Date: Thu, 11 Aug 2005 19:48:39 -0700
From: Rick <rickthedick@fastmail.fm>
Subject: Little Black Boyfriend

Synopsis: 10-11 year old black boy fucks his 12 year old white
friend (me), who quickly learns to crave it.

--------------

Toward the end of 6th grade my family moved to a new town, and I
hated it because I had absolutely nobody to play with. The only
kids nearby were in a low-income housing project that I'd cut
through on my way to the bus stop, but none of them were in my
grade, and they were mostly black and I was white. I certainly
wasn't racist, but the two groups just didn't mix much at school
and I just didn't see them as potential friends. The closest
clique there (one and two grades below me) was headed by an
aggressive black kid named Robert, who was small and lean but
built like a tank. There was his little group of three to four,
then various girls, and smaller kids at the stop in the morning,
so not many friends to pick from, and I pretty much just kept to
myself.

But one morning at the stop a few weeks after we moved there, I
noticed Robert's group off to the side playing a handheld football
game that was popular at the time. I went up to them, and being
friendly told them I had basketball and Coleco football too.
Robert or one of them was friendly too and said "cool, did you
bring it?" and I said no but I'd get it after school.

They were actually friendly toward me, and I felt good all day.
Maybe they COULD be my friends...

After school when we got off the bus, I think Robert had forgot
but I reminded him and said I'd run home and get them and he kind
of smiled and said ok.

Awesome, I had new friends! I ran home and got the games and came
back and had to look around a little but found them outside. It
was too bright out (they were little LED games) so we all went
inside Robert's house and up to his bedroom.

One of the kids had to go, so then it was just me, Robert, and
Kevin (his best friend, also black and about his age). I don't
know where his mother was, I think it was just us in the house.
But those two were playing my games and I was playing Robert's
Mattel football for awhile and we were having fun.

Then Robert said "let's do something else" and put down his game.
Kevin did the same. I was having fun and kept playing mine. Robert
went over to sliding half-height shelves that were built into the
room and slid them open and took out some magazines.

I kept playing not really paying attention. Robert and Kevin
started looking through the magazines, leaning up against the wall
by the door. I was on my stomach propped on my elbows playing the
game, they were to my right so to see them I had to twist my neck
to look back. So I couldn't see what they were doing.

But I heard them giggling oddly and ooohing and aahing so finally
I looked back to see and put down the game and crawled over. The
magazines were hardcore porn, which I had never seen before (I had
never even seen a Playboy before, and had never masturbated
before, because it just wasn't part of my world then).

I glanced at them for maybe 20 seconds mostly out of curiosity but
found the first one disgusting, and Robert and Kevin's comments
about what they wanted to do to the girls made me uncomfortable so
I went back to playing the game.

They kept looking at them for maybe 5-10 minutes. Robert at one
point said "don't mind us" and laughed. I was puzzled by it all
but kept playing. I heard a snap and zipper come undone and my
thought was "I guess he's changing his clothes" so I was careful
not to look back, but then there was more murmuring and another
snap and zipper so I finally looked back and saw both of them
sitting against the wall, magazines in hand with their pants
partway down and penises (erections) pointing straight up.

I vividly remember the image, because it was the first time I had
seen another guy's dick. I knew about my own erection but never
really linked that to anything sexual, and just thought it "got in
that state" sometimes. So I thought it was very odd behavior but
kind of funny they'd let it poke up like that so I might have even
giggled. But I was also a little curious because Robert's seemed
to be very l-o-n-g and had a bigger head at the top compared to
Kevin's which looked more like mine, also Robert had a white shirt
(with green along the sleeve and neck edges, I remember it
distinctly) and the dark skin color of his penis against the white
shirt was an odd contrast.

But none of us were much into puberty, if at all, so it wasn't
like something adult sized or anything, it was just a momentary
curiousity at his hard wiener sticking up, and I went back to
playing the game.

Then Robert got up and got some baby oil out of the shelves
(Johnson's & Johnson's in the pink bottle top, I remember it
distinctly because my Mom used to buy that when my sister was a
baby) and I just thought huh?? And it kept getting more mysterious
and I was getting more uncomfortable. I remember hearing the
slurrrrp after he and Kevin squeezed it out and the bottle sucked
back in the air, and I remember thinking "Why are they smearing
that on their dicks?!?" and at this point was still playing the
game but still half-paying attention to them.

I think they were just fondling their erections, not really
masturbating right then, looking back on it now. But they kept
paging through the magazines talking more and more about how they
wanted to "fuck the shit out of her" and this and that, but mostly
Robert kept getting more and more hyper.

I was looking back wondering about all this when Robert suddenly
closed his magazine, breathed in deeply, and sort of stared in the
distance. Then he looked at me and we made eye contact -- I
remember the odd look on his face, but I quickly looked back at my
game.

Suddenly Robert was all friendly. He came over and layed next to
me also on his stomach like he was going to watch, and he put his
arm across my back and onto my shoulder. I remember that
sensation, because my parents NEVER showed me physical affection.
It was very warm and comforting human contact, and I remember
thinking wow, Robert's really nice!

Then Robert (I don't know if his pants were up or down or what, I
didn't look) flopped up so he was laying on me, like so many boys
do when play wrestling, and I mock shouted "Ahhhhhh!" at the
weight and waited for his next "wrestling" move. But he just laid
there giggling a little, so I started playing the game again kind
of giggling myself. I just absolutely did not connect anything at
all sexual to it.

Robert did, though. He started bouncing on me and mock-grunting
which I thought was part of the wrestling, so I probably laughed
or grunted along with him.

Then he popped up on all fours above me and said "pull down your
pants a little, I want to show you something." I looked back over
my shoulder and saw he had his pants still down at the top (and
vividly remember his long wet erection sticking out and pointing
at my head) and for some reason I thought he was going to show me
some kind of trick like kids do at that age, like you plug your
nose and blow as hard as you can until you get dizzy, and this was
some other "trick" you did with your pants slightly down like his.
So without really thinking I just reached down and kind of rolled
on my side (he was still over me on all fours) and unsnapped and
unzipped and got it partway down, but before I could get all the
back of my jeans down he YANKED back on my lower leg and my groin
went WHUMP flat on the floor.

