Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2024 18:17:21 -0600
From: Mitchel <awriter3827@gmail.com>
Subject: True Love Knows no Bounds -Part IV

True Love Knows no Bounds – Part IV

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The next time I opened my eyes was from a bump on the ground when I
realized I had slept the entire flight.  But the odd thing was I could not
remember one dream I had – that was a rarity for me.  Any time that I
did actually sleep at night which were few and far between, I always
remembered my dreams, this time I didn't.  It was clear that a change had
occurred in me.

As I walked through the airport almost in a daze realizing what had
happened over the past 4 hours, hell the past 6 months, I had told my
father I was in love with him, had it blow up in my face, lost that special
connection, changed my plans from going to school in New York to moving
3000 miles away to California, to coming to the realization that my dream
and desire was nothing more than a fantasy that would never ever come true.
It was with that realization that I collected my bags and went to find a
transport to get me over to the Stanford campus to actually restart my
life.  Maybe actually begin to enjoy things again.

Arriving on campus was really a surreal experience, because doing this and
coming to this point in my life was something that I had always dreamed of
doing with my father.  That he would be here with me, just like he always
had been with every new endeavor that I took.  But again I was slapped in
the face with the fact that that was no more.  It was now me and me alone.
It brought me to a line that my football coach told me in high school, when
I was starting to falter – "Joe I don't know what the hell is going on
with you but I'll give you one piece of advice.  You can look to as many
people as you want for advice or help, but the only one true person that
you can count on is yourself."  I never wanted to believe that.  But in
retrospect and looking at the current situation, I came to the realization
that he was absolutely correct.  I studied my ass off in school to get the
highest grades possible, studied my ass off for those stupid SAT's got my
1600, did all the applications, all on my own.  Yes, my father was there to
be a cheerleader so to speak but really it was me who did it all.  And me
who got myself here – there was nothing stopping that man from getting
on the plane and coming out here with me so I could celebrate and get ready
to start.  It was a very depressing and painful realization but I was on my
own.

As I made it to the RA's office got the keys to my dorm, I looked around to
see other classmates with their families bubbling with excitement and
talking, and it did bring a tears to my eyes, because even though I had
that realization.  I still loved that man so much and wished that he was
here with me now.  I wanted nothing more than to be sharing this experience
with him.  We had talked so many times about how much fun it was going to
be to explore a college campus together - regardless of which one.  And yet
now all of that was gone.  I finally had to slap my face a few times to
snap out of this poor me mode.

I walked into my dorm room dropped the suitcases down and just sat on the
bed looking around thinking about what my football coach had said.  So I
thought to myself fuck it, I will just count on myself, I will make
friends, I will make a life for myself outside of my father.  I have to.
And yet the other side of my brain keeps saying, if he even gave me one
inkling that that there might be a possibility for us, I would drop
everything in a heartbeat and run straight to him.  It was a sick thing but
at the same time it was fact.  I loved - no I do love him that much that I
would drop it all and go straight to him.  But then something else occurred
to me.  I didn't do something that I have always done – I didn't
immediately call him when I got off the plane or even when I got here.
There was never a time that I was going somewhere without him that I didn't
call to let him know I was OK.  That was a first.  With that thought – I
picked up my phone to look at it – there were no missed calls either.
He didn't do what he always did either if he didn't hear from me.  He
didn't call to check on me.  It was another clear sign that things had
truly changed between us.  However, out of courtesy and again my love for
him, I did call to let him know that I had arrived and was OK with all the
location details and address.  But it was such platonic call felt almost
robotic that it also made me realize that he wouldn't be coming out here as
much as he said he would.  My guess is that he wouldn't make it out here at
all.

