Date: Fri, 26 Dec 2008 16:49:04 -0500
From: Blonde Blue eyes <blondeblueeyes@gmail.com>
Subject: True Love 5

      `As he held my wrist, I just stood there and looked up at him, still
unable to speak, I truly could not believe what I saw in front of me.  A
man that had been 6'5" 180 pounds of solid body, with beautiful brown eyes,
and a full head of hair, now standing in front of me was a shell of that,
his eyes were blood shot, hair was a mess, it was obvious he had not been
to the gym in a very long time.  I tried to free my hand again, but to no
avail, his grip only got tighter, and when I finally got the ability to
speak and could make sound come out of my mouth all I could say was `Why?'
And he took my arm and led me back into the den, and down the stairs into
the basement, where I again I saw more change, what had been his home gym
was now a giant closet full of god knows what.  All I could do was keep
shaking my head over and over until he finally spoke and said 2 words I
never expected to hear from that man, especially not then, and not there
but an

      "I'm sorry".  And I just looked back at him and said what for.  And
that's when it all started to flow out.  "I'm sorry for leaving things the
way that I did, I'm sorry that I haven't called you in 4 months, I'm sorry
I abandoned you."  And I stopped him right there, and went to speak again
but he put his hand to my mouth and just kept going.  "You poured your
heart out to me, and told me things that I could not believe that I was
hearing, I was so caught up in everything else, with Jessica and asking her
to marry me, and discovering how to live again, that I ignored you, and
your feelings.  Nothing actually registered in my head." And he continued
on, "And yet even with all that, you did exactly what you have always done,
became the adult, swallowed everything, and supported me and everything I
did like you always have. And then again, was the adult again, moved out,
of the house, and on your own just so that I could have my own privacy."

      And as I just sat there and stared at him, I was deciding how to
respond to it, and decided that I was going to make it very simple, because
really in essence it was very simple, as I have always said, I would never
turn the man away ever..or hold a grudge against him – and I never have
and never will..

And I simply said "Just forget all of that, I'm OK and I'm not mad at you,
the question is what the fuck happened here, to you??"

      And all he did was just lower his head – I picked up his chin just
like had to me all those months ago, and looked him straight in the eye and
made him look back at me, not so that I could only see his eyes but I
wanted to see into him, I wanted to see his soul, I wanted to be able to
read him like I used to and he did me.  And when I finally got that and was
able to see into him, that's when I understood, and also when he started to
fall apart. It was scary actually it was almost a role reversal.  And all I
had to say was `she's gone isn't she' and he sat in silence with his head
feeling heavy on my hands.  And he looked up and again into my eyes and
started to tear and just said

      "she didn't want me, she wanted money, and control over everything,
and look what happened, I was so fucking blinded by her, before I realized
it look what she did to the place, and look what she did to me, I was a
puppet, and when I finally woke up and said enough was enough and told her
to get out, she brought on a war, of lawyers and everything else you can
imagine, in the end she didn't make off with much just my sanity, and a
couple of bucks.'
      I looked at him again, and could see again that he was leaving
something out, couldn't tell what but there was something, and I figured
don't know when else I'll get the opportunity to get this out of him so I
pushed, a little more and just said `you're just as bad a liar as I am,
there's something else isn't there.'

      And he looked straight back at me again into my eyes, and I got the
last part out of him. `she got herself pregnant, told me it was mine, and
then just by accident I found the tests from the doctor, not my kid, but at
least I caught that soon enough otherwise she'd have gotten me for child
support too.'

      And then I just started to laugh because it was the most unbelievable
thing, again this was a man that I looked to as my hero for 18 years, and
he got duped just as easy as the next guy.  And then I had my final
question which I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to, but I asked him
anyway.  :"why didn't you call me to tell me?"  His answer was simple and
short "Same reason you waited so long to tell me that you were gay, I
didn't want you to think any less of me, because of my actions and
stupidity really."

