From: D One Subject: A Father's Confession Date: Mon, 09 Nov 1998 21:58:34 GMT Many of you will think I'm some kind of pervert. But I hasten to say, I do not agree. What happened seemed natural and wasn't forced on anyone. And I hesitate to write about it for fear that many readers will mis interpret the entire thing. I was a single father. My wife died during childbirth of Jeffrey. Jeff, my only child, reminded me so much of her..but much of me too as a boy. His pranks, boundless energy, emotional adjustment to life, bruised ego and yet wonderfully generous attitude seemed like a volcano of attitudes that erupted one after the other..and I longed for the day when it would all settle to earth and I'd discover what kind of person he'd be. His mother was kind, generous, loving, very intelligent and showed some artistic bent. I, if I don't mind saying so, am intelligent as well, wear my emotions on my sleeve a bit, attempt to be creative and yet, like most Capricorns, am pretty organized as well. What a set of parents for a kid to have! I was determined to guide Jeffrey in areas that would benefit him later on. I got him interested in swimming at an early age. He turned into a fish every summer after that. I introduced him to soccer, baseball and basketball. He preferred soccer "because everyone gets to play" he said. And since he was pretty agressive, I knew he meant that not from his own vantage point but as one who wanted his friends to play..not just a select few. I took him to church and explained the whys, wherefores, etc. He preferred to go on hikes with me on weekends..and we worshipped in our own way, that way. His grandparents deplored this of course..so I let him spend weekends with them as well...which he enjoyed. But the sight of him running to meet me when I picked him up always made my eyes water. "Why are you crying Daddy?" he'd always ask. "Because I'm so glad to see you" I'd reply quite honestly. And we exchanged that greeting for the rest of our lives. Jeffrey, like all kids, wouldn't stay the adorable little kid. He grew. The boy whose naked body I soaped, rinsed and cuddled got too old for that kind of thing..at least not with his Daddy. Someday, I knew, someone else would take my place doing those things. Now in the process of Jeffrey's youth, I too underwent a change. As a kid and later as a soldier I had shared sexual desires with men and women. Although I thought I preferred females, after Shirley died, I seemed to long for the male companionship I had remembered so fondly from my bachelor days. And from time to time, especially those weekend when Jeffrey was at his grandparents, I'd explore those attractions. Head to toe sex, cuddling, groups, a little drugs and unlimited sex filled many nights and days those weekends. I would go to bath houses or gyms, motels or sex clubs. Soemtimes I'd meet a guy at bar and we'd go to his place..but I never took anyone to Jeffrey and my home. There would be nothing wrong with that of course, but I just didn't feel comfortable. And after a weekend of expelling my own brand of energy, I'd pull up to the house of either my or Shirley's parents and see Jeffrey come running out to meet me. "Daddy why are you crying?" "Because I've missed you a whole lot" And we'd go home. As Jeffrey grew older, his running became a trot and eventually a more casual "cool" like demeanor. "Did you notice I'm crying?" I asked one time "Dad, I'm too old for that" he'd say. "It doesn't matter, I missed you a whole lot" I'd reply and sometimes Jeffrey would pat my leg, squeeze my hand or even kiss me on the cheek. Jeffrey naked was a sight to behold. I had seen him nude since he was a little baby of corse. I had seen him grow with his testicles and penis getting more pronounced as they hung under his totally smooth body. We would see each other naked as we changed into our swim suits so there was no secret that his pubic hair had grown in. One day I took him to the beach and wouldn't tell him where. We arrived and climbed down the steep cliff to the beach. He kept asking me why we came here and I said "you'll see..it'll be good for you to come here" I said. As we walked furhter from the entrance, naked men and women became more and more apparent. Jeffrey grew silent. We went to the north end of the beach. There were more men then women around. Naked butts, balls, dicks, men, boys and inbetween were everywhere. "I can't do this" he said to me as we sat on our towels. "Sure you can...just strip down, if you get hard, turn on your stomach until it goes down. Then run into the ocean" I stripped naked in front of him. He looked at me and then turned away. He had seen me naked before of course, but not in public. "Come on" He pulled his shirt and pants off leaving only