Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 18:59:04 -0500
From: frontrnrusa@netscape.net
Subject: War Story II

This story has an adult theme.  Your thoughts and comments are appreciated:
Frontrnrusa@netscape.net


War Story II
Copyright 2005 Holloway H.


I hate the fucking sand blowing in my eyes all the time, it's either sand
or sweat that keep my eyes bloodshot, not even my goggles keep it
completely out.  At night I get so cold sometimes too cold to sleep my
teeth chatter, I wonder if it is the temperature or the fear of dying when
I close my eyes.

I have been a Marine for just over two years.  I was promoted to Corporal
here in Iraq, and my name is Ryan.  I am not like other Marines, I have no
real friends, and actually I am pretty much a loner.  I mean when we're out
on patrol I'm a part of the team and I'd die for any of the guys but once
we're in camp I like to be alone, usually working out or reading.  I think
the guys understand, most of the time they laugh and tell the new guys I'm
a hard ass, saying that I like things done the right way, that part is true
I want things done by the book, that way everyone will go home if it's in
my power.  Our platoon has had a hard time of it since the government
announced elections next year.  A roadside bomb killed Gunny Davis.  We
were with him until he took his last breath, his death made us all realize
that we could die at anytime.  I am sure we all felt invincible up to that
point but not any longer.  Gunny Davis was a great guy he had two young
daughters and his wife was really nice to all of us, she would send cookies
and stuff to the guys all the time.  I feel bad for his family I would have
given anything to trade places with him he should be going home.

Growing up my old man hated me.  I never knew my mother she died of
complications during my birth.  My old man blamed me every day of my life
since I was old enough to understand.  He made sure I understood that I was
not worth the life of his wife and he hated me and always would.  At first,
my mother's mother helped raise me but my old man ran her off.  My father's
brother Eric took over raising me.  He was all right and other than being
an alcoholic he tried to take the place of my father.  At the age of
fifteen I stood almost 6 feet, with thick jet black hair cut military short
and light olive skin, my mother's heritage was Spanish from Mexico and my
father was Californian with Blonde hair and blue eyes. I got blue eyes from
his side.

During my sixteenth birthday my father was away on business for two weeks,
Uncle Eric took me to the movies we got home around 11pm.  I knew Uncle
Eric could be mean when he drank, I never realized how mean until that
night.  I had gone to bed and been asleep about an hour when Uncle Eric
woke me up.  He was sitting on the side of the bed talking to me through
slurred words.  He lay down beside me I could smell the alcohol on his
breath he kept repeating how much I meant to him.  I told him he meant a
lot to me too.  As soon as the words left my mouth, he put his hand on the
front of my pants when I went to move his hand he grabbed my wrist told me
that the only reasons my father had let me continue to live in the house
was because of him.  He dropped my hand, he began rubbing the front of my
pants, when I pushed his hand away he punched me in the face, busting my
lip.  He told me to never push him away again, he screamed at me asking if
I understood and I replied yes.  He told me to get the fuck out of bed and
get my face washed off and come back in here and I had better be naked.  I
got up and went into the bathroom, my lip bled and my face was starting to
swell.  I washed my face and got the lip to stop bleeding.  Before I could
get out of the bathroom Uncle Eric came in there and ripped my clothes off
dragging me to the bed.  I begged him to leave me alone.  He raised my legs
and raped me repeatedly ignoring my screams of pain.  When he was finished,
he lowered his head and blew me then he called me a fucking whore.  He
warned me to never disobey him again.  I hated Uncle Eric as much as I
hated my father and I knew they hated me too.

    The night I graduated from High School my father was out of town.
Neither him nor Uncle Eric came to graduation.  I got home late and went to
my bedroom, Uncle Eric opened the door, I saw the look on his face.  He
made me give him a blowjob then he bent over and told me to fuck him.  My
father walked in and caught us he never said a word.  I dressed and grabbed
a few things that belonged to me and was out of the house.  I was at the
recruiters the next morning and within the week I was on my way to Parris
Island.  My life ended the night my mother died.  In all the years I had
lived in my father's house he had never said more than two words to me.  He
never celebrated holidays or even let me know who my relatives were.  The
night I left Uncle Eric, blamed me for what happened, my father was quick
to believe him so I have been on my own and I like it that way.

Friday night I was on foot patrol when some Iraqi fuck shot out the back
window of a car I was passing I guess I was lucky he hit the window and not
the back of my head.  The window shattered spraying me with glass cutting
through my cammies and my skin, I had cuts all over my face, neck, chest,
and arms.  I never said anything the entire night, when we returned from
patrol I spent a couple of hours with my knife picking glass out of my
skin, the guys couldn't believe I wouldn't go for medical treatment.  I got
the glass out, fuck the pain I laughed and told them we were men.  They
watched me pulling out the chunks of glass and called me a sick
motherfucker, I looked at them and shook my head.  They would never
understand that the pain from the cuts gave me a few moments relief from
the mental pain I had felt inside all my life.

