Chapter 10

 

"What were you thinking?" Bashir asks me.

I stare at him.  He's contronting me about me pretending to be Cair.  When he looks at me, I can see his disappointment. And in that moment I just feel so desperate to hold onto the lie.  It's not just about Bashir. It's the lie that made me feel important. I was the Hero of Rhinestone Alley. I was someone...for awhile.

And maybe that's why I desperatley reached out.

 

"I wanted this..."



"Did you?" a voice asks from behind me.

 

I turn and notice Joseph is with us.  It's not just Joseph. There are the camera crews.  Not only Lisa but the camera crew from Squad A. There are about 5 of them in Squad A.  They seemed a lot more legit than our camera crew. There equipment was better. They had a buffer boy and a loud mouth man with a mustache screaming orders.  

 

All I hear is: "GOOD SHOT! GOOD SHOT!  IT'S HAPPENING!"

 

My mouth goes dry.  I want to tell Joseph that's not what I mean that Bashir means nothing to me.  I want to tell him all of those things but nothing comes out and he looks really hurt in this moment.  I realize desperately that this maybe one of the worst days of my life. And I am removed from my body in that moment.  It's as though some even spirit took me away and I'm just watching all this play out with no way of stopping it. 

 

"You're pathetic," Cair tells me.

Seeing my brother after all this time look down on me with this look of disgust makes me feel like that kid back in the day.  The one who was never good enough. The younger brother who desperately wanted to fit in. Right now I see Cair standing with Marcus.  

And of course Marcus has to say, "I knew there was something off about him.  He should be in jail. Why isn't he in jail?"



"He has friends in high places..."  Cair tells our cousin.

They all are staring at me.  Squad A, the other squads, the other soldiers in the waiting area.   The camers are on me. I have no one. Joseph is hurt. Tanaka is no where in sight and Maggot  is pissed that I've been lying to him.  

 

"This guy is pathetic," Salvatore Mander points out, "He's not worth the trouble of a conversation.  Lucky if we don't take him out right on the battlefield."



My heart races.

"Did you just threaten me?" I ask, looking around, "He just threatened me!"



No one seems to be disturbed by it.  It was the opposite actually. People were looking at me like I had three heads. I felt as though I was in the twilight zone.  It was as though everyone all of a sudden flipped on the hero that they liked not too long ago. It's just how it always was. Cair got the attention that I wanted.  He lived the life that I wanted. And now that he was back everyone would take his side no matter what I said.




"No I didn't," Salvatore says.



Him and his dickhead boyfriend start laughing.  Their smug smirks have toothpicks coming out of them.  They are full of themselves.

 

I look over at Bashir. 

"If I ever meant anything to you...I need you to stand up for me right now..."



Especially right now.  The world was watching.  Everyone was staring at us.   Everyone watching us and trying to understand.  

 

"Did you just think you were going to get away with pretending to be my boyfriend? Did you think you would really mean anything?"

 

My heart drops.

And just like that he and Cair walk away leaving me speechless.

 

~

 

Weeks pass.  The vibrations of life click back into place and reality hits me again.  I am not that guy. I never have been. Sooner rather than later we graduate out of bootcamp, pulling ourselves through it all.   The short lived success from bootcamp is overshadowed by the scandal of my brother being brought back. And I have to blame it all on Boone.  It's clear he has it out for me and he won't stop until I'm gone.

 

"Congratulations...you are the world's most hated man..."


This comes from Maggot.  He's saying something that everyone knows at this point. 

 

We are in a waiting room, preparing to be deployed into battle.  It's been weeks since Cair has been back. He came back and well life went back to how it was before.  Before I was pretending to be him. In the waiting room, we are forced to see his picture on the three screens in the waiting room.  There are hundreds of us and all we have been doing now is waiting and watching Cair's great reunion. And then my name comes up on the screen.  A few of the army boys boo at the screen loudly enough that I bury my hand in my palm.  

I shake my head, "It's that bad isn't it?"


Tanaka responds with a quick grunt, "The worst part is we didn't even get an extra person on the squad.  He got moved to Squad A. They fly private..."

