Date: Thu, 12 Sep 2019 09:37:40 -0700 From: Always Ready Subject: Don't Say I Do Chapter 3 Don't Say I Do - Part 3 The question is how and where do I do it? I knew that I didn't really want to be alone but at the same time I didn't want to be around anyone that I knew. I started looking into long term meditation retreats, depression recovery and multiple other types of programs. However, the only one that seemed even remotely appealing to me was a meditation retreat with counseling sessions. The one thing about it was the fact that it was located in Southern Australia. While to most that would be a fantastic place and it is- it was also a place that I had dreamed of going to with Seth. Life really was cruel at tines-but I guess if there was any way of getting over and past him I might as well do it from there. So I booked it, a month of meditation and counseling in southern Australia. I called my parents, told them I was leaving and the only reason I should be contacted through the center is in the event of an absolute emergency, otherwise I'd talk to them in a month and hung up. Called the airlines and found a one way ticket to Sydney and would be on my way in 24 hours. To some this may seem a bit drastic, and maybe it is. But when you've spent more years than you can count pining for someone, who you now know is out of reach but can't yet accept you have no choice but to take drastic measures to do it. Otherwise it may very well kill you-and that's the point that I was at. As I was getting on the plane, I stared at my cell phone wondering if it would ring. Maybe my parents told Seth what I was doing and he was going to call me and ask me to wait or not go. But the phone never rang, I just needed to accept the fact that it wasn't going to at all. The doors to the plane closed and we were told to turn everything off and be ready for almost 22 hours of flying. And thank goodness for Valium! 22 hours of being awake in an enclosed space probably would have driven me insane! As I put myself to sleep I said a quiet good bye to my old life and hoped that when I woke up I would be able to start a new one with new and promising opportunities. After many hours of flying and multiple bizarre dreams that made no sense what's so ever, we finally landed in Australia. I can say that the air and feeling was completely different from the streets of New York City and I actually had a sense of excitement. Maybe this really could turn things around. After pulling all the details and location of the retreat, I made my way over to the compound where I was going to spend the next month trying..no actually rebuilding myself. I had heard many stories and mentions of how beautiful Australia was and how the mentality of the people was so vastly different from that of the States but never really thought much of it. But I came to discover very quickly that it was in fact true. As I entered the retreat I was greeted with smiles, kind words and led to my place of residence.. similar to a studio apartment but very different just the same. All of the amenities existed but one interesting aspect what that of there were no TV's, and unless specifically requested or needed internet access was not available. It really was a true disconnect from normal daily life. Now of course that's not say you were completely cut off from the world there was access to all of it in certain areas of the retreat that you could go to at anytime. But the idea was to release ones self from all of that. It was actually something I found quite refreshing. The days basically consisted of meditation, counseling, reflection and healing. I was able to make friends from all walks of life, learn things and new activities that actually had been available to me at any time back home but were blocked by my mental state and inability to live my own life. As I met each day with my counselor, and began working through my feelings, wants and true goals in life I came to the realization that there was life outside of my brother, that I no longer needed him to survive. I could be me, I could have relationships, I actually could be happy with someone other than Seth. But at the same time still be able to love him. That last part was really the biggest heap of mine that I needed to get over -- how to be able to love him but also love someone else. As the month was coming to a close, fear started to bubble up in me again-it was easy to do all this thousands of miles away from all of my issues but could I do it front and center? I looked in the mirror and said fuck it yes I could! Leaving that retreat was probably one of the hardest things to do because everything was so calming and safe. But at the same time walking out of there I had a new sense of self, I was able to see where and who I was when I walked in there and who I was now. And I definitely like who I was now more than before. I got on that plane back to New York smiling and excited and also wondering would I have that same feeling in 22 hours when I was actually back there. But again, the answer I gave myself was, Yes! Landing in New York again was actually a very surreal experience. It was if I was coming into a world that I had never seen before yet knew all about it and everything in it. I guess it really is a new beginning. After gathering my bags and grabbing a cab back into the city to head to my apartment, I was wondering what each experience was going to be like now. All of these places that I was going to enter I had only seen under very depressing eyes and thoughts of destruction. As the cab turned on to East 81st Street and was pulling up to my building, I got out and just stared at the front door unable to move. But after the driver pulled my bags out of the truck m dropped them next to me and then drove off I knew that it was time to take the next step. I walked up to the building, and the doorman opened the door and I saw a smile on his face and he himself said.. "Adam hi! So good to see you back! How's everything? Did you have a good time?". And all I could think was how I had never appreciated how kind this guy was always smiling and had kind words certainly towards me and I'm sure everyone else as well. "Good to see you too Brian! All is good on my end! I'll be down later and we can talk some more.". He offered help with the bags but I just said no worries and headed over to the elevators to head up to my floor -31. Finally the door opened. And I walked out and down the hall to my apartment. A place that I haven't seen in over a month. I finally walked and was slammed with a million memories of what had existed