his shorts. "OK lay down on your stomach if you like and pull them off" He surprised me by doing the opposite..laying on his back and peeling his underwear off. I could see his penis was moving, half hard and might spring up at anytime. "Good, now just close your eyes and relax" We lay there awhile. I heard some rustling and opened my eyes to see him turn over on his stomach. Under him his curved penis, much like my own, was hard as a rod. I didn't say anything. Then later I put lotion all over him from the back of his neck to his heels. My hands didn't avoid his white buttocks back or sides. It was the first time in years I had touched him there. "Turn over" I said and he did it. His penis was soft again and I spread lotion all over him....including his penis and balls. I was surprised he didnt' get hard. And embarassed that I was. I lay on my stomach without a word and soon felt Jeffrey's young strong hands spreading lotion all over me. "Turn over" he said "I better not" I replied "Might embarrass you" But I turned over....trying not to think about my erection. It had gone anyway and Jeffrey's hands on my bare chest, thighs and feet made it start to come back. He didn't touch my crotch. But he did pour ice cold water on me...where he got it I didn't know. So I jumped up and chased him. There we were naked father and son running all over the beach, collapsing after I caught him...and then racing each other into the ocean. The afternoon found us still buck naked, throwing frisbee then a baseball, swimming and lathering each other with sun tan lotion again as we lay in the sun. Neither one of us got hard as we got lathered or did the lathering. As Jeffrey spread lotion on his dad's hairy testicales and meaty cock I was surprised that I didn't get hard. "That was fun" he said as we drove home "let's come back" and the drive was silent. I feared I took him there for the wrong reasons. That instead of wanting him to grow up with the right attitude about nudity, something evil deep inside of me wanted to do it for the "other" reasons. We didn't ever go back together. Although Jeffrey and friends went there often. And I went there with one or more friends from my gay contacts now and then too. Jeffrey's young interest in swimming continued and I sat in the stands watching my smooth skinned boy wearing a very small speedo swim and play water polo throughout high school. I saw women, girls and men look at him and whisper to each other...it made me as proud of him as the grades he got, the music he learned to play or the night he went to a junior prom. Matthew was Jeffrey's best friend from the swim team. As time went by, Matthew hung around our house more and more. I'd see them playing in our backyard pool. I'd try not to stare as they dove naked into the pool, thinking nobody was home to see them. I heard them laugh and wrestle around in Jeffrey's room. And now and then, I'd pass Jeffrey's door and hear what I believed was unmistakable sounds of masturbation. I had heard Jeffrey jack off years before. I heard the moaning, breathing and sighing as he ejaculated from behind the bathroom door, his bedroom door and sometimes in the living room late at night when I was supposed to be upstairs asleep. So, when I heard the same sounds from his bedroom when Matthew was there, I knew that the usual experimentation of teenagers was probably going on. Matthew was muscular. His round shoulders and big triceps seemed sexy to me. I told him so from time to time and he'd smile at me. It was a strange smile...knowing, teasing yet still boyishly innocent. One night as I started downstairs, I heard the familiar breathing and moaning. I crept down enough to see two naked bodies in a position that told me they were giving each other satisfaction. And I went back to bed to jack off three times before I slept. "Hope we didn't make too much noise last night" Matthew said to me when Jeffrey was out of the room. "You are welcomed here anytime" I said to Matthew not knowingly saying what I wanted to say..but perhaps I did. "Cool" he replied and pulled his shirt off getting an admiring look and comment from me. But Jeffrey came in, wearing his small jockey shorts and told Matthew it was time for a swim. Both boys ran out and dove in. Wet underwear on both of them made the two look even sexier. "Hi, Matthew" I said surprised to see him so early one afternoon. "Jeffrey said you were home from work today" "He won't be home for hours" I said realizing that Matthew knew this already. "Cool. Can I stick around for awhile?" he came in without my reply. I offered and got him something to eat. "Do you mind if I swim a bit?" he asked. I never let anyone swim alone in our pool unless its Jeffrey. Neighbors or others always had to have