Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2016 21:51:25 +0000 (UTC) From: JoshRJosh Subject: A Brother's Love (2) part 34 Please do not read if you are not of legal age or if this material is illegal where you live. This story belongs to JoshR. Copyright 2015. All Rights Reserved. Nifty.org is a great site and it is FREE and run by a dedicated person who gives of his time and energy. Please DONATE. (Busy, busy week. I did give it a quick proofread. I caught many typos. I type too fast and my thoughts get ahead of me, so mistakes happen. But I think I caught most of them.) A Brother's Love part 34 Aaron and I felt the pressure of our junior year. He had to turn in a paper almost every week and I had multiple labs reports to write. And there was swimming practices and meets. There was little time for a social life. But we did have dinner with David and Tina every Sunday night. We brought food to their apartment and watched 60 Minutes. David, Aaron and I swam together at least once a week, usually on Sunday mornings. And Connor and Tina joined us when we ran. I was spending more time with Hunter at the pool and Jeremy, who was our best freestyler, started paying more attention to him. "How are you doing?" I asked Hunter after a practice. "Good." He was still taking third places, and everyone except his father thought that was good. "Jeremy has been helping me out." "I noticed." He whispered. "He's straight." I nodded. "He asked me if I had a girlfriend. I told him that I was too busy." "Well, that's fine, but I promise you if you told him it would make no difference to him." He sighed. I said, "Sunday morning, I'll be swimming here. Not a workout really. Just staying loose after the meet. David," "Your brother?" he said sounding surprised. "Yeah, he's getting his Master's, and Aaron will be here too. If you'd like to meet Aaron, we'll be here probably around nine." We exchanged cell phone numbers and agreed to talk Sunday morning. There was another away meet. I took a first in the backstroke and butterfly but the team lost the meet. While on the bus ride from the airport to the university, I received a call from Aaron's mother. "Hi, Mrs. Hill. I'm on the bus so I might lose you." "Hi, Josh. If we do, I'll call you back." "How are you?" "Well, I was better before I talked to Aaron." I felt that sinking feeling in my stomach. "Is he okay? I talked to him this morning." "He just told me that he's not coming for Thanksgiving dinner." "Why?" The year before, Aaron and I had dinner with my grandparents and the Hill's had dinner with other family Ð her sister and husband and cousins. We then drove to the Hill's home and had a small Thanksgiving dinner on the weekend, which I really enjoyed. This year, Tina and David were having dinner with my grandparents and we were having dinner with Aaron's parents and then driving to my grandparents the next day when Tina and David would be leaving for her parents' home. She said, "I talked to him this morning. We talked about dinner. He sounded fine. I told him that I was inviting my sister and her husband, - they're newly wed - cousins, the people we had dinner with last year. And I told him that his cousin Lucas and his wife would be in town and they were joining us." "Okay, sounds good." "Well, he sounded strange after that. He and Lucas were close for years then they had some kind of falling out. I never understood what that was about." I had to hold my finger in my other ear to hear all that she was saying. "Okay." "Anyway, he just called me back and said he couldn't make it for dinner." "What? Why?" "He said that he just realized that he had too much to do and couldn't leave UX for five days. I told him to come for dinner and then go back. He said that wouldn't work." "Mrs. Hill I have no idea what's going on. Last I heard we were coming." "Could you talk to him?" "Certainly. I'll see him in about a half hour." "Thank you. You are such a doll. Mr. Hill and I love you." "Thank you. I love you guys too." I hung up. Jeremy said, "Ah, the in-laws love you." I poked him. "Eat me." He laughed. "Promises, promises." I looked at him. "Oh wait, that's not right. You were supposed to say fuck me, then I say promises, promises." I grabbed my junk and said, "No, I think you got it right." He poked and pinched me. I called Aaron. He would be picking me up. I got into the car. He said, "Two firsts. You happy?" "Yeah. Not great times, but." I glanced at him. "Your mother called." He looked at me as he turned out of the parking lot. "When?" "Half hour ago. What's up?" "With what?" I sighed. "You know I hate these games." "I don't want to go," he barked. "How about we just leave it at that." "So it's not that you're too busy?" "How about if we just go to your grandparents'." I turned in my seat and stared at him. He glanced at me then looked forward. I said, "That seems really fucked up and I'm not going to do that to your parents." "Fine, then you go to your grandparents' for dinner." "No, if you're staying here, then I'm saying here." "Why did she call you?" he growled. "Excuse me? Are you saying your mother shouldn't be calling me?" "Not when it doesn't have anything to do with you." I was getting angry. "First off, you don't get to decide if they call me for whatever reason. Second, it does concern me. I'm supposed to be having dinner at their house." "Then fine, GO." He was angry. He pulled up in front of the apartment building, stopped and looked at me. I stared at him. He said, "You getting out?" "Park the car." "I'm going for a drive." I did not move. He stared at me. He exhaled loudly and found a parking place and parked. I waited for him to get out of the car. I got my duffle from the backseat and followed him into the apartment. I went to the refrigerator. He picked up the phone and called David. "Hey, you guys want to go for a run?" He knew I wouldn't go after my meet. "Yeah, he's home." He handed me the phone. I glared at Aaron and said to David, "You going?" "No, we're going out tonight." We talked about the meet and then I