Date: Sun, 18 Jul 2021 11:16:17 +0000 (UTC)
From: "nilcono@yahoo.com" <nilcono@yahoo.com>
Subject: Visiting My Brother at College 13

"No," Reed says, frowning at me and squeezing my hand tight. "We can. We
can do this, together."

"No, we can't," I sigh. "I don't want to run away from our family and all
of my friends. Even then we'd still have to lie and hide, and I'm sick of
hiding. This isn't working."

"But I love you," he whispers, staring at me like he just learned someone
died.

"I love you too, Reed. More than I thought possible. I've always loved you
as my brother, and recently I've started to love you as... just as you,
but... I feel like we've forgotten to still be brothers along the way."

Reed rolls onto his back and glares at the ceiling, clenching his jaw. "I
should go," he mutters.

"Please don't be mad at me," I beg.

He doesn't say anything just shakes his head, then covers his face with his
hands. When he drops them his face is totally blank, and he rolls off the
bed and starts grabbing his clothes from where they're strewn across the
floor.

"Reed," I say, standing up as he's pulling on his shirt and reaching for
the door. He stops, but doesn't turn back to me. "You're always gonna be my
big brother. I'm always gonna love you."

He presses his forehead against the door and groans, banging his head
twice. Then he turns around, walks back to me, grabs my face with both
hands and kisses me hard. "You're still mine," he sighs. "I just can't be
here right now." He looks me in the eyes and kisses me one more time,
tenderly, then walks out, shutting the door behind him.

I sit down on the bed, staring at the door. I know I'm making the right
decision, but it fucking hurts. Part of me wants desperately to run after
him, to tell him I changed my mind, I only want him. The look on his face
when he kissed me goodbye...

I don't know how long I sit there, second guessing myself and crying, but
eventually I pull myself together enough to wash up in the en suite and put
my clothes back on. Then I sit a little while longer, maybe hoping Reed
will come back, maybe just scared to leave the room because it feels like
then it will be final, then I can't take it back.

But I have to think not about what I'm giving up, but what I'm moving
toward. I love Reed, I always will, but we can't be together the way he
wants, and we both deserve a real relationship, not all of the anger and
jealousy and pain that hiding and trying to have it both ways have brought
us. What I feel for Reed is all mixed up with my love for him as a brother,
and as I told him, that will always be there. Romantic love, though?
There's somewhere else I need to find that. Someone else I want.

It's raining when I walk out of the hotel, the kind of lazy drizzle from
grey skies that's so common here. The weather suits my mood, so I don't
mind walking. There's a trail that cuts through a small wooded park between
the hotel and my neighborhood, and it hasn't been raining long enough to be
muddy yet. I stroll through it slowly, breathing in the smell of the trees
and rain falling on dry earth.

Near the end of the trail, just before the suburban sprawl starts again,
the woods open up into grassy fields, and there's a gazebo with sheltered
benches by the trail. I walk in and sit down on one of them, pulling out my
phone. I find Toby's name in my contacts and call him.

"Dev," Toby answers cheerfully on the second ring. "I've been wanting to
talk to you all day. My nose is gonna be fine, nothing broken, and I swear,
I wasn't doing anything with Kait, she was just drunk and hitting on me."

God, I'd almost forgotten about all of that drama while dealing with my
own, and I feel a little guilty about it. "Hey," I say slowly, "It's fine,
I know, don't worry about it. I'm glad your nose is okay." I pause. "I
wanted to talk to you too."

"Phew," Toby laughs, "I just don't want you thinking I'd mess around behind
your back. Like, I get why Reed was mad, I guess, but it wasn't what it
looked like. Anyway... how was your night? Did you have fun?"

Toby's such a sweet guy, and I can't help smiling a little just talking to
him. Which makes this really hard. "I..." I don't know what to say.

There's a long pause and then Toby whispers, "Is this that call?" When I
still don't say anything he sighs. "Fuck, it is, isn't it? I should've
known it was coming, I just..." He groans in frustration.

"I'm really sorry," I say, "But I think we should break up."

Toby laughs bitterly. "Yeah, no shit, I figured that out already." He
pauses and takes a deep breath. "I just don't get it. I don't understand
why you agreed to date me in the first place. I knew something was wrong,
but you fucking said you liked me, you said you wanted to be my
boyfriend. What the fuck, Devin?"

