Date: Thu, 6 Aug 2009 11:23:45 -0400 From: Awriter Awriter Subject: Love Me For Me 3 "Love Me for Me" Comments welcome at: awriter1228@gmail.com Being thrown out of your house on your 18th birthday isn't exactly what you expect to get as a present, however just the same, knowing that you are hated by your own father isn't exactly the most wonderful feeling either. As I slowly walked down the front path of my house, I reached the sidewalk, and I once again turned to look at the house where I had spent the last 18 years, I looked up at the window to my old room and thought about that time that I sat and played on my floor at 8 years old with my parents loving and smiling at me, and for a moment nothing else mattered it was a happy time, even with what happened over the following 10 years -- even with what happened 30 minutes ago, that time of happiness is the one that I will always remember. Knowing that this was probably the last time I was ever going to see this house, I took a deep breath and started walking down the street into the next chapter of my life. I started to consider where I could go, just to stay for 3 weeks until I could finish high school, and at least have that degree -- college, I was up for a scholarship however, I now realized that I would probably never see that happen since I'd have to be back at home-no at that house to receive the notification that I actually got it. Then again I could always just go to the campus to find out and just say I never got it in the mail. But the joke to that is, even if I did get the scholarship -- that would mean figuring out how to make it 380 miles without much money. In any event, the first order of business was to find a place to stay for 3 weeks graduate high school. I considered going to my aunt, who did not live that far away, maybe 3 or so hours on foot but for what reason, it didn't seem worth it to me. I decided that I would attempt to stay with Mark for a week and walked the 20 minutes over to his house. On my way there I was trying to figure out how to explain to him and really his parents why I needed a place to stay- and decided that I might as well tell the truth, they would either let me stay or say no. So with that I went over to Mark's and before asking anything I pulled him aside and told him exactly what happened and he looked at me and gave me a big hug and said he would ask his parents, and they so gracefully agreed, and let me stay with them for the duration of the school year -- which is actually much more than I had asked for. For 3 weeks I went to sleep each night clutching that teddy bear as tightly as I could against my chest wishing it were my father, but each time when I realized that it wasn't him, I loosened my grip-never let go but just not as tightly. It was really just like my feelings-I loved him so much, and wanted him so badly -- no matter how he felt, or what he did, my feelings for him-would never change. On June 25th, at the beginning of the commencement ceremony, I sat next to my classmates, all of which I knew had their family there supporting and cheering for them, and me just having a glimmer of hope that maybe even with all his hatred, he might show up. But, as we all stood throwing our caps in the air, and each going to collect our diplomas, I turned to look in the audience and saw him nowhere. But I made my decision, I was no longer going to hang around here, it really was time for me to leave and move on to discover myself for real. After it was all over, I went back to Mark's house to collect my things, and profusely thanked him and his family for their incredible generosity over the past 3 weeks and that I would be forever grateful to them. As I was leaving, Mark ran up to me, and took my hand and led me over to the side of his house and gently kissed me on the lips. He looked into my eyes, and said, "Joe, I know what you told me about you and your dad and what happened, but I also know you long enough to see through you and what the real issue is - true feelings towards him -- they are not wrong , you love him and love is love no matter what. I know I can't change your mind about leaving now, but I want you to know that there are other people who love you, and care about you more so than you could ever imagine." I looked at him with tears in my own eyes and just replied back "I know mark and it means so much to me, but as you say you know me long enough that my heart belongs to one man and no one else." He just nodded and said "I know Joey, I know. Just make me the promise that you will keep in touch every so often and let me know that you are OK" I smiled, and nodded and gave him one last hug and said thank you, and walked down his driveway into the street, paused one last time waved goodbye and started walking and again knowing that I would never see him again either. I slowly walked down Geary Boulevard crossing through Golden Gate Park, I turned and saw an old park bench that I hadn't seen in over 10 years. Even though I was really young, I can still remember dad holding my hand as we walked through the park watching the fog roll in, playing hide -- and --go --seek , and no matter where I hid, he was always there to surprise me. And there it goes again, it's things like that, that I hold in my heart and I have to keep saying that no matter what he says, no matter what he does I still love him, still want him --even if he didn't love me. But, at the same time I realized that I really did not belong here anymore, I had to move forward, get on with life. I was now a high school graduate, I even have a free ride to college, all I have to do is make it the 380 miles south to Los Angeles with what I have with me -- a duffel bag with some clothes, pair of sneakers, a jacket and a teddy bear, I wasn't really sure how I was going to make it there, but I had no choice it was time to go. So I turned back to the road and continued walking on it until I finally reached the end of it, crossed over the edge into the marsh land and then over the rocks until I was stepping on the rocky beach. I put all my stuff down behind one of the big rocks, took off my