Date: Fri, 9 Apr 2010 23:57:46 -0400 From: J K Subject: Funny things happen part 14 "Funny Things Happen" Part 14 Comments welcome at imawriter123@gmail.com It's a parent's worst nightmare, something happening to your child. I kept screaming into the phone asking him what was wrong trying to get a response but nothing just silence. I threw the phone down looked at Mark with what must have been the face of a lunatic and all I could get out was "Josh" He didn't need any more than that. We were both dressed in what must have been less than 30 seconds. I ran down the stairs with Mark not less than a few steps behind me and out of the apartment. I had no idea how the hell I was going to get to Stanford, it was over 7 hours by car, plane was the only way to go, hell I'd hire a private one if I had to. I needed to get to him, I didn't know what was wrong, all I knew was that it was bad. He has never sounded like that in his life. Mark was driving like a mad man towards the airport, I kept redialing over and over but there was no answer, I called one of the roommates all I got was "I don't know where he is" Good fucking god no one knew where he was what had happened, my heart was being ripped out, my brain was running in overdrive, I didn't know who else to call except the police. But speaking coherently and explaining that it was police in Stanford that I needed was not happening. Mark grabbed the phone out of my hand, and explained it the best he could from what I could understand. Finally at the airport, we ran in and to the first ticket counter we could find that flew up to Stanford, again my ability to speak was impossible. I just stood there in tears, god knows what I looked at but I didn't give a shit. Before I realized it Mark grabbed my arms and we were running, where I hadn't a clue. At that point everything was just a blur. We got onto a plane, so apparently he found some flight that went up there, when we finally sat down in the seat before take-off, I just collapsed in Mark's arms. The things running through my head as to what was wrong and what happened scared me, they scared me so much, that I didn't know what to do but just sit there and weep. It would be almost 2 hours before we even reached the university no matter what transportation we used. God knows he could be dead by then. Mark did his best to try and calm me down, but it was useless and truthfully he was no better, we were both just absolute messes. By the time we got off the plane in San Jose it had been almost 2 hours since I got the phone call and it would still be another 30 minute drive from the airport once we rented a car, and we didn't even know where the hell he was. I immediately tried calling him again, but still no answer. At this point I called the police again to find out if there had been any sight of him since we called previously. But the horrible answer was no. We drove over to the dorms, to at least find that word had gotten out that he was missing and there was a search going on around the campus. Apparently he had formed a rather large circle of friends (which admittedly was no surprising) but it was a little comforting that at least it wasn't just us that were concerned. The last person that had seen him was his roommate and that was at 10:30pm last night and he said that he was going out to grab some food and bring it back, and was never heard from again. It didn't appear that he would have been going far, since his car was still in its spot. But at the same time, none of the usual food joints that he typically had gone to, ever saw him. Absolutely none of this made any sense. It was already 11:30am on Sunday, almost 12 hours since I received that call and still nothing. No sightings, no other phone calls nothing, and I just collapsed at the base of a tree. I couldn't handle it anymore all I kept thinking was that he was lying dead somewhere in a dumpster or barge or god knows where else. At that point the world was just spinning around me, I had no idea what was going on I was just lost. If I actually lost him, for real, that would be the death of me. If that were the case I would have nothing else to live for. It's one thing not to have him as a lover but still have him as a son. But to lose him completely, would kill me. Simple as that it would kill me. I didn't feel or even see Mark come up and sit down next to me and hold me. But it didn't matter I had no energy to hold him back. I was almost lifeless myself, it was already 4pm, it had been 16 hours since that phone call and still no sight of him. Mark just kept repeating, "We're going to find him. He is the most resourceful person that I know. He can hold his own, always has been able to. We will find him and he's going to be OK, I promise" They were words but they weren't comforting. I wished I believed them to be true, but as it is, it just doesn't seem possible. No, I wasn't giving up hope but trying to prepare myself for a possible reality. It was at that point that the phone rang, it was Mark's not mine but hell it didn't matter, I prayed it was good news maybe they'd found him. But the look that Mark had on his face told me one of two things. Someone found him but he was dead. Or they were just giving up. Mark closed the