They walked for a long time in Greenwich Park, chatting. The Christmas spirit was in the air everywhere. This, together with being beside Norman, made Neil think that this was the most beautiful Christmas day of his life. The Christmases he had spent with Stuart had also been good. But then years of emptiness, of solitude, had blurred their beauty in his memory. Stuart had hurt him more than he realized. That pain hadn't yet gone completely, but at least for a few days it had been soothed by Norman's presence. Even if he could not make love with the boy, they would surely become friends. Yes, they would become friends. He would have his first true friend at forty-one. Better late than never, Neil decided, snuggling down into this thought.
They got back home late. Neither of them felt hungry. Neil prepared some tea, while Norman put into the stereo the disco CD that he'd given to Neil. At once the small apartment was filled with the rhythmic reverberations. When Neil took the tea into the living room, the boy had moved the table and chairs and was dancing barefoot in the centre of the room.
"Come here and dance too." The boy invited him.
The man took off his shoes and tried to dance too, imitating the boy's movements as if he were a mirror. But, more than anything, he was watching the boy dancing. Norman's entire body was moving rhythmically, perfectly synchronized to the music. His movements were beautiful, harmonious, sensual, and they fascinated Neil. He saw the boy slowly transforming under his eyes, dancing more and more freely and loosely, his face losing its usual seriousness and slowly, little by little, opening up into a kind of smile - a blissful expression was spreading across his face. It was like watching a flower blossoming. Neil, still dancing, was deeply stirred. Norman's movements seemed to become more and more seductive, more and more attractive, and more and more sexy.
Neil felt his brow becoming covered in droplets of sweat, and it was not because of the room's warmth, but because of the sensations he was feeling. The boy's eyes were shining now. Norman had lit the candles again and turned off the lamp. The atmosphere was suggestive and charged with emotion and eroticism.
"Fix us a drink... the whiskey we bought yesterday..." Norman suggested.
Neil went to make the drinks. He put some ice cubes in a bowl, prepared two tumblers and handed one to the boy. He sipped it then started dancing again. Neil was fascinated. Norman was smiling openly now and his smile was wonderful. Neil fell under its spell. That body: so flexible, moving so suggestively; the flickering light of the candles, the whisky... they all contributed to create an atmosphere that became more and more charged with sensuality. Neil half closed his eyes, still looking at the dancing boy, until he saw only a vague silhouette. Then he imagined that Norman was naked. He became inflamed, excited, and felt an incredibly strong desire to embrace him, to kiss him, to make love with him.
This last thought shook Neil and he suddenly regained his self-control. He stopped dancing and went into the kitchen to drink a glass of cold water. Then he went back into the living room. Norman was drinking his umpteenth glass of whisky. He looked at Neil seriously. Neil looked at the boy then switched off the stereo.
"What's up?" Norman asked softly.
"It's one 'o clock. Let's go to bed."
"No. I want to dance some more." Norman said, switched on the stereo again and started to dance once more. Neil nodded but sat on an armchair.
"Won't you dance?"
"No, I feel tired. You go on, I'll watch you."
Norman danced again. But Neil became aware that now the boy was dancing for him, in front of him, his only audience. Again the scene fascinated Neil, but now, being on the alert, he struggled with himself to keep at bay those thoughts, those desires, those fantasies. It wasn't easy. Norman seemed moving in a terribly sensual way - deliberately. Neil wiped the sweat off his brow. The boy's body captured his eyes and Neil became conscious of the powerful erection that this vision was giving him. But, being seated, he was certain that Norman could not be aware of it. More time elapsed and Neil realized that this tantalizing torment was becoming unbearable. He was no longer sure he could control his reactions, even if he stopped drinking. So, he stood up.
"I'm going to bed. You can keep on dancing, if you want," Neil said and went into the bedroom.
Norman switched off the stereo and followed him in. They undressed in silence. Neil turned away so that the boy could not see his erection. While Neil was slipping under the eiderdown, he saw that Norman, now wearing just his underpants, was putting on his old jeans.
In alarm he asked, "What are you doing? Why are you dressing again?"
"I'm going away."
"Going away? You said you would stay for a few more days..."
"I've changed my mind."
Neil sat up in the bed, "But at this hour? There are no more trains or buses, At least wait until tomorrow morning. Spend one more night here, just one more..."
"No, I'm going."
"But you promised..."
"I didn't promise a fucking thing! I don't want to stay here, I'm leaving, understand?" the boy shouted, trying to button up his trousers but without success as his hands were trembling so much. He gave up and picked up his green shirt.
"No, wait..." Neil said, getting out of the bed on Norman's side and trying to pull the shirt away from him.
"No, I'm going! Leave me alone! I-am-going-away!" Norman screamed almost hysterically.
"No, you can't. Wait... Have I done something wrong? I don't think so, but..."off Neil said grabbing the boy by an arm in an attempt to stop him.
Norman wriggled free, put one hand into the pocket of his trousers that were hanging on his hips, and pulled out a flick-knife that he flicked open.
"You let me go! And don't dare touch me! Understand? You get your hands off my body, understand? You didn't buy me with a lunch or a fucking watch. You can shove that watch up your ass! You want me to stay here tonight to fuck me, but you won't! I'm going away, get it?" Norman shouted, waving his knife menacingly in front of himself.
"I... I... Are you crazy? I was not thinking about that at all."
"Right! And I'm stupid. I saw the way you were looking at me, you know? I saw you had a hard-on, you know? But I'm not going to let you to fuck me. Is that clear? I'm going away. Is that clear?"
Neil felt his blood boil. Then suddenly, a quiet rage washed over him. He jumped forward. Neil thrust out his knife. Neil hit his wrist with the edge of his hand and the knife flew over to the other side of the bed. Then he jumped on top of the boy. Norman struggled with all his might to get free, but Neil, with a few easy moves, pushed him onto the bed, pinning him there with the weight of his body.
When Norman was immobilized, Neil, his face almost against the boy's, said in fury, "I'm stronger than you, see? If I wanted to rape you it would be child's play for me now. You can scream as loud as you like, there is nobody upstairs or downstairs - nobody will hear you, nobody! Look, now I'm pulling off your trousers and you can't stop me. You see? I spread your legs like this, you see? And if I want I can now take off your underpants, and I can fuck your ass to my heart's content, and you can't get away from me. Do you realize that? But I won't do it, because I respect you. I won't do it because it is not what you want. Do you understand, Norman? Do you understand? Do you understand? Sure, looking at you dancing aroused me, because you have a very desirable body, and because I like you. Holding you this way now arouses me, it's true. I would like to make love with you, it's true. But to make love, not to rape you. But I know that it's not what you want, so I haven't tried, I haven't even tried. How could you have doubted me? Why have you been so... so... unfair to me?"
Norman's chest was heaving and he stared at him, empty-eyed. Neil was also breathing heavily. He sensed his strength abandoning him and felt a huge desire to cry.
Without getting off him, he said, "I'll let you go now. Get out! Out! Out from my home! I don't want to see you again. And to think that I had hoped that you and I could become friends. Wasn't I a fool? I wanted to offer you my friendship, not a fuck. Get dressed and leave me alone. I'm better off alone than with a sick-head like you. You really deserved a good fucking, Norman. You really deserved to be raped..."
Neil let the boy go and went over to the other side of the bed and put on his gown. Norman dressed again. When he passed by Neil, the man handed him his flick-knife, folded.
"This is yours. Take it."
"Neil..."
"Go away now, Norman. Go away. Away." Neil said in a tired voice.
The boy left the apartment.
Neil heard the click of the door downstairs. He looked out the window and saw Norman crossing the road and going away in the direction of New Cross. He took off his gown and went back to his bed. He thought about the boy walking, alone, in the dead of night, in the cold... and felt a mute pain constricting his chest, gripping his throat.
Then he called out, with a choked voice, "Go away, stupid! Go away! Fuck off!ì What a shit!"
He didn't even know whether he was cursing the boy or himself. He just knew that he had lost Norman... and he realized that he was in love with the boy.
"Why do I always have to fall in love with the wrong people?" he asked himself aloud, shaking his head.
On the following day he woke up at ten a.m. with a terrible headache. He swallowed two Veganin then started to tidy the apartment, to clean up. When everything was in order and all the traces of the boy's presence had been erased, apart from the SF novel and the disco CD, he sat on the armchair, his head between his hands.
Amid sobs he cried, "Norman, I thought you were different from the others. I hoped you were different. Oh Christ! Do you realize that you've stabbed me in the back? Why? Why?"
Neil felt empty, miserable, destroyed. How was it possible that he could be so vulnerable? How was it possible that a big boy that he'd known for only a few days had the power to cause him so much pain, to wound him so deeply?
He stood up and went into the kitchen to prepare a bowl of cornflakes and milk. The apartment smelled of cigarettes... He put on a pullover and opened the windows. He looked at the bathroom door and recalled Norman's shadow. He went back into his bedroom - the pillow on the left still had the indentation from the boy's head. He threw himself on the bed, embraced that pillow, buried his face in it and burst into tears, trying to give vent to all the pain he felt. He fell asleep. When he woke up again, it was already dark outside. He looked at his watch - it was eight p.m. He'd slept for six hours. He got up feeling empty inside and he didn't feel like doing anything. He ate an apple.
He closed the windows, as it was freezing cold in the apartment. He turned on the radiator and then the TV. He tried all four channels - there was nothing interesting on. He switched on the stereo and put on the disco CD that Norman had given him the day before. He closed his eyes as recalled how the boy had danced. The CD reached its end and started again automatically from the beginning... then again, and again...
The doorbell rang. Neil jumped to his feet. His heart pounded. He looked at his watch - it was almost 10 p.m. Norman? Was he back? He switched off the stereo and went downstairs, his heart in his mouth. He opened the street door. It was Norman.
The boy looked at him, ill at ease, shuffling his feet uncomfortably.
"May I... come in?" he asked and looked down.
"Why?"
"To talk?" the boy asked, almost suggesting the answer rather than actually answering him.
"Come in..."
He made him sit on the armchair beside the fireplace while he sat in the other. The boy was trembling.
"Do you want a whisky? There's still some left."
Norman shook his head.
"Have you eaten?"
The boy nodded without looking at him. Then in a low voice, hesitantly, he said, "Neil?"
"Yes?"
"I... I want... I want to apologize."
"Apologize?"
"Yes. Then I'll leave you in peace. But first I want to apologize and... I want to ask you if you would let me have the novel... I really... it's important to me."
"Sure. It's yours, take it."
"And... I want to leave you this," Norman said and put his flick-knife on the coffee table.
"Why?"
"I did... I threatened you with it. I can't look at it any more."
"Ah, I see." Neil said coldly.
"I've asked you to forgive me..."
"Yes."
"You haven't answered me."
"I don't know. Yes, of course, I forgive you. But you've hurt me, Norman; you've hurt me deeply. I didn't expect that from you"
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Why did you do it?" Neil asked almost gently.
Norman shook his head several times, then burst into tears. Neil stared at him, taken aback. The boy's whole body was wracked by silent sobs. After a while Norman tried to compose himself again. Neil handed him a handkerchief. The boy dried his eyes, blew his nose then pocketed the handkerchief, shaking his head again.
"Why did you come back? Didn't it occur to you that I wouldn't want to see you again? That I wouldn't open the door or that I'd send you away at once?"
"Yes, but I had to ask for your forgiveness. Then... I heard the music," Norman said standing up.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know. I'll just go. There's nothing else I can do."
"Wait... If you'd like, you can stay here. It's cold and it's late. One of us will sleep out here, the other in the bed. I'd be sad knowing that you are out in the cold."
"It doesn't matter, You don't owe me anything."
"You asked for my forgiveness. You at least had the courage to do that."
"But now... I would have liked to be your friend too, but I've spoiled everything. And anyway, what good is a friend like me?"
"I would have liked to be your friend too..."
"And I've spoiled everything."
"Yes, that's true. But possibly... we could try again, try to start again."
Norman looked at him astounded. "Don't you hate me?"
"Hate you? No. I feel hurt, it's true, but I don't hate you."
"And you want... to try again? Being friends? You and I?"
"Yes, if you want it too."
"O Christ! After what I did to you?"
"I hope that it will never happen again..."
"You have my word on that, I swear!"
"Do you want something to eat? Or a drink?"
"Do you still have some whisky? Will you have a drink with me?"
Neil smiled and nodded. He poured the liquor for both of them and they touched their glasses. Neil noticed that Norman was still embarrassed. That boy made him feel such tenderness! But he didn't know what to say to him. To break the embarrassing silence, he switched on the TV. There was a movie, which they watched; then the news; then the sports program. Neil looked at his watch and Norman also looked at his own.
"It would be best if we went to bed. Tomorrow morning we will do the shopping for the next few days. You go to sleep in the bed, I'll sleep here on an armchair," Neil said.
"No, we can both sleep in the bedroom. I trust you, I swear."
"But I don't trust myself. It's true that I desire you. It would be better if we slept separately."
"Then you sleep in the bed, and I'll sleep here. Go, don't make a fuss. Either you sleep in your bed, or I'll go out and sleep in the street."
"Alright. But we have to work this out. You can't sleep on an armchair forever. It could work for one night, but any more that that and it will break all your bones. Well, good night, Norman."
"Night..."
Neil went to his bed. Since he was sleeping alone, he undressed completely as he usually did. He turned off the lamp and got under the eiderdown. From the closed door just a narrow slip of light filtered in from the living room. He heard that Norman had switched on the stereo at very low volume. He smiled - it was the disco music. A siren passed by. Neil gradually slipped into sleep.
Norman woke him up with a cup of tea; "I've prepared breakfast. Come on." He said.
"OK, thank you."
Norman remained in the doorway, waiting. Neil looked at him.
"Aren't you getting up?" the boy asked.
"I'm stark naked. When I'm alone I always sleep naked. Would you please go out and close the door?"
"Oh, sorry." The boy said and went out.
Neil got up, put on his gown and went into the kitchen to eat breakfast, then into the bathroom to wash himself, and then he went back into his bedroom to dress.
"Norman, go into the bedroom and put on something warmer, so we can go out."
"OK."
They went shopping at Sainsbury. Neil also wanted to buy a carton of cigarettes for Norman. They fixed lunch at home, then went to see a movie in the West End and had supper at KFC afterward. They passed in to a pub and went back home around eleven p.m. Neil got out the airbed and the sleeping bag that he'd bought for Norman that morning. A little after midnight, they said goodnight and went to bed, Neil in his bedroom and Norman in the living room.
As Neil was drifting off to sleep, he heard that the boy had again put on the disco music at very low volume. Neil felt grateful toward the boy that he'd taken back, and happy that he had accepted his friendship. The day had been a little odd; they both were somewhat tense and uncomfortable. They talked about everything and nothing, but the important thing was that Norman was there and things would gradually settle down. He fell asleep with these thoughts on his mind, listening to the sound of the rain and the subdued rhythm of the music in the living room.
He woke up, feeling a hand on his shoulder.
"What's up, Norman?" he asked sitting up in alarm. In the room's darkness he could barely see the boy standing beside the bed.
"Neil... please let me come into the bed with you."
"Eh? What? But... I'm naked..."
"I don't care. I need to talk to you."
"You can sit here, on the edge."
"It's cold. Let me get under the eiderdown."
"If you want, I can get up."
"No, please...."
The sorrowful tone with which Norman was insisting pushed Neil to accept that unexpected and, he also thought, inopportune request. He moved aside and lifted a corner of the eiderdown in invitation. He felt the boy's body slipping into the bed beside his own.
When Norman was lying and covered with the eiderdown, Neil turned toward him on his side and asked him, "So then, what did you want to tell me?"
"I... this isn't easy. But I wanted to talk to you about Christmas night, about what happened."
"It isn't necessary. It's all forgotten."
"No, it isn't forgotten, not for me anyway. I've been thinking about it ever since it happened and I've thought about nothing else. I need to talk about it with you."
"Alright. I'm listening."
Neil could feel the warmth of the boy who was lying just a hand's span away from his body. He was almost afraid to move, in case he touched Norman. He was stiff, tense, and felt ill at ease. Norman sighed softly, then took a deep breath.
"Neil... It was my fault if you... if... the fact is, I was dancing in front of you and I liked it. And I liked the way you were looking at me and I was aware that you enjoyed looking at me... I don't know what happened to me, but I wanted... I wanted to please you; I wanted to arouse you. I wanted you... to lose your self-control. To me it was a game, a silly, cruel game. I know that now. But you controlled yourself and did nothing. Then, when you undressed and turned away from me, I realized that you were aroused, aroused by me. But, while I was undressing, I became aroused too and I realized that I really wanted to make love with you. And I was scared. I was terribly scared. It was ME who was terribly attracted to you. Do you understand that? I had never been attracted to, or felt desire for a man. And desiring you so strongly scared me so much that I decided to run away.
"You wanted me to stay one more night and I knew; I knew perfectly well that you would not touch me. But if I spent one more night with you, it would have been me that was doing the touching... You wanted me to stay here with you, and I wanted it too, and I was scared to death. So I pulled out that knife - I wanted to run away, I had to run away... And I accused you of what I, myself, was feeling. Then you disarmed me, immobilized me, pulled off my trousers and I was struggling with everything I had in me. You spread my legs and lay on top of me and I felt your hard-on... but I felt also MY hard-on and... and I hoped you'd rape me. Yes, I hoped you would. At least then I could convince myself it wasn't my fault, but I could have had what I desired... and thrown the guilt on you.
"Then I felt your anger, your pain, what a terrible thing I was doing to you and I felt ashamed. God, I felt so ashamed! I realized just how strong your friendship was and knew that I had destroyed it just when it was born. I went away and I felt like a Judas. I walked for hours. I realized that I needed you, and your friendship. But I also realized that I desire you, that I WANT make love with you. But I didn't know how to fix things... So I came back and waited outside. I stayed there for hours, hoping you would come out, so I could see you, talk to you. I didn't dare to ring the bell. Then, in the evening, you put on my music. So I nearly rang the doorbell, but I couldn't. Then I thought about calling you, so I went to the telephone box. I found your telephone number and started dialling it, but I couldn't even do that. I was sure I had lost you.
"But I had to at least apologize to you. I'd hurt you and I had to beg your forgiveness. And you were still listening to my music, which meant that you were still thinking about me. So, in the end I made up my mind and rang the bell. I was sure you wouldn't want to have anything more to do with me, but I was determined to ask your forgiveness, if you allowed me to talk. And you welcomed me and offered me your friendship again. I almost couldn't believe my luck, and I was so happy... But at that point I wanted to sleep with you and didn't know how to tell you. It's not easy you know. When I told you that I trusted you last night, I meant it. I know that you would not have touched me, even if the sky were falling. When you said you weren't sure whether you could control yourself, when I realized that you still desire me, I was happy... But I was not able to reveal MY desire. Then, today, I felt so good being with you. But all day long I've continually felt the desire to ask you to make love with me. And tonight I couldn't fall asleep. So, I came in here... Would you make love with me, Neil, please?"