Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2006 16:39:58 -0700 (PDT) From: D One Subject: Decisions The marriage had been a mistake of course. When March stammered that fact, she told him they couldn't get a divorce as she was pregnant. His gut, already in a knot so tight his body couldn't even move, tightened even more and the pain made him shake. She cried of course and then changed her story. She knew he was right she said. And she moved to the writers desk, removing the letters she had put in the drawer. He recognized them immediately. Since getting discharged, he had written some of his friends still in the service. Little black bars of ink had crossed out sensative words such as locations, activities and military content. But some sympathetic if not supportive person left in other words and phrases. Of course he had written in such a way that nobody could say they were letters between two queers. But if anyone with any intelligence read them carefully, they could see the bond of friendship between two former military buddies was intense. "I've known for awhile, maybe before we got married" she said staring at the letters. His body was not only shaking then but beginning to panic. How did she know? He wasn't even sure. He had known her since high school. A star on the wrestling team, he was considered prime dating material. And they did. The year after high school, he was lost, not sure whether he should go to community college or sign up for the military. "Crocker" she said that name and answered his unasked question. Crocker was one of his high school friends. And like him, Crocker spent a year after graduation trying to figure out his future. They'd smoke dope and drink beer staring into the night. They'd wrestle as they did in high school and enjoyed each other's friendship. Then one late night their wrestling on the grass in the night turned into something more. Both let it happen. They kissed and felt each other's excitement. "feels like it did on the team" Crocker whispered in the dark as he recalled the times his penis expanded while wrestling with his friends...especially March. And he felt March's excitement too. They didn't talk much letting their bodies dictate what was in their heads. And that summer seemed to pass faster and faster while they explored activities they dared not talk about. When March's father dictated he had to make up his mind, he couldn't decide. Crocker didn't help as he grew moody knowing the future was swiftly overtaking him. His note made March mad and then cry. "I had to split before my folks made me join the Marines. Going to San Francisco, hope you can come too". March signed the papers taking him into the corps. The concept of stuffing his clothing into a backpack and following Crocker just seemed to wild, too unknown and he wasn't ready to define himself as who he knew he was. She sighed heavily and said they could see a lawyer together. She wanted to go home to her folks. And she left. March walked around the rented house. The military pay helped get it for them and he sent almost all of his pay too. She had turned it into a comfortable place working at the nearby hotel all the while. He tried to go to classes but March couldn't concentrate. He missed Avery and the other guys. He'd have dreams of being with them in the dangerous desert that threatened their existance day and night. There were the nights when their lonliness and being scared brought them closer together as well. And in the back of the unused shower tent, they fround each other's nameless silhouettes. Hands, mouths and sometimes more were shared and nobody talked about it, not even off handed comments or jokes. Avery was one of his friends there who actually mentioned going there and said it so only March would hear. The squeeze on his thigh told March more. They were already close friends so nobody questioned their relationship. There were lots of close buddy relationships in the military and nobody questioned any of them. Comradship, temporary brothers and even physical exchanges weren't questioned or considered queer. But at night, March and Avery wanted more, needed more and found it in each other. He was miserable. March didn't care if anyone called him names, he'd go somewhere like Crocker did years ago...somewhere where there were others like him and Avery. The lawyer wanted them to fight. He tried to encourage her to say how much alimony she wanted. She said none. Even her parents who were in the room got angry at her. They hadn't discussed it, March's head was in a fog. He hadn't thoguht about alimony or who would get the financed car, dog or furniture. The lawyer had both of them sight the uncontested divorce and sighed. He'd not make any money off these two he knew. March stood and waited while her parents left the room and she waited behind. "You ok?" she asked. He wondered what he was doing. She had been a good companion, nagged him about work and school but never angry. She had been a celebrated date in high school, a trophy if you will though he never thought of her that way. March felt she helped define him wher ehe couldn't define himself. But he knew now that was a disguise, a "beard" some call it. "Yea, thanks" The both went back to the house and didn't speak. She went to work as usual. And he sat down trying to get the nerve up to call his folks and tell them what they had done. March didn't tell them when they decided to divorce. And now it was done. The phone rang. She asked him to come to the hotel where she worked and didn't say why. March anticipated there would be some sort of confrontation with her parents or even his. He had it coming he knew. The walk helped. The cool night air and the exercise helped March realize that whatever was about to happen was something he had to go through. It wasn't anything more then that. He'd pack his Marine duffle bag in the morning and take the bus trip .. to where he didn't know. And maybe he'd send a note to Avery just like the one Crocker had left for him a few years before. She was behind the counter where she worked. She looked up and actually smiled at him. "Hi" "Uh hi, what's up?" He asked still not comfortable looking her in the face. "In the coffee shop" she said pointing to the door that linked the lobby with the shop. He looked over and back. "Go ahead, it's ok" she said. Again March wondered why he couldn't be happy with her, she should be angry with him. March opened the door and looked around. He didn't see her angry father or his disappointed parents anywhere. There was the usual gathering of teenagers, families and some seniors. Then a face caught his attention in the far booth. The guy smiled. He had short hair and an ear ring. Obviously he wasn't from here, March thought, as men having ear rings just wasn't accepted in this small town...even though it was so close to larger more liberal cities. March stared. Crocker smiled. "Why didn't you come?" he asked as March sat. "I had to do, go, you know" March couldn't reply coherently. "Well you can come now" Crocker said. Once again March, unable to make his own decisions let fate make them for him. And this time he let it take him where he needed and wanted to go. Crocker led him to his hotel room stopping inside to kiss him like they did one summer years ago. But it was a different kind of kiss. They didn't rely on the dark to hide from others and themselves who they were. March would still send a letter to Avery but from San Francisco.