I shouted "owww!" and started to wonder why he did that and why he
was still on top of me, then he YANKED down the back of my pants
below my butt, but it caught on my front, so to avoid pain I
lifted up to help him get it the rest of the way to my thighs.
Still waiting for this "trick."

He was sitting on my upper thighs at that point, and said "Watch,
this feels really good."

I remember his weight leaning onto my butt at that point, and
thought "ok, well this has something to do with rubbing your
wiener against the floor" because that's what I initially felt.
But it wasn't much -- I laid there a second with my head down on
my arms wondering when this "thing that felt really good" was
going to start, when I then felt what I thought was his finger
pushing really hard on my butthole (and I thought, why would he
put his finger in my BUTT?!?) and I clamped up. He said, I
remember clearly, "Don't, let me do it!"

I loosened just a little bit but immediately felt him trying to
jam in and I tightened up again and he said "DON'T, it'll feel
good."

I said something like "stop pushing so hard" and started to loosen
again, and again he JAMMED it forward and pushed it in, and my
butt muscle kind of recoiled. I said "owwwwww, get off!" and there
were several seconds of shock and pain, but then it oddly settled
a bit, and he didn't move.

I was still thinking it was his finger and twisted my head way
back to look and saw he had both arms on the floor like doing a
pushup, his groin pressed near my butt, and I could see the lower
half (I guess) of his penis disappearing behind my butt from that
angle, but I still didn't connect it was his DICK in me. Wieners
to me were floppy things, even though I could get and knew about
erections, it just didn't connect.

I sat there thinking for a second what IS that (I remember
thinking a Hot Wheels car ?! for a moment) and then I realized
what it was. So then I thought, the trick is he's going to pee in
my butt, and that was supposed to feel good? (I then thought,
well, maybe...but isn't that going to be really messy?)

But I wasn't horrified or anything, even though kids at school
would say "buttfucking" and "gay" it just didn't connect. It just
wasn't...a sexual thing... I didn't see what Robert was doing as
that. He was... I guess... going to pee in my butt, or something.

All of those thoughts happened in a brief second, then I looked
back to the front and laid my head down waiting for the results of
this trick. Robert started rocking into me and it made my body
rock and jiggle and I thought that was a little funny, so maybe
THAT was actually the trick, so I kind of laughed and said "oooh"
or something dumb, just playing along.

But he kept rocking harder and it was starting to hurt and rub my
penis against the carpet, so I kind of tried to push him back but
that didn't help. Then he laid down his upper body on mine and his
chin on my shoulder and just laid there, which was a complex
feeling for me because it squeezed of course and his chin was
jabbed into my shoulder, but there was also the body warmth that I
remember, and in an odd way it was the (only) physical closeness I
think I had ever felt with another person in a long time (my
parents weren't the hugging type).

So at that point (which was about a minute into it) I was kind of
going along with it. It was a new, odd sensation, there was this
new friend of mine who was being very "nice" (my term for being
close and not punching me all the time) and he was showing me this
"trick."

But he kept rocking against me, which I didn't understand, and if
I loosened my butt at all he'd jam it in further, and that
combined with the heat and squeezing and nothing that "felt really
good" and I was tired of it already and told him to get off.

Except he just pushed back harder and got back on his hands like a
pushup and said "it'll feel REALLY good, just keep going" and I
thought ok, just a LITTLE longer.

It just kept getting more and more uncomfortable, though, and my
butt muscle was getting tired from holding him back (he still kept
trying to jam it in further whenever I'd loosen a little) and
finally I said "GET OFF!!!" but he kind of grunted back "Not yet,
wait till I'm done."

I was angry now, I shouted again "GET OFF ME!!!!" and pushed up
onto my elbows and tried to kind of buck him off, but suddenly a
hand of massive strength shoved the top of my back and slammed my
head onto the floor and he growled "I'm not done yet, HOLD ON!"

I laid there shocked, and flashed back to our fight when he
smacked me in the jaw and thought "ok, well, maybe I could just
lay here a little bit until he's 'done,' whatever that means, then
I'll grab my games and go home and NEVER be his friend." That was
my thought process as a 12 year old.

In a little bit he let up his hand, though kept rocking into me,
and I laid my head back on my arms waiting what I thought would be
any second for him to be done playing his dumb game. But it kept
going... and going... and going... I swear, 15 minutes at least. I
was sweating, he was sweating though we had our shirts on I
thought I could feel his cold sweat through both of them, and
everything just felt wet and sticky and smelly. It got hot and
claustrophobic and boring just waiting and waiting.

And at one point my butt muscle gave out and he pushed it in all
the way and every time he would push it in really hard I'd feel
a jab of pain I'd never felt before, shooting up to my tailbone
which would make me grimace. But most of all I just wanted it to
be OVER and I was getting more and more angry.

Finally Robert just pushed himself up and hopped off. I lifted
myself up onto my side and Robert looked at Kevin who was still
looking at magazines against the wall and said "Your turn, Kevin!"
and I think I was ANGRIER THAN I HAD EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE and said
"NO!" and I was ready to fight, I could have flattened both of
them I was so mad. But then Robert saw my dick and pointed to it
and squealed "Rick's got a boner, look, he likes it!!" and Kevin
looked too and started laughing.

But I did NOT have a boner! I didn't know what masturbation or sex
was, but I knew what a boner was, I knew what mine looked like and
I did not have one. So I don't know why he said that. I said "no I
don't" but they just kept laughing.

I pulled my pants back up and went over to pick up my games, but
they kept harping on my "boner." Robert said "I'm going to tell
everyone you like getting buttfucked!" and I was so PISSED at him
I lunged toward him swinging but I just hit air and stumbled into
the bed which made them laugh more. I picked up my games again and
walked straight out the door and down the hall, and I heard Robert
shout "fag!"

