Date: Tue, 7 Jun 2005 14:29:25 EDT
From: Madasonaysha@aol.com
Subject: The First Year Is The Hardest chapter 1

Disclaimer: You know the rules if your not old enough to read this type  of
material then don't.


This will be a love story as is all of my other stories.  It will contain
interracial themes between a white young man and a black young man during
their first year of college together.  It will be a story with some sexual
scenes, but this WON'T be an erotic tale.  It will be sweet, romantic and
sometimes angst ridden.  Point of views will change and you will take note
of that at the beginning of each chapter You can find the links to all my
stories under prolific author Maddy A. But in case your lazy they all can
be found simultaneously in the high-school and interracial sections and
they are as followed: "Around My Way", The Handsome Jewish Young Man",
"Chase After Me" and "I Hate Anthony".


Join my yahoo group for faster updates on ALL of my stories including  some
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******************************************************************************


		      "THE FIRST YEAR IS THE HARDEST"

				By Maddy A.


			   CHAPTER ONE: MISTAKES

CRAIG :

Why did I tell HER? That was the  question I kept asking myself everyday for
the last two years.  Before and  even after she was my first and only
girlfriend, she had been my best  friend.  For ten years Laura and I did everything
together.  We told  each other secrets, cried on each other's shoulders and
whatever else best  friends did; we did it.  I loved her and she loved me and
there was nothing  in this world that I didn't feel comfortable talking to her
about.....almost.  She was my best friend and your suppose to be able to  trust
them with anything.  Funny how our perception of reality can be  clouded under
the guise of presumed friendship.


It was the summer we were suppose to  start high school.  We were both just
shy of turning fourteen.  Her  birthday is in September and mine was just a few
days away.   Laura  and I had always been the youngest in our class; just one
of the many things  that we had in common. We both stood at exactly five feet
eleven and were  slender.  We were both equal mixtures of Irish and Italian
and had  chocolate brown hair to match our chocolate brown eyes.  Her thick,
long  and curly hair fell down her back, touching just above her waist and I
kept my  dark curly hair cut short.  It had a tendency to get a little "curl crazy
"  and was always brushing into my eyes. Although I was on the thin side I
was  hardly what you would call scrawny.  I wasn't very athletic so I didn't
have much muscle mass at the time, but I did all right for myself.  Laura
though was skin and bones. She could wear a knit sweater and you could still  make
out her ribs.   The girl could eat like a horse, but never would  gain a
pound.  But, she was attractive in a Kate Moss sort of way.   She was an only
child, where as I was stuck being in the middle of an older  brother and younger
sister.  Jeremy is three years older than me and we  used to be close until
Laura opened her big mouth.  Now he hates me.   Cathy was too young to understand
what was going on at the time,  she's  younger than me by nine years so her
love for me has never changed.  My  parents however treated me with just as
much love and warmth as Jeremy.  My  father lives by what I call "three rules of
stupidity. Not only is he an  intolerable racist, but also he was a sexist and
homophobic.  He wasn't  very religious, but that didn't stop him from using
random quotes from the bible  to make his point of views seem right; which may
I add I think he would make the  quotes all  up.  My mother probably could
have been a warm and loving  woman if she didn't follow behind my dad and his
views.  She was an Italian  woman, but the exact opposite of what you would
expect one to be.  She  wasn't commanding or strong willed.  No, she was as
subservient as they  came. If my father would say jump, she would ask `would you
like me to vacuum  first".  That was just how she was and he would have it no
other way.


I dealt with life the best way that I  could.  I was out going, never shy.  I
could walk up to a complete  stranger and start up a conversation and Laura
was the same way.  I  wouldn't call myself popular, but slightly above average.
 I got along with  everyone.  I could float from the preppie's to the Gothic'
s and not bat an  eye.  That's just how I was, but I'm getting off topic.


I remember the day that ended my  friendship with Laura.  We met in the first
grade and had been inseparable  since.  We were three weeks away from
starting our freshman year of high  school.  She was nervous about it, but I couldn't
wait to get there.   I had watched one too many campy teen movies and thought
high school would be  one big party.  How wrong I had been.  It was lazy
August afternoon  and we were in the middle of a heat wave.  My overly cautious
mother  wouldn't let me leave the front porch for fear that I would die of a
heat  stroke.  How funny that sounds saying even today.  How many 13 and  three
quarter's year old kids do you hear of dying from a heat stroke, but again  I
digress.


