Date: Fri, 6 Jul 2018 21:38:51 +0100
From: Mark Lin <parabolic.spectrum@gmail.com>
Subject: White Smiles and Burning Youth, Chapter 4

Hello dear reader, This is part 4 of a story about a father, his sons, and
the intersection of their lives. In the last part (which, for some reason,
got WAY more responses), we took a peek at the father's sexuality. This
chapter explores his complex character more in depth. It's long, it's a lot
of character building, a lot of emotional investment. This might not be the
best chapter if you wanted a sexual climax. But nevertheless, enjoy!

------

Chapter 4

A beep from Benjamin's phone woke him up. He opened his eyes fully, staring
at the ceiling, unblinking, fully awake. He laid there as his chest rose
and fell slowly. His head was spinning with thoughts, still processing what
he saw last night.

He still doesn't know why he hid behind the door and watched. He doesn't
know what to do. He wanted to confront his father, but it's too hard to
talk about it, to make it all real. He couldn't talk to Katie. Not at least
when his dad haven't had a chance to speak for himself. Katie wouldn't have
believed it. He still doesn't believe it.

What about mom? How can dad do this to her? Is dad actually gay? That can't
be. Or maybe he is? And mom knows all along? Benjamin shook his head and
knotted his eyebrows, his eyes shut firmly, as if to squeeze thoughts out
of his head.

Is that why Charlie comes over so much? Is that why dad is so friendly to
him? The thought made Benjamin feel sick. How long has this been going on?

Benjamin kicked the duvet off of his body impatiently. He needed to get out
of bed. Do something to distract himself.

He put on his jogging shorts and threw on a t-shirt, and then headed down
the stairs, his eyes avoiding his parents' bedroom.

"Morning Ben," Benjamin heard his dad say when he reached the foot of the
stairs. "Breakfast is ready in three..."

"I'm not going to have any," Benjamin said with his back facing the
kitchen. "I'm going to go for a run."

"Uh... okay!" His dad's voice trailed him as he stepped out of the front
door.

-----------

Benjamin jogged past rows and rows of houses. Their lawns were scorched by
the ruthless sun of the past week, save the few that had gone through the
mad effort to install sprinklers for that tiny patch of green. He continued
to a little park, largely unmaintained, that followed a small stream. The
trees grew undisturbed, without order. Fallen branches laid with wild
grass, weeds growing as they please. There were few people there, and even
fewer still as Benjamin ventured deeper. He jogged close to the water, the
stream running over boulders and pebbles. His lungs ached, and he slowed
down to a walk. As his breath slowed, he could hear no one but himself.

He sat on a large boulder just by the side of the water and looked into the
distance. Just as in the morning, Benjamin didn't know what to do, or how
to think. Then, a sudden emotion overwhelmed him.

He choked as tears began to blur his vision. His chest heaved in bursts,
uncontrollably, and more tears flooded down. His nose was running, and he
gasped for air, only to have it pushed out of his throat again.

He felt anger. He felt fear. He was unsure what it all meant. And he felt
guilt, for not doing anything, or saying anything. And for how he, in a
twisted way, enjoyed what he saw.

That thought spurred another choking flood of tears. He loved his father,
admired him, and now, he's not sure. Not sure if he still admired him, or
if he had discovered he loved his father in a way that would have been
unspeakable to anyone.

And for the first time, Benjamin felt truly alone. It was more or less the
first thing in his life that he couldn't say to either his dad or to Matt.
Though the air was warm, a certain frosted barrenness was what Benjamin
felt inside. He was burning with a mix of emotions. He felt, deeply and
strongly.

Slowly, Benjamin picked himself up, his crying slowed to deep breathes. He
started walking towards home. He wiped at his wet face, cleared his throat.
His face blank.

-----------

Benjamin hadn't been his usual self for days, so the way through to saying
goodbye to Matt. Matt was heading back to work again. When he was leaving,
Benjamin looked on as Matt climbed into his car. Matt looked at his little
brother, and could read something was wrong. He climbed out again, walking
up to Benjamin, who stood close to the front door.

"Hey buddy," Matt looked worryingly at Benjamin. "You know you'll see me
soon, yeah?"

Benjamin nodded, silent.

"I'll visit you all the time when you are at university. Or whenever you
want me there, just call me up, okay? I'll be there for you." Matt assured
Benjamin, his hands on Benjamin's shoulders.

