Date: Wed, 18 Sep 2019 15:12:58 -0700 From: Always Ready Subject: Don't Say I Do Chapter 5 Don't Say I Do -- Part 5 Note: To all readers:. I want to thank everyone that has read and responded to me about Don't Say I do. Also, I know that there have been no scenes of sex as of yet, but I want to make the statement that this is about love and life and how It evolves. And sometimes life and love does take time to evolve into whatever it may be. As always all comments are welcome at alwaysready123@gmail.com I just sat there staring at the closed door processing everything that had just occurred over the past 2 hours. My brother has just walked back into my life, because he has no one else he can turn to but me. But decides to throw in the "I love you". The problem here is that the way my brain works, I question whether he's really here because he loves me? Or is he here because I'm the last resort, and he'll use my vulnerability to help him out, and then take off once all is better. It's a sick way of thinking, but unfortunately also a realistic one because I've been down this road before-not only with Seth but others who basically just use me for what's needed and then take off. After a very restless night I woke up with a start after hearing something down the hall and then remembered what happened last night and that I now have a roommate. I threw on a pair of gym shorts and ventured outside my bedroom to find Seth in just a pair of briefs looking through the linen closet. Yet this time his body was under the bright hallway light. What I saw was a man who did not look healthy. If anything looked sickly, I thought it was bad when I saw him last night in bed, but now in full light I saw the full picture-it was truthfully quite worrisome. "Morning" I chuckled to myself as he jumped 3 feet in the air. "Oh hi" "Need something?" "Just an extra towel, but I got it. How are you?" "I'm alright, just still reeling a bit after last night." "I know, I'm sure it was quite a shock to see me after all this time." "To say the least. You want some coffee? I'm going to put a pot on now." "Sure be right out." As I was making the coffee, I still had that feeling that something was screwy. It just did not seem like him at all - regardless of the way he looks or even the claimed circumstances. As the coffee was just finishing, he came back out in just a pair of gym shorts and no shirt. I handed him the coffee and we walked over to the couch to sit down and were now face to face. "Seth, i thought for a long time last night about what you said, and I don't know why, but things are just not adding up. Remember something, I've known you longer than anyone, even without the last few years. I want you to look me directly in the eye and really tell me what happened". He just sat there staring at me. "Ugh I hate that you can do this to me. Fine you really want to know? Here's the truth. The 1st part of the story I told you is all true, I have been a mess from the beginning. It's the rest that's the real issue. I didn't divorce her, she did it to me. That marriage was doomed for failure from day 1. Well in actuality it was really a sham. She was vindictive and wanted nothing more than a pretty face, money and an easy life with the ability to do what she wanted-which brings in the other guys one of which you saw. Now the why part-it goes back to my inability to accept failure. I've never been able to get it up with a girl and I refused to accept it. You were always my cover until college and even there I found a good friend as well to help me out with that cover . There was no way I was going to let anyone know that -- so I found every way to ensure no one knew it and she was the key. But then it got to the point that we could no longer stand each other and the whole thing just fell apart. So now I know your next question is am I gay? Well, I thought the answer to that question was yes. So I tried to hook up with a guy or 2 and see if that worked. It didn't. And after that, I fell into a very deep depression, lost my job, place to stay and well now I'm here." I just sat there absolutely stunned. I thought that I had heard it all. But this was the most unbelievable thing that I had ever heard in my life. I didn't know whether to cry, laugh or say I told you so. But I did see truth in it. The worst thing happened to him, he failed. "Tell me something Seth, if I know you so well and I was your cover until you left, why didn't you tell me? If you knew you could trust me and I would assume you did. Why not say something to me? That's all you had to do, and it would have been no different than in school. I would have been your cover and that would have solved the problem, and you wouldn't have ended up in this position." "God damn Adam. I love you and I didn't want you to think any less of me." "Do you love me as your brother or are you 'in love' with me? They are 2 VERY different statements". And that's where the silence from him came in. He just kept staring at me, I could see the wheels turning in his head. "Seth, this isn't a very difficult question. You either are or your not." He looked away from me and then started to get up off the couch. But, before he could get up to walk away I grabbed his wrist. "NO Seth. You can't just run and hide anymore. You have your one and only opportunity here. I will never throw you out or let you suffer. But, I will NOT do this again. You make the decision as to how we move forward-as brothers or as lovers. You know how I feel about you-you will always be a part of me. But, if you feel that you just want to be my brother, I'm perfectly fine with that as well." He said nothing, but pulled me into a very tight hug and whispered into my ear.. "I do love you Adam. You have been nothing but an angel to me. But I just can't be with you like that. I'm so sorry." I could not believe what I had just heard. After all this, all this talk and then hope and now pain. "Seth no, you can't mean that." It was there that I finally cracked. Even after all the work I've done on myself, the retreat, the therapy, I get knocked out again. But the difference this time I was going to get the why. "Please, I'm begging you tell me why? What's wrong with me? Why don't you want to be with me?? Please don't leave me. You could NEVER fail with me. NEVER. I could care less if we ever had sex. It's not about that. It's about us, you and me as a team as two people connected by blood who were meant to be together. Please! I'm begging you don't walk away. Give it one shot. I ask for nothing more. Just try it with me, no matter what happens, I will never turn you away never think any less of you I am and will always be in love with you.". I was literally in tears at this point. "Adam, it's not you-its me. I do love you very, very much. I just couldn't bare things not going right between us. You don't deserve that pain. I don't know if it will work. It certainly hasn't yet." "Well, I have a secret to tell you my beautiful brother...it could never go wrong. Whether it works or not. Nothing would make it wrong. Seth you don't have to hide anymore, there's no more failure. It's just us. Come on just give me one chance. And if you are really still against it, then I guess I'll have to accept that. I need you in me, I need you as a part of me." I just looked deeply into his eyes-I saw something there, I couldn't tell what though. "Please Adam don't. Stop I love you dearly but we just can't do it." And he just got up and left me there, alone. idea if mine will work either. Why don't we try and figure it out together?". He looked at me strangely and then it clicked.. "For fucks sake! I need to know why. . TELL ME NOW!". He turned to me again and said 3 very chilling words. "I have AIDS."