When we arrived at the mansion, I told grandma that as soon as she had time, I needed to talk to her. She agreed and, after a while she came looking for me.
"So, Massimiliano, here I am. Some problem?"
"Can we sit down, grandma Liza?"
"Good God! You do look serious! What is troubling you?"
"Mémé, I love you, you know that. I love you very much."
"Yes, I know. I too love you very much."
"Yes. That's why this is so difficult. I mean, what I... have to tell you. I know it will hurt you, and I regret that very much, but I have to tell you."
"My God! Is it so terrible? Don't keep me on tenterhooks..."
"No, to me it doesn't at all seem terrible, but... it could be for you, mémé."
"Well... I am here. I am listening."
"Mémé, I... I am... From tomorrow I'm going to live elsewhere."
"Elsewhere? What do you mean? Don't you feel happy here any more?"
"Yes, extremely. With you I have always felt more than happy. But I have to start my life... independently."
"I see, you have grown up, it is true. It is right, even if to me you will always remain my little boy. Where are you thinking of going?"
"I found an attic room, just to start with."
"Good. It will be rather lonely not having around any more, but I understand. This is not such a terrible thing to ..."
"Wait, mémé. I haven't yet told you everything. I will not be living alone! Another person will be sharing with me. We are in love, and..."
"Massimiliano! To live together before marriage? I didn't expect this, certainly not! I understand you are in love, this is a good thing, but don't you think it will be better to wait until you marry? Now that you have graduated, you can marry soon, if..."
"Mémé, we two... cannot marry..."
"What? Why? You are not talking about Margherita then. I see! I noticed that you two don't meet so frequently, but..."
"No, mémé, it is not her. With her there would not be problem to marry. The fact is that... is that it is..." and I stopped - how difficult it was tell her that it was a man, that I am gay!
"Do you mean to say that she is... is already married? Are you planning to start an adulterous relationship? To live in sin?" she asked widening her eyes in disbelief.
"No, it is not a married woman. And... in your eyes my... my sin will be even worse than adultery, I think. But we love each other. We are so and it... it is not a woman... it is a man!"
Finally, I said it!
Grandma was sitting silently, visibly becoming paler as every second passed. She looked at me aghast for what seemed and eternity. Then she gave a faint smile: "Is this a joke?" she asked.
"No, mémé! He and I are... homosexuals and we love each other."
Granda's faced turned deadly serious: "Massimiliano! How can you say something so... so horrible!"
"Mémé, please. To me it is not horrible, we love each other, we really do!"
"Two men! TWO MEN! It... it... it is against nature, you too know it..."
"Mémé! It is not against nature. It would be against nature if a fish climbed a tree, or if a fox made love with a hen. But my nature is to love men. I didn't choose it any more than being born or to be a man, or be Italian, or be a Faletti! I'm following my nature, what I was born to be!"
"You are raving! Sodomy is one of the worst sins! It... it is against nature! Man has been created to unite to a woman, not to a man!"
"Mémé..."
"If a man lies with another man, it is an abomination."
"All right, mémé. Do I have to kill myself, then?"
"Do not dare talk nonsense! Life is sacred. But..."
"If I live, I have to live as I am, not the way others have decided."
"But it is God's law! It was not decided by others."
"...then, why did He make me so? I didn't ask Him!" I almost shouted.
"Do not curse! He did not make you so!"
"Who then? Who? You perhaps?"
"I do not know. My God! I do not know, but... you can try to change..."
"Yes, the day when you will be able to sprout wings, and fly like a bird!" I bitterly retorted.
"If you are... that way, then it could be true. Unhappily it happens. But why not to try to correct yourself? Marry, create for yourself an honest life, a sound one, don't let yourself go this way..."
"Mémé, right! If I marry I will lead a dishonest and miserable life. I would be lying to myself and my wife, don't you understand? I have tried, believe me! Towards a girl I can feel, at most, a liking, esteem and affection, but not love. Yes, I can also go to bed with a woman, make her pregnant, but in my heart of hearts, I would be cheating her each time, because I love another man! This really would be a terrible thing to do, don't you understand?" I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.
"No, I don't. Perhaps I am too old...I don't understand. You, my Massimiliano... you are completely different from what I thought."
"No, mémé. I am not different! I am the same Massimiliano you knew 20-minutes ago! I have the same two legs like before, I am graduated like before, I am the Max of before in every way and for all time... just what concerns my sexuality it is different from what you presumed."
"It always remains the choice of chastity..."
"Mémé, the chastity way is a vocation... that I don't feel, don't have! I have promised love, and I cannot...will not break my promise. I..."