OH MY GOD. I was so goddamn angry but right then I was extremely
embarassed, extremely hurt. The HURT part wasn't the actual
physical act, it was the embarassement of right then when I
stumbled onto my face, them calling me a "fag", most of all I
thought I had a new FRIEND and he turned on me just like that.

Also it was the betrayal, the realization I was tricked into it,
and that Kevin probably knew what that Robert was up to and just
sat back probably laughing. I was so hurt I was crying on my way
back home, though I remember loitering in the ravine for a long
time until my tears and redness went away so my Mom wouldn't ask.

I was also terrified about this "telling everyone" thing he said.
I knew the word "buttfuck" as a derogatory term, but never thought
about what it meant, and if anything thought it was just getting
beat up from somebody punching your ass (like "fucking somebody
up"). It just didn't connect, but "telling everyone" was a threat,
and I didn't want anybody saying anything about me.

That must have been a Friday, because I don't remember seeing him
for a couple days. I just decided to forget about it and never be
his friend, and I'd fight him if I had to.

Yet even so, I was dying for friends and something to do in that
boring house, and except for that "trick" thing I let myself get
into, they kind of seemed...ok, in a way. But I swore I'd fight
him to the end if he tried anything again.

So I became a little ambivalent by the next Monday morning when we
met again at the bus stop. Robert came up to me and was just
really friendly, asked if I brought the coleco football, then
Kevin and Chuck (his other main friend) came up and were all
talking like nothing was up, nothing was said about me, no hard
feelings, they were treating me like one of them. Despite my anger
and embarassment at what had happened before, I completely
reversed course and thought they were still ok. But I think for
the next week or maybe two I weasled out of coming over except to
play outside.

We actually had a lot of fun times outside, together and with some
of the other neighbor kids. Capture the flag, kick the bucket,
hide and seek, lots of mock WWF wrestling in the grass, kickball,
tackle football I all remember playing. But Robert was definitely
a bully, and everybody just kind of stayed out of the way as he
pretty much called the shots on what we'd do next. I did bring my
handheld games sometimes but we'd play it in the shade or a
garage, and if Robert insisted on going in I'd make up an excuse
to go home.

Summer came and school let out. I think a month had passed since
the bedroom incident and there was no mention of it among us, and
I started to think it was just a one-time thing. Then Robert
invited me to a sleepover said it was going to be me, Kevin and
Chuck. I liked Chuck, he was kind of naive like me so I felt safe,
plus more bold.

At the sleepover, nothing happened, the porn didn't come out, and
we had fun playing some board games and the handhelds. Also, his
mom was home so I thought I could always yell if Robert got out of
hand.

--------

Maybe a couple days later, Robert wanted to have another
sleepover, with the same people. I dropped off my stuff at his
house and we all played outside, but Chuck's mom came looking for
him and dragged him back home (grounded) and Kevin drifted off
somewhere I'm not sure, so it was just me and Robert and I started
to think I'd make up an excuse to go back home. But Robert was
being really friendly and attentive, we'd wrestle (WWF style) and
whereas he'd usually just pick everybody up and "body slam" them,
this time he'd let me do moves on him too. It was little things
like that which I felt made him more of a friend than a bully, at
least on that day.

Also his Mom was home (we had dinner at his house), so I decided I
wouldn't mind going back to his house for the sleepover. I can't
remember if too many mosquitos were out, or we had just gotten
bored, but we went back in a little early. I remember we watched
TV for awhile, then his Mom told us to go upstairs because her
boyfriend was coming over. So we went up and played Sorry and
Life, and were having fun because he didn't play right and would
do obviously wrong stuff and I'd be goofy trying to correct him.

Then after his Mom's boyfriend got there, she came up and said
they were "going out" and Robert's brother was going to be at a
neighbor's house, we weren't supposed to go outside, and we should
call MY mother if there was any trouble. An alarm bell went off in
my head at having to be alone there with Robert, but at the same
time I kind of felt things were cool because NOTHING Robert and I
were doing till then was anything sexual at all, no hints or
anything. We were playing games like normal 11 and 12 year olds,
so I felt ok.

Not 30 seconds after they left, though, Robert's mood got suddenly
excited, he started bouncing on the bed we were sitting on
(knocking off the pieces), took off and flung his shirt, and said
"let's look at pornos!"

I replied "Nah, let's keep playing" but he went over to the
sliding bookshelves anyway and fished out his magazines. But his
demeanor was different than the last time--he was happier and we
had been having fun, so I thought if he ever got "too hyper"
(which is how I referred to it in my head) I could always just run
out and he'd never catch me.

Also I was a little curious about it too. He had a whole bunch of
magazines and I had only looked at that one in my life, so I
didn't really resist when he brought back the stack, and I picked
one up to look through. (I remember it was guys and girls, and I
had a little bit of curiousity at the guys since I had never seen
a naked grown man before).

Then Robert said "Are you gonna jack off?" I truthfully had never
heard that phrase before! (Times were different back then, without
internet and cable TV...). I thought, that's not what we did
before, was it?! (no, I remembered, that was apparently
'buttfucking'.)

I just kind of sat there, then Robert said "Don't you know how?"
and I shook my head no. Then he said "I'll show you, watch."

But he did say it in an eager, friendly way, like we were sharing
a secret, not like the "trick" from before where he was forceful.
So I sat there and watched him, as he sat on the bed's pillow,
leaning against the wall, shorts to his thighs. He explained a
little about how you "put your hand", and went at it which I
thought was a little bit interesting but got boring. Then I put
the baby oil on myself and tried doing it (I remember I didn't
have an erection, and had to stand on my knees on the bed because
my pants were just down a little, so it was awkward). I remember
thinking it was "ok," but nothing special, nothing worth getting
hyper about it like Robert was getting. He never said (or I didn't
hear) anything about some kind of finish or "orgasm," so it seemed
pointless to me, and I sat back down and thumbed through some
magazines while listening to the "smack smack smack" of his
lubricant.

