Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2009 09:32:39 -0500
From: Blonde Blue eyes <blondeblueeyes@gmail.com>
Subject: True Love 17

Yes, that's what I did again, I sat there all night and just watched him
sleep.  Watched and wondered how many more times I was going to do this --
or even get to do this.  Soon enough he would be up and around, actually
tomorrow is the beginning of rehab, hmm to have to work with a stubborn man
who in the irony of everything does not like the answer `no'.  And
absolutely hates when he can't manage to do something.  Oh yes this was
definitely going to be interesting because there was no way he was actually
going to be able to get up and do things on his own at first.  Yep
definitely interesting fighting with him every day to keep doing it and not
give up.  But for what? So that I could take him home and he could start
living again and taking away what I always wanted, being able to spend as
much time with him as possible.  God, I really am the most selfish son of a
bitch, but at that point I didn't care.  I knew what I had to do and I was
going to do it.

	In the midst of everything I must have fallen asleep again myself,
as I was awoken to the doctor talking to him about the rehab regiment and
how they were going to start off slow and take it bit by bit so that he
didn't do any damage to what had just been fixed.  And just as I said last
night, he started his protest as to why they couldn't do more to begin
with.  I just opened my big mouth and told the doctor that he would do
exactly as told and looked forward to starting today.  The doctor laughed
and told my father he should listen to me, and walked away.  My father just
looked at me with almost anger on his face and I just said a very simple
thing, "you will listen to him and do what he says, because I am NOT
sitting here another 4 months because you fuck everything up." He just
stared at me and finally nodded his head.  And I thought to myself that was
a little too easy but I'll roll with it anyway.

	And of course now comes the beginnings of another day of discussion
over what I don't really know, I mean we discussed absolutely everything
from feelings, to work, to decoration of the house what more was there to
talk about -- at least that I was willing to open up to at this point.  But
he starts off, "Sleep well?" I just nodded, and he continues, `Good, so
listen what we talked about last night and how we were going to move
forward after I'm finally out of here, I meant all that I said -- every
word of it, and I want you to do all of it, but also just know that, you
always have somewhere to stay, I won't ever make the mistake of pushing you
away again.  If you want to spend time with me, I'm always here no matter
what.'  OK now that was an extremely dangerous statement.  I knew the
dangers of that.  I knew my feelings for him would never ever change, but
if they were not returned staying there permanently was not going to be
easy.  If he really wanted me to move on in life and strive for the best,
then staying there with him full time with him not being my lover was not a
part of that equation. (No, this does not coincide with all of my previous
thinking, however it was something that I was coming to realize was going
to be necessary) Because I would never be able to do that if he was in my
sight every single day.  And I considered actually bringing up the fact
that in my `moving forward' without him next me -would entail me eventually
moving out -- certainly not immediately but it would have to happen at some
point after he was back and settled in.  But I decided against it and just
responded with a smile and said, "I know, and thanks."  And I realized, wow
I really had just taken that first step forward.

	And with that step, another chapter in life began --sort of. It now
was time for him to also take the next step in moving forward and that was
starting the rehab, getting him out of bed, up and walking and almost to a
point of relearning a lot of movements.  Since after months of really not
moving at all we both realized that it was not going to be easy for him to
start doing all those things again.  That afternoon, brought a tear to my
own eye, after now almost 5 months I saw him sit up straight and slowly
turn to an up-right sitting position so that he could move off the bed and
into a wheelchair.  That was truly a sight that for a long time I didn't
believe that I would ever see again.  But at the same time that the tear
was falling from my eyes about that, I noticed another tear falling from
his eye.  And I realized that I could see the struggle on his face and how
difficult it was for him to do this simple movement.  As he was sliding off
the bed and into the chair he turned and looked at me and then quickly
looked down to hide his face as to make sure that I wasn't able to see him
struggling.  I walked over to him and picked up his chin and looked
straight into his eyes and told him `I know it's hard, but you're going to
make it through this, you are going to get better, you will soon be able to
do that without a thought.  All you have to do is like we said, fight and
win and we'll get out of here as soon as we can.' He just looked back at me
and smiled and said, `I know, as long as you're around I know I can do it.'

	And the nurse started rolling him off out of the room and down to
the rehab department, as I was left just standing there once again
replaying a statement in my head over and over trying to figure out what
was the underlying meaning to it. So much for moving forward he just threw
me back to `I can't leave him, he needs me maybe I can work on him
subconsciously.'  It really was a sickening thing, no matter what I did and
how many times I said to myself that I had to move forward and take those
steps to exist with him as just my father and best friend, I was given
reasons to be stubborn and selfish and still try and get what I want.  But
never the less it was time to work with him.