Laura came over to keep me  company.  It was just she and her father and
sometimes they wouldn't get  along so she often would find solace at my house.
Mr. McNamara was a nice  man, but a little overprotective of her.  Not only was
she his only child,  but it had to have been hard for him raising a girl.  Her
parents were  divorced and her mother was now leaving in Missouri.  Laura wasn
't allowed  to wear make-up or where high heels unless it was a special
occasion.  She  thought it was the most unfair thing in the world, but if it had
been me and my  teenage daughter tried to walk out of the house looking like a
bad clone of a  pop star, I would have treated her the same way.  The only
differences that  we shared were the fact that I enjoyed being young where as
Laura couldn't wait  to get older.  She was in a rush to become a grown-up so she
could do  grown-up things.  I, on the other hand, could wait.  I've always
have  had this fear of growing up and getting out into the real world.  It scared
 me to think that one day I would have to do taxes and pay a car note.  That
sort of thing never appealed to me, but Laura loved the thought of being
independent.


Laura and I were swinging back and  forth on the porch steps as I drunk the
bitter lemonade that she had brought  over. The sun was setting just above the
horizon so the sky was still lit up as  if it was mid-afternoon, but it was
dimming to a bright orange.  The smell  of summertime filled my nostrils.
Summertime smells are kind of mixtures  of grass, flowers and fun.  It's this
addictive aroma that never leaves  you.  You could me smack dab in the middle of
winter and out of no where  the smell could hit you.  You'd close your eyes and
reminisce of summer  days before the smell faded away.  In the distant we
could hear the chatter  of the cicadas as they rattled the trees.  I grew up in a
small Virginia  town; just south west of Richmond, so my town still held the
charming  personality that only country living can give you.  There were maybe
ten  thousand people  that lived there so we weren't completely cut-off from
society, but to outsiders looking in they would have thought of us country
bumpkins, which we weren't.  My town is sandwiched between two cities so if  we
were looking for fun, it was only a twenty minute car ride away.  The  gentle
swaying of the porch swing was making me fall asleep.  I moved over  and laid
my head in her lap.  For all the years that we had been friends, I  always
thought of us as family and we were always affectionate with each  other.  She
ran her fingers though my hair and her soothing motions brought  me to sleep.  I
couldn't have been out for more than three or four minutes  before I felt a
gentle pressure on my lips.  At first I thought I was  dreaming, but then when
I felt the rough wetness of a tongue my eyes flew  open.  I remember pulling
away from her and she looked away like she wanted  to cry.  I didn't know what
to do or say to her so I just went into my  house.  We didn't speak to each
other for the rest of that week.  I  was so confused by everything.  For so many
years I looked at her like my  sister and with one kiss things had changed.
It wasn't that I didn't find  her attractive because I did, but the problem
was I also found Charles Regis and  Danny James attractive.  I didn't know at
the time what to call myself, but  its safe to say that I was a pretty confused
person.  Laura was the one and  only person in this world who understood me,
but I didn't even tell her about my  feelings...I wished I would have kept it
that way.


I couldn't take not having her around  so I mustered up all my courage and
went to her house.  She opened her door  and at first she looked happy to see
me, but that was replaced with anger.   Before I could say anything she started
yelling how lousy she thought I was and  slammed the door in my face.  I must
have stood at her door for five  minutes in shock of what had just happened.
I was about to walk home when  she re-opened the door and yelled for me to
come in.  The angry look on her  face was replaced with hurt.  She confessed that
she had fallen in love  with me the day she met me.  I thought she was being
a little  over-dramatic, but I kept that thought to myself.  She asked me if I
felt  the same and it hurt me to tell her I didn't.  She asked me to kiss
her;  only this time for real and then if I didn't like it she would leave it
alone.  I was grossed out at the thought of kissing her again, but if it  would
bring me my best friend back, then I would.  I closed my eyes and  prepared
myself for what I was sure was going to the most disgusting experience  of my
life.  Her lips touched mine, softly at first and to my surprise it  was kind of
nice.  Her lips were thin and soft with the faint trace of  cherry lip-gloss.
 I applied more pressure and she put her tongue in my  mouth and I didn't
stop her.  Strangely, it was kind of nice.  So  that's how it started, the end of
our friendship and the beginning of the  end.