hung up. He took the phone from me and called Connor. Connor agreed to meet up with him. He went to the bedroom and began to undress. I said, "Why are you being a dick? What the fuck did I do?" He stared at me. He sighed. "Nothing." "Okay, so answer my question. Why are you being a dick?" "Because you just can't accept that I don't want to go." "I can accept it. I do accept it. You don't want to go. So, we're not going. I think it would be nice to know why I'm not going, but if that's too much for you, then I'll be fine with not knowing." We stared at each other. He said, "You should go to your grandparents'." "You should understand that since I don't get to decided where you eat dinner, you don't get to decide where I eat dinner." He pulled off his underwear and stepped into his running clothes. "I don't understand why you just can't go." "Well, as you so often like to say to me, `what goes around comes around'. I don't get an explanation and neither do you." "So then, quoting you, `whatever'." I stepped out of the room. "Enjoy your run or should I say jog." He stomped through the living room and said, "Asshole." "Dick." He slammed the door behind himself. I gave the door the finger. I made myself a sandwich and drank a glass of milk. I called his mother. "Hi. I talked to him. We kind of had an argument." "Something is bothering him." "Yeah, he's being a real," I hesitated, "pain in the butt. He said he won't go and he wants me to go to my grandparents' for dinner without him." "This isn't about being busy, is it?" "My guess is no. Something has him upset and he's taking it out on me." "Are you going to your grandparents' for dinner?" "No." "You should." "Would you go without Mr. Hill?" Silence. "No. But I'd demand an explanation and if he knew what was good for him, I'd get one." I chuckled. "Well, if I demand one from him, he'll just tell me to, well he won't give me one. Maybe you can get one out of him." "I know my son. Something is wrong and when he gets like this, there is no moving him." "Well, I guess we won't be seeing each other for Thanksgiving." I unpacked. I called one of the women in one of my study groups. "I made a copy of my notes for you," she said. "Thank you, you're kind." "You keep taking firsts and I'll take the exam for you." I laughed. "Notes are fine." "I'll email them to you." "Great. Are we still getting together tomorrow?" "Yeah. I'll email you what you need to have done for tomorrow." She told me where and when the group was meeting. I sat on the sofa and reread the chapter that covered the lecture. I was done and had started on the problems at the end of the chapter when Aaron returned. He went right to the bedroom and didn't say anything. As he walked to the bathroom he said, "You want to take a shower?" "Don't need one." He stood there naked. "I didn't ask if you needed one. I asked if you wanted to take one, meaning with me." "I know what you meant." He stormed off. I rolled my eyes, sat there and stared into space. I knew that if we didn't make up now, we'd be up late into the night and I had to get up early to get schoolwork done. I went to the bedroom and undressed. I went into the bathroom and opened the shower door and stepped in. He looked at me with his sheepish eyes and said, "I'm sorry for being a dick." "Before Thanksgiving, I think you owe me an explanation as to why I'm having tacos for dinner." He sighed. "I'll think about it." "You know when I bark at you, you get all `you always snap at me'. And you act like you don't snap at me." "It's different." "Really," I said. I turned put my hands on the shower wall. He pressed his fingers into my lower back, massaging me. "Care to explain?" "When I snap at you, you know and I know that it doesn't mean anything." "Okay." "Well, when you snap at me, you might know it doesn't mean anything, but I don't." I thought about that for a moment. "Are you serious. So you can be a dick," He chuckled. I said, "Yeah, exactly. You'd better laugh." "I'm sorry." He rubbed my back. "You're tight." "Yeah, sitting on the plane and then the bus after a meet. It's even worse going the other way." "Nerves." "Yeah, and then I come home to a boyfriend who is bat shit crazy." I laughed. "I'm not going to dinner," I said mimicking him. "Don't be angry at me." I turned and looked at him. He seemed stressed. "I'm not. Really." He nodded and sighed. "Can we drop if for now?" "Dropped." "I'll make us dinner. I know you have to study." "I had a sandwich. Maybe in a while. How about I get some work done, we go and get TACOS for dinner," I said and smiled. He grabbed my nuts and squeezed. I laughed. "Let's walk. I feel like I want to walk," I said. He nodded his heas. "Then we'll come back and you can give me a full body massage. You know with oil and everything." "Everything?" I smiled. "Okay. Sounds good." We did school work for almost three hours. I was hungry. We walked to the Taco Place. As we walked we talked about everything other than what was bothering him. I wondered and worried about what it was, but I knew not to bring it up again. We paid for our tacos and looked for a table. I noticed two guys we knew from the dorms waving to us. They were sitting with two girls. I waved. They made room for us and asked that we join them. The guys introduced us to their dates. One woman said to me as we sat, "You're the Josh from the swim team." "Yes," I said and thought it odd to be referred to as `The Josh'. She looked at her date and he looked at her. She looked at me and said, "I dated a guy on the swim team. I know all about you." She sounded snide. I chuckled. "Oh. And what does knowing all about me entail?" She glanced at Aaron and then at her date. I looked at him. He looked at me and shrugged. I glanced at Aaron who was glaring at the woman. This became very awkward very quickly. I sat wondering what to do or say. Aaron kept staring at her. He said, "And who was the guy you dated?" She said, "Nick, Nick Powell," and glanced at me. "Sure. I remember him. He just graduated last year." I said. Nick and I never