"Okay. Thanks Matt, that'll be great." Benjamin said softly.

"If this is about..." Matt lowered his voice, leaning closer to Benjamin's
ear, "That night, after we went out... I didn't mean to, you know -"

"It's not that," Benjamin cut him off, his face blushed a little. "It's
really not. That was cool, Matt, I liked that."

"Okay," Matt said, a little relieved, "if there's something wrong, you know
you can tell me, right?"

"Of course."

Matt paused a little. He knows his little brother was troubled by
something, but he wasn't getting it out of him. He gave Benjamin a last
little hug, before he stepped back into his car, turning on the ignition.
He waved at Richard and Elise, who looked on from inside the house, as he
backed onto the road.

------------

Richard could feel some distance that he'd not felt before with his younger
son. He would have put it down to teenage hormones, but he knew this time
it's different. The boy appeared down, but when he spoke to his father,
Richard could have sworn seeing, from time to time, a hint of fear.

He'd tried probing, cheering him up, and talking about university to him,
trying to ease the daunting prospect of moving away from his family for the
first time. None of that seemed to have helped. The elusive source of his
son's mood continued to trouble him, and he too was starting to feel down,
at his failure.

It felt grey, and chilly, despite the summer. Elise caught him absent
minded, but she hadn't figured out anything was wrong. Why would she? Their
son never looked at her like that.

She, for all she had seen, thought Richard was the one behaving strangely.
When he made love to her, she didn't feel his presence. When he was
troubled in thought, she thought it was her that had troubled him. And of
course, the dark secret lurking inside him made it even more difficult to
open up with her, to return to his usual warmth.

When she had finally been convinced she was not the source of his ills, she
asked if he was feeling gloomy from their second son's impending departure.
He nodded, and gave a "I guess so". She latched onto that explanation,
finding comfort in some sort of an answer. She embraced him, and leaned him
into her. Richard felt her gentle hands running across his hair, and
starred on into the blankness.

---------

Weeks flew by, and Benjamin had little by little gathered his belongings to
head off to campus. Richard watched with growing anxiousness and
exasperation that he'd let his son go with such a distance between them. He
looked almost pleadingly at his son at times, begging for him to come back.
He was angry, and scared, and hurt and confused.

Benjamin felt his dad's eyes. Maybe he's sorry. Maybe he doesn't know what
he'd done. But Benjamin couldn't bring himself to confront his dad. It
wasn't his responsibility to question his dad, it was his dad's to
apologise. With his mom in the house, he felt like he was going to burst
with guilt. But he knew that what he buried inside him would destroy the
family.

And so, the last night before Benjamin would leave for university rolled
around. The family of four, Matt not being there, ate in near silence. Eyes
darted around, gazes quickly broke.

As everyone moved away from the table, Elise put her hands on Richard's
shoulders. She moved her mouth closer to Richard's ear.

"I'm going to leave you boys alone." She whispered, "I think you need some
time."

Richard looked appreciatively into his wife's eyes. Elise gave him a quick
grin.

"Katie!" Elise called her daughter. "Let's go for a little stroll."

"Mom, I-"

"It's, nice, out." Elise enunciated.

Katie got the message, and quietly followed her mother. The door closed
shut. The house fell silent.

"Hey, uh, want to watch Gone With the Wind? Hope you still haven't grown
bored of it." Richard started after a while, breaking the silence.

"Yea, alright." Benjamin looked at his father, trying to ignore the
awkwardness he felt.

"Okay... Why don't you bring the beers over. Your mom wouldn't have
approved me drinking with you, but it's... a special occasion." Richard
said as he looked through a small collection of disks.

Benjamin lifted a case of Heineken over to the coffee table, and sank into
the sofa. He waited as his father turned on the television and started the
film.

"Here," his dad hands him an opened bottle.

The two men watched the film, as they have done so many times before.
Benjamin felt more and more as the film went on, that this, now, was the
end of an era, the last time he'd just be a kid with dad, watching this
favourite film of theirs.

Silently, tears rolled down Benjamin's eyes. Just one drop, then, just
another. Benjamin wiped at his eyes.

"Hey," Richard looked at his son, and noticed his reddened eyes, "You
alright Ben?"

Benjamin rubbed his eyes quickly, not looking at his dad. He then lifted
the bottle and tilted it back.

