Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2024 18:42:22 -0500 From: Mitchel Subject: True Love Knows no bounds - Part VII True Love Knows no Bounds – Part VII Please consider donating to the Nifty organization. As we walked into my apartment, I was in such a daze from the information that had just been given to me let alone seeing someone that I hadn't seen or spoken to in over 10 years, that I just fell down onto the couch. I didn't know what to think anymore. The person that I had been in love with for more years than I can count, was now dead and the person telling it to me was someone who in all honesty, I barely knew. It was just such an odd situation that you almost just couldn't make this shit up. I finally looked up at Adam as he was sitting on the couch next to me with tears in my eyes. "Adam, I can't believe he's gone. I just can't. All those years, all that time I spent pining and wanting and trying to persuade him. And he didn't even have the courtesy to tell me the real reason why? And the fact that he told you about me and didn't even ask me about that? It's like I was dealing with a completely different person. The whole thing just doesn't make sense. Did he really think I was that childish or naive that I wouldn't be able to handle the truth?" "Honestly Joe, I don't know what to say to that. Truthfully, I don't understand his reasoning behind it either. You're probably the smartest one in the family. And I would think that you'd be able to understand it, I mean you're in medical school for God sakes. So, I don't know what to tell you. I just didn't want you to find out the way you did about the divorce. I told our mother that she was stupid about the way she did that too. But no one listened to me. They never did. It's also a part of the reason I never wanted to be in that house. It was just too damned toxic on all fronts." "Since you know about how I feel or I guess felt about him, do you think I'm a sick person for it?" "No. Absolutely not. You love who you love. You can't control that. If you loved him then that's who you loved. So, it happened to be Dad. Big deal, a little unconventional but who cares. It's your life no one else's." "Can I ask you something else?" "Sure. What?" "Why did you ghost me for the past 15 years? I mean I don't think we've ever had a conversation that lasted longer than 5-10 minutes. What's wrong with me?" I could clearly see that was a question that he did not want to answer. "Joe...I don't really know how to answer that. I can tell you that when we were children that 1, I was two years older than you and you were a bit of a brat. But when we were older, you spent so much time with Dad that you didn't really acknowledge anything else. And then well I was off to college. And then you were here and well our relationship never really existed. So, I guess it was just a combination of all those things that we just grew apart. I don't know how else to put it." I suppose he did have a point there – I did focus my entire life on my father and ignored everything else around me. "OK, point taken. But I've been out here for 8 years, and I haven't heard from you once. I don't even know what the hell it is that you are doing now." "I know and I'm sorry, I should have made more of an effort. And just to answer your question, I'm an engineer. But regardless of all that I think we can lay blame on both of us for our separation – I didn't hear you calling me either. Dad knew where and what I was doing. And you were talking to him." He did have a point there. I was overly consumed as usual with my father. And really didn't care much about anything else so it made sense. At that point I just fell into him and felt his arms come around me. It felt so nice and so comforting. I don't remember the last time I felt like this. And then I did. It was 9 years ago back in Central Park when I had my father's arms around me before I told him how I felt about him. It was such a chilling thought. All this was going on and I had no clue. I couldn't control them as the tears started to flow from my eyes, as I heard Adam say, "Listen, I know that I'm not dad and again, I can't even imagine what you're feeling right now. But I do want you to know something. I'm here for you. No more ghosting, no more ignoring and being separated from each other." His words were so comforting and calming. But it was strange coming from Adam's mouth I guess because I never really knew that this side of him existed. I wonder if anyone did. As I was thinking about it more and more, more questions popped into my head. Well, I knew why he was here. But I was curious as to why he waited a few days? Why did he decide to go in a bar? Furthermore, converse with the clientele? It's one thing to go into a bar and have a drink, it's another thing to say you came in to enjoy yourself. And now all of a sudden, all this kindness. "Adam, what's the real deal here? Is Dad really dead? What's going on with you? I've never in my entire life seen you act like this. And also, if it is in fact true, why did you go into a gay bar? Why didn't you just come straight to me? Even if you didn't have my address, I know you have my phone number. What's really going on here?" "You were always the smart one. I hated that. You could see through anything, well almost anything when you allowed yourself to. But I will admit I was jealous of that. All those AP classes in high school you took. It's no wonder that you got into Stanford. But to answer your question – yes dad really is dead the funeral is on Wednesday. And in answer to your other questions, first I needed to prepare myself for what your response was going to be – I'm not exactly the most strong-minded person, and secondly where else would you expect a gay guy to go out to? I asked around for the