Thankfully it was only a few days before the summer semester was to begin
and I wouldn't have that much time to drive myself insane over this I would
be able to concentrate on my studies and even consider trying out for a
sport or two.  I was finally going to attempt to reintegrate myself back
into the real world outside of my father.  A world that I have been
avoiding for years, but I guess at 18 years old, it was time to try and be
myself – whoever that is, it was time to find me.  I started decorating
and making the place mine, and as I was unpacking the boxes, and going
through everything and figuring out a place to put it all, I came across
that framed picture of Dad and I that I had on my desk at home with me
sitting on his lap and his arms wrapped tightly around me.  And of course,
that just set me off and I sat down on the bed and started to cry again,
but stopped myself and said `No, I'm not going to do this anymore.'  So I
put the picture down on the dresser and kept on unpacking and after 3 hours
it was all done, the place was set up, and of course I went to look at my
phone to see if anyone had called but nothing.  So, it was kind of another
sign to just move on already.

Finally classes started for the semester and I started to get myself into a
routine, to try and reacclimate myself with the world and started going to
the gym and trying to interact with classmates and people on my dorm floor,
and actually to my surprise things really started to change for me, it took
a lot of energy and work, but I was finally moving on with my life, getting
past my father and everything that went along with it.  I found a few
social groups, joined the football team, and realized that I really could
do this, I could become my own man, there was life outside my father.  As
difficult of a realization as that was, it was a necessary one.

As things progressed through the semester, I met a guy in one of the social
groups, who was really nice, and after a while became really good friends,
started hanging out together, had a lot of the same classes, and before I
realized it, I found myself attracted to him.  Not just as a good friend
but as someone that I could see myself dating.  I couldn't believe it,
after all this time, of swearing that I would never be with another man
other than my father.  I was allowing another man into my life other than
my father.  Of course the minute I had that realization, everything came
crashing back down on me, I realized that I rarely heard from my father.  I
can't say that it was never – he did call a few times to see how I was
doing.  But never once even brought up the idea of coming to visit me or
asking me if I wanted to come back home for a quick weekend.

Then looking at the calendar it was already late December, both of our
birthdays were coming up. (Dad always called me his early birthday present
since I was born 2 days before his birthday, and we always used to
celebrate it together, just the two of us, we'd go out to our favorite
restaurant, a couple of years we went on trips and just spent the time with
each other – those were the times I cherished and loved and still do to
this day.  But I guess it was obvious that none of that was going to happen
this year.  I had been toiling with ideas as to what to do over my winter
break since I had 4 weeks to kill in between semesters, and my almost
`boyfriend' was going back to his family in Florida and did not invite me
to come with him, I had to decide whether I wanted to go back home to face
my father or just stay out here.

However, my decision ended up being made for me.  I received a very
unexpected phone call from my mother stating that I needed to come home and
speak with my father because she assumes that he is having an affair.  And
the only person that has ever been able to speak to him is me.  Now that
was a phone call and information that completely blew me away on multiple
fronts.  First, I didn't even think that my mother had any inclination as
to what was going on outside of her own head, two that she had the
knowledge that my father and I had that type of connection with each other.
So I said to her,

"Well, it's certainly nice to hear from you.  It's only been 5 months.  But
that aside why do you suddenly think that he is having an affair?"

	"Because he doesn't spend any time with me anymore.  He used to
come to bed at the same time every night, he doesn't anymore.  Your father
doesn't just change on a dime like that."

"When did you start to notice it happening? And why do you think I'd be
able to get anything like this out of him?  If you are so in tune with how
he and I connect you would have noticed that that has not been the case for
many months now."

	"Well actually that was another alarm bell that went off in my head
as well I noticed that the two of you were not spending as much time with
each other anymore.  And actually, it started about a year ago."  And I
thought to myself for a moment, that was around the same time that I told
him how I felt.

"OK, well I have to be honest; I wasn't even going to come home it didn't
appear that anyone really wanted me to.  It's not like anyone has been the
most welcoming or caring lately.  This is the first time I've heard from
you since I left for college and to be honest, I haven't heard much from
Dad either.  But if you're that concerned about it, I will come back.  I'll
find a flight and be back in the next day or two."