Word came down from HQ that we were getting a new Gunny, Gunny Mac, short
for MacDonald.  Gunny arrived on Wednesday, the minute we all met him in
the mess tent we were shocked, he was not much older than any of us maybe
twenty-seven.  We listened as he told us about being a band of brothers and
the importance of teamwork and watching out for one another, he reminded us
we were Marines and of our duty to our Country and the Marines.  Over the
next week he met with us individually for half an hour, we all liked him,
he was no nonsense, and he knew his shit.

    Gunny had been with us almost six months when he called me to see him
again.  I was scared shitless, I had not done anything wrong, I never broke
the rules it was not something I would ever do.  He told me to sit down and
began to tell me he was worried.  Said I never received any mail from
anyone and I was pretty much a loner.  He asked about my family I told him
my mother had died and then I told him my father had abandoned me and I'd
been pretty much alone all my life.  He said he had no problem with me
liking to be alone but he said it was not healthy to have no contact at
all.  He said his family wrote him all the time, that way he was always a
part of something away from here, it gave him a reason to go back home.

    I looked in his eyes and felt my eyes watering and at that moment, I
wished he hated me too.  "Gunny I don't care if I leave here as long as the
rest of the guys makes it out."

    He looked at me and shook his head, "you'll leave here too, we all
will."  He stood up and shook my hand.  "Ryan, your life is going to get
better you have my word."

    I nodded my head and thanked him then walked back to my tent and
crashed out.  It was pitch black when the first incoming mortar hit, it was
close, very close I couldn't hear shit the explosion had been that near.  I
grabbed my weapon and headed out.  The Mortar hit near the motor pool there
were no casualties except for one of our Humvee.  I stood there ready for
anything, my eyes moving like a hawk's.  I still couldn't hear a sound.
Gunny hurried around checking on everyone, he told us to get chow now and
be ready for patrol by 6am.  I shaved and brushed my teeth I had not had a
bath in two days there was not enough water available.  I washed my face
and hair in my helmet liner, wiping down my body the best I could, I hated
stinking like a pig.  The mess tent was practically empty I grabbed a tray
and stuffed myself, grabbing some fruit and cookies for the long day ahead.
Passing by the temporary exchange I saw my reflection in the mirrored door,
I did a double take for a minute I thought it was my Uncle Eric, that
really fucked up my mind for the rest of the day.  It was simple shit like
seeing my reflection and thinking it was someone else that could really
bring me down.  All I wanted was to die and get this fucking miserable life
finished.

    We were out on patrol near sundown, orders directed us to prepare for a
pending attack, and we took up positions in a vacant warehouse in the Sunni
Triangle of Baghdad.  We spread out around the interior perimeter ready for
an attack, the tall windows held shards of glass, looking out on a moonless
night, perfect for an enemy attack.  Gunny made rounds talking to everyone,
he was always upbeat and calming.  He stopped next to me and looked out at
the sky, his hand rested on my shoulder, he asked me how I was holding up.
I told him he could count on me he said he never doubted that.  He said he
wanted to be my friend if I would let him I nodded my head and said thanks.
He smiled and moved on.  Near 2am just when it looked like it would be a
quiet night, several RPGs struck a nearby building where another platoon of
Marines were hold up.  We opened up on the area where the RPGS had come
from.  Soon the night was lit up with tracers going out and coming in.  You
could hear the occasional round ricocheting off the thick concrete and
metal walls.  That was scary as shit you never knew if that damn bullet was
going to find you.  Near 4am quiet returned, we were all worn out, I stared
out in to the dark with my night vision goggles and waited for movement in
the distance, anything that moved would be dead quickly.  Another two hours
and the locals were beginning to open their shops, we knew an attack could
still come but the actions of the people would warn us of anything unusual
at this point.  Returning to my rack I crashed out, my entire body was dead
tired.  I never dreamed but I did this night.  The fucking dream was so
real that it woke me up I lay there with my arm over my eyes wanting to cry
like a fucking two-year-old baby.  I never cried but I felt like it now.
My life was so fucked up nothing would ever change for me. I would stay in
the Marines until they threw me out or I died in combat that was the only
sure thing in my fucked up life.  I lifted my head and looked around
everyone was still dead to the world in their racks.  I hated lying there
and went to check on the water situation, I wanted a bath now.  My luck had
changed water had come in by truck this morning.  There was enough for hot
showers.  I stripped out of my uniform quickly not trusting fate.  My body
felt raunchy I knew there was a fine coating of dirt all over me.  I had a
good body for 19, it was thin and muscled not that I worked out, I didn't
other than sit-ups, pushups and running, I didn't care about weight
lifting.  As I soaped my body I could see the dirt rinsing off, I felt
better instantly.  I was washing my hair when I heard another shower start,
rinsing my hair I looked up it was Gunny Mac he looked at me and smiled.

