Some other good memories?
When you got your high school diploma; after arriving back home, do you remember the gift that Giovanni and Teresa sent you? Oh, and the joy you had reading the note accompanying it: "To our nephew Eugenio, with affection. Congratulations!"
Then there was the time you met Giorgio at the piano school concert. You introduced him to us at the end of that evening. We at once got a very good impression of him and that night, Max and I asked ourselves if something good was about to start. You know how parents are, they are always thinking about "marrying" their children! But you later told us that he was not gay, so we didn't think any more about the possibility of a blossoming relationship, and considered him to just one of your good friends. Do you remember when you told us that you wanted to invite him to the castle for the summer vacation? We asked whether he would have any problem about our relationship and that of Paolo with Giampi. You explained that Giorgio already knew about our relationship and that he was not offended at all.
At the castle, we heard you play the piano as a duo for the first time. It was really beautiful and a really great way to spend our time together and relax. But Max became aware from the very beginning that you were feeling something special towards Giorgio. When he told me, I watched you both very closely and it was not long before it became evident to me, too.
The way you looked and smiled at him, and your constant need to be near him. At least for us, your signals were very clear! But as always, we decided not to broach the subject until you to raised it with us. We also worried a little, knowing how difficult it would be to fall in love with someone whom you cannot share your feelings and that could never return them as one would desire.
Another thing we noticed was the influence that Giorgio had on you. He has always been a really refined and elegant boy, while you never really had a flair for fashion but a rather saucy look. Little by little, not only did you become more refined in your way of dressing, but also in your behaviour, and even in the care of your body. Your way of speaking - at times you used quite gaudy swearwords in your language, especially when you were angry. With us you naturally learned to control your words, but with Giorgio you stopped completely!
Summer ended and the only thing evident to us was that Giorgio really enjoyed being with you, but as a very close friend, when on the contrary you were in love with him.
Back to town. Giorgio started to come around more often, both to play the piano and simply hang out with you. On the one hand we liked Giorgio more and more as a person, but on the other we became increasingly worried for your being in love with him, because your love was increasing, not diminishing. When you told us of your feelings shortly before Christmas, we told you that, in our opinion, you had to tell him clearly. If he really was your friend, even if very likely he would refuse your love, at least on a physical level, he would remain your friend. But you were so scared to lose him that you decided not to approach the matter, and not to show it as much as it could cost you dearly.
We really didn't know what to do to help. The only thing we could do was be close at hand to offer our love and support.
1989: You continued to see each other rather often, we liked Giorgio more and more, but at the same time nothing was changing between you two, for better or worse. We were more and more worried, as we could see you were suffering. I thought about talking with Giorgio, but Max dissuaded me.
"Our son is big enough to manage his problems in his own way - don't behave like a meddling parent, even if you are trying to do good. This experience, whichever way it ends, will mature him. And if it knocks him down, all we can do is be ready to help him up again. Remember, how many years did you have to wait to see in my eyes an answer to your love?"
"But at least I got an answer... I was incredibly lucky..."
"Let's wish that Eugenio has the same luck. Even if it turns out that he has to accept the unavoidable."
During Easter, the three of us went to Turkey. That short period of separation from Giorgio, we hoped, would help you to see the situation more clearly. But evidently, even if during those days you seemed more carefree and relaxed, it didn't last long. When we returned, everything continued exactly as before, both in your behaviour and in that of Giorgio.
I remember that Max one day told me: "How is possible that Giorgio is not at all aware of Eugenio's burning love for him?"
"Max... Max! And you, how long did it take you recognise me?"
"But we were not so close... I didn't care for you, you know that. On the contrary, they are such close friends... Or Giorgio is completely naive, or he is aware, but hides it to discourage Eugenio some way..."
For the summer, you again invited Giorgio to the castle. We passed the first month like always. Everything was the same between you. Then we noticed that Giorgio was changing, both in his relationship with you and his attitude towards us. He started to behave more formally, became more detached - colder in a way, even though the change was small, and he was still friendly towards you. Max asked me if I had noticed this change and we wondered what the reason could be. Not so evident but perceptible. We thought that perhaps you had made up your mind and told him, but we were wrong.
That afternoon you popped in to the city to buy some scores and Giorgio decided not to come with you on the pretext that he had a bad headache. As soon as you left in the car, Giorgio asked to talk with us.
"I lied to Eugenio, I don't have a headache. I needed the opportunity to be alone with you to talk. What I want to tell you is not easy, but if I don't talk with you, I really don't know who else to ask for advice..."
