I walk in a room. The Crawford house is quiet today. That usually means that Mr. and Mrs. Crawford was going to spend the night at the country club. I'd been around the Crawfords long enough to know what their habits were.

 

That is when I hear crying. It's coming from the backroom. When I walk in there I am surprised to see Sissy sitting there crying. Sissy didn't cry. Not ever. That wasn't her thing. It never was. What's even weirder is Carol with her arm over Sissy. Not too far from them, I see August. He has his arms crossed. He's just watching the two girls.

And I'm lost.

"What's happening?" I ask.

 

As I enter the room I see Sissy get a little uncomfortable. She shifts in her seat.

 

"You should sit," Sissy states.

"I don't wanna sit. Sissy, what's happening?"

There is a pause. Sissy's eyes are beaten red. The reddest I'd ever seen them before.

 

"They burnt down the house," Sissy states.

 

My mouth drops open. There is all this apprehension at the moment. I want to ask her if she's lying. I want to actually call her a liar but it would be a waste of time. Sissy's reactions speak for itself. Just at that moment, I feel August grabbing me. He's trying to comfort me. I can tell. He puts his arm around me and attempts to hold me in a way that is far too comfortable.

"Stop..." I state.

"They know," he states, "They know about us..."

I look over at Carol and Sissy. Neither of them seems confused.

 

"We know..." Carol confirms.

 

Out of all of the people hearing that Carol Millwood knew about my sexuality pissed me off. It was clear there was a conversation going on in this room before I came. It was a conversation that I knew I wasn't completely comfortable with.

 

August clearly said something to her. To make it worse he thinks it's OK to push up on me as though we are in private again. I push away from him even harder this time.

 

"What's going on?" I ask him again.

 

I sort of feel betrayed that he's talking to Carol Millwood of all people about us.

 

"They're the same," he states.

"What do you mean?"

There is a pause. No one talks. All of a sudden August with his big mouth seems to be stumbling over his words. I look over at my sister and Carol. That's when I notice it for the first time. I notice how Carol is holding my sister.

 

It's so weird. My sister had never been the type to like people touching her. I remember how many guys tried to get with Sissy. She never gave them the time of day. There were men who would go out of their way to get as close to Sissy as this white girl was at this moment.

 

And then it just hits me.

"You're a lesbian," I state under my breath.

 

None of it makes sense. It was enough thinking about gay men existing in our world but the fact that there were gay women just seemed so interesting as well. My sister was always tough but never really aggressive in a way that would make me think she was so different. Then I notice her holding Carol's hand confirming. She's too distraught to say anything so this white girl confirms it for her.

"We're together," Carol Millwood states.

"I didn't ask you," I respond.

There is so much anger there. She can hear it in my voice. Any other time I would have been so careful about what I said to Carol Millwood. The Millwoods were known throughout the South. They had businesses all through Birmingham.

 

"I know you're upset. I know you think I lied on your friends," Carol starts, "But right now I'm here trying to be supportive."

I stand there confused at what they are saying.

 

"Here's something I'm confused by..." I state, "Sissy, why would your girlfriend be in a bar flirting with my friends."

I dare Carol to admit she was flirting. She could get away with that lie with these white folk but there was no way in hell she would be able to lie to me. I was there. What's weird is she wasn't denying it though. What's weird is there is more silence. More awkwardness.

 

"You ought to tell him," August states.

 

"Tell me what?"

Both girls are quiet. Sissy is hiding behind her tears and Carol is hiding behind comforting her. They were both hiding though.

 

"Tell me what?" I repeat.

 

It's August who says it.

"Carol lied about the rape," he explains.

 

"I knew it. I fucking knew it..."

"It's not that simple," Sissy responds, "Your friends would have done it. They've done it before. They've done it to Lena."

"You're lying..."

"Lena left again," Sissy states, "Have you ever wondered why? You had to be the only one who didn't know why she left so quickly. Or did you know? Did you know what Lonny did to her? Shug and Beau knew. They told Lena not to ever say shit. Couldn't let a black man go down. They gave no fucks about the black woman."

I just feel betrayed at that moment. Sissy knew Lena had gone through this and she never chose to share it with me. Instead, she did something else with this stranger that is here to `support' her. Carol had started an entire shit storm and the fact that she was on my sister's side just blew my mind. I couldn't take this anymore.