Laura and I dated for the next two  years straight with our intimacy never
going beyond kissing or heavy petting,  but it wasn`t like she didn`t try.  I
thought it was suppose to be the guy  pressuring the girl for sex, but with her
it was vice-versa.  I was horny  and ready to pop, don`t get me wrong, but I
just didn`t want to have sex with  HER.  I honestly loved her, but I wasn't
in love.  I was attracted to  her, but I was attracted to other boys too.  I
guess I was confused.......until  I met Joel.


It was the last month of school and he  had transferred in from Long Island,
New York.  He was a little taller than  me and stocky in a thick sort of way.
>From the moment I met him I was  attracted to him.  His long black hair fell
down to his shoulders and he  kept it parted down the middle, framing his dark
gray eyes.  He blew into  my small town like a gust of gay wind.  I say gay
wind because he made no  attempt to hide that fact about him.  He never came
out and said he was  gay, but he was effeminate....VERY effeminate.  He walked
with a switch of  the hips, when he talked to you he used his hands to express
himself and he even  spoke with the stereotypical lisp.  I was usually only
attracted to guys  who acted like me; a normal guy, but it was just something
about Joel that made  me want to know him. There were only three weeks of school
left and I had to  make my move fast.  As fucked up as it's going to sound, I
wanted to be his  friend, but I didn't want anyone to know it.  He was VERY gay
and I didn't  want to be considered guilty by association so you can see
where the problem  with that laid.  He was in my algerba2 class and since we had
already taken  finals, our teacher just let us talk all period long.  I was
pretty  popular, but more on the average side and I had a lot of friends who
would talk  to me, but I would find myself looking over at Joel and wishing that I
was  talking to him.  Sometimes he would catch me staring and would blush as
he  looked away.  He had a few friends, but they were all girls.  The  school
year ended and I never got the nerve to talk to him.


The last day of class I found myself  watching Laura and how she acted with
some of her other friends, one in  particular Vincent.  Everyone knew that he
liked her and I thought the she  liked him too.  Where I should have felt
jealousy, I didn't.   I  knew that he could give her what I couldn't.  I made the
decision to break  up with her.  I was expecting some sort of fight.  I guess
it was my  own arrogance that assumed she would break down and cry, begging me
to take her  back and offering to do anything to make it work with us.  To my
surprise  she said, "Yeah, that's a good idea.  But, lets stay friends...best
friends."


A week had past and sure enough she  started dating Vincent.  He was a nice
addition to our little group of  friends, but there was something about him
that I didn't trust.    Maybe it was his long, stringy blonde hair or the glint
in his blue  eyes.   Maybe it was his personality.  He was your everyday
football jock and he had the arrogance to go with it.  I kept my thoughts  to
myself though since for the most part he seemed okay. Our group was made up  of six
other guys and two girls.  It was Mike, Jim, Brian, Heather,  Yolanda, Frank,
Kyle and David.   All of us had been friends through  out middle school and
had remained close.  Yolanda and David were the only  black kids in our school,
but that kind of thing didn't matter to us.  My  father on the other hand
wouldn't let them in our house.  He despised any  minority he thought posed as a
threat.  It was his own ignorance that  luckily I didn't have. We all thought
of ourselves as a pretty liberal group of  friends and we loved and embraced
everyone.  Or so I thought.


It was the fourth of July and Laura was  throwing a barbeque.  Every kid from
my high school it seemed had shown  up.  Laura was thrilled by the turn out
so she pretty much ignored me while  tending to the other guests.  I was kind
of used to not being her top  priority anymore.   It was a little hard at first
because I had gone  from being the one person that she turned to with her
problems to the `whenever  friend".  Whenever she was bored, she would call me.
I assumed that  now that we weren't dating we could just magically fall back
into the familiar  routine of being best friends like we had been before the
whole "boyfriend &  girlfriend" drama got a hold of us.  Sadly, that was not
in the  cards.  Sure, she probably still considered us to be friends and so did
I,  but it was just things weren't like they use to be.


