat to correct my posture or grip or movement.
Sliding real close up to my back, his hands over mine on the oars slowly
showing me the right way to do it. Because of the warm weather we rowed
shirtless and his hot skin on mine made me swelter. I felt his muscles
moving against mine, his breath on my neck, the scent of his sweat. More
than often it got the better of me and I boned up, very prominently
outlined in my training shorts it was hard to miss. But he never commented
on it. At first I thought it was out of discomfort, but then he wouldn't
keep instructing me the way he did. After that I considered it out of a
sense of courtesy and tact. Over those two weeks we had become friends and
he probably didn't want to wreck anything. After our training sessions I
would come home and Edward went for a stroll so I could wack off. I thought
of it to be very considerate.