Date: Tue, 12 Jul 2011 17:30:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: Gene Hemings <lv2sc@yahoo.com>
Subject: To Be Gay Or Not

  Being born in 1943 things were different back then. Yet I was always
thinking about a dick. As far as I can remember and I seem to remember well
some of the things I witnessed as a young boy, Still I never remember
seeing my parents having sex.  I must have seen something that educated me
to sex somehow.
  Still I wanted to see my younger brothers cock and balls through the leg
of his shorts as we played outside in the summer months. It just looked
good and got my attention.  Being 5 and 6 years old we see things we don't
understand and curiosity takes over.
  As we both have cut cocks I liked that look still to this day, yet have
no idea why. I liked looking and feeling my own too! Why, I had no idea. My
answer, It's mine and I can play with it if I want to!
  My parents being "renters" seemed to move to another home about every two
years or less. Why I never understood this constant moving way of life
either, as I was always making new friends at another new school each
time. This though did give me more dicks to look at as I grew up.
  I believe your born gay and have no other choice in the matter. Why else
would we try to be straight yet can not get those thoughts out of our
minds.  Dreaming about cocks, and other sexual activities in our sleep!
Wanting to suck a dick but not having the balls to try it when we are
awake.
  I believe there are millions of guys that call themselves straight, that
if given the right opportunity, in the right circumstances, would love to
try sucking a dick! I believe there are millions that were straight that
have had that opportunity, that actually did suck a dick! And half of them
will never admit it was better than they could have imagined yet still deny
themselves of another suck, simply because of the scare of being found out.
  In our sleep we can be what we want to be when we're awake. That is why
our dreams are so vivid and take us to that blissful feeling.
  But we learn quickly not to act or be gay in the presence of others. I
dreamed of boys and their dicks from the age of ten and still to this
day. Mostly my dreams are of young boys about 14 to 18. I guess it is the
time of my life that I enjoyed the most.
  High school and boys locker rooms were a great scene and smell. To this
day I love to smell those locker room smells. Still, today, I am not trying
to meet young boys like I just mentioned. It is just how I dream when I
have those gay dreams. I guess I'm still young at heart.
  At about six I started looking and touching my brothers dick to see if it
looked exactly like my own and for the feel of it. I also looked at his
butt hole as well. Why? I just liked looking and learning about things when
I could.
  I never went further with my brother as I at that time was not really
sexually active. Just more inquisitive really.
  After a few sessions with my brother my two cousins same age as us, came
over to visit us at our house. I was 6 almost 7 my brother 5 years old. The
older cousin was a girl my brothers age. I suggested playing doctor in our
bedroom. They were just as interested in this as I was. Imagine my surprise
when the girl took off her panties and I saw my first pussy! She did not
have a cock! WOW! That was very interesting as a young boy. We all looked
closely at each others genitals with touching and smelling. This was the
only time we ever did this, but I was somehow hoping for a repeat someday.
  I tried to put my finger in the girls pussy but it seemed too dry for
penetration. I tried prying it open with fingers of both hands to see where
her pee pee was, I just knew she had one, but I did not see one so stopped
trying to put my finger in her pussy. I knew she had to pee through that
hole but just could not see where the pee came from other than it must have
come through that huge slit. I thought she had a dick up inside that cavity
and naturally I wanted to see it. How nieve we are as kids! Still I learned
for the first time, to this point of my life a girl must be different from
us boys. I made it a point to find out more in the future.
  So with these things learned, and another opportunity, only a few days
later.  I set out to confirm for sure, that girls are different by checking
out another girl.
  I got my next door neighbor girl, my same age and class at school, to let
me play doctor with her. That was my ruse as we all had been to many doctor
visits and you always had to take off all your clothes for the doctor,
which now it was I!
  But this time was somewhat different. We were on my front porch of one of
those real old Frank Lloyd Wright homes. The kind with a wall on the lower
part. It had a 3 ft. in closed wall all around the bottom of the porch. We
were short in height anyway so the wall gave us plenty of privacy. Somehow
we or maybe I knew we were doing something wrong too!
  This gave us privacy to the street and neighbors, but my mother could
have looked out the windows and seen us but I could hear she was in the
back of the house.