I wasn't really in the mood that day to  party.  My father was getting on me
about trying out for the baseball team  and proceeded to spend the day telling
me how proud he was of my brother Jeremy  and his sports accomplishments.
Jeremy pretty much excelled in whatever he  did.  Whether it was soccer,
football, basketball or baseball, he was a  pro.  He towered over me at six foot
four, but we looked exactly  alike.  I was just an inferior version of him or at
least that's how it  sometimes would feel. Let me tell you something, when you
hear day in and day  out how much of a disappointment you are, you have a
tendency to believe it and  I did...until I turned twelve and realized that my
father was just full of a bunch  of shit.  But, that day he just got to me.


At the time I would consider Jeremy and  I close.  He never got annoyed when
I would bug him to take me fishing or  camping with his friends; he even took
me a few times.  He would make my  dad ease up whenever he saw that my feeling
was getting hurt.  Jeremy was  not only my brother, but my friend.  That is
until the day of that  barbeque.


I found myself sitting inside of  Laura's sunroom.  The party was going full
swing outside, but I needed the  time alone.  I sat down on her couch and
closed me eyes, consumed by my  confusing thoughts.  I was almost sixteen, but my
problems made me feel so  much older.  I was beginning to come to terms with
the fact that maybe I  was `bi'.  I was leaning more over towards `gay', but
at the time I was  still trying to figure things out.  I closed my eyes and
was lost until I  felt someone sit next to me.  My eyes snapped open and I saw
Joel sitting  next to me smiling.


"What?"  I asked in a tone that  came out a little harsher than I meant.  I
noticed that he had lost a few  pounds and his jaw looked more angular since
the last time I saw him.  His  hair had grown another three or four inches and
hung bone straight past his  shoulders.  He smiled and his round gray eyes
twinkled.  He looked  very stylish with the heavy gold link chain around his
neck, glistening behind  his black t-shirt and baggy black cotton shorts.  I
noticed that his legs  were smooth and hair free and I had to suppress  the urge to
laugh at the  thought of his burly body hunched over the tub, shaving his
legs. But, I'll  admit it; I was attracted to every part of him.


"Nothing, just thought I'd keep you  company.  Your Craig right?"  He asked
and made no attempt to hide his  lisp.  He crossed his legs femininely and
scooted closer to me.  I  made no move to move over and he took that as a sign to
move even closer.   I was nervous.  Sitting so close to him made butterflies
flutter in my  stomach, but I didn't want to move away.  The mixture of
anticipation and  excitement I was feeling with the thought of the possibilities
took over.   I shifted my body so I was closer to him.


"Yeah, and your Joel."  I said  smiling and his got brighter.


"So, how's your summer been  honey?"  I was a little put off by the softness
of his voice, but there was  still something about him that intrigued me.


"It's been good.  I've been  working for Mr. Millard's grocery store, but
other than that it's been pretty  boring.  So how`s yours been."  My fingers
were tapping nervously on  my denim shorts.  I saw Joel's eyes blatantly travel
up my legs with no  shame and I felt a surge of excitement so strong that I
became light  headed.   All the years of touching and kissing Laura couldn't
come  close the excitement that I felt with just a look by  Joel.


"Shitty.   We're moving back  to Long Island in a few weeks.  We just got
back from buying the new house  and found out that my boyfriend was cheating on
me....and with a girl no  less!"  He stated as he throw his head back gently
and laughed tossing his  hair over his shoulder.   I didn't know how to react to
that.  He  had just come out to me.  The years of "playing it straight"
kicked in and  I clamed up.  He looked at me cautiously and grew serious.  I could
 see the panic on his face. "God!  Dude I'm sorry....I just thought..."  He
trailed off and we sat in silence for a minute that felt like an hour.  He  got
up to leave, but I stopped him.


"WAIT! I mean.....what did you  think?"  I knew what he thought, but I wanted
to hear him say it.   Joel sat back down and looked away as he spoke.


"I thought that  you were..you  know....Gay"  He whispered as he looked
around.  The sounds of the party  going on outside was loud so I couldn't really
hear what he said.


"What, I can't hear you?"  I asked  and he spoke so loudly that I'm sure
the whole county heard.