    "Feeling better Ryan?"

    I nodded my head, "yes Gunny a lot better."

    He asked if I wanted to work out with him later on, I jumped at the
chance.  He said he would see me at his tent at 1pm.  I dried off and
dressed hurrying back to my rack.  I stripped off my clothes pulling on a
green t-shirt and a pair of red shorts.  I ate chow and still turned up at
his tent about 10 minutes early.

    One of the other Gunny's was leaving the tent, he looked at me, "what
are you doing here Corporal?"

    "Gunny Mac and I are going to work out."  I replied.

    He nodded his head and looked back in the tent, "Mac you got a Corporal
out here waiting for you."

    I heard Gunny yell out, 'tell Ryan to give me a minute.'

    Gunny turned around and told me to take a seat on the bench out front
of the tent.  I looked out at the sand, every time a small burst of wind
came by sand rose with the wind coating everything including my body.

Gunny Mac's hand on my shoulder made me jump.

    He laughed, "I didn't mean to make you jump."

    I nodded my head, and smiled.

Gunny asked me a million questions about myself, he said he couldn't
believe I was almost 20 he said I looked like I was fifteen or sixteen, I
told him he didn't look twenty-seven, he smiled telling me I was good for
his ego.  I thought we were going to the gym to work out, instead Gunny and
I went over to a tent the Gunny's used as their gym.  He told me it was all
right for me to be there with him.  We walked in it was deserted.  Gunny
stripped off his shirt walked over to the weights and began loading up a
bar.  When he was satisfied, he called me over and showed me how to hold
the weights and do standing curls.  He stood directly behind me I could see
him watching me his reflection was in the mirror.  He smiled and encouraged
me telling me to keep it up.  On my last rep he took the weights and we
changed places, he told me to put my hand on his arm and feel the muscles
tightening as he went through the exercise.  I left my hand on his arm the
entire time, I never realized he had finished until he completed his last
rep and woke me from daydreaming.  We worked out for almost two hours.  It
was the best time I had since coming in country.  We grabbed a couple
bottles of Gatorade and found a place to sit in the sun with our shirts off
we could see everything around us.

Gunny looked at me, "Ryan what's wrong?"

I looked at him shaking my head, "nothing."

He took a drink of his Gatorade, "Your lonely and miserable, I can see it
in your face.  You have the world going for you, you will realize that
eventually.  Everything gets better in time."

I looked in his eyes, "It's easy for you to say you have a family that
loves you, friends and probably a bunch of girls or a wife waiting for you
back home."

Gunny looked at me "Yeah, I've got a family and friends, no girlfriend
waiting and hopefully no wife yet.  It gets lonely for me too, just like it
does for you we're both looking for what will make us happy the rest of our
lives."

Gunny reached over and ruffled my hair with his hand, "Ryan this may sound
a little strange coming from me, but I care about you and intend to watch
out for you, okay?"

I nodded my head, "Gunny thank you."

He smiled, we stood, and walked back to the camp, I headed for the shower
once again.  Gunny turned up in the shower a few minutes later, I know he
caught me looking at him.  He winked at me and smiled.  Once I dried off, I
dressed and headed to chow.

The platoon rotated back to the world 'Twenty Nine Palms' on March 1, 2004,
we had been gone almost 14 months.  The first thing I did when we returned
was make sure my pay had been put in my account, it had, there was almost
nineteen thousand dollars.  I wanted to buy a car but thought about it and
decided I would wait until after my next tour in Iraq was over.  I put in
my chit requesting 10 days leave.  Gunny asked me what I was going to do
and where I was going.  I told I had nowhere to go, he asked me to spend
the 10 days with him.  He was going home to see his family and then he was
going to spend a few days camping.  He assured me his family would love him
to bring a fellow Marine home.  I liked Gunny and it was easy for me to
accept.  I was a little worried about being around his family.  Gunny told
me to pack my clothes and he would pick me up in two hours, he said I could
spend the night at his apartment and we would leave first thing in the
morning.  Right at 2pm Gunny was out front of the barracks, I jumped in his
car, and we headed out.  He lived about six miles from the base in a nice
apartment complex.  Grabbing my bag I followed him upstairs, he showed me
to his room, and told me to stow my stuff.  He said I could crash out on
the sofa tonight.