  Still we were now both naked.  And I now knew girls are for sure
different, as her pussy looked exactly like my cousins. And only boys have
dicks!
  She was somewhat interested in seeing or feeling my cock and she did
touch it a few times. She was OK with all I was suggesting we do.
  I thought and said to her, hey, lets try to put my dick in her pussy. She
was in for this to as she did all she could do to help me get it in. That
to me, shows even girls think about sex like boys or she would have said no
and ran away from me.
  I did not in any way use force or words to keep her there, which tells me
today she was into this as was I!  This told me she was as interested in
what we were doing as I was. She did seem to like my ideas to what I kept
suggesting we try or do next.
  As I tried to put my soft dick in her dry pussy I was forced to realize
this is not what boys do with girls. It just would not penetrate inside
her. I was pissed off, at myself but why I didn't know. I just wanted my
dick in her pussy!  I did not really understand these things of the why it
would not work. But I knew I had to wait and learn.  As there had to be an
answer to why my dick would not go in!
  Imagine how far from wrong I was thinking then, that it was not supposed
to go in her pussy! But why, I kept thinking about it over and over. I
thought maybe I can tie a stick on it so it will be stiff enough to go up
inside her pussy. What a stupid thought, don't you think? But that is how a
youngster will think.
   I had no idea our dicks got hard when it was time for sex with a girl!
Of course I knew nothing at all about sex. All of this had just been a
learning experience for my own education. It was not about anything else at
that time of my life. Why, who knows?
  It was two years later, at 8 years old, I found out that that is sex and
I was closer to learning how I was right after all.
  This girl went home, to I'm sure, proudly telling her mother about what
we had been doing. Her mother wasted no time coming over to my house to
tell my mother what I had done with her "daughter"!  I was still on the
porch thinking about what had just transpired, and now hearing her mother
reem me and my mother out!
  That woman was really pissed off, yet my mother never mentioned anything
to me about this subject after the lady had gone back home. Later I
wondered why my mom did not tell me boys six years old do not do things
like that with girls.
  Now once again, at eight years old we had moved away to another house
where two neighbor brothers started talking about guys fucking girls.
  Stupid me, I must have looked like I had no idea what they were saying,
which I did not know or understand what was being said.
  They both laughed and said you really do not know about sex do you? I
admitted I did not, even then I was not thinking about the front porch
girl. Again, why?
  So the brothers proceeded to explain the birds and the bee's to me and
explaining that boys dicks do get hard to have sex. For some strange reason
unknown to me, as they kept telling me these things, my dick now started to
get hard in my pants for the first time in my life!
  It was then I knew, yes a boys dick does get hard and it does go in a
girls pussy for sure.  Proving I was on the right track two years before. I
did not tell the brothers about my porch session with the girl. For some
reason I was afraid or ashamed to bring it up.
  As a growing boy you see, that at your school in the 50s, the boys
bathrooms had urinals that went to the floor. This gave me many
opportunities to see my classmates dicks as we took our piss. I was amazed
when I saw my first uncut cock. I had no idea a dick was in a shroud of
skin! With learning that, I was constantly trying to see more cocks to
learn the amazing differences boys dicks can be. The colors, the size the
width and thickness, cut or uncut, short or longer, it just seemed to make
me more interested and longing to see the next one.
  Of course too at this time, I started to see how some boys seemed really
attractive to me. Those boys I especially wanted to see their cocks. It was
not cool to like girls at that age anyway.
  As I kept looking I finally got caught looking at my classmates dicks, I
was reprimanded by them as being a queer.  That was the term for gays at
that time, for staring at dicks. Which this started my lessons on gays or
queers and being heterosexual verses homosexual.
  I also started to think about putting a boys dick in my mouth. I really
did not know this was called a blow job either. But I soon learned it was
called a blow job!
  Sure by this time I was told that queers as they were called back then,
in the 1950s and into the sixty's, did like to suck cock! During this time
it was made obvious it was not morally acceptable to be gay or queer.
Queers or homosexual kids learn quickly it is not cool to be homosexual or
you could get your ass beat by the homo phobic bully.
