Date: Thu, 29 Feb 2024 16:40:37 -0600 From: Mitchel Subject: True Love knows no bounds part 5 True Love Knows no Bounds – Part V Please consider donating to the Nifty organization. **To readers – I want to thank every single person who has taken the time to read this story to this point. I have received praise, criticism and multiple critiques on the plot, way it is being written and even points of view that it's one that's being dragged out and repetitive. As stated at the beginning of this story, this is a story about love, lust and desire. Sometimes, those emotions and conversations about feelings are repetitive. It takes repetition and persistence to ultimately obtain what you want. I invite you to continue reading and responding with your thoughts. Thank you.** ----- As I watched my son walk up the stairs and into his room, I wondered how much he truly knew. Did he understand the fact that I stayed in a sham of a marriage for the past 18 years just for him, even though he already knew that my wife and I weren't matched for each other? Did he know all of what I was doing on the side and what his mother was doing on the side? My guess would be to some degree he probably did. He pretty much knew everything else could see right through me always has. I thought about all the pacts that he and I had made over the years and special connection that I had with him up until I broke it when he told me that he was in-love with me. The one thing that I don't think he understood was what that statement really entailed. What that type of relationship really was and meant. The one secret that I never shared with him, that I didn't want him to know was the fact that I had been down this same road before. I knew what that feeling meant, and I just like him acted on it. I made the same statement to my own father – his grandfather. Except the difference was that his grandfather accepted it and allowed it. And it was great until it wasn't. It lasted 5 months until my father went nuts, cut me off, left the house and family and we never spoke to me again I don't even know if he is alive to this day. I never ever want that to happen to Joe and me. The problem here was the fact that after all the years that Joe and I spent building that special relationship and connection we had – I did exactly what I was trying to prevent – let a rift and separation form between the two of us. While it was not on the scale of what happened between myself and his grandfather, we have grown apart and I hated it. I loved that boy so much that it hurt. And he did know that. He could see it. He said it straight to my face. With every fiber in my body, I wanted a relationship like that with him. Not only could I love him, but I could be there to protect him from the cruelties of this world. But there was still this one barrier stopping me from allowing it to happen. And that was the fear of the relationship going the way that it did with my own father. That fear was stronger than any other feeling at this point. However, I do realize that I need to explain this to Joe. -- As I sat in my room just staring at the walls. I didn't know what to think anymore. There were so many emotions running through me at this point that my head was just spinning. But one thing I did realize at that point was that I no longer belonged here. My parents were basically in a sham marriage – why I don't know. I told my father a long time ago that what he had wasn't a real marriage – I just didn't realize how right I actually was. And furthermore, the fact that my mother had to bring me back here under false pretenses, and not just come out and say what the issue was, and worse, that my father who I loved more than life itself, felt that he couldn't call me himself to tell me. As much as it was going to hurt, it hurt already I realized again, I needed to cut this cord and now. As I was finishing that thought there was a knock at my door. "Hey Joe, can I come in?" "Yea sure." "Listen, I need to talk to you about something. I don't want you to say anything until I'm finished. And then you can make any decisions or say what you want and we can go from there." Now I was curious, because this was not usual for my father. I could see his demeanor was different, and the tone in his voice was one of trepidation maybe? I couldn't tell. "Joe, I think it's time you finally understood why I keep saying no to you. You have been right all along in terms of the `marriage' between your mother and I – it hasn't exactly been the best one. Really just one of convenience for the two of us and to protect you. But the more important piece here is this. I understand the feelings you have towards me and what they entail. I understand the strength and drive of it. And how do I know? I know because I had them for your grandfather and acted on them. And for 5 months it was wonderful, I had the most special times we shared a love that I didn't know was possible. And then it ended abruptly with your grandfather basically flipping on a dime and saying no absolutely not and left. Not only did he leave me, but he left the family – that's why you've never met him. I have no idea where he is or if he is even alive. My point being, Joseph, I love you dearly and I would love nothing more than to have a relationship like that with you. But I have such a fear that something like that could happen that I can't allow it. I've already created enough of a rift between us. I don't want to take the chance of ruining anything more than I already have. I hope that makes sense to you." So now it finally came out. He's terrified that it will go wrong. Could I have been that dumb not to see that? Funny thing is I'm not even shocked at his admission about doing the same thing with my grandfather, we were often told that we were two peas in a pod. The question I now had in front of me was how do I respond? But it was simple. "Thank you for telling that to me. I know that it must have taken a lot for you to do that. And it does make sense to me. However, it does not change my feelings towards you. I am not