Gunny smiled at me "Ryan put on your trunks, lets go swimming."

Without thinking I stripped down right in front of him, he watched me then
I realized what I was doing and quickly apologized.

He laughed, "We're two guys it's all right."

Within minutes, we were in the pool wrestling around.  Gunny was strong he
held his ground really well.  I figured only I noticed but a few times
while we were wrestling I felt something more happening, I knew it was just
me.  My face must have turned five shades of red when I thought about it.
I quickly moved to the side of the pool and sat on the side with my legs in
the water.

Gunny swam over and looked up at me, "you all right?"

For once, I smiled, "yeah, this is great."

He laughed, "See I told you we'd be friends."

I nodded my head, "Thanks Gunny."

He swam across the pool and called out for me telling me we were going out
to eat.  Soon as he jumped out of the pool he yelled, "last one upstairs
pays."

I ran after his as fast as I could.  We met at the apartment door at the
same time we were both trying to get in and ended up falling on the carpet
inside the door, we were laughing hard.  Gunny put me in a headlock the
side of my face rested against his chest.  I said uncle but he continued to
hold onto me.  I didn't move I liked the feeling and Gunny sensed it
because he moved his arm from around my head and gently stroked my hair
with his fingers.  Neither of us said anything we just lay there.  I turned
toward him, putting my arm over his stomach closing my eyes.  He asked me
to tell him about my life.  I told him everything that had happened to me.
His arms tightened around me over and over I knew he was angry over what I
was telling him but he made me feel secure.  We lay there for over an hour
before Gunny broke the silence.

"Ryan you hungry."

Gunny's fingers still moved in my hair, "Yes Gunny."

He lowered his voice, "Ryan call me Chris."

I turned to look at him, he smiled at me, I nodded. Standing up I gave
Chris my hand he pulled himself up and we went to the bedroom to dress.  We
drove through burger King picked up dinner then stopped and got a movie
before heading back to the apartment.  We sat on Chris' bed eating burgers
and watching the movie.  I never realized how tired I was until I lay back
after the movie.

Chris turned the light off and got under the sheet, he put his arms around
me and pulled my head to his chest, "go to sleep sport."

I put my arms around him and closed my eyes I was happy.

In the morning we were dressed had coffee and breakfast then headed out.

Chris looked at me before we left the apartment.  "Ryan you're a very
handsome guy, I want you to know that."

I nodded my head, "Chris I hope you don't hate me because of what I told
you happened when I was growing up."

He smiled, "I don't hate you at all but I could easily kill your father and
uncle."

He gave me a hug then fixed my hair with his fingers and pushed me out the
front door.  We talked all the way to his parent's house.

His parents heard the car pull up and were on the porch before we got out
of the car.  His dad and mom rushed out to their son kissing and hugging
him.  Then his mom asked if she could hug me, I felt my eyes tear.  Chris
looked at me and smiled.

Chris' dad shook my hand, "Ryan you're already like a part of this family.
Christopher wrote home about you every week.  His mother and I are proud to
have you in our home."

"Thank you sir, I appreciate that more than you can imagine."

He patted me on the back and we walked in the house.  Lunch was already on
the table.

I followed Chris upstairs to his room, we put our bags on the floor, as I
turned to leave the room Chris stopped me, he gave me a hug, "thank you for
being here."

I looked in his face, I could not say anything, I held onto him for a
minute before reminding him lunch was on the table.  We hurried downstairs.
Lunch was great, Chris' parents talked about him the entire time, when they
were not talking about Chris they were asking me questions.  After lunch,
Chris told me we were going swimming.  We ran upstairs and changed on the
way out of the house, he told his parents we would be back in time for
dinner.  I thought we would be driving somewhere to go swimming but we
walked out the backdoor.  Up over a hill on their property was a lake it
was not huge but it was a lake.  We ran down to the water's edge, Chris
dove in and I followed.  We swam out toward the middle where it was just
deep enough that standing on your toes kept your head out of the water.  We
were close to each other.

    Chris looked at me, "Ryan what I'm going to say may seem like I'm
rushing into things but I'm the type to say what I feel, if you don't like
it tell me okay."

I nodded at him, "Okay."

He pulled me close to him, "Ryan you're special I care for you more than I
ever have anyone.  I know you have had it rough and maybe you don't know
what it is you want.  Do you remember when we were out of country and I
said we were both looking for something to make us happy for the rest of
our lives, well I think for me you're that something."

I looked at Chris and began to shake, Chris put his arm over my shoulder
and we walked back to shore.  He sat behind me my head leaned against his
chest, and I felt like I was dying I couldn't get my breath, my voice
shook, I told him that I was afraid he'd end up treating me the way my
father and uncle had.