"OK. Try us..." Max told him. I noticed Max was tense and worried.
"I... I have the impression that Eugenio... is feeling something for me."
"Yes, that is so."
"I... I have first to explain something. You see, even if I am now twenty-years old, I don't have much experience in these matters. That is, I mean... it is not that I really know nothing. But I'm not able to really understand the significance of this matter. I mean... I'm not really able to express myself..."
"Don't you think it would be simpler to say it clearly? You are talking about homosexuality, aren't you?"
"Yes and no... I am talking about sexuality in general, but also about falling in love and... Yes, it would be better if I try to speak clearly, even if I am not used and it will not be so easy. I... well, I have never had occasion to talk about sex and love clearly and seriously with anyone, until now. But I think that... that it would be better to start to do it, if I want to reach some conclusion. I, do you see, up to now I had little experiences... if I can call them experiences. When I was a child, at the middle school, some play with my school mates..."
"You mean mutual masturbation?" I asked him.
"Yes, but, like competitions to find out who could sprout the farthest, or who came first, or... or similar things... games. Then, when I was fourteen, I had my first girlfriend. We touched each other a lot...aroused each other... she made me cum with her hand...pleasurable, but nothing more. A little better than doing it alone! At sixteen a cousin two years older than me, persuaded me to try it with him. I accepted, possibly more out of curiosity than anything else. Again, it was pleasurable, but nothing more. Well, a little more than with that girl, because that time my cousin made me... cum... in another way... I mean, not with his hand, but... in another way..."
"Giorgio, you have no need to be ashamed or shy with us! Sex is a very natural thing and anything you tell us, we really think we can understand it."
"And we have done it, too." I added with a smile.
"He made me cum with his mouth." Giorgio blurted out, blushing. He went silent for a while, probably to place his thoughts in order, then continued where he left off.
"At seventeen I had my second experience with a girl. She was very... hot, she wanted to make love as soon as we were alone. She too was two years older than me and more experienced. She persuaded me to... and I... I penetrated her. It was a weird experience, pleasurable and not pleasurable at the same time you understand. We did it several times but each was the same - pleasurable and disagreeable at once. Anyway, it lasted for eight or nine months until she found another boy, possibly more enthusiastic, and at least she left me in peace."
"Sorry, Giorgio, what do you mean saying it was at once pleasurable and disagreeable?" Max asked him. He could understand better than I as he had had experiences with girls.
"Well, pleasurable because an orgasm is anyway pleasurable. But disagreeable, as all the time I felt like a spring loaded toy, that goes up and down until the battery runs out... as if it was a mechanical, an automatic thing that one does, that you... have to do perhaps. She loaded my spring by getting me aroused, then encouraged me to enter her, I went up and down, I released...and it was over...My battery ran out!"
"Yes, I understand. Continue, please..." Max said with a smile.
"Nothing more. Nothing serious, as I often had long periods when... I managed it by myself. Then I met Eugenio. From the first moment I felt attracted to him, or rather fascinated. It was my first time. And when he offered me his friendship I was so excited about becoming his friend, being able to be near him... I'm not really able to express myself - to me it was a physical fact, even if not explicitly sexual. Besides, liking him very much for his personality, I like looking at him, being near him, enjoying his smile, his glances, his voice... I was not sexually aroused at the beginning, but anyway it is also a physical attraction. Yes, I wanted to be his friend, with all myself... But when he told me he is gay, I was scared for what I was feeling towards him so I told him that I dig just girls...
"... Everything seemed to go well. Eugenio never made me feel ill at ease, he never tried anything, never looked for physical contact with me. For that I'm grateful and admire him... because... if he tried it with me, very likely I would have accepted. Yes, it is really possible. But what scares me, is how I would react afterwards. Would I have felt the same sensation of pleasure and annoyance as in my previous experiences? Therefore, our friendship would have suffered for that? But he didn't try it with me, so I felt more and more free to deepen our friendship."
"Also music, in some ways brought you... closer, also spiritually, I think..." Max said.
"Yes, certainly. Especially when we play together, it is like... a melting, really beautiful, and I wouldn't like to lose that... But the problem has become serious for me in these last few days. I have started to realize that Eugenio is not only attracted to me, I mean physically, but is in love with me. Because a person in love is so... vulnerable! I mean, for me, on a physical level, if it was just like with my cousin who wanted just amuse himself... I could even easily say him yes, let's try it. Even if I prefer that he didn't ask me...that is... if I knew, if I understood that Eugenio wants just amuse himself with me, try it with me... I will try and then, if it doesn't work, friends like before..."