"I really do like you," I insist, my voice cracking. "It's just the
distance, and..."

He snorts. "Is there another guy?"

"I..." I don't want to lie, but I can't tell him about Reed, and anything
else... "I want there to be."

Toby mutters something I can't hear, then says. "You're a messed up kid,
Devin. I feel bad for the next guy." Ouch.

"I really am sorry, Toby..." I sniff.

There's a long silence, then Toby sighs. "The worst part is I believe
that. It just doesn't help much. Bye, Devin. Maybe... No, fuck that. Just
bye."

He hangs up without waiting for me to reply, and I sit in shock for a
minute. That is not how I expected that to go. I mean, I didn't expect Toby
to be happy, but damn. He's such a sweet guy, but I don't know why I
expected him to be sweet about this too. Maybe he's right, though. I am
messed up, and the way I've treated him has been... bad. But breaking up
with him is part of fixing myself. And he deserves better than someone
distracted by every hot guy. Someone who will really appreciate him enough
to not need anyone else.

Looking around the park I realize, I'm single now. I have no one. Back to
square one, back to that whole Summer between Ryan and Reed, to my whole
life before Ryan. Except now two people I care about are mad at me. I can
only hope it's worth it. It has to be.

I wander the rest of the way home, lost in my own head to the point that I
almost pass my house. Even though the rain is light, my hair is wet and my
hoodie is damp, water dripping to the floor as I take off my shoes.

"Devin? We're just sitting down to dinner," my mom says, coming out of the
kitchen. "Oh, you're soaked. Well, get changed and come back, I made pot
roast."

Fuck. I feel guilty even meeting her eyes after what almost happened with
Dad, and I'm not in the mood for a family dinner. I can't sit there and
pretend I'm okay, or that everything is normal. Not right now. "I'm not
hungry," I mutter.

"Is everything okay?" She asks, her brow furrowing.

I shrug, and then shake my head. "Toby and I broke up," I say. I can at
least give her that.

"Oh honey," she says sympathetically, walking over and wrapping me up in a
hug despite the water still dripping from me. "I'm sorry. Do you want to
talk about it?"

I shake my head again. "I just wanna lie down."

She pulls back and brushes some wet hair from my forehead. "Okay," she
says. "Well, there will be leftovers in the fridge if you get hungry
later."

I nod as she squeezes me one more time before heading back to the kitchen,
and I shuffle to my room while I hear her telling Dad that I'm feeling down
about "boy things." Once inside I take off my wet clothes and ruffle up my
hair with a towel before lying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling.

I keep telling myself I made the right decision, the only decision I could
really make. Reed and Toby will both get over it, they'll be better
off. And I haven't lost Reed. I hope I haven't. I've just lost sex with
him, and we went nearly eighteen years without that, we don't really need
it, do we? Even if it was incredibly good.

I'm scared, though. Because while I know why I had to end things with both
of them, that Reed and I were blurring too many lines and risking too much,
that I just can't be the kind of boyfriend Toby deserves when he's so far
away, I've been avoiding thinking about the next step. Because while those
are perfectly good reasons for breaking up, the truth is I did it for Ben,
and I'm terrified that he won't want me anyway.

No matter what Erica says, I have given him every opportunity to have
me. Today I even told him I'm in love with him, and he still rejected
me. Maybe Reed and Toby were just convenient excuses for him to say
no. Maybe it won't matter that I've made up my mind, that I'm choosing
him. Maybe he'll still say no. And if he does, how do I even look at him
again? After baring my heart to him and asking him to be with me, how can I
pretend I'm okay if he doesn't want the same? Maybe Reed will still want to
run away.

I want to go to him right now, but I'm afraid he won't take me seriously,
like this is a decision I came to suddenly, without thinking about it. Not
to mention that Reed's cum is still inside me, and that would be weird. So
I lay in bed for hours rehearsing what I'm going to say to him, writing and
re-writing grand speeches in my head, and imagining all of the possible
outcomes from those where he jumps for joy and fucks me then and there, to
those where he laughs in my face. I fall asleep with his face filling my
mind, his dazzling eyes, and I dream of green seas and blue skies.

