Z'ZAA
It was to be our last day staying on the island. The day after, our ship
would sailed for Istanbul. Selim and his brothers had gone to the
hinterland with their beaters for a hunt. Amin and I, then, decided to
pay a last visit to "Selim's Kingdom".
Boarding the small boat at the landing place, I rowed up to the mouth of
the little inlet. The sea waves broke there, foaming and rumbling and
then exploding in fantastic water sprays shining under the sun. We
calculated the waves rhythm, maneuvering the oars carefully, and
succeeded in sliding inside as soon as the back-flow had ceased and
immediately before the new billow broke against the rocks, thus avoiding
smashing ourselves and the boat. As we brought the slender hull onto the
sand, Amin asked:
"Are we going to bathe immediately?"
"Certainly. I need a good swim!"
We rapidly undressed and plunged into the lukewarm, clear water. We
swam, splashed about a little in the shallows at the water's edge,
playing carefree. I was very much enjoying these moments, because Amin
seemed to have found again his childhood serenity, but also because I
really liked to be able to admire his beautiful body, by now well
defined. After a while I came out of the water and stretched out on the
fine sand to dry by the warm rays of the sun, while Amin, happy,
remained in the water. I looked at him. Now he was a grown young man,
his body was well developed and was harmonious and strong, and when he
also came out from the water and stood in front of me, the sun shining
on his golden skin made me see him as a star resplendent in the sky.
"It is a pity we have to leave tomorrow. This indeed is a corner of
paradise corner, is it not so, Nadim?"
"Yes, it is really a dream. It is as if here, one is enchanted."
"Especially being alone like now. Why do we not free ourselves
completely, Nadim? In any case nobody can see us here. It is beautiful
feeling the sun's caresses on all our skin and these wet clothes around
the hips are just an annoyance..."
Amin said and, without waiting for my answer, untied and let slide from
his hips his last garment. I followed suit, while he stretched out near
me. For a long while we did not talk. I was looking at the sky that was
of an incredibly pure blue, and that was crossed occasionally by birds,
probably seagulls, majestic and slowly gliding. I felt good, perfectly
at ease, wrapped up in light and warmth, near the most important person
in my life. It was like a being in a state of perfection and I caught
myself thinking that I would have liked it if it would never end. I
turned on my side to talk to Amin and looked at him. He had his eyes
closed, his breath was faint and regular, a happy and very sweet
expression on his face. Barely whispering I asked him:
"Are you sleeping?"
Amin did not answer.
Then I sat and looked at him and suddenly I felt as a very strong shock
in my heart, like as an arrow had passed right through it. I felt
overwhelmed by his beauty, by the tenderness of his expression. For the
first time I could observe him undisturbed, completely naked, stretched
out less than a handspan from me. His body seemed to me very beautiful,
so languorously abandoned on the sand, wrapped by the rays of the sun.
His lips barely apart seemed a flower bud, his skin completely hairless
apart from a fine dark down on his arms and legs which was sweet,
velvety. His member lay, soft and beautiful, in a thicket of curly black
hair. His figure was indeed perfect. I closed my eyes for a moment, too
moved, I opened them and looked at him again. It was not a dream, he was
there, in front of me, real and warm, with nothing that could take my
admiration from him. Notwithstanding our long intimacy, I had never
realized how beautiful he had became.
So, instinctively, without even thinking about what I was doing, I
extended my hand and started to lightly caress with my fingertips his
wide and glabrous chest. I felt a deep emotion, an excitement that
tightened my throat. He continued to sleep and did not react to my timid
caress. I continued feeling as if I was immersed in the soft but bright
atmosphere of a marvellous dream. That slight contact was arousing in me
incredibly intense sensations. If before I was barely brushing him with
my fingers, now I started to caress him with my whole hand, still very
lightly, then with both hands.
I was not thinking about what I was doing, about what I was feeling. I
simply followed my instincts. My mind was without thoughts and just
enjoyed in absorbing the emotions awakening in me, in all my senses. I
leaned over him, and my lips hardly, scarcely, brushed his lips. His
lips quivered slightly. My caresses became more daring, more intimate,
more insistent, my body yearned for his, and little by little I moved
closer to his body, and then, moving quite imperceptibly, without even
realizing how it had happened, my body was on his body, my mouth pressed
down on his, whilst I was embracing him and holding him against me.
His eyes opened and met mine, so close by, and brightened in the
sweetest of smiles. His arms circled my back and held me tight against
him, and his body started to quiver under mine and clung tightly to me.
I felt his heat bursting out to envelop me, and suddenly I was acutely
aware that desire was awakening in me, an intense desire, strong,
overwhelming. And soon I perceived Amin's body answering to my desire
and our bodies vibrated in unison like two lute strings.
The seagull's cries and the breaking of waves were the sweet and
rhythmic concert that underlined and accompanied the bursting out of our
emotions, of our reciprocal discovery. The song of joy in our hearts was
reflected in the brightness of our eyes, shining even more than the sun
itself in the clear sky. Not a cloud veiled our minds.