"But he is in love with you..." I said.
"Yes, and this is the problem. To him, it's different, because he is in love with me. And thinking about it now, I was blind not to have seen it before. He has been for a long while, and possibly since the first days we met. To me Eugenio is much too important, I cannot risk losing or hurting him. So, I've made him feel bad all the same. I cannot continue in this way. I really don't know what to do..."
Max and I listened to him carefully, and possibly we listened more to his eyes, to the tone of his voice, at the unconscious movements of his body than to his words. We looked at each other, then Max asked him: "If you were in love with Eugenio... do you think you would still have all these problems?"
"I don't know... possibly yes... I don't think so."
"But do you desire him physically? Are you attracted to him?"
"Yes... more and more. Nowadays, I do but think of him... how it would be if... to go in bed with him... touching him... kissing him..."
"And you say that to you Eugenio is important, and that you don't like to disappoint him."
"Certainly, I would never forgive myself if I hurt him."
"Giorgio, please, explain something - what does it mean for you to be in love with somebody?" I asked.
"To love? I don't really know but... you two, it's evident that you love each other."
"Yes, that's true. But what does it mean to you, to love?"
"To decide to live together, forever possibly? To be always happy to be with each other..." he said.
"No. If it was so... Edoardo and I are not in love."
Giorgio looked at us amazed, without understanding. So I tried to explain better what Max was trying to say.
"What he meant is this - 'forever' is an absurd word. Suggested by the first falling in love, which is by the first, short, wonderful step of real love. How can one honestly be sure of being forever near the other? To live forever together? I could die in three minutes or Max in five. One of us could fall in love with another and leave. One of us could became crazy and make life impossible for the other, so a parting could result... the wisest thing to do, the most reasonable. To be always happy being together? At times Max and I ask ourselves why we decided to live together. Not at first of course, but when the novelty of sharing your life fades away. The small crisis that have happened, have always been very short between Max and me, that's true, they happen very seldom and we get over them, but they have happened and can for sure happen again."
"But then I don't understand..." Giorgio said, in confusion.
"What makes the love that unites Max and me is the fact that this morning, the ninth of August 1989, when we woke up, we again decided that we wanted to live together. And that today we are happy to be together, and that of these 'todays' we have piled up thousands and thousands. And that the balance of our lives, even if it is not positively one hundred per cent, we decided, remarkably, abundantly positive. But we don't know what will happen tomorrow."
"But... if tomorrow you parted? Would not that be... a tragedy?"
"It would be a terrible pain, at least for one of us... probably both... But all the 'yeses' we have pronounced in these last eighteen years of our lives, and all the happiness that these 'yeses' have given us, will remain. Nobody can ever take that away from us."
Max added; "But what allowed us to say our first 'yes' and thereafter all the others, was the fact that we really love each other and that we desire each other. Loving another means to be ready to do all that is in your power to help the other to build his own life. Edoardo knows that my life consists of having him, and so his life has been a continuous gift of himself to me."
"And all the same, Max' life has been a gift of himself to me, to make me happy, because my happiness is his happiness. And if Max is happy, so am I."
"And if Edoardo is happy, I too am happy."
"Like the links on a chain... it is beautiful." Giorgio said, starting to understand.
"Therefore, the problem is - you, Giorgio. Do you feel like living to make Eugenio happy? To do for him, or with him, everything that could make him happy? And also making love?"
"Today? Certainly yes, I would be glad to make him happy. But until when? And tomorrow?" Giorgio asked us with big, ingenuous eyes.
"Well, tomorrow you will have to ask yourself the same question and the day after, and so on. What you have to ask yourself today is - do I really want to ask myself this question each and every day? Also when will you feel the heaviness to be near him? Even when routine enters in your lives? Day after day and never taking anything for granted?" Max asked.
But I had another thought: "Possibly, the doubt that Giorgio has is also another. Is it more right with a woman than with a man? In other words - Eugenio is gay, but am I?"
Giorgio looked at me and shook his head: "No, I have never asked myself if I am gay or not. But then, I do feel attracted to Eugenio."
"Attracted... how?" Max asked.