phone and slowly looked down at me with a grief stricken face. I knew it, he was gone. One way or another he was gone. Mark just continued to stare at me with tears streaming down his face. I just said to him, "Please, just tell me dead or alive?" All he said was, "Come, we need to go now. There was a body found, but no one can ID him. He is alive, but on life support. Let's go." All I heard was `He is alive'. I had my glimmer of hope. I just knew it was him, it had to be. Nothing else mattered at that point. He was alive and now I had to go and be with him, in whatever shape or form I had to go. We got into the car in absolute silence, nothing was said, no radio nothing, just absolute silence. I hadn't even asked where it was that he was, I didn't care really I just needed to be there. After what seemed like forever we were entering the city of San Francisco and then into the parking lot of the hospital. I was in a total daze being taken by hand through the parking lot and into the building, and through the doors of the Intensive Care Unit, where we finally came to a dead stop. The nurse said something to Mark which I didn't hear and didn't really care, but I did know it was something bad, because he squeezed my hand tighter. And then the nurse opened the curtain. My knees instantly buckled and had Mark not caught me, I would have been lying on the floor. What I saw laying in front of me did not look like that of the human body. There were countless tubes running from his arms, the face was barely recognizable –what wasn't bandaged was black and blue. Furthermore, both of his knees were bandaged, it was just a horrific sight one of which I couldn't bear to look at anymore, and I just walked out of the room. Seeing your child like that is like having daggers being driven into your chest over and over again. I wanted to be the one in that bed, not him. I couldn't for the life of me imagine why and what had happened. It made no sense to me at all. Josh was not someone who provoked fights, wasn't any part of a gang, none of it made any sense to me. And God knows if I'd ever find out. That body in there looked lifeless. Mark finally came out and found me sitting on the floor, pulled me up and took me over to a waiting are and sat me down. I was afraid to hear what it was he was going to tell me, but at the same time I needed to know. With tears streaming down his face he said, "In short, he's hanging on by a thread, there's damage pretty much everywhere. There was a lot of trauma to his head, right now he's in a coma and somewhat stable. But further there isn't much they can do. But listen to me. Yes the news is grim, but remember who we are talking about here. If there is anyone who can survive this, it's him. If there is a way to fight and win, he can do it, just like everything else he's ever done. Remember his saying about anything and everything, `If I'm in it, I'm in it to win it.' If he can win it, he will David, he will." I wished I could believe it, I want to believe it, but what I saw in there, I don't know how anyone could beat that, superman or not. Granted Mark was right, anything Josh ever put his mind to, he did it. Our only hope was that he still had the mind to do it. But with being in a coma and brain damage, how much could have left? At that point I really didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know whether to go back inside, sit here, go to a hotel. My life had just been flipped upside down and inside out. I just looked at Mark and he looked just as lost as me, neither one of us knew what to do at that point other than just sit there and cry. What else can you do when you son is laying near death in the next room? Finally I stood up and very slowly walked back over to the ICU pushed the door open and walked up to the bed with my son in it, I took his left hand in mine, it was still warm, (which I took as a good sign) and I brought it up to my lips and kissed it gently and then placed it back down on the bed next to him, and then leaned over towards his ear and just whispered, "I love you Joshua, please, please come back to us, I can't live without you. I need you, I love you in every way possible. You are my life, my soul, my heart. I love Mark more than anything in the world but my heart will always belong to you." I stood there talking and whispering, I doubt he heard anything but I had to say it all. It's how I felt, what I felt and what I meant. But my gut told me, that as much of a fighter as he is, this was one that he wasn't going to win. I once again felt Mark behind me his hands resting gently on my shoulders. He slowly pulled me up from the bedside turned me around and asked me, "David, come it's already after midnight, you've been here for hours and have had no sleep. I don't want you getting sick too. I got us a hotel room, it's just down the street, let's go back and try and get some sleep, we'll come back in a few hours. The nurses said they will call if anything changes. OK?" I didn't say anything, I really had no words. I just followed him out of the room and down the hall to the elevator, and I finally looked at him and said, "Mark, if I lose him, you know that I'm following suit. I'm sorry to do that to you, and it's not