really said much to each other so I couldn't imagine why she was acting so put off. "My roommate set me up with Nick." We were all staring at her. I was waiting for further details. She said, "She was dating Jared. Do you remember him? He was Nick's best friend." "Jared, Jared," I said, as if I had trouble remembering him. Aaron glanced at me knowingly. "Oh yeah, Jared. Sure, I remember him." "I'm sure you do," she said. "He was one of the guys on the half of the swim team you slept with." I felt my face burning hot. I looked at her and said, "Jared and I never slept." The two guys knew that Aaron and I were gay and boyfriends. The guy whose date was getting weird looked at me and said, "Hey, sorry. I didn't know any of this and didn't invite you over to be insulted." I said, "We're cool." I looked at Aaron and said, "There's an empty table over there." Aaron stood, still glaring at the woman. His face was red. I could tell he was going to say something. I said, "Leave it alone." I looked at the two guys and said, "Good seeing you two." I looked at the woman who hadn't said anything and said, "Nice to meet you." Aaron and I walked away. When we sat, Aaron said, "I wanted to ask her if she was jealous." "Yeah, well, its better just to walk away." He sighed. He bit into his taco. "Your dalliances are catching up with you." He chuckled. "Eat me." "Later." Silence. "You should have let me say something." "It had nothing to do with you. Did it?" "No, but I wanted to come to the defense of my man." I shook my head and bit into my taco. He said, "My stud." I sighed and stared at him. "Foot long." "Keep it up and I'm going to hurt you." "But it hurts so good." I knew better than to comment. Anything I said would only bring another response. "Toe curling, eyes rolling, gasping for air good." "One more of those and no sex tonight." He laughed. "Want to make a bet?" I shook my head. "I hate you." On the way back to the apartment, I said, "I think she was calling me a whore." "I think it was about you being gay more than the number of guys you fucked. I mean if it had been just Jared, she would have still given you shit." "He was the one with the girlfriend. Why is it up to me to keep him faithful to her?" "You're the other woman." "Woman?" "Figuratively speaking. I mean no one is going to look at you naked and say," "Say it one more time and I promise you I'll tickle you until you throw up." He tried not to laugh, but he laughed. "Oh wow," he said. I looked at him. "Didn't Jeremy say it was Jared who said," "Careful. I'm not kidding. One more time." We spent the next hour at the apartment reading. Then it was to bed. His massages were getting better and exactly what I needed. It ended with him giving me head and then lying on top of me. I held and kissed him while he thrust against me and came. He cleaned the oil and cum off of me with a hot towel and then dried me. I rolled over. He turned off the light, got into bed and I put my arm over him. "Sorry for before," he said. "Never happened." We lay quietly and then he started chuckling. "Aaron, I'm not kidding. I don't want to hear it again." "Sorry. I just keep picturing your dick in a roll with lettuce," "Aaron." "Okay. Good night." I lay there wondering what it could be that would bother him so much that he would not go to his parents' for Thanksgiving dinner. * * * * * Josh always has trouble falling asleep, but once he is asleep he's deep in sleep. And there are those night terrors that he has. He seems awake, but he isn't. His eyes are open, he screams, kicks and will try to get up, but he's asleep. David gave me instructions: If he's asleep and thrashing, I should put my arm and leg over him and gently hold him. That will usually settle him down. But if he starts screaming, the things to do are to talk to him and absolutely not try to hold him down. Just keep talking to him. If he gets up, get up with him and keep talking to him. Eventually, he'll calm down and get back in bed. And the next morning he will have no memory of what happened. Usually I'm the first one to fall asleep. But I am a light sleeper and the first to awake in the morning. Typically, I wake up before the alarm, turn it off, get up and get the coffee going, pee, brush my teeth, pour two cups of coffee and climb back into bed. I gently wake up Josh. What does he love? Having his back lightly rubbed. So I lay beside him, run my head over his back, down his spin, over his ass crack and back up to his neck. He'll stir, open his eyes and stare at me. He looks like he's slowly coming back to the real world. He'll grown, close his eyes and stretch. Have you ever seen a dog stretch? His arms stretch out over his head, his legs stretch their full length, he'll roll onto his stomach, get on his knees and with his butt in the air he will arch his back up and down. Then he'll collapse back onto the bed and moan and put the pillow over his head. It is still not time to speak to him. But it is one of my favorite times of the day. He will lie there naked, stretched out and taking up more than half of the bed. I sip my coffee and peruse his body. Sometimes he lies there face up with the pillow over his face. Other times he's on his stomach with one leg straight and the other with his knee pulled up. He might lie there for five or ten minutes. Then he'll stretch again. Beautiful to watch. And he'll then sit up, glance around and say, "Good morning," as he reaches toward me. He wants his coffee. I hand him the mug. "Thank you." He'll take a couple of sips hand the mug back to me and then fly out of bed. After peeing and brushing his teeth, he's back in bed. His morning wood and the hung over look that had been plastered on his face would now be gone. But that night he fell asleep first. Usually we spoon with him behind me. He'll cuddle up against me with his arm over me. Soon I'm asleep. But instead, he fell asleep first. I listened to him breathing deeply and could feel his breath on my back. I tried to clear my mind of memories, but the sick feeling that settled in my stomach when my mother mentioned my cousin Lucas joining us for Thanksgiving dinner kept gnawing at me. I had thought I put this all away. I hadn't thought about Lucas in over a year and had not felt the pain of those memories for even longer. But the idea of seeing him, sharing a meal with him, brought everything back as if it were all happening again. I turned in bed and faced Josh. He didn't move. A street lamp outside our window cast a faint light across our bed. I stared at his face, hoping that by focusing my mind on him, and on our relationship I could once again bury painful memories. Foot long, I said to myself and smiled. I knew that he enjoyed having a nine-inch penis and that it also bothered him. During our freshman year he would complain that if he had a five inches penis, `many of these guys wouldn't give me the time of day. How do you think that makes me feel? I'm a piece of meat'. I had little sympathy for him. Then he said something that I hadn't thought about. `Do you really think that the extra inch-and-a-half that I have over you makes sex better for me. Whether my dick is six inches, seven inches or nine inches, when I fuck or when I get head, it would feel the same. That extra length doesn't give me any more pleasure. But I get known for that extra couple of inches. At the time I laughed and said, "And all that extra weight to carry around and for no reason. You'd think that big dicks would have been naturally selected out of the population. Imagine cavemen dragging a nine-inch dick across the savannah or the Arctic tundra. All that used up energy carrying all that extra weight around and they'd get nothing out of it." "Did I ever tell you that I hate you," he said and then he pounced on me. I focused on those memories to sooth my mind. Tears filled my eyes as I thought about how deeply he can feel love, anxiety, anger, sadness and joy, and how protective he was of those he loved. I had not wanted him to be part of what happened to me. But now I could not figure out how to keep him from it other than to lie. Finally, I fell asleep. When I woke, I turned off the alarm and began our morning routine: make coffee, I pee and brushed my teeth, pour coffee, rub Josh's back, watch him stretch, that morning he lay on his back and put the pillow over his head, morning wood rested upon his stomach, he sits up, sips coffee, jumps out of bed, he pees, joins me in bed, finishes coffee and says, "What time is it? "Almost eight." "I have that study group meeting at ten." He glanced at me. "How'd you sleep?" He knew that whatever was bothering me probably was still weighing upon me. "Okay. On and off." "Me?" "No." He sighed. "What are you doing today?" "Hitting the books. We need groceries." "My group will meet for a couple of hours maybe three. I'll text you and I can meet you at the grocery store." "How about you come back here when you're done. We'll drive to the store." "Sounds good. I'll text you when I'm on my way. Share a shower with me?" I got up, went to the kitchen, put the cups in the dishwasher and joined him in the shower. * * * * * I rode my bike to campus. I called David. "Something is going on with Aaron." I told him what I knew. "I think we'll be here for Thanksgiving because if he doesn't tell me what it is we're not going to go. And, my guess is that if he does tell me what it is we still won't go." "You know I kind of knew Lucas." "Really?" "Yeah, he was a year a head of me. We all hung out. He played football and ran track. I think he was a wide receiver and he ran the 100 and the 220. He was pretty good. But he was a real prick." "How so?" "Full of himself. Kind of a bully in a way. I mean he didn't beat up anyone that I know of, but he was into getting into people's faces, acting all that and sometime really embarrassing the, you know, not athletic guys." "Like Aaron?" "Yeah. Like Aaron." "But Mrs. Hill said they were really close at one time." "Well maybe that was before he became `all that'. Maybe he and Aaron were close and then he started humiliating him." "I guess. But it seems more than that." "Well, just give him space. Let him decided if he wants to share this with you. And remind him that we love him and if he wants to tell us, tell him we are family." "He knows that. Okay. I gotta go. Love you, David." "Love you." I met with the people in my study group. We went over notes and the text and labs. We each had assigned problems to work and made copies for each other. But, even though I'd have copies of all the problems, I found it to my advantage to work all the problems myself. Our first midterm was the next Wednesday. We agreed to meet again Tuesday afternoon just in case we had questions. I left feeling good. I had been studying and knew I'd be ready by Wednesday. I met Aaron and we went grocery shopping. I took David's advice and backed off, or I stopped pressuring him. What I said was, "If you decided to share with me whatever it is that's bothering you, I'm here to listen." He nodded and said nothing. The next day I called Hunter. David, Aaron and I met him at the pool. I introduced Hunter to Aaron and David. David said, "We know each other." We didn't do a workout, but swam laps. I liked swimming with Aaron. I played with him in the pool. I'd swim up on him from behind then swim under him and then turn to face him. Sometimes he startled. Sometimes he'd stop and flip me off. Once I crossed lanes under the water, swam under him and grabbed his junk before he noticed me. Watching him react was always fun. I'd come up along side him and smile. "Race?" "Fuck you." "I won't kick. Just arms." He'd laugh. In the shower, we all stood around and talked. Aaron seemed to hit it off with Hunter and Hunter seemed to relax with Aaron. Step one, I thought. I took my exam and did well. Then I had a home meet. Two more first places and I bested my time in the butterfly. After I swam the butterfly I found Hunter and asked him if he wanted to join us for dinner. I said, "David, Tina, Aaron and I go out after the meet. But here's the thing. Sometimes Connor comes with us, sometimes he doesn't." "Connor is the guy who thinks I'm hot," he said. I watched as his ears turned red. "Yes. But I haven't said a word to him about you. Nothing. I did tell Aaron. And I can tell Aaron to hover over you if you're worried. And I will too. You'll just be one of the guys from the team joining us." "My parents are here. Usually I go out to dinner with them, but I think if I were going with guys on the team and probably if he knows it's you, he's let me go.?" "How about this? You and I leave the swim center together and you introduce me to your parents. I'll mention dinner. Then I'll say that I want to introduce you to my brother. Then I'll just introduce you and then ask if you want to join us." And that was the plan. We showered beside each other. He stood beside me, his eyes glued to the walls. I stood facing him. "Jeremy told me he thinks you're doing a lot better." He glanced at me. "He's helping me a lot." He started to turn back to facing the wall. "Hunter." He glanced at me. I stepped close to him. "I want you to look around the shower room right now." He stared at me. "Look around." He turned and looked around. Everyone was talking as they showered. No one was kissing the wall. He looked back at me. I said, "Everyone notices that you hide in the shower. They think you are shy." He sighed. "Look around again." He did. "Do you see anyone kissing the walls?" "No." "There are two gay guys beside you and me in the showers. Two gay guys and everyone knows that they are gay. They know I'm gay. Jeremy knows I'm gay. He knows Aaron. He's had dinner at our apartment." He nodded. I called out, "Jeremy." He glanced at me. I signaled him over. He walked across the showers to me. I said, "Hunter is not sure he's getting better and his father is here and not too happy with how he's doing." Jeremy stood there, his cut cock hanging over his balls, and said, "Look, Hunter, you are where I was when I was a sophomore. How about if you introduce me to your dad and I'll tell him how hard you're working and how much better you're getting?" "That would be great. Thank you." Jeremy said to me, "Why don't you talk to his father too." "Sounds good." Jeremy turned on the shower beside me and continued talking to us. Jeremy, Hunter and I exited the swim center. We found Hunter's parents. Jeremy and I talked about how hard he was working and how well he was doing. His dad seemed to be taken with Jeremy and me, but ignored his son. Hunter talked to his mother. His father asked us about our races and seemed to know all our stats for the year. He asked about how we thought the team would do. He hardly talked to Hunter. I said, "I'd like Hunter to join us for dinner. I wonder if that would be okay with you?" He glanced at Hunter. "Yeah, sure. We were going to head home tonight." Jeremy and Hunter followed me. I found Aaron, David, Tina and Connor and a couple of other friends. I introduced Hunter to everyone. I said, "Jeremy why don't you and Cathy come out to dinner with us." He glanced around and spotted Cathy talking to friends. "Let me ask her." He walked away. I said, "Hunter, how about joining us? We have room in our car." "Sounds great." I glanced at Connor. "You joining us?" "Yeah. I'd love to." At dinner Hunter seemed to focus his attention on David and Tina, but I noticed him glancing at Connor who was talking to Aaron. I threw my attention to different people at different times. Hunter was sitting next to me on my left. Aaron was sitting across from me and Connor was to his left, so if Connor and Hunter were to talk, they'd talk across us. Connor was talking about being a biology major. Hunter said, "I'm a bio major." I glanced at Aaron and smiled. The conversation began. Once they started talking it was hard to get a word in edgewise. When we left, Hunter and Connor said goodbye to each other. Connor went home with friends. Hunter got in the car with Aaron and me. "So, what do you think?" "He seems nice." "He's shy, very smart and a nice guy," I said. Aaron said, "And he's kind of hot, don't you think?" Hunter sighed. "Yes. But I'm so scared." "Okay," I said. "So now you know him. We know he thinks you're hot and believe me he was into you tonight. If you decided you want to better get to know him, we can invite you over when we have friends over. We still won't say you're gay, or we can tell him. Whatever you want." "Yeah, I'd like to come over. I don't know about telling him yet." "Cool. You're in control of this." We dropped Hunter off at the dorms. Aaron said, "God, I thought I was scared. He's got it bad." "I think its father issues more than about dating. But first-times-first-dates are hard. I mean I didn't have a first-time-first-date and neither did you." He shot me a look. "What do you mean?" "You and Jamie, when you joined us. That was your first time but it wasn't a date. And before that you and I jerked off and stuff." "Yeah, I guess. Yeah a first gay date if you've never done anything with a guy would be tough." There was an elephant in the room for the last week, but I knew that pressuring Aaron would only cause him stress. His mother called him several times and that stressed him enough. She called me and I told her that I knew no more than she. I also told her that if he told me and swore me to secrecy, I'd honor his wishes. "As much as I'd hate that to happen, I appreciate your loyalty to him." Each night we had sex, it was making love. He seemed to need affection and I love affection. Each night, I spooned with him. Usually he'd fall asleep first, but he was having a hard time. We went through midterms. I had two more meets. And Thanksgiving was only five days away. Saturday morning we slept in. He woke me at 8am. We had coffee in bed. We do that. I'm not sure why, but it has become part of our morning routine. I like those kinds of routines, things you can count on, look forward to and they have unspoken meaning. I made us egg white veggie omelets with spicy guacamole, wheat toast, strawberries and more coffee. As I dished it up, I said, "Okay, so, I'd like to have turkey and sweet potatoes and pecan and pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. We should probably get a turkey and we might have to order pies." "You angry?" he asked. "No. I promise. Just curious." "We can get a frozen turkey today and maybe we can make the pies." "I guess we can try. How about we buy one and make one, just in case we fuck up the pies, at least we'll have one to eat." "Sounds good." I said, "I don't mean this as pressure, but I do feel a little angry at you and maybe sad. I mean we said anything prior to us dating can stay secret and I want to honor that, but this is affecting us." "Us. How?" "You're a bit distant. I can tell whatever it is, is bothering you and I feel left out. And I don't mean that as pressure. It's just honest." "I feel it too." As I carried the plated food into the dining area, I glanced at him sitting on the sofa. "Breakfast," I said. He glanced at me and then turned away. He was crying. I put the dishes down and walked over to him and sat. "Aaron, I wish you'd talk to me." He nodded. "I went to student health and started seeing a counselor." "Okay." Tears poured from his eyes. I pulled him toward me. He collapsed into my arms and sobbed. I had never seen him cry like this. He cries in movies. I do too. But he cries when they show the movie trailers before the movie. I held him. We were only wearing boxer briefs. I touched his back. It was wet with sweat. Tears burned on my eyelids. "Aaron talk to me," I said lifting his chin. "I'm scared." "Of what?" He shook his head. "You'll think differently of me." "Aaron, come on. I know you and I love you." "But you might not like me. You might think I'm pathetic." "I already think you're pathetic." He half smiled. "No you don't." "You're right and I won't. Never would I think you're pathetic." "I lied to you," he said, staring at me. "About something before us?" He nodded. "Aaron, I don't care about that stuff. Whatever it is. I mean I care that its bothering you." We kept staring at each other. He sat back and looked into space. "You have to promise me that you'll tell me how you feel." He looked at me. "Honest feelings. Please." "I promise." "Just listen, okay." I nodded. He sighed loudly, wiped tears from his face and looked into space again. "The summer before seventh grade. Before I turned twelve." He sighed and then glanced at me. "Before that," he sighed again. "Let me start over. You know Lucas is my cousin. My mom's sister, my aunt Barbara, lived a few blocks from us. Her husband left them. I don't even remember him. He never came back. He divorced her and left. Anyway, Lucas used to come over. We had a pool and they didn't, so he'd come over a lot in the summer." He looked at me. "Do you remember him?" "Kind of. He was a lot older." "He was four years older than us." "I don't remember him being around a lot." "Yeah, he stopped coming around after that summer. But before that he'd come over a lot." He sighed. He shook his head as he said, "He figured out that I was gay. I was almost twelve. He was sixteen. He was driving. My aunt worked. He used to drive her to work and pick her up so he could have the car. He would take me for rides. I thought it was so cool being in his car with him. When my mom went out to the gym or shopping, he'd come over. We'd go swimming. We'd chase each other, wrestle and push each other in the pool and stuff and he'd brush against my penis with his hand. It kind of scared me I guess because I'd get hard. One time, I was hard. We were in the water and I was trying not to let him see it. But he put his hand right on my junk and touched it and kept touching it. Then he put my hand on his. He had a hard on." Aaron glanced at me and then glanced away. He breathed in deeply and exhaled loudly. "We sat on the steps of the pool. He just relaxed back and his boner stuck out of the water. He kept making it move and he'd smile at me. He said, `you like looking at it, don't you?' God, I remember that so well because I was so scared, but I said yes. He told me to make mine move. I remember I was almost shaking. "He said we should go to my room. I remember he just walked upstairs naked with his boner sticking out. We got to my room and he sat on my chair and said I should touch it. I did. He showed me how to stroke his cock. As I did, he touched mine. It felt so good. Then he said that I should watch his dick that something was going to happen. I kept stroking him and he came. I knew about all that, but I was surprised that there was so much and that it shot out. "He wanted me to taste it. I shook my head. He scooped some up and licked his fingers. Then he scooped more up and almost forced his finger into my mouth. He kept rubbing my penis and putting his cum in my mouth. He kept saying that I better learn to like it. Then he put his hand on my head and made me lick his stomach. I got really scared." I felt my teeth clenching. I was angry at Lucas, but I said nothing. "He kept rubbing my penis and I was having these intense feelings all over my body. I guess I was having climaxes." He sighed while staring at his fingers. "He asked me to make him cum again. I did and he feed his cum to me again. He smiled when he did it and said stuff like `you better learn to love it, you're going to eat a lot of this'. Stuff like that." "You think he knew you were gay so he was saying other guys or his?" He shrugged. "He'd come over a lot after that. Mostly when my mom was out, but sometimes when she was there. We'd go to my room. It felt scary, but exciting. Then he'd tell me to come to his house. I had this huge crush on him and I'm sure he knew it. One time when I was at his house he told me to suck his cock. I think it confused me. We were naked and I was jerking him off and he was touching me. He leaned over and put his mouth on my cock. I was surprised at how good it felt. Then he pushed my head down on him." Aaron breathed in. His chest quivered. "He held my head down and told me to swallow when he came. He held my head and fucked my mouth. I was scared, really scared. When I was giving him head he said things, mean things and called me names. I remember leaving after I twice gave him head and thought I wasn't going to go back. But then I'd see him, or he'd come by and visit my mom or bring something over. He'd smile at me and nod or say something like, `you want to come for a ride'. My mom would say, `go with your cousin'. I didn't want to go, but I wanted to go. So I went, over and over and over and each time he pressed my face into his junk and said mean things. And then I'd walk home and think I'd never go back but I always did." I reached over at touched Aaron's arm. He glanced at me. "Maybe I shouldn't say this because it's about someone else. But," he hesitated. "Well, one of our friends lived on his block." "Someone in our class?" He nodded. "So our age?" He nodded. "I'd see Lucas with him and Lucas knew I saw them. One time he even waved to me when our friend was in his car with him. Another time I rode my bike to his house and hung around after I saw them. Then I saw our friend come out of Lucas' house." "Just tell me who it was." Another sighed. "Devon." He glanced at me. "I felt jealous. After that anytime Lucas asked me over I went and did what he wanted me to do and listened to him say stuff." Tears rolled down his cheeks. "He called me names." I leaned in and pulled him toward me. He resisted and said, "There's more." "We were back in school. He played football. He had a girlfriend then too. But sometimes he'd tell me to come over. If I said I couldn't, he'd say he'd ask someone else. Then I'd say okay. If I really couldn't go, because of something with my parents or something else, he'd walk right over to Devon and talk to him and look at me. I'd feel crazy. "I mean sometimes I would sit at home and cry and I'd get really angry at my mom." He sighed and shook his head. "Then it was in December. No more football. He told me to come over after school. He didn't have a girlfriend anymore. I went home and then rode my bike over." I felt my stomach knotting up. I was wondering where the lie was that he told me. Did he ever say to me that he never sucked cock? I couldn't remember. When he said there was more, I thought I knew. He took a deep breath. "He had me give him head. I knew he wanted it again. So I started but he said he wanted to fuck me. I must have looked confused. I mean I was twelve. He turned me around and bent me over. Then I understood. He put something on my butt and then started pressing in. I pulled away, saying it hurt. He pulled me around. He put his hand around my neck and told me to stand still and that I'd like it. He turned me around and held me tightly and pressed in. It hurt bad." Tears fell. He looked at me. "I pleaded with him to stop but he kept saying it was almost over to stand still and shut up. He had his hand around my neck. I felt like my ass was on fire. I cried when he was done. He took me into the shower and rubbed my cock and washed my butt. He told me that I'd get used to it and like it. He then told me that he did it with Devon during the summer and `Devon loves it now'." "He said Devon?" Aaron nodded. "He asked me to come over again after that, but I said no because it hurt. But I had that feeling, like jealousy, because I was sure he was asking Devon. But I wouldn't go. For two or three months I wouldn't go. But I'd see him with Devon after school and I'd feel sick and angry. So I went back. I went back and sucked him off and then turned around and bent over for him. Over and over and over and fucking over like a fucking punk stupid pathetic faggot he kept saying that I was. He said I was his bitch." He looked at me and he looked angry. "I went back. I kept going back just so Devon wouldn't be there. Just so I'd get the attention. How fucking pathetic is that." "Aaron, fuck, you were a kid." I felt the heat of my angry. I wanted to scream that Lucas was a fucking asshole. "He manipulated you and he raped you." "But I went back," he said almost pleadingly and cried. I felt confused. I felt afraid to say anything for fear it would be the wrong thing. I felt stupid and helpless and scared and angry and sad. "But you didn't go back because you wanted to." He stared at me. "No one made me." "Lucas made you. He didn't twist your arm, but he twisted your emotions. And you were a kid. Fuck you were twelve. You weren't even in puberty yet. Fuck, Aaron, you weren't even in puberty." He kept shaking his head. He said, "Then he had a girlfriend." "Did it stop then?" "Mostly." He glanced at me. "I was happy when he didn't ask and I was happy he had a girlfriend." "Because he was fucking her and not Devon?" He nodded. "His senior year he just stopped paying any attention to me or Devon. And I think Devon knew about me too." "He probably did the same shit to him." He nodded. Tears. Lots of tears. I touched his arm. He looked at me. "I lied to you." "No you didn't." My heart ached. My throat tightened. I started crying. "You didn't, Aaron." "Yes I did. I told you that you were the first, that I was a virgin. I lied," he said sobbing. "I'm sorry." We held each other. He sobbed. Tears poured from my eyes. I wanted to say the right thing. But what was that? I had no idea. "I was the first," I said tears sitting on my face. He shook his head. I held his face so that he was looking at me. "I was the first you wanted to fuck you. I was the first you asked. I was the first you enjoyed it with. I was the first person you made love with." He kept shaking his head. "Aaron, listen to me. I read this when I did my report in psychology about rape survivors. Virginity is not about your body. It's about your state of mind. No one can take your virginity. You can only give it away. You didn't give it to him no matter that you went back. You gave it to me. You can't believe you gave yourself to him like you gave yourself to me." He stared at me. "Do you believe you did?" He shook his head. He sat there looking so defeated, worn out and sad. "Aaron, I love you