"You do understand then that... everything changes? For instance, you can no more access a diplomatic career, because if they found out, they would discard you as if you were a piece of waste paper. Everything changes!"
"Yes, I know. In fact, I have already given up the idea of a diplomatic career, because I do not intend to hide what I am. I don't want to live in hypocrisy. And I understand also that I have to renounce to you, to your milieu, because I don't want you to be ashamed in the face of your friends and the family. This is what really hurts the most, losing you. It hurts me to hurt you. But I cannot pretend, act all my life, especially with you. I could deceive you by not telling you. But I could never do that to you mémé, because I love you."
Grandma sat bolt upright, pale and looking me straight into my eyes.
"What can I do?" she finally asked with a flat voice.
"Nothing, mémé. Continue to love me, if it is possible. I don't ask anything more of you. I do not have the right."
"Certainly I love you, even if I cannot understand or cannot accept. What you have told me is horrible... But even if you killed, I would love you the same, even if I could not accept, understand."
"I didn't kill, mémé. I am just in love."
"With a man! Yet you are virile, you are not one of those poor... I still cannot believe it!"
"He too is virile, mémé. You don't have to think to us as a couple of... wrongly-made women. It is right our virility we love, in each other."
"Oh, stop it! Stop it, please! Just to think of you in the arms of a... a... a man, makes me shudder! You are throwing your life away, in that way... why?"
"I throw away just trivial things, in exchange for love."
"Love, LOVE! How is that possible? Love is possible only between a man and a woman. It is absurd to talk about love between two men. At most, concupiscence, not love!"
"I too thought in this way, before. But it is not so absurd, mémé, as we two are living this love. Anyway, from tomorrow I will live elsewhere, you will not have to be ashamed of me."
"This is not the problem. Just to know that... how you live, it causes me great pain."
"I can see that and I am sorry. But I am this way. Anyway, at least, you will not be forced to see me any more..."
"Massimiliano, this is and will always be your home. You can come here whenever you wish. I will never send you away, I would never ever do that. I am your grandmother, I raised you. I love you with all my heart, I will always be happy to see you..."
"Will you be happy to see us, him and me?"
"No! Why has he to come here? YOU are my grandson."
"But he is the person I love, who shares my life. If you cannot accept him, you are not accepting me either. I am sorry, mémé, but it is so."
"You can not ask me that, Massimiliano."
"I am asking nothing of you, mémé. But, either you accept that Edoardo and I love each other, or..."
"Edoardo?! Is he... Oh my God! And it was me who... who put him near you, who did... who pushed you in each other arms! God! God! God! What have I done? It is terrible. That boy who seemed so... so good... and on the contrary he is so corrupted..."
"Corrupted? As much as I am, mémé. And if it was not him, it would have been another, nothing changes. Yes, Edoardo. He is a splendid boy, full of tenderness and love, intelligent, good hearted, beautiful, delicate, strong, honest... and he is my man."
"He is a poor boy. His family never gave him any love. But you, you always had love."
"Yes, from you yes, mémé, it is true. And now, finally, he too can receive love, thanks to me. And I am grateful to him that he accepts my love, and that he gives me his'."
Grandma shook her head slowly, several times. Then asked me: "And how will you two live?"
"We will work."
"But what life will you have away from your families... alone...?"
"We love each other, we will have a wonderful life, believe me."
"And how long will it last? Don't deceive yourself, it cannot last! Such a thing!"
"How long lasts any marriage. Some end early, some later, some last a lifetime... if there is love."
"But yours is not a marriage! It is a sinful relationship and sin cannot bring happiness. It is a building without foundations, it is..."
"Real love can never be a sin, mémé. Love IS foundation, and even sound ones."
"But yours is not love, it is an illusion of love. In reality it is just lust, perhaps, carnal pleasure, perhaps..."
"What do you know, mémé? Ours IS love!"
"What do you know, you! The Church always taught..."
"Please, mémé! We will never understand each other on this issue. I know that ours is love and I want to live it, to its end!"
"You are of age, an adult. I cannot prevent you. I pity you, my poor boy, I have sympathy for you."
"No, thank you, I don't need your pity. All the more because yours is not sympathy, that means to suffer together, because you suffer against me and not with me. I am sorry, mémé, I hurt you, you don't deserve it and I love you, mémé, and I know you love me. Let us part on this, who is at last a positive thing. Let us forget all the rest, please. I don't want to part on... on a judgement, on a condemnation."
"It is not for me to judge or condemn you. And I pray God will forgive you."
"I think that at least HE, will understand. Thank you, mémé, and forgive me."
