EPILOGUE
When Bruno came back, I felt I had to tell him honestly about Valerio.
He listened quietly, then said: "In one way, I'd have preferred it if you'd told me that you'd made love with him, but without feeling anything towards him. Anyway, I don't see anything to worry about. It is only normal for you to be fascinated by the boy, if he is the way you describe him, and if he was attracted to you too. Nothing happened. But even if anything had happened, there's only one thing I care about- do you love me?"
"Of course I love you."
"The same as before?"
"Even more than before, much more."
"Well, the same goes for me, Love. That's all that's important, isn't it?"
"You're right. But you see, I felt I had to tell you. You have to know everything about me, even the tiniest things."
He kissed me. Then he talked to me about his work, with his usual enthusiasm. When we went to see Father Stefano, I wanted to confide the problem I'd had with Valerio to him too.
"It's natural, such things happen." was his reaction. "But you've come out of it fairly well and that's what matters. But if it should happen again, come and tell me while the problem is still there. To confront with a sincere friend can help a great deal in these situations. We should never expect too much of our own strength alone."
In 1963, for the fifteenth anniversary of our first encounter, we went to London. We met Alex, who was taking care of our apartment in Cadogan Lane and also of the Sunshine Hut. We didn't know that after nine years, he and Clyde had parted. Nothing particular happened, their relationship just gradually died off. So, when they both became aware of that, they decided to part. We were sad at that, for we saw they fitted together well. But Alexander was serene, and that was the most important thing.
Alex didn't live with his family any longer. For a couple of years now, his job had enabled him to pay the rent on a small apartment. We offered him the use of Cadogan Lane, but he preferred not to move there, as he wanted it to be free for us for our flying visits or holidays to London, and also, I think, because he preferred to have his own place.
Alex told us that, as we had asked him, he had found a gardener to take care of the grounds and garden of our Sunshine Hut, and who also looked after the house there and at Cadogan Lane. He'd put an ad in the newspaper and nine people had answered. He saw all of them, one after the other, and in the end chose a twenty-five-year-old man of Anglo-Spanish origin, whose name was Scott Juan Rubin. He admitted to us that he'd chosen him not only because he had very good references (he'd worked as a gardener on Lord MacMillan's estate since he was a child) but also because... he liked him a lot.
>From time to time, Alex would go to the Sunshine Hut for a break. On one occasion he arrived and saw Scott (who lived in the small staff cottage that had been refurbished for him) sunbathing in our small clearing, the one Jussuf had made for us.
Thinking himself alone, and not expecting that Alex would be coming, the young man was lying on the grass completely naked. When Alex saw him, besides his surprise at seeing his bare body for the first time, and being immediately fascinated by it, he also noticed that beside him were some Swedish magazines with naked men... When Scott, at last aware of his presence, visibly embarrassed tried to hide the magazines, even before hiding his nakedness, Alex smiled slyly at him. He drew nearer and asked Scott to show him what he was reading. The young man, blushing like a school kid caught red-handed, gave them to Alex and tried to get dressed.
But Alex stopped him and asked: "Wouldn't it just be better if I got undressed instead?"
And so they made love. He liked Scott very much, so asked him if he was game for doing it together again. Scott accepted, and they had been together for two months now.
We liked Scott very much. He was a well-shaped young man, strong and healthy, and he had a shy but sweet smile. Alex told us not to be deceived by appearances - he looked very English, but in bed his Spanish side came out completely - he was passionate and fiery. They met almost every day, as Scott came up to Cadogan Lane three times during the week, and Alex went down to the Sunshine Hut from Friday evening to Monday morning. When Alex told Scott that we two were lovers, though he didn't change his respectful behaviour, he started to open with us, especially with Bruno.
Just before we went back to Italy, Scott said to Bruno: "I'm so happy I met you, and not just because I finally know who my employers are, but because you are an adorable couple. I would like it so much if something so strong and beautiful could grow between Alex and me..."
"Are you in love with Alex?" Bruno asked him.
"I think I'm falling in love with him, but he is a professor, I'm just a gardener-dogsbody..."
"And... is he not in love with you?"
"I don't know. I know he likes being with me, but... How could he be in love with someone like me?"
"When Andrea fell in love with me, I was just a little, ignorant country boy." Bruno told him encouragingly, "But with his help I started to study, and now I'm an architect."
"Yes... perhaps I could start studying again... then... who knows?" Scott said brightening up.
He didn't need to become educated - a few months after we met Scott, Alex wrote to us that he was falling in love with him, and intended to ask him to become his steady lover.
In 1968 Bruno and I celebrated our twentieth anniversary. We celebrated it by throwing a party for Father Stefano's handicapped boys. Of course we didn't tell them the real reason, only Father Stefano knew that. The boys' happiness was the best anniversary present we could have had. And we had the idea of offering to build Father Stefano a new home for the boys. I could open a public subscription through my newspaper, and Bruno would do all the plans and oversee the construction for free. And we two would make the first donation. Father Stefano accepted our proposal gratefully and the "Saint Antonino Boys' Home" took shape and started construction.
Bruno and I were more and more united. It seems almost unbelievable - when you live in love, at each moment you feel at the peak of happiness, and yet each day you discover that you are happier than the day before. And Bruno and I were feeling happier and happier, fulfilled, useful and alive.