  As you hear this about queers more and more you get paranoid about
yourself and wonder why you like boys more instead of girls more. This
makes you go into the closet and keep your mouth shut about anything to do
with cocks and talking about cocks.
  At this time your still not sure your different than the other boys, just
that it seems weird to you that you see boys as being handsome and
beautiful, over girls.
  I once stated I thought that a certain boy was handsome, and the guy with
me said are you queer to say such a thing? You must be gay! It took a lot
of conversation to get him to believe I was not queer or gay.
   You ask yourself more and more, why am I liking boys more than girls, so
you tell yourself to look at girls and see the beauty in them and why you
need to be heterosexual.
  Mind you I did like looking at the girls I thought were beautiful. I also
started to think I would love to fuck a girl and eat her pussy. Still I was
not aware, nor had I learned that some people are Bi sexual. I really was
at that time bi sexual. I liked both until I was about 50 years old, still
I had not sucked a dick yet.  And now only a dick will satisfy my sex
urges. I'm still married over forty years, but there is no sex between us
any more. Her pussy just does not excite me enough to keep it hard. Only a
cock will get me hard!
  When I was ten years old my parents moved again, to another area. In the
fifth grade I was friends with a boy named Jim. We hung around together at
school but he lived to far from me to visit at his house, but he did come
to my place a few times because he and his brother were more adventuresome
and had no restrictions on where they could go.
  Again, a year later, my parents moved. But this time it was about a half
block from my friend Jim. This was the first time I really enjoyed and was
excited about moving! I was born in August and Jim was born in September
the same year.
  After this move was the time we became really close buddies and
friends. We shared every secret and whatever we could do together. It
seemed there were times we read each others mind!
  Still I was not attracted to him like I was the boys at our school that I
thought were beautiful and really good looking. He was good looking but he
did not cause me to look at him like the handsome boys at school.  Or did
he make me want to suck his dick like the good looking boys at school. I
dreamed of sucking the good looking boys dicks all the time, wishing I
could somehow seduce them.
  At twelve years old we always just whipped our dicks out to pee when we
were outside playing, and usually we were facing each other. Of course we
were not seen by people in the neighborhood, but still we did this whenever
nature called. I think we actually liked looking at the other boys cock as
we were peeing and also saying my dick is bigger than yours, which none
were bigger. Otherwise why else would we do it like that.
  About six of us boys, from our neighborhood decided we were going to jack
off together in these two weird brothers with super thick glasses that we
called them four eyes, and which they had a huge shed in their back yard
that we could use for jerking off. We did our best to avoid having to play
with them most of the time because of the way they talked and acted.
  I honestly had never done this jack off thing. Had no real inkling what
you really did when you jacked off, I only heard the term Jack Off. Had no
Idea what Jack Off meant! I was now going to learn another thing about life
and sex!
  My buddy said just watch us and you will learn. Still I was apprehensive
and scared to show my cock because I was afraid it was smaller than
theirs. I was always worried my dick was too small. As it turned out it was
like theirs and normal. I now know there are showers and growers, I'm a
grower!  Which is in fact a normal thing for many of us guys.
  My dick is small when soft and when it is cold it goes up inside my body
with only the head looking out! It scares the hell out of me when this
happens. I still wonder how this can happen to me, but it does! When I was
young it was only 6 inch's long when hard and I feel normal in thickness
about a silver dollar size or actually 5 inches in girth or one and a half
inch thick. Amazing how something so small can grow so large from that at
resting stage. Yes I know there are guys with dicks over two inchs wide and
eight to nine inch long. Those are not normal and I'm quite happy with what
I have!
  I learned there are cut and uncut cocks, huge cocks, fat cocks, skinny
cocks and small cocks.
  The six of us did this jerking off thing, about a half dozen times
together, before the brothers with the shed were too scared to accommodate
our actions. They were pansies most of the time. We kidded them that they
were scared of their own shadow!
  Yet this first time we all removed our pants and shorts and were kind of
lying in a circle so we could see each other as we jerked our cocks. It was
a turn on for me looking at each boys dick and the technique each used to
jerk off.