Grandma stood up and approached me. I was still sitting. She took my head and gently pulled it onto her lap. She cuddled me for a while. I felt like weeping, I felt so very sad for her, but tears didn't want to flow, like water can't be drawn from a dried up spring.
"I love you, Massimiliano. If you ever need me, the door is always open, wide open for you. And... even if it costs me very much... also for Edoardo. But don't ask me to meet you together, to have... 'drawing room conversations' with you as if nothing had happened. It is out of wickedness, believe me. It is just my limit. But I love you."
I stood up, we embraced, she kissed my forehead and caressed my cheek.
"What time will you leave, tomorrow?"
"In the morning, around eleven. I have to take my things..."
"Do you need anything in particular? You can take with you all you want, this is your home."
"Nothing for the moment, mémé. Thank you."
"Will you say good bye, before leaving?"
"Of course, mémé, sure I will. How could I possibly leave my mémé without saying goodbye?!"
She withdrew to her room. I went to my room and started to pack my things. Poor grandma. I was really feeling for her, but I knew I could not behave differently. I went to bed but slept little and when I did, rather badly. I woke up continually. I was tense, restless and terribly sorry to leave grandma, but eager to be with my Edoardo again.
Morning came. I finished preparing my luggage. I asked Filippo and Stefano to help me to load everything into my 500, then went upstairs to say goodbye to the staff, and at last I took leave of grandma. She wanted to give me some money.
"I don't need it, grandma, thank you. I have some savings in the bank."
"All this will be yours at my death. Begin taking something."
"I don't need it, really. And we have to start off with our own resources."
"Don't be proud, Massimiliano Faletti! Come on, take it."
It was the first time, in years, she called me by both first and last name. It felt strange, almost like she wanted to mark the parting. Or, perhaps, it was instead just an affirmation of my independence, I don't know. I accepted the envelope she was handing me and put it in the inside pocket of my jacket.
"Remember, this is your home. I love you, I really do love you."
"I too, grandma Elisabetta. Bye!" It had been so heavy to part from her.
I went downstairs and drove to the room. I struggled upstairs with all my luggage, took off my jacket and waited for Edoardo.
Come noon he had still not arrived. Not even at one 'o clock. I began to worry, to feel bad. What has happened? Why hasn't he arrived yet?
>From the jacket I had thrown onto the mattress, was the envelope grandma gave me, jutting out of the pocket. I opened it. There was a note with just three words "with love, mémé" and a cheque for five millions. I thought we could buy some furniture, a table, two chairs, a closet, a cooker... essential things.
It was 2:30 and Edoardo had still not yet appeared. I became restless. For a while I sat on the mattress, then I lay down, then I paced up and down the small room. At 3:45 I decided to go downstairs to telephone him. I left a note on the mattress, in case he came in while I was not there. I found a bar with a public telephone and dialled Edoardo's number. One of the staff answered.
"Hallo? I am Massimiliano Faletti. Is Edoardo at home?"
"No, sir, he is not."
"Do you know were he went? When will he be back?"
"No, sir, I have no idea."
"May I talk with one of the De Turris?"
"I am sorry, sir, nobody is at home, sir."
"Thank you. Good bye."
I replaced the receiver. Where has he gone? What has happened? I couldn't understand. I went back up to the attic. I didn't know what to do, what to think. I felt lost. I continually looked at my watch. It was now eight in the evening!
At nine, I decided to make the call again. No news! They said that no one was at home. I asked to leave a message for Edoardo. They answered that they didn't know when the De Turris would be back, and that they didn't know where the family went. Everything sounded so strange, so incredible! Edoardo promised me that he would be here for noon... I asked myself, did we misunderstand each other? Did he perhaps mean noon the day after today? No! We had been very clear, we repeated it a thousand times! Noon of Wednesday 24th October, that is today.
I must have dozed off dressed with the light on, but the slightest noise made me sit up on the mattress, awake, my heart was in turmoil, my eyes were on the door. He didn't come. The following morning at seven I was up, nervous and rather devastated. I really didn't know what to do to make this awful nightmare stop. Where was my Edoardo? Where was my love? What has happened to him?
I couldn't believe he had changed his mind, not him, it was absolutely impossible! But then? How was it that all the family were out of town? Did some accident happen? An unforeseen event, maybe! If something prevented Edoardo to come, he would surely have called me at grandma's. I looked at myself in the mirror over the sink - I was unshaven, I had shadows under my eyes...
I took off my shirt, washed my face, shaved and I don't know how I managed not to cut myself, so much was my hand shaking. I dressed and combed myself. It was eight 'o clock. I again went to phone. Nothing! The same vague words. I had a coffee and thumbed through the newspaper, restlessly. Then I had an idea - I would call Edoardo's father's office at the factory.