The years passed quickly, each one better than the last. In 1970 we went to spend a month in Qatar, as Jussuf's guests. He was still with his Selim, he had eleven children, seven boys and four girls; the eldest was a really handsome boy, and reminded me of Jussuf when I first met him. My friend was really happy to be able to meet my Bruno at last - I had written to tell him we were back together again. As usual he wanted give us one of his generous presents, but then we told him about the Boys' Home and asked him to make a donation to the Home instead. Jussuf agreed to our proposal at once, sending a large sum to the home, and gave us a present as well anyway.
In 1971 Father Stefano's Boys' Home was opened by the Cardinal of Florence. He found out how much Bruno had done for the Home, and a few months later Bruno was made a Knight of the Order of Saint Gregory by the Pope.
"So, now you too have a title, Bruno!" I told him that evening.
"I already had one!" he answered.
"Oh, really? You never told me." I said, realising he was joking, but curious to hear what he was about to say. I thought that, being my lover, he shared the benefit of my titles...
Instead, he said: "I though you were aware... I am the Grand Master of the Order of Saint Andrea... Nike! And these are my insignia!" he added, caressing me intimately.
"I bet you want to wear your insignia right now..." I whispered kissing him and holding him tight against me.
"Sure..."
"But I want these, too..." I murmured and we started to make love with passion.
In 1974, I was informed of the sudden death of Lady Martha, at the respectable age of ninety-four. She slipped away peacefully in her sleep. I went to her funeral, and cried for the loss of my second mother. In all those years we wrote to each other regularly every Christmas and Easter, and if I went to London, I always went to see her. Lord Lyndon, knowing the affection that bound his mother and me, gave me a piece of lace-work made by his mother - a table centre with slightly old-fashioned air. I was really touched at Lord Lyndon's kind gesture.
Our thirtieth anniversary came round too. On this occasion, we went to the Sunshine Hut for two months. We'd seen Alex and his Scott several times before, as they'd been together now for about fourteen years. And the best thing, which made me really happy for Alex, was that my brother Carlo and his wife knew about him and Scott and had accepted the fact, indeed they'd welcomed Scott as a member of their family. I was really pleased to know that my brother was such an open-minded person, and so I decided to tell him about me and my Bruno too. We too were welcomed by Carlo with no problems, and indeed, with much affection.
Carlo told me that he had always suspected about me but that as I never told him about my sexuality, he didn't feel it was right to be the first to raise the subject.
We also saw Enza and George and their children. George often allowed himself to have adventures, but in such a way that Enza never suspected anything, and my sister seemed really happy with him. George complimented me on Bruno and told me he got the impression that Bruno was an extraordinary man.
Then 1980 came. Bruno was near his forty-ninth birthday and I was sixty-five.
We were coming back home after an excursion we'd organized for Father Stefano's boys. We'd had a wonderful time and Bruno, as usual, amused the boys improvising sketches that delighted them, and not just them, organizing competitions and games, running helter-skelter with the boys that he carried astride his shoulders, running around like a wild colt. It was evening, the bus stopped near the Home and we were helping the boys get out.
One of them, Paolo, a sixteen-year-old boy who had lost the use of his legs, was trying to cross the road on his crutches, when he slipped and fell in the middle of the roadway. A lorry was bearing down on him. Bruno threw himself, shouting, and succeeded in pushing Paolo to the edge of the road, but was mown down himself by the lorry. I saw his body fly like a dislocated puppet and crash to the ground a little farther on - dead on the spot.
To me it was a terrible blow, barely alleviated by the hope I might meet him again soon...
Everybody was really close to me and helped me a great deal, especially Father Stefano and Valerio, the journalist.
For the first time since he had been working on my newspaper, Valerio raised the subject again: "I've always admired both of you very much. And getting to know your Bruno, I realised how childish my attempt to seduce you had been, and it's only now I feel the courage to apologise to you for it. I just wish I could express to you the depth of my sadness..." he told me with great feeling.
Carlo came too, with Alex and Scott, and they were really sweet with me. We didn't tell Enza... Jussuf sent a long letter, expressing his condolences and those of Selim.
After Bruno's death, I remained alone, of my own volition.
I would often sit at my desk and look again and again at my treasures - the bracelet and the turnip from Michel, the "De profundis" and the portrait of Benjamin, the ring from Jussuf, the record from Nick and the Christmas crib from James, the bracelet and the letter from Antonello... and the thousand things of my Bruno... and I could see each of them, and remember all of them with love, because all of them, besides these objects, had given me life and a part, be it large or small, of myself.
And I understood, I felt, that in my life there was no more room for others, for another. Fortunately my senses had calmed down, and I could conquer the impulses that at times I still felt.
I've often been to chat with Father Stefano, now a mature priest with his own parish in the city, and to help him with his work. Each time is like a draught of fresh water. I feel that Father Stefano is a real friend, and that he understands me deeply. And above all, I feel he values me and he loves me for what I am, as I am.
>From him I also learned that, seven years after leaving me, Antonello finally found his twin soul, with whom he was now living happily. I never again met Antonello and I'm sorry for that. In fact, I would like to ask his forgiveness, though I know he completely forgave me.
Two years have elapsed since the death of my adored Bruno.
Three months ago I had a medical check-up, a complete screening, as I felt that something was wrong. I have a general cancer... if I am lucky, two more months of life.
I am not scared, rather, I am happy.
In a short while, I really will be seeing my Bruno again, and Benjamin, and Michel, and we will be good, all together, up there.
I've lived intensely, making many mistakes certainly, but always trying to do my best.
So, I think I can conclude this last, long conscience examination with the words: