Date: Tue, 10 Sep 2019 17:35:01 -0700 From: Always Ready Subject: Don't Say I Do Chapter 2 Don't Say I Do Part 2 Comments welcome at alwaysready123@gmail.com As I walked out of that restaurant my head was just spinning. I had no idea what to do, who to talk to or if there was anyone to talk to or if it would even make any difference if I did. No one seemed to care, maybe I shouldn't either. But unfortunately that's not who I was, if I believed in something and knew to my heart that it mattered I was going to try and do something about it whether successfully or not. After wandering around the village for a while I finally decided to just go home and do some work that I had for cases this week-thank good I had that otherwise I think I would have probably gone insane. The following morning I woke from an extremely disturbing night of dreams that all ended in forms of disaster from plane crashes to pandemics-that was something that hadn't happened in years in fact not since I was afraid to come out to my family. All I could think about was seeing Jessica and that guy together at the restaurant. Truthfully, I really shouldn't care about it-its been years since my relationship with Seth had been anything but cordrial. We didn't speak or spend time with each other like we used to. In fact we didn't do it at all. The problem was, I was still deeply in love with him, and even though those feelings we're not returned, I still did not want him to be in any pain, I just wanted him to be as happy and treated the way he should be. And at the same time, I knew what he was walking into and it was not good. Finally, I just decided that I was going to tell him what I saw. I knew that he wouldn't listen or believe me but at least I could say that I tried. A week or so before his wedding, I somehow got him to agree to meet with me alone. And just start out the conversation as calmly and normal as possible. "Seth look, I know that you still have your issues with me, and what I said and I have come to terms with that. But I did want to tell you that, I'm very proud of you and what you have accomplished and I wish I could have celebrated those times with you as your brother and friend." "Adam is this going somewhere? I don't need a speech." "Yes, my statement to you as your brother and one-sided friend, is that I want you to know that Jessica has cheated on you. Dad and I both saw her do it a few weeks ago. So if you are smart and don't want this to blow up in your face later on you won't go through with the wedding.". He just started laughing at me, which I knew was possible and then said, "Adam, you're insane. She didn't do that, she wouldn't do that. And just because you still feel the way you do about me gives you NO right to try and ruin my life and happiness just because you can't have yours. End of story. And I warn you now, don't continue this otherwise forget coming to the wedding altogether.". And just got up and left. It hurt, but I at the same time I knew that was going to be the likely reaction. So finally, after that I just gave up nothing was going to work. We now come to the day of the wedding. I was torn as to whether or not to try and say it one more time when he was vulnerable-a dangerous and somewhat mean trick but it my heart, I knew I had to try. And once again I begged him, "Seth, please don't do this you are going to wind up crushed in the end.". And he did was turn and say, "Remember what I said to you? Say one more word about it and you don't cone out there with me.". So I shut my mouth held back my tears and walked out to the alter to stand next to him as we waited for her to walk down the aisle. As everyone stood and she slowly walked down, and the music played I watched her eye movements. She was looking around left to right with a smile on her face and then when her eyes met mine, I looked directly back at her, and for a moment that smile disappeared. She quickly looked away as she walked up to stand in front of my brother. As the vows were being read, I felt myself getting more and upset but at the same time smiling because in the end I still wanted him to be happy. And by the time my thoughts were done they were married and kissing. I just hoped and prayed that the outcome of this was not going to be the outcome I predicted. Truthfully, the ceremony was beautiful. He looked happy, she looked happy as did everyone else, and I faked it myself. When it came time for all of the best men to make their statements at the party, I loved him enough to make it through with a smile on my face and as light hearted as possible. However, I did end it in a way that on he and I knew the meaning to- ". .. Finally, it is with great pride and joy that I wish all the happiness and joy to the best brother a guy could have. I love you Seth, Congratulations!". And with that, I gave him a hug, one that I knew he would have to do back even if it we're just for show. It was a very special moment for me and one that I will hold close to my heart forever. After that, I just walked over to the bar to get myself a drink and then out of the room. I sat on a bench further down the hall with tears dripping from my eyes after coming to the realization that it really was time to close this chapter of my life. I would always be in love with Seth, nothing could ever change that, and if by some miracle it became a mutual feeling, I would drop everything and go right to him. But, in reality I knew that would not be the case, he was now married and officially out of reach. I just needed to accept that and try to move on. I finally got up and walked back into the party room and watched from the corner how they were all dancing around smiling and laughing and enjoying themselves, I on the other hand went straight for the bar got another 2 shots of vodka downed them both almost at once put the shot glasses down and decided to go find my mother and father that I was leaving. I had already said what I wanted to Seth earlier in my speech, so I got my jacket and headed for the door. Just as I was about to walk out of the building, I heard my name being called. Mind you, I was rather drunk so I wasn't completely clear on who it was, but I paused turned and looked, and shockingly enough it was Seth. "Adam, where are you going?" "Home" "But why? Why are you leaving now?" "Because I'm tired and drunk and just want to be alone." "OK, but you know I'm leaving.." "Seth, what do you want from me? You already know how I feel, I told you what I saw. You choose to ignore or not believe it. I can't do anymore. All I want for you is happiness and if this is it for you, then so be it. I will say nothing more. You know I love you, I always will no matter what." He just looked at me and we stood there in silence. And I got to do one thing that I haven't done in years and that was to look into his eyes and into his soul. It was all there- I know he heard me. And then blinked, gave me a real hug and said, "Thanks Adam. Take good care of yourself." And that was it, he turned around and went back inside. It was at that point that a piece of me just died. It truly was the final period of that chapter of my life. Seth was gone. I went home threw myself on my bed and passed out. I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone or do anything at all. To the point that on Monday, I went into my office, spoke to my boss and asked to take a mental leave of absence. I knew that there would be no way of concentrating on any work and that would not be fair to my clients. I needed to find a way to put myself back together before I could be of any use to anyone else. I had all of my cases and clients transferred to other attorneys in the firm gathered my things and walked out of the office. I didn't know how I was going to do this, but I needed to get passed my brother somehow, if I didn't I wasn't going to be able to move on. Had it not been closed the way that it was, I might have had some hope for the future. But there wasn't an I love you, not a see you soon, nothing just "take care of yourself". Couldn't be any clearer than that, he no longer wanted me as a part of his life and that was it. So now it was time to find me.