  The first time I did it it was such an awesome tingling feeling when I
came but no jizz came out. We laughed and talked about how good it felt and
like a little electric shock. My buddy had the same experience as I did,
just that tingly feeling. Still it was a few minutes before I learned
another thing about cumming!
  We all knew we had to do this often and wanted more of that tingly
feeling. My buddies older brother who instigated this jerk off session, did
cum and we were in awe of his white cum. He had told us the first time
nothing cums out usually, with only that tingly feeling. He claimed to be
producing cum for a couple of years now!
  And so it was like that for me and my buddy and the other boys for a
while. Experimenting with our sex drives.
  The brother boys stopped jerking off early and did not cum or want to
cum. They acted scared. I told you they were kind of weird guys anyway! The
sixth guy was my buddies young cousin that seemed to love hanging around
the older guys. He was about two or more years younger but he loved to get
naked with me and my buddy Jim. We included him in all our jerk sessions
whenever he was around. His cock was very bent and that was how I learned
of peyronies in dicks. Of course the cousin jacked with us every chance he
had to be with us but he never did cum. We accepted it as normal to jack
off together after this time in our lives.
  On our second session in the brothers shed a few days later I spurted a
huge load of white cum so far it went past my head as it squirted out for
my first cum. The boys saw it and joked and laughed about it as it looked
like I might get hit in the face with the jizz.  I don't remember ever
having my cum spurt so far after this time. It landed close to my chin a
few times but that was as far as it ever squirted! I hoped it would land in
my open mouth almost every time we jacked.
  My buddy and I jacked off at least twice a day together until we were 18
years old and he left for the Army, and even after his return. Either he or
I would start it by reaching over and grabbing each others dick through our
jeans. That started our cocks growing and it was not going to stop till we
jerked ourselves off to completion. Sometimes we jerked off three and four
times in a day. Never could we get to five and we talked about the fact
that it was going to happen, but it never did.
  My buddies dick looked exactly like my own soft or hard, cut cock which
now started to get me interested in sucking his dick. It would be like
sucking myself was my minds thoughts about his cock.
  But still I never said a word as he to was always talking about the
queers we knew at school. That scared me about admitting I was really gay,
to him. Those queer acting boys at school really did act different and had
voices like girls, so it was obvious they were gay and we were not going to
talk to them or associate in any way. Funny how our minds work about such
things.
  My buddy suggested we pitch a tent in his yard and sleep outside on one
hot July night.  We put blankets over his mothers cloths drying line
attached to the house and a pole out in the yard. It was cool doing this
for my first time doing an outside tent sleep over.
   As we lay talking we had often mentioned girls from school we would like
to fuck. At twelve and thirteen we dreamed of that but we knew it was never
going to happen. Just fodder for our conversations and jerk sessions.
  We were always jerking each others dick at any time we could get away
from other people, be it day or night. So this night was no different.
  It was probably 11 oclock at night as we lay naked jerking off in our
neat home made tent, we started talking about sex of all kinds. We were
both horny as all hell.
  He suggested we should try kissing each other to develop a good technique
when we did get ourselves a girl friend. I thought about this for a while
and then I agreed to his idea, as I wanted to see what it was like to kiss
a girl too! We did the regular kiss for a few seconds and then again over
and over till we both agreed we had our technique down pat. I enjoyed
kissing him too! It was turning me on! Then he suggested we try french
kissing. So we stuck our tongues in each others mouths for quite some time
until we felt we had this right also.
  Then he suggested we fuck each others butt. I was really into this
idea. We had no lube except spit but that did work for us. I went first by
spitting on my fingers and working it into his ass. It felt good as I
slowly put one finger in and then two fingers and then three fingers in his
pink rosebud asshole that looked very sexy.
  After lubing and stretching his butt out I lubed my cock and slowly
started to penetrate his asshole with the head of my cock as he lay on his
stomach. He was yelping it hurts, it hurts, but we agreed to keep going
till I had my dick all the way in his rosebud hole, still complaining it
felt like a turd was ready to be shit out!  After he got used to my dick in
his ass he said go for it. I pumped him slow, then faster and faster. The
feelings of my dick in his ass was awesome. Even better than a pussy.