I wake up feeling surprisingly relaxed. I slept more than ten hours, it's
already almost nine, so I must have been more exhausted than I realized. It
doesn't take long to remember why, though, and I'm a bit reluctant to leave
my bed. Still, I manage to force myself up and into the shower. I'm scared,
but determined.

When I head to the kitchen for a quick breakfast I find my mom sitting at
the table, sipping tea and working on a crossword puzzle.

"Morning, dear," she says, smiling softly as I take the seat across from
her. "Feeling any better today?" I shrug. "Want to talk about it?"

"I dunno," I mumble.

"Toby seemed like a nice boy," she says. "I'm sorry it didn't work out with
him."

"It's okay," I shrug again. "I broke up with him. The distance wasn't
working."

"Is that all? I guess at your age going a week without seeing each other
must seem like a lot."

"Well," I start, biting my lip. "I'm also kind of planning on asking Ben
out."

"Oh," she says, trying and failing to hide a smile by taking a sip of tea.

"What?" I ask.

"Well, it's about time, isn't it?" She says. "I just assumed he must be
straight, or you'd be together already."

"I don't know, I guess I assumed he was too, but it turns out maybe he's
not?"

"Mm," she nods slowly. "Do you remember what you told me your first day of
kindergarten?" She grins.

"Uhh, no."

"You hopped in the car and the first thing out of your mouth was, 'I met a
boy with two different colored eyes and someday I'm gonna marry him.'" She
laughs loudly. "Of course back then you also said you were going to marry
Reed, and your father," Oh God, if only she knew, "and for a year or so you
were going to marry Jesse McCartney."

"Oh my God," I groan, blushing. "How did you not laugh when I came out?"

"It took a lot of restraint," she says, laughing again.

She keeps teasing me while I prepare and eat a bowl of cereal, reminding me
of all my apparently obvious childhood crushes. I didn't even know I was
gay until I was twelve, but apparently my mom had figured it out years
earlier.

On the plus side, her teasing actually settles my nerves a little, and even
though the cereal isn't sitting very well, I don't think it's coming back
up either. Mom lets me go with a quick hug and a "good luck," and then I'm
out the door.

Ben's house is a good thirty minute walk, but I don't mind, it gives me
time to rehearse what I'm going to say. I run it over in my head several
times, composing an epic speech that's bound to convince him to give me a
shot, until I'm in his neighborhood, looking at his front door.

Fuck. I'm all sweaty, and my hair is probably a mess after walking here,
and that front door is terrifying. I take a few deep breaths, comb my
fingers through my hair so that hopefully it looks okay, and then force
myself to walk in.

Ben's mom is sitting in the living room reading a book when I walk in, and
just glances up while I'm taking my shoes off. "Oh, hi Devin," she says,
already looking back at her book. "Ben's probably in his room, go on up."

"Thanks, Nancy," I nod to her but she's not looking anymore. As momentous
as this feels to me, my dropping by unannounced is so common it's hardly
worth noticing. I've probably spent as much time in Ben's house as my
own. So it's almost weird how something so ordinary can seem so scary.

I climb the stairs and walk down the hall to Ben's room, pausing outside
for a second. Should I knock? I don't usually knock, but what if he's
naked, or what if he doesn't want to see me? I hesitate and end up going
for a pathetic, stuttering tap, like my hand doesn't know how to knock on a
door anymore.

"Yeah?" Ben yells through the door.

"It's me," I call back.

There's a couple of seconds of silence and my stomach clenches before he
says, "Okay. Um, come in?"

Ben's sitting on the end of his bed when I walk in, a Playstation
controller next to him, and I've totally forgotten everything I wanted to
say because he's only wearing boxers, and there's so much toned, tanned
flesh on display, and he's biting his lip and looking up at me through his
hair, and I just want to kiss him.

"Umm," he says, and I realize I've just been standing and staring at him
for an awkward length of time now. "Hey."

"Hey," I say, shaking my head and trying to remember what I wanted to
say. "I ended things with Toby. And Reed." He's still just looking up at me
and chewing his lip, so I step closer and reach out, pulling his lip free
from his teeth with my thumb. That's a bad habit. "Marry me." Wait, what?
That definitely wasn't in the rehearsed speech. Mom got in my head.