"Hallo? May I speak to doctor Francesco De Turris, please?"
"Who may I say is calling?"
"I am Massimiliano Faletti di San Salva."
"Hold the line please..."
My heart beat furiously.
"His secretary tells me that the Doctor is away."
"What time will he be back?"
"We don't know, he is out of town."
Out of town. Where did they go? Why? What happened? Why hasn't Edoardo informed me?
To make it short, Eugenio, I passed the whole day waiting and calling to always hear the same replies. I thought that perhaps an unforeseen event occurred, so sudden and serious that Edoardo didn't think to inform me. Perhaps a letter would come from Edoardo, explaining everything. He would for sure send the letter here to the attic, to our home!
I again left a note on the mattress and went out. I went to the bank to deposit grandma's cheque, then I started to tour the furniture shops to get an idea about what we could buy, to compare prices... to make time pass. As soon as Edoardo arrived I would go with him to choose the furniture and order it. Two more days elapsed. By Saturday evening he had not yet arrived, and neither a letter. I called again at his home - still no news.
Sunday morning. I decided to go and see grandma, hoping that Edoardo had called or written there. Nothing. Grandma at once noticed I was tense, tired, and wanted to know what was happening. I explained.
Almost like searching for the right words, she said: "Perhaps... perhaps Edoardo's parents... did persuade him that... that he should not go."
"No, grandma, I don't believe that. He was determined as much as I was. And he would have written, anyway, if not called."
"Even if he did write to you, the letter could arrive next week. You know how slow our mail service is..."
"Yes, that's possible..."
"Why don't you remain here."
"No, grandma, thank you. I want him to find me at home when he comes."
"If he comes..." grandma corrected my gently.
"He will come, I am sure. He will come."
I went back to the attic. Sunday passed. On Monday I phoned again to his home and his father's factory. Still nothing.
Thursday, around lunchtime, as I was going for a job interview, I passed in front of the Sociale High School, and I saw Giovanni De Turris coming out. Giovanni was then fourteen. I called him and he recognized me. He had a strange look in his eyes. Giovanni looked around worriedly, then he pointed to a bar on the other side of the boulevard, and beckoned me to go there. I looked at him rather puzzled. He now was ignoring me and talking with a schoolgirl. I crossed the boulevard and entered the bar. I ordered a beer and sat at a table near the window, from where I could see the Sociale's entrance. Giovanni waived goodbye to his mates, looked around again and then crossed the boulevard towards me. He entered the bar and, as if ignoring me, went to sit at the table furthest from the entrance. I looked at him and he made a signal for me to join him. I went.
As I sat, interrupting my question, he hurriedly said in a low, clandestine voice: "I have little time. Any moment now my father's driver will arrive to pick me up. You two are in a bad mess, you can't see Edo. Shit, he is here, I must go..."
"I have to talk with you! You have to explain!"
"Yes, I too want to talk with you. But they must not see us together. I'll leave a note for you with the barman tomorrow. To you any time is good?"
"Yes, sure, but... wait!"
"I can't. Ciao!" he said, stood up and left.
I watched him get into the car and leave. I had an idea. I called at his home. "Everybody is out of town." Everybody. Then, it was a lie. They had lied to me for a week. Giovanni said 'You two are in a bad mess, you can't see Edo.' Therefore he knew about us. Edoardo did tell his family as we agreed. But he is of age, his family cannot stop him, for sure. Unless they could in some ways blackmail him... Something I didn't know about, but what?
Anyway, Giovanni said he too wanted to meet with me. I would get news from him, at last I would know, understand. He would leave me a note the following morning. I would come back and wait for him in front of the school... but he evidently was afraid to be seen with me by the driver, and he didn't want, it was evident. And anyway he would have had little time to talk with me. I could just wait and hope for his note.
Wednesday morning I was in the bar at 7:30, sitting on the end so that I was not visible from the street, but I could see bar counter. Around eight the first students came in to have their breakfast. At 8:25 a girl entered, said something to the barman and gave him something. At 8:30 all the students had already entered the school but Giovanni didn't show up. Perhaps he was late. I waited until it was nine 'o clock. Then I thought that possibly I just didn't see him there, when it was crowded, so I went to the barman and asked him if he received an envelope for me.
"Yes, a girl came with this envelope... How do you say is your name?"
"Massimiliano Faletti."
"Ah... here it is written Massimo F."
"It's me. Friends at time call me Massimo, or Max."
