Blooming wisteria:
scented is this morning
by its colour!
It was nine years I was teaching in that High School and it was the day of the admission ceremony of the new students who could pass the difficult admission test. I was sitting on the stand together with all the other teachers. The students were sitting in close rang in front of us. The newly admitted were called one after the other by the dean who gave them the admission certificate, reading aloud their names, data, and obtained marks.
The dean called another student who stood up and came towards the stand. While he was climbing the stairs, I had like a sudden vision -- he was him! Yes, that overawed student who was coming on the stand was exactly the boy of my drawing, absolutely identical, just, perhaps, a little younger. He, my ideal dreamed for months and months, did exist and now was there, on the stand, real, concrete, splendid...
An intense warmth wrapped me, my eyes were only for him, and in my head penetrated, muffled, the voice of the dean who was reading the admission certificate.
"Ida Yukichi, born on Meiji third year, admitted..."
He also had a beautiful name, I was thinking, confused and trembling. Ida Yukichi. Ida Yukichi will be my student, for three years. He exists and he came here, in my school. How beautiful is he! My Yukichi! I was waiting for you, boy, for so many years, do you know?
All long the ceremony, I had eyes only for him.
So that at the end Tachikawa came near me and whispered: "It seems like you had a vision, my dear professor Fujita. But, if you allow an elder colleague to give you an advice, it is not wise to be involved by personal sentiments towards our students. It is dangerous, believe me. Pupil and lover, are two incompatible roles."
"I know that very well, thank you. But... was it so visible?"
"For an old boy's lover as I am, it was more clear than the day light, Fujita-san. That kid enchanted you, didn't he? You feel a strong attraction towards him, don't you?"
"He is and will remain a student like all the others." I reassured him, convinced.
"Allow me not to believe that. You will have to fight hard battles, and also win them, if you don't want to lose the war. Be on your guard, my good friend. Be on your guard..."
Yes, especially in the first months it was really a hard battle with myself. In the classroom I would have had eyes only for him, and I had difficulty to treat him like any other student, but I managed. And I gradually succeeded in putting my heart at peace, not to daydream, not to hope for the impossible. I too, for him, am just one of the several teachers, I was telling myself. But at home I looked at the drawing where now I wrote also his name -- Ida Yukichi. It was absolutely him, without a shadow of a doubt, unequivocally. And I was in love with him. Without a shadow of a doubt, unequivocally. Even if I knew very well that he had to be and to remain a unilateral love, doomed to never reveal itself.
He was an attentive, diligent, intelligent student. No, I was not overvaluing him. He was rather good in all the subjects. He was orderly, punctual. He did clever questions. He seldom smiled, but when he did he had a so sweet and luminous smile! How not to love him?
The first year elapsed. Towards the end of the school year, one day in February, Tachikawa came towards me with a bundle of papers in his hand.
"The English compositions of the 1st A class. Look at this one." he told me extracting a sheet and handing it to me, with a really serious expression.
It was of Ida. The composition of course was in English, a language I don't know. I looked at it without understanding. Tachikawa, with his little fingernail underlined a line -- there was my name.
"What is it? What did he write? You know I don't know English."
"Listen -- here, he says that here in the school all the students have their preferred teacher. 'Many prefer professor Tachikawa, others' others, and so on, 'but I prefer by far professor Fujita, my teacher of German. He is an exceptional man, learned, intelligent and kind with everybody, elegant.' Well he continues listing your good points, singing your praise, then he writes 'I feel for him a great admiration and growing up I would like to became like him, as he is my model of a man, a complete man, perfect...' Don't you think this is a real love declaration, my dear colleague?"
My head was lightly spinning. I looked at Tachikawa and said: "I can not help it, it is not my fault. I always treated him like all the other students, absolutely."
"You have not to justify yourself with me, dear colleague. You have just to be even more careful than before, that's all. It is normal and understandable that you are attracted by that boy. But if also the boy is attracted by you, it could become difficult, dangerous. Boys, differently from us adults, have not the sense of measure, of convenience. I just wanted to warn you. To put you on guard, as a friend and colleague, not only here at school but also... in other occasions. About that, it is a while that I don't see you at the kabuki theatre. Kikutaro often asks me your news."
"It is true, it is a while since I went"
"You got tired of the actor? I can understand you. I too am getting tired of his brother. He asks for more and more expensive gifts and grants me less and less of his time. There is instead the program seller boy -- he is fourteen and he is a flower. I am doing him a discreet court and if he says me yes, I will do of him my new lover. But you, by chance, did you find a new lover? Is that why you don't come any more at the theatre?"