"What?" Ben asks, wide-eyed.

"Fuck me," I groan, "No, I mean, date me, or something, just... I want
you. I figured it out. Please, let's try."

He reaches up and takes my hand which had been resting on his cheek, and
squeezes it. "Are you sure?"

I can't help but laugh. "Yeah, Ben. Definitely. According to my mom, I've
been sure since the day we met."

"Okay," he says, pulling me down to sit next to him. "We can try."

I grin and slowly he starts to smile at me too, then laughs and shakes his
head. "So, what now?" He asks.

I grin even wider and shrug. "Wanna make out?"

He blushes and chuckles, then nods. "Okay."

I lean in slowly, and just press my lips to his. He makes a low sound in
the back of his throat, vibrating his lips, which are surprisingly soft
considering how much he bites them. I take a moment to just marvel at the
fact that I'm kissing Ben. Ben is letting me kiss him. I cup his jaw with
one hand and deepen the kiss, probing between his lips with my tongue, and
he opens up to let me in. He tastes like spearmint and he keeps making
these small sounds, little hints that he likes this. It's so cute.

When I start to pull back he makes a little plaintive noise and follows me,
holding the back of my head and kissing me more intensely. I stroke his jaw
and neck while we kiss, reveling in the fact that I finally get to touch
him like this. Eventually he pulls back, breathing heavily, and stares into
my eyes for a long moment.

"Do you want to fuck me?" I blurt out, because I'm so fucking hard right
now, and I've been wanting this for so long.

He swallows hard and licks his lips, his eyes flickering between my own
lips and my eyes. "Umm," he whispers, "I haven't really done anything
before and... well, can we... take it slow?"

"Never?" I ask, scrunching my eyebrows. "What about Rachel Jones last year
at prom?"

He looks off to the side and mutters, "I kinda lied about that... We
kissed, and she tried to give me a handjob, but I wasn't really feeling
it."

I look down and see that he's definitely hard under his boxers, and I reach
over to stroke him a few times through the cloth. He's a good handful, and
as I pump his shaft lightly he groans and a spot of precum appears on his
boxers. I smile at him. "You seem to be feeling it now."

He laughs and looks back at me, saying softly, "Yeah," and leaning forward
to kiss me again. He kisses me through groans and whimpers while I tease
his cock, just slowly trailing my fingertips up and down. God, he's so
responsive, and every sound he makes goes straight to my dick, which is
straining against my jeans at this point.

I slip my hand under his waistband and wrap my hand around him directly,
causing him to gasp and break the kiss. "Is this okay?" I murmur against
his lips, praying he'll say yes. His cock is so hard and the skin is so
smooth, and the heat is incredible.

He nods, our noses brushing, and breathes, "Yeah." He's rocking his hips
gently, helping me slide my hand up and down his shaft. "Just..." He makes
another cute little moan. "We're a little uneven."

He reaches down to my waist and starts fumbling with the button on my
jeans, but he's not looking and his hands are shaking so he's really not
making any progress. I laugh and kiss him softly. "I'll take care of it."

I stand up and pull my shirt off, then take off my jeans and boxers
together, and finally remove my socks. Ben sits and watches me the whole
time, his mouth hanging slightly open. When I'm fully naked and he's
staring at my cock sticking straight out in front of me, I grin and jerk
myself a few times, slowly slipping my foreskin back and forth. I clear my
throat and he looks up at my face, a smile playing at his lips. "We're
uneven again," I tease him, kneeling on the floor between his legs.

He bites his lower lip again when I reach for his waistband and pull his
boxers down. My heart is pounding. Ever since I knew I liked dicks, I've
wanted to see this one, and now I can. It's nothing special, really, it's
about average, six inches or so, uncut, with a slight upward curve and
low-hanging balls covered in light golden hair. It's paler than most of his
skin, aside from the dark purple head just peeking out from his foreskin,
and the whole shaft is shiny with precum. It's Ben's, though. It's perfect.

I glance up at him as I slip his boxers off his feet, and he opens his
mouth as if to say something, closes it, then bends down to kiss me,
gripping my shoulders and pulling me up. He scoots back a little on the
bed, and moves his hands to my waist, urging me to straddle his legs. I end
up kneeling on the edge of the bed, our cocks pressed together, our arms
wrapped around each other, while we make out.