best spot. Everyone said The Lookout. I did not expect to run into you at all." I was absolutely stunned. I must have sat there with my mouth hanging open for I don't know how long. Once I finally was able to regain my composure, "I had no idea you were gay." "I know, you were never supposed to. No one was. My plan was to disappear as best I could. No one cared much about me anyway so I had just planned on disappearing so to speak and just live life as I could. But that all changed when mother dearest decided to call and tell me about Dad. And before you ask I'm still puzzled myself as to why she didn't call you first. But she's fucked up. We both know that." "True." As I stared into his eyes, I realized how deeply blue they were. I don't think I've ever seen eyes with this color or tint to them. As I continued to look into them and into him, I didn't know what I was searching for, but something told me to keep looking and searching. And as I continued to stare and look deep into him, into his soul. I realized what it was. The mentality was certainly different but if I were to look at him physically and at his soul, he was in a way a younger version of my father. "Joe what's wrong?" "Nothing – I just had a weird vision and was thinking about comparisons. And if you want to know the truth, if we separate the mentalities from the physical being and soul, you're a carbon copy of dad. I know it sounds weird. But you are. You guys look the same. Have the same goodness in your heart – well I hope your heart is in better shape than his was, but you guys are just so similar it's kind of freaky." "You're not the first person to say that you know. That was another reason I tried to distance myself from everything and everyone. I didn't want to keep being compared to dad. It was impossible to compare or match his abilities and I didn't even want to try to do it. I just wanted to be me." "Yea I can understand that feeling completely. God we really do have a fucked up family, don't we?" "Yea that's for sure. By the way I hate to have to bring this back into the conversation, but there was one thing I forgot to mention." "What's that?" "You were elected to give dad's eulogy." "Son of a bitch! Seriously? After everything that's happened, they expect me to get up there and give a eulogy for a man that I apparently barely knew? How the fuck am I supposed to do that? And with a straight face no less? Ugg that is not something I wanted know, hear or have to do." "I know Joe – but even not knowing what you did, you did know him better than anyone else. You spent the most time with him and connected with him more than anyone else did." At this point I didn't know what to think I'm supposed to stand up in front of a room of people and give a speech about a man who I was madly in love with, thought I knew inside and out and then find out he's dead and didn't tell me half the shit about him that I of all people should have known. The whole thing was just fucked up. As I sat there and thought more and more about it, I wondered what I could possibly say that would make sense. I had so many conflicting emotions that I just started crying. I wanted to give a heartfelt adoring tribute to the man. At the same time, I wanted to curse him for torturing me for the past 10 years basically ruling my life. It was a no-win situation here. "Joe, listen to me if you really don't want to do it or don't think that you can handle it then don't do it. I'm sure that we can come up with some excuse as to why you couldn't be there and someone else will do it." "No Adam, I must do it. Not for anyone else, but for me. I don't know what I'm going to say yet but this will help me close a chapter in my life that has been open for the past 15 years. Ever since I came out to him and told him how I felt. I never got what I wanted. But this is truly the final nail in the coffin." He just looked at me and nodded. As we were on the plane flying back to New York for the funeral, Adam took my hand in his. It was the strangest feeling. It even felt like my father's hand. It was soft yet had rough skin at the same time. It was a very surreal experience because I'm on my way to my father's funeral and yet I get the feeling as if I'm holding his hand right now. As I look at Adam sleeping, it's as if I'm seeing a younger version of my father. It was so odd and erotic yet insane at the same time. But at the same time, I didn't want to. I for a second, thought to myself what if it was Adam that lived my life out with? He's not my father, but at the same time has the same tendencies, same looks, same kindness. Actually, if anything, was kinder than anyone else. He took the time to come out and tell me about this news in person and more so a whole lot of other shit that apparently no one else felt I deserved to know. I then turned my thoughts to the fact that I had to stand up in front of a group of people and give some sort of kind speech about a man who I thought I knew and understood and who understood me, yet I find out years later that he was hiding so much from me that I almost didn't know him at all. What could I say? How could I say it with a straight face. I also knew that the minute I saw his body I was going to burst into tears regardless of the circumstances. It was a sick, sick situation, but the bottom line was that I still loved that man, no matter what he did or didn't do. As the plane touched down in New York, Adam woke up and I thought that he would let go of my hand but held onto it tighter and just looked at me. "You'll be fine. You'll come and stay at my place, and we'll deal with everyone and everything else tomorrow OK?" I just slowly nodded my head as we got up to get off the plane and headed into the city. Turns out Adam had quite a nice set up down in the west village. "Wow, I