"GAY!  I THOUGHT YOU WERE  GAY!"  He yelled and before I could answer I
heard the dropping of a glass  and the sound of liquid splashing all over the
wooden floors.  I turned to  look and my fearful eyes met the shocked eyes of
Laura.  I was like a deer  caught in headlights.  Joel mumbled an apology and made
a quick exit out  the front door.  I never saw him again after that.  He had
moved back  to New York a few weeks later. I wanted to say something, anything
to make  things better, but looking into her horrified face I knew that she
had already  made up her mind.


"Laura, can we go upstairs?" I asked  and She didn't answer me, but she
started up the stairs to her bedroom and I  followed.  I locked the door behind me
as she stood looking out of her  window.  The sun was peaking through her
curtains, illuminating her in its  brightness.  She appeared almost angelic as
she fingered the friendship  bracelet that I had given her five years prior.
She never took it  off.  But, when I walked over to face her she turned and the
look on her  face was nothing short of disgusted


"Craig?  Fag? You?"  She  hissed.  I couldn`t meet her gaze and I knew that
there was no denying  it.  I took her hand in mine.


"Laura...I....I...I'm sorry..."  I  stuttered.  She snatched her hand away from
mine and looked at me in  disbelieve.


"Craig...NO your not!" She yelled so loud  that the inside of my ear's
tickled.


"I'm sorry....I think I am." I looked  down at my sneakers.  I felt so much
shame for something that I couldn't  control.


"BUT WHAT ABOUT US? DID I MAKE  YOU.....A...FAG?"  She screamed as she sat down
on her bed and buried her head  in her hands.  I walked over to her and sat
beside her as I tried to find  the right words.


"Listen Laura...this isn't your  fault.  To be honest I don't even know for
sure just what I am.  But,  I do know that I love you.  I loved you when you
were my best friend, I  loved you when  you were my girlfriend and I still love
you now!"  I  stated and she started to cry as she threw her arms around my
neck and  cried.


"God!  I'm so stupid!  I  should have known!  You never wanted to do
anything besides kiss,  you  would freak if I tried to grab your dick....I'm so
stupid!!  And to think....I  wanted to marry you."  She sobbed as I rocked her in
shock.  I never  knew her feelings for me where so strong and I felt guilty for
leading her  on.  I never thought of myself as using her to cover up the fact
that I was  gay, but maybe subconsciously I did.


"I'm so sorry.  I love you and I  hope you still love me."  I felt her
harden in my arms as her body  stiffened and she pulled away from me.  She said
nothing as she went  towards her door.  She opened it and without looking back
said six words  that broke my heart.


"I think you should leave.  Now!"  She whispered and closed the door behind
her as I sat in reflection on her bed,  replaying the events of the last
fifteen minutes.  With a stupid question  by someone who I didn't know from a can
of paint, my life was over.  My  best friend now hated me and wanted nothing
more to do with me.  I sat up  in her room for close to an hour in hopes of her
coming back so we could make  up, but that didn't happen.  I made my way down
the stairs and noticed that  the music had stopped.  I went into the backyard
to see what happened and  was greeted with the cold and disgusted faces of
thirty of my peers.  They  knew!  They Knew!  I can't describe how small I felt.
I scanned  the crowd for Laura.  She stood next to Mike and Vincent with a
smug look  on her face.  She walked over to me and that sweet and funny little
girl  that I once knew had transformed to a sickening form of her former  self.


"I thought I told you to leave.   Faggots aren't allowed here!"  She hissed
out viciously and I could feel  the heat travel up my face and my stomach
knotted with the realization that at  nearly sixteen years old, my life was over.
I looked over to my group of  friends for help, but all I saw were the same
looks of revulsion on their faces  that Laura had.  I ran.  I ran out of her
backyard and down the road  towards my house.   I walked into my door and the
first thing I saw  was Jeremy's reddening face as he was talking into his cell.
I wanted to  go up to him and cry out my sorrows, but the look on his face
told me not to do  that.  He had always been so supportive and so loving.  We
were as  close as two brothers could be, but in an instance that changed.  I
made an  attempt to go down the hall and into my bedroom, but he slammed his
phone shut  and came in my face.


