Date: Tue, 4 Aug 2009 15:38:42 -0400 From: Awriter Awriter Subject: Love Me For Me 2 "Love Me for Me" Comments welcome at: awriter1228@gmail.com I sat there holding him in my arms, listening to him cry, something I had not seen him do since the day that he came back from the hospital after Jeffrey had been born, and I now sat and wondered, what the hell do I do now? I was so in love with the man in my arms, wanted him to be mine, wanted to tell him all about me and everything that has happened over the past few years, and finally come out to him. Except the fact of the matter is he is antigay, and I could only imagine what he would think or do if he found out that the only son he had was gay..haha and in love with him too. But now was not the time to deal with that, I had too many other things to do right now, I had to get him to bed, take care of the funeral arrangements, call all of the family, what a mess. Although again at the same time, one thing that was also bothering me very much was the fact that I really was not that all broken up or upset over what happened. The loss of a mother and a brother should be so traumatizing and haunting that I should be just like my father holding my head in tears, but the actual sick thing that ran through my head was, wow now maybe he'll pay attention to me again. I hugged him closer to me again and just gently kissed him on the top of the head and said "dad it will all be OK, I'll take care of everything, call who needs to be called, and I'll let you know if I need any help. Now it's time you go to bed." He just nodded and we stood up together with his arm around my shoulder and slowly walked to his bedroom, where I layed him down on the bed and covered him up with the blanket, told him to try and get some sleep and if he needed anything to just call. As turned away from the bed to walk out of his room he called to me and said, "Joseph, I know you may not believe it, but your mother loved you very much and so do I." I was a little taken back by that statement, since quite frankly based on the actions of all of them over the past 4 years their love for me was not apparent, but all I responded was "I know." And I walked out of the room. When I got downstairs to start going through stuff and figuring out what to do next. I started to think again about what he said `your mother loved you very much and so do I'. I wanted to believe him so badly – I really did but my thoughts and memories of the past years just are too strong to equate that. And yet again, I still can't and won't be mad at him, wont hate him – still love him dearly and would be with him in a heartbeat if ever given the chance. The following morning, I unfortunately had to be the bearer of bad news to the family, and find the one family member that was able to contain themselves to help me get stuff done since dad was really useless at this point. Finally I got my Aunt to help me out with all the arrangements and we then went to Identify the bodies. It really was such a horrific sight – even I just wanted to throw up. I had my Aunt sign the papers call the funeral director and do the rest because I myself couldn't do it anymore. I went home to go and check on my father to see what state he was in. I found him still in bed, almost in the same position as I left him last night, but awake staring at the ceiling. I guess he heard me come in and with his blood shot eyes looked at me and said, "It's real, huh they're both gone," and I just nodded yes. "I just can't believe it, everything I had is now just nothing but a memory." And then I thought back to last night and what he said before I left the room, they both loved me, and now the following morning he says he lost everything, but his first born son is standing alive in front of him. I didn't know whether to be jealous angry or upset, but I chose none of those emotions just the one of he can't think straight right now, leave it alone. But even my patience with this was now beginning to ware down. I was getting tired of being told that I meant nothing, but still again I won't hold it against him. All that aside, I decided it was now time to just tell him what the deal was going to be with funeral and burial, and also asked him a more difficult question. Who was going to give the eulogy. Because if I had to give it, it was going to be bullshit, I hold no grudges against people, but on the same token I will not stand up in front of a room of people and blatantly lie about who they were and what they meant – because, well, I just could not do that. But I did not have to make that decision. He just said `your aunt will do it.' I told him to rest, and then I just got up to leave and told him to call if he needed anything. Again thinking this was a joke the man doesn't know what he wants or feels at this point, just ignore it all. For the next few days before the funeral, I went about my own things and he just moped around the house in circles, I tried telling him all would be ok, but like most other things that I said none of It really registered. Finally the funeral came around, and it was very sad, I did cry, they were both too young to die, too too young. My aunt got up and gave a lovely eulogy, very heart-felt and true, and then as if it was just the blink of an eye the two were buried next to each other and it was all over. We drove back to the house in silence, me because I had no idea what to say at this point and him because he was still in a trance and lost. When we got home and walked into the house and I closed the door behind me we just looked at each other in a way I don't think we ever had before. I got a tingling in my stomach, and wondered wow, maybe things really would be different now and head down a road that would be good and make us both happy. But a moment later he turned and said, "I'm going back to bed" and walked upstairs to his room and shut the door. Yes it was wishful thinking. Just from that action I knew that nothing was going to change. He was going to now go on living as if no one else existed and I was just going to go on with my life and the way I had planned. Over the next few months, that is exactly what happened. He and I really spoke very little to each other, just a platonic good morning /good night a little small talk here and