me or Jeffrey or someone else with them. It was safer that way. I said Matthew I'd have to join him. He stood and pulled off his tee shirt then short and shook his naked crotch abit. "Great. Come on" he ran out the door and dove into the pool. Something got into me and I stripped as I trotted after him and dove naked into the pool as well. Jeffrey and I played in the pool often. So there I was doing the same with Matthew..except my hands explored him..cradled his buttocks, let him float on his back while I lightly stroked his body above the water line...complimented him on his erection....and we played tag. In the pool, now standing in the shallow end, we kissed each other and held onto each other as our hands slid up and down. We didn't speak as we went inside and got towels. He took my hand and we went ot my bedroom and there, made love. "Fuck me, Daddy" he kept saying as I looked down on him and held his ankles apart so I could do exactly that. It was draining, brain confusing, fantastic. During the night, he came back from Jeffrey's room and crawled next to me. I told him "no" but his lips and mouth were all over me and made me explode again. From then on, he and I would find each on weekends when Jeffrey was at the grandparents house or on dates. Matthew and I fucked like two teenagers. "You never want to anymore" I heard Jeffrey argue with Matthew one afternoon. I feared what they were talking about..arguing about...but it turned out to only be an argument about working out. From the moans I heard, Matthew did want to do other things with Jeffrey still. I had gotten to know Matthews moaning and combined with Jeffrey's little boy masturbation moaning, I finally realized what I had thought was going on, was indeed what the two boys had been doing for years. And I got to do some of it too with Matthew. Prom night came and Jeffrey stood like every teenager his age does, wearing his white tux, carring the corsage and waited for the limo with Matthew inside to pick him up. I still have a photo of the two of them with their dates on my dresser. Both looking studly, their girls looking quite attractive and all looking so young. College turned my house into a morgue. Jeffrey was gone. Matthew was gone. The neighborhood of children seemed to all be growing up and gone too. My dating activities had slowed down as I got older too. And I thought about bringing home a date now and then now that Jeffrey had essentially moved out. Holidays and weekends later, his first year away from home was over. I was laying in my room, excited to see him again, listen to his chatter about classes, sports, other guys, stared with all my love at his form diving into our pool long ignored by his absence. I heard him move around a bit in his own room...then my bedroom door creaked open. "Asleep?" he whispered. I propped myself on my arm towards him thinking he had more to say. The hallway light illuminated him as he came closer. I realized he was totally naked. His form was unmistakable to me. His dick, was curved and erect. He moved closer and picked up the covers and got in my bed. I didn't know what to say. My boy, once two years old then suddenly thirteen and then sixteen, now eighteen was beside me. "Miss me?" he asked. I didn't answer. I couldn't because he was halfway on top of me, his lips kissing mine. "Why are you crying, Daddy?" he asked. I realized my eyes had excreted tears. "Because I missed you a whole lot" I said. "More then Matthew?" he asked giggling like the mischevious kid he used to be at two. He knew, I realized. We made love, like two buddies, two lovers, two men, two people who had been apart too long. We never did that again the rest of our lives. Matthew did come to visit now and then and we had great sex however. He told me that one drunken night he had admitted having sex with me to Jeffrey..and Jeffrey had cried. But Jeffrey and I remained father and son, loving each other as much as we could, caring about each other as much as possible and wishing for the day when we could innocently run up and down the nude beach together. I love him of course..I always have. And yes, at times the sight of him turned me on, gave me fantasies or inspired one hell of a masturbation session. And the night we crossed "the line" and made love is a cherished memory that seemed quite natural, fulfilling and our private expression of that love. Matthew went on to love another. Jeffrey has a wife and two kids. I have had a couple of lovers over the years including the college student who is currently swimming naked in my backyard pool as I write this. How like Jeffrey his smooth body looks, how like Matthew his curved smile inspires sex and how like Jeffrey's mother he kisses me. So I confess...and regret nothing.