Chris continued to hold me, "Ryan if you let me I'll always be here for you
that you can count on."  He kissed the top of my head, "I'll protect you I
swear that to God."

Holding him and his arms around me broke down my defenses and I fell apart,
in nineteen years, I had never lost control, now I felt lost.  I held onto
Chris with all my might I never wanted to let him go.  I could feel his
breath on my scalp kissing me repeatedly, he whispered to me how special I
was and how much I meant to him.  I was lost in memories and in being
nineteen and in finally having someone that actually cared about me, I hurt
so much that day until there was no more anger or tears.  Later we swam for
a few minutes before heading back up to the house and dinner.

After dinner, we turned in telling his parents it had been a long day for
us.  When we closed his door, I put my arms around Chris, he melted against
me, and I kissed the back of his neck, my fingers moving through his light
brown hair.  He knew I was unsure and afraid of what was happening.  Slowly
we undressed then crawled into bed. I lay there not even sure what it was I
wanted.  Chris held me gently, he gave me time, I knew that being with him
was right.  Slowly Chris gave himself to me without fear, I made love to
him, and he accepted all I had to give willingly as I did of him.
Exhausted and happy Chris rested his head on my shoulder my lips kissed him
over and over until we fell asleep I woke in the morning to Chris making
love to me, he looked up at me and for the first time I saw his eyes water.

He rested his head on my stomach and looked at me, "You are so fucking
amazing, I've never felt this way, never, not because of the sex, but
because we were meant for one another I feel it inside."

I ran my fingers over his eye brows and gently pushed the front of his hair
up, he moved down my body once more I stroked the side of his face and he
began making love to me, as my back arched he eagerly took all I had to
give then he moved up next to me.

I kissed his neck and moved down his body, he looked in my face, "I need
you."

I lifted his legs to my shoulders kissing the inside of his thighs, his
hand guided me the look on his face drove me wild.  He gripped my arms
looking up into my face and begged me to never touch another person, I
swore on my honor.  He swore the same.  I lost control, he cried out and
his warmth erupted between our bodies.  I collapsed on top of him, our lips
met. I was the Marine once more pulling him in my arms protecting him and
at the same time protecting myself, he really loved me.  The next ten days
were gone like a flash.

As we were driving, back to base Chris pulled the car over to the side of
the road and looked at me, "Ryan nothing else matters to me not the Marine,
nothing but you."

I put my hand on his shoulder our foreheads leaning against each other,
"Chris tell me what to do to make you happy."

Chris looked at me smiling, "move in the apartment with me."

I looked at him, I knew he was taking a huge chance he repeated it again.

I looked in his eyes, "Chris what if you get tired of me?"

He smiled, "Never happen, you know it and so do I."

Moving in with Chris was the best thing in the world for me, Chris loved
me, and he told me all the time besides I felt it.  We would come home from
a tough day and after eating dinner, we would crash out holding onto each
other.  Even the guy's in the platoon noticed the difference telling me I
was a nice guy after all.  They joked with me a lot and I kidded them back
my world was changing.  After dinner one night, I told Chris I had almost
twenty thousand dollars in the bank.  He looked at me unsure what I was
trying to say, I asked him to put the money in his account.

He smiled, "you keep that money in your account and keep building it up."

"I want the money to be ours."

He kissed me so gently and smiled.  "Ryan I make twice what you make, I can
afford to take care of us, keep that money for a rainy day."

"Chris if I die I want you to have everything."

Chris pulled me in his arms, my head lying against his chest, "I'll only
say this one time and never again.  As a Marine and as God is my judge if
something happens to you, I do not want to go on living.  It took me twenty
six years to find you, if I lose you because you get tired of me I'll
survive that but if I lose you to war or something, it will kill me just as
though the enemy shot me with a bullet."

I kissed him gently and pulled him in my arms, "Chris, I'm going to make
you proud of me."

He smiled, "I always am proud of you."

Seven months after we returned from Iraq, Chris came home early he looked
at me and fell apart.  I was scared to death I thought something terrible
had happened.  He told me we were rotating out of country to Iraq early,
due to pending elections to be held in the next few months.  I looked at
him and felt like he had hit me in the stomach I would not stand for Chris
to be hurt it would kill me.  Chris looked at me and pulled me in his arms.

Chris and I sat beside each other on the sofa he looked at me gently
stroking the side of my face.  I rested my forehead against his and told
him everything that was in my heart and I begged him not to let anything
happen to him.  He swore on his honor.  The next two days were hard for us.
Chris stayed busy around the clock, what made it harder was we worried
about each other non-stop.  Our last night together I gave Chris a plain
gold wedding band, he took of his Marine ring, put the band on then put his
Marine ring back on.