fair or right or kind, but if I lose him, I have nothing left. Even having you, I have nothing left." He just stood there with tears streaming down his face and said, "I know David, I know." He knew I wasn't kidding. I was just as crazy as my son, maybe that's where he got it from. But would I take my own life to be with my son? Yes I would, without a second thought. As we went from the hospital over to the hotel there were no words spoken, no sounds made. What could be said? I-no we had a son laying almost dead in a bed, for an unknown reason, I had no idea what to think or do. I then looked at my watch, it was already October 18th, Josh turns 18 in less than 24 hours. I remember standing in the hospital then waiting for his mother to give birth to my son, that too was a rough time, she had a very difficult time in labor, was almost 12 hours of it. I remember how much pain she was in, I could see myself at that time chuckling over how much pain she was in because of the problems she caused me. Now I was getting my payback, maybe that's what it was payback. Except that the wrong person was getting the real payback. He didn't deserve this. And then once again I just broke down in tears. I had no idea where Mark was, somewhere in the room I suppose, but it didn't matter, there was really nothing he could at this point. He could hold me, but it meant nothing, as warm as his arms were they were still cold. Honestly I wanted to be left alone, but on the same token I was afraid to be alone. I was just about to take my shoes off, and then in the midst of all that the phone rang again. And I got the jab in my stomach. They were calling to say he died. Mark looked over at me while on the phone with that same face he had on when we got the first call. I didn't want to hear anything I really don't think I could take any more bad news at this point. And all I said was, "Doesn't matter what, do whatever it is they have to, to save him. ANYTHING" Mark just looked at me nodded his head and went back to the phone. I retied my shoes and was already halfway out of the room when I heard Mark call to me, "David! Come back here" I shook my head no, and started to run but he jumped up to grab me. I kept trying to run but my feet were off the ground and I wasn't moving anywhere. He was just too strong for me and I finally just gave up. I didn't want to hear what he had to say, I really didn't. "David, before we go back, and we will in a few minutes, but we need to talk first. They've taken him in for emergency brain surgery. It's a chance but not a guarantee. No one knows what's he's going to out as, whether he will wake up or not, and even if he does, what functions he will have. I want you to think about Josh. Would he want to live the rest of his life on life support? Or as someone who is just a vegetable? Could you live with that every day? I know you don't want to hear that or listen to that, but you have to think about it. David I know it's not fair, and not right, I have no words for it or explanation. I wish I could change it all, I wish I could be the one in his position. I would trade my own life to save his no questions asked. But you have to think about the rest just in case you have to make a decision." I hated hearing that, I hated Mark for saying it. But what I hated more, was the fact that he was right. I had to consider what it was I was going to do in all scenarios. I just couldn't take it anymore, but I looked at him and nodded, and we walked over to the elevators to back to the hospital. It was with unbearable emotional pain that I walked back into that building and up into the waiting room. The updated news was that he was still in surgery, but that was it. No one knew what was going on inside. I wanted to wait up until he came out to at least hear the verdict, but as I sat there, my eyes started to close. After almost 60 hours I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I fell into Mark. I don't know how long it was that I was asleep, but I suddenly felt a gentle shaking and I slowly opened my eyes looking around and then suddenly remembering where I was and why and started to cry again. I looked up at Mark and he actually had half a smile on his face. Something a I hadn't seen in days, and I just said "Josh?" He looked back at me and said, "He made it through the surgery, and they were able to stop the bleed. He is still in recovery but the prognosis is better than anticipated. The brain damage was not as severe as they thought. He will live, and not as a vegetable. Further than that, is still up in the air. But it doesn't matter he's going to live." At that point I didn't care about anything else. I heard `will live and not as a vegetable' NOTHING ELSE mattered. The rest could all be fixed or dealt with somehow, but I still had my son. I literally jumped into Marks arms in tears, but tears of joy. I then asked, "Can I see him? Where is he?" "He's still in recovery and heavily sedated, it will be a few hours before they bring him around. So come with me let's go get something to eat and we'll come back up. You don't have to worry anymore. He's going to be fine, trust me. I told you, our son is a fighter, just like everything else. He's in it, and in it to win it."