 

I'm not surprised he got moved to Squad A.  That's the kind of guy Cair was to everyone. An A-Class sort of guy.  Seeing how other people treated him as soon as he comes back pales in comparison to anything that I've felt in the past.

 

The reality is it hurts. 

 

"What about Joseph..."



Tanaka sighs, "He's hurt.  He cares about you. Through all of this.  Kind of sucks to be put second place like that."



"I never meant to..."




"You should tell him that..."



"He isn't talking to me."




Joseph is leaned up against a wall.  He hasn't sat for hours. He has music playing on his phone and his earplugs in.  He's been anti-social everytime I'm around. Avoiding me just like everyone else but for a completely different reason.

And it strange that the main thought I've had through all of this was him. 

 

I get up.  

 

My heart is racing when I get over to him.  It's as though I notice everything about him as I approach.  I notice the curve in his brows. I notice the flicker in his eyes.  I notice the life in him. A life that I'd ignored so many times. It's hard to explain what I see when I look at him but I know that I like it. 


I know that I want to know more about that light. 

 

"Hey..."



He avoids eye contact staring back on his phone and shuffling through music even though he had seemed only a minute ago to be settled on the song that he was playing.

"May I talk to you?"

 

"We are about to be deployed Cicily."



"That's why I need to talk to you," I tell him, "Because I may not get another chance.  Because once we are on the ground. Once we get our mission...there may be no coming back."

 

 

He drops his earpods out of his ear.  He may be pissed off to the maximum at this moment but I think deep inside he has a feeling that this may be the last time we could have this conversation as well.

This conversation meant everything.

 

In a deep voice he grunts out the words, "Go ahead."




I take a deep breath.  It's hard to breath. There is a shortage of oxygen.  And it's necessary for me to make myself clear. It isn't until I'm ready to talk that I see Lisa and Osiris walk up to us. 

"Seriously...?" I ask Lisa.

I get no response.  They are just doing their job.  I think at this point it's kind of sad that we are getting used to it.  It's kind of sad that the world is playing this out in front of all of us. 



"Say what you got to say,"  Joseph tells me, "They'll always be around."




I take another deep breath.

"I know you hate me..." I start off.

"Stop.  I don't hate you," Joseph corrects me.

"But you're disppointed.  I hurt you in a way that I can never take back.  I hurt you in a way that I should never have to. I'm not perfect but my intentions aren't bad.  You've been there for me through it all and I want you to know that no matter what happens I'm going to pay you back for your kindness to me.  I know you probably aren't open for something...more...but if you were...I promise I'd never let you down again."



I was putting everything out there.  Weeks of sleepless nights thinking about how to address this man that I couldn't get off my mind.  I look at him, his powerful eyes and his beautiful lips. I imagine him reaching up to me, pulling me close and kissing me.  Letting me know everything would be OK.

 

But that wasn't the case.



"I think..." he pauses and by now my heart is stuck in my stomach and it churns like a washing machine, "I think...we ought to just be allies.  You know? Let's focus on keeping each other alive..."




Shit.  I look him dead in his eyes.  Osiris clears his throat reminding me that we are not alone.  The world was with us. This would probably show on television tomorrow.  Everyone would see him shutting me down. 

 

As though things couldn't get worse for me. 

 

"I get it...yeah.  Allies..."



"Yeah.  Well...I think they maybe calling for us..."




It's awkward.  It's awkward when he turns away from me and I'm looking at the back of his neck.  This was probably the worst scenario. The boy who I was obsessed with had been turned off by this entire situation and I am being marched off to war with all of this lingering on my brain.

 

~

 

 

One minute.   Three, two, one, my parachute sprang free with a force that jerked my body firmly.  It felt like himself had blessed me with wings making me glide softly and graciously through the air.  A quiet howling passed through my body as the only noise was wind, whistling and howling like a wolf when we land.  Soft dirt of the fields came in contact with the bottom of my shoes. I finally landed. THe white parachute fell around us.  

