Date: Wed, 14 Jul 2010 11:35:27 -0400 From: J K Subject: Re: Funny things happen Part 18 To everyone: My apologies for the delay in posting. The next parts will follow quickly. As always comments welcome at: Imawriter123@gmail.com One would think that he would look sad or angry, but to the contrary Mark had a smile on his face. It was a very strange moment, but I once again felt that I was at another crossroad where do I go from here. It's obvious that the relationship with Josh was fast changing. The question was, where does this leave Mark? At that point our eyes were still locked, and he still had that smile on his face -- so strange I wasn't really sure what to say at that point, other than "Hi". However, before ever being able to finish that sentence, Josh grabbed my arm for support to get out of the bed and reached for one of his crutches. Truth be told, his arms had gotten stronger, and he was able to hold himself up without needing any help to move forward once he had himself up. But even that took its toll, he started to hop his way out of the room to what I assumed was the bathroom. That in itself was a huge relief a few months ago, when he was finally able to do that himself, rather than having to have one of us help him or still needing a bed pan. After he left the room I looked back at Mark, and before I even had the chance to say anything he said, "You want to talk now or tonight after work?" I thought for a moment and then realized we better do it now, otherwise it'll drive me crazy all day. Then again regardless of what the discussion was going to be about and it's outcome I was still going to be nuts all day. I looked back at him and said, "Let's talk now." He nodded, waited for me to get up, took my hand and walked me down the hall to our bedroom, sat me down on the bed, looked into my eyes and said, "Listen to me, I love you dearly, I love Josh as if he were my own son, and because of that you know I would do anything you asked or wanted me to. I want nothing more than for you to be happy-for him to be happy. If you asked me today to let you be with him, by yourself, I would. I know from the time that I met you that your heart truly belonged to him, and I saw that as something so honorable that in a way I envied it. And I know, at this rate it doesn't seem as if he's going to improve anything past this, and don't fool yourself you can't do everything on your own -- I wouldn't even allow you too. If and when things change we'll deal with it. You know the saying `love is blind'? It's true it is because I love you no matter what you decide you want, and I want you and him to both be happy. Life is strange sweetie, you just have to roll with it. So don't worry about it. And who knows, I hope you get the chance to be with him..maybe he'll teach you a lesson or 2." He winked at me, kissed me and then got up to walk out of the bedroom but before walking out the door he turned and looked into my eyes again and said, "Remember, I love you no matter what." And then walked out went down stairs and I assume out the door to work. It was at that point that I realized what had to be done. I myself had to go to work, but before doing so I had to go and talk to Josh. I walked down the hall and back to his room and as I was about to go into his room I stopped at the door frame to watch the most beautiful creature standing --well leaning on one crutch trying to put on a pair of shorts. I could see him having a little bit of trouble with having to lean on the crutch, until finally he cursed out, "FUCK, I can't believe I was such a moron," and then threw the crutch on the floor almost falling over with it but finally getting his shorts on, and continued to say, "why I listen to other people I will never know, I knew I couldn't separate the two of them. How could I? I would feel miserable the rest of my life that I ruined someone else's life." As I saw that he was starting to turn back around to go back to his arm chair, I quickly backed up out of sight, having all of my own plans just thrown out the window, except for one that I think-hope is going to make everyone happy. After waiting a few minutes , I walked back up to his door and knocked on it. He looked up and said, "Hey Dad, thought you went to work?" And I looked back and said, "Haha, do you think I'd leave without saying good bye? I walked Mark out and then cleaned up the kitchen and I'm going to head out in a few minutes." He nodded and said, "How are things? I'm sure that I caused a huge problem between the two of you because of my selfishness and I'm sorry.." Before he even finished the sentence I walked over to him covered is mouth and said, "Things between us are fine. You caused nothing other than pain to yourself. I always knew you were gluten for trouble, it just took you 18 years to get into it. Listen to me, that kiss we had was one of the most passionate, incredible kisses I've ever had in my life. And a kiss that I've wanted to have for many years. And I'm sure that you figured out my feelings for you long before I ever said anything