The sensation is almost overwhelming, feeling him, tasting him, hearing his
sweet moans and whimpers. He's hot and slick all over, firm, and strong,
and gentle, and insistent. Before long he falls back onto the bed, taking
me with him, and we roll around together, our legs dangling off the edge of
the bed, both of us thrusting against one another.

He has me underneath him, my back against the bed, when he groans, stops
kissing me, and tilts his head back. "Oh fuck, Dev," he grunts, forcefully
grinding his cock against mine, before his whole body seems to convulse,
his abs and pecs clenching against me, and I feel him erupt onto my
belly. His cum feels thick, squishing between us as he continues to shudder
and thrust. There's so much of it and it seems to keep coming for so
long. Just feeling our cocks rubbing together through that mess of cum, and
looking up at his face, his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth wide open like
he's screaming without sound, it almost enough to make me cum too.

Just when I think I'm about to blow my own load he gives a final shudder
and stops moving his hips, just resting. After a moment he lifts himself up
on his arms and looks back down at me, his mouth still hanging open but a
dazed smile in his eyes. I'm sure I'm smiling back, but I'm sort of lost in
the blue and green, in his flushed cheeks and the bead of sweat on the tip
of his nose, in his crooked canine and his red lips. I don't know how long
we gaze at each other before he gently brings those lips to mine.

As we start to kiss again he lifts his hips slightly and reaches down
between us, taking my cock in his hand, and that's all it takes. After
seeing and feeling him cum, with our lips locked just the touch of his
roughly calloused hand is enough to make me bust, and he tentatively milks
me through my own orgasm. I don't cum as much as him, and I don't move as
much when I do, but it's powerful, rippling through my whole body, like a
shot of vodka it spreads from my belly to my fingertips, an intense heat
that makes me shiver.

Ben kisses me through it, and as the orgasm fades the heat remains, burning
in my chest and in my cheeks. It feels like I'm overflowing, and I think
I'm crying. Ben leans back when I sniffle, and brushes under by eyes with
one finger. "Shit, Dev," he whispers, "Are you okay?"

I nod, squeezing my eyes shut and laughing a little hysterically. "Yeah," I
croak. "Just really happy, I think." I open my eyes to see him grinning
down at me.

"Yeah," he sighs, and takes my face in both hands before leaning in to kiss
me again.

I burst into laughter again and he pulls back, looking confused for a
moment, until I swipe my hand across my cheek where he's just smeared a
huge glob of cum. He laughs too then, and sits up, straddling my thighs to
look down between us. I lift my head to peer down my chest, and it looks
like someone has dumped half a shampoo bottle on my belly and cock.

"Wow," I chuckle. "Do you always shoot that much?"

"Umm," Ben giggles. "Not quite, but close."

"Wow," I say again, running my fingers through the thick puddles. "Maybe
next time we'll find somewhere else to put it, and avoid the mess."

He bites his lip and blushes, looking away, and I reach up and smear some
cum on his cheek. He laughs and jumps up, and I follow him. "No, no, no,"
he says, backing away from me as I stalk toward him, cum-covered hand held
out in front of me.

"There's no escaping my revenge," I taunt him, and lunge forward, catching
his arm and pulling him toward me. He's stronger than me, he could resist
if he wanted, but he grins and lets me haul him in, lets me wrap my arms
around him and squeeze him against me. Standing up, I have to tilt my head
up a little to meet his eyes, but I don't mind, and I don't mind stretching
a little to lick off the cum I smeared on his cheek. I meet his eyes again
as I swallow it.

He blushes even more and giggles, and it's so fucking adorable I can hardly
take it, I have to hide my face in the crook of his neck, and he lets me,
gently caressing my back.

We stand there for at least a few minutes, just embracing and breathing
each other in, before he kisses the top of my head and mutters, "We should
clean up."

I sigh and let go of him, taking a step back. "Yeah, okay."

He walks to his closet and grabs a towel from the floor, and I admire his
lithe form and firm ass while he bends over. He catches me watching and
just grins, he's hardly stopped grinning since he came, and he sort of
saunters back, clearly flexing a bit as he sensually wipes the towel down
his chest and over his abs, then grips his not-quite-soft cock through it,
almost jerking himself off a step away from me.