 

"You never fuckin' told me?" I ask Sissy.

 

" I didn't want you involved in any of this. I swear. I didn't know any of this was going to go this far and when it did I tried to get you out of here."

I ignore her at this point. She keeps on talking but I can't stick around to keep on listening. There are so many things I wanted to tell her. There are so many ways I wanted to let her know that I felt betrayed but I end up just storming out of the room at that moment.

I storm out as quick as possible.

 

I am the foyer when I feel him standing behind me. I should have known August would follow me out here.

"I just found out myself," August explains to me, "I just found out that it was a lie. I don't know what they were thinking. It's such a dumb idea. This is all much ado about nothing."

I don't know who to be mad at but the fact that August was there right now just made sense to turn my frustration on him.

"Much ado about nothing?" I ask at that moment, "You think this is Shakespeare, white boy? This is my fucking life."

"I'm on your side," he responds, "What your sister did was wrong. But what your friends did were wrong too. You and I are caught in the middle and I don't want this to have a negative effect on us."

"You keep saying us," I state.

 

"It's because I'm trying to speak something into existence that I want," he explains.

He grabs my hand at that moment.

I'm so on edge.

 

"Not now," I state.

 

"I'm on your side. I'm here for you," he keeps swearing, "Now more than ever."

He kisses me at that moment. His tongue is in my mouth. We're pressing each other back and forth at that moment. I have to admit that I want to believe August. I want to believe that there is someone who understands me. I know it's impossible for him to get me completely and the situation I'm in but at least he's here trying. And after all the lies Sissy and my friends have been telling me I didn't want to be alone.

 

As we're kissing the door opens. You would think that would make August push me away, but for some reason, we're lost in our tongues in each other's mouths. We completely ignore the door opening and the footsteps stepping into the room.

 

We turn at the same time and see that it's June and Chuck. They have sweat dripping all over their bodies. It's kind of clear they'd been in the heat all day.

 

June looks over at August and there is this real tension. Out of everyone in this house August seems to be most concerned about what June thinks about him.

"June Bug," he states in almost a whisper.

 

There is real pain there. June gives him a hard stare and shakes really hard before shaking his head desperately, "I can't deal with this right now."

June walks off. He walks off hard. August looks uncomfortable at that moment and I wonder what he's going to do. He looks at me, then looks at the hallway that June just walked down. Then he looks at me again.

He chooses to go down the hallway instead.

 

"Sorry," August responds.

So much for him being on my side. He leaves as soon as there is even the slightest anger by his cousin. I don't know how to feel at that moment. I guess I don't want to be selfish but at the same time, I really needed August at this moment. I needed him to just be present.

 

But he's left me. He's left me with Chuck.

 

"June's just a little upset," he states, "After what happened with Mary."

The fact that Chuck is sitting in this foyer at this moment feeling as though he needed to explain the racial tension in the neighborhood at that moment blinded me.

 

"And I'm the nigger kissing his cousin..." I respond.

 

"I figured you guys were getting close. Is that why you've been avoiding me?"

I roll my eyes, "I can't do this shit with you, Chuck."

I start walking away but Chuck follows me. He grabs me and tries to pull me back to him. I give him a hard stare. There was a point where I liked him being rough with me but things had changed. I had been violated by white people in ways that I didn't think possible. They had just burned down my house.

"I care..."

I roll my eyes, "Where you been?"

"There been rallies after the rape. You know that."

"You mean Klan rallies?" I ask.

 

Chuck gets quiet. He gets real quiet. He stinks of outside. I can almost smell the rage off of him. All Chuck is missing right now is literally a fucking white hood.

 

After a few awkward moments, he finally admits to it, "The clan is in town..."

 

"So you don't think the reason I've avoided you is that you are at Clan rallies? You think the reason I am avoiding you is because of August?"

"What did you think was going to happen after Mary and Carol got attacked?"

"Carols lyin'. She just told me. I swear. I need you to believe me. She is fuckin lying..."

"What about Mary?"

I shake my head. Dammit. He had a point. My friends were completely out of hand. God knows what they would have done to Mary. The tension was real. I want to defend one side but I can't because of what Sissy said about Lena. It changed everything. I'm stuck all of a sudden. I'm stuck in this paradox.

 

Before I can respond Chuck answers me.

 

"These negros are out of hand," he states one time, "They are out of hand."