to you. You and I both know that your health and abilities are improving, slowly, but they are improving. And there is going to come a time that you will no longer be confined to walking aids and pain killers and everything else and you will be on your own again and can do anything that you want. In the mean time you're stuck here with us. That said, you have the option of making the arrangements anyway YOU want them. Everything is in your hands." I then walked over to the chair bent over to kiss him on the head, but he again pulled me down so that we were eye level with each other. I looked into his eyes and saw something that was an unmistakable, lust and desire. And at that moment he pulled me in again and kissed me deeply and more passionately than the first time. Finally the kiss broke and he looked at me and said, "Dad, I already know how I want things. I want us to make love to each other. I want it to be the most passionate, loving, powerful time of our lives. And then everything goes back to the way that it was. That's all I ask, one time with you, and then everything goes back to what it was before my stupidity. We both know where our hearts will always be, there is no question in my mind about that. I know it and so do you, and truthfully so does Mark. And he is the most wonderful man for understanding that, and he is someone that you never let go. Never let slip away, he is a God-sent man and we will both keep him and treat him the way that is right. And like you said in time I'll be out of here and able to function on my own again, and that will be that." I just stared at him not knowing what to say other than, "Deal." We stared into each other's eyes for a long time, I suppose both trying to process what had just been decided. It was exactly what I wanted and on the same token not what I wanted. Yes, I wanted to make mad passionate love to the man sitting in front of me. He was the person that I love, the one that my heart does belong to, and I want him for good. But on the same token, I have another man that loves me just as much if not more. Someone who has stood by me through hell and beyond and I even have the audacity to want to say good bye to him? Yes I had it, but I wouldn't do it. My son was right, we have the right to one shot at it, make it the best possible and then go back to the way things should be. And I have every intention of doing so, except for one thing. I thing I've learned over the years, that life is not so simple. As I was running this all through my head I was suddenly shaken out of my revere, blinked my eyes a few times and then heard, "Dad, you ok?" I just looked at him and said, "Yes perfectly fine. But I do have one question for you, and I don't care what the answer is either way, but it is something that has been running through my mind lately." He looked at me strangely and said, "Of course, anything." I looked deep into his eyes again, took a deep breath and said, "It's been a long time since this happened, and you have conquered and beat everyone's expectations as to whether or not you would survive your injuries and furthermore be able to function normally. And the way you are working at it, as much as all of the specialists that we've brought in say that you aren't going to be able to move past this point, somehow I doubt their predictions and diagnosis's are correct. I think that you will make a full recovery in due time. But what I want to know is what REALLY happened. Remember something, we've had a connection between each other for close to 19 years, we let each other see into the other's souls , understand each other like no one else can. We both understand the love that is there. And please understand that I won't be mad, at all or think any different of you, but as your parent, your friend and someone who loves you more than my own life itself, I think I deserve to know the real truth, don't you?" I saw tears start to roll down his face, as he lowered his head so as not to look at me, and in a barely audible whisper, "So you know there was no fight club. But there was a fight, one that I provoked, one that I did want to lose. And I thought I would, I figured that would end it all, somehow I would manage to not survive it and that would just be it. You would never have to deal with me again, but once again, I was almost at that point, then chickened out and called you. I know you're going to ask why. Well the best reason I can give you is this. I have been fighting feelings for you for as long as I can remember, even when I was little I always felt something different. And as I grew up and learned about `things' I immediately understood what those feelings meant. And I knew they were wrong, very wrong. I did everything I could to fight them and forget them, I managed to go to therapy to try and fix me, but no matter what I did, my feelings never changed, just got stronger. But I was chicken and couldn't tell you, and I was afraid of what you might think of me -- and yes even knowing that you were gay too, it made no difference. I tried