"You know who that was.  That was  Brenda and she told me that she was sorry
to hear that I had a fag in the  family!  Are you a mother fucking faggot?"
He yelled and if things  couldn't have gotten any worse my parents came down
stairs to see what was  wrong.


"What the hell is going on?"  My  father asked gruffly as my mother stood
her guard behind him like he had trained  her to do for the last twenty-two
years.


"Craig's a fucking faggot!  Laura  caught him sucking some dudes dick in her
bathroom!"  Jeremy continued, as  I stood there stunned.  That bitch had
lied, and everyone believed  it!


"Craig,  are you a fucking  queer?"  He asked me calmly with a hint of
malice.  I was no fool and  I knew the best way was to deny it.


"No!  She's lying!  I swear  to God I'm not!"  I stated and my father
looked at me sideways before  patting me on the back.


"Good!   Because if you were  a faggot I'd have to kill you."  He said and
began to laugh as he went back  into the living room with my mother trailing
silently behind him.  She said  nothing, but looked at me questioningly. Jeremy
continued to look at me  harshly.


"I don't believe you!  God!   I hope my friends don't find out just what a
fag my bro is! Blowing some  dude?  That`s just disgusting!"  He hissed and
left me alone, standing  in the hallway.  That was the last time he ever looked
me in my eyes  again.


All that night and the next day I  cried.  Everyone knew that I was gay and
there was no arguing it.   Once gossip gets around everyone just assumes that it
's the truth.  I went  to work and my boss Mr. Millard looked at me
sympathetically, but didn't say  anything.  I knew that he knew.   He was an older man
in his late  fifties, but he didn't look a day over forty.  His hair was still
jet black  with hints of silver at the edges.  He may have had a slight beer
gut, but  he still looked fit.  I was a cashier at his grocery store and for
the  first hour I was there, I was greeted with either hateful stares, fearful
looks  are gazes of sympathy, which I hated the most.  There had been a few
people  who wouldn't come into my line and I'm not going to lie that hurt.  It
was  close to closing time and Vincent, Laura's new boyfriend, came in by
himself.  He looked at me and smiled.  After a few minutes he wound up  at my
register.  The store was empty with the exception of Mr. Millard who  was in the
storage room doing inventory.  Vincent placed down a jar of  Vaseline,
condoms, breath mints and mouthwash.  I rung him up silently, not  looking in his
eyes.  I could feel the smirk on his face.  I tried to  take the money out of his
hand, but he grabbed mine.  I looked up at him  annoyed.


"What do you want Vincent!"  I  asked and he continued to smile.


"So, you're a faggot right?"  He  whispered which was unnecessary since the
store was empty.


"FUCK OFF!"  I yelled and he  pulled my hand tighter.


"Your choice."


"What?"


"Pick one."  He stated as he  pointed to the items he had just purchased.  I
became consumed with anger  with the realization at what he was trying to get
at.


"If you don't get the fuck out of my  face...."  I started, but he cut me
off with his laughter.


"You're not going to do anything.   As I see it everybody already knows your
playing for the other team, I'm just  trying to give you what you want.  That
way we both get something out of  it."  He stated as he crudely grabbed his
crotch and I rolled my  eyes.


"You don't know what you're talking  about!  None of that bullshit is true."
  I argued and he continued to  snicker.


"Look, lets be real here.  We all  know it's true.  Why would Laura make
something like that up?   Everybody knows she was your best friend so why would
she lie?"  I realized  that nothing I could say would change his mind or
anybody else's.    Even though Laura had made up the part of catching me blowing
Joel, she did know  that I was gay and everybody believed her.  I never felt so
alone.  I  was about to make my rebuttal when Mr. Millard came out of no where
and called  me to the storage room Vincent was startled by his voice and
grabbed his bag and  left.  Mr. Millard had witnessed the little seen with Vincent
and told me  that he had heard what was going on.  Before I could explain he
put up his  hands to silence me.


"Craig, you are a nice young man and I  don't care if its true or not.  You
don't have to tell me.  I just  want you to know if there is anything I can do
to help, just let me know."   He stated as he continued to scan cans of
tomato sauce.  I looked into his  emerald green eyes and just felt like I could
trust him.  I picked up a can  of sauce and passed it to him.