Soon Tanaka and Joseph run over helping me with the parachute and the body suits.




"You OK?" Joseph asks.



"Better..." I respond, "Thanks."




An awkward moment passes where we glimpse at one another.  I think he can see the longing in my eyes. Even now being dropped off in the middle of a warzone with no idea about our mission or where we would land. 

 

"Maggot," Tanaka interrupts us with a stern reminder.

 

Surely enough the last member of our team was landing now not too far off the field.   We get Maggot and follow Joseph Varney through the fields to the rendezvous point. Squad A and Squad B were already there.

"Late as usual," Salvatore Mander muses as we enter. 

 

The other soldiers stare at us.  I guess it's my fault. I've made things awkward.  As I walk in I see Cair standing next to Salvatore Mander and snickering abit as Salvatore's comment.  He must be eating these moments up. Moments where he was put in such a beautiful spotlight. I look over at Bashir at his side. 


Standing in front of us is Colonel Iverson.  I remember him from bootcamp. He was a stern man who was in charge of the officers.  One of his eyes is missing, taken from battle but he still manages to be somewhat handsome in a unique way of his own.   His aging grey hair doesn't seem to mean aging in his case. Even now perhaps in his 60s, he seems able to take out any many in the room half his age. 

 

He shouted "At 19:00 hours Operation Crying Spider will commence". 

 

His squad of the elitr special forces officers noded in agreement. Next to him was his Lt. Colonel Balram who had been in charge of Squad A.   Balram today was no ordinary young bloke. He was Lt. Col. Balram. He was one of New Jerusalem's most decorated soldiers. His squad was assigned the task of flushing out a group of highly trained insurgents. It was Belram and Squad A who had intelligence that led us to a web of secrets that led to Io Castle and his lover Dom Castle.   

 

 `SPIDER'   The words were written on the Dashboard. 

 

"Our mission is simple.  After our king's nuclear attack, the United States is vulnerable.  Right now we are located 3 miles west of downtown Philadelphia, on enemy's territory.  The United States forces have been all but defeated during their backing of Io. Traitor, Io Castle is held up in the East Wing Building and his father wants him back...alive..."




Tanaka leans in to me, "Sending an army after his own son..."




"What was that, private?" Iverson asks.

"Nothing sir..."




Iverson is serious.  Dead serious. The other teams shoot us over a look.  I have no space to feel like Tanaka is embarrassing Squad C after all the things that I've done so I just pat him on his shoulder a little bit. 

 

Iverson gets in his face though, "The real army has done most of the work.  For some reason however...we are to give you all the credit after we fought and died to secure Io Castle and defeat the American forces..."




Iverson looks pissed.  I get it. It was no small feat to destroy the US. They were a world power.  Titus had no point but to do a preliminary nuclear attack and he hadn't let up with his attacks since then.  It was cruel in a way but this was the world we lived in. This was what war created. 

 

"Alone sir?" Tanaka asks.

I elbow him.  Hard. The look on his face is full fear.  It's visual. We were all scared to death. Scared that we would die too young.  Scared we wouldn't get to experience all the things others would because of a war that didn't have our name on it.  It had the Castle name on it. And I doubt none of us were willing to die for that name. 

 

"Each Squad goes through a different entrance," Iverson explains, "We've secured the ground floor and three floors up.   The elevators aren't working and Io is on the 52nd floor. The first one to get to Io and secure him win. He will resist.  And that's where we separate the boys----from the men."

 

 

"We'll make you proud sir," Salvatore Mander states.

 

Iverson grunts. A hearty grunt. The grunt of a man who is probably already proud.  And what's not to be proud of with Salvatore Mander, Andre Jasper, Bashir Ballerina and Cicily Queeney.  The four were part of an elite team. They were standing there full of themselves. The rest of the room seems to have the same look as Iverson.

 

 

And for the rest of us.  We didn't stand a chance.  That's how it felt like at least.  We didn't have a chance to get to Io.

 

And maybe that's why an hour later we are in a wall standing there, breathing, wondering if we should advance down the darkness.  As the minutes pass the four of us are just looking at one another. Lisa and Osiris aren't far. 