there but that was it. He became a hermit-got up went to work, came home, ate and went back to his room. And I too got into my routine I got up went to school, did my thing came home, every once in a while I would go out with some friends, but even then I wasn't that interested at all. School ended for the year, and the summer came around, I was buy getting all of my applications in for college – as I had said earlier my original plan was to stay close, and then I changed my mind and wanted to go far away and I decided to stick with the latter. I had my schools picked out and finally sat dad down for a little while to tell him which ones I was applying to, and he looked over them, was more or less indifferent about all of it, and then just finished off by telling me that if I needed him to cosign on any loans that he would. The funny thing is, if he actually was paying attention to anything that I said that would have never been a question because I had already set that up myself, know that I was not going to ask him for any help. It was now the end of May, I was graduating high school in June and my birthday was in 2 days, and I started to wonder if he would even remember it. I mean in the past 6 months, our longest conversation had been about 10 minutes. It was very upsetting to me and at the same time really funny, because as much as I loved him, and wanted him there was nothing I could do to make him want me. Then again he didn't even know that I was gay, let alone wanting him. But that day I decided that I was going to tell him everything, and that was going to be my birthday present to myself. I was going to come clean about it all and he could take it and do whatever he wanted with it. Deny it, ignore it, hate it, hate me, or god knows what else. But I was becoming a legal adult and it was time that I did it. Interestingly enough, he did remember my birthday, and came up to me that morning as I was pouring myself a cup of coffee and simply said "Happy birthday Joey" hugged me and then went and sat down at the kitchen table. I turned to him and said, thanks. And then again surprisingly enough he was interested in what it was that I was going to do for my birthday, and I thought to myself do what I do every other day, have coffee, go for a run, shower, change and do whatever else I had to for the day. So I just said to him "Nothing special, just going out for a run, and then maybe head over to the beach for a little while, it's beautiful out." And he just looked at me and said "Oh, ok". Now that sounded like an opportunity to say something if there ever was so I jumped on it and said "you are more than welcome to join me on the beach, would be nice to spend some time with you." But to no surprise, he declined and just said have a great time. I didn't really know whether to be happy with that response or not, it's more of a conversation than we've had in a long time. But I didn't think too long on it, it is what it is. As he got up to leave the kitchen, I quickly decided that I was going to give myself my present now. And I went ahead and said, "Dad, I have something that I need to tell you." He turned and looked at me and said `What?' I paused, almost backing out of going through with it but said fuck it and said "Look, I don't really know what happened between us after Jeff was born, it seems like you just stopped caring about me. You really know nothing about me. You don't know what I've done, been involved with, nothing. But I guess that `s what you wanted – and I'm OK with that. But that said, I have to tell you something about me that is extremely important to me and for you to know – regardless of how you feel about me." Now I could see that I had his attention – his eyes, his face the movement of his head, he was now clued in, and he said "OK, go on." I took a deep breath, looked directly into his eyes and said "Dad, I'm gay and.."but before I ever got the chance to say the rest he cut me off and with fire in his eyes and said something that I will never forget" "Get the fuck out of my house. I don't want any fags living here with me. No wonder you were so close and `loving' with me, it wasn't for comfort, it was just a chance for you to touch me. You sick shit - Get out now!" And he stormed out of the kitchen and up the stairs into his room and slammed the door shut. Some birthday present, but then again I knew that saying that had the potential to do this – I was hoping I was wrong, but I wasn't. However, it was something I really needed to do, and I now knew how he really felt, and it was time for me to leave. I thought about trying to at least get him to let me stay for another month just till I graduated, but decided against it, when I heard his door open again, and him yelling down "I said GET THE FUCK OUT NOW, I DON'T WANT TO EVER SEE YOUR ASS HERE AGAIN" That said, I didn't know where I was going but I had no choice. So I went up stairs packed up what I needed, and got ready to walk out, but before walking out I took one last look around my room, and in the corner saw an old teddy bear in the corner, I walked over to it and picked it up it was falling apart. The arms were worn and the ear had a hole in it, but It also still had the card attached to it and it said `Joey –Happy Birthday to my number 1 son! Love Dad' I looked at the card it was for my 4th birthday, we were all still a happy family, and it made me smile and a few tears dropped, but that was in the past. I hugged it tight and held it in my arms as I walked out of the room shutting the door behind me. It didn't matter to me how much he hated me or didn't want me, I still loved him. I walked up to the closed door of my father's bedroom questioned knocking, but decided against it. I just sat down on the steps, pulled out a piece of paper. And just wrote a small note on it that said "Dear dad, I don't care how much you hate me, or what you think I am, I will always love you no matter what, nothing in the world could ever change that. Bye daddy. Love, Joey" I folded up the piece of paper and slid it under his door . Whether he would read it or throw it away I didn't know, but I left it there anyway. I walked down the steps to the front door, took one last look around the house and walked out, where I was headed, I did not have a clue.