  The excitement was tremendous as I pumped his ass for a couple of
minutes, and finally I pulled out and squirted cum all over his back and
butt. The feelings were fantastic. I knew I had to do this again in the
future. He and I did do it a few more times after this, but stopped because
my buddy did not like doing this any longer. I still like to get butt
fucked.
  Now it was his turn to fuck me. The feelings of his finger going in my
hole was great. It was better as he did two then three fingers and his
pumping my butt with his fingers. I could not wait for his dick to be in
me, as he put his dick head to my hole and he started pushing in. Slowly it
went in and finally he was in all the way. It felt just like he had said
about his butt getting fucked. Like I was needing to take a shit.
  When he was in all the way. We stayed still with him lying on my back and
kissing my neck as we rested. His kissing my neck seemed sexy to me. Slowly
the pain and full feeling in my ass subsided. As he then started slowly in
and out, the feelings were over the top for me. I knew then I wanted to be
the bottom for life. He pumped for a few minutes and said he was ready to
cum. I said go on and fill my butt with your cum, I want your baby! Not
really I was only joking.
  He almost lost it with laughing and trying to cum in my ass. The warm hot
feeling of his cum was awesome to me as well. It leaked out all over our
bottom blankets soaking them. But the feelings of fucking a butt or getting
your own butt fucked are some of the best feelings a guy can experience.
  This I was going to do again. We were spent by this time so we agreed it
was time to rest and get some sleep.
  The next day we agreed to camp out again the tonight and talking about
how good our sex was. We knew we were going to have to try all this sex
stuff all over again.
  As we again were in our tent talking about the previous nights action, he
said to me suck my dick! I said no you suck mine. Bantering back n forth
for quite some time about the other had to start the sucking. We really
were wanting to suck a dick I think. Both of us wanted a blow job but we
both were afraid the other guy was going to tell our friends that the other
guy was gay! We bantered back and forth about you go first no you go
first. We eventually said we would sixty nine and both of us would suck on
the count of three. We both waited for the other to start the suck on the 3
count. We must have done this ten times yet never put our lips or tongue on
the others dick.  Finally we agreed to just kiss each others dick head
which eventually we did. We kissed dick heads quite a few times after the
first time.
  Then we said we had to put the others dick in our mouths, which I did his
but he was a long time in doing mine but he did do it. I was scared I had
gone over the top to far and he was now going to out me. We never did more
than that few seconds, even though today I wish I had gone ahead and sucked
his dick. I think he would have done me but still not sure about him. No
one wants to be accused of being gay in public even to this day in 2011.
  I was afraid he would tell on me and he was afraid I would tell on
him. This was now my inauguration into dick sucking but not really a good
suck. As far as I know, neither of us talked about that night to
anyone. Remember we were friends a long long time. We both had
opportunities to out the other but I think we were both afraid of outing
ourselves if we said anything at all about those times in our lives. Even
when we were 18 we never mentioned those times in the tent to each other.
  We still talk now and then on the phone, but we never mention our teenage
years and our sex together. Perhaps if we meet someday we can finish that
suck session. We live about 1500 miles apart.
  I now believe we both were gay but would not admit it at that time to
each other!  We're both married with kids to cover what I feel we both are
gay in reality. What we did as kids was enough to prove to me we were gay!
I know I am!
  I knew I would have to suck a dick some day as his cock was so soft yet
hard and such a fantastic feeling and taste when I did put his dick in my
mouth for just that one or two seconds of time! Still it was not until I
was fifty three years old before I sucked my first dick! Hard to believe
but true. I'm now a confirmed dick sucker for life!
  So "DO YOU" wonder if you were like me and so scared of what society
would do or say if you were caught? Yet so many other guys were really into
dick sucking when they were young and they look and talk like every other
straight guy we know! How was it I was scared of being outed yet those guys
knew how to get other guys to do mutual suck sessions. I sure do wish at
16, I knew how they did it and how they were into dicks long before I got
my first suck! Or if I were alone with a guy, he could have asked me if I
wanted to get sucked, to which I would have said yes and then I would have
loved to suck him too!

   Comments yeah and neigh on my true story, email me @ lv2sc@yahoo.com