The barman gave me the envelope with a smile, and asked me; "Also girls, then?"
I nervously nodded, went back to my table and opened it. Inside there was a note:
"Please, stop calling! If I can, I'll help you, but it will not be easy. Try to be at the Tennis Club on Friday at 16:30. It's off boulevard Appio Claudio, the Bonnet. You will need a card to enter. Go and join now, immediately. Wear tennis clothes. Wait for me at the bar. I will arrive at 16:30 and must leave by 17:45. The driver will bring me there and collect me. Be careful that he doesn't see you, he knows you. Get there at 16:00 no later, and remain inside the bar. The driver never enters and from outside the bar is not visible. Be careful. And stop phoning, it only makes things worse."
All that! He didn't sign and he explained nothing. But he wanted to help me and he knew. I immediately went to the Bonnet to join and, as they didn't ask for documents except two photos, I didn't use my real name. I joined as Mario De Santis. My card would be ready in two days.
On Friday morning I went to fetch my membership card and toured the club in order to orientate myself in the large complex. I paid the fee for a cycle of lessons, so that I could go back regularly, if it became necessary to meet with Giovanni more than once. Then I went to buy a tennis outfit and racket. I was feeling terribly nervous, tense.
In the afternoon at two 'o clock I was inside the club. I took a one-hour tennis lesson and at 15:35, after a shower, I went into the bar. One more hour to wait, I mused. I had a sandwich and a cappuccino - in those days I ate little, and badly and I was starting to feel somewhat weak. At 16:25 Giovanni entered the bar. He saw me and came immediately at my table.
"Well, we have just one hour, but I think that it will be enough." he said sitting.
"What happened? Where is Edoardo?"
"I don't know if I am right to mix with this bad affair, but I... Edoardo is my brother and I hope he knows what he is doing, even if I think he has lost his head."
"You know about him and..."
"About you two? Yes, everybody knows at home. Edo told us as soon as he came back from San Salva, during supper. We all were there... even the staff. Christ, what a scene! He told us about you two, and that he wanted to come to live with you. I never saw my father so... so... terrible. He has never been so tender with us, but that evening... He stood up, made Edo stand up, and started to slap his face, to slap, to slap. And Edo was there, still, absolutely still, not even trying to protect himself, and looking straight in father's eyes. And when my father stopped, Edo repeated, calm as if nothing happened, that on the following morning he was coming to live with you.
Our Mother, Lucia and I, were like three statues. Then our mother ordered the staff to leave us, and told Lucia and me to go to our rooms. At our home orders are not disobeyed, so we went. Later our father summoned us. He told us that we were not to answer the telephone or the door, and that we had absolutely to avoid any contact with you and your grandmother. Nothing more. I asked where Edo was, to which he told me to mind my own business. But then, spying on the staff, I understood he had locked him inside the storeroom on the first floor. I wanted to talk to him, but there was always somebody about. I don't know what they do to make him eat, or how he goes to the toilet... I don't even know if they have tied him up or... I just know that I've heard my mother say Edo would run away at the first chance, and my father answer that it was impossible, and that he was moving his pawns.
I could hear the staff answering your calls that there was nobody at home, following our father's orders. Then Tuesday, after seeing you, back home, I heard voices. I managed to understand almost everything. It was our father talking with Edo. Edo was just repeating that any which way he would come to live with you. He was calm, normal. That made me shudder I can tell you! After more than a week shut in there... I would have gone insane!"
"But he can't keep him shut in there for ever. Sooner or later he has to surrender, your father."
"I too think so, but it will be much later than sooner, if I know him well. But... are you really... in love, with Edo?"
"Yes, totally. We cannot live one without the other."
"In my opinion, if you are so... it is idiotic, absurd to put a spoke in your wheels. But I don't know what you can do, at least for the moment, just wait..."
"But Edo is of age. Your father cannot keep... keep him in prison!"
"He is doing just that."
"But this is kidnapping. I'll report it to the police!"
"No, wait. Possibly things will settle. To report him you will have to start running things bigger than us. Our father has a legion of lawyers, he would be able to neutralize everything. It is not so easy."
"But... and your mother, she says nothing?"
"Our mother? She would never ever oppose to our father. I talked a lot with Lucia. Also we two can do very little, and rather, if we intervened it would be even worse, for Edo."
"Worse than that? What worse can he do to him?"
"I don't know. But my father always gets what he wants, always reaches where he wants. Why do you think he has become so rich? I hate my father! As soon as I am old enough, I will run away from home, but without a word! Edo would have done better if he said nothing and just disappeared, I think. But for the moment, we can do nothing better than endure and wait."