and I don't think you're pathetic. I think you're a wonderful, smart, sexy, beautiful, sensitive guy." He looked at me. More tears. He said, "You were my only friend then. It was like you kept me sane. You were always there." I shook my head. "If I knew then I would have been there a lot more for you. I wasn't there that much, but there was," "Josh, I don't mean like physically there. I mean that you were always kind to me. You were always my friend. You included me in everything you did with all your other friends. I mean, Devon was there too, but you always hung by me." I was about say something. He shook his head. "Josh, when we had classes together, you always, always sat with me. At lunch, you'd show up and look toward where all of us always had lunch and you'd always come over to the bench and shove me over to make room. You always sat near me. Always. Me. You'd say, `move you butt, turkey'. You had other friends, your swim friends, David's friends and you always came over a said, "Move you butt, turkey." If you got there first, as soon as you saw me, you'd make room. You just don't know how much that fucking meant to me. And when you had time you'd come over to my house. I loved so much seeing you naked, but I was so fucking scared. I wanted to be naked with you like you were with your swim friends, but I was so scared." "Well, that makes sense. I mean after what that asshole did to you." "Yeah, but listen. I trusted you. I knew you'd never fuck with me like that. You were nothing like Lucas." He bowed his head and started crying again. "Josh, you were such a good friend to me." Tears dropped from my chin. "You were always a good friend to me." He sighed. "Aaron, I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish I could say something to make this all go away for you, but I don't know what that would be. I'm stupid with this stuff." "Just something I have to deal with. My counselor asked me if I thought I could tell you. If you'd be okay with it. I told him that I knew you would, but that I was scared not because of you but because I'd feel ugly." "Because he raped you and it was rape." "My counselor says it was rape too." He sighed. "No not because of that, but because I went back. Because I was jealous and I wanted his attention and because of the names he called me and I kept going back." "So, that's emotional rape." He stared at me and nodded. "You're angry. I can tell." "I'm angry at Lucas. I hate Lucas, really hate him. I feel like I want to tear his fucking head off and stuff it down his neck." He nodded and then half smiled. "I like that you hate him. I hate him too." He looked at me. "After high school he went into the Marines." I stared at him and then nodded. "Some are good guys and some are assholes." He sighed. "Like with everything else, I guess." I kept running my hand up and down his arm. He looked over his body and said, "Damn, I need another shower." He looked at me and said, "Shower with me?" I stood and pulled him from the sofa. "I'd love to." Standing in the shower, holding each other, I said, "Aaron, I love you, I like you, I want you." We looked at each other. All of a sudden I felt this sick feeling in my stomach. "I've done shit like that to you. I didn't realize," "What are you talking about?" "Fuck, Aaron. I've said stuff like, `if you don't do this I won't have sex with you for a week. Of if you do this I'll blow you'. I was just joking. I," "Stop. Josh. You were teasing. I do it to you too. Don't I say, if you come grocery shopping with me I'll give you great head when we come back." I kept shaking my head. "Josh. Stop. It's not the same. If you said something like, if you don't do this I'm leaving and I'm going to have sex with Connor, then that would be different." "I'd never do that. That's a threat." "Exactly. What we say to each other is joking. I mean I give you great head if you go to the store or you don't go to the store." I smiled. "You are good at that." He smiled. "You are nothing like Lucas. Nothing." I said, "Remember when we were kids, you'd ask me to come over for a sleep over." He nodded. "I always said no." "Because of the night terrors?" "Well, that, but I used to pee my bed. Sometimes I had night terrors and pee my bed while I was screaming. When I'd pee my bed, I'd wake up. I mean I peed my bed, not like a little trickle. It was like I really peed. I'd get up, take off my undies and then get in bed with David. He'd wake up and say, `you peed?' and I'd say yes. He'd never say anything about it. When I'd come home from school my bed was all clean and made up. My mom never said anything. One time my dad found out and he said it was a sign of weak character and that I'd better pray before I went to sleep." "What an ass." "So I was too afraid to come over. Too embarrassed." He smiled. "You're telling me this because," I smiled. "I'm the one who is pathetic. I mean I don't pee the bed now, but I still have those night terror things." "It would have been cool if you came over and peed the bed." I laughed. "Cool." "Yeah, then we could have slept together naked like you and David." I laughed. "That would have been fun," I said and rubbed my junk against his. We spent the day together Ð studied, shopped, bought a turkey and ordered a pecan pie and bought the ingredients to make a pumpkin pie. Driving back to the apartment, I said, "This will be our first Thanksgiving." "Can we go to your grandparents' the day after Thanksgiving?" I stared at him. "I really want to see them. They make me feel good. If we go to my house, they'll be all over me about not coming." "Sure." "And Sarah and Bryan will be there." I grimaced. "Give it up. Come on." "Yeah, you're right. It was good seeing her and I like Bryan." Thank you for reading along. I hope you are still into my story. And forgive the errors. I could hold this for a few days and give it another read, but I'd rather just get it to Nifty and if I have time this weekend, probably not, start the next part. Aaron has been really demanding lately. He wants my body. JoshRJosh