 

"You guys aren't even going to try?" Lisa  asks. 

"What's the point?" Tanaka asks, "Squad A is going to get to Io.  We all knew it. That's how this is already edited. We already know the season finale for your little reality show."




"I'm not going to die a virgin?" Maggot falls to the ground.

"We can wait it out," Varney adds in dropping is ruckpack at the feet of Tanaka.

They all start settling in and getting comfortable.  I think in their minds, the idea of not wanting to go anywhere.  We've lucked out in a way. Lucked out where we were dropped off to a place where people wouldn't be immediately shooting at us.  Pass the next corridor and up a few staircases who knew what would happen.




"Guys...I'm going," I state.

All of them seem surprised, even Lisa and Osiris were shocked.  They'd already dropped down the heavy camera equipment. I don't drop anything though.  My M16 assault rifle is clutched in my hands. I'm breathing heavy but I do it through my mouth so I don't pass out.  I'm nervous but I'm still standing and when I look down that hallway I don't know what I'm looking for. 

 

"What are you on?" Joseph Varney asks me.

"I'm going Varney," I tell him, shaking my head as I move away from him, "There's nothing in this hallway for me."




"What's up those stairs?" Tanaka asks.

 

"Glory," I shrug.

For a moment everyone gets quiet.  For a moment I think it means something when I say that word.  But after a few seconds someone breaks out into laughter. I think it's Maggot but honestly it doesn't matter because everyone is laughing in the next few minutes.  It was as though I was giving them comedy relief from their troubles. But the thing was I was dead serious.

 

It's Varney who gets in my face.  He walks up to me. Right in my face.  When he opens my mouth his sweet breath hits my face. 

"No one cares about the glory of the fuckin' Castles and their regime-change war."




I agree, "You're right.  But this isn't about them.  This is about us. It's about me.  I lived my life for so long not knowing what I was.  Hiding the very thing that made me who I was. My pride.  My soul. Everything that I am. It hid. I'm not that person anymore.  Life is short and I refuse to live one more moment afraid."



Joseph gives me a look, "You're serious?"



"Dead serious.  Varney----no...Jo...I have a reason to fight."




"The Castles are the bad guys if you haven't noticed," Tanaka rages getting angry and looking at Varney, "Stop looking at him like that, Varney.  I swear to god."



I was confused on what Tanaka was referring to until I turn and look at Joseph Varney.  He was staring at me. The way he stared at me made my heart stop. It was the warmest stare that I've ever felt in my life.  It was as though he went into my soul, saw me for the very first time and met me. He shook my hand. He introduced himself to me.  I'd known Varney forever but for some reason it isn't until that moment that it felt like he knows me.

"We go up there...most likely not all of us come back," he states.

"I know..."




"We walk up those stairs and theres no turning back.  We keep going until the end..." he states.  

 

"I know..."




"We are NOT going.  Stop looking at him like that..."

 

"I don't need you guys to come with me," I tell them, "I'm going alone.  This is my decision. Thank you for coming with me this far. But I remember that little boy.  That little boy who had a dream about a world where who you love is not held against you. A world where love is love.  Goodness is goodness. Light is light. And at the end of that light there is a rainbow. And that little boy...well...he'll know that rainbow is safe when he sees it.  He knows that the Castles can't steal away the dream. One day New Jerusalem is going to be a place that we are all proud of. One day, New Jerusalem will be a beacon in the sky."




They are all crying.  All of them. Even Maggot. Somehow even at his age he's able to relate to the words coming out of my mouth.  I think they understand. It's all clear. There was still a dream for New Jerusalem. One that hadn't been corrupted by Castle ambition.

 

And with that, I walk away. 




~

 

 

I get to the 8th floor.   There is heavy smoke. I'm alone at this point.  My flashlight is the only thing I can see. Guinfire and shouting muffled voices were the only other sounds from my heavy breathing.  People were close. There was fighting here. I walk in amongst Rainbow men pulling soldiers down the steps. The determined moans of invisible men struggling with missing limbs, trying to find their way back. 