He says it as though he was still at a rally. He's talking as though he's trying to convince June. There was once a time when June was the nice one. The educated white boy that we used to make fun of because he spent so much time up north. Things had changed. There was so much anger. I can see it in Chuck's eyes at that moment.

 

"You do realize I'm black right?" I ask him showing him my hand as proof.

 

"You're different."

"I'm different?"

 

"You know?" he asks me with a reassuring smile, "You're one of the good ones."

Chuck puts his hand on my face. He's trying to prove that he actually cares about me. Maybe somewhere deep inside he doesn't realize how it feels like to be getting called a "good nigger" in his household. They think of me as the "good Nigger." They, meaning the Crawfords and their friends, have always considered me as the "good Nigger". It wasn't just me. It was me, it was Sissy and it was my momma. I remember being 6 and Mrs. Crawford's was having a dinner party. And I was helping Mama pour out some coffee before the dinner. I remember one of the ladies was so uncomfortable when I came with her purse. It was as though a 6-year-old was only here to make her life worse by stealing her disposable income. But Mrs. Crawford smiles and says, "He's not like the others". And I remember being so proud that this woman thought I was an acceptable Black person who could exist in a White American community.

 

As though her shit didn't stink.

 

"Fuck you," I tell him.

 

And I wasn't just saying that to him. I was saying that to his stupid ass mother and his arrogant father. I was saying it to June, for all of a sudden going from an open white man to reverting back to how he always probably felt about black people. I was saying it to Carol for lying. I was saying it to Mary for knowing in the back of her mind that Carol was probably lying.

 

I don't think he's expecting it because he starts to follow me to the basement trying to understand why I'm mad all of a sudden. He doesn't get far though.

As we get to the basement where I've been staying, I hear a loud thud. It's the loudest thud that I've heard before.

 

Almost immediately I hear Chuck roll down the steps.

 

Someone's hit him!

"Chuck!"

I'm standing there grabbing, shaking him and trying to wake him up but it's clear that he's knocked out. He's laying at the bottom of the stairs. He's not moving for some reason but I notice he's bleeding from the back of the head.

"He'll be alright," a voice states.

I look up the stairs and my mouth gets wide when I see who is standing there. It's Beau. Beau is standing at the top of the stairs. He has a shovel in his hand.

"Beau?"

"These white folk really think they safe, don't they?" he asks with a laugh, "Don't even lock the doors in these powdered ass neighborhoods."

 

Beau's lip is bleeding. He takes a few steps down into the basement. My heart is skipping a beat seeing him standing there. He looks so angry. He looks so pissed.

 

"Beau, what you doing here?"

"What you doing here?" he shoots back.

"I just been staying here... I just been..."

"You been being a good nigger?" he asks, "Heard him call you that a few minutes ago. Then you came with the "fuck you"? You think that's strong enough? You outta kill this cracker! Here. Take this hammer. Show him you a good nigger."

He grabs a hammer from the basement ground and hands it to me. I hold the hammer in my hand. He looks at the hammer and then looks at me. I hold it tighter.

 

"I'll deal with Chuck my own way," I state.

 

He laughs, "Like a good nigger..."

He grunts a few times and kicks Chuck. He kicks him really hard. He kicks him so hard that Chuck squirms in pain and starts to come to himself. Chuck looks up at that moment. He's afraid. He's afraid for his life.

"Wh---what's going on?" Chuck asks.

Chuck looks at Beau and he looks at me. He has these wild eyes as though not understanding what is happening in his world. I can see that he's really panicking with the fact that there is this big black man in his basement.

 

"Gimme the hammer," Beau states.

 

"Beau..."

"Gimme the fucking hammer!"

Beau wrestles the hammer out of my hand at that moment and pushes me. He pushes me hard as he can. He pushes me so hard that I fall to the ground. I look over and see Chuck. The light in the basement is flickering. It goes on and off. On and off. Beau is breathing really hard. Chuck looks scared. Beau is an intimidating figure. He always has been intimidating though. It's clear that not much has changed since then.

 

I try to get back on my feet. If Chuck was sweating back then now he is drenched.

 

"I saw you out there with those white boys," Beau states, "Ain't hard to spot Chuck Crawford standing with the Klan. You didn't even wear a hood. Don't need one. You get a pass. You all do. When you killed the pastor...you all get a pass."

"Beau don't do this."