guess the engineering business has done you quite well." "Yea well it is good money, and it helps to know what you're doing. But more to the point, I like doing it and work my ass off too. So, the returns are good." As I looked around at the designs and make-ups of his work, I thought to myself – damn he really was good. "You ever consider coming out to San Francisco? There are quite a few places that could use your expertise." "No. Never crossed my mind. I've been happy here; I've got a good team. Why leave it?" "Oh, I don't know maybe it's time to look for new opportunities." What the fuck was I doing? Am I subconsciously trying to seduce my brother? But the sick thing was every time I looked at him I saw my father in a younger version. It was just sick. And yet I couldn't stop myself or pull myself out of that vision. "Joe, look I may not be as smart as you – but somehow, I see the wheels turning in your head. I'm not dad. That would never work. So don't even try and think that way or try to make it happen. Because you will never be satisfied. I'm not him. I will never be him. Just don't." And my bubble finally burst. "Look we have a few days before the funeral and then you can go back to San Francisco and finish your degree and move on. It's what you have to do." In what seemed like the blink of an eye we were sitting inside a funeral hall. The coffin with my father inside of it was lying less than 30 feet away from me. It took every ounce of energy that I had to walk up to the coffin and look inside. But when I did and saw his body laying there, the true realization that he was dead finally hit me. And I just started crying. And then without even thinking about the fact that there were many people sitting in the pews behind me I leaned into the coffin and kissed him on the lips and said I love you out loud. As I started to back up straight, I felt someone grab my hand and pull me away from the coffin. I just looked at Adam, "I can't believe it. He really is dead." "I know Joe and I'm so sorry that everything happened the way that it did. But do know, he did love you too. Very much. Just remember that." As I went to sit down next to him on the front bench, the priest began speaking some prayer if which I wasn't even listening to. It wasn't until Adam nudged me that I realized it was now my turn to get up and speak. Over the last 2 days I had thought and wrote and re-wrote this speech lord knows how many times. And truthfully still wasn't happy with it. But, I got up and very slowly walked up at the podium doing everything I could not to look at down at my father or burst in to tears. I pulled the written speech out of my suit jacket pocket and placed it down on the podium and just stood there looking down at it but the written words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. I finally just looked up and saw that there must have been over 100 people there. I was shocked, I guess I hadn't realized it before, and then without even thinking about it I started to speak... "Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you for being here today to honor the life of my father. I want to start by sharing a story that encapsulates the essence of my father. Every single day that he walked out of the house onto Riverside Drive, the car would be waiting to take him to work, but before getting into the car, he would walk down to the corner to see if there was anyone sitting there. And usually there was a man who sat there wrapped in a blanket. My father would just walk up to him with no fear of being hurt and hand the man a twenty-dollar bill and always said "Don't spend it on the wrong things. Go and get something to eat." And then walk back to the car and go off to work. I once asked him why he did that, and his response was always the same `Its part of my insurance policy.' I never understood that at the time. But as I grew up it became clear to me why he did it. My father was a remarkable man. He was a kind compassionate and hardworking man who would stop at nothing to ensure that the goals he set were met. He lived his life with integrity, generosity and most importantly love. His actions always spoke louder than his words. As I'm sure most of you have experienced the skill that my father had as an attorney who could make anyone squirm in their chair just by giving them a look, asking questions that the other person never even considered. His ability to craft words and structure were unmatchable. To me, my father was not just a parent but also a role model, source of strength and a guiding light. He taught me how to navigate through any situation, the value of hard work and the importance of kindness, generosity and most of all love. His wisdom will continue to guide me every day. I am grateful for every moment I shared with my father. His love and support were unwavering, and I will forever cherish the memories we created together. As we say goodbye to my father, let us remember the legacy he leaves behind. Let us carry forward his values, his kindness, and his love. My father may no longer be with us in body, but his spirit will live on in all those who knew him. Dad, wherever you are, know that you are loved and deeply missed. Your memory will always be a blessing and a guiding light in our lives. Until we meet again, rest in peace. Thank you everyone for being here today to celebrate the life of my father." After I finished, I just walked to the pew, sat down and basically fell into my brother. I was so worn out. Saying all of that took everything I had and more. But one thing I knew to be true – as I was saying it, I knew that my troubles were no where near over. They were just being transferred to a different body. I was totally fucked and had no idea what to do. Comments welcome at awriter3827@gmail.com