He looked at me, shaking his head, "Ryan."  He never said another word he
sat across from me looking at his finger and at me. Chris slept with his
head on my chest, I could not sleep my fingers moved over his face, and
through his hair a million times, I was storing his scent and the way he
felt in my memory so I would never feel alone.

As we drove to base that morning, I told Chris I was leaving the Marines
when my tour was up.  I told him the Marine's had been the only family I
had truly known and I would miss it but I would always have him and he was
my family now.

He pulled the car over leaving the motor running, "Ryan I've wanted to ask
you that question million times but I didn't want to take you away from
something you loved."

I looked around then touched his face "I love you now."

He looked at me and smiled, "I'll make you happy I swear that."

I kissed him, "Chris I love you more than anything in this world."

Iraq was as fucked up as it was when I left seven months earlier nothing
had changed.  The minute I walked off the plane the sand had already begun
to coat my skin.  I stood in formation with everyone else and watched Chris
talking with the other Gunny's, I was happy that he would be safe, as I
watched him I'd see him looking down at his finger with the ring on it,
he'd be turning the ring on his finger, it made me feel awesome.

What was truly funny about returning to Iraq is that I ended up in the same
tent I had left seven months earlier no worse for wear.  I took over my old
haunt in the back of the tent. After chow, we headed out on patrol.  The
night was quiet I was thankful for one night of peace.  We headed back to
base by 10am, I hit my rack fully clothed and passed out damn I was tired.
I had not been asleep more than two hours when Gunny called us together.
We had orders to move out to the perimeter of the airport intelligence
reported a pending attack.  The trip took about 30 minutes in the two ton.
Before nightfall, all of us dug in damn good.  There was an odd number of
us in the platoon so Gunny had to share a foxhole with the lone person, me.
As Gunny moved along the perimeter checking out our defenses before
darkness the guys began ragging me saying Gunny was going to chew my crazy
ass out if I even looked at him wrong.

I grinned, "He can bring it on."

They looked at one another then at me slapping each other on the back and
laughing, "Ryan's not going home with us, Gunny will see to that."  We all
knew it was nerves but the laughing and joking helped.

Gunny set up watches.  I had the third watch from 12-2am.  Gunny sat on one
end of the foxhole looking out at the night and occasionally at me.  My
eyes never left his face.  When it was time for watch I pulled on my night
vision goggles, locked and loaded my weapon and proceeded to monitor the
perimeter. Gunny kept his goggles on sitting beside me, his hand on the
back of my neck.  He whispered he loved me and was proud.  I looked at him
telling him all I wanted from life was to take care of him and make him
happy.

    Gunny smiled, "you do Ryan, you do."

    Nothing would move that night that I did not see.  Once I was relieved
I closed my eyes, I felt Chris' fingers moving through my hair telling me
to get some rest.

    By four pm the following day we were back at base, once again the
information the intelligence officers were paying for from Iraqi's proved
to be worthless.  I slept until the following morning, I hurried to get a
shower, Gunny was in the shower already, he looked at me and smiled, I
looked at him.  He nodded his head and quickly turned away.  I was clean
and within the hour I had eaten chow the world was looking brighter.  For
the next five weeks we were on patrol in the city almost every day, it got
to the point where I didn't know if I was coming or going, what I did know
was that Chris was all right.

Why those crazy fuckers blew up the mess tent, I will never figure it out.
I heard the explosion as did everyone else and we all started running.
When I arrived there were dead everywhere some no more than pieces of what
were once human beings.  A few of the people were in shock.  I helped a few
of the guys out of the tent seating them on the sand.  By the time, I got
to another guy there were soldiers everywhere helping.  What really broke
my heart was lifting the bodies of fellow soldiers and laying them inside
black body bags, they would never see their families or people they loved
again.  All they had been doing was eating chow and now they were dead.  I
got frantic as I thought about Chris Oh God what if he had been in here.  I
hurried inside and continued to help, my heart racing every time another
body was discovered.  I don't remember Gunny coming in the mess tent and
pulling me outside.  He told me to sit down there was nothing more to be
done.

Another hour or more passed when Gunny led me to the commanding officer's
trailer, he opened it with his key the place was empty.  We walked into the
office.  He left the lights off and pulled me in his arms, he held me tight
the fear in his voice very real as he said he was scared to death, I had
been eating chow.  I put my hand on the back of his neck and told him the
same thing.  He kissed me several times.  We sat in the dark next to each
other and talked.  As the day wore on we left the trailer locking it back
and headed to the showers, I wanted to get the blood of the dead off me.  I
scrubbed my body then returned to my rack and went to sleep.