"Hey..." His dad sat up on the sofa, his hand placed on Benjamin's
shoulder. At his touch, Benjamin felt all the emotions from the past few
weeks erupt. He sobs.

"Hey hey hey... It's okay," His dad embraced him as he sobbed violently,
"I'm here Ben, I'm here..."

Benjamin felt his dad's hand gently caressing his head. He felt his head
spinning, drunk from the bottles of beer before him. He felt warm, his own
blood hot, and his father's beating heart pumped heat all around him. He
felt safe, and for a moment, he felt he had his dad back. He slowly
breathed normally again.

"Ben... These past few weeks... I don't know what happened, but I can
see... I mean..." His voice started to crack, "Ben I just wish you can tell
me what's wrong. I don't want you to leave me like this. "

Benjamin sat up, leaving his dad's embrace. The anger came back, white hot
inside him, and he starred at the wall. "I saw you with Charlie that
night."

Richard froze. His heart sank. No one was supposed to see that.

Benjamin picked up another beer.

"Ben, I-" Richard stuttered. "It's really not--let me expl-"

"How could you do that dad?!" Benjamin stood up abruptly, slamming the
bottle down loudly on the table, burning with rage. "How could you do that
to mom? How could you do that to Katie?" Benjamin shouted at his father.

His father buried his face in this hands, unable to meet his son's stare.
He was swallowed up with guilt, and a terrible terrible shame.

"Answer me!" Benjamin shouted, his voice trembling as tears came again.
"Have you done it all this time?"

"No Ben, it was a mistake." His dad said with his face still in his hands,
his head shaking slowly. "That was the only time I gave in."

"Gave in?" Benjamin continued to interrogate his dad. "To what? To a boy's
ass?" He was furious.

"All my life dad, you were my hero, and now..." Tears were streaming down
Benjamin's face, his heart truly broken, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"

His dad lowered his hands, and looked up at his shaking mess of a son. His
dad's eyes were glistening, with tears just dangling at the edge.

"I made a mistake, Ben. I know it's hard to forgive me, but please try to
understand just a little bit."

"It doesn't make it right, at all, but... Your mom's away three days out of
five, and... She's your mother, I adore her, and respect her... Please! I
know what you are thinking," His dad stopped him from interrupting, holding
up a hand as if to stop a blow from landing on his face.

"I love her and respect her, which is why it's so hard to... People are
weird Ben, and I... I am too. Sometimes you just don't feel like making
love, you feel this primitive rage inside you, you just want to release it,
to punish someone. I can't let that darkness be near your mom..." His dad
looked at him with pleading eyes, desperate that he would understand.

"So you want to punish skinny boys?" Benjamin shook with rage, and tore at
his shirt. "You see someone like me and you want to make them feel
punished? Huh?" Benjamin started pulling his jeans down.

"Ben, what are you..." His dad moved towards him. Benjamin pushed
forcefully at his chest, knocking him off balance.

"Tell me!" Benjamin dropped his underwear, standing naked in front of his
dad, shaking.

"Ben..." his dad tried to calm him down, moving towards him again slowly.

"TELL ME!!" Benjamin yelled though his tears, grabbing his father's
buttoned shirt and pulled forcefully. Buttons flew in all directions and
the sound a sharp tear was heard.

The two men stood. Richard froze, looking towards his son, his eyes filled
with sadness. Benjamin sobbed, kneeled, and then collapsed onto the floor.

Richard knelled down beside his sobbing son, not saying anything. He
hovered his hand over his son, and then let it drop again.

"Ben. I made a mistake. No matter what I am deep down, I should not have
done what I've done. I could say to you that he came onto me, or whatever,
but I know that doesn't mean shit. I was selfish, and it was hurtful.
Nothing I can say or do now will make it right." Benjamin heard his dad
say, more calmly than a moment ago.

"It was the only time I've done something like this, and I'm sorry that you
had to see me at my worst. I didn't tell your mom or Katie because I know
it won't happen again. I know it, Ben, and I hope you understand what I
mean. People make mistakes, some big, like mine, but they learn to not make
them again. I love your mom, I love Katie, and I love you, Ben. I don't
want to lose any of this."

"I don't ever want to lose you, Ben. "

"I'm not perfect, far from it, and I'm sorry that I disappointed you. Maybe
you will eventually be able to forgive me, maybe you never could. But I
love you Ben, no matter what. Please know that, wherever you go."

