Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2008 12:33:52 -0500
From: Blonde Blue eyes <blondeblueeyes@gmail.com>
Subject: True Love 4

      The realization of all of this, the fact that I spoke my mind I told
him how I felt -- hes still going to get married.  I suppose I should not
have expected any different.  After all these years the man finally looked
happy, and granted she was a nice girl, to my knowledge she treats him very
well, and well, I guess its just something that I have to finally accept,
the one man I wanted is no longer available -- then again I come to
think...was he ever really available to me to begin with?  Had I said
something earlier would it have made a difference?  I think not.

      So now came the time to take care of me.  There was nothing more that
I could do in terms of my father, Jessica was moving into the house, and it
was officially time for me to move out.  Although in the midst of all this
I did help to plan his wedding, which admittedly was a lot of fun -- then
again in a sick and twisted way I was really planning my own wedding except
someone else was going in place of me.  But alas, there came the day that
my father was to be married, and shockingly my brothers appeared out of
no-where to join us, which I don't know whether or not it was a good thing
or bad, but regardless they were there.  As the ceremony began, and
lingered on and on, the more difficult it became for me to stand up there.
To look at him, holding her hand, my jealousy built, my anger built, I had
to use every ounce of energy that I had not to burst out into tears and
walk away, but I was able to do it, I stood there tried to smile and look
happy for him.  And then, just like that, it was all over, the rings had
been exchanged, the vows had been said, and they ran down the aisle into a
waiting limo, and drove off.

      Me, I just stood there, staring out the door watching the car
disappear, with the man that I loved, and someone else had.  But, such is
life, it was now time to take care of me, Given that I was no longer
staying at home for college, I made the decision that if I was ever going
to be able to move on in life, I really needed to get as far away from here
as possible.  Initially I was going to wait until he got home to move out,
but then decided against that as well.  I packed up my stuff and started
moving everything into the dorms, and it would work out perfectly I would
have everything in the dorms before he got back, and all that I would have
to do is welcome them back into the house and then leave.  And for a
change, that's exactly what I did,

      After 2 weeks in Greece, they came back, looked very happy, and said
that they had a good time, and again, there, I got that slap in the face,
and said to myself, `don't falter, he's happy, just let it go and move
on.' So I pulled him aside and said to him `Dad, while you were gone,
took the liberty to get myself all moved out, everything is already in the
dorms, and classes start next week so I'm going to head out tonight, you
look so happy, more so than you ever have before, and that makes me happy
and realize that I have done all that I can.  Like you said to me, it's
time for us to both be happy and move on in our lives, just remember I will
always love you, and I thank you for everything you have done for me, what
you have taught me, and the man that you brought me up to be.' There was no
immediate response, so I hugged him kissed him on the top of the head, went
over and congratulated Jessica, and then walked out the door, shut it and
paused on the step for a minute, and thought about what I had just done,
and reassured myself, that it was the right thing, I needed to move on,
just like he did, and this was the only way to do it, it hurt for sure, but
it was the only way.  And I stepped off the stoop and walked towards the
car, and just before I got in, I looked back at the house that I had spent
over 17 years in, and knew that it was the last time I was going to see
that house for a very long time, it hurt -- a lot, but again something I
knew that had to be done.  And finally got in the car, started backing out
of the driveway.  But as I was doing it I stopped 3 times, not sure why
really, maybe the hope that my father would come out after me, to maybe
even make the attempt to say something.  I mean I know that I had shocked
him with this, I could see it on his face.  But I guess it wasn't enough to
make any difference.  And with that thought in mind, I drove off.  If he
really wanted to, he knew how to reach me, and find me.  As much as the
separation was a good thing, and I needed it, I would never turn the man
away, would always answer a phone call, so he had all of that.  However,
this time it was not going to be me running after him. This time, he was
going to have to be the one to make contact -- was he going to do it? I had
no clue, on one hand I hoped so, and on the other I actually did not.

      As I pulled into the parking of the dorm, I looked at the building as
the beginning of a new chapter of my life.  I was finally going to have to
attempt to reintegrate myself back into the real world outside of my
father.  A world that I have been avoiding for years, but I guess at 18
years old it was time to try and be myself -- who ever that is, it was time
to find me.  I walked into my room, and while it did look a little bit
lonely, I started decorating and making the place mine, and as I was
unpacking the boxes, and going through everything and figuring out a place
to put it all, I came across that framed picture of Dad and I that I had
sitting on my desk with me sitting on his lap and his arms wrapped tightly
around me.  And of course that just set me off and I sat down on the bed
and started to cry again, but stopped myself and said `no, Im not going
to do this anymore.' So I put the picture down on the dresser and kept on
unpacking and after 3 hours it was all done, the place was set up, and of
course I went to look at my phone to see if anyone had called but nothing.
So it was kind of another sign to just move on already.

