Date: Sat, 21 Sep 2019 14:08:22 -0700 From: Always Ready Subject: Don't Say I Do Part 7 Nifty is a free service, please help to keep it free by donating to the site! To all readers:. I very much appreciate everyone's comments and thoughts. I know that there may be some controversial actions that occur which may seem unorthodox, but always keep in mind that each person makes their own decisions, whether wise or unwise. Sometimes, even the most irrational decisions have no way of being changed regardless of the possible future ramifications. Please continue to send your comments to alwaysready123@gmail.com. I'll respond as quickly as I can! Don't Say I Do Part 7 In thinking about the past few hours, it had been my dream come true. I now had the man that I have loved my entire life laying in my arms sleeping away. We-well I made some very rash decisions, I knew what I had done. It may have been foolish, stupid, dangerous even deadly, but I didn't care. I needed him to be a part of me. I don't know what it was but I NEEDED that in me. I needed to feel him, taste him, truly be connected in closest way possible. I also did think about his statements of the medical treatment that he claimed to have tried and the prognosis that he had been given, and I wondered how correct it was. The man laying on top of me was a shell of what he used to be physically -- but that did not need to be the case. People can leave very long happy lives with AIDS, there was something else going on here. As I lay there thinking, I must have finally fallen asleep myself because the next time I opened my eyes the sky's we're dark and there was no longer anyone laying in my arms. I turned over to look at the clock-530pm. I couldn't believe it, I had literally slept the entire day. "Seth?" "In the kitchen Addy". I couldn't believe what I just heard -- he called me "Addy". I haven't been called that in I don't know how many years. And actually, the only person that was ever allowed to call me that was Seth. It just put the biggest smile on my face. I actually had to pinch myself to make sure that it was real. As I slowly walked down the hallway, and the kitchen came into view, I just stopped to stare at him. Even in his current state, he was just so beautiful. This wasn't even about physical looks anymore, this was about seeing the true beauty of a man's mind and soul. This was the person that I fell in love with all those years ago. The person that I knew had always been inside that body, now stood in front of me. But this time he was mine hold on to. "Hey sleepy head! I was wondering if you were ever going to get up!" I just laughed and said, "Well excuse me, but my ass was a bit tired and sore after having a freaking snake plunged into it multiple times." "Yea well, I never had a vice around it either." I just smiled and walked over and wrapped my arms around him, nibbled and licked along his ear and whispered in, "I love you so much. And thank you for coming here regardless of the circumstances. I'm just so happy to have you here. I've missed you." "I know babe, I've missed you too. And I'm sorry that it took all this time and mess, but you know me I'm stubborn as anything. Anyway, I'm fucking hungry. Don't you have any normal food? I mean the party food is good and all but I want something real." "Such as what?" "Ohh dude, order a pizza from Randy's!" I just laughed and nodded. After ordering the pizza I just went and sat down on the couch still staring at him and those beautiful emeralds. I guess in way I was still in shock over the fact that he was here let alone my lover. And then from that thought of happiness, came the thought of his health. "So, I don't mean to put a damper on things, but something is still bugging me. I understand the start of everything, and how dumb you were. But, what else is going on? Let's be realistic here, even with your diagnosis, if you're on the meds that you are, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to live many more years. What else is wrong? And no bull shitting, I want to know the real truth." He just stood there looking at me. I could clearly see the pain in his eyes, I knew that I was right. There was much more to this than just the AIDS diagnosis. "Please Seth just tell me. This isn't about the past or what happened anymore. This is about now, about us. You are my life partner, literally my flesh and blood. Please just tell me what's wrong. Whatever it is we can deal with it together." He just kept staring at me said nothing, until I finally saw a tears start coming out of his eyes. "Adam, I'm sorry it took so long for us to get together, and it's all my fault. I shouldn't have let it go so long. And now, now there's barely any time left. I just had to be a part of you for at least a little while, and then just know I'll be waiting for you.." "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? TELL ME NOW!!" He slowly walked out of the kitchen and down the hall to the bedroom. I could hear the rustling of papers, and then him walking back into the living room and handing me a folder." "Here just read the first page. It will tell you everything. I just can't say it anymore, can't hear it anymore." I looked at him and then opened the folder, first looked at the date on top, two weeks ago to the day, and then started to read, line by line, until I got to the end of the