The scent of his skin mixed with the smell of the perfumed herbs and of
the sea and intoxicated me, making me dizzy. The taste of his mouth made
me ecstatic while, like a bee sucks nectar from flowers, I delicately
sucked his tongue, sweeter than milk and honey. My hands and my skin
searched his body exploring it incessantly, and all my flesh was a
quiver at the light and sweet touch of his hands, strong and delicate at
the same time.
We abandoned ourselves to each other's desires, savouring, consenting
and sustaining it, and I felt that finally what was happening was the
marvellous 'something' for which I had waited for years, without ever
knowing what it could have been.
Little by little it was as if around us all had vanished. Only our
tightly intertwined bodies existed and they were searching each other,
feverishly, incessantly, in an explosion of uncontrollable and
uncontrolled desire. I never had experienced such intense emotion, so
violent and yet so tender. All my being was reaching out to Amin, for
Amin, and suddenly something like a flash of light burst into my mind,
warmed my heart, expanded my soul, making me conscious of a great truth:
this was love in his purest essence. I was in love with Amin.
And I understood that I had always been in love with him, from the
moment I had begged him to cone away from danger with me... even if then
I was not conscious of it. Later, this love of mine had grown, had been
fed, had matured, always in my unconsciousness, but finally now had
exploded, had gushed out unrestrainable, and flowed free and fresh like
a spring of crystal-clear water. And finally I was expressing it with
all my being in a symphony of wonderful sensations and I felt it was
welcomed and I was the most happy man in all of creation.
I felt Amin cling to me, to my love, I felt him quiver under me, look
for me, wanting me and I felt so strong and so weak, and he too was the
same, in a whirlwind of passion and sweetness and he was winner and won
at once, naked and defenceless between my arms, and yet he dominated me.
His strong arms imprisoned me and protected me at the same time, while
our bodies talked to each other in a more and more intimate dialogue,
the new and unknown but always existing, immediately grasped and
understood in his more intimate essence.
I was conscious of his erection and of mine, quivering and palpitating,
searching each other, and again palpitating the one in answer to the
other. Our lips brushed again, our mouth united in a long passionate
kiss. Suddenly it was as if an earthquake or a really violent storm
shook our bodies violently. We shuddered in unison, lightning flashed in
our eyes, thunder resounded in our ears and thunderbolts sprang from our
loins and all was consummated. We then lay completely emptied of any
strength, of any energy, sated and happy.
Neither of us said anything, even if I felt my heart overflowing with a
thousand emotions. Little by little our embrace loosened and again we
lay supine, slightly panting. The tempest we had experienced was slowly
calming. As I was emerging from my stupefied emotional state and I was
finding again my self control, I noticed that Amin had slid into sleep.
I was in a position to think about what had happened. At the beginning I
felt an undescribable happiness, but then I began to inquire of myself
if what I had brought about, even if without premeditation,
notwithstanding the apparently full and ready answer of Amin, was indeed
a good thing. Now that the calm had returned to our bodies and hearts, I
started to worry.
Perhaps Amin, waking up, thinking back on what we had done, would regret
the event, would accuse me of having profited from him, betrayed trust
in me... Perhaps to have awakened in him that passion so violently
intense would be charged against me as an offence... Perhaps he would
become estranged from me...
I raised myself up, worried, and looked at him. His expression in his
sleep was serene, but how would it be when he awoke? How much I would
give to have been able to read his mind, his heart... I lay again,
closed my eyes, and anxiously awaited his awakening, feeling my heart in
my throat. In my mind there was a mess of thoughts, in part incoherent,
a mix of worry and hope... but at last I concluded that, even if he
killed me for what I had caused, or if he chased me away from him, what
had happened between us was so beautiful that it was worth it to have
experimented with it, lived it. I looked at his body and I realized that
now it seemed to me not only beautiful, but also supremely desirable.
Inside me, then, I whispered:
"Perhaps now you do not need me any more, now you have Selim's
protection. Now I am useless to you, I can die. I love you, Amin. My
life is yours, belongs to you. You can do with me what you want. Yours
is my body, yours my heart, my soul, my mind, my spirit, my life...
everything. If you hate me for what I led you to do, I willingly will
face any consequences..."
Thinking these things the peace and tranquillity had returned to my
heart. I continued to await his awakening, laying down, my eyes closed,
feeling serene. Suddenly I felt his hand brushing my cheek. I opened my
eyes. He was bending over me, his dream filled eyes staring into mine.
"Nadim... Thank you. This is marvellous! Now nothing more divides us.
What was missing was exactly that: the concrete expression of our love.