      Finally classes started for the semester and I started to get myself
into a routine, to try and reaclammate myself with the world and started
going to the gym and trying to interact with classmates and people on my
dorm floor, and actually to my surprise things really started to change for
me, it took a lot of energy and work, but I was finally moving on with my
life, getting past my father and everything that went along with it.  I
found a few social groups of LGBT, and realized that I really could do
this, and in the process of everything I met this one guy, who was really
nice, and after a while became really good friends, started hanging out
together, had a lot of the same classes, and before I realized it, it
turned from friends into dating.  I couldn't believe it, after all this
time, I was actually able to accept another guy into my life other than my
father.  Of course the minute I had that realization, everything came
crashing back down on me, I realized that I hadn't heard from my father in
almost 3 months, I guess he had moved on too.  And in looking at the
calendar it was already late December, both of our birthdays were coming
up. (Dad always called me his early birthday present since I was born 2
days before his birthday, and we always used to celebrate it together, just
the two of us, we'd go out to our favorite reastaurant, a couple of years
we actually went on trips and just spent the time with each other -- those
were the times I cherished and loved.) But I guess it was fairly obvious
that none of that was going to happen this year.  I had been toiling with
the idea as to what to do over my winter break since I had 4 weeks to kill
in between semesters, and my almost `boyfriend' was going back to his
parents in California. So what I decided was that I was going to do some
traveling of my own, and was going to spend a few weeks touring Europe, was
something that I had always wanted to do with dad, but oh well, I guess it
was going to be on my own.

      So it came the time that I had to finally go back to the house and
face the music and tell him what I was going to do, but no matter what I
promised myself that I had made myself so strong that I could do this,
without falling to pieces the first time I saw him.  While easier said than
done, I was going to do it. As I pulled up to the house, and parked in the
driveway, there was such an energy stemming from the house, that I really
didn't quite understand.  I mean I knew it was going to be difficult to go
back there after almost 4 months of no communication or anything, but the
strength and feelings coming from it were just unbelieveable.  It was
almost as if there was something pushing against me as I walked up to the
door, before putting the key in the lock and turning it, I paused and I was
thrown back 6 months to what I had said that day, and how it basically
changed my entire life, and everything that would happen in it going
forward.

      Finally I turned the key and opened the door, and what I saw in front
of me, shocked the hell out of me.  Everything was different, it was if I
was walking into a house that I had never been to in my entire life.  The
furniture was different, the paint on the walls was different, the floors
had been redone, the art work on the walls was all different.  I just could
not believe it, it was literally a different house.  As I walked further
into the house, every step I took I found something else different.  From
what I could see there was absolutely nothing left of the old
place--nothing at all.  And that actually hurt quite a bit, I mean I knew
things were going to change and the probably would get new furniture and
stuff like that, but to this extreme I was not expecting.  As I walked
upstairs, I was almost getting to a point of being scared what I would find
changed next.  But then I came across the real kicker and the thing that
hurt the most. I ran into a pile of boxes all marked storage, and the top
one was still open, and I couldn't help but look inside, and what I found,
set me off into tears.  Inside that box, I found all of the little things
and presents I had given my father for his birthday and father's day over
the past 18 years..Drawings, little key rings, a wooden pencil holder that
said `worlds greatest dad' I could not believe it, just couldn't, I knew I
wanted him to move on, and I knew that he would, but I didn't think that he
would just pack up and put everything in storage, just to forget it all.
That was it.  I was only in the house maybe 10 minutes and I couldn't take
it anymore, I just turned around and went to walk right back to the door,
and leave, it was obvious that I was in the past, and there was no reason
in my changing that now, it was time for me to leave, and I actually almost
ran to the door, but just before I got there, I ran straight into him.  And
again, what I saw standing in front of me, was not the man I knew 6 months
earlier.  I just looked at him, and shook my head, what stood in front of
me was a ragged shell of a man.  I couldn't speak, I had no words , I
opened my mouth but nothing came out.  I just shook my head again in
complete and total disbelief and realized I really need to leave and go
outside for air, I couldn't take it anymore, and I just lowered my head and
went for the door, but as I went to turn the knob, he grabbed my other
wrist, in such a tight grip that it was painful, and I just said `please
just let me go, I don't belong here anymore.' But he did not let go, just
tightened his grip, I tried pulling away again, but he wouldn't let go.  It
became clear, I wasn't going anywhere,

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