Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2001 14:27:37 +0200
From: Damon_Brooks@cycosmos.co.uk
Subject: Did He Know?

There's this song from Jessica Simpson called
something like 'Did you ever love someone who
never knew?' I started to like that song, because
indeed that did happen to me. And that's the
story I'm about to tell. I've changed the names
of the people I write about.

I'm 20 and in the second year of college.  I know
for 5 years or more I'm gay, but no one else
knows. Although my parents do know after my
mother found some pictures of shirtless
celebrities I got out off teen music magazines. I
tried to convince the it might be a stage I'm
going through, but I don't think they bought it.
Anyway, it wasn't until the last week before
Christmas holiday that I noticed this great
looking guy who was in his first year. But he was
as old as me though. It was on a Wednesday when
the teacher was gone the first hour so we went to
the computer room, were his class had computer
lessons. We went to make some computer exercises.
I suddenly noticed him staring at me. I looked at
him too, but couldn't help avoiding his stare
(what if anyone would see it?). In the short
glance I had, I noticed he was one good looking
guy. Blue eyes, short brown hair and he seemed a
bit muscular too. Back home I took the schoolbook
with pictures of every student in it. There he
was, Stephen. His address, birth date and phone
number stood there too. But like I said it got
Christmas holiday and I couldn't see him for
three weeks, so I had to comfort myself with his
picture in the schoolbook. He got the main
subject of my nightly fantasies. After the
holiday we had exams and I didn't see him then
either.
After the exams finally I saw him again. I was
sitting in the hall. I had claas next to his
class. When I looked in the class I saw him
taking the stuff out of his bag. But he didn't
watch the bag, he looked straight into my eyes!
Again I startled and  I looked a different way.
When I looked back, this time he got a bit
embarassed and turned around. He had his hair
painted during the holiday, 'cause now he had
blond spikes in his brown hair, which even made
him more attractive.
This went on and on for weeks. Passing each other
in the hallway, gazing in each others' eyes, but
not having the courage to even say 'Hi.' nor to
smile at each other. In the school cafeteria I
was sitting next to a table of girls of his
class. Suddenly he came over to me. My heart
skipped a few beats. Of course he went to those
girls to ask them something. All the time he was
talking to them he was standing right next to me.
I hardly dared to look at him, because I was
sitting at the table with my classmates. He
seemed a bit uncomfortable too. I was wondering
whether he was gay and maybe he was wondering the
same about me.
The best experience, though, was still to come.
At our school, like in any school probably, there
are lots of stairs. But our stairs continue on to
the third floor and then you have to go round a
corner. One day I just got around that corner to
go down and accidently bumped into someone who
just got up. It was Stephen! Again we just looked
at each other. We didn't even say 'Sorry.' or
anything! All the time crazy things went through
my mind, like writing him an anonymous loveletter
or something. But I suppressed the ideas each
time.
Then one day I saw him coming in the school
building, walking towards his class. They talked
for a while until the teacher came. Everyone
entered the classroom, except for him. He turned
around and went out again. On his way he saw some
other people he knew and I heard him telling them
he was going to work. He had given up school and
found a job. I never ever saw him since that day,
when I litterally saw his nice behind walking out
the building. I was frustrated the rest of the
day. People asked me what was wrong several
times, but of course I always had some lame
excuse that I just didn't feel good.
The only thing I have left of him is his picture
in the schoolbook, together with his address,
birthdate and phone number. I don't know if I'll
ever have the courage to write or call him. I
don't even know for sure whether he is gay or
not. But that wouldn't matter, 'cause now I found
someone else to 'look' at and I know for sure
he's gay. The whole school knows. I wish I was
that far too. I can't wait for my time to come.

Tell me what you think of this story. If you have
any advice, please let me know too at
Damon_Brooks@cycosmos.co.uk

That's the story

Thanks

Damon