"Don't make me jump you again," I say, and he just grins and takes another
step forward, leaning in to peck me on the lips as he starts to wipe me
down too.

When we're both reasonably clean, although honestly I'll probably need
another shower to be really clean, he kisses me one more time before
stepping back and slipping his boxers back on. Reluctantly I do the same,
and he sits on the bed and pats the spot next to him, so I join him there.

He takes my hand and holds it in his lap, and smiles down at it. His lips
keep twitching, like he might smile bigger, or open his mouth to say
something, and he caresses the back of my hand with his thumb.

"That was a good first try, right?" I ask, to break the silence. I'm pretty
sure I already know the answer, because there's no way he didn't love that
as much as I did. That was some of the most mind-blowing sex of my life,
and we didn't even really have sex.

"Yeah," Ben says, and bites his lip. "Definitely worth a repeat, but..."

"But?" I ask, suddenly worried.

"Just..." Ben says, glancing up and meeting my eyes for a moment before he
looks away again. "And don't be mad, but..." He bites his lip again.

"Ben, what is it?" I probably sound a little desperate.

"Like, that was amazing," he says quickly, "And I want to do more, but..."

"Oh my God, just say it," I groan.

He huffs and twists around to face me, folding one leg underneath
him. "Okay, just, don't take it the wrong way, but I don't want to have sex
yet. Or maybe for a while."

"Oh," I say, relieved but confused why he would think I would take that the
wrong way or be mad. "That's fine, we can do this however you want, Ben."

"Yeah?" He asks, shyly.

"Of course, why not?"

He shrugs. "You... Well, I don't want to be like... See, you're going to be
mad..." He looks away and pauses again, until I punch him in the
shoulder. "Hey, oww!"

"See, I'm already mad, so just say what you're going to say," I say,
rolling my eyes.

"Fine," he grumbles. "It's just that you always, like, just have sex."

"Huh?"

"Like, every guy you've been with, you have sex, and that's it. And... I
don't want this to be that. I want to have a real relationship, and, like,
build up to sex. I want to go on dates, and..." He pauses and lowers his
voice, blushing. "Cuddle... and stuff."

I should probably be... not mad, but insulted, maybe. Or at least
embarrassed. And I guess I am, but at the same time, I think I already
agreed with him. That's why I'm here. I've never taken sex seriously, and
I've never taken a relationship seriously, and I don't want to be like that
with Ben. I gave up Reed, I gave up Toby, I'm all in. I want the storybook
romance, the real deal.

"Ben," I whisper, cupping his cheek. "Me too. Look at me." He lifts his
eyes to meet mine. "I love you, so fucking much. I want it all with you,
cuddles and candles and whatever sappy shit you can think of."

He smiles, and ducks his head again for a moment before wrapping his arms
around me and pulling me into a hug. "Good."

And so we cuddle, migrating up the bed until we're lying next to each
other, and we spend most of the rest of the day wrapped around each other
in various configurations, sometimes talking and giggling, sometimes just
relaxing. I play with his fingers, and count the hairs around each of his
nipples, and he traces constellations in the freckles on my chest, giving
them names, and it's perfect.

Later, I'm sitting between his legs while he wraps his arms around me and
rests his chin on my shoulder, and we're taking turns playing video
games. It's his turn, so he's holding the controller in front of me, his
chest plastered to my back, while I rest my hands on his thighs. I close my
eyes and sigh, and I feel him kiss me on the cheek, and I decide: I could
do this forever. I hope I will.

-----

All right, there's chapter 13. I hope everyone will like it, although I
know some will be disappointed with Devin's choice. I get that, but I
struggled with what should happen for a long time, and this was the only
choice that made sense to me.

There will be one more chapter to wrap up Devin's story, though it likely
won't be out until the end of August. I would also like to announce that
after Devin's story is finished, I have plans for a sequel which will
alternate POVs between Reed and Toby. Devin and Gavin may make some
appearances as that story goes on, so some of the things people have hoped
for that didn't make it into Devin's story could possibly still happen in
the future.

Feedback is appreciated, as always. Hearing from readers is the only
payment writers here get, so if you like a story, let the author know, we
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