"So, I must come to live with you?" were your first words. I remember you saying with a sarcastic tone.
"No, you don't HAVE to, but you can if you wish. Only if you feel like giving us a try." Max corrected you, seriously.
"And why would you want to have me with you? Tell me!"
"Because the judge has asked us, and also because we would like to have a boy at home." Max said.
"But you two... what are you, brothers?"
"No, Max and I live together because we love each other. We are a gay couple."
I remember I had to make an effort not to burst in laughter after seeing the face you made at my statement.
"You are... faggots? You are two faggots!"
"If you prefer that term, yes, Edoardo and I are really two faggots... and happy to be so."
You shook your head and looked at us frowning. Then you smiled rather cunningly and declared, as one who understood at last something odd: "Ha... so then you want to fuck me!"
"No, you are wrong. Edoardo and I are in love with each other. We don't need anybody else. But if you have prejudices against gays..."
"Bah! Me too, I'm a faggot from head to toe. It's not for that... But I bet the judge doesn't suspect a bit about you two... right?"
"On the contrary. He knows perfectly well." Max told you.
The ice was broken. You were still diffident, but we talked. You were, more than anything, sounding us out and evaluating us. After that first encounter, we came again to see you a couple of times.
The last time, for sure you remember. Max told you: "If you feel like coming to live with us, we would be really happy. But it is for you to decide. We wouldn't like you running away from us!"
"I promise you nothing at all. Anyway... I think we could give it a try... if you really feel like it." you said.
"Why did you run away, I mean, the last time?"
"Why? Because those turds didn't want me to fuck with other boys. He and his wife controlled me. Once, when I was sure they were out, I took home a friend of mine. We were fucking like two rabbits, and the 'turd' suddenly was back home and caught us. He threw my friend out, and as punishment, he buggered me! To punish me? Naaah, it's that he liked it the old swine, and he found the right pretext for doing it. Afterwards, as soon as the 'she-turd' went out, he would come on to me and want to fuck my ass again. So, I scarpered. When the police nicked me, I told them that I preferred to be here in the reformatory. It's a thousand times better"
"But... didn't you think to report him?" I asked you.
"Report him? To whom? When I told his wife, she just filled me with cuffs and didn't believe me - 'my husband is a saint, you are the devil' she was yelling like a fury... that's when I ran away."
"You could have reported him to the judge... still could" I said.
"Noooo! Useless! For spite, I have accused I don't know how many wardens to have buggered me. They don't believe me any more. The only one here, who gave me some affection, they have fucked him... just to say. They put him in jail for Gross Indecency with a minor! But he loved me, and I loved him... and they took him away from me..."
"All right, Eugenio. The past is the past. We would like to have you with us. But you have to promise Max and me just one thing - if you don't feel happy with us, you have to tell us, and not just run away. We will try to solve the problem, and also, eventually, to find you a better setting. We don't want you to come back here. Are you game?"
You looked at us with those hard eyes, almost trying to read inside our souls. Then you sketched a kind of forced smile: "In here is not so bad. At times I can also have a good fuck with one of my mates. Anyway... all right. I can even try, with you. You seem two... nice guys... or gays, Ha! Ha!"
So Ottavio made the order and finally we came to take you home.
Do you remember the grimace you had when, after showing you the apartment, where we had just entered and we had just settled, we took you into your bedroom where there was just a mattress on the floor and nothing more? Not even a lampshade or curtains for the windows, nor even paint on the walls?
"What's this? It's worse than that my 'cell' at the reformatory! There was at least a bed, a chair and a night table. What fucking joke is this? Am I presumed to live in here?" you said, angrily.
We laughed and explained that it was that way because, on that same day we were going to take you shopping, so that you could choose what you wanted - the wall paper, curtains, furniture, bed linen, carpets, lampshade and so on. We wanted your room to be really yours, to your liking and not to ours. It made me great tenderness to see on your face pass feelings of embarrassment, disbelief and happiness, when you realised. And your amazed expression every time, at your choices, when we just said 'all right' and bought what you chose. Also the wall to wall poster with the wood picture to cover the whole wall on the right of your bed.