Meanwhile, Robert would go a little while, stop, flip the pages,
go some more, stop, then he finally found one and went for about a
minute. Never looking at me or anything intimidating. I felt semi-
comfortable still and was intrigued by one of the magazines I saw
which wasn't as hardcore, it was just nude women and not much
really close up (which I thought was gross). I can't remember if I
got aroused, though I don't think so, it was more curiosity.

But then Robert suddenly stopped and stood up on the floor and
slid off his shorts and underwear the whole way (leaving only his
knee-high tube socks, which I remember vividly were blue and red
striped at the top). My first thought was "uh oh", and I started
to close the magazine and thought about running back home, when he
said "Rick, lay down."

I said "NO I don't want to do that, I'm going home" and Robert
started pleading with me. He said "Come on, it feels good" ("NO it
doesn't!"), and "Just let me do it for a little bit, I'll stop if
you want" ("NO, I don't want to!"), "Come on!!!" ("NO!!!")

Then he said "I'll let you do it to me, you can pretend I'm a
girl, it feels like sex with a girl" and I paused a second. So
THAT's why he wanted to do it! I hadn't figured it out until
then... but I did know from school or somewhere that "sex with a
girl" was supposed to be "the greatest feeling in the world." I
was a little curious. I wasn't aroused, but between the situation
and the magazines and a naked person in the room (Robert) it was a
different "environment" than I had ever been in and I felt funny.
In a kind of curious, naughty, mischevous way... but still scared
in the background, and wary of him maybe suddenly deciding to
punch me.

So I told him "Ok, but I get to do it to you too" ("fine"), "and
you gotta stop if I tell you" ("ok") , "and don't push hard when
you do it" ("I won't"). And, "let's do it on here (the bed)
because the floor's too hard" ("ok").

Robert was all hyper again, but I had steered him away from angry-
hyper, now to more excited-hyper. Though I wasn't aroused, I was a
little curious and a little excited at the new concept of me
pretending he was a girl and getting to "have sex" with a girl.

I remember some moments of anticipation and excitation scooping up
the pieces of the board game, crudely plopping down the magazine
stack on the floor, and pulling off my clothes. I also had some
interest in looking at him a little (first live nude body I
remember seeing, other than my own -- none of my family ever saw
each other nude). And I remember staring at his penis a little,
because it was different than mine since it was longer and stuck
out upward at maybe 45 degrees (compared to mine which just
pointed straight out). So there was a little -- very slight --
arousal at that point due to the anticipation.

But I did NOT look forward to the boredom of "waiting" like last
time, so I just figured I would suffer through that and then it
would be my turn and I could find out what sex really felt like.

So, I willingly laid face down on the bed, and I remember putting
my arms in at my sides and clamping my legs (and butt) together.
Then Robert sat on my upper thighs and started slapping my butt
cheeks and giggling, so I thought maybe this won't be so bad,
it'll be like a game (not like last time where I was tricked) so I
looked back to see what he was doing, and also to see how he was
going to "do it" now that I knew what "it" was.

First I remember he leaned forward like he was going to do a one-
arm pushup, with the other hand holding down his erection, but
then he suddenly popped back up kind of on one leg, and lifted up
under my thighs and YANKED them apart, which hurt! I said "owwww,
don't!!" but he didn't respond, and it seemed like he was getting
back into that angry-hyper mood. Bells "kind of" went off in my
head at that point but I was also still a little curious about "my
turn." But then he leaned back forward and really tried to jam it
in, my butt instinctively clenched, and he kept pushing harder and
growled "Don't do that, let it go in all the way."

I growled back "Don't push so hard then!" and I remember he backed
off a little but still close to the opening, then I relaxed my
butt and put my hands back I guess to prevent his chest or hips
from moving forward too much. That wasn't effective because he
immediately shoved forward again and it went in with a sharp pain.
I shouted out "OWWW, GET OFF" but he didn't, he just started the
rocking which I remember made the bed squeak.

I had clenched my butt again instinctively, and his rocking just
made the bed squeak more, then he suddenly yanked it out (which
hurt just as bad) and hopped up to put on more baby oil.

I was NOT liking where this was going, and started to get up but
he started pleading again, once again as "friendly" Robert, saying
he was sorry, he wouldn't push hard, I could do it to him too and
it would feel "REALLY good," and that he just needed to put on
more baby oil which is the only reason it hurt.

I don't know why -- maybe because I feared getting hit again
because he was now starting to get a little angry -- but I felt
like "compromising," so that compromise was I'd "let him" try it
again as long as he didn't push hard.

I laid back down same as before, my legs and butt clenched, and he
got on top again then I remembered to split my legs, but he said
stick your butt up a little, which I did. I kept saying "don't
push hard, remember, don't push!" and this time he listened
because he didn't just try to jam it in. He told me "don't do that
with your butt (clench), just let it go all the way in."

I loosened my butt and he more slowly pushed it in, I think all
the way because I could feel his whole groin pressed against my
cheeks. I remember he let it sit a second then said "ohhhhhhhh" as
he laid forward on top of me with his face against the back of my
neck, then more gently started rocking.

I remember hearing his mouth right behind my ear and being a
little startled, because it was the first time I think I had heard
someone talk that close. But he said something like "mmmmmm, see,
it's like having sex with a girl" and I had the quick thought "not
for me!"

But for that first 30 seconds or maybe a minute he just laid like
that and slowly rocked, and it actually felt a lot different to me
physically than before. Part of it was were both naked and he was
laying skin on skin on top of me, but part was an more odd
sensation in my butt -- I don't know the physics of it, or maybe
my rectum was empty this time -- but it was oddly stimulating,
kind of like taking a big dump, but continuously. Much different
than the previous time when I mostly just felt jabbing and
irritating rubbing against the opening.

I actually thought, maybe this won't be so bad to wait for him to
finish. And then I remember thinking, but how does he know he's
finished? (He didn't explain orgasm to me when he showed me how to
'jack off' earlier). I concluded it was just when he got bored.