"Why do you want to help me?"  I  asked and he looked thoughtfully at me
before he answered.


"That's a story that I'm not ready to  tell.   Let's just say that a long
time ago there was someone in your  predicament that I could have helped and
didn't.  Those were different  times and I was just a boy, but I can't help to
think that I could have helped  then maybe things could have been different..."
He trailed off and I never brought  it up again even thought I always
wondered what he meant.


The entire summer I spent alone.   I tried to call Laura once, but she called
me a faggot and hung up on me.   Any love that I felt for her slowly fading
away as the lonely summer months  past.  I know my father had his suspicions
about me, but he knew that he  had scared me straight...literally.  Jeremy ignored
me when he wasn't letting  me know just how disgusting he thought I was.
Cathy would always ask me  why I looked so sad, but I would just hug her and tell
her everything was  fine.  She was only six and couldn't understand.  As sad
as it is to  say she was the only friend I had left.


The day I turned sixteen had been the  loneliest day of my life, but I was
getting use to the solitude.  Every  year for the last nine years Laura and I
would spend our birthday's pigging out  on ice cream and swimming in the creek
up the road from her house, but that year  I spent it crying in my room.  I
never thought of myself as the crying  type, but that summer that was all I would
do.  I would think about how  none of my friends would talk to me and I would
cry, I would think about how my  brother hated me and I would cry, I would
think about having to go back to  school and I would cry.  The only thing that I
could do to ease some of the  heaviness in my heart was to cry and it felt
good to do it.  I never knew  that crying could be so therapeutic, but it is.  I
had no one to talk about  how I was feeling so the only thing I could do to
work out my problems was to  cry.  Every tear that I shed helped to wash away
some of the hurt, but even  that wasn't enough.


I stood there staring at the entrance  of my high school.  It was the start
of my junior year and I should have  been excited that after that year, there
was only left before graduation, but I  wasn't.  I dreaded walking inside
there.  I watched all of the kids  running up to each other smiling at reuniting
with old friends.  I saw  Yolanda walking with Mike, but they pretended like
they didn't see me. Being  shunned by the two of them stung like nothing else.
Mike's Polish and  Yolanda is Black.   In my town there are a few ass holes,
like my  father, who aren't open minded.  I got into more than one or two
arguments  defending the two of them from some prick who thought it would be fun to
call  them names..  The fact that they couldn't extend the same curiously to
me  hurt me almost as much as Laura's betrayal did.....almost.  Maybe they didn'
t  recognize me.  I had wasted away to a mere one hundred and thirty  pounds.
I normally weighed around one sixty, but the stress of everything  had
affected my body and my spirit.


I could feel the eyes of everyone on me  as I walked down the hall and to say
that I was feeling self-conscious would be  putting it mildly.  I made my way
to homeroom and sat down in the  back-row  hoping to remain unnoticed.
Vincent walked in and made it a  point to notify anyone who didn't already know
about my situation.


"Listen up class.  I thought I  should warn you that one Mr. Craig Kelps is a
faggot so please, please gentlemen  don't drop the soap in the showers."  He
stated and everyone laughed as I  shrunk in my seat.  No one talked to me
through out the day.  I heard  whispers and jokes, but no one spoke directly to
me.  I know my town is  kind of small, but it was the new millennium.  I
thought we had all moved  past our pointless fears and hypocritical judgments, but
sadly I was  wrong.   Some things never changed and I shouldn't have expected
it  to.  I had no intentions of going to the cafeteria where I knew I would
have to see all of my friends going on and enjoying their lives as I sat back
and tried to pick up the ruined pieces of mine.  I went into the library  and
sat alone until the bell rung.  I made my way to gym class only to have  no one
want to change near me.  The ultimate humiliation is when the coach  joked
that I could go over to the tennis court with the rest of the girls.   Everyone
laughed as I stood there waiting to get picked for basketball.  It  shouldn't
come as a surprise that I wasn't.   I stood around staring  at my feet as
everyone began to play.


I ran into Laura after school and she  looked at me sorrowfully.  I knew that
she felt bad, but I no longer wanted  anything to do with her. I kept
walking, right past her as she attempted to call  out to me.  I turned around to look
at her and she mumbled and apology and  I lost it.  I walked up so our faces
were close to each  other's.