I go past them.  Up more. Towards the fighting.  My heart is racing. Sweat is already pouring.  The building is hot. The air has been shut down along with everything else.  There is fighting outside of the walls of the building still. Our situation was very clear and luckily even alone I could hear updates on the radio.  The United States reinforcements had come. Thousands of men were descending on the area.


We only had a limited time to secure Io Castle and imprison him.  That would stop the United States claim on New Jerusalem. It would take them out of the war for good.  With the great military power gone we'd be able to defeat negotiate with the Russiand and the Chinese. That's if Druscilla Castle and Caesar Castle were open to it.  

 

I move into the smoke.

My lungs choking up. 



"FAGGOT SCUM!"  I hear someone scream.

Suddenly gunshots ring out to my left.  There' sa sharp pain in my left shoulder.

 

Shot.

I grab my gun.  Up the stairs a familiar figure rushes across the entrayway, without thinking, I shoot.

The figure drops.

 

Another figure steps out of the shadows and points their gun towards me. 

I shoot.

The figure drops. 

 

I stand and stare at the two other bodies and the one lying to my right. I stop running and fall to the ground on whatever floor.  I hold onto the desk in an attempt to get back up. The pain in my shoulder is proving to be too much, and for am oment I forget about my brother and my goals.  I'm fighting for my life.

 

"You're OK...it's just a flesh wound.  Stay with me. Here drink this..."



At first I think it's an angel.  My eyes are blurred. But when they focus it's only him.  Joseph Varney. He's by my side. All of a sudden I don't feel like I'm dying.  All of a sudden I realize my mind may have been playing tricks on me. 

 

I'm fine.  And it's seeing that he followed me means the world.



"You stayed."



"I left right after you did," he states, "Immediately.  There's no way I was going to let you do this to yourself."



"Why?"




He shrugs, "You weren't the only little boy who was born into a world where immediately he was told that the way he loved and the way he thought was wrong.  No one understands that. An entire world hating who you are. So I fight for that too. I fight...I fight for love."



I'm staring at him. Not his face though.  I'm staring at his lips as they tell me the most beautiful words that I've ever heard before. 

 

"For love?"



"Yeah.  Love in all forms," he tells me, "I hear them coming.  You hear that?"

He helps me off the ground.  There is a sound. Soldiers were coming to our room.  A couple of feet. My heart races as I clutch to my gun.   We are close. Too soldiers stanidng there. I'm bloodied and somehow so is he.  He must have gone through hell to get here. No doubt they were attacking the stairwell right now. 

"Kiss me."



"What?"



"Kiss me.  We may never have another chance..."




He grabs me at that moment, pulling me close.  His mouth clutching on mine. There is no distance between us in that moment.  Everything is laid out on the table. All those small moments we stared at each other from across the room, or the feats of jealousy we both felt when we played our games or even the feeling of emptiness anytime he wasn't around.  Now that he was in my life I couldn't imagine not having him here by my side in this very moment. Even if this lead me to my death I knew it would be all worth it.

For a kiss.  For a moment of love.  To show the universe, yes, God loves us too.  God could only create something so beautiful as the rainbow for good.  And that was our symbol. That's who we are.

And when we stop kissing.  The world doesn't stop. It continues on but the two of us know that kiss would last for an eternity in the universe. 





"Tell me that didn't mean something," I dare him, promising another kiss if he did.

We didn't have the time though.  I know when I hear the bodies coming out of the gate.  They were enemies. More enemies than we could defeat on our own. They had blocked us out from all sides and the enemy had orders to kill on site.  We would not be shown mercy. We would not be taken prisoner.

We would be killed. 

 

"Survive," he tells me, "Survive and I'll tell you everything I feel for you.  Everything you've been wondering. I'll tell you everything."



My mind rampages.



He was telling me to do something impossible. I tear a strip from my uniform and retie the bandages, soaked and bloodied.  Yes it was impossible but that was the thing. People do impossible things for love...

 

 

 

 

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