Then at one point Robert said "mmmm, I'm pretending you're a girl,
I'm going to make out with you, ok?" I wasn't quite sure what
"making out" really entailed, besides kissing on the lips, and
there was NO WAY I was going to do that. But then he started
kissing the back of my neck and "fondling" my shoulder blades --
it was a little hard to tell because my neck was sore from looking
back so I had turned to face the front, but I did feel him rubbing
around and making "oooh baby" noises.

As that went on, I started to have very new and intense feelings.
Between the close human contact, the newly stimulating sensation
in my butt (I guess his dick was rubbing against my prostate, if
12-year olds have them), my vague horniness from the magazines,
the feeling of being "protected" by someone who was covering me
and caressing me, and being alone together with all his attention
on me -- with all those swirling feelings, I was very much
becoming "aroused."

But also a little alarmed, and maybe a little disgusted, and
scared... it was a very, very, very complex feeling, certainly at
the time and probably since then THE most intense emotional
feeling I've ever experienced in my life. (I do think it's why I
didn't get away when I could have, and why I came back later).

I remember I had an erection at that point, and I remember kind of
shivering like it was cold, even though it was extremely hot
(summertime) and we were pressed skin to skin. But Robert didn't
notice, or at least he didn't say anything, and I don't remember
how long the shaking lasted but it wasn't for too long. (I guess
it was nervousness, but I had never had that happen before or
since).

But then after only maybe a minute of him "making out", maybe only
five minutes into it by then, he leaned back up to the "pushup"
position and started "humping" harder, and it started to hurt
more. I guess instinctively I was clenching my butt again, and I
guess instinctively he was trying to push harder so it just hurt.
I told him again to stop, and he growled "don't tighten it, let it
go all the way in" and I asked him to lay back down again like
"before", but he just tried to pull my legs further apart.

Then he said "stick your butt up more" so I did, but he laid on it
and it wasn't comfortable, and I pushed him back and we were both
getting frustrated. And I kind of just wanted it to be my turn, so
I semi-flipped over and said let me try now.

But then Robert just lifted my knee and leg apart to flip me onto
my back (owww!) and I wasn't sure what he was doing and I remember
fearing he was going to punch me in the balls so covered it up,
but instead he leaned over me in the pushup position and laid his
penis kind of on mine and just humped for a few seconds. Then he
laid down on top of me with his face to my right and his chin
jabbing my upper shoulder and humped again.

That warm, protected feeling came back and I wrapped my arms
around him like a hug, but after just a little bit, the friction
or the humping wasn't working and he sat back up and said turn
over.

I resisted, as I was getting bored and wanted my turn, so I said
no, let me do it now but he seemed to get angry again and said
TURN OVER, so I did.

Once again he split my legs and poked hard and I clenched, but
finally told him "DON'T DO THAT, do it slowly so it'll go all the
way in," and he did.

Again I had that odd rectal sensation -- by then I had lost my
erection I remember, but then I remember feeling the overwhelming
emotional sensations coming back again and started to get one
again, so I just kind of laid my head down to see what would
happen.

Robert would push hard each time, but maybe (again I don't know
the physics) my rectum was "stretched" out somehow, because it
didn't hurt like before. He kind of got into a hard rhythm, and
he'd alternate between push-up style and laying down (resting?)
and pushing slowly for a minute, then back up and pushing hard.

I guess all in all it went on for 10 minutes, maybe up to 15, but
it didn't seem as long as before. There was some monotony for me
toward the end, I don't remember how long or if I stayed aroused
or not, but when he suddenly stopped and just laid back down on
top of me without rocking, I remember getting erect from that
sudden body contact (and him stopping the pushing).

Then he got up and I remember thinking, oh good, I get to try it,
I wonder what sex feels like! I started thinking about one of the
naked woman I saw in the magazine and I really felt aroused... and
at that point in my life I had never had an orgasm so I'm sure I
had the start of young hormones and a lifetime of "frustration"
built up.

I was very eager to go and said "Ok, let me do it now" but he said
"just a minute" and walked out to the bathroom. I heard the sink
going and remember sitting there waiting in anticipation, and went
over and put more baby oil on because that's what Robert had done.

But then he came back and picked up his underwear like he was
going to get dressed, and I said "come on, you said I could do it
too" and he said "maybe later." This made me kind of angry, but
maybe because of my undirected arousal I guess I wasn't too picky
and I started looking for the one porno mag I found I had liked,
but couldn't find it, then just started thumbing through another
one.

Meanwhile Robert had put back on his shorts, then he suddenly
burst out laughing, pointing at my erection, and I got extremely
self-conscious and covered it up. He said "see, you got a boner,
you liked it!!"

I felt ashamed, because yes I kind of did like it. But I was
thinking at the time, I got a boner because I was looking at GIRLS
right then. I think I said something about that to him but he kept
saying "wooo wooo woo, you got a BONER, you LIKE pretending to be
a girl don't you" and I thought oh no, not this again and reached
for my underwear and shorts.

Then Robert kind of pushed me down like play wrestling, so I was
on my side on the floor, and started embracing me like a girl
(kind of hugging and one hand up on the side of my head) and I
remember him saying "oooooh yea, YOU'RE going to be like my
girlfriend, I get to have SEX with you whenever I want."

I pushed back his head and said "NO WAY, I'm not gay" but he kept
laying on me and rubbing his hands over my chest and pushing up
close and taunting me, while I got angrier and kept turning away.

Finally he just hopped up non-chalantly and said "Just kidding."

I didn't know what to say, and just put my shorts back on. But
then he added, "Let's do this a lot... let's do it again later,
it's just like having a girlfriend and you get to have sex all the
time."

I still didn't know what to think, but I wasn't aroused anymore
and really just wanted to go home. We just kind of sat there for a
little bit but then Robert said let's go downstairs (to watch TV)
which seemed like maybe something new.