"Sorry...you're sorry?  I just want  you to know that you have succeeded in
making my life hell!  My brother  hates me, my friends all hate me and you know
something...I hate them to....all of  them....even you! Get the hell out of my face
and don't you ever speak to me  again!"  With that I walked off leaving her
alone with tears in her  eyes.  I didn't feel bad about being so harsh on her.
 That's what she  deserved.



I'd love to tell you that things got  better with time, but that would be a
lie.  I would continue to be  harassed, mocked, ignored and outcasted for the
next two years of my life.   I kept to myself and no one tried to talk to me
with the exception of a few  girls who wanted me to be their "fag mascot".
Once I would tell them that  I wasn`t gay they would lose interest. Every now and
then someone would get  brave enough and ask me if it was true.  I would
always lie and deny it,  but nothing would make a difference.  People had already
formed their  opinions.  Laura gave me a letter the day of our high school
graduation.  I didn't want to go, but my father made me.  That bastard  was
aware of how fucked up my life had been over the last two years, but he  didn't
care.  As long as I became the straight son that he wanted that was  all that
mattered.   Jeremy didn't come which wasn't a  surprise.   Laura came up to me
looking beautiful in her white cap and  gown.  She had cut her hair short and
it framed her petite face  nicely.  She had still been dating Vincent.  They
had been on and off  for the last two years and they were back on.  He was
impatiently calling  her over as she walked over to me.  I was proud because I had
heard that  she had gotten into the an Ivy league University that she wanted
to go to,  but I would be damned if I told her that.  I myself was own my way
to the  lovely state of New Jersey to attend Montclair State University.  I
made  sure that the school I choose was no where close to home.  As she handed
me  the letter she told me that she understood  I could never  forgive  her,
but she wanted me to read it anyway.  With that, I was  gone.   I had no time
for another one of her lame attempts at an  apology. I read her note and would
have cried if I wasn't for the fact I was in  my father's car.   Once in the
safety of my bedroom I re-read the  letter and let my emotions shed.


Dear  Craig,

I know you hate me right now and I deserve it.  For the last two
years I have regretted what I did  to you.   I know you have heard me say
this
a thousand times, but I was and  still am, sorry about what I put you
through.
That day when you told me you  were gay my heart broke.  I was confused
 and angry that the one boy  who I was in love with and dreamed of marrying
didn't feel the same  way.   I know there are no excuses for what I did to
you,
but please know that I am deeply  sorry that I hurt you.  I am disgusted by
my
actions.  I told everyone  out of spite.  My reprehensible actions are ones
that
not only do I have to live with  what I did to you, but I have to watch how
it
affected you.  Knowing day  in and day out that I and I alone are responsible
 for making your life living  hell is something that eats away at my soul.  I
tried
 to take it back, I really  did, but it was too late.  The damage had been
done
 and couldn't be  fixed.

I'm sorry for all you have gone  through and I know that there is no
chance of us ever going back to  how things were and for that I will always
be regretful.  You  understood me like no one else did and I know you
thought the same of me.   God!  I'm crying once again so I better keep this
 short.  Just know that  I love you and I hope that one day you can forgive
me.

 I heard that you got into  college in New Jersey, hope you find a nice
Jersey
boy who makes you happy : ) Okay,  I will stop here.  I'm sorry for all that
 I've lost, but even more  sorry for what I made you lose.  I hope one day you
 can forgive me, but I know  I don't deserve  it.

I will always love  you,
~   Laura


I put the note inside of my yearbook  and put that on my bookshelf.  I loved
Laura and even though she had made  my life hell a part of me still loved her.
She had outted me to everyone.   Do you know how it feels to walk into a room
and know that everyone in there  knows your deepest, darkest secret.  Being
gay only caused me heartache and  I was tired of hurting.  College would be a
new experience for  me.   A chance to redeem myself.  No one would ever get the
 chance to hurt me again.  Being gay was no longer an option.  It was  time
to put my old life behind me and look forward to the new one I would be
starting.......

			      TO BE CONTINUED


(C) Madison Aysha Dante  2005

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_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MaddyA_Stories_
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