	I walked down the hall with a bit a trepidation -- which I really
did not understand, all I was doing was going down the hall to be there as
support for him as he began his road back to whatever we could call normal.
I think it was more my worry that I was once again going to break down into
that little boy that runs and cry's to daddy because I'm afraid and can't
be a grown-up about it and just deal with it -- maybe I should take a
detour and check myself into the psych ward because I really was crazy.
But as I walked into the rehab area and looked at what was in front of me I
stopped dead in my tracks.  There in front of me was a walker and my father
holding on to it barely able to hold up his own weight.  I couldn't believe
this is what I was seeing.  This was not the man I knew, not the man that I
used to run to and curl up in his arms as a little kid -- that man had
muscles and strength and could pick me up with one arm.  What was in front
of me was not that by any means --what was in front of me was the ragged
shell of that.  I actually did break down into tears, it hurt me so much to
see him that way, to see him struggling to do the simplest thing as
standing up, it really was painful.

      I quietly went and sat down on one of the benches by the door, hoping
that he hadn't seen me do that -- thankfully he had not.  As I was sitting
there with my head in my hands, one of the specialists came over and sat
down next to me and just asked me if I was OK.  I looked up at the man with
my eyes all blood-shot and red and said to him `No, I'm not ok, I don't
know what to do, how the hell is he going to get better from that? How am I
ever going to get him back to what he used to be? I promised him I'd help
him get back to that, is it even physically possible? I mean look at him,
he can barely even stand up.' The guy just looked at me, I don't know why,
but he had such a calming and nurturing face, he just looked at me and put
his arm around my shoulder and said something that I will never forget

      "I know that it looks bad, but you have to remember something.  There
in front of you stands someone who has been in bed since December -- it is
now the middle of April, it has been almost 5 months since he's moved and
used his legs.  So look again, almost 5 months and the first time he's out
of a bed he's standing, maybe with the help of a walker but he's standing.
More often than not after 5 months most people will never walk again.  Yes
he's struggling, and he will for a while.  And I'm sure he's in pain too,
but he's willing to do it, he's fighting to do it, and I believe that he
will.  But it's not something he can do on his own.' I looked at him as was
like no kidding, but he went on. `And no I'm not talking about the medical
people --of course he needs us.  But a huge part of rehab is emotional
support, and encouragement and confidence, and that's where you come in.
It's obvious there is no one else, you have been here since day one,
everyone here knows that, he knows it, and is proud of it. That's devotion,
that's love, call it what you want but it's you.  And just as much as you
were here for that, he needs you to be here for this, more now than any
other time.' And I just looked at the guy with a bit of a question mark
because he said `he knows it and is proud of it'.  I looked at the guy and
asked him

      "What do you mean `and is proud of it'?"  The guy just looked at me
and smiled and said "From the time he has been awake, he has asked question
after question about what happened and how long you were here and what you
did.  And we all told him the truth. And from that he just talks about you
and how proud he is that you are his son, and all the things you've done,
trust me we know more about you than you think.  So I'll leave you with one
thing and then tell you to go over there and do what you have to.  He loves
and believes in you, you have to do the same for him."  And he patted me on
my shoulder and got up and walked away.  But that speech is something I
will never forget for the rest of my life.  I've been able to replay and
relive those words year in and year out..

      `..he loves and believes in you, and you have to do the same for
him.'

      And with that, I looked up over at my father as he continued to stand
and slowly pushed himself to walk one step at a time, I saw the struggle, I
saw the pain, I felt the struggle and pain, but realized once again what
`going forward' and `striving for the best' meant for me.  That meant
staying with him. Going forward meant staying with him and being proud to
be his son, proud to be his best friend.  That was the best for me.  And I
realized that I may not be able to get him as my lover, and I would learn
to live with that, but in the end I would actually end up achieving my
ultimate goal that I had from years back already, and that was to spend as
much time with him as possible and get to know him again.  I would still
love him, and he loves me, he was proud of me, just as I am of him.  So
really what was the difference?  A few minor details I suppose, I wouldn't
get to sleep in the same bed as him and I wouldn't get to make love with
him.  Could I live with that? I guess I really didn't have a choice but at
this point I was going to take what I could get.

      So I wiped my eyes, tried to clean up my face, stood up and walked
over to the shell of a man that I was going to help turn back into my
superman no matter what it took or how long it took I was going to do that.
I put my hand on his shoulder, and I think actually scared him a bit, and
he looked up at me and smiled and I smiled back at him and said "how's it
going cripple?"

And the most wonderful thing happened, I got him to laugh.  He literally
out-loud laughed, and replied `I'll show you cripple.' And with a quick
movement took his right hand off the walker and took a quick swing and hit
me right in the balls.  Looked up at me with an evil grin on his face and
said `who's the cripple now?'

Questions/comments blondeblueeyes@gmail.com