His mom and her boyfriend came back later with Robert's brother.
Robert and I had just watched TV the whole time, then they shooed
us back upstairs and we played some more handheld games then a
half game of Sorry when we decided to go to bed (Robert slept on
the bed and I slept on the floor).

I remember waking up in the middle of the night very emotional,
very aroused, and I kept thinking of Robert laying on me and
caressing me and that odd feeling in my butt, and though I now
knew what 'jacking off' was I still didn't realize that's what you
do when you feel that way, so I just laid there probably for an
hour or two in that agitated state until I drifted back off.

----------

I spent the next day back at home also agitated and I think
vaguely aroused, and my mom soon tired of my fidgeting and kicked
me out to play outside after lunch.

I went down to Robert's house, but his mom said he was out
playing, so I went around to find him but couldn't. I wandered
around up to our "fort" in the ravine, which was really just a
secluded clearing framed by a giant fallen tree, and dragged some
more trunks around to kind of make more "walls", but it was very
hot and humid and I soon got tired and went back home.

Daydreaming on my bed, I slowly came to realize what I really
wanted to do was "that thing" with Robert again, though really
just parts of it. Not the uncomfortable parts or where he was
jamming into me, but the one part that probably only lasted a
minute where he was laying on top of me kind of massaging my upper
arms and kissing the back of my neck, while pushed deep into me,
not really rocking much. I just had a very strong, pleasurable
reaction to that moment, as a combination of many things --
probably the closeness most of all -- that I couldn't get
elsewhere and never had felt before.

Thinking about all that I remember I got extremely aroused, and
flipped over onto my stomach and tried to "recreate" that moment
while daydreaming, using my finger. Then I realized I had never
"felt" myself there since I was probably in pre-school, and it
kind of turned into a self-exploration of the mechanics and not so
much the thought of Robert, as I kind of figured out I should
probably go to the bathroom before letting him do it again, and
use soap to clean beforehand, etc. So the arousal I think just
kind of faded out.

But then after dinner I was a little more agitated again and
rushed down to see if Robert was around. I found him out playing
kick the can with the other neighbor kids, and I joined in. But
Robert hardly acknowledged me (as usual), I was just another of
the kids playing and everyone was running around laughing, having
a good time. I still tried to get close to him, and he wasn't
hostile, but there was just nothing different.

That kind of went on for the next week, maybe. Also Kevin (his
best friend) was around him a lot and they seemed to be doing
stuff on the side (sticker collecting I seem to remember) and I
was actually very jealous! Robert was still friendly, it was just
apparent I wasn't his 'best' friend which I think is what I really
wanted to be.

But we'd still all play-wrestle in the grass, and Robert would be
the instigator as usual and it was implied he always had to be the
"winner". He'd wrestle me down, giggling and pressed up against
me, and I'd kind of fall limp and wonder if it was starting again
(and I was ready to let him, even outside it seemed!), but he'd
just roll me over or lift me back up and keep wrestling with no
extra connotations.

This went on some more days and I pretty much determined the whole
thing was a one (two-time) event and that I should forget about
it.

Then one Saturday after dinner (I remember it was a Saturday
because my Dad was home), Robert showed up at my door. This was
probably a week, or maybe two since our last sleepover. It was odd
because he had NEVER come to my house by himself, in fact he was
only up at my house once (with the other guys) when I had to run
back to get some batteries. And it was just Robert this time, none
of the other guys. Very odd, for him!

And he made continuous eye contact when he talked. Usually he was
distracted by the activity -- the ball, the other kids, whatever
was going on, and didn't stare at someone when he talked to them,
it was always an aside. But here he gazed straight at me and asked
if I wanted to "come over".

I said "uhhh, sure!"

He replied "I mean, sleep over."

"Uhhh, sure... who else is going to be there?"

"I dunno, Chuck maybe."

For some reason I felt disappointed. I guess I wanted to be
Robert's best friend and didn't want the others to be around (I
wasn't even thinking about sex) so I suggested that three was too
many because we get too "hyper," and Robert just said ok.

My mom said it was OK and we went up to get my stuff, and while in
my room Robert kind of urgently whispered "do you have any baby
oil?" Then I recalled the whole sex thing I thought Robert had
forgotten about. It all came flooding back and I think my vision
actually narrowed and I started breathing heavy. But then my
vision came back and I said no (I had looked around before when I
did my butt experimentation a week or so before). But then I said
we could probably buy some at the store (a kwik-mart was within
walking distance) and Robert suddenly got excited again.

Wow, I was really excited too. We went back and dropped off my
stuff and went up to the kwik-mart. I got a little nervous
thinking up a story in case they asked, and was so nervous in fact
I just kind of blurted out something about "for my baby sister"
without the clerk asking, and I remember her looking up puzzled.

But anyway, we went back to his place and his Mom was there. I
thought, uh oh, she'd hear us, or she'd walk in on us (the main
reason I never invited Robert over to my place, because my mom was
ALWAYS home).

We went upstairs, and without my asking, Robert mentioned his mom
was spending the night at her boyfriend's and he didn't want to be
alone (a lot later I also found out his mom wouldn't let him be
alone in the house with his brother, who was four or five -- I
think she used to send him to a neighbor to babysit). Meaning we
were going to have the home to ourselves, again...

But even after his mom left, Robert just wanted to play the
coleco. I was very anxious, and very aroused just at the whole
situation, being alone together, the pornos I knew were over on
the shelves, not really him in particular I don't think. But as he
continued to sit on the edge of the bed playing, me kind of
bouncing around on the bed behind him, I started to notice his
body and how it was different than mine.

The main thing was his biceps. In those days (late 70's/early
80's). T-shirts didn't come down much over the shoulder, so guys'
biceps were always exposed. And I had even noticed playing around
outside how whenever he'd bend his elbow up, the round ball of his
biceps would kind of pop out and slide up his upper arm. I thought
that was kind of... interesting... because kids just didn't have
biceps and I didn't either. And he was only 11 (or maybe even 10,
I don't remember when his birthday was), and not into puberty at
all, so it stood out to me.