Giorgio, lightly blushing, answered: "I would like to see him naked... to touch him and have him touch me... to make love with him, in short. I desire to put my hands, my lips on his body, everywhere... really everywhere, and feel his lips on me... And then, I know that when two men make love, one of the ways is... is also... the penetration. And I want to try that with him. Even if I have never tried it before... to be penetrated, I mean... but I would be ready with him... if he wanted."
"Do you really want to see him happy, and know that you are the reason of his happiness?"
"Yes, oh yes! That would be wonderful."
"Then, my boy, you ARE in love with him!"
"I... do you really think so?"
"Yes, I believe it." Max said.
"I too am convinced." I added, "But I feel that Giorgio could still have a problem. What if, with Eugenio like with his last girlfriend, he is pleased and annoyed at the same time?"
"Oh, yes, this really scares me. Because it was such a mechanical thing and it tired me psychologically. I really wanted to run away from her..."
"But you were not in love with that girl, and neither was she with you, evidently. With her it was just sex and clearly that was not enough for you. As you rightly said, it was just a mechanical thing. But when you are in love, all you are doing is not for yourself, but to see the other happy, and in that there is nothing mechanical. Believe me. It is just like when you play the piano together, you think only, or rather you feel the need, to melt the harmony you are creating with his own, isn't it? It is not at all mechanical, right? I think it is difficult, after what we told each other, that it doesn't work, between you and Eugenio, right the physical aspect. Also making love is, could be... making music together."
"So then... do you think I can try to love Eugenio? To accept his love?"
"I really think it would be better, right Max?"
"Yes. Listen, Giorgio, I have an idea. In a while Eugenio will be back. Go to the tower, on the terrace by the battlements and wait for him. We will send him up there. Talk, tell him all you feel. Tell him of your hopes and your fears. If all goes well, make love up there, it is a magic place, a wonderful place..."
Giorgio deliciously blushed at these last words, but nodded in assent and his eyes shone. We took him there and showed him where to find the airbed we normally used.
"When... when you will tell him to come here... don't tell him I am here, please? Don't tell him about our conversation, I beg you..."
"Certainly not, all right. Good luck, Giorgio..." Max said and he went downstairs.
I embraced Giorgio, kissed him on his cheek and said: "Don't worry too much. Anyhow it goes, what you are doing, what you want to do, is wonderful."
We waited for almost an hour, and were afraid that Giorgio would get tired and come downstairs. We were on the tenterhooks, but at last you came back. Do you still remember the pretext with which we sent you up the tower? You asked where Giorgio was, eager to see him again, and we said that it was about an hour since we had seen him and we didn't know where he was - possibly he went for a walk somewhere... Then we asked you to go to the tower and check that we hadn't left the airbed outside... You went upstairs.
We waited with our hearts literally in our mouths, crossing our fingers. We were as nervous as any father waiting in the waiting room of the maternity ward for his first child. The more time passed, the more we felt assured.
When, at supper time, the bell was rung, we hoped you would not yet come down... Paolo and Giampi came and asked where you were. We said nothing, just that we would start eating without you. You didn't come. After supper we watched the sky darkening, still waiting for you, but now we know that... everything went according to plan.
The last rays of light had just vanished and the sky was already studded with stars when you appeared. It was enough to look at your eyes - they were shining just like the star-studded sky we had been observing. And you were tenderly holding each others hands.
And you said, bursting with joy: "Giorgio and I... we would like to try to... imitate you. Do you think we will be able to build something wonderful as you two have done?"
"We are sure, and you will do even something better than us, dear boys!"
Giorgio was radiant and that allowed us to understand that even the problem he feared, didn't exist.
Well.
After that day one year has elapsed, and you are always wonderful. It is a joy looking at you two, having you two at home with us. The blooming of your relationship has also replenished our relationship, and also for that we are grateful.
Honestly, I feared you wanted to find an apartment for you two alone, as soon as Giorgio would have been able to part from his family. Of course I would have understood and accepted it, as much as it would pain me (all the same, the parents, right?).
When you both asked if you could simply change the single bed with a double one in your room (but you said 'in our room') I was really, really happy. Max too, of course, even if before he told me that should you decide to live alone, we would not stand in your way, because it is just natural that a couple wants their privacy.
Anyway, just last night, Max and I decided that we have all four to look for a bigger apartment, as our family has grown bigger, and as, thanks to your love, we now have two son instead of just one...
Max and I wrote these pages filled with memories and this is our present to you for the first anniversary of your union, with a thousand wishes for a long and happy life together
Massimiliano and Edoardo
San Salva Castle
the 9th of August 1990