That first night we asked if you preferred to sleep on the couch in the living room or the mattress in your own room. You chose to sleep on the mattress, alone in that room, empty but yours. A few days after, we went to buy what was still outstanding, and a new wardrobe. Once gain, we bought all you chose, as you liked. You can't imagine the joy we felt seeing you, starting gradually to open up and smile. Not so often, not so much, but for us it was like seeing the sun rise.
Then, how can one not remember that night, about a week later, when you appeared in front of us, stark naked, in our bedroom: "If you want to have sex with me, it's all right, I am game." you said rather seriously.
"No, Eugenio, we told you, it's not for that we had you come to live here with us. Go back to your bed..." Max said.
"But I... my body is all that I can offer in exchange for all you are doing for me. And I'll willingly give it to you, I like you two."
"No, my boy. In exchange, if you can, we would like something a lot more precious - your friendship." Max told you.
"I see, I'm not your type..." you hesitantly concluded.
"You are a really handsome boy, I like you very much. It is the first time I have seen you naked, and you are really well shaped and seductive, even sexy. And you are lot more ripe, physically, than your age. If I didn't have Max, I think I would like very much having you in my bed. I think I can say the same for Max. But I have him and he has me. We need nobody else."
You lowered your head and went back to your room. What you don't know and we never told you before, is that the vision of your naked body aroused us very much - you really were beautiful and desirable, with your half erection insolently showing between your legs.
Next morning you apologized, ashamedly. We embraced you. You made us feel much tenderness. In less than a month your room was completely finished and we had gotten to know each other a little better. You were opening up to us little by little, and we liked you more and more.
You were not so good at school, as I am sure you remember, so I started to study with you. Around the end of May, or the first days of June, I don't remember exactly, but it was just a little before the school end, while we were studying, you embraced me and asked me to make love with you. I swear that, in spite of the appearances, you were tempting me very much and I had difficulty in refusing you. I felt you were aroused, and I was too, and not just a little. I had almost to pin you down to make you stop.
When at last you gave up, you pleaded with me: "Please, Edoardo, don't tell Max... I swear I'll try never again..."
"But I have to tell Max, Eugenio. I've never had any secrets from him, we love each other too much."
You became red like embers and said: "But... but he... he will no more have me here with you, now..."
"No way, what an idea! He loves you. He will understand and nothing will change, you'll see."
"He... he loves me?"
"Sure! And I too love you, Eugenio. We love you very much."
"Aren't you mad at me?"
"But no, my dear boy, not at all. We love you, never forget that."
You again blushed and sat down, your head lowered. I caressed your hair.
After a while, you told me: "Then... then I prefer it to be me to tell him."
"All right, Eugenio, as you like."
That same evening, as soon as Max came home, you told him you had to talk to him and when I stood up to leave you alone, you asked me to stay. I admired you for the way you faced, in a direct, clear and honest way, the problem, not withstanding that it was clear that it required a big effort.
"Max, this afternoon I tried to seduce Edoardo. He literally had to immobilize me to force me to stop. I was really determined to make love with him. And, honestly, I feel also a great yen for doing it with you too, Max. You two are very beautiful, and it is not just that. I spend more time with Edoardo, alone, therefore I tried it with him first. I have been jacking off for months, dreaming about making love with you or with him... or with you both. But now I regret having tried... even if... even if it was him to stop me, I would have done it, I wanted to do it. I'm really sorry, Max, I didn't want to hurt you, and neither Edo. Therefore... if you want to punish me, you have all the reasons in this world for doing so. I deserve it. Punish me but... don't send me away, please?"
Max listened to you quietly, as I expected: "Eugenio, nobody intends to send you away, nor to punish you. You felt the yen, and you tried - if one doesn't try, one doesn't know... Unhappily for you, you didn't succeed. That's all."
"Aren't you mad at me, Max?" you asked unbelievingly.
"No, what wrong did you do?"
"But I tried it on with your man!"
"Eugenio, answer my question sincerely - did you try it on with Edoardo because you wanted him, or because you needed to make love because you are fed up doing... by yourself?"
"Half and half, possibly. But I fucking like you and Edo. Also your bodies, I mean."
"And therefore, you wanted to take Edoardo away from me?"
"What? No, not at all! I didn't ever think of that! Oh Christ, I wouldn't be the one to create problems between you two! Oh Christ... Christ..." and your eyes filled with tears and looked at us completely lost at the idea.
"I believe you, Eugenio, I believe you." Max said, gently smiling with affection.