      And we just sat there for a while staring at each other, really at a
point of not knowing what to say further.  We both were now at a cross –
road.  In my eyes, this was the most fantastic opportunity ever.  The bitch
was gone, I really could have him all to myself we could rebuild, start
fresh, and I could make him as happy as he wanted to be.  I knew I could do
it, I wanted to do it. However, that's the emotional me speaking, the
rational yet annoying part of me said, there's no way in hell that you are
going to do that and get away with it.  Leave things the way that they are
and let him move at his own pace and in whatever direction he wanted to.
So I looked at him again, and offered him the best I could and said

       "Dad, before we continue this, I need to tell you that the original
reason that I came home was to tell you that I was leaving for Europe 2
days from now, and I just wanted to see you before I went.  But I want you
to know right now that if you need me, or want me to stay just tell me
right now and ill cancel everything without a second thought, just tell me
what you want to do.  And don't think there's any pressure at all, please
just tell me what you want to do.  Anything at all, hell if you want I'll
move back home, and I'll help out anyway you can.  Please just tell me."

      And he looked back at me again, with a little smile on his face and
said "You always knew how to make me feel better, better than anyone else
ever could, but I want you to go on living your own life, I'm going to be
OK, there's no reason what so ever for you to move back home, I'm sure you
are having the time of your life, that's what college is supposed to be
– the best years of your life, not spent with your old man, I'm good I
promise, now lets get your suit case and you can take it back to the dorm
and pack up your stuff for Europe and you can give me the itinerary for
everything."

      I thought about pushing the issue and insisting that I stay and help
him put things back together, but stuck with the original plan to let him
do whatever it is that he wants, but with a small alteration to it.  I was
going to get him to come to Europe with me, just to get him out of here.
So I went along with everything, decided I wasn't going to ask about the
boxes with the stuff in it, that was for another time, I got the feeling
that, a lot of this had been sitting there for quite some time, and he just
hadn't been able to move or do anything.  So we went upstairs to the attic
got out the luggage, and I headed back to my car, asked him if he wanted to
come back with me to the dorm, but to no surprise he said no, and as I
walked out the door I looked back at him and said

      "I love you daddy, I always will now and forever no matter what
happens, I will always love you, and you can always count on me for
anything in the world, all you have to do is say the word and I'll be
here." I kissed him on the cheek, and started towards the car, and he
called to me and said

      "I love you too Mikey, very, very much and you forget that you can
count on me for anything and everything as well, call me when you get back
to your dorm, and if you want I'll drive you to the airport tomorrow and
you can leave your car here."

      The minute I heard him say `Mikey' I knew there was more going on
than I realized, he hadn't called me that in over 10 years if not more.
But it was at that point that I knew exactly what I had to do. He was going
to come to Europe with me whether he liked it or not, and I was definitely
moving back home.  What it would accomplish, I don't know, in all honesty I
wasn't looking for it to accomplish anything more than me being his
support.  (As a side note – I really had actually gotten past the fact
that I wanted him in every way possible.  Granted, I still did want that,
good god did I want it, but now I was at least able to handle it and had
the ability to separate my dreams from reality, and that's what had to be
done.) But with all that in mind, I smiled and nodded at him, and said I'd
call him when I got back to my dorm, and then see him in the morning.  He
smiled and shut the door.

      At that point, I slammed my foot on the accelerator, got back to the
dorm, was on the phone as quickly as possible, bought another plane ticket,
changed the hotel rooms, and altered the itineraries a bit, because, not
only was he coming with me, but he was getting his birthday present as
well.  Once that was taken care of it was off to take care of the next
thing, and that was to close out the dorm for next semester and take the
semester off.  I had a house and a father to rebuild, and there wasn't
going to be one damned thing to stop me. I may not be able to have him as a
lover, but I still needed him in one piece.

      And after all that was done, I called him, and as he picked up the
phone to say hello, I could hear in his voice the sound of a shattered
person, again still really in disbelief as to what happened to him, but I
again told him that I loved him, and also that it was all behind him now,
he was going to rebuild and be OK, and I'd do anything I could to help.
And just before I hung up he said it again "I love you Mikey and thanks for
being my son."  That was it, I packed the suitcase grabbed all the paper
work, that I needed, got back in the car and went back home, at that point
I didn't want to be alone anymore and neither did he, he was just too
damned stubborn to admit it, and he never would.

      As I pulled back up the house again, I could see only one light from
the kitchen coming through the window, and just that light shining through
sent me back to the day that I came out to him and told him everything, and
I wondered if he was sitting there again.  I couldn't decide whether to
ring the door bell or to just use my key, but decided on ringing the bell,
And when he walked up to the door and opened it, the look on his face is
one that I will never forget from there to the day I die and beyond.  And I
just said "I was lonely" and he said "Me too."

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