And I also remember looking at his shoulders and (what I know now
as) his lats. He had broad shoulders and a V-shaped torso, and I
knew when he had his shirt off his chest looked more like a man's
than a boy's. I didn't know the muscle names, but looking back I
knew I noticed fairly defined pectorals, whereas myself and I
think most boys that age just have a flat chest. He just had that
body shape genetically, but he was very lean, too.

I was also envious of his penis, something about it. Maybe how it
pointed upward (mine didn't), maybe how it always seemed to be
stretching so tight like trying to get out of its skin, I'm not
sure, but it just seemed very "strong" and potent. Also it was
longer than mine -- on a later occasion (maybe a month later) we
were all measuring and I had to measure for everyone (Kevin,
Chuck, him and me) beacuse they couldn't read a ruler, and I just
remember his was "four and a fourth" while mine I don't remember
exactly but I think was only three inches or less. Size
differences didn't mean anything to me at the time, but I guess
his longer size when looked at from the side just made him look
very adult or manly compared to when I looked at myself from the
side in the mirror.

So I wasn't really aroused by his body per se I don't think, all I
knew was that I was envious, and I definitely wanted my body to be
like his.

But I also wanted him to be on TOP of me again, and I wanted to
get in that situation where it felt like his body was covering me
and protecting me, and all his attention was on me. All I knew was
at that moment I really did want HIM and most oddly of all I
wanted him IN me.

Of course I didn't know how to say or verbalize that, because
those are very complex emotions for a 12-year old, so mostly I
just bounced around and fidgeted and tried to get his attention.
But finally I just said "Robert, I'll pretend to be your
girlfriend for the rest of the night if you want."

Robert looked over, kind of thought for a second, then said "hmmm,
ok" and looked back down at the game and kept playing. Agh! I was
frustrated.

I got up in front of him and with a "girly" voice kind of writhed
and rubbed myself in a mock stripper way and said "oooh, Robert,
let's have SEX," but he just looked up briefly, kind of laughed,
and looked back down. Nothing!

Then after a few seconds, he said "do like a stripper, strip your
clothes off and stuff."

I was just really aroused. I wasn't aroused at sex with a GUY, I
just wanted to do SOMETHING sexual, anything vague having to do
with sex. I had never actually had an orgasm up to that point, so
I'm sure there were all kinds of pressures and tensions built up
still. I said "ok!" and started some kind of strip-tease,
dramatically taking off my shirt and wiggling my butt at him, the
stereotypical stuff I knew from TV. Finally I slid down my shorts
and I remember I was ROCK hard -- probably the hardest I'd ever
been in my life. I remember it ached, it was so hard.

When I spun back around, he saw my erection and everything, but
his look was more of amusement and a little bit of "ewwwwwwww!"
than excitement. He said "Wow, do you LIKE being like a girl?!"

That was a complex question for all that was going through my
head! Being a "girl" was about the worst insult back then you
could call a boy. I wasn't being a "girl", I was -- I wasn't sure.
I guess it was more the eagerness right then to preTEND to be one
for Robert, so he'd lay on me and protect me and we could have
"sex".

But of course I couldn't express all that. I just said "yea!"
Robert didn't say "ewww" or show any reaction, he just kept
watching somewhat wide-eyed. I turned back around wiggling my butt
and saying goofy "oooh baby, I want you baby" things, but I also
was thinking that I just admitted to him I LIKED being a girl
(even though I didn't, as I explained above), and if that ever got
out, or he told ANYONE (even Kevin who'd already seen me before),
I would be absolutely dead socially. My life would be over.

But this realization at my new vulnerability to Robert for some
reason made me even more excited! I don't know why. Maybe it was
because I was now at his complete mercy, and I would now have no
way to get out of anything he wanted me to do. I would have to do
anything he said, otherwise he could tell people I said I liked
being a girl. For some reason that vulnerability and complete
submission to him was just extremely exciting, at that time.

I might have been doing the dancing too much, or too poorly,
because he just kept sitting there watching, leaning back on his
hands somewhat idly. He wasn't reacting, and I was going crazy...
I didn't know what else to do!

Then I got a little more goofy and "seductive" and went up to him
and kind of slid my hands down his thighs while puckering out my
lips and saying "oooh baby, I want to be your GIRLfriend" thinking
maybe that would "seduce" him, but he just giggled! I remember
thinking "damn it" and getting frustrated. I WANTED IT SO BAD for
some reason.

Finally I told him he could do it in my butt and do it all night
"if he wanted," and I wouldn't even tell him to get off me. I was
just so aroused, my vision was kind of getting wierd again, I had
a stronger than ever feeling in both my groin and my butt, and I
would have done ANYTHING for him. And that's what I then said --
"You can do ANYTHING to me you want."

That got a reaction from him. He said "Ok, ANYTHING?"

I said (probably gasped) "Yea, anything."

He was getting more interested and said "And you won't tell me to
stop or anything, right?"

"Right."

"You have to do ANYTHING I say..."

"Yes."

"Ok," he paused a second as if thinking, but apparently he already
had this in mind -- "suck my dick."

Well that was a little new to me. I knew the phrase as an insult
from school, and I guess I had seen some of those porno pics with
a woman's mouth on a guy's dick, but until that moment I only saw
it as some kind of insult where you have to lick the thing a guy
pees out of. So I thought, well, ok... also I really wanted to see
his penis again (he still had his shorts on).

So I told him "ok" and got down so I was kneeling by the side of
the bed, between his legs -- his legs were over the bed and he was
leaning back on his hands. He seemed to get interested in that and
lifted up his shorts to slide them down to his thighs.

I remember he wasn't hard, or maybe just partially. But it did
seem long, just not sticking out. I got my head down close and was
reaching in with my hand, and felt him put his hand on top of my
head and kind of push down. (I didn't know why). I picked up his
penis and basically put it all in my mouth, expecting some bitter
urine taste, but it just tasted like skin.