Then I asked you: "But, don't you have a friend with whom to make love?"
"No, nobody..."
"But when you were at the last family's, you told us, you took home some friends from time to time..."
"That was different. I went cruising in the bogs and took the first one who was game and who was not too ugly or too old, and took him to the place of these two turds to fuck. Also to spite them. They wanted to make me become... normal, straight, so I did those 'filthy' things right in their bed, you see? But the people I found, were not really friends in the true sense of the word, on the contrary, they were mainly strangers. I would never bring anyone like that here to your home, I would never do such a thing!"
"Eugenio, this is also your home. You can bring here whomever you wish, without any problem." Max told you.
"No joke?"
"Sure! We thought that was clear. Of course, we would prefer you to bring a friend more than a stranger, but we trust your judgement."
"You mean that... that if I have a friend... I can also take him into my room and... and do it with him?" you asked, your eyes wide, prey of an unutterable amazement.
"Certainly yes. Max and I make love in our room, right? So, why not you!"
"Yes, sure, but..."
"But this is also your home." Max insisted.
"But I can't just bring anybody here, it wouldn't be right..."
"It is up to you to decide who is right to bring here, or not. If he is a guy you just met... you see, you decide. But if he is a real friend, we would also be glad to meet him, to know him..."
"Really Max? Edo? You mean I can do as I want... as I like?"
"Of course. I just hope they are good, constructive things, useful to you and to your life. But you must be careful about venereal diseases. You know that there are real risks, don't you? Anyway, if you have any problems, any at all, always remember that you can tell us, count on us. We would like to really be a family... a real one."
You looked at us with... luminous eyes. Then, with a delicious air, half way between shyness and affection, you asked us: "May I... may I embrace you?"
Later we told you about venereal diseases; how one can get them and how to avoid them. We also gave you some condoms and a lubricating gel bottle, asking you to always have them with you and to be sure to have enough, both for yours and your partner's safety.
That evening, surely you remember, was really important for the three of us. It, in fact marked an important change in our relationship, because we really started to become a family. And if we needed proof of that, you gave it to us the following year, when you were in the second year of high school, and you introduced us to that friend, your schoolmate with whom you had that short relationship, I cannot remember his name.
You introduced us to him, saying with a real pride: "Here, they are my two dads, Massimiliano and Edoardo!"
I also remember very well when you were with Daniele. It was '86, do you remember? You were sixteen and he was eighteen. You met at the movies. You were in love with him, or better to say, you became infatuated. But he just wanted to have sex with you, he didn't love you. Do you remember how mad you got with me when I told you that in my opinion he didn't deserve you? But Daniele was skilled and deceived you for several months. He was also very sensual and from what I could guess, he knew how to make love with you and make you lose your head.
Max and I were worried for you. But as we decided to behave, after telling you just once but clearly our opinion about what we thought, we didn't insist any more. We didn't want to become obsessive parents. At the end you, by yourself, understood that unhappily we were right about Daniele and decided to split in spite it cost you too much.
We were really worrying about you, about your big disappointment. We were afraid you would become diffident, cynical... You took it really badly. We wanted to talk about it and to try to raise your morale, but if it was not you to start that speech, we couldn't but be near you and try to make you feel all our affection. It cost us very much not to raise the subject and just wait, and see your suffering. But, thank heaven, you were able to overcome that first, big disappointment.
It was during that period we discovered that you were fascinated by the piano, so we bought you one and started sending you to lessons as you requested. I think you agree it was really a good idea, wasn't it? Not only because we discovered that you have a real talent for the piano, but also for... what you know! Certainly, at the beginning, to us the piano was just a nice hobby and a means to divert you. We didn't even think about the miraculous improvements and the level you reached in just five years, when talented people are not at your level, even after ten years of studies at the Music Academy! Anyway, for sure, the piano was not the only one talent we found in you.
Already after three years of being with us, Ottavio found you to be remarkably matured, serene and, we have to add, full of affection. You see, we never told you this clearly, even if we think we did show it to you and you understood, but for real, if Max and I could have had a son generated by us, we couldn't ever have dreamed of a better one than you.