socks and shoes and walked over the rocks and into the water just up to my ankles and stared out into the ocean watching the waves rise and lower over and over again -- it was like looking at life the ups and downs of happiness and sadness, and by the time the waves hit my feet they were flat --almost as if it was the area of unknown. I turned around walked back to the rock dried my feet put my socks and shoes back on, walked back up to the road and headed south to LA. It is interesting to think how many times I had actually done this by car -- just used to leave the house and drive around contemplating my thoughts and the events of the day, and over and over the one thought that ran through my head was, how I do I get dad to love me, how do I make him understand me for me. And each time I pulled back into the driveway I never had answers to those questions. And then 3 weeks ago I came up with the solution and followed through on it. And while it was not completely successful he did now know a major part of who I was. Of course, there was much, much more to it that I never did get to say, but it would not have mattered. All he heard was "Dad I'm gay". But all that said, I was still determined at some point to have him know the rest. As I was walking and thinking I suddenly realized that it was getting dark out, and I had yet to find a place to sleep for the night. But given the fact that I had chosen to follow a road that just went along the water and not one with actual street signs or even lamps, I was in a sense in the middle-well the end of nowhere. I looked around for a while and figured well the easiest way to figure out a direction would be to walk back down to the water since at some point I'll hit the zoo. So I walked back down to the beach which to my luck had cleared up and was no longer rock but beautiful white sand, I walked down the beach with the guide of the moon light until I finally did see the lights of the zoo and walked further up the beach right to the edge to and found a little spot covered by some trees and just dropped my stuff and crashed there for the night. The following morning, well was probably just a few hours later than I had fallen asleep, I woke up and realized that I did not remember anything of my dreams -- which is highly unusual for me since 90% of the time I do remember what I dreamed about the previous night. I went to look at my wrist to see what time it was, but discovered that there was no watch -- again extremely odd since that was something I never took off. Not for a 11 years, never took it off once , it was a little Mickey Mouse watch that he had given me for my 7th birthday and I had always worn it -- didn't take it off at night, not in the shower, never. And each time the band started to get too tight I took it to the watch store to get a bigger band. But then I realized what I had done with it, before I left the house I took it off my wrist and wrapped it around the paper that I had slipped under dad's door, just to hold the paper down there in case he crumbled up the paper and threw it away -- at least maybe that watch would remind him of all the `time' we had spent together. And maybe, just maybe he'd come looking for me. But, it was time to get moving again, I picked everything up and walked back up the beach and onto the street and started walking south again. I had decided that I was going to walk for as much of the journey as I possibly could without having to hitch-hike my way down there. I figured that if I could walk 10 to 15 miles a day with only stopping one or two times to get something really quick to eat I should be able to make it down there in about a month. But even I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do that. At some point I was going to have to hitch a ride -- or at least go as far as I could on some sort of transport on the money that I had, and then figure out what to do when I got to that point. Each day that passed I kept walking, and walking and thinking (which really is a dangerous thing for me to do). I contemplated over and over whether or not I had made the right decision about telling him, and almost a month after I had made that statement to him. And each time I always come to the conclusion that even with all of its repercussions, it was the right thing to do. And again I keep saying to myself, how much I didn't care about the fact that he hated gay's and hated me, I still believed that even under all that hatred and close minded thought, that he did still love me in some shape or form. And even if I was completely wrong and he really did hate me to the core, it still did not matter to me. I loved him so much, and wanted him so badly nothing was ever going to change that. Before I actually realized it, it was July 3rd, I had been walking already for a week. It was definitely time to finally break down and find a cheap motel somewhere along the road and just get a shower and sleep in a real bed for a night. I worked my way back to what I figured was Highway 35 (well it was since that's the only road that goes down the coast up here) and finally came across a truck stop. It was grotesque to say the least, but I didn't care I reeked more than the diesel fuel did. I went in the front door of the place, and the guy sitting behind the counter was man that had to be at least 300 pounds with a grey beard, thick enough that you could barely make out where his mouth was. And all he said was "5 for the shitter and 15 for the fucker" Which at first didn't click, but then I realized I wasn't exactly where I wanted to be. Unfortunately, it was either walk another 15 miles tonight and crash somewhere along the road, or take my chances in here. I went with take my chances here. I shoved over the 20, and was directed up to the stairs to the left to find tiny room with no door and a mattress on the floor. It was gross, but at that point I didn't care, I was so tired and so worn, even running track for 4 years - 10 days of walking from what I could calculate was roughly 90 miles takes its toll on you no matter what. I just dropped my stuff and I finally just passed out.