And immediately it started swelling in my mouth, I think it only
took just a handful of seconds and suddenly only the very top was
still in there. I remember thinking "wow he got a boner really
fast" when he then told me to "put it all the way in."

I tried, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do, and just
kind of pushed it in against the roof of my mouth but only got
probably an inch or two -- no more than half -- and he kept
pushing my head down which made me start to choke.

I didn't know if I was supposed to go up or down or actually
"suck" or what, so it just kind of poked into my mouth with his
semi-thrusting I guess providing the movement. But I just remember
it felt really smooth and soft, "like a smooth, slippery rod" was
my thought back then, and I distinctly remember the skin taste and
aftertaste, like sucking on a thumb.

After maybe only ten or twenty seconds of that he pushed my head
back up and said "ok, get up." I stood up and he did too, and for
a second we were pressed front-to-front really close, I could feel
the body heat and all I wanted to do was grab and hug him. But he
was looking to the side at the porno cupboard and he kind of
pushed me back and started walking toward it. His shorts quickly
restricted his movement though, and he stopped and slid them off
and took off his shirt.

I remember he had no socks on this time, he was completely nude,
and I just kind of stared as he bent over and looked through the
magazines still in the shelves. Another surge of that strange
feeling went through me, and I remember trying to push down my
erection because it was straining so much, and I thought if I
pushed it down it might stay down and not strain like that.

Then Robert found a magazine and brought it out and back to the
bed, and I went and got the baby oil out of my duffel bag and said
"here." Then while he was still sitting on the edge looking
through the pages, I laid down on my stomach on the bed and
waited.

Robert found the page he was after and took a sudden deep breath,
then put the baby oil on himself and looked over at me. He said
"You have to do it HOWEVER I want, remember." I just said ok, and
he continued, "Even if it hurts or you want me to stop, I get to
keep doing it as long as I want."

"Ok" I said again. Actually I figured I had already experienced
everything and it couldn't possibly be THAT bad. And If it started
to hurt I could always clamp up, and remind him to go slow because
that probably felt better to him, too.

Then he crawled up toward me, holding the magazine open, and put
it over my left elbow which was on the pillow. I looked back
sideways and saw he was half staring at the picture and half
getting into position, and I remember thinking "well this is a
little different."

Then he looked down and somewhat forcefully lifted up my butt a
little, went down to the one-arm pushup position with his other
hand holding down his erection, and as before tried to jam it in
too hard, and my butt instinctively clenched.

I said "Remember, go SLOW!" and he just replied "You said I can do
it however I want -- let it go all the way in!"

He kept it pressing on the clenched opening, and I tried to
gradually loosen it but didn't quite have that control. As soon as
I let up just a little it felt like it popped open and he just
shoved in, all the way. It hurt like hell for just a few seconds,
then like before it kind of settled, and once again I started to
feel that full feeling on my prostate and could feel a surge of
arousal.

Once it got all the way in he leaned down over me, and without
thinking I reached back to hold him down against me like that.
THAT was the feeling I wanted to recreate from the last time!

But he only laid there for a few seconds then pushed up on his
hands and started rocking hard. It hurt not only pushing inward
but also outward I think because the muscle was clamped, so I
concentrated to loosen it more even though he was pushing so hard.
I remember thinking I didn't care if it hurt, I wanted him IN me
all the way.

I think the main reason was because the only vaguely sexual
stimulation I knew up to then was that feeling (I guess massaging)
of the prostate, since the few strokes I tried at masturbation the
last time I did incorrectly. And that feeling of fullness and
motion in my rectum seemed to relieve, or at least be related to
that vague tension and excitation, the deep feelings in my groin
and my erection. I guess it was like masturbation, but from behind
and inside -- I wanted him to keep going and go faster!

I did get the muscle loose and he was pushing in and out harder
than before. He'd pull all the way out sometimes because it would
pop out and he'd immediately reach down and push it back in. There
wasn't any more pain, there was just more stimulation against my
prostate, which felt great though I wasn't getting near to an
orgasm or anything. But I do remember wanting it to keep going all
night.

Unlike the times before, though, Robert finished in only about
five minutes! He just suddenly slowed way down, then pushed it all
the way in and leaned over on top of me. (THERE was that feeling
again!) And I reached back and clung on tight. I don't remember us
being all that sweaty, although it was hot, but either way I
didn't care because it was the close contact I liked.

I remember Robert let out a big moan, and a giggle. Then -- still
laying on top of me and still in me -- he said "You have to
pretend to be Stephanie (a girl in his last class). I'm going to
call you Stephanie and you have to keep doing whatever I say."

I was still hyper-aroused and frankly don't remember what I said,
but think I agreed. Meanwhile Robert laid there another ten or so
seconds, then he got off and went out to the bathroom.

---------

After Robert came back, he just wanted to go downstairs and watch
TV. He didn't even look at me or wait to see my reaction, just
pulled on his shorts and went down. I lost my arousal and got
dressed and joined him. I was kind of pissed.

Sitting on the couch, he kept calling me "Stephanie" and made me
scrunch down while sitting next to him and lay back onto his
shoulder while he put his arm around me, like I was his girlfriend
or something. At first it was odd and seemed gay, but I did feel
comfortable and protected by his strong arms, and pretty soon
melted into him as my arousal returned.

We sat like that for at least an hour as I sat frozen by
indecision. I very badly wanted to let my head fall downward and
engulf his dick into my mouth, but for some reason I thought that
was forbidden (despite having already done it and having taken it
in my ass multiple times). So I just sat there, eyes wide, leaning
back against his chest and very conscious of his hand that would
sometimes wander up and feel my nipples. I'd try to push my arms
together to make "boobs" for him, but I was too lean so I don't
think made much. But he'd feel me up anyway and I'd get dizzy from
my arousal and let out a muffled yelp that he didn't seem to
notice. I was a ragdoll in his arms...

--------

(If anybody really wants to hear the rest, I'll post it, but you
can probably guess what we did more of over the next month or so,
until I started Jr. High and got a new set of friends).