"He was acting real tough," Beau states, "They act real tough when they are in a group. One on one they don't. Not so tough anymore, huh white boy. What you think Stevie?"

"I don't think shit. I think you need put that hammer down."

"Aight. Here. Here you go white boy. I'll put the hammer right next to you. There. It's right there white boy. Go on. Show me how tough you are. Pick it up. Don't shake. Don't be a bitch now. You were talking all that shit at the rally, weren't you? You were talking all that motherfuckin' shit."

The hammer is right next to Chuck. Chuck is shaking. He's shaking out of fear. Maybe he smells the whiskey off of Beau's breath.

 

"What is this?" Chuck asks.

 

He isn't asking Beau. He's asking me as though I had something to do with this.

"Do it," he states, "Come at me white boy. Pick it up."

"What is this?"

"PICK IT UP CRACKA!"

Just at that moment Beau pulls out a gun. He has the gun pointed at Chuck. My heart drops. Seeing a gun up close and personal was enough to make my heart stop beating altogether. I'm just skipping breaths at that moment scared and terrified about what was going to happen. Before I know it, I'm shaking just like Chuck was. There was a gun. There was a gun and all of a sudden Chuck is crying. Tears are rolling down his eyes like a newborn baby.

"Please don't kill me," Chuck is eagerly begging, "Please. Please don't kill me. I'm begging you. I'll give you anything. My parents got a lot of money. I can make you wealthy. Just don't kill me. Please. Please..."

This tickles Beau. He's finding joy in this. He's finding power. I can see it all in his eyes.

"Look at your white master now," Beau says looking over to me.

It seems as though he's proving something. Maybe it is some sort of validation that he's looking for. Maybe Beau is looking for something more. All I know is that something must have happened. Beau is shocked.

 

"Leave him be," I state.

 

"You're still protecting them. All you care about is them..."

"Like you protected Lonny?" I ask.

 

Beau stops at that moment.

 

He looks over at me.

 

"What?"

"I know what Lonny did to Lena," I explain to Beau, "Lena is my sister. My blood. I should be mad at you just like you are mad, but I'm not. You think Chuck the white devil, what about you? You the black devil, Beau? Is that what you are now?"

Beau shakes his head. He's stubborn. He'll never see any fault in a black man. I can see him now damn near spitting at the idea that Lonny did anything wrong in all of this.

 

Just at that moment, I look past Beau. Right behind him at the top of the stairs, I see someone. The person has made it halfway down the stairs but is peering. I look and notice who it is. It's August. It's clear August sees what's going on.

Beau doesn't notice August is there though. He doesn't notice August is standing there.

 

"I'm sorry about what happened to Lena," Beau states, "You might think I'm an animal, but you know me. You know I made Lonny pay in my own way. But I couldn't let them pigs have him. You know why too. Lonny...has...issues. He needed help."

"That's what trials are for."

"And who would have believed it?" Beau asks, "That there is someone who has a mental disorder. He would have just been another savage nigga to them. That's all he would have been."

I look behind him at August. August looks like he is thinking about coming down. He looks like he's thinking about wrestling the gun from Beau.

He would have lost. I knew Beau. August would have lost and lost that fight bad.

"No!"

"No what?" Beau asks.

 

I go to Beau. I see Chuck shaking still. He's still in Beau's view. He's too afraid to move. He's still crying but then there is August so ready to take action. I grab Beau and put him in a strong hug as hard as I can to distract him from August not too far behind him.

 

"This isn't the time to do this. You kill Chuck, what happens to Shug? That's your little brother. He needs you."

"Shug would want justice."

"Shug would want you guys safe," I argue, "If only Shug were here he'd tell you that now isn't the time to be acting like this either."

Just at that moment I think August gets the idea. He heads back up the stairs slowly. My heart is hoping he doesn't call the cops. My heart is hoping that he goes to get Shug instead to talk Beau off the ledge. Sure, Shug could be a little bit of a spitfire but he knew how to talk his brother off the edge even more than I could. He was the only one would be able to communicate with Beau on a level that he would understand.

 

"You're right," Beau tells me, "Now isn't the time."

"What?"

Had I gotten through to Beau somehow?

"Now isn't the time to kill him. That's too easy. We need to wait until all the Crawfords come home," Beau states holding onto his gun so tight that his hands turn red.

 

To red the other chapter in advance go to www.crushedcrown.com