	"I'm sorry Joseph, I know things haven't been easy for you and I
haven't been the best mother in the world. And I can't speak for your
father but if there's anyone that could figure out what's going on with him
it would be you.  Maybe you'll be able to fix the connection you two had."

"Yea maybe.  Alright let me go and book the plane ticket, and I'll see you
either tomorrow or the next day."

	"Thank you, Joseph, have a safe flight and we'll see you soon. I
love you."  And then she just hung up.

It was the most bizarre conversation I had ever had with my mother.  Hell
it was almost the longest conversation I've ever had with her.  To this day
I didn't even think that she had caring bones or feelings within her.  And
now she tells me that she knows about the connection my father and I had
and then the disappearance of it.  And goes even further to say she knows
how hard things have been for me? AND she loves me?  I don't think I've
heard her mutter those words ever.  My head was just spinning.  This
definitely was going to be an interesting trip.  Not only due to the
circumstances of my coming home but the fact that I would now be home for
both of our birthday's.  This was going to be a first for he and I since
things changed – we always had everything planned out.  A nice dinner or
a trip – this, this was just going to be, I don't know what to call it.

As I was sitting on the plane to go back to New York, I was having
flashbacks to the last time I was sitting in this seat except the plane was
going to San Francisco.  But tears weren't flowing.  In stead my mind was
reeling.  I had no idea how I was going to talk to this man. No idea how I
was going to handle it.  I had worked very hard over the past 5 months to
move past him to realize that there was life outside my father.  And now as
the plane is taking off to take me back to New York, I could feel all of
the work that I had done to move forward and deal with life outside of him
was just melting away.

I had considered telling my mother when I would be arriving but then threw
that idea out the window and decided to make it a surprise birthday present
to my father.  I didn't care how he took whether he'd be happy or not. I
just felt that it was the right thing to do.  After what seemed like an
endless flight we landed and I went to collect my bags and grab a cab to go
into the city, I was again slammed with all of the feelings and thrown back
to that same point 5 months ago when my father and I were standing at the
entrance to the terminal just staring at each other as I was about to
leave.  He had promised me he'd come to see me.  Promised to call me more.
None of that ever happened.  I felt a ping of anger in my stomach from
that, but at the same time no matter what I did, I couldn't be angry at
him, I couldn't be mad at him.

As the cab pulled up to the townhouse, it was with tremendous trepidation
that I walked up the steps to the front door of the house, I could see my
father sitting in the living room watching the TV.  I could also see that
they had not decorated for the holidays at all.  There wasn't even a tree.
This was really a first.  One thing my father always did together was
decorate for the holidays.  It was one of my most cherished memories about
the time we would spend together.  And it was always a challenge each year
to outdo the Kingston's who lived 2 doors down from us.  Each of our
families would have a huge Christmas party and try to out do the other.
With different types of food and activities – I remember one year the
Kingston's got 2 members from the Phil Harmonic to play at their party.  I
had to laugh because my father was so pissed that he hadn't thought of
that.

After finishing that thought I rang the doorbell to a house that I spent 17
years of my life in, but I didn't live here anymore.  I was expecting Brian
(Our house butler) to answer the door, but to my surprise, through the
window I saw my father get up and start walking towards the door.  As he
opened it I watched his beautiful eyes widen with surprise and a smile come
across his face that I hadn't seen in months and right then and there, all
the work I had done, all the energy I had put into moving forward and
trying to make a new life for myself was just wasted energy.  I was more in
love with him now than I ever had been before.



"Joey!"

	"Hi Dad."  Before I had a chance to say anything else he just
pulled me into a tight embrace to a point that it was getting hard to
breathe.  But it felt so damned good that I never wanted it to end.  He
could have squeezed me to death, and I would have died a happy man.

"What the hell are you doing here?  Why didn't you call I would have come
to pick you up! What's going on? What's wrong?"