page. And then finally looked up at him, "How long has this been going on?" "I don't know, Mom explained it to me when I was 4 or 5. Don't you remember when we both had longer hair, and then all of a sudden she decided that we should both get buzz cuts?" I thought about it for a few minutes and suddenly remembered. He saw it hit me, and as I started putting things together. He said again. "Exactly, I was going to the doctors office week after week. I've been fighting this almost my whole life. The real reason I went to Europe? There were trial treatments there, and everything we tried worked for a while and then quit and it was back to square one. And finally, a couple of months ago, I just gave up. I'm so tired of fighting Adam, I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry." He just stood there sobbing." I just pulled him into me and held him as tight as I possibly could. "Shhh. I understand my love I do. I want you to think, or at least consider trying a little bit longer, at least for us. I will hold your hand all the way through no matter what. Please for me. It doesn't have to be a death sentence you can fight it." "Adam, I can't do it anymore. I've been fighting for so many years already. It gets knocked out from one place and then it comes back in another. I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired and weak. What we did last night was the most wonderful experience, and I'm so happy it finally happened, but if I'm honest, every single bone in my body hurts. It hurts to stand, it hurts to talk. It's truly ripping me apart from the inside out." "Shhh..it's ok, it's OK. You don't have to fake anything anymore. You don't have to pretend anymore. And if you really don't want to fight anymore that's OK too. Come on, you want to go back to bed or stay out here? "We're good here." I kissed him deeply again and left him to the couch while I went back to the bedroom to find my wallet before the delivery guy got here. As I walked back into kitchen I just stood at the breakfast bar staring out into the living room watching Seth just lay on the couch. As I ran my eyes up and down his body, it was beautiful but extremely frail. AIDS and then add in 20 years of on going treatments for lukemia, and what could you expect? This was a man who was struggling to survive-I wanted to beg him to keep trying. I wanted to see if we could find experimental treatments, maybe rounds of chemotherapy? But at the same time, I didn't want him to suffer any more than he already had. I remember my good friend Michael going through this-it was lung cancer in his case but I remember he tried it all, medications, chemo, but it finally got to a point that he too was so exhausted from it that he made the decision to just let nature take it's course. And within a few months his organs started shutting down one by one, and there came a night where close family and friends gathered to say our goodbyes as he closed his eyes for the final time. It was one of the saddest things I had ever experienced. But I understood it just the same. No one should have to suffer like that. All of a sudden I heard the buzzer ring. I didn't realize how long I'd been stuck in that spot. "Pizza is here Seth you still hungry?" "Absolutely!" As I brought the pizza into the kitchen, I watched Seth get up and walk over to the table..even with the way he looked he still seemed OK and certainly still had an appetite, all good signs I suppose. "You know, I never asked you what you were doing for work." "Oh I had just gone into office work became an executive assistant. Nothing very exciting, and then when the symptoms started coming back I took a medical leave and never went back. Unemployment ran out about 2 months ago and after that you know the rest." "Well what do you want to do now? Do you want to go back to work? Try something new?" "Based on my condition, I don't know. There are days I don't have the strength to get out of bed let alone go to work." "What about working from home? You've got the EA experience, there's plenty of stuff you can do remotely or just temp." "Adam why are you pushing this now? Can't I just breathe and let it go?" "Actually that's exactly why I'm pushing it. If you are going to give up on trying any type of new treatment, that's fine but your then going to work like normal till you can't. It's your choice.". Again he gave me one of those stares that he used to try when we were kids and I would always run from it. But no more. "Fine I'll consider it. But Addy, I just want you to know it's only for you, I truthfully want to just crawl up in that bed and wither away, because I already know and so do you, what the end result is going to be which ever I decide." After that he just got up and left the table and walked out to the terrace. A few moments later I got up to follow him. And turned around took me in his arms and kissed me deeply licked my ear and said, "Can't we just spend the rest of the time we have together? It's been too long and I've missed you so much. I want to stay in your arms until my end. I want you to make love to me over and over again. That's the way I want to remember things. Just like that." The crazy thing is, even after all this time of separation, he still had power over me..and he knew it too. I just looked into his beautiful eyes and said, "Come my love, it's my turn to make you mine."