Richard fell silent. Benjamin would not look at him. He heard his dad
breathing deeply, and then sighing.

"I'm sorry Ben."

He heard his dad stand up, and suddenly he leaped to grab at his dad's
ankle.

"Ben..." his dad said softly, startled.

"I-... I love you dad." Benjamin burst into tears once more. "I'm.. sorry..
I didn't... Mean..."

He felt his dad's strong hands reach under him and lifted him up. In that
moment, he didn't feel like a man about to take on the world outside, he
felt just as his dad's little boy. He could feel no orientation, as his
drunken head spun.

He was carried to the sofa once more, and was proped up against his
father's right side. He slowly stabilised his emotions, and breathed
evenly. He could still feel his head throbbing, swollen by the bottles of
beer he just had. They sat silently, with his dad's hand cupping his head.

"Well," his dad said after a while, "that was a strong rip."

He poked at the lose ends at where the fabric of his buttoned shirt tore.
Benjamin choked up a short laughter.

"Let me get rid of this junk." His dad said, as he took off the torn shirt.
It flew to the floor a little distance away. Benjamin put his head down
again, against his dad's chest.

"Dad," Benjamin said after a while, "I'm sorry I shouted at you." He
wrapped his right hand around his dad's left shoulder.

"I more than deserved it."

"I'm sorry anyway." He moved his hand down towards his dad's rib cage,
giving him a sideway hug. His dad let out a sigh, his chest falling slowly.
They sat in silence, in peace.

"I'm also sorry that I tore my clothes off like a madman." Benjamin said
after a little while, lifting his right hand and drew circles on his dad's
chest.

His dad let out a short chuckle, and kissed him on the head. He could smell
the intoxication in his dad.

"I get what you said though." Benjamin said softly, his fingertips
continued to drag across his dad's bare torso.

"Hmm?"

"You know, the dark side..." Benjamin rested his palm on his dad's chest.
"I think I'm kinda the same."

His dad grinned cautiously, "like father like son eh?"

His hand travelled down to his dad's stomach, and rubbed in a gentle
circular motion. Benjamin grinned. "Like father, like son."

His dad tensed up, suddenly aware of his son's touch. They locked eyes,
with his dad looking alarmed, but also hazy from the drink. Benjamin looked
at ease.

"Uh, Ben..." His dad said as his hands moved just close enough to the
waistband of his dad's underwear, resting just above the top of his blue
jeans.

"Don't say anything." Benjamin said with a low voice. He kept his hands
there. He could hear the stronger, faster heartbeat through his dad's
chest. They locked eyes again, unsure of what they want or what is
happening.

Benjamin slid his hand down further, into his dad's briefs.

"Ben," his dad pleaded, "Ben, no." His dad moved his arms to try to stop
what he was doing. He used his free hand to push his dad's arm away.

"Stop." Benjamin said. "I know how you are feeling about this."

His dad froze at these words. Benjamin continued to extend his fingers,
until it came into contact with a warm, soft member. His dad swallowed.

He grasped it with his fingers, and felt a minor shock go through his dad's
body. He carefully, slowly moved his hands, peeling the foreskin back.

His dad let his right arm wide, grasping the back of the sofa tight. He
felt the soft member twitch and grow, as he fumbled in his dad's briefs.

"Mhmm..." His dad groaned softly. Benjamin looked up and saw his dad's gaze
trained intensely on on his growing manhood. Benjamin could feel he himself
was getting hard too, his cock extended over his left thigh, reaching
towards his dad.

Benjamin continued. His dad was now at full mast, stretching the fabric of
the jeans, struggling to break free. Benjamin undid the buttons and slid
them past his dad's hips. His dad turned his head to look at Benjamin, but
didn't say anything.

Benjamin grabbed onto the elastic band of his dad's underwear. He felt his
heart beating fast, and his own erect penis throbbing hard. He tugged on
the briefs. His dad raised his hips, reluctantly, and the briefs slid to
his knees. His dad leaned forward, his manhood disappearing into him, and
kicked off the briefs.

His dad, now stark naked, sat back against the fabric of the sofa.
Benjamin's eyes never left where his dad's dick is, and as his dad sat
back, it emerged once more, pushing into the sky from his pelvis. It stood
proud, just under 7 inches, slightly thicker, heftier than his own. The
bronzed skin just delicately covered the glans. It was almost just as how
Benjamin remembered it, all those years ago.