 	"Nothing's wrong, I just missed you and felt that I needed to be
here.  And it is your birthday tomorrow, so you know I did have to bring
you your present."

"What's that?"

	"What the hell do you think it is?  Same thing it's been for the
past 18 years."  He just gave me the biggest smile and hugged me again and
then I heard him start to cry.

"Oh God Joe, you have no idea how special this is to me. Come on in, it's
cold out here.  We do have to talk too."  As we were walking into the house
and down the hall to the living room, there was a different feel in the
air.  I think my mother was right at least in one sense.  Something was
different about him.  I couldn't tell what just yet.  But there was
something going on.  I was almost afraid to find out – what would I do
or say if she was right?  But at the same time, I knew my father he would
bury himself in work pull away from things and people, but have an affair?
No, I don't think he could do that.  One thing he always was, was an honest
upstanding man.  Or maybe he wasn't.  Maybe I did not know him as much as I
thought I did.

As we sat down in the living room my mother appeared in the room and came
over to give me a hug.  Now I was really worried.  This was not normal
behavior for this woman.  Let alone that phone call.  Her being
affectionate? She wasn't affectionate for 15 years. And now all of a sudden
she has a new personality.

"Welcome home Joeseph, we didn't expect to see you but what a wonderful
surprise!"  OK now my head was really spinning.  I looked at the two of
them and just blurted out-

	"OK what the hell is going on here?  Who the hell are you people?
You look like my parents but you certainly don't seem like them.  And Mom,
where did all this come from?  You have NEVER been this affectionate or
caring before.  Are one of you dying or something?  Someone fill me in
please!"  They both just looked at me and then said,

"I'll let you and your father talk." And she just walked out of the room.
I turned to him and just looked into his eyes, and into his soul trying to
find something.  Trying to get some form of an idea of what was going
on. Until I finally started to hear him speak.

"Joe I first want to apologize for not keeping my promise about coming out
to visit you or keeping in better contact with you and-" I just cut him
off.

	"I don't give a fuck about that.  Right now, I want to know what's
going on.  There are so many things here that just aren't adding up.  You
didn't decorate for the holidays, I suddenly have a mother that appears to
be caring and loving, I also notice Brian isn't here anymore.  So, spill
it.  What's going on?"

"Goddamn, you are just too damned smart for your own good.  OK, I guess
it's time to get it out.  Joe your mother and I are getting a divorce.  It
has been in the works for some time now and we were just waiting for the
right time to get everything finalized before we had it actually go
through.  And that was having the last kid out of the house and on their
own.  The house has been sold and that's why it's not decorated, and Brian
isn't here anymore.  I know that's a lot to take in."

I was speechless.  I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.  But
the more I thought about it the more it made sense.  In fact, even going
back to before I left for college and those comments that I made to him
about it not really being a marriage. I was actually right even then.

	"So basically, you just lived together for me for the past 18
years?"

"Well more like 7 or 8."

	"Tell me something and be honest with me. Did you stay together for
me or because of me?"  He just looked down at the floor. "Dad I won't be
mad either way.  But I do need to know.  It's extremely important."

"Honestly Joseph, I can't answer that. Because I don't know which it really
is."

	"Yes, you do.  For whatever reason you just refuse to admit it.
However, it does give me a much better insight as to the dynamics of your
relationship with mom as well as with me.  You know Dad, things would be a
lot easier on all parties if you would just allow yourself to live the way
that you want to.  And maybe now you will."  It was a hook line and sinker
that I hoped would work.  I knew it wouldn't take hold immediately, but I
had hope that just maybe, now that he was going to be freed from my mother,
and no longer have any excuses that he might come to his senses. "Look, I
will say this I do appreciate you telling me this in person and allowing me
to collect my things rather than having them sent to me in a box – And I
want you to know that I do love you dearly. More than you could actually
even conceive."  I just leaned over and took him into my arms again and
kissed him on the cheek. And then got up to go to my room. Leaving him
sitting there on the couch to think about what I said.

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