What I could not manage to understand and yet felt the urge to tell you,
was this: I love you, Nadim, and I need your love, I need to feel it. I
want to be yours and I want you as my beloved and as my lover. I will
never forget this place, this day, never. I know that you are mine, that
you belong to me, I always knew. But now I know also that I am yours,
that I belong to you. Only now have I discovered that. I love you,
Nadim... and I want to make love again with you, here, now. And then,
tonight, in our room. And everytime it is possible, forever. Because to
love, to be loved, is a wonderful thing. Now we belong to each other for
eternity. I know that now we are one. Thank you, Nadim..."
I was overwhelmed by emotion and happiness and looked at him and I felt
lost in his sweet look and I was not able to say one single word.
Then Amin murmured: "How beautiful you are, my beloved. Would you allow
me to caress your splendid body, to touch it with my lips, to awaken
your desire so it can respond to mine? Would you allow me to enjoy again
your pleasure, my sweetest love?"
Unable to speak, so tight was the lump that closed my throat, I simply
nodded. Then I saw him leaning over me and soon I was again ablaze and
started to answer back to his caresses and kisses with which he was
covering my body. He kissed me, licked me, delicately nibbled at me,
stopping to suck me in my most sensitive parts, exploring and
discovering my body, until I was again so drunk with desire that, in an
almost hoarse voice, I said him:
"I want you, Amin!"
"Oh yes, make me yours, I want to be yours. Take me, please!" he
murmured, offering himself to me.
So I delicately prepared him and he joyfully cooperated. We both were a
little awkward, because for both of us it was a completely new
experience, but our reciprocal desire led to our instinctive need to
unite, so that finally we succeeded in our common desire, and while he
was welcoming me in him, we both shouted to the sky a cry of joy. We
remained united for a long time in that sweetest and passionate embrace,
until we both reached ecstasy. It was even more beautiful than the first
time and this astounded me and filled me with joy.
Amin moved away from me, stood up, took me by my hand and led me into
the water where we washed each other, continuing to exchange sweet
kisses and light caresses. Then Amin, seizing me with both hands around
my waist, looked straight into my eyes and said:
"Why did we need all that time to get reach this point? How much time,
how many occasions have we lost! Is it possible that neither of us
understood that we were missing this, exactly this, only this to be
truly united, fully happy? Is it possible that we were both so blind?
And yet, how many occasions we had, how many times we slept in the same
bed, tightly embraced..."
"The important thing is that we have arrived at this discovery, that now
we have understood, my precious loved one. Probably we needed all that
time as to let our love to bloom pure, uncontaminated. I love you,
Amin."
"It is beautiful to hear it said, you know? I too love you. Very much.
It is true that this black clover of mine brings me luck. I am lucky to
have you, to have your love. Now I feel really ready. For everything.
With you."
I knelt in the water to kiss that lucky symbol. He said with light
voice:
"Beware... if you do so you will wake again my desire..."
"Why not? I too am ready to start again..." I answered smiling and
plunged again my face in the center of his beloved body.
Amin moaned, pulled me to the shore and we abandoned ourselves to our
passion with renewed ardour and even greater joy.
It was almost sunset when at last we reluctantly decided to go back to
the palace. We had dinner with the others who had come back from the
hunt, then, as soon as good manners allowed, with the excuse we had to
rest for the following day's journey, we withdrew to our room where at
last we could again draw close to each other. Amin rested his cheek
against my chest and, caressing me, said:
"I hear your heartbeat... it is for me, is it not?"
"Of course, my love."
"What are you thinking now? Please, tell me. I want to know all the
thoughts of my beloved."
"That your clover gave fortune to me too... You know that you are very
beautiful, that way, naked?"
"Then when we are alone, I will be always naked in front of you. But you
also have to promise me that you will wear nothing when we are in our
room. I want to be able to feast my eyes on every part of your body,
without restraint..."
"Just your eyes?" I asked him, smiling mischievously.
"Of course not. My fingers also, my lips... if you wish."
"I wish? Certainly I wish, and always will. I am yours, you know it. You
can do with me anything you like, when you like, as you like. You know
this."
"And you too. And all that is mine is yours, anything, everything. I am
yours!"
"If I have you, I need nothing more."
We continued to talk all the night long, to exchange tender words,
tenderly intertwined, making love, and time fled away in a beat, so that
we were astounded to see the sky beginning to lighten. We did not feel
at all tired, rather full of energy and the joy of living.
We promptly got up and prepared for leaving. We felt that now really the
future belonged to us completely. Now we had no more hesitation because
we felt we had the essential: The love that was uniting us.
Helped by my Amin I directed the shipping operations and when the
princes with their retinue had boarded, we weighed anchor and set sail.
The sea was like a table covered in oil, barely rippled by the breeze
pulling our ship that flew the Sultan's flag, scarcely even inflating
the sails. We were both leaning against the deck's parapet looking at
the coast receding from us and we both searched with our eyes for
"Selim's Kingdom". We did not speak and yet we were communicating as
never before.
Love is a mysterious and powerful force that opens new and unsuspected
horizons. Who knows true love, I think, can no more live without it.
Love gives a sense, a smell, a taste, a sound to life... Without love,
life is emptier than the desert.
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