    I knew something was wrong with me.  After two months, I had lost my
appetite and had not eaten anything but a candy bar in two weeks.  I was in
the shower when Chris walked him I heard him gasp when he saw me, he looked
at me his eyes showing fear he asked me what was wrong.  I told him I had
lost my appetite.  He told me I would be seeing the corpsman in the
morning.  I saw the corpsman in the morning, he sent me over to the base
clinic.  They ran several blood tests on me all of them came back negative.
Finding nothing medically wrong, they sent me to see Doctor Howard the base
psych.  He was nice enough and explained to me my reaction was a result of
what I had experienced the day the mess tent blew up, he told me I would
have to force myself to eat before I got to the point where my health
suffered further deprivation.  He shook my hand giving me a bottle of
pills, saying they might help me to relax if I got uptight.  As I was
walking across the base, Chris ran up to me.

    "What did the doctor say?"

    I looked at him, "he said I'm fine and told me to make myself eat."

    Chris smiled, "Ryan eat do it for me, please."

    Looking in his eyes, I could see the concern, "Gunny I'll eat now."

    Chris looked around then patted my back, "I love you."

    I went to chow and sat in the tent where 21 people had died and I
forced myself to take nourishment.  Then I returned to my rack and went to
sleep waking early in the morning.  I grabbed my kit and went to get a
shower, as I walked in the shower I saw two guys messing around with each
other.  They were shocked when they saw me, I looked over at them, "what
you do is your business."

    They nodded at me and walked out.  I felt as sorry for them as I felt
for myself.  I felt like the world was crumbling around me.  Clean I went
back to my rack and got one of the pills the doctor had given me for times
like this.  The pill really did relax me.  If I could have had my way I'd
be home holding Chris in my arms making love to him and listening to him
cry out and tell me over and over how much he loved me.  Nevertheless, this
was war and for now, thoughts are all I could have.

    Almost half a year had passed since our return and in a short time
elections would be held but in the mean time all hell was breaking loose.
Insurgents were trying to create turmoil everywhere in country.  On patrol
that evening I got hit in the shoulder, at first I thought I'd been hit by
a rock but then I looked down at the front of my uniform it was covered in
blood.  One of the guys started yelling for Gunny and the corpsman.
Gunny's faced turned white when he saw me, at the same time all hell broke
loose and weapon fire erupted all around us.  We spread out on both sides
of the street.  Gunny radioed for reinforcements, I heard him tell the
operator he had a seriously wounded soldier.  I could barely hold my weapon
in my hand, I was cold and felt dizzy and sick, my finger on the trigger
could still fire short burst whenever I saw the direction of an incoming
tracer.  Reinforcements arrived an hour later, the compression dressing
against my shoulder was soaked my shoulder had been blown apart it looked
like a hand grenade had gone off.  Gunny hurried over to me once the area
was secured he watched the corpsman put two IVs in my arm.  I was loaded up
on a Humvee and we got the hell out of dodge.  I saw Chris' face, he was
praying his lips moving, his hand went to his face, and he wiped away
sweat.  At the combat support hospital I was pulled from the Humvee, Chris
helped get the stretcher out, he was talking to me saying I'd be fine and
the guys wanted me to get well and get back so they didn't have to pull my
load too.  It must have been at that point that my heart stopped.  I cannot
remember.  Chris told me they had just entered the emergency room when I
stopped breathing, the doctor ripped open my shirt, he said there were soon
three nurses assisting the doctor trying to get my heart beating again.
Chris said he watched them in disbelief, he kept repeating this could not
be happening.  Chris said the best thing he ever heard was the doctor
saying they had restarted my heart.  He said he walked outside and cried.
The next morning they operated on my shoulder, placing a plate and several
pins to hold everything together.  My shoulder blade had been shattered as
well as the socket.  The doctor told me that I would be leaving Iraq
immediately for further surgery.  The minute he told me I was being
MEDIVAC'd I was terrified. Chris came back and sat with me all night, no
one was about to make him leave.  He knew I was going back to the world, he
told me he had called his parents and I would be staying with them once I
was released from the hospital to recuperate.  He whispered in my ear that
he loved me.  He rested his head against the bed and my fingers were able
to touch the side of his face, I ended up crying afraid to leave him behind
the nurse thought I was in pain and gave me more sedation.  In the morning
several of the guys from the platoon came by, I could see the looks on
their faces they had boxed up my stuff and put it down by the hospital bed.
Each of them told me I was their brother and they were going to miss me.

With my good hand, I shook their hands 'Semper Fi Marines.'

They stayed around and we talked until the medication I was on put me to
sleep, I woke in the middle of the night, Chris' head rested next to my
hand.  Gently I moved my fingers through his hair, he lifted his head and
smiled at me.