"Yes, the son of the owner of the new sento they just opened near my house. A twenty year old boy. Well shaped and available. He comes to visit me at my home, in his free day, once a week. He is more simple than the actor, but for sure not less agreeable, and he doesn't want gifts." I concluded with a smile.
No, notwithstanding what I just said to my colleague Tachikawa, I didn't have a lover, not as I meant a lover to be, at least. My heart was prisoner of Yukichi, even if I wasn't deceiving myself about the possibility that something could happen between us.
A new school year started.
And a new era started, so to speak.
Each time that in the classroom or in the school's corridors I passed near Ida Yukichi, or he near me, he brushed lightly against me, at times with his elbow, at times with his shoe or in other ways. At first I thought it a casual thing, but soon I noticed that it happened just with him. With the other boys it was really rare it happened.
Therefore, Yukichi clearly did it on purpose. He wanted to be noticed by me. Another thing he did to be noticed by me, was the fact that he became the best of my students. It was not that I overrated him. His works were really perfect, absolutely without a single mistake. He was really studying German with his utmost dedication.
And one day, between a lesson and the next, while I was passing in the corridor, Yukichi came towards me, stopped in front of me, very serious, bowed and said, with a not loud voice but clear: "Ich liebe sie, Herr Professor, ich liebe sie!"
I remain to stare at him in silence, astounded, my brain in flames, deeply moved.
Then he, a little more aloud, repeated: "Ich liebe sie, Herr Professor Fujita!"
Before he repeats it again, possibly this time shouting, I hurriedly answered: "Sehr gutt, danke. Ich auch, mein Ida, ich liebe dich."
His eyes shone, but he remained serious. He again bowed then ran away, light and nimble. I looked around slightly dazed. The others, students and teachers, or they didn't hear, or didn't understand, or they were pretending. I went at a fast pace to the teachers' room.
My head and my heart were in turmoil. Ida loves me, he told me that clearly, in front of everybody. And at last I too told him I love him too. But then? It is an impossible love. If just... if just he waited for me, two more years. Afterwards, when he will not be my student, I could accept his love and give him mine. He would be then nineteen years old, a better age for both of us. But, can you guess, in two years! He is a boy, who knows how many times he will change his mind. He will get tired. Or he will fall in love with others, more available than me. Or possibly even with a girl.
The thought he could stay between the arms of another make me feel bad. I am jealous of him. And yet, I cannot, just not to lose him, accept now his love. Ah, if I just was not his teacher! Yes, but if so, we would not even have met.
I pass two days of real pain. Then, while I am in the teachers' room, he knocks. We are alone. He says he needs to talk with me. I made him sit in front of me, on the other side of the big table.
"Professor Fujita, I am in love with you, I want to belong to you. I want to be yours, forever." he said all in a breath, crumpling his hat in his hands.
"Ida Yukichi, I too am in love with you, since ever. But our love is not possible, is not reasonable." I answer with emotion trying to keep a detached tone as it is worth a teacher, an adult with his head on his shoulders.
"Why?" he asks me in anguish, looking straight into my eyes.
I explain to him. I tell him all I thought in these days, included the fact that I feel jealous of him, I tell him how much I love him, but I firmly repeat that between a teacher and a student there could not be a love relationship, absolutely not.
He listen to me, then he says, with a determined but serene tone thanks to the fact that I repeated I am in love with him: "You will not be my teacher forever. Just two more years. If you just told me that you will wait for these two years, I swear that I will be yours, only yours, from now and forever. Two years will elapse quickly, if you are waiting for me. All these two years, we will love each other in secret and in silence. I don't think we will have many other occasions like this one to talk face to face and to be alone. But it will be enough for me knowing that you are waiting for me."
We talked some more. He succeeded in persuading me. After all I wanted to be convinced. I swore him eternal love, he swore me love forever. We were deeply moved and filled with the importance of our oaths. I would have toured the table, taken him in my arms, but that table represented the unsurpassable limit that for the moment was dividing us, so I remained seated on my side. He too was sitting erect, almost stiff -- he too possibly had to hold back his impulse to come to take shelter between my arms.
Yukichi always wore a small red brocade talisman hanging from his trousers belt. So I said: "We will not be able to communicate often so freely. Well, Yukichi, if one day you change your mind about our love, just don't hang any more your talisman at your belt, and I'll understand."