His dad was, drunkenly, also checking out the erect cock beside him. Just
like he said, Benjamin's dick grew bigger, and his balls grew bigger. Much
bigger. His dad felt an odd sense of pride, that his son's olive skinned
manhood had grown to such an impressive size, looking even bigger than his
own.

Benjamin placed his hands on his dad's privates, and continued to play with
it. He laid down sideways against his dad's body, the back of his neck
against his dad's chest, his face resting on his dad's flat stomach, his
left hand holding on to his dad's left thigh. He reached his right hand
lower, his fingers teasing his dad's testicles. They were fuller than his
own, and felt heavy. Benjamin held one in his palm, and examined in awe the
organ from which he himself sprang.

His dad breathed with anticipation, his hands gently stroking Benjamin's
locks of wavy black hair. Benjamin could smell the beer in his dad's
breath, and the build up of a manly sweat, eager, and ready. His dad subtly
grinded his hips against the sofa, satisfied by the perverse pleasure of
having the creation of his seed coming back to the source of its inception.
Benjamin continued to move his hands up and down his dad's shaft, as a
clear drop of precum built up at the tip.

Benjamin paused. His head floated gently up and down as his dad's lungs
filled with air and emptied. It looked almost innocent, poetic - the young
man laying with his dad, both naked as they came into this world. Two men,
connected, more than physically, but deep down in their hearts.

Benjamin took a good look at his dad's long, hard pipe, and gulped. His
heart beating faster than ever. He starred at the glistening tip, and moved
his head closer. He closed his eyes. His lips parted, and pressed gently
against the crown his dad's dick.

"Ohhh-mphmm... " His dad groaned loudly in surprise, and his legs tensed
up, stretching out in random directions as if his body doesn't know how to
process the intense feeling. His dad hovered his arm over Benjamin's head,
his fingers spread open, and then he makes a fist and slammed his arm back
against the back of the sofa.

"You like that, dad?" Benjamin said softly.

"Ben..." his dad breathed. Benjamin's mouth lowered again. His dad's cock
pushed into his mouth, grazing his tongue. The salty taste traveled up
Benjamin's nostrils, as Benjamin felt his own heartbeat at the back of his
throat press against his father's throbbing manhood.

"Ahghmmm..." His dad shifted his hips, grinding a little against the sofa.
"Ben... Stop..."

Ben continued, the thickness of his dad's meat filled his mouth. The smell,
and taste, of his father's seed intoxicated him.

"Ben... Ben!" His dad's gentle voice grew firmer.

Benjamin looked up at his dad. He was flushed red, from a mix of
drunkenness, embarrassment, and pleasure. Benjamin starred at his dad as he
stuck out his tongue, gently teasing the tip. He began to look away, when
he felt his dad's hands pushing at his neck.

"Ben... stop." His dad's hands gripped his face, lifting him up. Benjamin
could see panic in his dad's eyes.

"Stop. This is wrong." His dad stood up, still breathing heavily. He lifted
at Benjamin's arms and guided his son up as well.

"We can't be doing this." Richard said.

The two men stood silently facing each other, their eyes level, their faces
close. Both of them still stiff at the groin, their erections pointing at
each other, just fractions of an inch away from touching. Richard looked
intensely at Benjamin.

Benjamin lowered his head.

"We...", Richard said ruefully, "we made a mistake."

Benjamin was silent, continuing to look at his feet. After a pause, he bent
at the knees and picked up the clothes he ripped off from himself earlier
in anger. He bunched them together in his hand.

"I'm sorry dad."

The naked young man turned around. His slim body was lit up by the warm
glow of light. Richard watched his son's compact little buttocks shift as
his son made it to the staircase. Slowly, he disappeared into the dark.

Richard stood frozen at the same spot. He continued to look towards the
spot where his son disappeared. In the silence, he could only hear his own
heart, still pumping furiously.

He put his hand up to cover his face, slumping down onto the sofa.

"Fuck."

------

Hope you found this a gripping read. I always found characters with...
character, depth, and contradictions more easy to feel for. They feel real,
with the same struggles and madness and joy and desire as real people. When
they feel real, you can really immerse yourself into this story, into this
fantasy, and perhaps fantasies of your own. As always, happy to hear from
you at parabolic.spectrum@gmail.com.

To be continued.

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