And this is true, including what happened in 1987, a little after your seventeenth birthday. No, I'm not talking about that time we caught you in bed with Renzo and Marco, even if at first seeing these two taking you at once from back and front, I have to admit, did shake me a little. After all, you were three adults (you have always shown maturity above your real age) and if it was good for you three, I didn't have the slightest right to object. In fact we said nothing, even if that day you were somewhat embarrassed with Max and I.
At the time, we didn't feel like talking about it, didn't say anything. Perhaps it would have been better if we had, at least you would have known that neither Max nor I were judging you for that little... domestic orgy. I think that sexual intercourse, be it beautiful and right or not, should remain a private matter. We need not be ashamed, sure, but it should be something we do not perform in front of others, be they friends or strangers. At least, I see that in this way.
What I was referring to, as you may have guessed, is your time with Piero. You see, what at that time made us react so sharply with you was to discover that you were blackmailing him not to be left by him. In other words that you, who so well knew what it means not to be free, as you experienced it for a large part of your life, wanted to deny the freedom of another person.
At first yours seemed a common love story between two boys of the same age. We also liked very much the way you met on a trip, how you discovered each other, how you decided to become a couple. Do you remember the discussion we had? All three of us together? We tried to make you understand that if Piero's family didn't know he was gay, and he didn't want them to know, it was because he knew his parents' mentality and judged that telling them was not the right thing to do. Be he right or not, you had to respect him and therefore his choices?
We thought we had persuaded you, at least at first. It appeared that everything between you was fine. However, after the summer we noticed that your relationship was changing, and it was the fact that you insisted to us that everything was all right between you that made us suspect something was wrong. It was more and more evident that Piero appeared to be coming to see you almost unwillingly, and that you had developed towards him an attitude we didn't like too much... a rather possessive attitude, almost like... a master and a slave.
Once I tried to talk to Piero, but the boy, with an air that only succeeded in making my suspicions more justified, told me that everything was working perfectly between you two...
Another thing you still don't know was how we discovered that you were blackmailing Piero by forcing him to continue to go to bed with you, even after he discovered he was no more attracted by you. You threatened to show his parents the love letters he had written, and the pictures you took with the Polaroid in poses... unequivocal and compromising. Something that Max nor I would ever have done, was spy on you or search amongst your things. Even after we found out, we didn't ever consider doing that. But one evening, you argued a little too loudly and we heard you in our room. It was loud enough for us to understand some of what you said, anyway.
In particular, and I quote "...what I want... or else I'll blurt out everything to your parents...You know I will..." Unquote.
Two and two makes four, my dear Eugenio. We understood at once. It also served to confirm our previous suspicions that there was something wrong with the relationship. We understood what was likely happening, those snippets were like a catalyser that made all the pieces of the puzzle fit into place, and made us understand something we already knew, but didn't know how to interpret.
The following day, we decided to wait for Piero out of the school. We invited him out and drove to the riverbank, the Murazzi, where we could talk in privacy. We asked him what was happening between you. At first he refused to answer us, he simply didn't want to talk about it.
But when Max told him: "Piero, you have to trust us. We feel that you want to split from Eugenio, but he doesn't want to lose you, and is blackmailing you. Is that right?"
Piero then capitulated and told us everything. I was furious and, at least in this case, we both have to be thankful that Max was there with his balance and magnanimity. He took the matter into his hands and assured Piero that nothing bad was going to happen to him and not to worry. He assured him that you would leave him alone. Then we drove him home. He was very relieved, I can tell you. We went back home and waited for you.
Max had to calm me down and make me reflect that your claim to keep Piero bound to you by any means, was possibly more derived by your fear of being alone again other than by any outward wickedness. Now I agree with him, as I know you are not a wicked person, and also because I know that you told Giorgio this fact. But then, I swear, I felt terribly wounded, disappointed, terribly sad for what you were doing to poor Piero.
Max asked me a question. He was referring to you: "So, you don't love him any more?"
"Sure I love him... that's why I'm bloody furious!"
"If you really love him, you must try to calm down and face this problem in the right way. Not in a way driven by anger and disappointment. That will only compound matters. He did wrong - we must not reject him, but help him to understand that wrong. Now he needs us more then ever, don't you agree?"
"You are right, Max. But it would be better if you dealt with this matter. I'm too choked up."
"All right, willingly, but with you must be at my side in support. We both have to address and help him, not just me..."
You came back home and Max faced you with those famous words: "Eugenio, now you will hand me all Piero's letters and all the pictures that he appears in."