"Then, you too, professor. Your golden turnip you always have at your waistcoat, will be to me the equivalent -- as long as I'll see it, I'll know that you are still waiting for me. Agreed, sir?"
"Agreed, Yukichi. But one more condition. If you want to be my lover, you have to leave this school with the highest marks, and not only in German. This will be the concrete proof of how much you do love me."
"All right, I will do my best. But now... I belong to you, professor Fujita, is that not so?"
"Now you are mine, Yukichi."
"Thank you, professor. May I leave, now?"
"You can, Ida Yukichi."
He stood up, bowed and went erect and proud to the door. Here he turns towards me just a moment and said: "I love you, professor Fujita!" and disappeared in the corridor.
I love you -- what sweet words!
A peculiar period started. Ida behaved like all the other students, and as such I treated him. But now a secret bound us, and each time we met his eyes rushed for a moment to the turnip on my waistcoat and mine to his talisman of red brocade, and all was perfect.
Sadao came at my home. I was waiting for him to tell him that it would have been better to stop the relationship between us. I was looking for the best way to tell him, I didn't want to wound him, he didn't deserve it. As soon as he came, he preceded my words.
He said: "Fujita-san, I came to tell you a news -- next week I have to marry. The kannushi fixed the most favourable date."
"Ah, best wishes, then."
"Thank you. Even if I'd rather not to do that."
"So then, we will no more meet, if you marry." I said him, almost relieved.
"No, why? I would like nothing changed between Fujita-san and me. Unhappily I have to marry, I cannot disobey my parents, but... Unless Fujita-san doesn't want me any more. Did you get tired of me, Fujita-san?" he asked me in alarm.
"No, Sadao, I'm not tired of you. But, you see, I think it will be better if we don't continue to meet." I said vilely renouncing to tell him what I had to -- after all it was more easy for me to leave on his shoulders the cause of our separation.
"You got tired of me! You got tired of me. Sure, I have little value, I am a common boy, I know." he said with a sad tone.
"No way, Sadao! You are a splendid boy, and I like you, really."
"But then? Did I do something wrong? Are you upset with me for something? If you tell me, I'll try to get forgiven," he said with a sincere accent.
So I understood that I had to tell him the real reason and, gathered my courage, I told him with gentleness: "No, Sadao, no. The fact is that I... I fell in love."
"With a woman?" the boy asked me widening his eyes with such a funny expression that I burst in laughter.
"No, not with a woman, but with a boy."
"Ah. And now you make love with him."
"Unhappily not. He too loves me, but we cannot, for the moment, make love. In two years, if all proceeds well, we could at last unite."
"In two years? But then, at least to that day, can't we continue to meet here at your home? Then in two years, I'll step aside, I swear. But don't send me away now, please."
"But I love him, and not you. With you I feel really good, I like you very much, but I don't love you, you know that."
"Sure I know it. But to me it is good so. Let me continue to come here to you, please! Please! Please!" he exclaimed knelling in front of me and prostrating himself on the tatami. I bent on him and took him between my arms trying to raise him up. But he pulled me down on top of him. His cheeks were wet with tears. I dried them and, instinctively, I started to caress him, to console him. I got aroused, desire took the upper hand and I started to undress him.
He smiled lightly to me and whispered, starting to undress me: "When the boy that Fujita-san loves will come, Sadao will be happy for Fujita-san's happiness and will show up no more. But, until that day, Sadao wants to be thing of the professor." and he offered himself to me, sweetly smiling.
I was not able to refuse his gentle offer...
About Yukichi, the boy devoted himself thoroughly in all the subjects as I demanded him. When the results were hung out, I went to look at them and I noticed with pleasure a constant progress, even if in some subject he was just above the pass.
In May, the section of Fine Arts of our School held its usual semiannual exhibition of the best works of the students, and, for the first time, there was also a watercolour of Yukichi -- it represented a field with a well at the shadow of a wisteria in bloom. It was really beautiful but, above all, it was clearly allusive to our love. My last name in fact means "wisteria field" and his last name "field's well". I asked myself if also the others could understand the meaning of that wisteria embracing the well. But not even my colleague Tachikawa, always so ready to catch even the most little hint, never told me about it. Rather, a few days after he told me that I was right to have pulled out that "problem" from my heart.
When the exhibition was over, I received by mail at home a parcel -- it contained that delicious, and for me precious, Yukichi's watercolour, accompanied by a poem elegantly written on the apposite cardboard, allusive to my turnip and his talisman.
Red brocades...
and I await summer:
gold is shining
I felt the happiest man of all the mankind.