"Ryan you're on a flight at 6am in the morning.  You're not alone anymore
understood."

I nodded my head and whispered, "Chris swear you'll come home soon."

Chris smiled, "Ryan you are my life, I'm coming home as soon as they let me
and then I'm never leaving you by yourself ever again."  He rested his hand
on the side of my face and whispered, "I love you."

It had to be the medication I told Chris I loved him with all my heart and
that I was scared.  I saw the tears in his eyes he told me everything would
be all right.

The flight seemed like it lasted a few minutes actually it was close to
thirteen hours.  As the plane touched down in California I was loaded into
an ambulance, once I was in a room at the hospital, Chris' parents were
there.  His mom looked at me and cried saying I looked so sick.

Chris' dad put his hand on my forehead, "Ryan we're here for you son, I
promise you."

I put my hand over his hand and held on for dear life until the medication
put me to sleep.  Chris' parents were there when the doctor came in the
room to tell me about the operation.

He asked if they were my parents and Chris' dad spoke up, "yes, we're his
family."

The doctor sat down and began to explain the damage the bullet had done, he
talked about infection, and then he said they were going to remove the
remainder of my arm.  I was dazed, I started shaking and asked the doctor
to let me die, I was begging him to let me die.  The only thing that made
any sense to me was that when I left Chris I was whole and now I was minus
an arm he would not love me.  Chris' dad must have seen the fear in my
face, he asked the doctor to give me a sedative then he sat beside on the
bed, his hand on my forehead, "Ryan nothing can change you or how much we
love and care for you."

I woke up three days after the operation, my arm was gone, I was almost
twenty-one years old and a cripple.  The Secretary of Defense came around
presenting medals at the hospital he pinned a purple heart on my pajama
top, and promoted me to sergeant.  Two weeks later, I was honorably
discharged from the Marines with full disability.  That was the worse day
of my life Chris' parents collected my things and drove me home with them.

Chris' dad sat me down, he and his wife sat across from me.  He looked at
me, "Ryan, I'm not going to let you fall apart because you lost an arm.
Chris needs all of us to make him feel everything is all right here at
home.  We didn't tell him about your arm."

I nodded my head, they were right.  Chris' mom put her arms around me, "we
love you honey everything will work out."

It was 3am in the morning when Chris was able to call home, his mom and dad
talked to him sounding very upbeat.  Chris' dad put me on the phone I told
him I missed him.  He asked about my arm and I told him I was in rehab at
the hospital but that everything was fine.  He asked if they were going to
ship me, back over I told him I doubted it I would probably be in rehab for
six months.  Chris sounded relieved.  I asked him when he was coming home.
He said in two months, right after the elections he'd be back home.  He
could not say what he wanted so he said, "you know what that means don't
you corporal?"

I laughed, "Yes Gunny I'm very aware and by the way it's no longer corporal
I'm now sergeant."

He never said anything for a moment and then he said "congratulations."

I had no way of knowing that my promotion told Gunny that I had been
retired, he knew something more had happened.

The next two months took five years to pass at least that is what it felt
like.  Chris' plane arrived on base at 2pm.  Chris' parents went to get
him, I thought it would be better if he didn't see me for the first time in
the airport, it would be easier to explain at home.  I heard the car pull
up to the house I had been going nuts waiting.  Chris jumped out of the car
and ran up the steps and into the house, as soon as he saw me he cried.  I
moved over to him quickly and put my arm around him.

"Chris I love you."

He looked at me, "I'm so sorry this happened to you."

We walked upstairs, with the door closed I removed my shirt, he looked at
my shoulder, his eyes filling with tears, "I should have been here to take
care of you."

I reminded him without him and his family I probably would have died.

Chris touched the scars absently as he told me how much he loved me and
always would.  He begged me to hold him tight.  He lay back on the bed, I
turned on my side, and pulled him close to me telling him I loved him with
my heart.  Chris fell asleep and for hours, I studied his face, my fingers
moving in his hair, down the side of his face.  Chris woke to me making
love to him, he cried out and that was when I knew I still made him happy.
Chris told me he needed me so badly, he made love to me several times
before laying on his back and asking me to make him mine again.

As I entered him he cried out, I gently moved in him, he looked up at me,
"Ryan do you still love me."

I moved forward and kissed him deeply, I erupted in him, he cried out and
shared his seed between our bodies exhausted I lay beside him.  The side of
his face rested against my chest and he went back to sleep.

Chris registered for college.  Not once since Chris came home have I even
noticed that my arm is missing.

    I will always be a Marine.  The enemy may have taken my arm, but they
can never take the honor and pride I feel everyday of my life having been
given the opportunity to sacrifice for my country.