You understood immediately, or almost. We knew everything and you shouted at us furiously. Your face became redder with rage: "You said you'd never interfere in my life or nose into my things, and instead you've been spying on me!"
"If we nosed in your things, we would not be asking you to produce them. We would have just taken them. Bring the letters and pictures to us immediately, all of them."
"And if I say no?" you asked with a challenging air, then started to cry, I think with rage at least at that moment, even if according to Max it was because of your feeling of shame.
"Eugenio, we really love you, very much. Therefore we have to ask you to make a choice. If you love and trust us, hand over those letters and pictures, and we can set everything straight, or, if you don't love us, then... ask yourself if there is still a reason for us to live together. We don't want to lose you... you are our son, now, anything could happen..."
You went to get the letters and pictures and handed them to Max, without even looking him into his eyes.
"These are all of them?" Max asked you.
"If you want, go and search my room!" you shouted starting to sob.
"No, I want to trust you. Do you promise me that you will never again try to see Piero, and that you will not do anything against him?"
"Fuck you!" you yelled and went and shut yourself in your room.
Max was really shaken and that night he cried. The only other time I had seen him cry in the many years we have lived together, had been when the duchess died. I too was terribly sad, and didn't know how to console him, how to help him.
After a while, remembering how he succeeded in partly calming me down, I asked him: "Do you love Eugenio?"
"Why do you ask me? Sure I love him, or else I wouldn't feel so bad."
"Like before?"
"More so. If he did wrong, it means we were not able to be near him enough..."
"No, we have made some mistakes, but we have done our best."
I think that Max interpreted my words as a kind of... renouncement of you. He seized my hands and asked me, in an alarmed tone: "But you too love him, don't you? You still love him, don't you?"
"Yes, Max. If my natural son did something like that, I'd continue to love him. And he IS our son."
He nodded, embraced and kissed me. These words made him feel better and I, too. We talked for a long time about how we were going to talk with you, whether we had to tell you something or not, how to make you aware of the gravity of your behaviour. About what you did not only to Piero, but also, and above all, to yourself. We were still confused and under stress when we fell asleep. We couldn't reach a decision.
The following morning, Max went to your room. I thought about going with him but, I must confess, I remained in the corridor as I still felt still too upset with you and was afraid to speak in a negative way.
"Eugenio, I have come to apologize for last night. What I did was right, but the way in which I did it was wrong, I was too hard and cold with you."
You see, in these words there is all of my Max. Your answer lightened my heart.
"No, it's for me to beg forgiveness... to you and Edoardo... and to Piero. I don't know what happened to me. I don't deserve to stay here, I don't deserve your love... I don't..."
"Eugenio, we love you. You too love us, don't you?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes! I owe everything to you, you are more than a family to me, but I have spoiled it all, everything!"
"No, Eugenio, nothing has happened that is beyond repair, thank heaven! Nothing has changed."
"You mean, I'm still... I'm all the same... your son?"
"For ever, Eugenio. Nothing could ever happen to change that. Forever."
Then Max called me and I too came to your room. We embraced. Yes, we really love you as you are, including this bad episode.
1988 was an important year. You came of age, met Giorgio and passed the final exams at high school with good marks.
Do you remember Max's face when, at your birthday party, you asked if, now that the custody period was over, you could remain with us?
"This is your home and you are our son. You can remain here as long as you want, forever if you wish, I thought that was clear..."
"All right, sorry, I won't ask such questions any more..."
"Good, I really hope you don't." I said with a smile.
Another thing I remember about your birthday party is what you said to Ottavio.
"Sir! Judge! (you never were able to treat him with informality, to this day), I always felt respect and embarrassment towards you. Rather, one time I really didn't like you, I must confess. But today I have to tell you that I don't know how to show my gratitude for having been placed in the care of Max and Edoardo. By doing so, you really made me... feel born again. I really don't know how to thank you."
"Eugenio, your best thanks to me as a judge, is your happiness and the full success of this custody. Your best thanks for me as a person, will be if you could relax a little and see your way clear to calling me by my first name, like a friend."
"Do you want me as a friend, even after knowing all about me?"
"Certainly yes, I tried to be your friend when you were a little nuisance... So, much more now."
"Thank you... Ottavio. At times one finds friends and is not even aware of his luck!"