in this apartment, how many times I had sat there with my head in my hands or laying the couch just miserable. I just said no myself no...this is not me anymore I am a new person. And I just walked in put my stuff down looked around and finally just said.." this is my home and I'm going to make it that way in a happy way." But then that faithful moment came when I came across the picture on the shelf of my mantle of me and Seth standing together arms around each other's shoulders with big smiles. That was the last picture that had been before I made those statements years ago stating my feelings towards him. It was a time that I cherish but now know how to remember those times instead of the painful ones. As I walked around my place I started to think about how I was going to restart things, who do I call first? When am I going back to work-related that was easy next Monday. But first thing call the parents. As I dialed the phone and wondered what the response would be. I had the old saying in mind.."hope for the best and prepare for the worst." "Hello?" "Hi Mom I'm home! How are you?" "Oh Hi. Welcome back. How did it go?" "Went well definitely feeling better. How's everyone else?" "Everyone's good. No major events or things happened." " to hear. Do me a favour and let Dad know I'm back and anyone else that needs to know" "Will do. Talk soon. Bye" And she just hung up. Now to most that might sound disingenuous but actually for our family, that was quite kind.. actually almost loving. So I was happy with the way that went. At that point there really wasn't anyone else to call. A few friends that I would contact later but that's it. Now time to really start putting things back together. I went to the fridge, but forgot there wasn't going to be anything in it. So first stop grocery store. I headed back out and then came across Brian again, and we started talking and I got the quick update on what's been going on around here-at least of what he knew. And then as I was about to leave the building he mentioned something that stopped me dead. "You know Seth came by about a week or so ago looking for you. Apparently he had no idea at all that you had left, he said that he had tried getting you on your phone but it didn't go through.". Now this was something I had not expected. I figured that it was possible that my parents might have told Seth what happened, but not that he would come by. So I said, "What did you tell him?" "Just that you had gone on sabbatical for a month. Hope that was ok" "Oh of course that was fine. Ok Brian I gotta run to the store. I'll be back in a bit." Now I was truly puzzled. I had not expected him to come back into the picture so quickly, or even at all. But then I thought to myself, whatever. My life no longer revolves around him and I just continued to the store. After I got back to the apartment, I again reminded myself of what the past month was about and how far I had come and where I wanted to go. As I walked back into my office on Monday morning again it was like walking into a Time Warp. Everything seemed to be exactly the same like nothing changed at all, hell even one of the other attorneys down the hall was wearing the same shirt as the day I left. Just a weird feeling I suppose, but was time to get back to the grind and I started getting all my cases together and it actually felt good to start working again. I had that new feeling of accomplishment, that didn't exist previously and it felt damned good. I had finally brought myself back into the world but this time not falling back into a mold but making a new one. As the days and weeks started to pass, without even realizing it I was actually enjoying my life. I was going out evenings meeting friends, experiencing new things-I had never realized how much I enjoyed music and acting, to watch live shows on Broadway. I even learned to cook and at this point I had formed a group of friends large enough to start holding dinner parties of my own. And it was here that things came to a crossroads. There was one Friday night that I was having drinks with one of my closest friends. And he said to me, "Adam, I know everything you have been through. What started it all and where you have come to, and you seem to be at a point now that maybe it's time for you to share all that love and joy that you have in you. It's been over a year now since you've been back..why not try and go out with someone?" I just looked at him and thought for a minute, trying to come up with an answer as to why I haven't. "Jeff, truthfully? I don't think I want anyone. I don't have that feeling of loneliness or despair that I used to. I'm happy. Happier than I have ever been in my entire life. Why would I mess with that?" "Fair point. But, here's some food for thought-you aren't lonely anymore and you are happy. Wouldn't it be nice to share that happiness? To maybe even double that happiness. Just think about it. Might actually be a good thing. And trust me you can say what you want, but I'm no fool I know the hand gets boring after a while.". He just looked at me and winked and then said, "OK my friend, time for me to head out,. I'll see you tomorrow night. Party starts at 7 right?". I nodded and he gave me a hug and walked out. I sat at the bar for a little longer just wondering if he was right. Maybe it was time for me to start dating. It is true that I am happy. Happier than I have ever been. But would it be nice to spend time with someone other than just a friend? The answer to that would be yes as well. And if there were any other statement that he made that was true is the fact that yes, my hand was getting quite boring and tiresome. Yes, I think it is time for me to start dating. The following night, as I was getting things ready for my dinner party, I kept thinking more and more about what type of guy would I like to date. The type of personality, looks, mindset or did any of that even matter. Maybe it would just be one of those things that you know it when you see it. And came to the conclusion that the best thing for me would to be to keep the open mind. The real question now was where do I even start? Before I even had the chance to think further than that the door bell rang. I looked at my watch only 6:15..I was a little surprised. The only person that shows up early is Jeff but never this early. And also, the rest of the people invited tonight are generally late arrivals. So I was now quite curious as to who this could possibly be. As I opened the door, what I found standing in front of me left me speechless. Comments welcome at alwaysready123@gmail.com