your father. I am your son. Someone who has known you from day one. You've told me before that I grabbed your heart the minute that I was born. We've been told that we are two peas in a pod. I know for a fact that what happened between you and your father would not happen between us. And when you finally let yourself love me the way that you say you want to. Things will be even better than you think. But I will also tell you this. In the time that you sat downstairs, I booked my ticket to get on a plane and go back to California in about 6 hours. There is nothing left here for me. Unless you are going to say to me that you are changing your mind, and you want to take things to the next level and allow yourself to love me the way you claim you want to then I'm done." He just sat there staring at me. I said everything that could possibly be said at this point, gave him every avenue that I could. He would either take them or not. And if not then so be it. I would continue to live my life the way I had started to do the past 5 months. "I'll take that as a no. Dad, I've told you this before and I'll say it again, I love you more than anything in the world, nothing could ever change that. If you at some point get your head out of your ass and realize that I am not your father and things would be different between us, I'm only a plane ride away. Now I'm headed out, and don't worry about taking me, I'll grab a cab back to the airport. I love you and I hope that you have a good birthday tomorrow." And I just grabbed my bag walked out of the room went and said goodbye to my mother and best of luck with everything. Because I knew in the back of my mind, I would not be seeing her again anytime soon. Quite frankly I didn't think I'd be seeing either one of them again anytime soon if at all. As I walked out of the house, I paused and looked back, just to see if maybe my father would come after me. But he didn't. The door didn't open, there was no call from the window. Nothing. I took one last look at the house that I grew up in and would never see again. I thought about all the wonderful times that I had there. It brought a tear to my eye. But like I said to myself earlier that evening it was time to cut the cord. My father was too wrapped up in his own fears to realize what he could have. I said everything I could, made my case as best I could. I was done. As I sat in the cab on the way back to the airport, I thought more about what my father said, and his explanation of why he keeps saying no to me. And if anything, the only thing that started to build in me was anger. Complete and total anger. He got to have what he wanted, albeit for a short amount of time, but he at least got to have it. Yet he wouldn't even give me the opportunity to have the experience. My logical brain understood it, but my emotional brain just couldn't understand why he didn't even want to give me the chance. The more I thought the angrier I got. That too was a first for me, I never got angry and especially not at him. But this was an even clearer sign to me, this was never going to happen. And that realization brings us back to the present 8 years later as I sit here at this window, staring down at the Castro as everyone was having fun going in and out of the bars and clubs most probably hoping to get lucky tonight. And I just chuckled to myself. 8 years of pining for someone who wouldn't even give me a chance. Oh, I got birthday cards and even a few visits from my father, but it was never the same. And I have never gone back to New York after that night. I remember the first time I tried to go out with a guy, he was talking away about this and that and the other and as I was listening and trying to concentrate, my mind kept going back to my father, and I just cut the guy off and excused myself and went home. I cursed and yelled at the picture of my father for doing this to me. And as much as I wanted to hate him I couldn't. I went through my years at Stanford lonely for a partner but knowing that I would never find one. There was only one man for me, and that man didn't want to be with me. I had friends, tried to even find just a fuck buddy as it's called, but I couldn't even get it up for that. I even tried picturing my dad's face on the guy and I still couldn't get hard. It was the most embarrassing thing on the earth. I had my legs in the air and the guy was stroking me with his hand as he was getting ready to fuck me, but I still couldn't get hard. No matter what I did, thought pictured. It just didn't happen and finally the guy just gave up and said to me, "Dude, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you. No one has ever not been able to get hard with me. I mean at least try and look interested." I just looked back at him with tears in my eyes and apologized and told him that he could leave if he wanted. And he did. Just got dressed and walked out leaving me there lying naked in bed curled up in a ball crying. As I thought about it, it was the most pathetic thing ever. But it's the way I was. The way that my brain is wired. I have tried to cut that cord so many fucking times. And I still wind up in the same place. No matter what I do, who I see, I'm still in love with one man and that's just never going to change. After that experience I have never tried again. Don't want to try again, I have accepted the fact that I am most likely going to be alone and celibate for the rest of my life and to be quite frank? I had come to terms with that. After I graduated from medical school in 6 months, I'd most likely do my residency out here in San Francisco – I had always dreamed of doing it back at NYU. Their main campus was just 10 blocks from his office. But there was no point in that anymore. It would just be torturing myself and I've done enough of that already. As I pulled myself away from the window and crawled into bed, I pulled the covers over myself, went to reach for the remote and stared directly at that picture of myself and Dad and just shook my head and said, Why? Comments welcome at awriter3827@gmail.com