everything, going out with girls, a total joke, going out with other guys, I was always dumped in days because it was obvious my head was in another place. I even called one of them your name. It was always a disaster. And then finally you met Mark, and I was elated and destroyed at the same time. I was so happy that you met him, I could see the amount of joy and love that the two of you have with each other, it's incredible. And I realized that I now had no possibility of having you-and no right to for that matter. And I finally gave up. Or I thought I had, but when I moved up to Stanford, every bit of work that I had done to finally steady myself to move on, and figured it would be even easier up there, it all fell apart, and I was right back where I was before I had tried anything. And I figured just end it all and never deal with it again. But I was too chicken to do it myself so I went provoked someone and prayed that it would all just be over. But I failed, now look what I caused. And I'm so, so sorry. Sorry that I was such a fool, and stupid and put you through everything. It was selfish and mean and just plain wrong and I'm sorry." At that point he was sobbing and really so was I. I realized that I was no better, I missed every sign of someone in a major state of depression and pain, that I could have possibly helped and prevented this and I didn't. What kind of father am I? I picked up his chin and said, "Listen to me, I understand now, and I'm sorry myself. I'm sorry that I was blind and didn't see any of this earlier. I saw none of it, had I, I probably would have been able to and prevent this. But in thinking about it, the joke is I was hiding the same exact feelings. Two of the same poles pushing against each other, yet never being able to touch. Josh listen, I haven't the slightest clue what the future holds for us, I'm going to go along the lines of `whatever is meant to be will be'. We made a deal on what's going to happen in the present when you are ready. And then we'll go forward after that. After that point I think that we should just let nature take its course. What do you think?" It was at that point that I got to see something that had I had not seen in so many months, one of his million dollar smiles. He looked back into my eyes and said, "I think it sounds perfect, just like you. I love you Dad, and thank you." I looked back at him smiled and said, "I love you too." As I leaned in to give him a hug and a fatherly kiss on the cheek, I didn't even get the opportunity to pull back. His hands went to my face and pulled it on to his, our mouths opened our tongues began a wrestling match with each other sucking and licking and exploring each others mouth. His Hands and arms went from the sides of my face to around my back pulling me in closer and tighter. I was a feeling of closeness that I had always wanted to feel with him, the heat coming off of his body emanating from his body through our clothes straight through to my skin and really to my heart. Our mouths became more forceful and even more passionate than I think I had ever been kissed in my life, not even with Mark had I ever felt such a sense to passion and strength. It was at that point that I felt his left hand move down my back until it reached my belt. We both froze, our moths still connected, our eyes deep into the others, we were a t a point of no return. We both knew that the next move would change our relationship forever. At this point my heart was racing my head was spinning, I had no idea what was going to happen, I knew what I wanted to have happen, I knew what he wanted to happen, but even so, even with everything we had just talked about, this would change everything. I suddenly felt his hand lift off of me, and my heart sank, he was probably going to back out, but before being able to finish that thought, I felt it again, this time on the right cheek of my ass, just a gentle touch, and then a squeeze. It was there, at that point that life veered off its current course. Our lips separated, and I slowly pulled back away our eyes still locked into each other, and what I saw in front of me was a beautiful man who face and smile lit up the room, and in a whisper said, "Make love to me Dad." A statement that I had wanted and longed to hear for so many years, a lust and desire that was finally going to be fulfilled. At that point I didn't give a fuck about anything else, I was going to make love to my son, the man that my heart belonged to and who's belonged to me. I was going to make this the most passionate, most incredible experience for both of us, hell I didn't have to make it, no matter what it was, it would be perfect, just because it was Josh. I slowly nodded my head and slipped off of him, stood up and took both of his hands in mine pulled him up from the chair until we were standing eye to eye brought his hands up to my mouth kissed both of them, then put them down to his side wrapped my arms around him pulled him against me and gently licked the ridge of his ear and whispered, "I will my beautiful boy , I will."